Is your ma trying to run your life?

wolfpawnat · 16-12-2013 01:43PM

Got rid of my mother from my life at 21 because I wasn't allowed even move out to live my life. Never looked back.

My partner has a horrifically controlling mother, and as soon as the last of his college fees are paid (his mother, she won't let him at it) she will have to tow the line or she will NEVER see her grandchildren again. I may seem like a cúnt, but I put up with more abuse from his mother than I did my own. He is 30 in April and everything from what he wears, to when he eats is her business in her opinion, so féck her. We're out, you can only live your own life. You only get one run at it, why let some insufferable cúnt ruin it for you, so what if she brought you into the world, you didn't ask to be born Who know's if she backs off she may appreciate you more.

liliq · 16-12-2013 01:55PM

Ask her why she doesn't have enough confidence in her own raising of you to make good choices and be a generally good and nice person.

16-12-2013 01:57PM

OP, you have no control over how anyone else behaves, only your own behaviour. Don't react to your mothers nagging, just thank her for her advice, tell her you have your own plans and preferences, then change the subject. If she drags it up again, remove yourself. If you keep sitting there listening, it validates the constant repetition. Keep to a monotone.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 16-12-2013 01:59PM

wolfpawnat wrote: »

My partner has a horrifically controlling mother, and as soon as the last of his college fees are paid (his mother, she won't let him at it) she will have to tow the line or she will NEVER see her grandchildren again. I may seem like a cúnt, but I put up with more abuse from his mother than I did my own. He is 30 in April and everything from what he wears, to when he eats is her business in her opinion, so féck her. We're out, you can only live your own life. You only get one run at it, why let some insufferable cúnt ruin it for you, so what if she brought you into the world, you didn't ask to be born Who know's if she backs off she may appreciate you more.

Wow.

If you feel so strongly about it, and hate the "insufferable ****" that much, why not cut her loose and have your partner pay his own college fees?

Using your kids as bait until he's finished college is utterly disgusting.

IMO of course

IamtheWalrus · 16-12-2013 02:08PM

mrcheez wrote: »

I'm still not clear, are you moved out or did you move out before and then move back into the family home? If you are moved out does she actively come over to badger you? Why can't you space out the time between visits and keep it down to the odd weekend?

You should find the relationship improves if you have your own space and time apart.

I moved out 15 years ago and stayed out. The badgering comes from every day of every visit and on some telephone calls. As I said, I'm beginning to dread talking to her.

SnipSnop · 16-12-2013 02:14PM

wolfpawnat wrote: »

she will have to tow the line or she will NEVER see her grandchildren again. I may seem like a cúnt, but I put up with more abuse from his mother than I did my own.

What a horrible horrible thing to even consider doing.
There are some places you never go, THIS is one of them.

liliq · 16-12-2013 02:17PM

Soerenlp wrote: »

What a horrible horrible thing to even consider doing.
There are some places you never go, THIS is one of them.

Usually I'd agree, but I would always protect my kid over someone's feelings.
In some cases, people are just not healthy to be around, and it's better to just protect yourself & your family from (actual) narcissism, extreme negativity, and attitudes that can really damage your mental health.

SnipSnop · 16-12-2013 02:23PM

liliq wrote: »

Usually I'd agree, but I would always protect my kid over someone's feelings.
In some cases, people are just not healthy to be around, and it's better to just protect yourself & your family from (actual) narcissism, extreme negativity, and attitudes that can really damage your mental health.

Oh I agree (that goes without saying) but from what she says its a case of issues between her and the mother in law. No mention of abusing the kids.

mrcheez · 16-12-2013 02:24PM

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

I moved out 15 years ago and stayed out. The badgering comes from every day of every visit and on some telephone calls. As I said, I'm beginning to dread talking to her.

Back to the OP's topic.

Your mother's insecurities would seem to be about losing control/influence over her children's lives so she tries to force it upon you which comes across as bullying. I take it she was always controlling growing up?

I think you're going to have to confront her about this as it won't go away, plus the main question you asked has been answered by other posters so at least you know you're not on your own.

IamtheWalrus · 16-12-2013 02:35PM

mrcheez wrote: »

I take it she was always controlling growing up?

Yes. The annoying thing is, I've never taken her advice. I've always made my own decisions against her advice. I can list many occasions were my decision has worked out very well (I'll never know if her idea would have worked). So he hasn't exactly got a great track record of good advice. It bother me that she can't have the confidence in my to make my own decisions. If I make a decision and it gos belly up, then I'll die by that decision. I'll blame no one.

16-12-2013 02:37PM

My ma is actually grand with stuff. She normally respects my decisions in anything I do.

The dad is a totally different story. We nearly always argue because he just can't help but make a smart comment. Saying that I was a little **** for years so I suppose I deserve it in a way but a lot has changed the last few years and he's still the same. An example was introducing my current girlfriend to him a while back. A day or so after when I was down at his house by myself he said to me "How long until she legs it on you" , he meant it and wanted a reaction out of me. What kind of thing is that to say to your son? I've never felt as angry in a long time but I've learnt to bite my tongue. It just isn't worth reacting I've found. Just accept parents for who they are they aren't going to change now and if you do try to do it you'll nearly always be left even more frustrated.

IamtheWalrus · 16-12-2013 02:48PM

Deleted User wrote: »

A day or so after when I was down at his house by myself he said to me "How long until she legs it on you" , he meant it and wanted a reaction out of me. What kind of thing is that to say to your son? I've never felt as angry in a long time but I've learnt to bite my tongue.

This is what scares me about going back for Xmas. The last time I was back home, my mother was passively aggressively trying to get me to cut my hair. I remained calm. Told here I wasn't but I then went to the toilet and was raging. I would have loved a punch bag I was that angry. I've had anger issues of late and have spent 2 years, successfully, working on them. The mother episode felt like a step back.

Mint Aero · 16-12-2013 02:52PM

My ma's the same. I just ignore her though.

djk1000 · 16-12-2013 03:04PM

Throwing this mad idea out there....have you tried talking to her? She probably doesn't realise what she's doing. Tell her that it's driving you away and at some point it's going to affect your relationship. Put what she is doing in simple terms, "You are telling a grown man in his 30's to get a haircut and not taking no for an answer, that's not a normal or ok thing to do" Might make her realise how ridiculous it is.

FTA69 · 16-12-2013 03:05PM

Basically you need to sit her down and tell you're p*ssed off. Do it calmly. Don't raise your voice or make accusations, just point out the fact that you are unhappy with her behaviour and that you're a grown man/woman with your own life. Reassure her that you love her, and appreciate her input and that you're grateful for everything she's done in your life but that that doesn't give her the right to dictate your hairstyle or life in general. Tell her you've achieved much to be proud of and that things are the way they are because that's the way you like them to be. She needs to respect that, tell her it's gotten to the stage where you are no longer enjoying her company and that's not a situation either of you wants.

This "my mam died" sh*t is a load of nonsense as well. Mams can be a bit whingy, we all know that. This is something different. Sh*t behaviour is sh*t behaviour no matter who it's from and nobody should have to put up with it.

El_Dangeroso · 16-12-2013 03:09PM

Manipulative people are hard to deal with. I read a book called 'When I say no I feel guilty' and it gives you a great set of tools to deal with manipulative people while maintaining a good relationship with them.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 16-12-2013 03:11PM

This "my mam died" sh*t is a load of nonsense as well. Mams can be a bit whingy, we all know that. This is something different. Sh*t behaviour is sh*t behaviour no matter who it's from and nobody should have to put up with it.

That's all well and good, I didn't see eye to eye with my own mother she drove me up the wall with constant texts, constant calls and a million questions. However, when that's gone, the annoying things don't seem that annoying anymore, and sometimes you'll even miss the phone not blowing up a hundred times a minute, because annoying and as head wrecking as someone is, it makes them who they are and for a lot of time afterwards you'll wish they were there to bug you about your hair or bug you about whatever.

vitani · 16-12-2013 03:11PM

Soerenlp wrote: »

What a horrible horrible thing to even consider doing.
There are some places you never go, THIS is one of them.

Normally, I'd agree but I've seen wolfpawnat post over the past while about different things her MIL has said or done to the children as well as her, and tbh, I think she's well within her rights to consider doing this.

wolfpawnat · 16-12-2013 03:13PM

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Wow.

If you feel so strongly about it, and hate the "insufferable ****" that much, why not cut her loose and have your partner pay his own college fees?

Using your kids as bait until he's finished college is utterly disgusting.

IMO of course

It is his money, she won't let him at the money. Hence the control thing.

She has Called Social services because;

- I had a phone in the room with them,
- because my daughter is breastfed,
- because I sent my son to school at four and a half and not 5.

She called me "two tonne tessie" at my daughters christening at the weekend. Calls my children bastards, told my 4yo she doesn't love him and that she is telling santa not to come because he wouldn't do what she says when it contradicted a direct order from his father. And she says to my son to hit his 4 month old sister because she is bold for crying.

I don't use them against her, she doesn't love them. She would live the rest of her life happily without them. She only does it for appearances. Don't DARE call me horrible for wanting to shield them from her. I am their mother, it is my job to protect them from the likes of that.

Soerenlp wrote: »

What a horrible horrible thing to even consider doing.
There are some places you never go, THIS is one of them.

Same as above, you have NO idea what others go through so don't dare call me horrible when she has fúcked up her daughter into chronic anorexia and is already trying to say my 4 month old is skeletal and disgustingly thin.That is the horrible thing. Don't you judge ANYONE!

IamtheWalrus · 16-12-2013 03:14PM

FTA69 wrote: »

Basically you need to sit her down and tell you're p*ssed off. Do it calmly. Don't raise your voice or make accusations, just point out the fact that you are unhappy with her behaviour and that you're a grown man/woman with your own life. Reassure her that you love her, and appreciate her input and that you're grateful for everything she's done in your life but that that doesn't give her the right to dictate your hairstyle or life in general. Tell her you've achieved much to be proud of and that things are the way they are because that's the way you like them to be. She needs to respect that, tell her it's gotten to the stage where you are no longer enjoying her company and that's not a situation either of you wants.

I've tried many ways of silencing her. I've told her she's a lot older than me and impossible for her to know what haircut is attractive to people my age. She'll just trot out the 'I know' line. When she realised I wasn't going to cut my hair for her she seems to get annoyed and said 'Well if I die, I don't want you having long hair at my funeral'. Beggars belief.

Santa Cruz · 16-12-2013 03:16PM

Start leaving Nursing Home Fair Deal brochures around the place

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 16-12-2013 03:16PM

Well if she is as bad as you say you are horrible for subjecting your children to her just so youse can get yer hands on money. Surely your children would come first?

And if you don't like your own mother and you don't like your mother in law, ever think that maybe you're the problem?

FTA69 · 16-12-2013 03:17PM

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

I've tried many ways of silencing her. I've told her she's a lot older than me and impossible for her to know what haircut is attractive to people my age. She'll just trot out the 'I know' line. When she realised I wasn't going to cut my hair for her she seems to get annoyed and said 'Well if I die, I don't want you having long hair at my funeral'. Beggars belief.

Tell her Russell Brand has long hair and he's riding all around him. I don't know mate, if you've sat down with her and told her straight up to relax and she's still at it then you need to either hammer the point home harder or else just give up. It's a shame when people act like that but if they refuse to change their behaviour then you can't be blamed for keeping them at a bit of a distance. If my old lade was trying to belittle me and treat me like sh*t every time I visited her I just wouldn't bother going.

Bog Standard User · 16-12-2013 03:20PM

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

I've tried many ways of silencing her. I've told her she's a lot older than me and impossible for her to know what haircut is attractive to people my age. She'll just trot out the 'I know' line. When she realised I wasn't going to cut my hair for her she seems to get annoyed and said 'Well if I die, I don't want you having long hair at my funeral'. Beggars belief.

just tell her to butt out. tell her her blue rince perm is looking shoddy & her clothes went out of fashion in the 50's see how she likes it.

Wibbs · 16-12-2013 03:22PM

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

I've tried many ways of silencing her. I've told her she's a lot older than me and impossible for her to know what haircut is attractive to people my age. She'll just trot out the 'I know' line.

That's because she's not listening to you, because she doesn't respect your opinion. No point in reasoning with someone choosing to be unreasonable. By trying to engage you're making it worse IMHO.

If sitting her down and spelling out your concerns isn't working then stop. Don't engage. Don't argue/debate her nonsense. Ignore her BS and only reward her good behaviour by engaging. Rinse and repeat until she learns.

When she realised I wasn't going to cut my hair for her she seems to get annoyed and said 'Well if I die, I don't want you having long hair at my funeral'. Beggars belief.

Not really. Pack your bags you're going on a guilt trip. Standard operational procedure with manipulative types. Again ignore it. If it's hurtful and it can be, don't show it. Punish bad behaviour by stepping back, reward good behaviour by engaging.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 16-12-2013 03:24PM

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

Did you read her posts?

I've read that her MIL is a nasty control freak who's basically torturing her children. But above that, what stood out was when she said "when my partners fees are paid" she will stop her kids having anything to do with their grandmother. That's fair enough, but it's pretty disgusting to dangle small kids in front of such a vile person, just for money.

brevity · 16-12-2013 03:24PM

wolfpawnat wrote: »

It is his money, she won't let him at the money. Hence the control thing.

She has Called Social services because;

- I had a phone in the room with them,
- because my daughter is breastfed,
- because I sent my son to school at four and a half and not 5.

She called me "two tonne tessie" at my daughters christening at the weekend. Calls my children bastards, told my 4yo she doesn't love him and that she is telling santa not to come because he wouldn't do what she says when it contradicted a direct order from his father. And she says to my son to hit his 4 month old sister because she is bold for crying.

I don't use them against her, she doesn't love them. She would live the rest of her life happily without them. She only does it for appearances. Don't DARE call me horrible for wanting to shield them from her. I am their mother, it is my job to protect them from the likes of that.

Holy hell, that's awful.

FTA69 · 16-12-2013 03:25PM

wolfpawnat wrote: »

It is his money, she won't let him at the money. Hence the control thing.

She has Called Social services because;

- I had a phone in the room with them,
- because my daughter is breastfed,
- because I sent my son to school at four and a half and not 5.

She called me "two tonne tessie" at my daughters christening at the weekend. Calls my children bastards, told my 4yo she doesn't love him and that she is telling santa not to come because he wouldn't do what she says when it contradicted a direct order from his father. And she says to my son to hit his 4 month old sister because she is bold for crying.

I don't use them against her, she doesn't love them. She would live the rest of her life happily without them. She only does it for appearances. Don't DARE call me horrible for wanting to shield them from her. I am their mother, it is my job to protect them from the likes of that.

Same as above, you have NO idea what others go through so don't dare call me horrible when she has fúcked up her daughter into chronic anorexia and is already trying to say my 4 month old is skeletal and disgustingly thin.That is the horrible thing. Don't you judge ANYONE!

This is terrible. Some people need to realise that abuse is abuse and that isn't limited to the classic drunken violent father scenario. Women are well able to dole out the abuse as well, unfortunately this is sometimes directed at their own children. My first girlfriend had to flee home at 16 due to the sustained abuse she got from her mother, she was physically assaulted and referred to as "the fact c*nt" around the house. She ended up battling an eating disorder over it.

The "venerable mammy" stereotype isn't always true. If your one above is actually up to that carry on I wouldn't leave her darken the bloody door.

wolfpawnat · 16-12-2013 03:27PM

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Well if she is as bad as you say you are horrible for subjecting your children to her just so youse can get yer hands on money. Surely your children would come first?

And if you don't like your own mother and you don't like your mother in law, ever think that maybe you're the problem?

You try and give people chances, she took the biscuit this weekend with her abuse. I thought with less contact and my son in school she would appreciate the little time she gets, but alas, not her.

Her son needs HIS money to finish his last year of college. He has the right to his own money, but she is such a tyrant she put her name on the accounts to prevent him getting it. WIthout it we are dole bound. You can't really judge a situation YOU are not in. I get what you are trying to say, but you have no idea what it is like.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 16-12-2013 03:33PM

You're right, I don't. And I don't have kids so I have no idea how I would react in that situation, however, there's got to be a legal route no? Or taking out a loan? I understand its his money and he shouldn't have to however - your children's esteem and mental health, or money? I know what I'd be choosing.

Is your ma trying to run your life?

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