The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

EoghanIRL · 09-11-2013 02:11AM

The bartender says "We don't serve time travelers in here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

:cool:

EoghanIRL · 09-11-2013 02:14AM

I met a girl with 12 boobs once. Sounds funny dozen tit.

Howard Juneau · 09-11-2013 02:16AM

EoghanIRL wrote: »

I met a girl with 12 boobs once. Sounds funny dozen tit.

No, tit dozen really

Quazzie · 09-11-2013 09:01AM

EoghanIRL wrote: »

I met a girl with 12 boobs once. Sounds funny dozen tit.

She sounds like a right cow to be honest.

Curly Judge · 09-11-2013 09:47AM

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The lttle girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Curly Judge · 09-11-2013 08:05PM

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea. He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks !!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers!'
They downed their drinks.
Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

EoghanIRL · 09-11-2013 11:23PM

Why didn't the bike go to the car show?

Because he was two tired.

brilou23 · 09-11-2013 11:32PM

shame on u lol

EoghanIRL · 10-11-2013 01:18AM

Chuck Norris once won a game of connect 4 in two moves

10-11-2013 10:02AM

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on,
she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled
'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we were friends.'

mark_jmc · 10-11-2013 12:24PM

I was in my friends house the other night when he looked over at his pregnant wife and asked me if I'd like to feel the baby kick, in hindsight I think he meant from the outside..

EoghanIRL · 10-11-2013 10:43PM

mark_jmc wrote: »

I was in my friends house the other night when he looked over at his pregnant wife and asked me if I'd like to feel the baby kick, in hindsight I think he meant from the outside..

We have all been there

EoghanIRL · 11-11-2013 12:50AM

two deer are leaving a gay bar.

one turns to the other and says "I cant believe I blew 40 bucks in there"

Sunnyisland · 11-11-2013 12:31PM

Sad News From The Nestle Factory Today As A Man Was Crushed To Death By Hundreds Of Boxes Of Chocolate.

He Tried In Vain To Free Himself, But Every Time He Yelled 'The Milky Bars Are On Me !!' People Just Cheered....

Curly Judge · 11-11-2013 03:15PM

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in
Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
Snow ploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her
car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snow ploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car
again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was
very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't
know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this
time."

Sunnyisland · 11-11-2013 05:02PM

David Beckham

David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror.

After about five minutes the driver says "OK give me a clue"

Beckham says "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England, is that enough ?"

Driver replies "No you thick pillock, where do you want to go?

rolliepoley · 11-11-2013 10:27PM

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, she demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”

EoghanIRL · 11-11-2013 10:29PM

You've got to hand it to midgets

Because they cant reach it themselves

rolliepoley · 11-11-2013 10:54PM

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along. "What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spatt it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

EoghanIRL · 12-11-2013 12:47AM

I couldn't hire that midget chef cause the steaks were too high.

Curly Judge · 12-11-2013 12:56PM

Hi Helpline,
I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed in the farmyard behind the Massey 135. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the exaust manifold.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole thing?

rolliepoley · 12-11-2013 08:42PM

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew: The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged. The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time. The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed. The painter had a brush with the law several years ago. The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges. The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly. The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

rolliepoley · 12-11-2013 09:17PM

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

Sunnyisland · 12-11-2013 10:01PM

:o:PA guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female."
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White."
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows herself up!":D:cool:

J Cheever Loophole · 13-11-2013 12:20AM

Bloke just knocked on my door.

I opened it and he was about 3ft 3inches tall.

I said "Who are you?"

He said "I'm the meter man."

:pac:

EoghanIRL · 13-11-2013 12:50AM

One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear a soldier.
"One American soldier can take out 10 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general smirks, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the hill. A brief firefight ensues, and then everything goes quiet...
"One American soldier can take out 100 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is rightfully impressed, so he laughs and sends 100 of his soldiers over the hill to finish the job. A large battle is heard over the hill that lasts much longer than the previous fight. Finally, everything calms down...
"One American soldier can take out 1000 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is furious, and sends over 1000 of his best soldiers. A massive and lengthy battle takes place over the hill. During the fight, a wounded Iraqi soldier comes crawling back over the hill toward the general.
"Sir! Do not send any more men! It's a trap! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!!"

EoghanIRL · 13-11-2013 12:51AM

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.

Nah, I'm just kidding. He hasn't opened it yet.

Busted Flat. · 13-11-2013 01:07AM

EoghanIRL wrote: »

My apologies if this has been told here already (I haven't found it yet). A military buddy of mine told me this when he got back home:
One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear a soldier.
"One American soldier can take out 10 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general smirks, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the hill. A brief firefight ensues, and then everything goes quiet...
"One American soldier can take out 100 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is rightfully impressed, so he laughs and sends 100 of his soldiers over the hill to finish the job. A large battle is heard over the hill that lasts much longer than the previous fight. Finally, everything calms down...
"One American soldier can take out 1000 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is furious, and sends over 1000 of his best soldiers. A massive and lengthy battle takes place over the hill. During the fight, a wounded Iraqi soldier comes crawling back over the hill toward the general.
"Sir! Do not send any more men! It's a trap! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!!"

Considering the mayhem and the cost to the world, in injuries and deaths to young kids by the tyrant that started the destruction of another state, IMOP that is a sad joke.

Curly Judge · 13-11-2013 01:13AM

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Considering the mayhem and the cost to the world, in injuries and deaths to young kids by the tyrant that started the destruction of another state, IMOP that is a sad joke.

It's a joke...geddit....a bloody joke!
To my mind the one about the boy with the gloves is worse but either way hardly the end of civilization as we know it?

Howard Juneau · 13-11-2013 01:16AM

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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