MRS "husbands name"

ppink

Its that time of year again where the cards are rolling in and I am being referred to as Mrs "husbands name":rolleyes:.
Do women find this ok? It drives me mad for some reason, I think because it gives me no identity in my own right.
What do you think?

g'em

This time next year I'll be married, and I was wondering the exact same thing writing cards for recently married friends this year.

I intend to keep my name but I decided I couldn't be offended to be referred to as Mrs. Married Name. I can understand why it could be seen as irritating, but the way I reason it is that this is the way that I was taught to address a married couple and (at the time) it showed manners, so the sentiment is coming from a good place.

The Big Red Button

If I ever got married, I don't think I'd change my surname, but I wouldn't be upset or offended if I were referred to by my husband's name. It's an understandable mistake - the vast majority of women who get married still do take their husband's name.

Oryx

I dont mind this kind of addressing: Mr and Mrs Smith. But I do object to the use of Mr and Mrs John Smith. You see it a lot with older folk and some old skool institutions. It used to be that upon marriage a woman became 'Mrs *husbands full name* but that isnt the case anymore and I hate to see it continue.

Mostly I see cards coming to my inlaws* addressed to 'Mary' and 'John' Smith. Which is fine.

*I dont do the whole cards thing, which gets me around the problem

ppink

Just to be clear:o I am being referred to as Mrs "husbands first name" "husbands surname".

Edit Oryx put it better.Mr & Mrs John Smith!

Boombastic

A card just arrived addresed to john smith + mary. It annoyed me tbh. Surely his brother knows my second name after 12 years..

g'em

Equally I know of a girl who gets very offended when she's not referred to by her married name! I think it's quite a minefield out there, what is the right way to say it and what isn't, these threads come up quite often and you usually find lots of different opinions. There's a generational element to it as well. My Nana sent me a Christmas card with just my first name and his first name on it this year. Worked a treat

coffee_cake

I think "mr and mrs john smith" is very irritating yes, it would drive me up the wall.

eviltwin

That would drive me batty. Never an issue cause I have kept my name but I wouldn't like it. Its just lazy imo, how difficult is it to find out someones name?

Esterhase

I would also be pretty annoyed to not have my own name acknowledged in any way. I didn't know people still did that regularly - I would associate that form of address with older generations.

seamus

My wife is fine when stuff comes addressed to her with my surname. The "Mrs John Smith" thing really annoys her, but the only person who does it is a really old great-aunt, so she just lets it go.

Over the weekend a recently married girl said she was definitely taking her husband's name, but was insistent on having the "Ms" prefix, and got a bit thick when people were teasing her my saying "Mrs".

She's usually very easy going, maybe she was taking the piss.

So yes, it's a minefield. I think it would be wrong of someone to take offence to anything except "Mrs John Smith", or unless the person sending it should know better.

ncmc

It’s funny, as I just finished my Christmas cards and the only people I wrote Mr&Mrs John Smith were both sets of parents. I would never address a younger married couple like this, I would either say John & Mary Smith, John & Mary Smith & Family or The Smith Family. I took my husbands name, but still use my maiden name for a lot of things and I don’t like getting the Mr&Mrs John Smith letters, as someone says, it’s normally the older generation that do this. I also like to use Ms and never use Mrs, it’s no-ones damn business if I’m married or not and the the only Mrs ‘Insert my name here’ is his mother!

One tricky one I had this year was my sister, she kept her maiden name and her eldest son has her name, her younger kids are named after their father (her husband) so I never quite know what to write. I think this year I just wrote The Smith and Bloggs family, but I know she wouldn’t really care either way. I think people in situations like that understand that it’s a bit of a mine field!

krudler

Minefield, best avoided by not sending cards :pac:

Whispered

Wouldn't bother me either way. Mr and Mrs John Smith isn't intended to insult anybody, it's just an old fashioned way of addressing a couple.

The first time I received a letter in the post to Mr & Mrs John Smith I was delighted. Woo Hooo I'm married type of thing. It still makes me smile at times.

I can see why it could be perceived as annoying, but it really doesn't bother me.

Honey-ec

I didn't change my name when I got married. Every year, without fail, my sister sent our card to Mr. & Mrs. His Forename Surname, for the laugh.

miamee

I'm not married so I haven't thought too much about it but I have just realised that all the cards I sent to my older aunts and uncles were to, e.g. Mr. & Mr. J. Smith but to my married friends they were all to The Smith family. Well they all have kids so the cards are for everyone.

Two couples who are not married got ones from me addressed to e.g. John Smith & Jane Murphy but when you are writing a pile of cards you don't really have time to think about the intricacies of titles - well I didn't

I can see how being referred to as Mrs. John Smith might be annoying though.

Morag

Could be worse, I never married but the children have their father's surname and I get called Mrs X and get letters from the school to Mrs X and phone calls for Mrs X when the contact sheet bloody well has my name on it.

coffee_cake

Does "I'm sorry I don't know a mrs x, bye now" not work

LeeHoffmann

I always planned to keep my name as it was but, seeing as there are only 3 people in my husband´s family (including himself!), I added his name onto mine - i.e. I have both surnames. People refer to me by my old surname, his surname and both surnames together - none of which bother me. However, if anybody under the age of 70 referred to my as Mrs. John Smith (to use the example given) I´d find it inflammatory and deliberately offensive. Would I get my knickers in a twist over it? No but I´d find a way to offend them in an equally inconsequential manner. I´m petty like that

Penny Dreadful

I got married this year and kept my own name. Everyone on my side of the family and my friends are totally fine about this i.e. they couldn't be less interested in my name not changing.
My husband's family though (extended too) are quite put out that I am still Penny Dreadful as opposed to Mrs.XX YYY. We've gotten wedding cards address to Mr and Mrs XX. YYY and now the Christmas cards are coming in the same way. His cousins, some of whom have recently gotten married, have asked repeatedly why I haven't changed my name.
I find it rather annoying.

ppink

Well I am glad to see I am not the only one:). It is coming from one side of the family only.
I never really put a huge amount of thought into envelopes myself I have to say! I might even only put the one name on the envelope but refer to everyone in the family in the card, with most I put John & Jane Smith or the Smith Family. I dont ever refer to anyone as Mrs John Smith though......how would John Smith like to be referred to as Mr Jane Jones instead:pac:.

ABajaninCork

Personally, I don't care. I'm not too hung up about being addressed as Mrs John Brown.

I'm still the same person whatever name I'm called. I only use my married name here, but am still known by my maiden name at home. Most of my official docs are still in my maiden name. It's only our bank accounts and my passport that's in my married name. My husband still calls me by my maiden name.

Basically, I answer to all three. Just as long as it's not rude!!

username123

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Personally, I don't care. I'm not too hung up about being addressed as Mrs John Brown.

I'm still the same person whatever name I'm called. I only use my married name here, but am still known by my maiden name at home. Most of my official docs are still in my maiden name. It's only our bank accounts and my passport that's in my married name. My husband still calls me by my maiden name.

Basically, I answer to all three. Just as long as it's not rude!!

+1

So long as I know Im being referred to I couldnt really care less what people call me.

I use my single name and my married name interchangeably, I am the same person, a rose by any other name and all that.

I find it amusing the amount of people who get hung up on it. I suppose I dont identify terribly strongly with my name, I certainly dont feel it makes me "me". Sure I could have been called anything, its not like I had any control over it, so it would be silly of me to be over protective of it.

Cerulean Chicken

The week we got engaged we received a card addressed to John & "Cerulean Chicken" Smith, so his family were already referring to me by his name and I didn't even have the ring yet :pac: It was from his grandaunt, she said she didn't know my last name so just wrote it that way, gave us a bit of a giggle anyway. It doesn't bother me, but then around where we live I'm known to the entire town as "John Smith's girlfriend/fiancée/wife" (small towns eh), so being called by his name wouldn't be any worse.

eviltwin

username123 wrote: »

+1

So long as I know Im being referred to I couldnt really care less what people call me.

I use my single name and my married name interchangeably, I am the same person, a rose by any other name and all that.

I find it amusing the amount of people who get hung up on it. I suppose I dont identify terribly strongly with my name, I certainly dont feel it makes me "me". Sure I could have been called anything, its not like I had any control over it, so it would be silly of me to be over protective of it.

I would be okay with it as a one off but if the same person constantly did it I think I would have to say something to them, not sure I could rise above it.

I think its not so much the name as the fact that I would feel like I wasn't being seen as me anymore, more that I was being seen as X's wife and I wouldn't feel good about that.

I think it comes down to manners and respect. I know people can do it without thinking and that's fine but I want to be seen as an individual.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid to be honest.

username123

eviltwin wrote: »

....more that I was being seen as X's wife and I wouldn't feel good about that.

I dont mind being seen as X's wife. I mean, I am X's wife.

I know I am an individual (as well as being X's wife), so it doesnt matter to me what other people think - you know?

If someone was trying to annoy me by calling me Mrs X, well, theyd be a long time waiting on their satisfaction lol!

eviltwin

username123 wrote: »

I dont mind being seen as X's wife. I mean, I am X's wife.

I know I am an individual (as well as being X's wife), so it doesnt matter to me what other people think - you know?

If someone was trying to annoy me by calling me Mrs X, well, theyd be a long time waiting on their satisfaction lol!

I think it would annoy me if it was someone I knew, someone who knew my feelings on it. I don't mind if its someone who doesn't know me personally or who might assume I am Mrs X but from someone who should know better it would irritate me.

I remember once being introduced by my mother in law to her neighbour as X's girlfriend and Y's mother, fair play to him though he said "hello x's girlfriend and y's mother, thats an odd name"....mother in law admitted afterwards she never realised that everytime she introduced me to someone she never used my name.

g'em

eviltwin wrote:

I think it comes down to manners and respect. I know people can do it without thinking and that's fine but I want to be seen as an individual.

So if I addressed your Christmas card to Mrs. Husbands.name and it upset you would you tell me? That's a genuine question! The (very old school) manners that I was taught said that this was the way to address letters and its so ingrained in me I wouldn't think otherwise! obviously I'll rethink it now but were it not for someone telling me I'd be going around offending people every Christmas :pac:

eviltwin

g'em wrote: »

So if I addressed your Christmas card to Mrs. Husbands.name and it upset you would you tell me? That's a genuine question! The (very old school) manners that I was taught said that this was the way to address letters and its so ingrained in me I wouldn't think otherwise! obviously I'll rethink it now but were it not for someone telling me I'd be going around offending people every Christmas :pac:

If you knew me and you knew I was using my own name and you still did it I would. I wouldn't have a go or anything but I'd just mention it in a jokey kinda way. I would always make sure I know when someone gets married what her name is and address anything as such. I understand if you don't know somebody well its easy to get it wrong and thats fine but a sibling or a friend should at least be bothered to address an envelope correctly

miamee

Just remembered, for my two married friends with kids who kept their own name, I addressed the cards to The 'double-barrel' Family. Even though no one on the house has a double barrel name, lol. Both of the ladies' surnames went first

I'm sure neither of them will mind, they probably get cards addressed to all sorts of combinations.