Domestic Violence

Femme_Fatale · 30-10-2013 11:46PM

myshirt wrote: »

I do realise that men are the subject of abuse, of course, but nevertheless, there is weight to the point that women bear the unproportionate share of domestic violence in Ireland. To pick yourself up from this.... I dunno... the strength of character... could a man do it if he was on the receiving end, I'm not sure if that resilience is as innate in Irish men as it is our women.

I've no doubt it is - it's just that there are far fewer services for men who are victims of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse of men is more hidden also. People are coming around to the idea now but up to relatively recently it was unheard of, and even ridiculed.

On another note: can ye please stop calling it DV, as I just think of DVDA straightaway!

:mad::pac:

Neyite · 30-10-2013 11:56PM

I was threatened with a knife. I was choked. On a good day, I just got abuse and vile names screamed in my face as I backed away until my back was against the wall. Regularly my belongings got trashed - photo frames, gadgets, plates, cups etc. Snapped my phone so I couldnt call someone to get help. Stole my car and drove it, unlicenced and uninsured while drunk and stoned. And more. So much more.

That was just the physical stuff. The emotional and financial abuse was just as bad, if not worse. Gaslighting, verbal abuse that went under the radar in the guise of slagging or messing and if I took offence or got upset, I had no sense of humour. Lying, trying to do everything to make me jealous or insecure, so I felt like the reason for all the rows. The amount of nights I slept in the car.

God, I'm so fcuking happy to be out of that. It nearly broke me at the time, but I was determined not to let it affect any more of my life than it had already.

There is an often recommended book that deals with the psyche of an abuser that I intend on downloading called "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. I've seen parts of it quoted and discussed and it seems spot on to me.

Femme_Fatale · 30-10-2013 11:59PM

Neyite wrote:

Gaslighting, verbal abuse that went under the radar in the guise of slagging or messing and if I took offence or got upset, I had no sense of humour.

Among the lowest - because it must be so hard to defend yourself and not look like you're being irrational (to them). "Gaslighting" is total and utter psychological torment.

Stheno · 31-10-2013 12:03AM

phasers wrote: »

My Ma bet the ****e out of my Dad one time because he drove home from work drunk

He deserved it though, the eejit. He never did it again

Undeserved regardless of gender, I've known men suffer broken bones, severe PTSD and lifelong repercussions due to domestic violence commited by women.

myshirt wrote: »

Seems to be some heavy criticism here..

It's as simple as this, you can say what you like about guys who beat their women but don't they get a cup of tea and sandwich when they ask for one.

Domestic violence is about control, the victims of it are more likely to scurry to provide what is wanted/asked for to avoid any confrontation

Femme_Fatale wrote: »

I've no doubt it is - it's just that there are far fewer services for men who are victims of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse of men is more hidden also. People are coming around to the idea now but up to relatively recently it was unheard of, and even ridiculed.

On another note: can ye please stop calling it DV, as I just think of DVDA straightaway! :mad::pac:

A lot of research (and a search on here will back it up) indicates that there is no gender disparity in terms of males/females being more suspect to suffering domestic violence, rather it is seen/reported/funded more as an issue for women than men.

When I was many years younger than now, like Neyite I suffered domestic violence, beaten in front of friends, locked into the flat we lived in, amongst other incidents. I'm glad I got out and have moved on but it took time.

woodoo · 31-10-2013 12:05AM

Why do people stay with an abusive partner. Makes no sense to me.

Muise... · 31-10-2013 12:06AM

woodoo wrote: »

Why do people stay with an abusive partner. Makes no sense to me.

because the abuse includes making them think they are the ones in the wrong.

31-10-2013 12:07AM

woodoo wrote: »

Why do people stay with an abusive partner. Makes no sense to me.

there are a million reasons, and none of them make sense, but you stay anyway.
I dont know why either.

Witchie · 31-10-2013 12:10AM

woodoo wrote: »

Why do people stay with an abusive partner. Makes no sense to me.

Sometimes it's not so straight forward as just leaving. I know in my case it took time coz we had 2 small kids and I wanted to try and fix things. We went to counselling, I tried to be the model wife but when I knew I had given it everything and nothing would change his behaviour I then felt I could leave having given it everything I could to try and save our marriage.

Stheno · 31-10-2013 12:10AM

Jake1 wrote: »

there are a million reasons, and none of them make sense, but you stay anyway.
I dont know why either.

One reason is that those who are prone to be domestically violent are not so all of the time, and the extent of the violence builds up usually slowly and over a long enough period. It becomes very easy for a victim to decide/understand that as the dinner wasn't ready/the flat wasn't clean/the pair of jeans weren't ironed, that they are at fault and "deserve" the violence meted out.

The lucky ones get out at some point, others spend years/decades suffering abuse.

Mr Simpson · 31-10-2013 12:13AM

woodoo wrote: »

Why do people stay with an abusive partner. Makes no sense to me.

In a lot of cases because they have been worn down so much and made feel so worthless, that they feel trapped and become dependent on the abuser

Stheno · 31-10-2013 12:16AM

Mr Simpson wrote: »

In a lot of cases because they have been worn down so much and made feel so worthless, that they feel trapped and become dependent on the abuser

Fear/shame is a big part of it too, I was very young in terms of an adult when I was in that situation, and got very isolated from my family/friends/any sort of support.

Eventually my mother came to see me, and I remember being out with her and she asked me if things were ok.

Next thing, the floodgates opened, and my father was up next day to take me home. I spent the best part of six months or so then living on couches/friends/family homes until I got myself settled.

Didn't help that for several years after I got away my ex stalked me/my family when possible.

People who know me after it all happened would never and have said so think it would happen to me as I appear to be a fairly outgoing and confident person

canadianwoman · 31-10-2013 12:19AM

Jake1 wrote: »

there are a million reasons, and none of them make sense, but you stay anyway.
I dont know why either.

The only thing I can think of about why I stayed so long in an abusive marriage was that I really had no place else to go. I did not have any income of my own at the time. Add to that my own mother, who did not want to help me at all because he would just show up at her place when he was drunk and with her being the drama queen that she was did not help the situation any.

My older sister tried to help but he ended up showing up there too and whever I called the shelters they were often already full.

Finally one Friday evening, after a beating, the police tossed him in jail for the weekend and Monday morning he was up in front of a judge who put 2 restraining orders on him. It was only then that I was finally able to escape him.

Auldloon · 31-10-2013 12:24AM

woodoo wrote: »

Why do people stay with an abusive partner. Makes no sense to me.

Love in its most messed up form makes no sense. In my case between the psycho episodes were tears, begging, promises to this time get professional help and all the good things that made me fall in love with her in the first place. It seemed to go in cycles of a few months of bliss then total destruction. I suppose I eventually saw that she would never change and by then my feelings for her had.

197th User Id · 31-10-2013 12:25AM

They're vulnerable when they're drunk.

I can't imagine living with an abusive drunk woman - mostly because my pimp hand is capable.
My advice to a woman abused by a drunk would be to wait til he's asleep or hung over.

Stheno · 31-10-2013 12:28AM

canadianwoman wrote: »

The only thing I can think of about why I stayed so long in an abusive marriage was that I really had no place else to go. I did not have any income of my own at the time. Add to that my own mother, who did not want to help me at all because he would just show up at her place when he was drunk and with her being the drama queen that she was did not help the situation any.

My older sister tried to help but he ended up showing up there too and whever I called the shelters they were often already full.

Finally one Friday evening, after a beating, the police tossed him in jail for the weekend and Monday morning he was up in front of a judge who put 2 restraining orders on him. It was only then that I was finally able to escape him.

This would have been me too, only difference is my parents intervened, and the stalking started, and I ended up with the police telling me to take a chance going back to where I lived alone after I was attacked on the street, or spending the night in the cop shop.

There are very very few emergency services out of hours in this country to support victims of domestic violence.

Neyite · 31-10-2013 12:28AM

woodoo wrote: »

Why do people stay with an abusive partner. Makes no sense to me.

You get told often enough that you are fat, ugly, old, a horrible person, etc you start to believe it. My ex started off very gradual. I was confident and independent before it started. It was a gradual erosion of my self worth, until there was nothing left. You believe that YOU are the one that is causing all the issues in the relationship, because you get told so often.

I was lucky in that I had very little to take with me (lol, the fcuker smashed them all) but there are other women who get trapped into a financial poverty by their abuser, or they move miles and miles away from friends and family so they have nowhere to flee to, or there are children and you have no means to feed or shelter them. Then there is the very real fear that the partner will escalate the violence if they sense you plan to leave ( its one of the things that Womens Aid warn about) threaten to hurt or kill your children or you.

There was a chilling thread on Mumsnet of a woman who was at her wits end. She basically paid him rent in her house, gave him half her (uk) child tax credits and half the child benefit. She hadn't had a haircut for 3 years. She had kept her last £1 to pay for a toddler activity and he "borrowed" it. She had barely any food. And all the while he was berating her about what a useless mother and housekeeper she was, while standing in a new coat that cost him £300 when his kids needed shoes.

She got terrific advice from experienced posters and had made the initial contact with a shelter. You could nearly see it dawn on her as the thread went on, and she got braver and stronger. Then he started acting funny, took 2 weeks off work and hid the kids passports in the attic and she was too terrified to get them. She never returned to the thread, by the sounds of it he found her internet history or her user name. I hope she escaped with her children I really hope so.

canadianwoman · 31-10-2013 12:31AM

Stheno wrote: »

There are very very few emergency services out of hours in this country to support victims of domestic violence.

Where I live it is a little better then when I had to go through it (from 1983 to 86/7) but not as much as it could be.

Stheno · 31-10-2013 12:35AM

canadianwoman wrote: »

Where I live it is a little better then when I had to go through it (from 1983 to 86/7) but not as much as it could be.

Nothing changed here as far as I am aware, and it's a good twenty years ago sadly.

Shortly after I got out I had the chance to study film, and decided to a short docudrama on young victims of domestic violence, but there was very little information available on the breakdown of who suffers domestic violence and the demographics. I can understand data protection etc, but not even a breakdown of age/gender was available.

THe last my family and I heard of my ex (who was a very heavy drinker) was an emergency call from an a and e department, I believe he's dead now, and died at a very young age due to alcohol abuse.

Witchie · 31-10-2013 12:38AM

Neyite wrote: »

You get told often enough that you are fat, ugly, old, a horrible person, etc you start to believe it. My ex started off very gradual. I was confident and independent before it started. It was a gradual erosion of my self worth, until there was nothing left. You believe that YOU are the one that is causing all the issues in the relationship, because you get told so often.

This was a big part of my problem. About 3 months after my youngest was born, me with post natal depression and miserable in my marriage, I still was carrying a bit of weight. We were doing the grocery shopping one day and I picked up a packet of buns that I knew he liked to and said "will we get these" thinking it would keep him sweet. He said loudly "do you not think you are fat enough". I was so embarrassed. If he had known me at all he would have known that I hated those kind of buns anyway and he was the only one who would eat them.

About 2 years after I left him I met a guy I had known in my teens and he shocked me by saying "where is the real witchie, she's gone from your eyes, bring her back". I am not sure 14 and half years later if she is fully back yet and I have issues with my weight. I know its mainly down to the fact that its like a defence mechanism. I feel if am fat I will never attract someone who will abuse me again. If someone is attracted to me while I am this size then they must be ok. Warped logic I know and probably why I am alone.

FoxyVixen · 31-10-2013 12:38AM

Neyite wrote: »

You get told often enough that you are fat, ugly, old, a horrible person, etc you start to believe it. My ex started off very gradual. I was confident and independent before it started. It was a gradual erosion of my self worth, until there was nothing left:-X...............

My god that's put some chills through me

!!!

And I commend every single woman and man who have shared their stories here. You've my utmost respect and are truly the definition of brave!!

I hope this thread reaches some of those now caught in situations similar to yours and find that bit of bravery to cut ties with their abuser

canadianwoman · 31-10-2013 12:39AM

Neyite wrote: »

You get told often enough that you are fat, ugly, old, a horrible person, etc you start to believe it. My ex started off very gradual. I was confident and independent before it started. It was a gradual erosion of my self worth, until there was nothing left. You believe that YOU are the one that is causing all the issues in the relationship, because you get told so often.

Same here. I had lots of confidence before I met him but that was eventually eaten away throughout the relationship and the worst part is at the time I never even noticed it until it was too late.

Neyite wrote: »

I was lucky in that I had very little to take with me (lol, the fcuker smashed them all)

I came out of the marriage with one thought....stuff can be replaced and I was delighted to get out of it with myself and our son intact. I still am delighted 30 plus years later.

Recently that ex-husband tried to Facebook friend me and I was having none of it. My status became "Sorry but I do not 'friend' people who I think are a waste of space."

Our son knew exactly who I meant by that.

Stheno · 31-10-2013 12:45AM

Witchie wrote: »

About 2 years after I left him I met a guy I had known in my teens and he shocked me by saying "where is the real witchie, she's gone from your eyes, bring her back". I am not sure 14 and half years later if she is fully back yet and I have issues with my weight. I know its mainly down to the fact that its like a defence mechanism. I feel if am fat I will never attract someone who will abuse me again. If someone is attracted to me while I am this size then they must be ok. Warped logic I know and probably why I am alone.

I didn't have the experience weight wise, but I'd similiar from different perspectives, especially in terms of thinking I'd any sort of future as anything other than a doormat, and was very lucky to meet a couple of people who saw something in me and drew it out.

The entire experience certainly changed me, made me very wary of people full stop and definitely shaped me as I am now.

That said, twenty years later, I'm happy with me, enjoy my life and this year took up a hobby I'd wanted to do for years, but always thought was "above my station" so maybe I'm still working on it

I guess subconsiously the effects linger. One weird one I have is that due to my experience with the police on three seperate occasions not dealing with my complaints, I'm wary of going near them for any valid reason.

Muise... · 31-10-2013 12:50AM

canadianwoman wrote: »

Recently that ex-husband tried to Facebook friend me and I was having none of it. My status became "Sorry but I do not 'friend' people who I think are a waste of space."

Hey, I know a song about that. All together now!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7MuwPlOiNQ

canadianwoman · 31-10-2013 01:00AM

Witchie wrote: »

This was a big part of my problem. About 3 months after my youngest was born, me with post natal depression and miserable in my marriage, I still was carrying a bit of weight. We were doing the grocery shopping one day and I picked up a packet of buns that I knew he liked to and said "will we get these" thinking it would keep him sweet. He said loudly "do you not think you are fat enough". I was so embarrassed. If he had known me at all he would have known that I hated those kind of buns anyway and he was the only one who would eat them.

About 2 years after I left him I met a guy I had known in my teens and he shocked me by saying "where is the real witchie, she's gone from your eyes, bring her back". I am not sure 14 and half years later if she is fully back yet and I have issues with my weight. I know its mainly down to the fact that its like a defence mechanism. I feel if am fat I will never attract someone who will abuse me again. If someone is attracted to me while I am this size then they must be ok. Warped logic I know and probably why I am alone.

Embrace you aloneness. I certainly do with mine.

Yes, I was alone for a long time after my abusive marriage but now I am alone by choice.

Would I like another long term relationship? Sure. Who wouldn't but I am not 100% positive that I want to commit to one. Except for a couple of minor issues, I feel in control of every minute of my life right now and I like it that way.

I'm overweight too and I can still attract men. The trouble is not many of them attract me anymore.

Tasden · 31-10-2013 01:03AM

woodoo wrote: »

Why do people stay with an abusive partner. Makes no sense to me.

So far what alot of the posters have said is common. Another aspect is quite simply, you love them. Or at least think you do. You fell in love with that person and were happy together. Gradually he becomes possessive but you think "ah he just cares for me, and maybe I was flirting with that sales assistant". Things like that get more frequent but you think "he's still the person I love, he just cares and is having a tough time" etc. You gloss over the **** because once upon a time you loved everything about them and you put up with the hell because they love you back. If you suddenly stop loving them "just because they care about you so much" then what kind of person are you. The bad stuff doesn't negate the good stuff you once had because you're clinging to "what ifs", because you had a future laid out with this person and if they just stopped with these "little things", everything would be perfect. So you just hope it stops. But obviously it doesn't, it just gets worse.

The abuser isn't always "abusing". Sometimes when its good it feels so good that you put up with the bad when it happens.

canadianwoman · 31-10-2013 01:04AM

Muise... wrote: »

Hey, I know a song about that. All together now!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7MuwPlOiNQ

Sounds like she wants to be his friend on Facebook.

Stheno · 31-10-2013 01:04AM

canadianwoman wrote: »

Embrace you aloneness. I certainly do with mine. Yes, I was alone for a long time after my abusive marriage but now I am alone by choice.

Would I like another long term relationship? Sure. Who wouldn't but I am not 100% positive that I want to commit to one. Except for a couple of minor issues, I feel in control of every minute of my life right now and I like it that way.

I'm overweight too and I can still attract men. The trouble is not many of them attract me anymore.

I'm probably your opposite, I'm tall and to put it kindly very slim, I'm a size 6-8 (2-4 in Canadian) and have extremely short hair. A lot of men find me very unattractive as I don't look very feminine

I'm in my second long term relationship since the nasty episode as I think of it, and it probably is the most fulfilling relationship I've been in.

My OH just tonight when we were driving off to do a bit of shopping heard a song on the radio and sang a parody of it related to us in a very nice way, and while I thought it was very soppy, and something I'd never do, I thoroughly enjoyed the sentiment behind it

That said, he will often say that I am extremely closed and slow to share with him, something I learned not to do during the abusive episode.

canadianwoman · 31-10-2013 01:12AM

Stheno wrote: »

That said, he will often say that I am extremely closed and slow to share with him, something I learned not to do during the abusive episode.

I can understand that very well. There are parts of my past life that I don't want to share with the men who I form friendships/relationships with. I feel that I am not obligated to. Those things are in the past and I prefer that they stay there.

With that said, I am willing to bet that at least one of my friends is getting an eyeful if he reads any of my posts on Boards.

Stheno · 31-10-2013 01:16AM

canadianwoman wrote: »

I can understand that very well. There are parts of my past life that I don't want to share with the men who I form friendships/relationships with. I feel that I am not obligated to. Those things are in the past and I prefer that they stay there.

With that said, I am willing to bet that at least one of my friends is getting an eyeful if he reads any of my posts on Boards.

I don't share that part of my life with most people, I can think of a small handful over the years who have any idea of the detail.

One thing I always regret is that I had two close friends at the time, whom I removed from my life rather than involve them, and I look back on that with sadness. It has no impact on my current life that they are not there, but ever since that dreadul episode, I have distrusted people, and been slow to form friendships

Stheno · 31-10-2013 01:26AM

I was thinking about this, and decided if even one man or woman suffering from domestic violence/being beaten due to their relationship/having their freedom restricted as a result of it and you read this and decide it worth taking action, then it's worth me posting.

I was literally a slave. I was locked into a flat at my abusers choosing, couldn't go to the shops, the library, anything. I had no life.

I got out by talking to my family and it took a great effort.

It hurt and for a long time I was very unsettled, worried and had my ex stalk me and my family.

Now he doesn't feature in my life at all (I suspect he's dead), I've a good enough relationship with my family, am in a long term relationship where I am constantly amazed at my parthers kindness and wonder why I put up with so much ****e for so long.

If you are in a crap situation, talk to your friends and family before it is too late. Talk to womens aid (if you are a woman) or AMEN (if you are a man) and get the advice you need to help you

I just walked as I'd no kids/possessions that were important, but if you have read this thread and related to it and thought you'd like to be me or any other poster on here who has gotten away there is help there. Find it and use it.

And best of luck.

Domestic Violence

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