MRS "husbands name"

username123 · 12-12-2012 7:28pm

eviltwin wrote: »

I think it would annoy me if it was someone I knew, someone who knew my feelings on it.

Well of course because it genuinely doesnt bother me its easy for me to say I dont care what people think etc.... However, if someone I had some kind of mutually respectful friendship/relationship with someone who was constantly doing something that they knew annoyed me, Id be rethinking that friendship/relationship. I mean, I dont personally go out of my way to annoy my friends or loved ones, and Im sure you dont either, so I simply wouldnt accept it from someone to me.

I understand that obviously that can lead to awkwardness with in laws etc...but if my father in law continued, against my express wishes, to refer to me in a way that I did not want, Id be quick to put him in his place and correct him like he was a child, EVERY time. And Id be limiting my contact with him as well, because I just cant see how Id give a feck about someone who didnt respect me.

But I cant see myself having any kind of close relationship with someone who wants to annoy me repeatedly, so Im back to 'I dont really care what other people think'.

Hermione* · 12-12-2012 7:55pm

I do this when addressing my cards: I address them to Mr & Mrs Hisname Hissurname

It's what I was taught was the polite and correct way to do it. However, it's mostly for relatives and people whom I know get a thrill from being called by their hubby's name. For friends of mine who are younger, I tend to err on the side of caution and potentially incorrect etiquette, rather than offend. So for friends who have taken their husband's name, I write, 'hisname and hername theirsurname'. For friends who retain their surname, I address both individually.

I have no intention of changing my name if I get married and I would prefer never to be addressed as Mrs. That said, most of my relatives are much older, from a different era really, and I know they would consider themselves very rude if they addressed post to me by my maiden name and title. I would never take offence by them, or anyone else, not doing so.

Malari · 12-12-2012 8:07pm

I'm not married but recieved a card today addressed "Malari" & John Smith!

Doesn't bother me. They know I'm not married, just probably couldn't be bothered remembering my surname (7 years mind you...)

ash23 · 13-12-2012 12:38pm

You can't win I think.

We have a client in work and our stuff is addressed to Ms. Mary Smith. She regularly freaks about the suffix or sometimes about the lack of suffix if it's addressed to Mary Smith.

She regularly reminds us that she is a married woman, not a child. :rolleyes:

One sister changed to her married name. One has a double barrell and one changed to her married name and then back again to her maiden name.

I just address everything to them by their maiden names because I forget to use their married names. I've always known them by our surname so it doesn't come natural to me to use their married name.

I couldn't see myself ever getting worked up over whether someone used the correct name for me or the correct suffix etc.

The Mr & Mrs John Smith would bug me though.

Vojera · 13-12-2012 12:57pm

I think it's a bit of a generational thing as well. For example, if my mum is posting something to me she always writes "Miss Vojera Fofera", even though I'm in my late twenties (I've always been under the impression that Miss was for younger women, but I could be wrong). But friends my own age will just send things to "Vojera Fofera", without any honorifics, and if things are being sent to both my fiancée and I, they just write our first names and leave out our surnames altogether, whereas my mum would address it to "Miss Vojera Fofera & Miss Banana Fofana" (and my fiancée is early thirties).

(I was getting bored of Smiths!)

ABajaninCork · 13-12-2012 1:12pm

Miss is the correct form of address if you're unmarried or using your maiden name. You can use Ms. if you prefer.

I'm very strange when it comes to honorifics. Either you call me Miss ABC or you call me Mrs ABC. I can't STAND Ms. Lazy Americanised rubbish if you ask me which seems to be catching on here (more's the pity).

Cerulean Chicken · 13-12-2012 1:21pm

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Miss is the correct form of address if you're unmarried or using your maiden name. You can use Ms. if you prefer.

I'm very strange when it comes to honorifics. Either you call me Miss ABC or you call me Mrs ABC. I can't STAND Ms. Lazy Americanised rubbish if you ask me which seems to be catching on here (more's the pity).

Funny, I prefer Ms. over Miss.

eviltwin · 13-12-2012 1:23pm

Miss always makes me think of a child or an elderly spinster.

I prefer Ms too.

ash23 · 13-12-2012 1:23pm

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Miss is the correct form of address if you're unmarried or using your maiden name. You can use Ms. if you prefer.

I'm very strange when it comes to honorifics. Either you call me Miss ABC or you call me Mrs ABC. I can't STAND Ms. Lazy Americanised rubbish if you ask me which seems to be catching on here (more's the pity).

How is someone meant to know if you're married though.

And if they don't know, then using Miss or Mrs might cause offence so Ms. is the "safe" option.

ABajaninCork · 13-12-2012 1:24pm

ash23 wrote: »

How is someone meant to know if you're married though.

And if they don't know, then using Miss or Mrs might cause offence so Ms. is the "safe" option.

Then you just put the name or initial. Simple, and doesn't cause offence!

ash23 · 13-12-2012 1:27pm

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Then you just put the name or initial. Simple, and doesn't cause offence!

Ah but it does. Because then some people complain that it's not professional to not use something in a written letter.

I work in a company and we have had various complaints when we use Miss, Mrs., Ms. or nothing at all.
Eventually we just had to pick a format and stick with it because we couldn't keep everyone happy.

eviltwin · 13-12-2012 1:29pm

I always use Ms as a default in work if I don't know the correct form. If the woman wants it to be corrected to Miss or Mrs then she will let me know but I can count on one hand the amount of times thats happened.

ABajaninCork · 13-12-2012 1:31pm

ash23 wrote: »

Ah but it does. Because then some people complain that it's not professional to not use something in a written letter.

I work in a company and we have had various complaints when we use Miss, Mrs., Ms. or nothing at all.
Eventually we just had to pick a format and stick with it because we couldn't keep everyone happy.

Maybe so. Personally, I've never heard of that and I've worked for Multinationals. If people complain, then that's their prerogative. (Personally, I have better things to do with my time) I just happen to think using Ms. is tacky.

ash23 · 13-12-2012 1:36pm

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Maybe so. Personally, I've never heard of that and I've worked for Multinationals. If people complain, then that's their prerogative. (Personally, I have better things to do with my time) I just happen to think using Ms. is tacky.

It was someone who objected to us starting a letter "Dear Mary" instead of "Dear Ms. Smith". It's "unprofessional". We're being "overly familiar" and so on.

You can't win. You can't assume they are married or not and you can't assume it's ok to address them by their first name. So Ms. is the safest way.

I don't really see how it's tacky but each to their own.

ABajaninCork · 13-12-2012 2:10pm

ash23 wrote: »

I don't really see how it's tacky but each to their own.

Precisely.

seamus · 13-12-2012 2:15pm

I've always been under the impression that ettiquette dictates you use "Miss" when you know the woman is single, "Mrs" when you know she's not and "Ms." when you're unsure.

Which effectively means that "Ms." is always acceptable. I wasn't aware it was an americanisation.

Dolbert · 13-12-2012 2:31pm

I always use Ms for myself. It's nobody's business whether I'm married or not.

rainbow kirby · 13-12-2012 3:15pm

Dolbert wrote: »

I always use Ms for myself. It's nobody's business whether I'm married or not.

Same here - why should the title I use have to reflect my marital status, when men can use Mr and not have that reflect theirs?

Noticed that in France the title used seems to depend on age, was a little bit surprised to be Madame'd everywhere at 26...

Morag · 13-12-2012 4:39pm

Same in Germany, once you reach a certain age it's Frau.

coffee_cake · 13-12-2012 4:47pm

Morag wrote: »

Same in Germany, once you reach a certain age it's Frau.

It's always frau unless you're an older generation talking to young people

elbee · 13-12-2012 4:48pm

I live with my mother and we have the same initials and surname, so for a long time I put myself down on all forms as Miss A B Surname to differentiate from Mrs AB Surname at the same address.

I've stopped doing that now because I prefer Ms - if guys don't need to disclose their marital status for these purposes I don't see why women should.

CaraMay · 13-12-2012 4:49pm

I took that the op's main issue was thst people were deliberately addressing post to her, as a mrs, knowing it would annoy her. It's beyond me why it would annoy but the issue is that it's done deliberately.

As for everyone else, one person may be sticky about stuff like this and the next not so as long as you don't deliberately set out to annoy someone then they have no reason to complain.

coffee_cake · 13-12-2012 4:58pm

CaraMay wrote: »

I took that the op's main issue was thst people were deliberately addressing post to her, as a mrs, knowing it would annoy her. It's beyond me why it would annoy but the issue is that it's done deliberately. .

Her issue was explained later as being with addressed as "mrs john smith", not a problem with "mrs jane smith".

eviltwin · 13-12-2012 5:16pm

CaraMay wrote: »

I took that the op's main issue was thst people were deliberately addressing post to her, as a mrs, knowing it would annoy her. It's beyond me why it would annoy but the issue is that it's done deliberately.

.

Because its not her name! If you're going to go to the trouble of getting someone a card or whatever why not at least bother to address it correctly if you know the person's preferred name?

If you knew someone called Joesphine who preferred to be called Jo you'd probably refer to her as that. Why are surnames any different?

jaja321 · 13-12-2012 6:06pm

Personally I wouldn't like it.

Whenever I do send cards to couples, for example when they've had a baby or whatever – if the woman has taken her partner’s surname then I would address it to “woman’s first name” and “partner’s first name” followed by "taken surname" – if she hasn’t then it’s "her full name" and "his full name". I don’t use Mrs, Mr, Ms etc.

CaraMay · 13-12-2012 10:00pm

Ah ok I thought it was because she was called mrs smith

Lyaiera · 13-12-2012 10:50pm

Mary and John in the little blue house who put a new plant in the pot outside the front door every month because they can't look after it proper and keep killing it,
Townstreet,
Streetdown,
Leitrim

ash23 · 14-12-2012 10:34am

Usually if I'm sending a card I address it to the person I am closest too (my sister, my friend etc) and then inside the card I write "To Mary and John".

lazygal · 14-12-2012 2:38pm

It annoys me greatly to have any part of my husband's name used in place of mine, be it Mrs. Myname or Hisname and Hissurname. I think a lot of it is down to sheer laziness, I've just finished writing our cards and I always check what people go by. We also put return address labels on our post with both full names so there's really no excuse. I know some relatives do it to 'put me in my place' so to speak.

I also am really baffled as to the number of women my age (early 30s) who change their name. I couldn't imagine changing my name at this stage, and the hassle to change bank cards and ID. A lot trot out the 'kids having the same name' line or 'he'd be annoyed if I didn't take it'. Bizarre tradition. I'd have been worried if my husband even thought to suggest I change a name that has served me well all my life.

ResearchWill · 14-12-2012 2:44pm

Oryx wrote: »

I dont mind this kind of addressing: Mr and Mrs Smith. But I do object to the use of Mr and Mrs John Smith. You see it a lot with older folk and some old skool institutions. It used to be that upon marriage a woman became 'Mrs *husbands full name* but that isnt the case anymore and I hate to see it continue.

Mostly I see cards coming to my inlaws* addressed to 'Mary' and 'John' Smith. Which is fine.

*I dont do the whole cards thing, which gets me around the problem

The old view was that as long as Mr. John Smith's mother was still alive any of her daughter in laws are referred to as Mrs. John Smith, in fact if the mammy in laws mother in law is still alive she should be referred to as mrs. Husbands name smith.

My own view if a person accepts the archaic tradition of taking her husbands name then all that goes with that tradition survives.

MRS "husbands name"

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