Domestic Violence

RiverOfLove

Fair City did a domestic violence story line recently with the on screen family the Bishops.

Me and my mom were talking of DV and I remember when I was small my dad coming home drunk and being a thug towards my mam.
We were yapping away and she told me of neighbour that used to suffer DV from her husband and story went in the pub that she used to hind under the kitchen table and other places around her house from the husband who came home drunk and shouting his head off. He went so far as killing a dog she loved right in front of her.

A few months ago another neighbour fell and ended up in hospital with a split head. Me and mom though have our doubts though about that and reckon there was something else more at play there and perhaps her husband did something to her. He's pig anyways so we wouldn't be far off on our speculating.

Do others here have any experiences of domestic violence?

Frosty McSnowballs

Vigo had a history of violence.

Nothing funny about DV though.

harryr711

You can beat the wife but you can't beat the craic!

Ihatecuddles-old

Domestic violence, unfortunately yes. The physical part is bearable, the impact it has on your mental health is devastating.

Probably say the same about Fair City!

hfallada

I dont watch fair city( its a pile of Sh1t). But I imagine of course the husband was beating the wife, as only men can be violent. I know more guys who are getting abused by their GFs, than girls getting abused by their BFs. But the Irish media like to ignore that, as it doesnt fit the norm. You never hear of the guy getting verbal and physically abused by his wife as it isnt a good story.

mikom

RiverOfLove wrote: »

Me and my mom were talking of DV

That's funny, my mom and I were just talking about DVDA.

phasers

My Ma bet the ****e out of my Dad one time because he drove home from work drunk

He deserved it though, the eejit. He never did it again

wazky

phasers wrote: »

My Ma bet the ****e out of my Dad one time because he drove home from work drunk

He deserved it though, the eejit. He never did it again

Where does he work?, product quality at a brewery?

Maire2009

hfallada wrote: »

I dont watch fair city( its a pile of Sh1t). But I imagine of course the husband was beating the wife, as only men can be violent. I know more guys who are getting abused by their GFs, than girls getting abused by their BFs. But the Irish media like to ignore that, as it doesnt fit the norm. You never hear of the guy getting verbal and physically abused by his wife as it isnt a good story.

Fair City already ran a storyline where the wife was being abusive to the husband and the husband was ashamed to admit it.

canadianwoman

Divorced my husband in 1986 because of being beaten up every weekend.

Ihatecuddles-old

Maire2009 wrote: »

Fair City already ran a storyline where the wife was being abusive to the husband and the husband was ashamed to admit it.

On the ball so they are.

mikom

RiverOfLove wrote: »

Fair City did a domestic violence story line recently with the on screen family the Bishops.

Was this the episode titled "bashing the bishop"?

Femme_Fatale

Maire2009 wrote: »

Fair City already ran a storyline where the wife was being abusive to the husband and the husband was ashamed to admit it.

And it was a storyline in Coronation Street quite recently.

Chucken

When I saw the thread title, it gave me a shiver.
I was a victim of domestic violence for years until I finally asked for help.
It was the best thing I ever did, so can I just say to anyone out there suffering in silence, please ask for help.
There are people out there who will help you!!

Coincidentally Nov 25th is the start of " 16 Days Of Action"
http://www.womensaid.ie/campaigns/16days/201016days.html

Femme_Fatale

canadianwoman wrote: »

Divorced my husband in 1986 because of being beaten up every weekend.

Chucken wrote: »

When I saw the thread title, it gave me a shiver.
I was a victim of domestic violence for years until I finally asked for help.
It was the best thing I ever did

I've huge admiration for the way ye came through it - it was no doubt terrifying. Domestic abuse doesn't just bring the obvious abuse/intimidation element, it can bring loneliness, loss of self worth, loss of self respect... to the point where the abused becomes pretty much reliant on their abuser, and feels it's all they deserve.

loveBBhate

My Dad used to be domestically violent towards both my Mum and me, not to my younger brother or sister though which to this day I don't understand. Happened regularly as I was growing up, more so when he was drunk. That was until I was older and was able to defend myself. Once he realised that I was able to stand up for both myself and my Mother he stopped, defining exactly what he was in that sense, a bully! Thankfully we no longer have any contact at all with him. There's a lot more to it than just DV but he really is a horrible person.

Long story short it would have continued had I not stood up to him, also my sister told my Mum's side of the family what was going on and they helped us through everything. No one outside the 5 of us had known much about it until then. Court procedures, restriction orders, etc... It was a tough time. Glad to be free of it now and Mum is happier now than she ever was with her boyfriend, never seen her truly happy until then.

Femme_Fatale

phasers wrote: »

My Ma bet the ****e out of my Dad one time because he drove home from work drunk

He deserved it though, the eejit. He never did it again

But imagine if your dad beat the **** out of your mam - I don't think many would say she deserved it, no matter what for.

There really is no justification for resorting to violence, unless self defence.

Chucken

Femme_Fatale wrote: »

I've huge admiration for the way ye came through it - it was no doubt terrifying. Domestic abuse doesn't just bring the obvious abuse/intimidation element, it can bring loneliness, loss of self worth, loss of self respect... to the point where the abused becomes pretty much reliant on their abuser, and feels it's all they deserve.

You have it in a nutshell.

My situation was in the 80s, but what I've noticed now with technology,is that it nearly makes it easier to start the controlling.

Constant texts, checking emails, stalking on facebook etc.
Its so easy for a 14 year old to think her fella loves her because he wants her all to himself...I'd recommend running the other way if they start that.

myshirt

As the old proverb goes, you should never raise your hand to a woman if you have a good boot on your foot.

loveBBhate

Expected banter on this thread given it is 'AH' and I have laughed at a few posts to be fair despite most of my childhood having a lot to do with DV as mentioned in a post above but I'm sure everyone on here is against it so let ye not get offended guys and gals

myshirt

loveBBhate wrote: »

Expected banter on this thread given it is 'AH' and I have laughed at a few posts to be fair despite most of my childhood having a lot to do with DV as mentioned in a post above but I'm sure everyone on here is against it so let ye not get offended guys and gals

True statement.

Thank god for places like http://www.adaptservices.ie/ where women who step out of line can go and get rehabilitated.

Witchie

My ex was abusive. Whilst he never hit me directly, he did punch holes in the walls beside my head while screaming in my face and he punched a door which hit me in the head.

While I will never excuse what he did, I kinda understand why. We were both very young and with a small kid and he had to grow up suddenly. He wasn't mentally ready for it and I put him under pressure to get his act together. I think he felt like a caged animal. Still no excuse for making my life hell but I probably didn't make his much better!

I still have some issues from this time and not sure I ever will fully leave them behind but hey, life goes on.

sonny jim bob jones

hfallada wrote: »

I dont watch fair city( its a pile of Sh1t). But I imagine of course the husband was beating the wife, as only men can be violent. I know more guys who are getting abused by their GFs, than girls getting abused by their BFs. But the Irish media like to ignore that, as it doesnt fit the norm. You never hear of the guy getting verbal and physically abused by his wife as it isnt a good story.

Busted.

maringo

Unfortunately dv seems to be a fact of life in some relationships. Both mental and physical. Never encountered it myself but it certainly goes on as Women's Aid refuges always seem to be full of women and kids in fear of their safety. I remember as a kid hearing people talk about a woman and her kids who left their house late every Friday and Saturday nights when the husband arrived back from the pub. Think the father was drunk and violent and they either ran out or were thrown out. I think some neighbours took them in regularly. As a kid I didn't think too much about it. There was no divorce then and a woman without an independent income would have had to stay in the abusive home. Of course, men too are sometimes victims of bullying and violence but I think they are often afraid to seek help. At least these days dv is acknowledged and talked about and support can be got to help people get out of their desperate situation.

Chucken

myshirt wrote: »

True statement.

Thank god for places like http://www.adaptservices.ie/ where women who step out of line can go and get rehabilitated.

I know you're being lighthearted so I'll just let you off with that one
What about this http://www.clarehaven.ie/index.php?page=7&lang=EN

Muise...

I slept on the floor of the sitting room one night after a row. He came in and kicked me in the stomach. His feet were bare and he stubbed his toes on my ribcage (which nearly made me laugh) and I kicked him out and never ever looked kindly at him again.

myshirt

Seems to be some heavy criticism here..

It's as simple as this, you can say what you like about guys who beat their women but don't they get a cup of tea and sandwich when they ask for one.

Lived with a man who beat the ****e out of me quite a few times. So one night I poured lighter fluid all around the bed as he sleep in it. Doused him

Myself and a cigarette lighter kept a vigil on him,. When he finally woke up to the sounds of the lighter being lit up repeatedley, I explained to him that Id had quite enough, and If he ever laid a finger on me again, I would burn him to death as he slept.

The look of terror on his face was priceless.

myshirt

Chucken wrote: »

I know you're being lighthearted so I'll just let you off with that one
What about this http://www.clarehaven.ie/index.php?page=7&lang=EN

Good to see.

In reality, domestic violence is no joke. I think a previous poster highlighted the impact on your mental well being - I can only imagine. Shocks to the conscience.

The strength and courage of some women is unreal. Now, I do realise that men are the subject of abuse, of course, but nevertheless, there is weight to the point that women bear the unproportionate share of domestic violence in Ireland. To pick yourself up from this.... I dunno... the strength of character... could a man do it if he was on the receiving end, I'm not sure if that resilience is as innate in Irish men as it is our women.

Chucken

Jake1 wrote: »

Lived with a man who beat the ****e out of me quite a few times. So one night I poured lighter fluid all around the bed as he sleep in it. Doused him

Myself and a cigarette lighter kept a vigil on him,. When he finally woke up to the sounds of the lighter being lit up repeatedley, I explained to him that Id had quite enough, and If he ever laid a finger on me again, I would burn him to death as he slept.

The look of terror on his face was priceless.

I dont know what to say to this.
I shouldnt laugh but........
Ya looper! I can totally understand being driven to doing that though.

Auldloon

Yes I'd a psycho ex who used fly at me fists boots and weapons flying. To my shame I eventually hit back which seemed to be what she wanted. She used tell me I was now an abuser and eventually I started to believe her. I'm glad to say in the 10 years since I left that nut job there's not been a single incident, not even close.

Femme_Fatale

myshirt wrote: »

I do realise that men are the subject of abuse, of course, but nevertheless, there is weight to the point that women bear the unproportionate share of domestic violence in Ireland. To pick yourself up from this.... I dunno... the strength of character... could a man do it if he was on the receiving end, I'm not sure if that resilience is as innate in Irish men as it is our women.

I've no doubt it is - it's just that there are far fewer services for men who are victims of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse of men is more hidden also. People are coming around to the idea now but up to relatively recently it was unheard of, and even ridiculed.

On another note: can ye please stop calling it DV, as I just think of DVDA straightaway! :mad::pac:

Neyite

I was threatened with a knife. I was choked. On a good day, I just got abuse and vile names screamed in my face as I backed away until my back was against the wall. Regularly my belongings got trashed - photo frames, gadgets, plates, cups etc. Snapped my phone so I couldnt call someone to get help. Stole my car and drove it, unlicenced and uninsured while drunk and stoned. And more. So much more.

That was just the physical stuff. The emotional and financial abuse was just as bad, if not worse. Gaslighting, verbal abuse that went under the radar in the guise of slagging or messing and if I took offence or got upset, I had no sense of humour. Lying, trying to do everything to make me jealous or insecure, so I felt like the reason for all the rows. The amount of nights I slept in the car.

God, I'm so fcuking happy to be out of that. It nearly broke me at the time, but I was determined not to let it affect any more of my life than it had already.

There is an often recommended book that deals with the psyche of an abuser that I intend on downloading called "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. I've seen parts of it quoted and discussed and it seems spot on to me.

Femme_Fatale

Neyite wrote:

Gaslighting, verbal abuse that went under the radar in the guise of slagging or messing and if I took offence or got upset, I had no sense of humour.

Among the lowest - because it must be so hard to defend yourself and not look like you're being irrational (to them). "Gaslighting" is total and utter psychological torment.

Stheno

phasers wrote: »

My Ma bet the ****e out of my Dad one time because he drove home from work drunk

He deserved it though, the eejit. He never did it again

Undeserved regardless of gender, I've known men suffer broken bones, severe PTSD and lifelong repercussions due to domestic violence commited by women.

myshirt wrote: »

Seems to be some heavy criticism here..

It's as simple as this, you can say what you like about guys who beat their women but don't they get a cup of tea and sandwich when they ask for one.

Domestic violence is about control, the victims of it are more likely to scurry to provide what is wanted/asked for to avoid any confrontation

Femme_Fatale wrote: »

I've no doubt it is - it's just that there are far fewer services for men who are victims of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse of men is more hidden also. People are coming around to the idea now but up to relatively recently it was unheard of, and even ridiculed.

On another note: can ye please stop calling it DV, as I just think of DVDA straightaway! :mad::pac:

A lot of research (and a search on here will back it up) indicates that there is no gender disparity in terms of males/females being more suspect to suffering domestic violence, rather it is seen/reported/funded more as an issue for women than men.

When I was many years younger than now, like Neyite I suffered domestic violence, beaten in front of friends, locked into the flat we lived in, amongst other incidents. I'm glad I got out and have moved on but it took time.

woodoo

Why do people stay with an abusive partner. Makes no sense to me.

Muise...

woodoo wrote: »

Why do people stay with an abusive partner. Makes no sense to me.

because the abuse includes making them think they are the ones in the wrong.

woodoo

woodoo wrote: »

Why do people stay with an abusive partner. Makes no sense to me.

there are a million reasons, and none of them make sense, but you stay anyway.
I dont know why either.

Witchie

woodoo wrote: »

Why do people stay with an abusive partner. Makes no sense to me.

Sometimes it's not so straight forward as just leaving. I know in my case it took time coz we had 2 small kids and I wanted to try and fix things. We went to counselling, I tried to be the model wife but when I knew I had given it everything and nothing would change his behaviour I then felt I could leave having given it everything I could to try and save our marriage.

Stheno

Jake1 wrote: »

there are a million reasons, and none of them make sense, but you stay anyway.
I dont know why either.

One reason is that those who are prone to be domestically violent are not so all of the time, and the extent of the violence builds up usually slowly and over a long enough period. It becomes very easy for a victim to decide/understand that as the dinner wasn't ready/the flat wasn't clean/the pair of jeans weren't ironed, that they are at fault and "deserve" the violence meted out.

The lucky ones get out at some point, others spend years/decades suffering abuse.

Mr Simpson

woodoo wrote: »

Why do people stay with an abusive partner. Makes no sense to me.

In a lot of cases because they have been worn down so much and made feel so worthless, that they feel trapped and become dependent on the abuser

Stheno

Mr Simpson wrote: »

In a lot of cases because they have been worn down so much and made feel so worthless, that they feel trapped and become dependent on the abuser

Fear/shame is a big part of it too, I was very young in terms of an adult when I was in that situation, and got very isolated from my family/friends/any sort of support.

Eventually my mother came to see me, and I remember being out with her and she asked me if things were ok.

Next thing, the floodgates opened, and my father was up next day to take me home. I spent the best part of six months or so then living on couches/friends/family homes until I got myself settled.

Didn't help that for several years after I got away my ex stalked me/my family when possible.

People who know me after it all happened would never and have said so think it would happen to me as I appear to be a fairly outgoing and confident person

canadianwoman

Jake1 wrote: »

there are a million reasons, and none of them make sense, but you stay anyway.
I dont know why either.

The only thing I can think of about why I stayed so long in an abusive marriage was that I really had no place else to go. I did not have any income of my own at the time. Add to that my own mother, who did not want to help me at all because he would just show up at her place when he was drunk and with her being the drama queen that she was did not help the situation any.

My older sister tried to help but he ended up showing up there too and whever I called the shelters they were often already full.

Finally one Friday evening, after a beating, the police tossed him in jail for the weekend and Monday morning he was up in front of a judge who put 2 restraining orders on him. It was only then that I was finally able to escape him.

Auldloon

woodoo wrote: »

Why do people stay with an abusive partner. Makes no sense to me.

Love in its most messed up form makes no sense. In my case between the psycho episodes were tears, begging, promises to this time get professional help and all the good things that made me fall in love with her in the first place. It seemed to go in cycles of a few months of bliss then total destruction. I suppose I eventually saw that she would never change and by then my feelings for her had.

197th User Id

They're vulnerable when they're drunk.

I can't imagine living with an abusive drunk woman - mostly because my pimp hand is capable.
My advice to a woman abused by a drunk would be to wait til he's asleep or hung over.

Stheno

canadianwoman wrote: »

The only thing I can think of about why I stayed so long in an abusive marriage was that I really had no place else to go. I did not have any income of my own at the time. Add to that my own mother, who did not want to help me at all because he would just show up at her place when he was drunk and with her being the drama queen that she was did not help the situation any.

My older sister tried to help but he ended up showing up there too and whever I called the shelters they were often already full.

Finally one Friday evening, after a beating, the police tossed him in jail for the weekend and Monday morning he was up in front of a judge who put 2 restraining orders on him. It was only then that I was finally able to escape him.

This would have been me too, only difference is my parents intervened, and the stalking started, and I ended up with the police telling me to take a chance going back to where I lived alone after I was attacked on the street, or spending the night in the cop shop.

There are very very few emergency services out of hours in this country to support victims of domestic violence.

Neyite

woodoo wrote: »

Why do people stay with an abusive partner. Makes no sense to me.

You get told often enough that you are fat, ugly, old, a horrible person, etc you start to believe it. My ex started off very gradual. I was confident and independent before it started. It was a gradual erosion of my self worth, until there was nothing left. You believe that YOU are the one that is causing all the issues in the relationship, because you get told so often.

I was lucky in that I had very little to take with me (lol, the fcuker smashed them all) but there are other women who get trapped into a financial poverty by their abuser, or they move miles and miles away from friends and family so they have nowhere to flee to, or there are children and you have no means to feed or shelter them. Then there is the very real fear that the partner will escalate the violence if they sense you plan to leave ( its one of the things that Womens Aid warn about) threaten to hurt or kill your children or you.

There was a chilling thread on Mumsnet of a woman who was at her wits end. She basically paid him rent in her house, gave him half her (uk) child tax credits and half the child benefit. She hadn't had a haircut for 3 years. She had kept her last £1 to pay for a toddler activity and he "borrowed" it. She had barely any food. And all the while he was berating her about what a useless mother and housekeeper she was, while standing in a new coat that cost him £300 when his kids needed shoes.

She got terrific advice from experienced posters and had made the initial contact with a shelter. You could nearly see it dawn on her as the thread went on, and she got braver and stronger. Then he started acting funny, took 2 weeks off work and hid the kids passports in the attic and she was too terrified to get them. She never returned to the thread, by the sounds of it he found her internet history or her user name. I hope she escaped with her children I really hope so.

canadianwoman

Stheno wrote: »

There are very very few emergency services out of hours in this country to support victims of domestic violence.

Where I live it is a little better then when I had to go through it (from 1983 to 86/7) but not as much as it could be.

Stheno

canadianwoman wrote: »

Where I live it is a little better then when I had to go through it (from 1983 to 86/7) but not as much as it could be.

Nothing changed here as far as I am aware, and it's a good twenty years ago sadly.

Shortly after I got out I had the chance to study film, and decided to a short docudrama on young victims of domestic violence, but there was very little information available on the breakdown of who suffers domestic violence and the demographics. I can understand data protection etc, but not even a breakdown of age/gender was available.

THe last my family and I heard of my ex (who was a very heavy drinker) was an emergency call from an a and e department, I believe he's dead now, and died at a very young age due to alcohol abuse.

Witchie

Neyite wrote: »

You get told often enough that you are fat, ugly, old, a horrible person, etc you start to believe it. My ex started off very gradual. I was confident and independent before it started. It was a gradual erosion of my self worth, until there was nothing left. You believe that YOU are the one that is causing all the issues in the relationship, because you get told so often.

This was a big part of my problem. About 3 months after my youngest was born, me with post natal depression and miserable in my marriage, I still was carrying a bit of weight. We were doing the grocery shopping one day and I picked up a packet of buns that I knew he liked to and said "will we get these" thinking it would keep him sweet. He said loudly "do you not think you are fat enough". I was so embarrassed. If he had known me at all he would have known that I hated those kind of buns anyway and he was the only one who would eat them.

About 2 years after I left him I met a guy I had known in my teens and he shocked me by saying "where is the real witchie, she's gone from your eyes, bring her back". I am not sure 14 and half years later if she is fully back yet and I have issues with my weight. I know its mainly down to the fact that its like a defence mechanism. I feel if am fat I will never attract someone who will abuse me again. If someone is attracted to me while I am this size then they must be ok. Warped logic I know and probably why I am alone.

FoxyVixen

Neyite wrote: »

You get told often enough that you are fat, ugly, old, a horrible person, etc you start to believe it. My ex started off very gradual. I was confident and independent before it started. It was a gradual erosion of my self worth, until there was nothing left:-X...............

My god that's put some chills through me !!!

And I commend every single woman and man who have shared their stories here. You've my utmost respect and are truly the definition of brave!!

I hope this thread reaches some of those now caught in situations similar to yours and find that bit of bravery to cut ties with their abuser