7 years: I want kids, he doesn't, but I don't want to break up.

Taltos · 16-05-2012 07:13AM

OP - after 7 years - if the best he can come out with is "I don't know" I think you have your answer. Might not be the answer you want but it's an answer all the same.

Sorry.

LegacyUser · 16-05-2012 07:33AM

Op am sorry to see that you are no further on. You seem to think you are not getting an answer from him but you are. He doesn't want this and doesn't have the balls to say that, instead he is saying he doesn't know as it buys him time and it was worked with you so far. You deserve so much more.

I personally would finish with him to hive him space to make up his mind. See if he comes back to you and if he doesn't then that solidifies your answer. Dont waste any more time are there are good guys out there who won't be afraid of marriage and a family with you. Good luck.

PlainP · 16-05-2012 09:48AM

You deserve more from this relationship than an "I don't know" after seven years.

But.....

He could be scared or have gotton too comfortable within this time. Sometimes men need a gentle push in the right direction, he probably loves you to bits but just needs time to get his head around the "finality" (don't know if this is the right word to use) of growing up I suppose.

It's a massive deal for men and maybe his way of coping is by keeping quiet and not talking but as this issus is so important you need to let him know that you need an answer and after seven years together you deserve one.

Gentle coaxing of the issue spoken under good terms might get him to open up. He might not have seriously thought about these things before but now that the time has come he could just be scared.

Give him time, you have spent seven years together, another few weeks or a couple of months could be the time he needs to get these issues resolved in his own mind.

Good luck.

Ickle Magoo · 16-05-2012 09:57AM

I think the prospect of getting married and having children is generally considered huge regardless of gender.

OP, the bottom line is he knows this is an enormous issue for you and one you feel you need to discuss and come to some kind of resolution with and he appears to have done absolutely no soul searching or personal discovery in order to have that conversation with you. That shows a degree of uncaring that would hurt me deeply, in your shoes.

Keeping a marriage happy and healthy takes work, parenting is tough - you really need to be able to discuss and have open, constructive conversations on how you feel and why you feel what you do in order to resolve conflict when jointly parenting or sharing a life with someone. That your boyfriend, even after seven years together, either cannot or will not do this really doesn't bode well regardless of any 11th hour change of heart. Do you really want to come up against this wall every time an issue comes up or some aspect of his psychology is affecting your relationship/family?

All the best OP.

curlzy · 16-05-2012 10:25AM

Jesus H Christ :eek: Honestly OP, you're a better woman than me. If that had happened to me last night and he just turned over and went asleep after repeating "duh, I don't know, duh, I'm scared" I would have been unable to control myself and I would have slapped the head off him. (Probably not, I'm not physically aggressive, but I certainly wouldn't have slept beside him, in fact I would have got up and packed right there and then) I mean come bloody on!!! How old is he? 12? Seriously I get that you love him but he's treating you like sh*t and he's getting away with it. YOU GAVE HIM 5 F*CKING WEEKS AND ALL HE COULD GIVE YOU WAS "I DON'T KNOW"!!!!:mad::mad::mad:

I strongly urge you to walk away at this point, like are you gonna beg him? Or put up with not having the life you want? Are you really that much of a doormat? I'm sorry, I really don't mean to be so mean to you when you're feeling so sad but COME ON!!! Get some self respect and dignity and get the life you want and stop leaving your future in this manboy's hands. For christ's sake get angry and do what's best for you, f*ck sad, get angry and get motivated and get the life you want by moving on from that wreck the head.

Walk away, honestly OP, he's just dicking you around. It sounds to me like it could be that you're Ms RightNow to him and not Ms Right.

You've a good job, you're patient, you're intelligent, I can tell that much from your posts. You'll find a man OP, that wants what you want and wants it with you and won't act like a scared and confused little boy. Honestly OP, I walked away from a f*cked up relationship and found the love of my life 1 month later, I'm now engaged to him and I didn't have to beg. I don't know how you could love Mr Manboy to be honest, he sounds selfish and childish and vacuous and infuriating.

Seriously OP, walk away.

I really wish you all the best and hope you find the strength you need to get through this.

ash23 · 16-05-2012 10:53AM

After 7 year with you, how long does he think it is going to take before he does know?
At this point in the relationship he knows you, he knows what you're like, he should know whether you are the woman he wants to marry.

Truthfully OP, I think you're on to a dead end here.
With my ex, I used to pretty much have to trap him to talk to him about marriage and kids.
We'd been together 5 years and I'd always wanted to get married and have children with him. He used to fob me off and put it on the long finger etc etc. Next year, after we buy a house, after I get my promotion......and on and on it went.
When we were driving somewhere it was the only time I could push the issue because there was no escape from it for him, short of leaping from a moving car.

Eventually he admitted he didn't want children. Then he admitted he didn't want to get married.
He had always been "too afraid" to tell me in case I left.

We split up partly because of that, mainly because he went off with someone younger :rolleyes:

He said he hoped that by the time she wanted marriage and kids, he might want them too.
What a gamble to make with someone elses life eh?

After 7 years he should be sure about where he sees your relationship going. He might just be afraid to tell you.

mood · 16-05-2012 12:51PM

ash23 wrote: »

Eventually he admitted he didn't want children. Then he admitted he didn't want to get married.

Unfortunately I think this is the case with your boyfriend OP. I would break up with him now so you have time to get over it all and meet someone else.

Baby75 · 16-05-2012 03:16PM

I tend to agree with every one else, if he can not make up his mind now or be open he may never, I have a friend's a couple they got married for the wrong reason's. he did not really want it but they had ( do not really want to go in to the reason why) then the cracks appeared as she wanted children he wanted his music and a baby was not in his plans. eventually they split up both sad as they did care for each other but wanted other things. fast forward and She is engaged and expecting her first baby in September and he has his music

I hope you get your heart desire

daisybelle2008 · 16-05-2012 03:30PM

As he does not know what he wants now and you say you are clear on what you want, you then have to accept that the incompatibility is enough to move on.
If you are 100% clear on what you want then his wish washyness about the issue will be enough for you to end the relationship and cast your net elsewhere with someone who has the same life plans as you. Set each other free as you are both holding each other back.

username123 · 16-05-2012 04:30PM

OP - I think you need to look at this from a different angle.

You think that as long as he says I dont know, he isnt saying no. But he isnt saying yes.

And thats your answer. He is not saying yes and agreeing to the same future you want.

You have given him 7 years and more directly, you have given him 5 weeks.
Its sadly a bit like 'he's just not that into you'. If he wanted you and he wanted to marry you and he wanted children with you - thats what you two would be doing. He is just living the life he wants with no regard for you, your hopes, your wishes, your dreams - and the reason why, is that he doesnt see them as shared hopes, wishes or dreams - but he knows if he tells you that you will leave him, so instead he just says 'i dont know' and because you dont leave he knows he can just keep stringing you along. I mean, you are still there with no answer you want after 7 years - so why would he think that thats gonna change?

Sala · 16-05-2012 08:16PM

Op you need to decide if you can stay with him, even if you never have kids, or if you need to leave. I'm sure it's very hard to leave someone you love but you need to think can you make those sacrifices for him. I don't think telling him what you want is giving him an "ultimatum"; I know 29 seems young, but to meet a life partner, get married and have children can take years. I think you need a yes or no- fobbing it off will not help you make your decision.

LegacyUser · 19-05-2012 06:11PM

Hello everyone,

First of all, I just want to thank everyone who has taken the time to reply to me. I really appreciate the outside perspectives. I'm taking everything onboards and while some of it has been hard to face up to I know that these are things I need to acknowledge.

Myself and my boyfriend had another talk the night before last. He explained to me that he felt at this stage he would have done more with his life. He thought he would have gone to college, or travelled or even emigrated. He said that he has all of these things going around in his head for the last year or so and he tried to ignore it instead of facing it. He said that he doesn't know what he's doing with his life. I told him that when he says he doesn't know what he's doing with his life it sounds like he's saying "I don't know what my plans are or if they include you." He said that this isn't how he feels. He said he loves me, I'm the most important person in his life and he wants us to be together. He said that he is worried that I will leave him because he feels that there is so much he still wants to do and that means he can't commit to having children in the next 2 years or so. He got very upset and kept apologising for not talking to me sooner.

I asked him if he does in fact want children and he said he does, 100%. I said "ok, if you're being totally honest with me then we can push it back a few years. I would be willing to wait until 35, once you geneuinely do want them." He said again that he does. I told him that if he wants to go to college I will support him all the way, if he wants to go see the world we'll do it together and if he wants to emigrate we'll start a life somewhere else. I told him that I'm open to all possibilities and I just need him to talk to me.

Then I broached the subject of getting engaged. I asked him why he was so reluctant to get engaged as that wouldn't affect any other plans we could make. He said he didn't know. He said that he always thought that you got engaged and married when you know what you're doing with your life, and he doesn't have a clue what he's at. I told him that I see it differently and I think you get engaged because you love the person and even if you don't know what you're doing with your life you know that you want this person to be part of it. He smiled at me and said "I never thought of it that way." I told him that I feel like I am making a compromise on the children side of things and I would feel a lot more comfortable with that decision if he were to make that commitment to me. He said he understood. He also told me he didn't want me to think that he hasn't spent the last 5 weeks thinking about this because he has. He internalises everything, I just didn't realise the extent of it. He said he's thinking of going to speak to a counsellor to try and get a handle on everything. I told him I think thats a wonderful idea and that I will support him in any way I can.

Am I being taken for a mug?? I genuinely believe this man loves me. I am taking a massive gamble on the children side of things as I know pushing it back could mean it never happens if we have problems conceiving. It does scare me and I do feel he could do more to make me feel more secure but given that we just had this talk I know nothing will happen straight away and we need to talk more.

He's away with work at the moment so I'll talk to him again when he gets home. I don't want to hassle him about it but I also don't want him to bury his head in the sand again. I think the counsellor is a wonderful idea and I'll suggest he goes alone at first and then we could go together. We'll see how things go.

Piliger · 20-05-2012 11:38PM

Hi OP. I read all of your last post and I am sure many here will be extremely cynical of this guy. I am going to try really hard not to be. I am delighted that at least you broke through his barriers and the subject is now exposed.

I could write a long reply dealing with all of the issues but I won't

I will just say that everything he says is fine and dandy. It makes sense. It may even be that he believes all of it.

However. He is 30 and you've together 7 years ! and really by now he should have grown up and come to some decision. And I don't believe that is unfair.

He is now placing you in a really ghastly position of have to take a huge gamble. You are considering delaying having kids until a time when, if he changes his mind again, you will be left stranded for a life without children !

All based on his ....... wishy washy unwillingness to decide. And I want to be fair to his point of view, but I cannot help but feel in my gut that he is telling you what you want to hear ... to put off his need to make a decision.

I hear you when you talk about love. I really do. But in my humble opinion marriage and kids is about a lot MORE than just love. Love on it's own is simply not good enough. It takes commitment and action and decisions.

I also hear a complete conflict between what he interprets engagement and marriage and what you interpret it as .... this is also not good.

So to cut to the chase. Here's my advice. I think you should tell him that you hear what he says, and you accept his explanations. However you need him to get a grip on his life, and what he wants out of it, and what he is willing to commit to ... and you are giving him until September to decide. Also, he must commit now to talking to a counsellor, and to you on a regular basis, and to openly discussing all of the issues (children, career, achievement, commitment) on a regular basis. In my mind this is the minimum he needs to commit to.

I do not believe you should be committing to his college at this point. Without being too hard on you OP, it is simply too early to give that commitment to someone who is not offering anything in return. That may sound cold ... but we are talking serious life here...not just kissy kissy luvy luvy.

Of course if you give him until September you will still have a huge decision to make. But you will at least have 4 months to assess if he follows through on the other issues and and a basis for making this crucial life choice.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser · 21-05-2012 08:11AM

Op has he applied for college? If not then that's another year before he can start and 4 years after that for a degree. Then he has to start at the bottom of the pile with work (usually)...

I personally would not take the risk and give him 12 years of my life before having kids. Have seen it happen numerous times with friends and each time the couples broke up and the guy married someone else within a year. IMHO he can't commit to you after 7 years because he can't commit to you and putting an engagement ring on won't change thet especially seeing as you had to cajole him into it. Move on op and don't waste any more fertile years on this man who is willing to take a risk on your chances of having a kid.

username123 · 21-05-2012 09:29AM

username123 wrote: »

so instead he just says 'i dont know' and because you dont leave he knows he can just keep stringing you along. I mean, you are still there with no answer you want after 7 years - so why would he think that thats gonna change?

So whats changed?

SadLass wrote: »

Myself and my boyfriend had another talk the night before last. He explained to me that he felt at this stage he would have done more with his life. He thought he would have gone to college, or travelled or even emigrated.

This is a complete cop out imo. He is 30. If he wanted to travel or go to college or emigrate - he would have done so. Pipe dreams.
Yeah, Id like to have been a ballerina or a hollywood star or married a millionaire.
What does he think he is gonna do - after 30 years of not getting up of his a$$ and doing any of these things is he gonna join the 22 year olds on the Inca trail? DO me a favour - you surely cant take this seriously from him?

SadLass wrote: »

He said that he has all of these things going around in his head for the last year or so and he tried to ignore it instead of facing it. He said that he doesn't know what he's doing with his life.

Which is how he lives his life - no reason to think that this is going to change. He doesnt even open up unless he is under pressure.

SadLass wrote: »

I would be willing to wait until 35, once you geneuinely do want them." He said again that he does. I told him that if he wants to go to college I will support him all the way, if he wants to go see the world we'll do it together and if he wants to emigrate we'll start a life somewhere else. I told him that I'm open to all possibilities and I just need him to talk to me.

Im telling you now, he doesnt want any of these things, he just wants you to leave him alone and he has gotten what he wants, you have effectively given him more 6 years of not having to make any changes in your life. Unless there was a plane ticket on the table by the weekend - he isnt going anywhere, college, travel, its all just words.

And you are selling your fertility for this rubbish! You do realise that your chances of having a down syndrome baby increase substantially in your late 30s. You do realise that your fertility goes into decline at around 35 and a lot of women are effectively infertile in their 40s? Is he gonna read up on this in 6 years time and decide that actually - lets not take the risk after all?
Does he even understand the implications for a woman of 35 trying to get pregnant for the first time? Do you? Madness. Youre selling yourself out for someone who doesnt respect you or care about your dreams. Why is it all about his dreams? Are your dreams irrelevant?

SadLass wrote: »

He said that he always thought that you got engaged and married when you know what you're doing with your life, and he doesn't have a clue what he's at.

And at what point do you expect him to have a clue what he is at? He is 30 now.

SadLass wrote: »

He said he's thinking of going to speak to a counsellor to try and get a handle on everything.

Thinking about it? Again, not actually doing anything, just having a think. He is a great thinker, Ill give him that.

SadLass wrote: »

H
Am I being taken for a mug?? I genuinely believe this man loves me. I am taking a massive gamble on the children side of things as I know pushing it back could mean it never happens if we have problems conceiving. It does scare me and I do feel he could do more to make me feel more secure but given that we just had this talk I know nothing will happen straight away and we need to talk more.

Yes - totally. You are taking a gamble against massive odds on the fertility aspect of things. However, if you are happier to have this partner than have children then thats your choice. Because I can guarantee you, in 6 years time, you might not be together at all, and if you are, what makes you think he will be ready then? If he decides to go to college (which I dont believe for a minute he will) then he will only be finished and you will be on him to have kids and he will be saying he has to get settled earning money first etc... There'll always be another excuse.

Why are you so willing to accept this below par treatment? Why dont you just leave him and find someone who wants to share in your hopes and dreams and not someone you have to beat like a dray horse and sell your fertility for to try and get him to do what you want? You know you cant control another person, you are trying to make him something he doesnt want to be.

Planning a life with someone should be exciting and fun, not this awful struggle where you actually agree to risk your child bearing years because this eejit still doesnt know what he wants at 30!

SadLass wrote: »

He's away with work at the moment so I'll talk to him again when he gets home. I don't want to hassle him about it but I also don't want him to bury his head in the sand again. I think the counsellor is a wonderful idea and I'll suggest he goes alone at first and then we could go together. We'll see how things go.

Good luck with that. Youve given him 6 years more, thats all he wanted, thats what he got. Forget more talk, he wont be interested. He will be too busy thinking about how his life could have been different if he travelled, or was a cowboy or an astronaut.

Seriously - you need to take your head out of the sand.

strandroad · 21-05-2012 09:58AM

I agree with username123 OP. Look at how he got you to commit to his plans, whatever they are (he's not sure himself), without committing to any of yours in any meaningful way. he made it all about him and you are so happy to accommodate him... but with someone with his outlook this will never end. Even if you wait out his college, he we will want to travel/find a job/emigrate and he will expect you to submit as you've done so far. Think about how many years will pass for him to finish college and settle down, or finish college and travel. Or finish college and emigrate - when you both need to save for the trip and start, find accommodation, find jobs, sort out your healthcare, maternity... He's 30, has no initiative and still doesn't know what he wants to do, even poked, prodded and given an ultimatum. I'm afraid that you're wasting your time, unless you accept that he's the only child you will have in your life.

leeroybrown · 21-05-2012 10:49AM

SadLass wrote: »

Myself and my boyfriend had another talk the night before last. He explained to me that he felt at this stage he would have done more with his life. He thought he would have gone to college, or travelled or even emigrated. He said that he has all of these things going around in his head for the last year or so and he tried to ignore it instead of facing it. He said that he doesn't know what he's doing with his life. I told him that when he says he doesn't know what he's doing with his life it sounds like he's saying "I don't know what my plans are or if they include you." He said that this isn't how he feels. He said he loves me, I'm the most important person in his life and he wants us to be together. He said that he is worried that I will leave him because he feels that there is so much he still wants to do and that means he can't commit to having children in the next 2 years or so. He got very upset and kept apologising for not talking to me sooner.

So in effect he's spent the last 10 years procrastinating rather than doing the things he "felt" he would have done. Seven of those years he managed to spend with you without putting any thought into your future together. What is he actually planning to do? Has he picked a college course (most of which he's too late for this year)? Has he started considering travel plans? Is he thinking about emigrating to find a new challenge abroad? How's he even going to scratch the surface of this in the next two years. It sounds like he likes the idea of all of these but will never commit to doing them.

Maybe I'm completely wrong but my expectation would be that in two years time he still won't have even scratched the surface of these grand ideas and still won't be ready to settle down.

Floppybits · 21-05-2012 11:10AM

I hate to say it OP but I think this guy is stringing you along. I think you need to start making your own plans and stop waiting on him to make up his mind. By the age of 30 most people have thought about what they want to do in life and have made the necessary steps to set about achieving those things, your guy hasn't done any of that.

Unfortunately OP, like a lot of other posters have said this guy is just keeps stringing you along. Break up and get on with getting on with your life and stop waiting on him to figure out what he is going to do.

Baby75 · 21-05-2012 11:33AM

just my thoughts, but whats stopping him (you both) having children now and still doing the things he wants to do!!! I had my first baby when my husband was in college, we managed fine, I went back to college when we had our second, we emigrated when we had 3 children had a 4th abroad then we came home:) my husband then went to college again and retrained completely and is working in that profession now (computers) we had our 5'th baby a year ago ( we love children)

My point is:
you can still live your dream's children do not stop you achieving them or living your life! on less you let them! for us it made our journey so far a great one! We have no regrets.

Some times waiting for the right time means it never happens as for some there is never a right time!!!!

just one point on waiting for a baby till your 35! what if you wait and it takes ages to get pregnant then have your baby and suddenly realize you love 3 or 4 children and you don't have enough time or because of being older or what ever it never happens. I did not know when we started I would have as many as I do now, 1 or 3 I always thought! but we knew our family wasn't complete and I was lucky we could have them, and some may think it was easy it wasn't at all 2 years and more trying for 3 of them! the longing for a baby be it your first or third etc if your trying and its just not happening can be very hard to deal with and very emotional. something you may come to regret and hold resentment towards him if it happens some years down the line.

curlzy · 21-05-2012 11:34AM

Hey OP,

I really think that you and your OH are getting a very rough time here. I think it's good news that he said he 100% wants children and that he does want to be with you. I totally see where username123 and others are coming from and I agree that he's a great thinker altogether:rolleyes: and very wishy-washy.

HOWEVER, I also see your OH's point of view. In fairness you told him you needed an answer and you've got one, he does want what you want, just not yet. You said yourself at the start that you didn't want kids just yet either, you just needed to know where you both were headed. Well now you do know.

I can't argue with statistics but my mother was 32 having me, 37 having my brother and 42 having my little sister, she had no problems conceiving (in fact lil sis was a surprise) and we were all born perfect. So yeah while it's a gamble I think it can turn out fine to leave having kids late. I don't plan on starting until I'm around 35 myself. Personally I find the thoughts of having kids is hugely daunting. Luckily for me my financee would like to be a stay at home dad so I can continue working without argument

Maybe your OH is like me and knows he would like them some day but is a bit daunted by the life changing epicness of the decision?

I think all relationships are a gamble really. You might be gambling that he won't have kids when it comes down to it, another girl is gambling that her fella won't cheat on her on holiday etc etc etc. At the end of the day we can only have faith that other people are telling the truth, granted if they lie to you then learn from it, but there's no point living life wondering if everthing is a lie.

You say yourself that you believe him. So then give him your trust. However I would stick to the fact that you would like to be more secure and engaged. Discuss time limits with him, i.e I would tell him outright that as you are willing to support him in travel, emigration or college, you would like some commitment in return. I also think couple's counselling is a great idea as you can work out your future plans etc.

If you think he tells lies or that he will just change his mind then yes walk away. But if you think he's being honest and open and you love him then I think you should enjoy life as it is and continue to enjoying live together. But if there's no sign of an engagement ring soon then I would consider having another talk.

Piliger · 21-05-2012 12:04PM

Hi Curlzy - you say a lot of what I said above and I think we both realise that life is complicated and not everyone sees their life clearly and not everyone finds it easy to navigate it.

One point of issue though. I am concerned over the importance being placed on getting engaged. I am sorry but I don't see this as a significant sign of commitment. It is oh so easy to do, and to agree to, and to walk away a year or four afterward. These days it just isn't seen as the commitment it was many years ago. In my view this is a mirage, a false comfort to aim for.

username123 · 21-05-2012 12:23PM

Piliger wrote: »

One point of issue though. I am concerned over the importance being placed on getting engaged. I am sorry but I don't see this as a significant sign of commitment. It is oh so easy to do, and to agree to, and to walk away a year or four afterward. These days it just isn't seen as the commitment it was many years ago. In my view this is a mirage, a false comfort to aim for.

I agree with this. I also think the same could be said about marriage, and about having children together.

People walk away from all levels of commitment. But I think the OP just wants some kind of sign from him that he is taking the relationship seriously and thinking of some kind of future. An engagement ring is only another promise though.

I might have been harsh in my post above, but I think its important for the OP to see the situation through the eyes of others.

For me, personally, I would not allow myself to be treated that way. I love me more than I love any partner. And because I love me, and I respect me, I only accept respect and good treatment of me from others. So I would be telling someone to take a hike if they were stringing me along. If it were me, I probably would have told him to take a hike a number of years ago.

The OPs problem here is that she has allowed and agreed with the situation for 7 years. So she is in that position you get into when you are put on hold. You want to hang up, but youve waited this long, you may as well keep waiting.

But for me life is not like being on hold. This aint no dress rehearsal, you only get one shot at it, so make sure its your best shot.

If you hang around hoping someone else will change you are pinning your hopes on something you have no control over, its like being a passenger on a flight. But if you take control of your life - you are the pilot.

curlzy · 21-05-2012 01:01PM

Hey Pilinger/Username123,

I agree, an engagement/wedding ring isn't the commitment it used to be and people can walk away from it. But in fairness, nothing, not even 20 kids and 20 mortgages can make someone stay if they don't want to. So it's really a moot point. I think though it is a symbol of the commitment a couple has for relationship and I think that if he's unwilling to give that now then it's time to give up the ghost as it shows that he's unwilling to even symbolically commit to the relationship.

Username123 I think we think alike. I'm a complete hard ass and I never accept anything less than respect inside or outside relationships. However, I think where we might differ is that I dont' see the OP's partner's confusion/tardiness as an insult or stringing her along. I think it's more to do with the fact he's being asked to state his intensions/life goals and it's not that easy for everyone. Some people are blessed with know what they want career/family/travel etc but some people only see them as options, not bad not good but options, and they're not sure what they want. I think the OP's partner is telling the truth, that he loves her and that he wants children down the line but it's very daunting to have to state cathegorically what you want your life to be like for the next 20 to 25 years. It's easy to say by 30 you should know what you want, but in fairness just because you knew, that doesn't mean others do. You can't ask him to make these huge decisions when he really doesn't know what he wants, it's not a like it's a small matter of what you want for dinner etc. In fact it would be unfair for him to give answers he's not sure of, at least he's putting thought into it.

OP,
I'm really not saying to put this all in his care. Don't hand your power to anyone but the fact is that you have both said that you want to stay together and have children together. Maybe you're just ready before him. If you get the feeling that he's not being honest or there's not engagement forcoming then yeah cut your losses but in fairness you've both made progress.

Again I think the counselling could be a great benefit to both of you.

strandroad · 21-05-2012 01:20PM

OP, I would give him several months to act on his plans. If you don't see any actual, concrete steps towards them - sadly, walk away.

username123 · 21-05-2012 02:40PM

curlzy wrote: »

However, I think where we might differ is that I dont' see the OP's partner's confusion/tardiness as an insult or stringing her along. I think it's more to do with the fact he's being asked to state his intensions/life goals and it's not that easy for everyone.

Just to be clear, I dont think that he is a bad guy, but she does say in the first post that whenever she asked him to talk about this stuff he would use evasion techniques. After 7 years together I do not accept that he hasnt put some thought into where they are going, and if he hasnt, what kind of a person does that make him, is he asleep? It certainly does not show that he cares about his partner (knowing she wants some ideas of the future).

And if thats how he wants to live his life thats fine. But the problem is, he is with someone who wants something different to this kind of flimmy flammy attitude.

She doesnt seem to have the strength to walk away. If he respected her he would walk away. But instead, he wants her to carry on waiting and she seems desperate to hang onto him (why is beyond me) so she is agreeing to risk her fertility. He could get to flim and flam around til he is 60 and STILL be fertile. She hasnt got that luxury.

Somehow the situation just seems very uneven to me. His hopes and dreams get respected, but hers dont.

Its clear by her posts that she is desperate for some kind of commitment sign from him, something that tells her its going to turn out ok. I would like her to see that in fact, all the signs are there, she just doesnt want to read them.

tinkerbell · 21-05-2012 07:50PM

Oh OP, this is not going to end well for you. First of all, let me say that this idea of him wanting to have done things with his life, such as travel, do a college course, etc. etc. is a crock of BS if I ever heard it. He's 30, most people who WANT to travel do so in their 20s or if it's in their 30s they at least have a plan to do so, not "oh I'd have like to do that". If he wanted to go to college, well he's had plenty of time to act on it. He sounds to me like a lazy guy who just quite frankly, couldn't be bothered.

You are putting your entire life on hold for someone who really doesn't show much love for you. You are mad to say you'll put off having kids until 35 just to see if he's ready by then. Most likely by then he still won't be! He's been with you 7 years, if he wanted to commit to you he would've done so by now, not just stringing you along. Plenty of couples are together 7+ years but at least have a plan to either get married, buy a house together, have children, etc. and are on the same page. You on the other hand are on a completely different page.

So I'll put it to you like this: how important are children to you? If they are way up on your list and you value being a mother more than your partner, walk away and find someone else. If however you're happy to just plod along not knowing where you stand and are happy with giving up the idea of kids and any sort of commitment because your partner is all that you need, well stay with him.

But tbh, in answer to your question - yes you are being taken for a mug. You need to have a proper discussion. He either wants to be with you and commit to you or he doesn't. And the way he's going on, he doesn't seem like he wants any commitment at all. I've heard plenty of men & women who plod along for years with their other halves not really going anywhere only to break up and one of them gets with a new person straight away, next thing a year on they are married with a baby on the way.

Regarding this "not being ready for 2 years" rubbish, I'd say to him - fine, well what is your plan for the next 2 years. If he has a solid plan that he's implementing, well at least you know he's not messing you about, if he's all blah blah, well then there's your answer. But I don't think he has a 2 year plan, I think you're just wasting your time.

miec · 22-05-2012 04:17PM

Hi Op

I was in a somewhat similar situation myself many years ago with my ex-husband. He had no problem getting engaged or living together but he was leery of getting married and it turned out he did not want children. We were together for five years, as time went by I became broody and wanted a child. He said lots of what your boyfriend said (he was around 31/32 at the time and I was 25) he wanted to travel, go to college etc. Eventually he agreed to marriage and having a child (because I was going to leave) but within a week or two after we got married he said he had changed his mind and wanted to put off having children for five years. I went along with it and became depressed. A few months later he decided one day let's try for a child. Six months later I got pregnant and I am thrilled to have my son but it broke up our horrible dysfunctional marriage. Aside from the other stuff it turned out my ex never really wanted children. He just wanted to drift through life spending money as he pleases with no responsibility. When I read your posts about your situation I see aspects of my former marriage. I am sharing this with you because I think he may be placating you but even more importantly you are pushing for this to happen when you could find a really nice man who gladly wants children and marriage. After I had my son and got divorced a year later I didn't want any more children and trying to find a man who doesn't want children is difficult so there are plenty of them out there.

Magicmatilda · 22-05-2012 09:23PM

My advice would be to leave it for a few months and don't bring it up but keep an eye out for him taking some action, actually going to counselling, looking into travelling or emigrating, researching college etc.. You will know whether he is actually doing this and if he is not, which I suspect he won't (I hope I'm wrong) then you will need to put yourself and your needs first and walk away. What strikes me is that nothing had changed. In your first post you wanted certain things, a commitment to kids and marriage within a time frame and he wasn't giving that. Now you still want the sane things and he still isn't giving anything. He said he may want these thing in 5 years (or did you say that and he agreed?) but it's still not a time frame. He just phrased I don't know differently. I know you love him and it's hard but it looks from the outside like he doesn't want to commit in any real way.

Scanlas The 2nd · 23-05-2012 07:29AM

You are crazy if wait until you are 35 to have kids, the time to have kids is now, if not a few years ago, your fertility has been declining of the last 4 years or so. If he doesn't agree to have kids you need to leave him ASAP.

23-05-2012 09:06AM

Please bear in mind that even if you did end up trying for kids at 35, there's no guarantee you'll have a kid at 35. You don't know how long it will take, you could end up going through treatments etc, and it's a late time to be trying when you don't know. And you don't know he'll even do it - all he did was tell you "I don't know" in a more lengthy way. It's easy for him to sit on his backside talking about what might have been, but unless he gets up and does something about it, it's just more talk and more fobbing off.
All you do is bend over to accommodate his wishes that he has not lifted a finger to attempt - what about your own wishes? Yours have a time limit - his don't. If he wanted to do college so desperately he could do it later in life. You can't have kids later in life.

7 years: I want kids, he doesn't, but I don't want to break up.

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