Is your ma trying to run your life?

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I've read that her MIL is a nasty control freak who's basically torturing her children. But above that, what stood out was when she said "when my partners fees are paid" she will stop her kids having anything to do with their grandmother. That's fair enough, but it's pretty disgusting to dangle small kids in front of such a vile person, just for money.

I am not dangling them, she knows herself if she keeps up her behaviour I and her son will not allow her near them. She is being told constantly either be nice or we'll walk. How many times will you allow yourself be ridiculed before you say enough is enough? The money is only one factor, and my partner has the right to his money. He saved all his money as a teenager, and his father slaved hard at work for years to get him that money, but she knows without that last thread forcing us to be civil, we will be more than happy to no longer put up with her. We don't want to leave her by herself, but you can only take so much.

FTA69 wrote: »

This is terrible. Some people need to realise that abuse is abuse and that isn't limited to the classic drunken violent father scenario. Women are well able to dole out the abuse as well, unfortunately this is sometimes directed at their own children. My first girlfriend had to flee home at 16 due to the sustained abuse she got from her mother, she was physically assaulted and referred to as "the fact c*nt" around the house. She ended up battling an eating disorder over it.

The "venerable mammy" stereotype isn't always true. If your one above is actually up to that carry on I wouldn't leave her darken the bloody door.

Yeah, I was called the "skinny bítch" by my mother. When I started going to the gym she forced me on a scales because I was clearly starving myself. I was a healthy 9stone at 5 foot 4. I wasn't allowed go out with my friends, even though I was 20 and earning my own money. I wasn't allowed go to college in Dublin even though it was a great career because I would not be home in the evenings. I know how the OP and your first gf feels. It's suffocating, and there nothing worse than having to cut off family, especially moms.

LexieOnRale wrote: »

You're right, I don't. And I don't have kids so I have no idea how I would react in that situation, however, there's got to be a legal route no? Or taking out a loan? I understand its his money and he shouldn't have to however - your children's esteem and mental health, or money? I know what I'd be choosing.

We have no money to guarantee the loans, as it stands, we have only a SW payment for me and that is not what we want for our kids. We want to make our own way. He is in his final year, if we were to go the legal route it would take a year at least, he could lose his place. We don't want her out of the kids lives, she is getting old now and will need family, but she is making it so hard. I don't care if she doesn't see eye to eye with me, that is the clichéd MIL scenario, but I don't want her abusing them, and I am trying to limit their access to her, it is not something I want to do.

But as I said, I came back from the weekend feeling shít and wanting to cry about the things she said about my children, her attacks were always on me away from the kids so I just got on with it because she had a good relationship with my son, but the way she treated him this weekend hurt ME so much that with or without fees paid, I am serious, if she does not apologise to him tomorrow (she is in Dublin shopping for the day) I won't bring them down for xmas, I won't do that to them. I love them too much to let anyone hurt them like that.

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

My ma is the only woman on either side of my family who doesn't have grandchildren. I can completely understand her frustration at that but passively aggressively badgering all her children any opportunity she gets isn't going to speed up the process. A while back she was begging me to shave my facial hair. She said 'Just do it for me..'. I said the reason you want me to shave is that if I shave, I'll be more attractive, if more attractive, I'll get a partner, if I have a partner, she'll get grandchildren (so she thinks). She laughed because I hit the nail on the head.

OP it's obvious that her comments are hitting a nerve with you. If I was having these issues with my mother I would definitely try to talk to her about it or at least let her know how much they annoy me and also I'd try to create new boundaries with her.

Also you say you've moved out but from your posts it would seem that you see/talk to her every day, perhaps you should distance yourself. You may find that the less you see/talk to her the less likely she'll be to come out with the mundane comments regarding your hair/lack of grandchildren.

By you holding your anger in and leaving the room when your become angry, yes you are avoiding a possible argument but you're also internalising your anger and in the long run that will not do you any favours.

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

Yes, I feel guilty about her not having grandchildren.




I only see her 5 times a year (I live in a different country) but I phone once a week. I just would feel bad about threatening to not come home. It annoys me that she can't be grateful for me making the effort to fly home and instead focussing on a hair cut. To be honest, I don't think she's smart enough to know the damage she's doing.

Maybe ignoring her might be the best idea in that case. Basically once she starts on the topic of grandkids/hair glaze over and nod and smile?

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

But, as I said, she's not as smart as me. If I do nod and smile, she isn't seeing those actions from a place of hurt, all she'll see is me not caring about her want for grandchildren. A 'I don't care if you die before seeing grandchildren, not my issue'. I don't want her thinking I don't care about her and am selfish.

Yes but she is being incredibly selfish in her actions too and by her actions it does come across that she doesn't care about you or your siblings in her meddling quest for grandchildren. Sadly sometimes the only way to fight fire is with more fire.

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

My ma is the only woman on either side of my family who doesn't have grandchildren. I can completely understand her frustration at that but passively aggressively badgering all her children any opportunity she gets isn't going to speed up the process. A while back she was begging me to shave my facial hair. She said 'Just do it for me..'. I said the reason you want me to shave is that if I shave, I'll be more attractive, if more attractive, I'll get a partner, if I have a partner, she'll get grandchildren (so she thinks). She laughed because I hit the nail on the head.

Tell her that you've taken on board her advice and now want to have kids but you've read up on it and found that, statistically, women are more attracted to men with facial hair when in their periods and are at their most fertile.

Shell be speechless for a while at least.

Get your hair cut and get some young one pregnant, problem solved.




Don't thank me, it was nothing.

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

Agreed. I do put too much emphasis on it. I've realised this a long time ago. It's difficult. All children (I think) want to make their parents proud. It's just my mother is utterly unpleasable. I'm never proud of my achievements really. I am for 5 minutes then the pride goes. So maybe her not recognising my achievements mirrors my own views.

Well it's great that you are aware of this, some people go through their whole lives not realising why they react in certain ways.

Yes, all (most) children want to make their parents proud. I know speaking for myself I sometimes would rely too heavily on my parents advice instead of making decisions for myself and that is something I've been working on.

Well to be honest I get the same guff from my mother

I have refrained a few times from telling her where to go to be honest

I havnt given her anything to worry about in mine or her life. World probable hardship I gave her was fail the mocks in the junior cert years ago and there was world war three

I moved out and we got on really well when I came home once or twice a week but had to move back in then when an apartment arrangement went skeyways

So have been there since april this year, have had some good days, some terrible days.

It really wound me up in the beginning when I was home and I was getting it layed on thick and heavy about everything and being back in the family rotation basically where I had to like look after the sister again and drop her to wherever she wanted to go regardless of what i was doing, have to go every single day to get the mother cigarrettes and just general things like that

Nothing I am ever doing is any way important at all when something got to do with anyone else in the family wants something (for example I could be watching a movie or maybe doing some sort of building with my different hobbies and someone will burst into the room and want something and I will have to leave what im at to go like get a litre of milk something)

Or what I cannot stand is the whole privacy of the bedroom is now gone, at least when I was out on my own everything was mine and if the room was untidy Id clean it when I can. Now its constant arguements until Im made act like a 12 year old and be sent to clean my room, even though I would work the same hours as the parents but yet im still looked at as pulling the piss

I have taken the approach of just ignoring now and when she comes shouting just ignore her, she will eventually go away, Ill clean at my own leisure.

My appearence is highly criticized, how I spend my free time or weekends is criticized, my hobbies, my choice in job (eg I am in a job, I applied for the guards and was told how stupid I am) I am regularly told how useless I am and thats the sum of it! But I got a thick skin

But what we do forget is that even though its the mother, they can also be generally horrible people (I dont personally think my mother is horrible, she has sharp edges but nothing a nice outburst from me wont sort some day :P) but I genuinely know people who hate one or both of their parents

And sorry for waffling on haha

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

It's taken hard work.



I don't rely on my parent's input at all, zero. I think this might be what worries my mother. She sees me still single and thinks if I had of followed her advice all along I wouldn't be. I think if I lived the life she wants me to, I'd jump off the pretty steep cliff. Dull, formulaic and conformist. I like individuals, characters, people who chose their own ways in life regardless of what society thinks.

You sound so assured in what you've written above, yet still want approval from you mother. If you could talk to her over Christmas and pretty much tell her what you've written above (maybe an edited version) she might back off, it's worth a try. No need for an argument just a frank discussion thats all.