Wedding parasites: well-off guests who give no presents

Seanchai

While talking about loads of things relating to their wedding, somebody has just been telling me about the sort of presents they got for their wedding. The bit that stands out for me is not the crap cheap presents, not the useful and thoughtful presents, not the useless presents and not the surprisingly generous presents from unlikely people. It's the people who attend a wedding and don't give any present. None at all. Not even attempting to cover the cost of their dinner. In the past two years I've heard of several people doing similar at weddings.

I'm not talking about the people who can't afford a present but who you know will get some (probably symbolically thoughtful but utterly useless) present down the road. No problem there. I'm talking about the people who put a huge emphasis on material acquisition and money-related things (and let everybody know about it) and just don't give a present for reasons best known to themselves. If I couldn't afford to go to a wedding I'd decline the invite and, if I could afford some present, I'd send money or something from their wedding list on. Attending a wedding and not covering the cost (or attempting to do so) of your attendance sounds like incredibly bad manners. Given these sort of people, it should become good manners to name mean people in your social circle.

/rant over.

What sort of wedding guests annoy you most?

i71jskz5xu42pb

If I invited somebody to my house for dinner I would not expect them to cover the costs of dinner.
If I ever go the wedding route I doubt it would be a traditional Irish wedding. All I'd expect people to do is enjoy the day.
The gift or otherwise should be up to the giver.
Apparently, it's not about the presents


I should point out that I've brought a gift any wedding I've ever gone to - but that was my choice

EricPraline

Seanchai wrote: »

Attending a wedding and not covering the cost (or attempting to do so) of your attendance sounds like incredibly bad manners.

I wouldn't have a high regard for kind of person who can't put the effort into at least providing a token gift, or make some kind of thoughtful gesture towards the bride and groom.

On the other hand, I would have thought that the crass Celtic Tiger "requirement" for a guest to cover the financial cost of their attendance was equally rude. The topic has been discussed ad infinitum in this forum. But, as others have said in the past, if you take that viewpoint then why not simply charge at the door?

helimachoptor

Getting married on Friday.. we've got quite a large amount of money of a friend of the MIL, I havent even met the lady!
A good couple friend of ours cant afford it so tbh the present they are giving us is spending the money to come to the wedding to stay and celebrate with us (yes cheesy!)

tbh starting your wedding thinking of making a profit/breakeven on the cash you get is not the way to go.

lazygal

We got really, really generous cheques and gifts from some distant relatives who didn't even come to our wedding. We got beautiful handmade cards from some who we knew were broke. I got a fabulous gift from a cousin of mine who went above and beyond the call of duty to attend. We loved each and every gift and card we got.

But there were a few people who didn't even give a card. I don't expect anyone to feel the need to 'pay for their plate' as the American saying goes. We wanted everyone to have a good time and put a lot of effort into having a nice day for our guests. Several friends of my husbands didn't even give a card, which I found a little hurtful. One really good friend of mine kept asking what I wanted, in the end also didn't even give a card. And perhaps most odd of all, none of our siblings, all of whom are in full time jobs, gave a card or gift. As my husband was pretty much told what to give his sibling when they married (a substantial gift costing over 1,000) we can't help but feel a little put out that our usual generosity wasn't reciprocated.

I don't want to sound greedy or that we expected others to fund our wedding. We saved and budgeted to have a day we could afford, without having to take out loans or imply we wanted cash. But to think some people didn't think they needed to bother getting a card still rankles a little, to be quite honest.

Seanchai

helimachoptor wrote: »

tbh starting your wedding thinking of making a profit/breakeven on the cash you get is not the way to go.

I don't believe anybody in the thread has even suggested this, never mind said it. If I were to call over to a friend's house at their invitation for dinner, it's common practice not to go "with your hands hanging". It could be a box of chocolates or flowers, but something - something - is always given as a sign of friendship. It's not merely etiquette, it's good manners. Attending a wedding and not bringing such a token is, among other things, bad breeding.

lazygal

Seanchai wrote: »

I don't believe anybody in the thread has even suggested this, never mind said it. If I were to call over to a friend's house at their invitation for dinner, it's common practice not to go "with your hands hanging". It could be a box of chocolates or flowers, but something - something - is always given as a sign of friendship. It's not merely etiquette, it's good manners. Attending a wedding and not bringing such a token is, among other things, bad breeding.

I have to agree. The people who didn't give a card never bring a bottle of wine or six pack or anything else when we have a party, so we really shouldn't be surprised, but given weddings are that little bit more formal we at least expected a card. I was brought up to know that you never go to anyone's house without a small token and you give a gift (within reason and your means) for events like birthdays, weddings, new baby etc. I don't think anyone can't stretch to a card, FFS I have a friend who's a student, stony broke, and made us a card with beautiful sentiments in it, its one of the most treasured gifts we got.

Sea Filly

"Wedding parasites", OP, really? This implies that people are going around trying to get invited to weddings or something, when in reality, many people see them as a costly chore. Even without factoring in a gift, weddings are expensive to attend.

Sleepy

Haven't had our day yet but based on friends weddings I've attended, I think the one that'll really annoy me (if it happens) is people who don't turn up after RSVP'ing to indicate that they'll be there.

I've no issue with someone not giving us a gift, I'd consider it bad form to do it myself but I understand the climate we're in and would prefer my friends to be there than to refuse the invite because they're skint... I will, however, be seriously pissed off if someone lets me pay for a meal they don't even eat because they didn't have the courtesy to call us and let us know that they can no longer make it. Fair enough if it's some kind of emergency involving a trip to a hospital etc. but otherwise? Disgusting manners.

helimachoptor

Seanchai wrote: »

I don't believe anybody in the thread has even suggested this, never mind said it. If I were to call over to a friend's house at their invitation for dinner, it's common practice not to go "with your hands hanging". It could be a box of chocolates or flowers, but something - something - is always given as a sign of friendship. It's not merely etiquette, it's good manners. Attending a wedding and not bringing such a token is, among other things, bad breeding.

You dont cover the cost of your dinner if you bring a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates..

LadyTBolt

It's gas to read about the varying degrees of wedding etiquette that stretches across our small Irish community when it comes to gifting at weddings.
I honestly feel its what is approporiate in your own social circle and there isn't a right or wrong way to approach wedding gifting.
I heard of a wedding recently whereby 50 of 100 couples invited did not give a gift. I was stunned, maybe others don't share the same opinion.
I have been invited to weddings in the past whereby I could not afford to give a gift so I didn't go however I am sure the couples would have been happy with a token gift or a card however it is not something I could do personally. If I can't afford it I won't go.
If I am invited to dinner at somebodys house I bring something and if I invite somebody to dinner at my house, although I would not invite people expecting a gift its a nice surpise when somebody gives something to me and I am very grateful. If I am invited to a birthday party I will not go without at least a card and a token present and likewise I would be extremely surprised and grateful if somebody came to my party and gave me a card or a gift. Which brings me on to weddings.
I could not go to a wedding and not give a gift, I just couldn't and if I couldn't then I would not go. However, if I learned an invited person did not come to my wedding because they could not afford it I would be very hurt and I would be upset to think they turned down an invite due to money problems. But I guess it's the society or different societies we live in and times are changing every day. There is no right way and there is no wrong way; to gift or not to gift - it all depends really, doesn't it?:)

Moonbeam

I love getting presents but I am inviting people to the big wedding because I want them there ,I do not expect presents from any of them and will not be put out if they do not give me any.
I do not understand why you would invite people just for the presents.

Einhard

I think that it shows a lack of thoughtfulness and courtesy to attend a wedding and not make any attempt at providing a gift, even a token of one's respect and friendship. I understand why a bride or groom might be somewhat hurt when people turn up completely empty-hended. The giving of gifts has long played a great role in friendships across all cultures, and to decline to do so at a wedding is somewhat crass IMO. It's not about covering the cost of the event, or paying for one's dinner, but rather a token of one's esteem and friendship. I've been at two weddings over the past few months, and I couldn't afford a gift for either, but I put a little aside over the past few weeks and bought small tokens for both couples. I know of a friend who doesn't have the means to buy gifts, so he draws beautiful cards for the couple, while another simply mounted photos of the bride and groom in a nice, inexpensive frame. Neither of those are expernsive, and yet in terms of expressing esteem and they work just as well as cash gifts. So, IMO, there's really no excuse for failing to provide some token to the bride and groom.

super_furry

Honest question - would people rather that their guests not come than turn up empty handed? Weddings can be a huge cost on guests even without factoring in a gift.

Einhard

super_furry wrote: »

Honest question - would people rather that their guests not come than turn up empty handed? Weddings can be a huge cost on guests even without factoring in a gift.

That's true, but a token needn't cost much at all. People are assuming that the OP was talking about expensive gifts, when I don't think that's the case.

Sleepy

I think it'd be a pretty materialistic person that would prefer a guest not to come than to arrive empty handed.

We've invited some friends to the wedding that we know are very strapped for cash at the moment so we've purposely done everything we can afford to in order to keep the day as cheap as possible (no corkage so we'll be providing lots of wine for meal, it's a cheap hotel a short travel for most of our guests that's well covered by bus and train, we're including a list of B&B's (and even a hostel) nearby, no change of venues required)). I know the other half will be disappointed if there's no card from people attending but, what's a card cost? €2 / €3?

Sea Filly

Einhard wrote: »

That's true, but a token needn't cost much at all. People are assuming that the OP was talking about expensive gifts, when I don't think that's the case.

He mentioned attempting to cover your plate (an aborrent idea) a number of times, meaning at least 40 or 50 euro is expected. For some, this is alot. You mentioned putting by money for a gift. Honestly, why should anyone have to do that? I agree with you that token gifts should be given. A friend of mine received a framed picture of her and her husband the night they met from a friend. That is a perfect token gift.

Theboinkmaster

Dexter Miniature Pinball wrote: »

If I invited somebody to my house for dinner I would not expect them to cover the costs of dinner.

Yeah but I'd expect them to bring a bottle of wine, otherwise that's just rude IMO.

Einhard

Sea Filly wrote: »

He mentioned attempting to cover your plate (an aborrent idea) a number of times, meaning at least 40 or 50 euro is expected. For some, this is alot. You mentioned putting by money for a gift. Honestly, why should anyone have to do that? I agree with you that token gifts should be given. A friend of mine received a framed picture of her and her husband the night they met from a friend. That is a perfect token gift.

Yeah, you're right about covering the cost of the wedding- I wouldn't agree with that type of expectation at all. As for my own putting aside some money, I did so because I wanted to, and because I could- I wasn't prescribing it for everyone. I just think it's pretty bad form to attend a wedding and not provide some gift- whether that is cash, the ubiquitous toaster, or a simple token of esteem and affection.

UDP

Wow, there really are plenty of people out that cannot put their sense of entitlement aside even for their own wedding day.

Do people not realise how much it costs to go to someone's wedding?
e.g.
150 for hotel room
40+ for drinks etc
Petrol Varies but can easily be 20-60+ return
So thats probably at least €250 starting off.
Thats not even to mention any costs of clothes or female beauty stuff (tan etc) if someone is so inclined.
Then there are those like on this thread that want their €150 too?
So all in you are looking at least €500 for a couple to go to someone's wedding.
That's not cheap.

Also with regards getting a card. Why would I bother getting you a card? I was at your wedding, I spoke to you and had a good time with you there? What difference does a card make?

I would get a card for someone to send them a personal note if I did not get to see them to say what I wanted to say in person but if I am at your wedding I have the opportunity to say what I want to say to your face.

Then there also is the issue, that someone who cannot afford a gift doesn't give a card as it highlights that they did not give a gift and they probably wouldn't know what to say on the card - do they write that they could not afford one and apologies? I'd say that's the reason for most if not all the occasions where a gift was not given also.

I hope those who will be getting married at the weddings I am invited to do not have such a sense of entitlement because I would rather not be invited to them at all.

Our wedding ceremony will be costed in such a way that we can afford to pay for it ourselves. If some people wish to give a gift that is there prerogative but the invitation will say that gifts are not necessary.

UDP

Theboinkmaster wrote: »

Yeah but I'd expect them to bring a bottle of wine, otherwise that's just rude IMO.

Then don't invite people or tell them you want them to bring something. What's rude is inviting people to a dinner then bitching about them behind their backs for not bringing something to quell your sense of entitlement.

Minier81

Seanchai wrote: »

I'm not talking about the people who can't afford a present but who you know will get some (probably symbolically thoughtful but utterly useless) present down the road. No problem there. I'm talking about the people who put a huge emphasis on material acquisition and money-related things (and let everybody know about it) and just don't give a present for reasons best known to themselves.

Guys in all fairness the OP very clearly stated that they are not talking about people who cannot afford present, but people who are flash with their cash.

Nobody would expect a friend or family member who is struggling financially to give a big present, and a token card or something small (photo frame /whatever) is a nice gesture here. Speaking as somebody who can afford to give present, I would consider myself very rude to not give one.
Alot of the other "costs" associated with going to wedding I would consider optional - hotel overnight, hairdo, new dress

loveisdivine

It would seem my opinion is in the minority.

I dont care about cards, I think they are a waste of paper and end up going in the bin. I dont really care about presents, sure its lovely to get gifts, but I'm not going to whine about people behind their backs if they dont give me one, or if they didnt spend enough money on one.
I think these etiquette rules created by society and social circles are a load of rubbish. Nobody decides whats acceptable for you, only you can do that and anybody that complains about what you decide to give needs to take a good look at themselves in the mirror.

I have invited people to my wedding as guests, its not a ticketed event. I am not trying to recoup any costs from my guests.

Any token gifts we receive will be greatly appreciated. But to be honest, when I open a card containing €200+ from a neighbour (which I have been told will happen) I will probably feel uncomfortable accepting such a large amount of cash.

Oh and maybe these "well off" people are well off because they dont go round splashing hundreds of euro at every wedding their invited too.

tatli_lokma

Minier81 wrote: »

Guys in all fairness the OP very clearly stated that they are not talking about people who cannot afford present, but people who are flash with their cash.

what constitues flash with cash? for some people two incomes in the home would be 'flash' in this day and age.

I agree, it is polite and thoughtful to give at least a token gift, and I would personally never go to a wedding, party, or even a cuppa with a mate with one arm longer than the other. However, equally it is rude and impolite to then judge people based upon what they give or don't give. You should be having too much fun on your wedding day to notice such things, and on such a high in the weeks after to even care.

We had a mate, loaded beyond belief, didn't even give a card. My personal view on it was that he did plan on giving something, but maybe ran out of money on the day and rather than pop to the cash machine across the road, opened the card and spent the money. He then probably thought he couldn't give a card without something in it, so ditched the card. And he was so drunk that night he probably forgot all about it. We just laughed at it. So what! he had a good time, that is the main thing! I'd rather he spent the gift on a few jars and had the craic than left early. I'll remember his having fun long after I would remember what was on a card (he's not the sentimental type! lol)

Yes it is rude not to give something, but so what? people can be idiots. If you really like someone and want them at your wedding, surely you want them there, present or no? and if you only kinda like them, and would be prepared to bitch about them behind their back afterwards because of the quality of their present, or lack thereof, should you have even invited them in the first place?

Its rude not to give a present or card, but it is equally rude to make an issue of there being no present or card.

evilmonkee

Minier81 wrote: »

Alot of the other "costs" associated with going to wedding I would consider optional - hotel overnight, hairdo, new dress

I completely agree, some things that people consider "necessary" is insane.

When my OH's sister got married, we managed to avoid the vast majority of so called necessary costs!

1. We stayed in his mothers, if this was not possible we would have driven home. (petrol would have cost less than a room)

2. I did my own hair and make up.

3. I wore a dress which was purchased for a friends wedding.

4. We split the price of a mini-van with other guests when leaving the venue.

5. We gave OH's brother a lift to the wedding, splitting the fuel costs to drive cross country.

6. We gave a gift from OH, me and his mother. This meant that the cost was lower each and we could purchase a nicer gift from all three of us than we could afford individually.

7. We don't really drink, I was on antibiotics at the time anyway, but OH likely had 2pints. Seriously saved a few bob.

Theboinkmaster

UDP wrote: »

Then don't invite people or tell them you want them to bring something. What's rude is inviting people to a dinner then bitching about them behind their backs for not bringing something to quell your sense of entitlement.

Nothing to do with entitlement - I've never gone over to someone's house and they've cooked for us, without at least 1 bottle of wine. And nobody has ever come over to us with nothing. A bottle of wine doesn't cover the costs of alcohol, food etc you're providing nor the time spent preparing dinner.

It's just good manners and if you can't see that you're a complete pikey and you're the one with a sense of entitlement - go over to people's houses with your hands hanging? Pikey.

UDP

Theboinkmaster wrote: »

Nothing to do with entitlement - I've never gone over to someone's house and they've cooked for us, without at least 1 bottle of wine. And nobody has ever come over to us with nothing. A bottle of wine doesn't cover the costs of alcohol, food etc you're providing nor the time spent preparing dinner.

It's just good manners and if you can't see that you're a complete pikey and you're the one with a sense of entitlement - go over to people's houses with your hands hanging? Pikey.

It might be a nice thing to do but its not rude if someone doesn't and no I am not a pikey so no need for that personal abuse.

Whenever I have friends over for dinner some people brought stuff others didn't. I never once batted an eye-lid either way since I am inviting them to my home for dinner. I chose to invite them for dinner thus accepted all the associated costs of money and time - they didn't ask to be invited so why would I judge them as rude for not paying some of their way or considering them to be pikeys - what rude hosts some people are.

I will always where possible bring something but I would never consider someone who didn't rude since I don't have a sense of entitlement.

tatli_lokma

Theboinkmaster wrote: »

It's just good manners and if you can't see that you're a complete **** and you're the one with a sense of entitlement - go over to people's houses with your hands hanging? ****.

for someone who is concerned about good manners, you're choice of language says otherwise. There is no need for racist language.

Theboinkmaster

Little Ted wrote: »

There is no need for racist language.

Pikey is hardly racist now, relax :P

Theboinkmaster

UDP wrote: »

It might be a nice thing to do but its not rude if someone doesn't and no I am not a pikey so no need for that personal abuse.

Whenever I have friends over for dinner some people brought stuff others didn't. I never once batted an eye-lid either way since I am inviting them to my home for dinner. I chose to invite them for dinner thus accepted all the associated costs of money and time - they didn't ask to be invited so why would I judge them as rude for not paying some of their way or considering them to be pikeys - what rude hosts some people are.

I will always where possible bring something but I would never consider someone who didn't rude since I don't have a sense of entitlement.

By not bringing something over you have a sense of entitlement, in my opinion. And thus relating to weddings, anyone who goes to one without at least a card or some token i believe is rude (and yeah a bit of a pikey).

tatli_lokma

Theboinkmaster wrote: »

***** is hardly racist now, relax :P

actually it is....it is a derrogatory term for a member of the travelling community, and therefore it is racist. I'm sure you can make your point without resorting to offensive language.

Minier81

Little Ted wrote: »

what constitues flash with cash? for some people two incomes in the home would be 'flash' in this day and age.

Fair enough, "flash" is different things to different people. I would examples are people who always stay in the wedding hotel, people with every gadget under the sun (fancy phones, ipads, etc and all of the above), girls who get their tan / hair / make up / manicure done / new dress for every wedding they go to. OP called them "people who put a huge emphasis on material acquisition and money-related things" Nothing wrong with having a bit of money, but these are people who can afford more treats than most and I would find it rich for them to say they could not afford a present. Of course everyone shoudl treat themselves every so often. I wouldn't consider myself flash with cash, but am in a two income family, and do treat myself every so often - and can afford to give my friends a wedding present.

I am getting married soon, and have expressly told my sisters not to give me big presents because I know they are struggling. One of them is making me a chocolate biscuit cake for the wedding, which will be much appreciated and is a really thoughtful gift.

tatli_lokma

Minier81 wrote: »

I would find it rich for them to say they could not afford a present.

the point I am making is why does it matter? if these people's lavish lifestyle somehow offends you then why invite them? if you are inviting them because you genuinely enjoy their company and value their friendship, then why would you care if you got a gift or not?

As I say, not givng a gift would make me feel rude and embarrassed. I can't imagine not giving one. However, I still think it is just as rude to pass comment on people and bitch about them for not giving a gift.

Minier81

Little Ted wrote: »

the point I am making is why does it matter? if these people's lavish lifestyle somehow offends you then why invite them? if you are inviting them because you genuinely enjoy their company and value their friendship, then why would you care if you got a gift or not?

As I say, not giving a gift would make me feel rude and embarrassed. I can't imagine not giving one. However, I still think it is just as rude to pass comment on people and bitch about them for not giving a gift.

+1 on that, and I will only be inviting good friends and people close to me to my wedding.

I suppose it doesn't matter. A pet peeve of mine is "putting on a poor mouth" - and this extends far beyond weddings. If soembody can't be bothered giving a present, it is their choice. There is a distinct difference between not giving a present because they cannot afford it and somebody with plenty of money chosing not to. The point I was making was to trying highlight it is these people the OP was talking about - rather than people who cannot afford to give presents.

brownej

Hi OP,
you shouldn't be letting things like this get to you. The world is full of tight wads. Those who cite the cost of petrol or the cost of a new dress etc etc as the reason they don't give even a token gift or card are usually just tight. These are the same people that are in the loo when its their round or whip out a calculator in a restaurant to make sure they don't get caught for a penny more than required. If you're inviting them you know should really know who they are already and there should be no surprises.

If you are genuinely surprised at someone not giving a card or gift it could be because the card went misssing. It does happen. They could be sitting at home thinking you're a right so and so for not thanking them for their gift.
As has already been said some people genuinely can't afford a gift and might be embarassed to give you a card and no gift.

norrie rugger

Sea Filly wrote: »

"Wedding parasites", OP, really? This implies that people are going around trying to get invited to weddings or something, when in reality, many people see them as a costly chore. Even without factoring in a gift, weddings are expensive to attend.

Then do not go

Theboinkmaster

Little Ted wrote: »

actually it is....it is a derrogatory term for a member of the travelling community, and therefore it is racist. I'm sure you can make your point without resorting to offensive language.

I used it to describe someone who is tight, get off your high horse there and chill.

norrie rugger

are travellers even considered a race? if not then it can not be racist. Bigotted yes, racist no.

Sleepy

Pavee Point and other traveller's groups have been trying to claim they're a distinct race for a while now to allow them to use the "Racism" card when members of their community are pulled up on their bad behaviour.

i71jskz5xu42pb

Sleepy wrote: »

Pavee Point and other traveller's groups have been trying to claim they're a distinct race for a while now to allow them to use the "Racism" card when members of their community are pulled up on their bad behaviour.

Oh sweet Jesus, is this going to turn into a traveler thread?

Half my family didn't bother with gifts when I got married, my wife's family who are not as well off and many of whom are a lot younger went out of their way.

My family are just plain lazy though - no real malice, they just aren't that bothered.

I don't think you should expect gifts at a wedding, they should be a bonus.

What I came here to say however is unless you know the people really well and know that something you are getting them is something they really need - give money. Most people aren't too flush after a wedding and it's a nice little boost to get you on your way.

iguana

Any more derogatory terms or offensive language will result in bans.

Monife

A close friend of mine (and her partner) came to my wedding with no present or card. Now, I don't care about presents, money etc but how much does a card cost? I am still quite annoyed that she didn't give a card, I find those things important, a nice card with a nice message in it, mean so much more than cash/present and is something you can keep in your memory box forever. I had quite a small wedding, so I have kept all the cards we received. On the other hand, a distant relative who we didn't even invite to the wedding (it was just immediate family and friends), sent us a cheque for €500 which was just out of this world, never expected anything like that!

u_c_thesecond

I am a soon to be bride, we have been saving for years for this wedding.We dont care at all about presents- monetry or otherwise. A friend of my fiance said the other day he was throwing 200 euro in a card for us.... as well as being incredible generous - its downright nuts:eek:

Come to the wedding, enjoy the meal and the free wine, dance the night away and have a good time.Thats all we want.

On another note- my cousin got married a few months ago, invites went out and inside the envelope was a note saying they would like cash gifts of 100euro upwards:eek:

I know 10 people who rsvpd no just because of that

cruais

Having got married 1 year ago, many of our friends did not even give a card, this was including members of our wedding party.

I'm not meaning to come across as selfish, but I think as a sign of manners, a guest should at least give a card.

I would never dream of turning up to a wedding empty handed! I never even turn up to a house empty handed.

Foggy.nelson

Im going to a wedding next month, I'm not working at the moment and my savings are gone on general bills and other stuff. I'm expected to get a present even tho I can't afford it, I've been told money will be grand. It's my other halves family, her parents said I don't need to(being nice) other half pressuring me to get one. I'd be just to go to the afters, as I'll be standing around like a tool while the family members do there stuff , also I'm being made go to the church which is something I'm against expecting guests to do in this day of age... Weddings make people selfish if u ask me

UDP

cruais wrote: »

Having got married 1 year ago, many of our friends did not even give a card, this was including members of our wedding party.

I'm not meaning to come across as selfish, but I think as a sign of manners, a guest should at least give a card.

I would never dream of turning up to a wedding empty handed! I never even turn up to a house empty handed.

Cards are ridiculous. Them sacrificing their time and money to be at your wedding wasn't enough?

I always do bring something but this expectation that people have is just ridiculous. Either tell people beforehand to give you something or stfu.

Ellis Dee

I took a couple of hours off work to go to the City Hall in Helsinki for a 5-minute civil marriage ceremony. The only others present, besides the Deputy-Mayor who did the honours, were two witnesses, one Irish, the other Russian.:)

That evening, all four of us had a nice meal in a restaurant and some decent wine.

My wife and I paid. We didn't get any presents or expect them.

The amount of money many people in Ireland spend on weddings is beyond ridiculous. It's their own business, of course, but there's no need for it and there shouldn't be so much social pressure on people to go through so much rigmarole. The money would be better spent on reducing their mortgage or buying consumer durables.:cool:

Gatica

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

On another note- my cousin got married a few months ago, invites went out and inside the envelope was a note saying they would like cash gifts of 100euro upwards:eek:

That's just crass! I would definitely decline in that situation even if I could afford it.

As for cards, I can understand now how they are so important to people. However, years ago I only gave the usual birthday card maybe. Whereas I had friends that had cards for every occasion, thank you cards for dinner, for staying over, etc. I never understood people's obsession with cards, but have learned that it's important to more people than you'd think. Now, I make sure to give card whatever the occasion, as have some friends that keep every card they get as a keepsake.
Do keep in mind however, that not everyone thinks that way and there may be many, who like myself before, may think the card is a bit pointless, they'd already made the effort to make it to your wedding, didn't they?

On the "necessary" wedding expenses, I agree with Minier81 and evilmonkee... You can wear the same dress more than once, you don't need to get a fake tan, you can do your own hair and make-up (it's not like you're the bride and everyone would be lookin at you!), you don't have to drink like a fish, and unless the wedding is far from home, you can get a cab and stay at home, or stay at a B&B. I think what becomes expensive for people is when couples go without kids and have to get a babysitter for the night, that I can understand as a necessary expense.

Sea Filly

Ellis Dee wrote: »

I took a couple of hours off work to go to the City Hall in Helsinki for a 5-minute civil marriage ceremony. The only others present, besides the Deputy-Mayor who did the honours, were two witnesses, one Irish, the other Russian.:)

That evening, all four of us had a nice meal in a restaurant and some decent wine.

My wife and I paid. We didn't get any presents or expect them.

This is my dream wedding. :cool:

Tigger

super_furry wrote: »

Honest question - would people rather that their guests not come than turn up empty handed? Weddings can be a huge cost on guests even without factoring in a gift.

I wouldnt have cared if no one had brought a gift but several people didn't give a a card at my wedding and to say my wife was quite disappointed by this
would be quite the understatement.