MRS "husbands name"

ppink

Its that time of year again where the cards are rolling in and I am being referred to as Mrs "husbands name":rolleyes:.
Do women find this ok? It drives me mad for some reason, I think because it gives me no identity in my own right.
What do you think?

g'em

This time next year I'll be married, and I was wondering the exact same thing writing cards for recently married friends this year.

I intend to keep my name but I decided I couldn't be offended to be referred to as Mrs. Married Name. I can understand why it could be seen as irritating, but the way I reason it is that this is the way that I was taught to address a married couple and (at the time) it showed manners, so the sentiment is coming from a good place.

The Big Red Button

If I ever got married, I don't think I'd change my surname, but I wouldn't be upset or offended if I were referred to by my husband's name. It's an understandable mistake - the vast majority of women who get married still do take their husband's name.

Oryx

I dont mind this kind of addressing: Mr and Mrs Smith. But I do object to the use of Mr and Mrs John Smith. You see it a lot with older folk and some old skool institutions. It used to be that upon marriage a woman became 'Mrs *husbands full name* but that isnt the case anymore and I hate to see it continue.

Mostly I see cards coming to my inlaws* addressed to 'Mary' and 'John' Smith. Which is fine.

*I dont do the whole cards thing, which gets me around the problem

ppink

Just to be clear:o I am being referred to as Mrs "husbands first name" "husbands surname".

Edit Oryx put it better.Mr & Mrs John Smith!

Boombastic

A card just arrived addresed to john smith + mary. It annoyed me tbh. Surely his brother knows my second name after 12 years..

g'em

Equally I know of a girl who gets very offended when she's not referred to by her married name! I think it's quite a minefield out there, what is the right way to say it and what isn't, these threads come up quite often and you usually find lots of different opinions. There's a generational element to it as well. My Nana sent me a Christmas card with just my first name and his first name on it this year. Worked a treat

I think "mr and mrs john smith" is very irritating yes, it would drive me up the wall.

eviltwin

That would drive me batty. Never an issue cause I have kept my name but I wouldn't like it. Its just lazy imo, how difficult is it to find out someones name?

Esterhase

I would also be pretty annoyed to not have my own name acknowledged in any way. I didn't know people still did that regularly - I would associate that form of address with older generations.

seamus

My wife is fine when stuff comes addressed to her with my surname. The "Mrs John Smith" thing really annoys her, but the only person who does it is a really old great-aunt, so she just lets it go.

Over the weekend a recently married girl said she was definitely taking her husband's name, but was insistent on having the "Ms" prefix, and got a bit thick when people were teasing her my saying "Mrs".

She's usually very easy going, maybe she was taking the piss.

So yes, it's a minefield. I think it would be wrong of someone to take offence to anything except "Mrs John Smith", or unless the person sending it should know better.

ncmc

It’s funny, as I just finished my Christmas cards and the only people I wrote Mr&Mrs John Smith were both sets of parents. I would never address a younger married couple like this, I would either say John & Mary Smith, John & Mary Smith & Family or The Smith Family. I took my husbands name, but still use my maiden name for a lot of things and I don’t like getting the Mr&Mrs John Smith letters, as someone says, it’s normally the older generation that do this. I also like to use Ms and never use Mrs, it’s no-ones damn business if I’m married or not and the the only Mrs ‘Insert my name here’ is his mother!

One tricky one I had this year was my sister, she kept her maiden name and her eldest son has her name, her younger kids are named after their father (her husband) so I never quite know what to write. I think this year I just wrote The Smith and Bloggs family, but I know she wouldn’t really care either way. I think people in situations like that understand that it’s a bit of a mine field!

krudler

Minefield, best avoided by not sending cards :pac:

Whispered

Wouldn't bother me either way. Mr and Mrs John Smith isn't intended to insult anybody, it's just an old fashioned way of addressing a couple.

The first time I received a letter in the post to Mr & Mrs John Smith I was delighted. Woo Hooo I'm married type of thing. It still makes me smile at times.

I can see why it could be perceived as annoying, but it really doesn't bother me.

Honey-ec

I didn't change my name when I got married. Every year, without fail, my sister sent our card to Mr. & Mrs. His Forename Surname, for the laugh.

miamee

I'm not married so I haven't thought too much about it but I have just realised that all the cards I sent to my older aunts and uncles were to, e.g. Mr. & Mr. J. Smith but to my married friends they were all to The Smith family. Well they all have kids so the cards are for everyone.

Two couples who are not married got ones from me addressed to e.g. John Smith & Jane Murphy but when you are writing a pile of cards you don't really have time to think about the intricacies of titles - well I didn't

I can see how being referred to as Mrs. John Smith might be annoying though.

Morag

Could be worse, I never married but the children have their father's surname and I get called Mrs X and get letters from the school to Mrs X and phone calls for Mrs X when the contact sheet bloody well has my name on it.

Does "I'm sorry I don't know a mrs x, bye now" not work

LeeHoffmann

I always planned to keep my name as it was but, seeing as there are only 3 people in my husband´s family (including himself!), I added his name onto mine - i.e. I have both surnames. People refer to me by my old surname, his surname and both surnames together - none of which bother me. However, if anybody under the age of 70 referred to my as Mrs. John Smith (to use the example given) I´d find it inflammatory and deliberately offensive. Would I get my knickers in a twist over it? No but I´d find a way to offend them in an equally inconsequential manner. I´m petty like that

Penny Dreadful

I got married this year and kept my own name. Everyone on my side of the family and my friends are totally fine about this i.e. they couldn't be less interested in my name not changing.
My husband's family though (extended too) are quite put out that I am still Penny Dreadful as opposed to Mrs.XX YYY. We've gotten wedding cards address to Mr and Mrs XX. YYY and now the Christmas cards are coming in the same way. His cousins, some of whom have recently gotten married, have asked repeatedly why I haven't changed my name.
I find it rather annoying.

ppink

Well I am glad to see I am not the only one:). It is coming from one side of the family only.
I never really put a huge amount of thought into envelopes myself I have to say! I might even only put the one name on the envelope but refer to everyone in the family in the card, with most I put John & Jane Smith or the Smith Family. I dont ever refer to anyone as Mrs John Smith though......how would John Smith like to be referred to as Mr Jane Jones instead:pac:.

ABajaninCork

Personally, I don't care. I'm not too hung up about being addressed as Mrs John Brown.

I'm still the same person whatever name I'm called. I only use my married name here, but am still known by my maiden name at home. Most of my official docs are still in my maiden name. It's only our bank accounts and my passport that's in my married name. My husband still calls me by my maiden name.

Basically, I answer to all three. Just as long as it's not rude!!

username123

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Personally, I don't care. I'm not too hung up about being addressed as Mrs John Brown.

I'm still the same person whatever name I'm called. I only use my married name here, but am still known by my maiden name at home. Most of my official docs are still in my maiden name. It's only our bank accounts and my passport that's in my married name. My husband still calls me by my maiden name.

Basically, I answer to all three. Just as long as it's not rude!!

+1

So long as I know Im being referred to I couldnt really care less what people call me.

I use my single name and my married name interchangeably, I am the same person, a rose by any other name and all that.

I find it amusing the amount of people who get hung up on it. I suppose I dont identify terribly strongly with my name, I certainly dont feel it makes me "me". Sure I could have been called anything, its not like I had any control over it, so it would be silly of me to be over protective of it.

Cerulean Chicken

The week we got engaged we received a card addressed to John & "Cerulean Chicken" Smith, so his family were already referring to me by his name and I didn't even have the ring yet :pac: It was from his grandaunt, she said she didn't know my last name so just wrote it that way, gave us a bit of a giggle anyway. It doesn't bother me, but then around where we live I'm known to the entire town as "John Smith's girlfriend/fiancée/wife" (small towns eh), so being called by his name wouldn't be any worse.

eviltwin

username123 wrote: »

+1

So long as I know Im being referred to I couldnt really care less what people call me.

I use my single name and my married name interchangeably, I am the same person, a rose by any other name and all that.

I find it amusing the amount of people who get hung up on it. I suppose I dont identify terribly strongly with my name, I certainly dont feel it makes me "me". Sure I could have been called anything, its not like I had any control over it, so it would be silly of me to be over protective of it.

I would be okay with it as a one off but if the same person constantly did it I think I would have to say something to them, not sure I could rise above it.

I think its not so much the name as the fact that I would feel like I wasn't being seen as me anymore, more that I was being seen as X's wife and I wouldn't feel good about that.

I think it comes down to manners and respect. I know people can do it without thinking and that's fine but I want to be seen as an individual.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid to be honest.

username123

eviltwin wrote: »

....more that I was being seen as X's wife and I wouldn't feel good about that.

I dont mind being seen as X's wife. I mean, I am X's wife.

I know I am an individual (as well as being X's wife), so it doesnt matter to me what other people think - you know?

If someone was trying to annoy me by calling me Mrs X, well, theyd be a long time waiting on their satisfaction lol!

eviltwin

username123 wrote: »

I dont mind being seen as X's wife. I mean, I am X's wife.

I know I am an individual (as well as being X's wife), so it doesnt matter to me what other people think - you know?

If someone was trying to annoy me by calling me Mrs X, well, theyd be a long time waiting on their satisfaction lol!

I think it would annoy me if it was someone I knew, someone who knew my feelings on it. I don't mind if its someone who doesn't know me personally or who might assume I am Mrs X but from someone who should know better it would irritate me.

I remember once being introduced by my mother in law to her neighbour as X's girlfriend and Y's mother, fair play to him though he said "hello x's girlfriend and y's mother, thats an odd name"....mother in law admitted afterwards she never realised that everytime she introduced me to someone she never used my name.

g'em

eviltwin wrote:

I think it comes down to manners and respect. I know people can do it without thinking and that's fine but I want to be seen as an individual.

So if I addressed your Christmas card to Mrs. Husbands.name and it upset you would you tell me? That's a genuine question! The (very old school) manners that I was taught said that this was the way to address letters and its so ingrained in me I wouldn't think otherwise! obviously I'll rethink it now but were it not for someone telling me I'd be going around offending people every Christmas :pac:

eviltwin

g'em wrote: »

So if I addressed your Christmas card to Mrs. Husbands.name and it upset you would you tell me? That's a genuine question! The (very old school) manners that I was taught said that this was the way to address letters and its so ingrained in me I wouldn't think otherwise! obviously I'll rethink it now but were it not for someone telling me I'd be going around offending people every Christmas :pac:

If you knew me and you knew I was using my own name and you still did it I would. I wouldn't have a go or anything but I'd just mention it in a jokey kinda way. I would always make sure I know when someone gets married what her name is and address anything as such. I understand if you don't know somebody well its easy to get it wrong and thats fine but a sibling or a friend should at least be bothered to address an envelope correctly

miamee

Just remembered, for my two married friends with kids who kept their own name, I addressed the cards to The 'double-barrel' Family. Even though no one on the house has a double barrel name, lol. Both of the ladies' surnames went first

I'm sure neither of them will mind, they probably get cards addressed to all sorts of combinations.

username123

eviltwin wrote: »

I think it would annoy me if it was someone I knew, someone who knew my feelings on it.

Well of course because it genuinely doesnt bother me its easy for me to say I dont care what people think etc.... However, if someone I had some kind of mutually respectful friendship/relationship with someone who was constantly doing something that they knew annoyed me, Id be rethinking that friendship/relationship. I mean, I dont personally go out of my way to annoy my friends or loved ones, and Im sure you dont either, so I simply wouldnt accept it from someone to me.

I understand that obviously that can lead to awkwardness with in laws etc...but if my father in law continued, against my express wishes, to refer to me in a way that I did not want, Id be quick to put him in his place and correct him like he was a child, EVERY time. And Id be limiting my contact with him as well, because I just cant see how Id give a feck about someone who didnt respect me.

But I cant see myself having any kind of close relationship with someone who wants to annoy me repeatedly, so Im back to 'I dont really care what other people think'.

Hermione*

I do this when addressing my cards: I address them to Mr & Mrs Hisname Hissurname It's what I was taught was the polite and correct way to do it. However, it's mostly for relatives and people whom I know get a thrill from being called by their hubby's name. For friends of mine who are younger, I tend to err on the side of caution and potentially incorrect etiquette, rather than offend. So for friends who have taken their husband's name, I write, 'hisname and hername theirsurname'. For friends who retain their surname, I address both individually.

I have no intention of changing my name if I get married and I would prefer never to be addressed as Mrs. That said, most of my relatives are much older, from a different era really, and I know they would consider themselves very rude if they addressed post to me by my maiden name and title. I would never take offence by them, or anyone else, not doing so.

Malari

I'm not married but recieved a card today addressed "Malari" & John Smith! Doesn't bother me. They know I'm not married, just probably couldn't be bothered remembering my surname (7 years mind you...)

ash23

You can't win I think.

We have a client in work and our stuff is addressed to Ms. Mary Smith. She regularly freaks about the suffix or sometimes about the lack of suffix if it's addressed to Mary Smith.

She regularly reminds us that she is a married woman, not a child. :rolleyes:

One sister changed to her married name. One has a double barrell and one changed to her married name and then back again to her maiden name.

I just address everything to them by their maiden names because I forget to use their married names. I've always known them by our surname so it doesn't come natural to me to use their married name.

I couldn't see myself ever getting worked up over whether someone used the correct name for me or the correct suffix etc.

The Mr & Mrs John Smith would bug me though.

Vojera

I think it's a bit of a generational thing as well. For example, if my mum is posting something to me she always writes "Miss Vojera Fofera", even though I'm in my late twenties (I've always been under the impression that Miss was for younger women, but I could be wrong). But friends my own age will just send things to "Vojera Fofera", without any honorifics, and if things are being sent to both my fiancée and I, they just write our first names and leave out our surnames altogether, whereas my mum would address it to "Miss Vojera Fofera & Miss Banana Fofana" (and my fiancée is early thirties).

(I was getting bored of Smiths!)

ABajaninCork

Miss is the correct form of address if you're unmarried or using your maiden name. You can use Ms. if you prefer.

I'm very strange when it comes to honorifics. Either you call me Miss ABC or you call me Mrs ABC. I can't STAND Ms. Lazy Americanised rubbish if you ask me which seems to be catching on here (more's the pity).

Cerulean Chicken

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Miss is the correct form of address if you're unmarried or using your maiden name. You can use Ms. if you prefer.

I'm very strange when it comes to honorifics. Either you call me Miss ABC or you call me Mrs ABC. I can't STAND Ms. Lazy Americanised rubbish if you ask me which seems to be catching on here (more's the pity).

Funny, I prefer Ms. over Miss.

eviltwin

Miss always makes me think of a child or an elderly spinster. I prefer Ms too.

ash23

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Miss is the correct form of address if you're unmarried or using your maiden name. You can use Ms. if you prefer.

I'm very strange when it comes to honorifics. Either you call me Miss ABC or you call me Mrs ABC. I can't STAND Ms. Lazy Americanised rubbish if you ask me which seems to be catching on here (more's the pity).

How is someone meant to know if you're married though.

And if they don't know, then using Miss or Mrs might cause offence so Ms. is the "safe" option.

ABajaninCork

ash23 wrote: »

How is someone meant to know if you're married though.

And if they don't know, then using Miss or Mrs might cause offence so Ms. is the "safe" option.

Then you just put the name or initial. Simple, and doesn't cause offence!

ash23

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Then you just put the name or initial. Simple, and doesn't cause offence!

Ah but it does. Because then some people complain that it's not professional to not use something in a written letter.

I work in a company and we have had various complaints when we use Miss, Mrs., Ms. or nothing at all.
Eventually we just had to pick a format and stick with it because we couldn't keep everyone happy.

eviltwin

I always use Ms as a default in work if I don't know the correct form. If the woman wants it to be corrected to Miss or Mrs then she will let me know but I can count on one hand the amount of times thats happened.

ABajaninCork

ash23 wrote: »

Ah but it does. Because then some people complain that it's not professional to not use something in a written letter.

I work in a company and we have had various complaints when we use Miss, Mrs., Ms. or nothing at all.
Eventually we just had to pick a format and stick with it because we couldn't keep everyone happy.

Maybe so. Personally, I've never heard of that and I've worked for Multinationals. If people complain, then that's their prerogative. (Personally, I have better things to do with my time) I just happen to think using Ms. is tacky.

ash23

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Maybe so. Personally, I've never heard of that and I've worked for Multinationals. If people complain, then that's their prerogative. (Personally, I have better things to do with my time) I just happen to think using Ms. is tacky.

It was someone who objected to us starting a letter "Dear Mary" instead of "Dear Ms. Smith". It's "unprofessional". We're being "overly familiar" and so on.

You can't win. You can't assume they are married or not and you can't assume it's ok to address them by their first name. So Ms. is the safest way.

I don't really see how it's tacky but each to their own.

ABajaninCork

ash23 wrote: »

I don't really see how it's tacky but each to their own.

Precisely.

seamus

I've always been under the impression that ettiquette dictates you use "Miss" when you know the woman is single, "Mrs" when you know she's not and "Ms." when you're unsure.

Which effectively means that "Ms." is always acceptable. I wasn't aware it was an americanisation.

Dolbert

I always use Ms for myself. It's nobody's business whether I'm married or not.

rainbow kirby

Dolbert wrote: »

I always use Ms for myself. It's nobody's business whether I'm married or not.

Same here - why should the title I use have to reflect my marital status, when men can use Mr and not have that reflect theirs?

Noticed that in France the title used seems to depend on age, was a little bit surprised to be Madame'd everywhere at 26...

Morag

Same in Germany, once you reach a certain age it's Frau.

Morag

Morag wrote: »

Same in Germany, once you reach a certain age it's Frau.

It's always frau unless you're an older generation talking to young people