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Wedding parasites: well-off guests who give no presents

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Comments

  • #62
    gimmick
    Closed Accounts Posts: 21,296 ✭✭✭✭gimmick


    Sea Filly wrote: »
    Maybe he didn't want to bring up that he couldn't afford a gift? Maybe that's why he got embarrassed?

    He told me at the wedding that was what he was going to do. If you cannot afford to do something, do not use a sly lie of saying you are doing something like donating to charity instead.

    He has form for being a tight ass. Skipped away from my stag without paying for his digs as well.


  • #63
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,535 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    Broxi_Bear_Eire wrote: »
    My daughter is getting married in October and while I get on really well with her other half I find some of his ideas strange.
    He in a discussion about the day stated that people should be grateful for the free meal I am afraid I got a bit ratty with him and pointed out that many of the guests were travelling a long distance and would have to stay in a hotel foe at least one night but probably two, some other would be taking time off work etc etc he had a real problem taking this in also he said he wasn't keen on a top table as he didn't want to be the centre of attraction at all at this point I lost it and told them bluntly if this as the way it was going to be to do us all a favour and either make it a very small wedding or just elope

    To be honest it's his and your daughter's wedding and not yours. If they don't want a top table that's their choice. I don't see what's wrong with not having a top table.


  • #64
    Broxi_Bear_Eire
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,704 ✭✭✭Broxi_Bear_Eire


    rainbowtrout wrote: »
    To be honest it's his and your daughter's wedding and not yours. If they don't want a top table that's their choice. I don't see what's wrong with not having a top table.

    Its the reasoning behind it and my daughter would like one if they don't want a fuss elope or have a very quite wedding. If they don't have a top table my speech will be given with my back to people I say thats ignorant. Its my opinion its a couple of hours out of his life he is happy enough to take my money towards the wedding


  • #65
    tinkerbell
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    Broxi_Bear_Eire wrote: »
    Its the reasoning behind it and my daughter would like one if they don't want a fuss elope or have a very quite wedding. If they don't have a top table my speech will be given with my back to people I say thats ignorant. Its my opinion its a couple of hours out of his life he is happy enough to take my money towards the wedding

    Good god, get off your high horse - he is the GROOM, not you. If he doesn't feel comfortable having a top table, then stop forcing your opinions down his throat. You are being selfish! Lots of people don't have top tables these days, in fact I think that round tables for all the guests are far nicer, top table is so old-fashioned and then the bride & groom are on display to all and sundry. And you don't have to give your speech with your back to people either, open your mind up to new ideas rather than having this tunnel vision of it's your way or the high way.


  • #66
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,132 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    Foggy.nelson wrote: »
    Im going to a wedding next month, I'm not working at the moment and my savings are gone on general bills and other stuff. I'm expected to get a present even tho I can't afford it, I've been told money will be grand. It's my other halves family, her parents said I don't need to(being nice) other half pressuring me to get one. I'd be just to go to the afters, as I'll be standing around like a tool while the family members do there stuff , also I'm being made go to the church which is something I'm against expecting guests to do in this day of age... Weddings make people selfish if u ask me

    Don't go to that wedding. Seriously. I do not know why the heck people go to events if they don't want to be there. If I can't afford to go somewhere I do not go. Simple as. And what's the issue with the ceremony? You want to skip the actual wedding part and just go for the food? Charming altogether.

    I think we can all agree that both of these two things are bad manners:
    1) expecting a gift at your wedding.
    2) not giving a gift for a wedding you attend.


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  • #67
    Broxi_Bear_Eire
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,704 ✭✭✭Broxi_Bear_Eire


    tinkerbell wrote: »
    Good god, get off your high horse - he is the GROOM, not you. If he doesn't feel comfortable having a top table, then stop forcing your opinions down his throat. You are being selfish! Lots of people don't have top tables these days, in fact I think that round tables for all the guests are far nicer, top table is so old-fashioned and then the bride & groom are on display to all and sundry. And you don't have to give your speech with your back to people either, open your mind up to new ideas rather than having this tunnel vision of it's your way or the high way.

    Where did I say anything about it HAVING to be my way I gave my opinion which I am entitled to do if he is happy to take my money then I can give my opinion. I could say if you think I am being selfish so is he. Your opinion matters not a jot as for a top table being so old fashioned I am a photographer and out of the last 50 weddings I have worked at ONE had no top table. Oh and how do you know I wont have to give my speech with my back to people have you seen there table plan


  • #68
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,535 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    Broxi_Bear_Eire wrote: »
    Where did I say anything about it HAVING to be my way I gave my opinion which I am entitled to do if he is happy to take my money then I can give my opinion. I could say if you think I am being selfish so is he. Your opinion matters not a jot as for a top table being so old fashioned I am a photographer and out of the last 50 weddings I have worked at ONE had no top table. Oh and how do you know I wont have to give my speech with my back to people have you seen there table plan

    You told them 'if this is the way it's going to be have a small wedding or elope' that is pretty much do it my way or don't bother at all. Giving a speech involves holding a microphone you can do that from anywhere in the room.


  • #69
    Broxi_Bear_Eire
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,704 ✭✭✭Broxi_Bear_Eire


    rainbowtrout wrote: »
    You told them 'if this is the way it's going to be have a small wedding or elope' that is pretty much do it my way or don't bother at all. Giving a speech involves holding a microphone you can do that from anywhere in the room.

    No I told them if they didn't want any fuss our to be the centre of attraction for a couple of hours they would be better having a small wedding or eloping its called an opinion. As for the speech but the most basic of manners again IMO mean I should be able to see the people I am speaking to Its the way I have always given speeches or ant public speaking and to be fair I won't change my mind about feeling uncomfortable doing it but no where have I said I won't


  • #70
    lazygal
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,644 ✭✭✭✭lazygal


    This is way off topic but we had no top table. Can't bear to see a row of people at the top of a room eating. Out of the weddings we've been to over the past three years, I'd say three had a top table, and they were very old fashioned venues. Most had a round table and sat with friends or their parents and siblings. We had our speeches during our drinks reception, casual as you like, mic passed around to each speaker, and everyone able to hear what was said.

    And if you're giving money to your daughter for her wedding, give it with good grace or not at all. Its more of a burden than a gift if you have to be obeyed. My FIL was the same, wanted to contribute but his cash came with conditions (e.g. doubling our guest list as he wanted all relatives asked) so we paid for our own day ourselves.


  • #71
    Broxi_Bear_Eire
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,704 ✭✭✭Broxi_Bear_Eire


    lazygal wrote: »
    This is way off topic but we had no top table. Can't bear to see a row of people at the top of a room eating. Out of the weddings we've been to over the past three years, I'd say three had a top table, and they were very old fashioned venues. Most had a round table and sat with friends or their parents and siblings. We had our speeches during our drinks reception, casual as you like, mic passed around to each speaker, and everyone able to hear what was said.

    And if you're giving money to your daughter for her wedding, give it with good grace or not at all. Its more of a burden than a gift if you have to be obeyed. My FIL was the same, wanted to contribute but his cash came with conditions (e.g. doubling our guest list as he wanted all relatives asked) so we paid for our own day ourselves.

    It seem people only read what they want I never said I had to be obeyed but I have the right to an opinion and gave them mine I never stipulated any conditions


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  • #72
    lazygal
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,644 ✭✭✭✭lazygal


    Broxi_Bear_Eire wrote: »
    It seem people only read what they want I never said I had to be obeyed but I have the right to an opinion and gave them mine I never stipulated any conditions

    "its a couple of hours out of his life he is happy enough to take my money towards the wedding"

    This really, really makes it sound like you do stipulate conditions. Why do you care what they do at the wedding if you're giving the money free and clear with no preferences?


  • #73
    TheTurk1972
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 150 ✭✭TheTurk1972


    I've been to a couple of weddings now where the happy couple stipulated that under no circumstances were the guests to buy them gifts.
    On the invitation it says that no gifts are to be given and that if you feel you want to give a gift then give to charity instead, but DO NOT BUY A GIFT for the couple.

    I thought this was rather impressive.
    They don't accept gifts. They make it clear that they don't want one.
    They know people might want to give, so give them an option.

    And its clear that its not a half-hearted, "well people don't have to buy us gift unless they really want to."

    I really hate the "oh, you don't have to buy me anything unless you cam afford or really want to" That is not refusing a gift. That's just pretending that you don't want a gift when you do.

    And since who donates what charity is never known, there is no back biting about how much each person gave.


  • #74
    Ellis Dee
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,510 ✭✭✭Ellis Dee


    Sea Filly wrote: »
    This is my dream wedding. :cool:

    May your dream be fulfilled.:):):)

    p.s. My wedding was in 1970, and we're still together.:D


  • #75
    iguana
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,909 ✭✭✭✭iguana


    I've split the posts about religious ceremonies into their own thread as they had gone very off topic.
    http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056705289


  • #76
    Merch
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,322 ✭✭✭Merch


    cruais wrote: »
    Having got married 1 year ago, many of our friends did not even give a card, this was including members of our wedding party.

    I'm not meaning to come across as selfish, but I think as a sign of manners, a guest should at least give a card.

    I would never dream of turning up to a wedding empty handed! I never even turn up to a house empty handed.

    Cant understand why a card is a big deal, they turned up, I'd have thought that is better than a card?
    Ellis Dee wrote: »
    I took a couple of hours off work to go to the City Hall in Helsinki for a 5-minute civil marriage ceremony. The only others present, besides the Deputy-Mayor who did the honours, were two witnesses, one Irish, the other Russian.:)

    That evening, all four of us had a nice meal in a restaurant and some decent wine.

    My wife and I paid. We didn't get any presents or expect them.

    The amount of money many people in Ireland spend on weddings is beyond ridiculous. It's their own business, of course, but there's no need for it and there shouldn't be so much social pressure on people to go through so much rigmarole. The money would be better spent on reducing their mortgage or buying consumer durables.:cool:

    I've been to only a few weddings, none have been like this.I find Irish weddings to be unusual, brides and grooms talking about people covering their costs?
    Broxi_Bear_Eire wrote: »
    Nope he has a very good job and I am paying for half the wedding ;)

    You seem pleased to do that??
    pwurple wrote: »
    Don't go to that wedding. Seriously. I do not know why the heck people go to events if they don't want to be there. If I can't afford to go somewhere I do not go. Simple as. And what's the issue with the ceremony? You want to skip the actual wedding part and just go for the food? Charming altogether.

    I think we can all agree that both of these two things are bad manners:
    1) expecting a gift at your wedding.
    2) not giving a gift for a wedding you attend.

    No, I'm sure most dont agree, 1 yes, 2 no. Surely you invite the people you wish to attend, not all and sundry to make a killing via favours/gifts.
    TheTurk1972 wrote: »
    I've been to a couple of weddings now where the happy couple stipulated that under no circumstances were the guests to buy them gifts.
    On the invitation it says that no gifts are to be given and that if you feel you want to give a gift then give to charity instead, but DO NOT BUY A GIFT for the couple.

    I thought this was rather impressive.
    They don't accept gifts. They make it clear that they don't want one.
    They know people might want to give, so give them an option.

    And its clear that its not a half-hearted, "well people don't have to buy us gift unless they really want to."

    I really hate the "oh, you don't have to buy me anything unless you cam afford or really want to" That is not refusing a gift. That's just pretending that you don't want a gift when you do.

    And since who donates what charity is never known, there is no back biting about how much each person gave.

    This is really what I wanted to say, I've been told it will cause confusion??
    We only want a few people to attend and have a meal.
    Money is tight for people where both are working, not to mention none plus dont want money wasted on "things", "things" which I dont know if i will want,need or even like.
    You hear of people inviting certain numbers to pay for the wedding or to get gifts,
    I cant understand this need for cards,gifts etc, it seems outdated and its like looking at children being dolled up to go to a communion.
    When people conspicuously spend or requiring money to be spent on them turns it into a circus.
    It should be a happy occasion without pretentiousness, surely?


  • #77
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,132 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    Merch wrote: »

    No, I'm sure most dont agree, 1 yes, 2 no. Surely you invite the people you wish to attend, not all and sundry to make a killing via favours/gifts.

    You misunderstand me maybe? There are two different roles. As someone inviting guests I would never expect a gift from anyone. When things are reversed, and I am a guest attending anything, i think it is nice to thank the host for looking after me. Either with a gift or a card. Two different roles entirely, inviter and invitee. (not even words but you know what I mean!)

    I cant understand this need for cards,gifts etc, it seems outdated

    Do manners get outdated? I hope not. You are absolutely right to not expect or want gifts for your wedding. Telling them their card is outdated may not be taken in the spirit you mean though.


    Edited to add... Mentioning gifts, or lack of gifts, or anything about gifts on an invite is a bit icky. Most people will ask you or your parents if you would like something. Just brief your parents on your wishes, and be ready with an answer yourself. That is all you have to do.


  • #78
    Merch
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,322 ✭✭✭Merch


    pwurple wrote: »
    You misunderstand me maybe? There are two different roles. As someone inviting guests I would never expect a gift from anyone. When things are reversed, and I am a guest attending anything, i think it is nice to thank the host for looking after me. Either with a gift or a card. Two different roles entirely, inviter and invitee. (not even words but you know what I mean!)

    Do manners get outdated? I hope not. You are absolutely right to not expect or want gifts for your wedding. Telling them their card is outdated may not be taken in the spirit you mean though.


    Edited to add... Mentioning gifts, or lack of gifts, or anything about gifts on an invite is a bit icky. Most people will ask you or your parents if you would like something. Just brief your parents on your wishes, and be ready with an answer yourself. That is all you have to do.

    Well, you said as an inviter you dont expect a gift, but as an invitee you do, thats contradictory to me.
    Manners aren't outdated, not much to do with it, if someone gives you a card fine,thats nice, thank them, but some posters are getting unhappy they are not offered one, sounds like bridezilla/groomzilla to me
    Its mannerly if an invitee replies promptly and turns up when they say, emergencies withstanding.

    Some people dont expect to have their parents do the work for them or anyone else, if two adults get married, they should deal with all this stuff themselves in my mind. If people get help doing stuff, fine, but not expect parents or anyone to take the responsibility, thats encroaching on primadonna territory to me.

    Brief your parents? hmm


  • #79
    Gatica
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,302 ✭✭✭Gatica


    Do you realise how many people actually broach the parents for gifting advise instead of the couple?
    Even people not invited to the wedding often decide to give something to the couple, e.g. neighbours, long distance relatives, friends of the parents... It's not trying to get the parents to "do work" for you, it's letting them know in case they are approached, which often happens.
    pwurple wrote: »
    You want to skip the actual wedding part and just go for the food? Charming altogether.

    I think we can all agree that both of these two things are bad manners:
    1) expecting a gift at your wedding.
    2) not giving a gift for a wedding you attend.

    I totally understand what you're saying. I also think it's rude to expect gifts as it is to be the one invited and turn up empty handed. It does not sound contradictory to me in the least, the main thing is to apply it to yourself depending on your role as guest or host, kind of like the "golden rule".


  • #80
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,132 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    Merch wrote: »
    some posters are getting unhappy they are not offered one, sounds like bridezilla/groomzilla to me
    Correct. It is rude to expect anything... As I have said, repeatedly. I don't know what other way I can say it. It is bad manners to expect gifts. 100% agree.
    Merch wrote: »
    Some people dont expect to have their parents do the work for them or anyone else, if two adults get married, they should deal with all this stuff themselves in my mind. If people get help doing stuff, fine, but not expect parents or anyone to take the responsibility, thats encroaching on primadonna territory to me.

    Nope. Basic courtesy towards your parents is not primadonna territory. People you invite who know your parents will usually ask them. It's not about expecting them to 'do the work'. It's letting them know what is going on, so they know your wishes, if asked. And they WILL be asked. By neighbours, family and friends.

    You don't realise yet maybe, even people you don't invite, people you barely know, will often still want to give something as congratulations because they know your parents.

    I'd tell your witnesses as well. I often ask a best man what the couple would like before I go to a wedding.


  • #81
    tatli_lokma
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,332 ✭✭✭tatli_lokma


    Broxi_Bear_Eire wrote: »
    Its my opinion its a couple of hours out of his life he is happy enough to take my money towards the wedding
    Broxi_Bear_Eire wrote: »
    Where did I say anything about it HAVING to be my way I gave my opinion which I am entitled to do if he is happy to take my money then I can give my opinion.
    Broxi_Bear_Eire wrote: »
    No I told them if they didn't want any fuss our to be the centre of attraction for a couple of hours they would be better having a small wedding or eloping its called an opinion. As for the speech but the most basic of manners again IMO mean I should be able to see the people I am speaking to Its the way I have always given speeches or ant public speaking and to be fair I won't change my mind about feeling uncomfortable doing it but no where have I said I won't
    Broxi_Bear_Eire wrote: »
    It seem people only read what they want I never said I had to be obeyed but I have the right to an opinion and gave them mine I never stipulated any conditions

    It seems to me you also could be accused of only seeing things your way. You have indeed stipulated conditions. Are you giving them money towards the wedding as a gift? if so, then give it graciously and then step out of it. It is their wedding, and their right as to what they do with your gift. You don't give gifts in other circumstances and insist on how it be used, do you? like give a picture frame as a gift and insist what photo goes in it and where it is placed? I assume not.

    You seem to have more than an 'opinion' IMO. You can voice an 'opinion', explain why you think what you think, of course. But after that, butt out. If the bride and groom agree with your opinion, great, if not, thats the end of it. Its their decision. But what you seem to be doing is throwing your toys out of the pram, and being snide when you say, well if you are not going to to it my way, then just elope.

    As for top tables - we had one. And to be honest I felt a little bit awkward. It wasn't so much the 'on show' thing, it was more that I was sitting facing everyone while I ate my dinner. A bit like sitting in a window seat in a restaurant and facing a busy street - I don't enjoy that, and being at the top table felt a bit the same. It feels a bit unnatural to sit at a table with no one directly in front of you. If I were to do it again I would have a centre round table, where the bridal party sit.

    As for speeches, how is it any different standing up at the top of the room, facing people and speaking, and standing at a point in the room where everyone can see you and speaking? the only difference is a table between you and the guests.

    And be honest, if they did elope, how would you feel about it? because if you were my MIL and being like this, I would be very tempted to do just what you suggest and elope. And then how would you hold it over them for years that you paid for half the wedding? ;)


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  • #82
    Gatica
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,302 ✭✭✭Gatica


    rainbowtrout wrote: »
    To be honest it's his and your daughter's wedding and not yours. If they don't want a top table that's their choice. I don't see what's wrong with not having a top table.
    lazygal wrote: »
    This is way off topic but we had no top table. Can't bear to see a row of people at the top of a room eating. Out of the weddings we've been to over the past three years, I'd say three had a top table, and they were very old fashioned venues. Most had a round table and sat with friends or their parents and siblings.
    Broxi_Bear_Eire wrote: »
    No I told them if they didn't want any fuss our to be the centre of attraction for a couple of hours they would be better having a small wedding or eloping its called an opinion.

    I completely agree with lazigal and rainbowtrout. I've been to a few weddings in the last few years and only one of them had a traditional top table. The last 3 I went to had a round table, ours will be a round table too. I don't wanna be sitting there like a monarch facing out onto "the masses" as they watch me eat my meal. That's not to say I wanna have a private 2 people elopement or tiny wedding.

    Broxi_Bear_Eire wrote: »
    Its the reasoning behind it and my daughter would like one if they don't want a fuss elope or have a very quite wedding. If they don't have a top table my speech will be given with my back to people I say thats ignorant. Its my opinion its a couple of hours out of his life he is happy enough to take my money towards the wedding
    tinkerbell wrote: »
    And you don't have to give your speech with your back to people either.

    I'm afraid tinkerbell is right.. If you think it's such bad manners to have your back to some guests, and I can understand why you think that, you don't have to stand at your chair, you may simply walk to behind the couple (which, I assume, is usually facing the whole of the room) and give you speech from there.
    Broxi_Bear_Eire wrote: »
    It seem people only read what they want I never said I had to be obeyed but I have the right to an opinion and gave them mine I never stipulated any conditions

    You may not have said you want to be "obeyed" but the way you are phrasing your opinions seems to give little room for your daughter and SIL to disagree with you.
    If you're chipping in for the wedding, that does not mean that you get to have a say in how it's spent. Either offer to help out financially and stay out of their business or keep your money and let them have the wedding they want, especially since he has a good job and can afford it anyway.
    You may not have meant to sound mumzillaish/dadzillaish but the way you've phrased your first post certainly comes across like "my way or the highway" as others have pointed out. Also, saying things such as "when they said they didn't wanna be the centre of attention", you just told them "why don't you just elope then", makes you sound childish, to borrow the expression "you're throwing your toys out of the prom"... It's not in the least supportive or considerate. You're the one that should be supportive of them, not the other way around.

    In my opinion it is far more selfish to expect someone to arrange their wedding around your opinions then for them to arrange their own wedding the way they wish. You're saying he should listen to your opinion because he's "happy to take your money". That sounds really bitter and not like someone who's giving in a loving and generous spirit. I think they should listen to your opinions anyway, simply cos you're family. Listen and consider is not the same as subsequently also doing as you've stipulated. And just because they've taken the money off you does not mean you get an automatic bigger say in their day...
    All you're thinking of is yourself and how you might have your back to some guests. How bout thinking of your children and how they'd like their wedding to be?? Haven't you already had your big day, why turn their big day into drama about you?


  • #83
    dinneenp
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,319 ✭✭✭dinneenp


    What one should do is send everyone else a thank you card expect the people who didnt' give a present.

    My friend's brother did that, the no present people said to them I never got a thank you card and he replied I never got a present. As it happened he did have one but it got lost somewhere on route to them...


  • #84
    Gatica
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,302 ✭✭✭Gatica


    ha ha... I see we're in agreement pwurple and Little Ted... I took too long replying :)


  • #85
    missyb
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 92 ✭✭missyb


    I dont understand why people care about getting gifts when you choose to have that day personally and choose to spend that money. I am saving for my wedding so I dont need other people to cover it with gifts,it turns my stomach the idea that a couple would expect their wedding to be covered by guests, have some class. If it turns out that we cant afford what we want (touch wood we both work at the moment) then we will be changing the wedding to suit our budget. Why on earth should people give a present, its very generous if they do, but why is it an obligation? have they not given up their time? I dont need a card to confirm that people care about my relationship and my wedding, if they attend it they must care somewhat about the couple, unless they are complete oddities who attend the weddings of people they couldnt care less about.

    That brings me to the other side of it is, I do not want anyone at my wedding who doesnt want to be there,. I have been very vocal about it, come and enjoy yourself by all means, but if its a chore have the sincerity to stay away, I dont want to be looking at sour faces on my wedding day. My partners aunt took me aside and said she didnt want to go to any part of the day outside of the ceremony part, and would be heading home after as she doesnt enjoy the reception part. I really respect her honesty, and dont mind at all, I especially respect that she had the decency and back bone to say it to my face so must better than her attending the whole thing and resenting it.


  • #86
    tatli_lokma
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,332 ✭✭✭tatli_lokma


    you are on my wavelength missyb!
    First off don't invite people you don't really want there, and if you are invited and don't want to be there, better you stay at home with your sour mush and/or bitchy comments!


  • #87
    Broxi_Bear_Eire
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,704 ✭✭✭Broxi_Bear_Eire


    Gatica wrote: »
    I completely agree with lazigal and rainbowtrout. I've been to a few weddings in the last few years and only one of them had a traditional top table. The last 3 I went to had a round table, ours will be a round table too. I don't wanna be sitting there like a monarch facing out onto "the masses" as they watch me eat my meal. That's not to say I wanna have a private 2 people elopement or tiny wedding.






    I'm afraid tinkerbell is right.. If you think it's such bad manners to have your back to some guests, and I can understand why you think that, you don't have to stand at your chair, you may simply walk to behind the couple (which, I assume, is usually facing the whole of the room) and give you speech from there.



    You may not have said you want to be "obeyed" but the way you are phrasing your opinions seems to give little room for your daughter and SIL to disagree with you.
    If you're chipping in for the wedding, that does not mean that you get to have a say in how it's spent. Either offer to help out financially and stay out of their business or keep your money and let them have the wedding they want, especially since he has a good job and can afford it anyway.
    You may not have meant to sound mumzillaish/dadzillaish but the way you've phrased your first post certainly comes across like "my way or the highway" as others have pointed out. Also, saying things such as "when they said they didn't wanna be the centre of attention", you just told them "why don't you just elope then", makes you sound childish, to borrow the expression "you're throwing your toys out of the prom"... It's not in the least supportive or considerate. You're the one that should be supportive of them, not the other way around.

    In my opinion it is far more selfish to expect someone to arrange their wedding around your opinions then for them to arrange their own wedding the way they wish. You're saying he should listen to your opinion because he's "happy to take your money". That sounds really bitter and not like someone who's giving in a loving and generous spirit. I think they should listen to your opinions anyway, simply cos you're family. Listen and consider is not the same as subsequently also doing as you've stipulated. And just because they've taken the money off you does not mean you get an automatic bigger say in their day...
    All you're thinking of is yourself and how you might have your back to some guests. How bout thinking of your children and how they'd like their wedding to be?? Haven't you already had your big day, why turn their big day into drama about you?

    Right lets finish this once and for all I have no gripe with my daughter or future son-in-law in fact we get on very well. As far as the money is concerned this was given to them freely months ago. As for me sharing my opinion with them they didn't mind why? because we are a very close family and if someone feels they disagree with whats happening they say so without falling out over it.
    I shared an opinion we talked about it and we moved on.


  • #88
    tatli_lokma
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,332 ✭✭✭tatli_lokma


    Broxi_Bear_Eire wrote: »
    I shared an opinion we talked about it and we moved on.

    really? then why is it still an issue to you? and don't say its not, because if you had genuinely moved on you would not have had it in the front of your mind when first posting:
    Broxi_Bear_Eire wrote:
    also he said he wasn't keen on a top table as he didn't want to be the centre of attraction at all at this point I lost it and told them bluntly if this as the way it was going to be to do us all a favour and either make it a very small wedding or just elope

    Losing it, and telling them to 'do us all a favour and elope' is not really talking about it...more like throwing a strop.

    Your post initially was on the point of your SIL-to-be thinking people should be glad of a free meal, and was relavent to the topic. But you then went on to bitch about them not having a top table, which was a bit off topic, and no real need to even mention it. So the issue of the top table must be still a stickling point for you.

    And if the money was given freely then why the need for several posts where you feel indignant that they have the neck to spend YOUR money how THEY choose. The minute you gave the money to them, it was no longer YOUR money, but yet you mentioned several times that you are entitled to your opinion because if they are happy to take your money, blah blah.

    You are entiteld to your opinion, what you are not entitled to is pushing your opinion on others.

    I think you should take your own advice and move on from this issue and stop fixating on the money issue. You need to go with the flow more.

    You are probably a very nice woman, a good mum and will be a fantastic mum-in-law. You are obviously generous if you are helping out financially, and you clearly want the best for your daughters big day, which is perhaps where this over-enthusiasm for thing being a certain way comes from. I also appreciate that on the web, something you think is a minor comment said in passing gets picked up by other readers and you feel attacked and defensive. But rather than feel so defensive, perhaps take an honest look at how your posts have portrayed you. Perhaps you are also presenting yourself in this way in 'real' life too, and your daughter and her fiance are just tolerating you to avoid a row. Tensions are bound to get fraught the closer you get to the wedding and if you continue to say things like 'do us all a favour and elope' then I would bet good money there will be some definite tears.

    Give your opinions by all means - but do it tactfully and respect the fact that at the end of the day, the bride and groom ultimately will make their own decisions. Any you are not keen on, just brush to one side, forget about them and go with the flow. You will be much more likely to enjoy the whole experience and day if you are not getting so fixated on minor things like top tables, who sits where etc.

    Best of luck to you, your daughter and her fiance.


  • #89
    Gatica
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,302 ✭✭✭Gatica


    +1 to Little Ted.
    Broxi_Bear_Eire wrote: »
    Right lets finish this once and for all I have no gripe with my daughter or future son-in-law in fact we get on very well. As far as the money is concerned this was given to them freely months ago. As for me sharing my opinion with them they didn't mind why? because we are a very close family and if someone feels they disagree with whats happening they say so without falling out over it.
    I shared an opinion we talked about it and we moved on.

    Glad to hear it.. It just hadn't come across that you'd left it from the numerous posts in this thread. In our family we argue things over, but once it's out in the open we get on with it and there's no hard feelings. If there were, we'd still be arguing. It's good to have things out in the open so there's no passive aggression creeping in and underhanded remarks...


  • #90
    waggs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 38 ✭waggs


    dinneenp wrote: »
    What one should do is send everyone else a thank you card expect the people who didnt' give a present.

    My friend's brother did that, the no present people said to them I never got a thank you card and he replied I never got a present. As it happened he did have one but it got lost somewhere on route to them...

    Just want to say I think this happens lots at weddings. I've been to a few where it wasn't clear where to leave a present or who to give it to and as a result presents were left in various places and even with hotel staff. I've learned from experience that it's better to send the present very early or very late (as in post honeymoon) as it's less likely to be mislaid. Hundreds of euro worth of presents went missing at my brothers wedding and it made it very difficult when writing thank you notes as he'd no idea what had been given.


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