Reasons guests may have to avoid church weddings

Foggy.nelson wrote: »

I have no want to go to a mass, if it was a ceremony if have no problem being there to see the vows and wedding stuff but excuse me for not wanting to listen to the word of god, and it's not always as simple as go or don't go, sometimes u have to go for family etc

I'm an atheist and the way I see it is that my friends/family have chosen to celebrate their wedding in a particular way. I don't see it as me participating in a mass, if anything I just tune out for the prayers etc, and just listen to the important bits. I'm not being asked to actively participate in anything religious, just attend a wedding ceremony. I'd say the same if I had a friend of another faith who chose to get married in a mosque/synagogue, I wouldn't believe in that either but would still attend out of respect for my friend.

rainbowtrout wrote: »

That's fair enough, but staying away won't change the fact that your friends/family have chosen this way to celebrate their marriage. Vegans don't stay away from weddings because beef or salmon is on the menu and it goes against their beliefs that their friends eat meat. They just go for the veggie option. Not trying to belittle what you are saying, but attending is celebrating the couple's marriage, not a show of support for the catholic church.

I can see what he's getting at. I've been to 2 weddings where as the day went on it was very obvious that a guest (each someone from the bride's childhood) was having a reaction that could be described as a form of post traumatic stress. In both cases the guest in question was someone who was abused in that particular church and being in the building for the first time in over a decade was not something they were able to cope with despite thinking they could on the lead up to the day.

While I think people should have a church wedding if that is their preference it may be worth bearing in mind that for some people it's not as simple as 'live and let live' when it comes to being in a (particular) church. On the other hand I don't doubt that similar reactions can happen if someone is faced with a long avoided relative that they are avoiding for similar reasons. And it's not really the bride and groom's responsibility to know what secret trauma each and every guest might be carrying and magically know to avoid anything that might trigger bad memories.

Foggy.nelson wrote: »

Im more getting at how people who have been abused by the catholic church who might not want to be in the church. And even family members etc who might not want to be there

I have been there too. I have had friends abused and family members abused by a member of the church. But I know that not all people involved in a particular religion are responsible. In fact most of them aren't.
Get over yourself. Use your head and don't be looking to be offended.

I am not Catholic and I find the abuse suffered at the hands of religious leaders shocking.. However, I've gone to the weddings and funerals of family and friends at the Church. I'm not there or not-there to make a statement or otherwise, I'm simply showing support for the family who's grieving at a funeral and the couple when they're getting married. There's no need to take part in the ceremony at all. I sit at the back, I stand with everyone, I don't bother kneeling, I don't go up for communion, I shake hands for peace with ppl around me... I choose to do so, but I'm sure if I didn't and just sat they wouldn't be offended.
I have had no personal bad experience at the hands of the church, but if I had and didn't want to go, I'd simply not go to the ceremony, and not make a big deal about my friends choosing to marry in a church.
It's just as, if not more, selfish to expect them to forego their religious beliefs or upbringing for the sake of the atheists in their group of friends, as it is for them to expect abused people to sit through a ceremony in the church.

I'm sure if you didn't go they'd not even notice... there's already so many at the ceremony and no one's gonna remember who was or wasn't there. It's not like it's an intentional slight on their part. Yes, it generally would be a bit crass to miss the actual ceremony (the most important part of the day, in my opinion) and show up for dinner. However, as already pointed out by Iguana there are circumstances where this is understandable.

I'm not religious and when I'm invited to a church wedding of a Catholic friend, I will go along and sit & stand with the others (however I won't kneel or otherwise get involved). I find apart from the actual wedding vows bit, the whole thing is long and boring, though if my friends are Catholic and actually believe in it, I'm happy to support them.

However, I find myself getting a bit irritated when attending the church wedding of people I know never step foot inside a church and who don't actually believe in God, the religion or indeed don't really mean the vows they're saying (bringing up kids as catholic etc). It makes the whole thing a bit "charadey" and it makes the whole experience more of a chore, for me anyway. In situations like this the ceremony is my least favourite part of the day, whereas when I'm at a ceremony that's true to the people who are getting married (be that religious or civil) I would enjoy the ceremony part.

krankykitty wrote: »

However, I find myself getting a bit irritated when attending the church wedding of people I know never step foot inside a church and who don't actually believe in God, the religion or indeed don't really mean the vows they're saying (bringing up kids as catholic etc). It makes the whole thing a bit "charadey" and it makes the whole experience more of a chore, for me anyway. In situations like this the ceremony is my least favourite part of the day, whereas when I'm at a ceremony that's true to the people who are getting married (be that religious or civil) I would enjoy the ceremony part.

This wrecks my head too, and TBH I do judge such people for having a church wedding when I know the couple hasn't attended church. I've seen this with other denominations too though, not just Catholic couples. I find it really difficult to take a ceremony like that seriously, when most of such services have nothing to do with the couple getting married and more often than not are held in the church because its a nice building or their parents would be upset to not have a church wedding.

That said, I was one of the first of my friends to have a non church wedding and at least two other couples have decided to go the same route having seen how much more personal and meaningful our ceremony was, so at least some people have a bit of integrity.

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Then you must think I'm a terrible person, both my boyfriend and I are athiests but are having a church wedding because it means a lot to my mother and given how much she has sacrificed for me it is my 'wedding gift' for her.

We're paring back the ceromony to just the wedding rites, no mass, and a family friend is the priest so it will still be very meaningful for us I hope.

I still don't get it TBH. I presume your mother had a wedding? So why does she need to have a say in yours? And you make serious promises in a Catholic wedding, even without the mass, to raise children catholic and have a marriage based on its rules, such as no artificial contraception. Why would you and your partner, as atheists, start married life by telling lies and making promises you won't keep? Are you going to perpetuate your mother's control by christening any children you might have?

As nice as it is to take your mother's feelings into account, I still cannot understand how two adults wouldn't be able to marry in a manner more suitable for their beliefs or lack thereof, and instead choose to start married life in an institute they don't believe in. I'm sure the priest is a grand fella, but how could any ceremony that's in direct conflict with people who are atheist mean anything to you?

I've deleted the off topic postings. I made this thread for the discussion of why people may not want to attend church weddings. So many threads turn into this debate I thought it would be helpful to have a thread this debate can happen on instead of taking other threads off-topic.
If people want to discuss other religious ceremonies take it to the appropriate forums, this forum only deals with weddings and civil partnerships.

I think no one can judge how meaningful a ceremony is to someone. Most of my friends are not regular church goers, they've all had church weddings, whether for themselves or their families. I've always enjoyed attending them even if I don't fully take part, the hour didn't really drag and it looked very pretty.
One of our friends was atheist and said it to the priest so for the part of the ceremony that says that you promise to raise the kids Catholic, she said "he does" (about her partner)
They said they'd looked into having a civil ceremony but didn't want two separate ceremonies, registrar office and some humanist one after. They wanted one wedding, one ceremony and couldn't do this on the Saturday with the HSE registrar. Unfortunately having the standard church wedding was just a lot simpler.
None of us minded. Don't think anyone in our group had any strong feelings about being inside the Church building. Some of our Asian friends thought it was really interesting to see an Irish Church wedding. No one concentrated on judging as to why they were having their ceremony there etc...