Is your ma trying to run your life?

IamtheWalrus

My ma is constantly trying to live my life for me. She tries exert her influence on every aspect of my life from my hair length, clothes, job choice, city I live.. you name it. I've recently started growing my hair a bit, nothing excessive but she's been badgering me to cut it. She never understands when I tell her it's my hair, I'll do what I want with it. She never listens. She thinks that if I don't cut my hair, no one will fancy me and she won't get grandchildren. I used to think I was the only one who got it but my siblings get it too. It bothers me that she doesn't think I'm capable of making my own decisions and learning from my own mistakes. She's become obsessed and it's saddening me. I'm 32 by the way. She's 60-odd.

Can anyone make me feel better and empathise?

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

My mam died when I was just 18.

Consider yourself lucky you have someone to badger you.

spank_inferno

Are you 15 or something?

Also.... Cut your hair, you look like a greasy girl!

ScumLord

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

Can anyone make me feel better and empathise?

I used to hate being 12 too.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Afraid I can't help you there? When my mother was alive she was nothing but supportive.

IamtheWalrus

LexieOnRale wrote: »

My mam died when I was just 18.

Consider yourself lucky you have someone to badger you.

I'm sorry to hear that. The reason I'm saddened by it is because our relationship is suffering because of her behaviour. I dread going home these days.

Ihatecuddles

She'd try to END my life if I called her Ma.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

My ma is constantly trying to live my life for me. She tries exert her influence on every aspect of my life from my hair length, clothes, job choice, city I live.. you name it. I've recently started growing my hair a bit, nothing excessive but she's been badgering me to cut it. She never understands when I tell her it's my hair, I'll do what I want with it. She never listens. She thinks that if I don't cut my hair, no one will fancy me and she won't get grandchildren. I used to think I was the only one who got it but my siblings get it too. It bothers me that she doesn't think I'm capable of making my own decisions and learning from my own mistakes. She's become obsessed and it's saddening me.

Can anyone make me feel better and empathise?

Dekiberately get overheard suggesting "a home" to one of our siblings.

Dravokivich

I think my ma has become somewhat dependant on my siblings and I for a sense of social output, which can feel a bit pressured at times. But to run my life, na, never. She wants to be a part of it, not the be all and end all of it.

Corvo

Move out

IamtheWalrus

Corvo wrote: »

Move out

I did that 15 years ago.

mrcheez

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

I did that 15 years ago.

So she's constantly over at your place? Just don't answer the door, pretend you're out

Legs.Eleven

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

I did that 15 years ago.

Well do it again!

OneArt

Mine lives in another country. Suits me fine.

Superbus

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

I did that 15 years ago.

No, he means out of her house, not out of her womb.

AerynSun

I can empathise with your situation. For myself, I went through a phase of trying to get my mother to change, to stop doing and saying those annoying and hurtful things. Then I came to the realisation that she's her own woman, and there's no stopping her. Only thing that was left was to sit myself down and see where I was: why did it bother me so much that she'd tell me to do x or y? In time I started becoming more at ease with knowing that my life choices are my own to make - and sure my mother can give me some very assertive input, but the choices remain mine.

If I choose to do what my mother wants, to keep her quiet and 'happy', that's also my choice.
If I choose to do what I want to do, and she rages... well... she rages, and that's her choice.

The tricky bit is knowing which choices are whose, and taking ownership of my own choices, and leaving my mother the freedom to take ownership of her choices - and not to get mixed up and take responsibility for her choices, or expect her to take responsibility for mine

Of course I've had 7 more years than you have of figuring this out!
Give yourself - and her! - permission to get it wrong sometimes. That makes it easier to handle.

whatdoicare

Yeah my mam is like that too-I'm 32, married with kids and she still tries to tell me what to do.
It's very frustrating.

I rarely do what she wants and every single time she creates world war three! Family members are ordered to come visit me to give out or "fix the problem" ie me.

It's creating a huge rift between us. I've started not telling her anything about my life, I tell her details about events when it's way too late to change them. Im constantly on guard with what I say and every single decision we, as husband and wife, make has the "there's going to be a huge blow up argument over this" hanging over us.

She's even been caught out exaggerating and out and out lieing about something so as to cause a fuss and get her own way.

Ive been to counselling about it and all they can advise is to keep my distance and share very little.

Unless you have to live with a parent who is like that you'll never know how absolutely devastating to your life it can be!

Telling the op guilt statements like yr mam is dead are very unhelpful and it has nothing at all to do with his situation.

IamtheWalrus

whatdoicare wrote: »

It's creating a huge rift between us. I've started not telling her anything about my life, I tell her details about events when it's way too late to change them. Im constantly on guard with what I say

This. She says I'm very private. I have no other choice.

Bog Standard User

your mum sounds like she is suffering from empty nest syndrome hence all the questions about having grandkids. buy her a small dog

Santa Cruz

is there any local toy boy available to give her a service?

Call Me Jimmy

LexieOnRale wrote: »

My mam died when I was just 18.

Consider yourself lucky you have someone to badger you.

I really don't think that's a fair shout.

MrBlack93

LexieOnRale wrote: »

My mam died when I was just 18.

Consider yourself lucky you have someone to badger you.

Terrible thing for you but highly unfair and irrelevant for op's situation.

mrcheez

I'm still not clear, are you moved out or did you move out before and then move back into the family home? If you are moved out does she actively come over to badger you? Why can't you space out the time between visits and keep it down to the odd weekend?

You should find the relationship improves if you have your own space and time apart.

gramar

It's what mothers do. In her eyes you're still her little boy and that won't change no matter how old you are.

It doesn't make a difference where you live or what you do for a living or who your partner is or what car you drive or how many people you've killed with your bare hands. You're her little boy and she's your mammy.

keeponhurling

My mother was a bit like that, trying to tell us what to do whenever we're already adults.

But in fairness she did sort of improve, and maybe it took time, but she eventually slowly realised we have to follow our own path in life.

So to the OP, it's not a lost cause, things can get better. You only get one mother etc.

Wibbs

MrBlack93 wrote: »

Terrible thing for you but highly unfair and irrelevant for op's situation.

Indeed.

My take is people are either nice or not, regardless of blood. A controlling nutjob is a controlling nutjob. IF your mother is pulling this guff when you're 32 you need to step right back from that. You're a grown man, how dare she(or anyone else) pull that passive aggressive BS with you. If I were you I'd nip this guff in the bud. If she comes out with this kinda thing, quietly inform her it's really none of her business. If she continues then simply stop visiting her until she cops the hell on and grows the hell up. If she tries any of the guilt trip stuff, then that's emotional manipulation and again you don't need that crap. If the roles have reversed and she's acting like the manipulative child then treat her like one. Otherwise you'll be on tenterhooks for the rest of her life.

Plazaman

It's par for the course for the Irish Mammy especially those over 60 years of age, to interfere (or "give advice" in their eyes) with their kids/adult kids lives. It's how their Mammy's did it and how their Mammy's Mammy did it.

Unlike some Mammy's of a younger generation who don't give two fúcks about their kids and let them charge around restaurants screaming and knocking stuff over.

Yep, lying seems to be the only way to avoid conflict or agree to do something then don't do it. As for the long hair issue, start wearing hats.

The Diabolical Monocle

I dont know if I should respond to this OP as I know my mam uses Boards and might read what I say and be hurt, I could risk it, I dont think she uses AH much and I could read if she responded cause I know her name, I think its flumetingbanam or something like that.

desertcircus

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

My ma is constantly trying to live my life for me. She tries exert her influence on every aspect of my life from my hair length, clothes, job choice, city I live.. you name it. I've recently started growing my hair a bit, nothing excessive but she's been badgering me to cut it. She never understands when I tell her it's my hair, I'll do what I want with it. She never listens. She thinks that if I don't cut my hair, no one will fancy me and she won't get grandchildren. I used to think I was the only one who got it but my siblings get it too. It bothers me that she doesn't think I'm capable of making my own decisions and learning from my own mistakes. She's become obsessed and it's saddening me. I'm 32 by the way. She's 60-odd.

Can anyone make me feel better and empathise?

Tell her that her behaviour is making you miserable and that if you want advice, you'll ask for it. Tell her that if she doesn't stop, you'll simply not visit her, or answer phone calls or texts. If she keeps doing it, cut ties: she's ignoring your wishes and you're better off not talking to her. Don't feel guilty for it: if she continues doing it after you ask her to stop, it's her decision to cut ties, not yours.

Earthhorse

The only advice I have is try not to escalate things. It's easy to slip into argument mode when someone is annoying you or to rehearse the conversation before it even takes place "knowing" how it will go, which is sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If she gives advice and you get annoyed she might see it as a sign that you aren't comfortable with your decision yourself. Be careful not to get upset when she interferes and try and tell her that you would like to have her advice but she has to realise you do not have the same values and priorities as her. The important thing is less what you say maybe, than how you say it. Speak from a calm and sure place and she'll find it harder to get agitated herself. It might take a few attempts for it to work but it's worth a shot because you do seem to want to have a relationship with your mam.

Wibbs

Plazaman wrote: »

It's par for the course for the Irish Mammy especially those over 60 years of age, to interfere (or "give advice" in their eyes) with their kids/adult kids lives. It's how their Mammy's did it and how their Mammy's Mammy did it.

Maybe PM, but that's no excuse to bend to such behaviour.

Unlike some Mammy's of a younger generation who don't give two fúcks about their kids and let them charge around restaurants screaming and knocking stuff over.

There is a balance that's healthy and I know enough "Irish mammys" that have such a balance.

Yep, lying seems to be the only way to avoid conflict or agree to do something then don't do it.

Really bad plans IMH. Conflict isn't always unhealthy. Empty ego driven conflict is, but clearing the air and drawing a line in the sand when people are taking the piss is a conflict worth having. Life is too short to take shít. Lying about doing something and the like is just empty deflection and again IMH unhealthy for someone to rely on that. Clear the air, draw a line, take no more guff and move on. Hopefully to a better relationship with her that's more equal.

wolfpawnat

Got rid of my mother from my life at 21 because I wasn't allowed even move out to live my life. Never looked back.

My partner has a horrifically controlling mother, and as soon as the last of his college fees are paid (his mother, she won't let him at it) she will have to tow the line or she will NEVER see her grandchildren again. I may seem like a cúnt, but I put up with more abuse from his mother than I did my own. He is 30 in April and everything from what he wears, to when he eats is her business in her opinion, so féck her. We're out, you can only live your own life. You only get one run at it, why let some insufferable cúnt ruin it for you, so what if she brought you into the world, you didn't ask to be born Who know's if she backs off she may appreciate you more.

liliq

Ask her why she doesn't have enough confidence in her own raising of you to make good choices and be a generally good and nice person.

OP, you have no control over how anyone else behaves, only your own behaviour. Don't react to your mothers nagging, just thank her for her advice, tell her you have your own plans and preferences, then change the subject. If she drags it up again, remove yourself. If you keep sitting there listening, it validates the constant repetition. Keep to a monotone.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

wolfpawnat wrote: »

My partner has a horrifically controlling mother, and as soon as the last of his college fees are paid (his mother, she won't let him at it) she will have to tow the line or she will NEVER see her grandchildren again. I may seem like a cúnt, but I put up with more abuse from his mother than I did my own. He is 30 in April and everything from what he wears, to when he eats is her business in her opinion, so féck her. We're out, you can only live your own life. You only get one run at it, why let some insufferable cúnt ruin it for you, so what if she brought you into the world, you didn't ask to be born Who know's if she backs off she may appreciate you more.

Wow.

If you feel so strongly about it, and hate the "insufferable ****" that much, why not cut her loose and have your partner pay his own college fees?

Using your kids as bait until he's finished college is utterly disgusting.


IMO of course

IamtheWalrus

mrcheez wrote: »

I'm still not clear, are you moved out or did you move out before and then move back into the family home? If you are moved out does she actively come over to badger you? Why can't you space out the time between visits and keep it down to the odd weekend?

You should find the relationship improves if you have your own space and time apart.

I moved out 15 years ago and stayed out. The badgering comes from every day of every visit and on some telephone calls. As I said, I'm beginning to dread talking to her.

SnipSnop

wolfpawnat wrote: »

she will have to tow the line or she will NEVER see her grandchildren again. I may seem like a cúnt, but I put up with more abuse from his mother than I did my own.

What a horrible horrible thing to even consider doing.
There are some places you never go, THIS is one of them.

liliq

Soerenlp wrote: »

What a horrible horrible thing to even consider doing.
There are some places you never go, THIS is one of them.

Usually I'd agree, but I would always protect my kid over someone's feelings.
In some cases, people are just not healthy to be around, and it's better to just protect yourself & your family from (actual) narcissism, extreme negativity, and attitudes that can really damage your mental health.

SnipSnop

liliq wrote: »

Usually I'd agree, but I would always protect my kid over someone's feelings.
In some cases, people are just not healthy to be around, and it's better to just protect yourself & your family from (actual) narcissism, extreme negativity, and attitudes that can really damage your mental health.

Oh I agree (that goes without saying) but from what she says its a case of issues between her and the mother in law. No mention of abusing the kids.

mrcheez

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

I moved out 15 years ago and stayed out. The badgering comes from every day of every visit and on some telephone calls. As I said, I'm beginning to dread talking to her.

Back to the OP's topic.

Your mother's insecurities would seem to be about losing control/influence over her children's lives so she tries to force it upon you which comes across as bullying. I take it she was always controlling growing up?

I think you're going to have to confront her about this as it won't go away, plus the main question you asked has been answered by other posters so at least you know you're not on your own.

IamtheWalrus

mrcheez wrote: »

I take it she was always controlling growing up?

Yes. The annoying thing is, I've never taken her advice. I've always made my own decisions against her advice. I can list many occasions were my decision has worked out very well (I'll never know if her idea would have worked). So he hasn't exactly got a great track record of good advice. It bother me that she can't have the confidence in my to make my own decisions. If I make a decision and it gos belly up, then I'll die by that decision. I'll blame no one.

My ma is actually grand with stuff. She normally respects my decisions in anything I do.

The dad is a totally different story. We nearly always argue because he just can't help but make a smart comment. Saying that I was a little **** for years so I suppose I deserve it in a way but a lot has changed the last few years and he's still the same. An example was introducing my current girlfriend to him a while back. A day or so after when I was down at his house by myself he said to me "How long until she legs it on you" , he meant it and wanted a reaction out of me. What kind of thing is that to say to your son? I've never felt as angry in a long time but I've learnt to bite my tongue. It just isn't worth reacting I've found. Just accept parents for who they are they aren't going to change now and if you do try to do it you'll nearly always be left even more frustrated.

IamtheWalrus

Deleted User wrote: »

A day or so after when I was down at his house by myself he said to me "How long until she legs it on you" , he meant it and wanted a reaction out of me. What kind of thing is that to say to your son? I've never felt as angry in a long time but I've learnt to bite my tongue.

This is what scares me about going back for Xmas. The last time I was back home, my mother was passively aggressively trying to get me to cut my hair. I remained calm. Told here I wasn't but I then went to the toilet and was raging. I would have loved a punch bag I was that angry. I've had anger issues of late and have spent 2 years, successfully, working on them. The mother episode felt like a step back.

Mint Aero

My ma's the same. I just ignore her though.

djk1000

Throwing this mad idea out there....have you tried talking to her? She probably doesn't realise what she's doing. Tell her that it's driving you away and at some point it's going to affect your relationship. Put what she is doing in simple terms, "You are telling a grown man in his 30's to get a haircut and not taking no for an answer, that's not a normal or ok thing to do" Might make her realise how ridiculous it is.

FTA69

Basically you need to sit her down and tell you're p*ssed off. Do it calmly. Don't raise your voice or make accusations, just point out the fact that you are unhappy with her behaviour and that you're a grown man/woman with your own life. Reassure her that you love her, and appreciate her input and that you're grateful for everything she's done in your life but that that doesn't give her the right to dictate your hairstyle or life in general. Tell her you've achieved much to be proud of and that things are the way they are because that's the way you like them to be. She needs to respect that, tell her it's gotten to the stage where you are no longer enjoying her company and that's not a situation either of you wants.

This "my mam died" sh*t is a load of nonsense as well. Mams can be a bit whingy, we all know that. This is something different. Sh*t behaviour is sh*t behaviour no matter who it's from and nobody should have to put up with it.

El_Dangeroso

Manipulative people are hard to deal with. I read a book called 'When I say no I feel guilty' and it gives you a great set of tools to deal with manipulative people while maintaining a good relationship with them.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

This "my mam died" sh*t is a load of nonsense as well. Mams can be a bit whingy, we all know that. This is something different. Sh*t behaviour is sh*t behaviour no matter who it's from and nobody should have to put up with it.

That's all well and good, I didn't see eye to eye with my own mother she drove me up the wall with constant texts, constant calls and a million questions. However, when that's gone, the annoying things don't seem that annoying anymore, and sometimes you'll even miss the phone not blowing up a hundred times a minute, because annoying and as head wrecking as someone is, it makes them who they are and for a lot of time afterwards you'll wish they were there to bug you about your hair or bug you about whatever.

vitani

Soerenlp wrote: »

What a horrible horrible thing to even consider doing.
There are some places you never go, THIS is one of them.

Normally, I'd agree but I've seen wolfpawnat post over the past while about different things her MIL has said or done to the children as well as her, and tbh, I think she's well within her rights to consider doing this.

wolfpawnat

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Wow.

If you feel so strongly about it, and hate the "insufferable ****" that much, why not cut her loose and have your partner pay his own college fees?

Using your kids as bait until he's finished college is utterly disgusting.


IMO of course

It is his money, she won't let him at the money. Hence the control thing.

She has Called Social services because;

- I had a phone in the room with them,
- because my daughter is breastfed,
- because I sent my son to school at four and a half and not 5.

She called me "two tonne tessie" at my daughters christening at the weekend. Calls my children bastards, told my 4yo she doesn't love him and that she is telling santa not to come because he wouldn't do what she says when it contradicted a direct order from his father. And she says to my son to hit his 4 month old sister because she is bold for crying.

I don't use them against her, she doesn't love them. She would live the rest of her life happily without them. She only does it for appearances. Don't DARE call me horrible for wanting to shield them from her. I am their mother, it is my job to protect them from the likes of that.

Soerenlp wrote: »

What a horrible horrible thing to even consider doing.
There are some places you never go, THIS is one of them.

Same as above, you have NO idea what others go through so don't dare call me horrible when she has fúcked up her daughter into chronic anorexia and is already trying to say my 4 month old is skeletal and disgustingly thin.That is the horrible thing. Don't you judge ANYONE!

IamtheWalrus

FTA69 wrote: »

Basically you need to sit her down and tell you're p*ssed off. Do it calmly. Don't raise your voice or make accusations, just point out the fact that you are unhappy with her behaviour and that you're a grown man/woman with your own life. Reassure her that you love her, and appreciate her input and that you're grateful for everything she's done in your life but that that doesn't give her the right to dictate your hairstyle or life in general. Tell her you've achieved much to be proud of and that things are the way they are because that's the way you like them to be. She needs to respect that, tell her it's gotten to the stage where you are no longer enjoying her company and that's not a situation either of you wants.

I've tried many ways of silencing her. I've told her she's a lot older than me and impossible for her to know what haircut is attractive to people my age. She'll just trot out the 'I know' line. When she realised I wasn't going to cut my hair for her she seems to get annoyed and said 'Well if I die, I don't want you having long hair at my funeral'. Beggars belief.