7 years: I want kids, he doesn't, but I don't want to break up.

LegacyUser

Background: He’s 30, I’m 29 and we’ve been together for 7 years. We’re renting with no plans to buy a house, unmarried and no children.

I love him very much and I know he loves me, but I just feel that he’s coasting right now. We’re together a long time and there seems to be no plans whatsoever to move forward in our relationship. He has been aware since the beginning of our relationship that I really want children at some stage. He says he does too but anytime I try to talk about any sort of timeline for even thinking about having kids he closes down. He becomes evasive and does his best to change the subject. Asking him if he does in fact actually want children results in “yes, of course” and no more.

It’s the same with marriage. I would like to get married at some point. I love him and I want to spend my life with him. He claims he wants marriage too but again, as with the children talk, he closes down and won’t have an actual discussion.
I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I am going to have to choose between having kids and being with this man. In my heart of hearts I don’t believe he is being honest when he says he wants children and marriage. Or if he does want these things, he doesn’t want them with me.

I don’t want to lose him and I guess I need advice on how I can accept that I won’t be having children if I stay with him. Has anyone been in this situation? Were you able to make that choice successfully and without resentment? I simply feel sad. Just really, really sad.

I am a friend

Why would you give-up your dream of kids and marriage to be with someone who, after 7 years, won't give you a straight answer and timeline about your future????

You also need to ask why you are handing him full control of how your future pans out?? Surely you should be driving that?? I don't get why you are suppressing your dreams for him? have you thought about all this op? No one is worth giving up your dreams for hon...

You are young and will meet someone else. I was in a similar position and we broke up (for that reason and others) and like your case he told me for years he wanted kids etc but admitted at the end he lied cos he didn't want to lose me

I now have a new baby with someone so much better suited to me... You can too xx

ihsb

He lied to you... you made it clear what you wanted from the beginning and he doesn't even have the guts to admit that he doesn't want what you want. Get out while you are still young enough to meet someone else and get married and have your babies. I know you love him but will you always hate him for making you give up your dream?

P. Breathnach

SadLass wrote: »

... I just feel that he’s coasting right now....

I'm inclined to agree with those who responded before me, but want to focus on the one sentence above. Perhaps he just needs shaking up.

In any relationship, people like to get into a comfortable state. It's possible that he really does share your dream of marriage and children, but things are so comfortable for him at present that he is giving the short term priority over the longer term (that's a complicated way of saying that he couldn't be arsed unless the issue is forced).

I suggest that you lay it on the line for him. Don't ask. Take a stronger position and put him on notice: unless he agrees to set a date for marriage and accepts that your view of marriage is that you have a family, then you are leaving. Give him a deadline to respond - it's hard to say how long to allow, but more than a day or two and less than months.

I am a friend

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I'm inclined to agree with those who responded before me, but want to focus on the one sentence above. Perhaps he just needs shaking up.

In any relationship, people like to get into a comfortable state. It's possible that he really does share your dream of marriage and children, but things are so comfortable for him at present that he is giving the short term priority over the longer term (that's a complicated way of saying that he couldn't be arsed unless the issue is forced).

I suggest that you lay it on the line for him. Don't ask. Take a stronger position and put him on notice: unless he agrees to set a date for marriage and accepts that your view of marriage is that you have a family, then you are leaving. Give him a deadline to respond - it's hard to say how long to allow, but more than a day or two and less than months.

I see the logic here but do you not think thats an ultimatum? I would hate to force someone into marriage and kids and have it thrown back in my face some day..

I would think having a chat about the birds and the bees is essential, clearly explaining the time limitations on women having kids and for the OP to explain she wants marriage as well. I would see what comes out of that conversation but have a timescale set in my own head by which time he would need to get moving...

dellas1979

It is 100% possible to be in love with someone yet both want different things, and at different stages in our lives.

Well done for trying to talk to him already, although its gotton nowhere. If you want answers, you are going to have to get a little tougher and tell him exactly where you feel you stand. But here is the thing, you may open up a can of worms and get the answer you dont want. You must prepare yourself for this. Maybe try a slightly different approach-tell him exactly whats going on with you, that you want to move forward in your own life and you want it to be with him, but what he is offering for currently at present and in the future is not what you want for yourself-dont push for an answer there and then, give him a little time to mull it over, but make it clear you are expecting a reply to this.

P. Breathnach

I am a friend wrote: »

I see the logic here but do you not think thats an ultimatum?

Yes, I'm suggesting an ultimatum.

I would hate to force someone into marriage and kids and have it thrown back in my face some day.

But the situation is that OP's partner has said that he also wants marriage and children; he's just not following through on his words. So the ultimatum can be set in that context: "Look, you have said that you would like to get married and start a family. So here's where I now stand..."

I would think having a chat about the birds and the bees is essential, clearly explaining the time limitations on women having kids and for the OP to explain she wants marriage as well. I would see what comes out of that conversation but have a timescale set in my own head by which time he would need to get moving...

What you suggest is not fundamentally different from my proposal. Effectively, the difference is that I think he should be told the timescale for decision-making. I'm suggesting the stronger line because of what OP said about his seeming to be coasting, and my interpretation that he needs a big wake-up call.

It's OP's call. She might follow your recommendation, or mine, or neither.

I am a friend

Well my fear is that he would agree to get married and have kids etc to keep her but not really want it... Chances are in 5/10/15 years his frustration would kick in and there could be resentment from his side.

OP its a hard one - either you grow to resent him or chances are if he is 'forced' into a family situation then he could grow to resent you. i think its better to meet someone on the same page as you rather than forcing someone to change...

Meller

Maybe he backs out of it because he doesn't want any of those things just yet? You are both still very young. 30 is considered a big milestone, though, especially when it comes to things like kids and marriage - but you've barely hit it yet, so maybe he just needs time to adjust to the fact he's actually gotten older and reached the stage where he should seriously thinking about this. A lot of people don't want to be thinking about children in their twenties.

I don't know why you've resigned yourself to not getting what you want - you know him better than anyone, of course, but you're still young!

If you suspect he's just trying to appease you with the 'yes, of course' response, then call him out on it. Ask if he's just saying that and if it's what he really wants. Don't let him back out this time, but don't make him feel like you're going to try force him into doing something he's not quite ready for too soon either. It's a BIG deal, after all; try being patient and understanding and consider how he might be feeling about it, and hopefully he'll return the favour.

Elmidena

OP, I think that these issues are bigger in your mind than they should be in reality; you have another decade of chidbearing potentiality in you at least, and have said that you want a marriage and kids "at some point". You're renting with no intention to buy a house but you sounded fine with that; are you feeling in a rut and want to advance for some reason?

Money could be an issue; weddings can be pricy and he might want to do it right, and if there's a child then that's a long term financial stability requirement. Unless you're both in great jobs, that means very little in terms of disposable income and it could be that that's so unappealing to him.

I think you're putting too much focus on this and want something in stone for the sake of something in stone. The more you bring it up the more he'll dig his heels in with his uncertainty and wishes to change the subject, or he'll feel coerced to go along with your wishes and down the line that would very likely be a volcanic eruption in your partnership.

If you let the subject cool off then he might be more willing to approach you with a conversation concerning them, rather than feeling put on the spot. You want these things some day, and don't want to break up, so don't! Just relax and take each day as it comes until you have a definite desire for a "now" rather than a "some day"

iguana

Elmidena wrote: »

OP, I think that these issues are bigger in your mind than they should be in reality; you have another decade of chidbearing potentiality in you at least, and have said that you want a marriage and kids "at some point".

Actually a woman's fertility peaks between the ages of 22 and 26 and starts a rapid decline from 30 onwards. By age 30 1 in 6 women are naturally infertile, by age 35 1 in 4 women are, by 40 half of women are and of those who do get pregnant they have a 33% miscarriage rate. The older you get the harder it is to get pregnant, the tougher pregnancy is on your body and, worst of all, the odds of you having healthy baby decrease.

Also the OP said she wants a baby 'at some stage' 7 years ago, now she wants to start having the discussions about when that stage might be. Something that is pretty normal to want in a relationship that is 7 years old.

OP, my advice is to make it clear that you want to talk it through. Maybe tell your boyfriend in advance that you want this discussion. Tell him you are unhappy with how things are and you need to have this talk. Tell him you appreciate that he may need time to think about it so he doesn't have to be ready to talk right there and then but you want to set aside a time to talk, over the May Bank for example, and you want him to be ready to talk then. Then, unless he says he is ready to talk there and then, change the subject and don't mention it again until the set time. It will also give you a few weeks to really think about exactly what you are hoping for. If when that time comes around he still won't talk, then you'll know that he is either not interested enough in you and your future or that he sees that future as something too far off to be worthy of talking about, either of which is an answer to you in some way.

I am a friend

Elmidena wrote: »

; you have another decade of chidbearing potentiality in you at least

Why should she wait another decade for him to decide, if he cant know after 7 years and living together

Also why should she take any risk that she may not have kids because he is sitting on the fence :mad:

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your responses. I know I need to talk to him about it but it seems that no matter what approach I take he won't do it. Then I get frustrated and annoyed and end up feeling like an unreasonable nag. I'm at the stage now where I'm getting asked about when we're getting married, having kids, and while I don't want these things because of people's questions or because I see my friends moving on in their relationships, it does bring it home to me that it will most likely never happen for me.

Elmidena wrote: »

you have another decade of chidbearing potentiality in you at least,

I don't want to be in my late 30s, early 40s and only then trying for a baby. I don't to be 60 years old when my child is starting college. I don't want to have an increased risk to my pregnancy or, god forbid, not be able to get pregnant at all. I'm not asking that he knocks me up right now, but rather that he gives me some indication of when he thinks he would like to start trying for a family.

and have said that you want a marriage and kids "at some point".

I have said this throughout our relationship over the last 7 years. I didn't just decide this now.

You're renting with no intention to buy a house but you sounded fine with that;

I'm not really fine with it at all. I don't want to buy a house right this second given how the market is but it would be nice to even start some sort of savings for when the time comes. This isn't even on his radar. It is another thing I have tried talking to him about.

are you feeling in a rut and want to advance for some reason?

I guess I am feeling in a rut. I feel like I have no control over my future and that it all rests in his hands.

Money could be an issue; weddings can be pricy and he might want to do it right, and if there's a child then that's a long term financial stability requirement. Unless you're both in great jobs, that means very little in terms of disposable income and it could be that that's so unappealing to him.

I have told them if we were to get married I would want it to be a simply registry office affair and he has never indicated that he would want otherwise.

He spent thousands on a 2 seater sports car last year and he regularly spends hundreds on his hobby. This shows me that he has no long-term plans. We are both in comfortable enough jobs, not exactly on massive salaries but we would manage. Again though, I'm not asking for all of this right now. I just want to know if it's even in his plans. At the moment it doesn't seem to be and he won't talk to me about it not matter how I approach it.

I think you're putting too much focus on this and want something in stone for the sake of something in stone. The more you bring it up the more he'll dig his heels in with his uncertainty and wishes to change the subject, or he'll feel coerced to go along with your wishes and down the line that would very likely be a volcanic eruption in your partnership.

If you let the subject cool off then he might be more willing to approach you with a conversation concerning them, rather than feeling put on the spot. You want these things some day, and don't want to break up, so don't! Just relax and take each day as it comes until you have a definite desire for a "now" rather than a "some day"

I appreciate where you are coming from but I have spent 7 years with this man and I am at the point now where I just want to know if it's ever going to happen. I haven't been pestering him with this constantly, in fact, I rarely bring it up in a serious sense, but when I do he shuts down and I get nothing other than vague assurances that he does want the same things but nothing more. I can't face another 7 years of uncertainty and then have him tell me that he doesn't want anything like that with me. I try to resign myself to the fact that this is as far as our relationship is going and that I need to just accept it if I want to be with him, but another part of me feels that I shouldn't have to just accept it and he should tell me where I stand.

Elmidena

The advice I gave was based on her not wanting to break up with him....as for the fertility some interesting stats there but a lot is down to hereditary/medical history/smoking etc as well. I just meant it wasn't the end of the world right this moment that she still had a good long future. I was conceived at 42, the exception to the rule I know but there's a lot of medical assistance available nowadays that helps conception (fertility pills, IVF, surrogacy with a fertilised egg). Wasn't advocating putting it on the long finger, just trying to help clear the storm clouds a bit and as I said, based off her not wanting to end it with him

tinkerbell

Elmidena wrote: »

there's a lot of medical assistance available nowadays that helps conception (fertility pills, IVF, surrogacy with a fertilised egg). Wasn't advocating putting it on the long finger, just trying to help clear the storm clouds a bit and as I said, based off her not wanting to end it with him

First of all, regardless if IVF etc is an option, it costs thousands and thousands and not many people have that kind of spare cash to spend on fertility treatments which may not even work.

To the OP, you have been together 7 years, you need to have a serious chat with him and discuss your future. If you're not on the same page by now, you prob never will be.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Well my fear is that he would agree to get married and have kids etc to keep her but not really want it... Chances are in 5/10/15 years his frustration would kick in and there could be resentment from his side.

OP its a hard one - either you grow to resent him or chances are if he is 'forced' into a family situation then he could grow to resent you. i think its better to meet someone on the same page as you rather than forcing someone to change...

This is a huge worry for me. I don't want to force him into something he doesn't want. To be honest, if he proposed to me tomorrow I would probably say no because I think he genuinely doesn't want to marry me and I would feel like he was only doing it because he doesn't want us to break up. That probably sounds ridiculous but I don't think I could marry someone when I don't believe their heart is in it.

My head is wrecked at the moment. Most of the time I'm fine and I just get on with things and enjoy being together, but every now and then it hits me hard and I feel so incredibly sad.

I appreciate all of the advice. I have a lot of thinking to do.

Baby75

Good Luck its a hard one! I think your gut knows already go with it!

leeroybrown

The real problem here is that the two of you you have been together seven years and can't seem to sit down (as a couple) and have a proper discussion about this. That basic direct communication on long-term issues is incredibly important if you're considering marriage, kids, etc. Without it that long term commitment is is on really poor footing.

I'd also strongly advise against an ultimatum on the issue. Ultimatums bring different responses from different people and quite often they're not necessarily the ideal response. You could be very strong willed on the issue of communication and his not opening up about the subject of marriage/kids but if you start bringing timelines, etc into it to force him to marry and have kids you may as well just break up with him. I know it sounds harsh but it's just my opinion.

I am a friend

Ok so you are ok most of the time. What happens when another 2 years passes and you are ok less of the time? Then another two etc etc

The easiest thing to do here, like he is, is to sit on the fence. The only difference is that mother mature has a limit on how long you can sit if you do want kids.

P. Breathnach

SadLass wrote: »

This is a huge worry for me. I don't want to force him into something he doesn't want. To be honest, if he proposed to me tomorrow I would probably say no because I think he genuinely doesn't want to marry me and I would feel like he was only doing it because he doesn't want us to break up. That probably sounds ridiculous but I don't think I could marry someone when I don't believe their heart is in it.

And you think he is coasting?

Think about it: you are seven years into a relationship; you want to marry; you want children; he says he wants the same. He's not following through, and it seems that he might be getting all of what he wants, while you are not getting all that you want. And I suspect that you hear the ticking of the biological clock. And now you express a fear of changing the situation. But you are here because you want the situation to change.

As for marrying you because he doesn't want the relationship to break up: can't it be said that is what marriage is about? It's making a public and legal declaration that you are in a relationship that you consider permanent.

My head is wrecked at the moment. Most of the time I'm fine and I just get on with things and enjoy being together, but every now and then it hits me hard and I feel so incredibly sad.

Is it right that you have to experience such sadness? What you want is not at all unreasonable. Have you let him know that you feel this way?

I appreciate all of the advice. I have a lot of thinking to do.

Poor you! I am torn between offering you a virtual hug and a virtual shaking. Do make sure that he understands what is important to you.

LegacyUser

P. Breathnach wrote: »

And you think he is coasting?

Think about it: you are seven years into a relationship; you want to marry; you want children; he says he wants the same. He's not following through, and it seems that he might be getting all of what he wants, while you are not getting all that you want. And I suspect that you hear the ticking of the biological clock. And now you express a fear of changing the situation. But you are here because you want the situation to change.

It's not so much a fear of changing the situation. It is a fear of him feeling forced into something he doesn't want. I don't want to marry someone that doesn't want to marry me and is only doing it because he wants me to stop nagging him.

P. Breathnach wrote: »

As for marrying you because he doesn't want the relationship to break up: can't it be said that is what marriage is about? It's making a public and legal declaration that you are in a relationship that you consider permanent.

Oh I know, and I agree with you. But I don't think he sees it that way. I just don't believe that after all these years, and after numerous attempts to have a discussion about it, that it is something he actually wants. I mean, if I would marry him tomorrow if I thought he wanted to because I love him and I want to spend my life with him. He could never say the same thing about me.

I feel like we're really separate. When he bought the car my mam was cracking jokes about how we'd never fit a kid in the back of it and he just shrugged it off. It never even entered his head that he's going to have this car for a good few years and that maybe it was something to consider.

Is it right that you have to experience such sadness? What you want is not at all unreasonable. Have you let him know that you feel this way?

I told him earlier how I feel. I've been really off with him the last few days and I haven't been very fair so I explained why I was off and I apologised for it. I asked him to just listen to me and to take in what I was saying. I told him I didn't want him to say anything in response but that I wanted him to think about what he wants to happen and to be honest with me. I told him my fears about the situation and I made sure to stay calm and (almost) tear free. I'm not going to push it right now but he knows he needs to have a proper conversation with me at some stage very soon.

Poor you! I am torn between offering you a virtual hug and a virtual shaking. Do make sure that he understands what is important to you.

Thanks. I'm wrecking my own head so I do appreciate the considerate nature of all the replies here.

Kimia

To be honest OP I think you've done all you can do. You have explained to him how you feel and unless he completely surprises you very soon, I think you have realized by now that this relationship is not going to give you what you want. That's why you're so sad.

After that, you need to figure out if you are willing to live with what he can give you. I know you feel out of control, but you have the opportunity to take it back. It will be tough though.

mackmuffin

I think he's rehearsed his answer being honest and is just spinning you a line to keep you quiet

gowayouttadat

fair dues for having the conversation. to be honest before i read your last post i was just about to say you should speak to him, tell him you don't want a response straight away and let him think about it.

my own experience is this... i'm with my other half 11 years this month, we have a two and a half year old boy. the pregnancy was unplanned and totally unexpected. since our little boy was born i've been anxious to get married. it's just my own personal opinion but i prefer the thought of his parents being married. i hate how my boyfriend and son have a different surname to me. i broached the subject with my boyfriend a few times, we has always been very difficult to have serious conversations with. finally last november i sat him down, told him what i wanted and when, explained how it could be a small ceremony etc, told him i didn't want him to reply straight away, just to think about it and i'd ask him in a few days what he thought. in a few days time i asked him if he'd thought about it and he agreed to get married.

i know 100% he'd be happy to keep going as we are however we're getting married in 1 month because he knows how much it means to me. he explained at the time that he had no problem marrying me it was the thought of the big day etc that put him off. we had never been to anything except the standard irish weather so he didn't have any concept of how you could do things differently. he was completely freaked by the thought of a big wedding.

P. Breathnach

SadLass wrote: »

... I love him and I want to spend my life with him. He could never say the same thing about me....

After seven years together? I really hope that you are wrong.

strandroad

SadLass wrote: »

I told him earlier how I feel. I've been really off with him the last few days and I haven't been very fair so I explained why I was off and I apologised for it. I asked him to just listen to me and to take in what I was saying. I told him I didn't want him to say anything in response but that I wanted him to think about what he wants to happen and to be honest with me. I told him my fears about the situation and I made sure to stay calm and (almost) tear free. I'm not going to push it right now but he knows he needs to have a proper conversation with me at some stage very soon.

I strongly believe that this is the best you could have done and fair dues for not going too emotional on it. You deserve an honest answer, you asked for it but you gave him enough time to think things through as he may not know the answer today; not necessarily because he's against the plans or being inconsiderate but perhaps he is indeed coasting and happy to continue this way so he never gave it the attention it deserves.

Please have this talk again some time down the line, don't leave it too long though so that you don't fall back into the old comfy routine which will be hard to shake.

LegacyUser

P. Breathnach wrote: »

After seven years together? I really hope that you are wrong.

No, sorry, you left out the main part of that sentence where I said "I would marry him tomorrow"

At the moment he's acting as if everything is normal and I told him before we went to bed last night that I don't want to slip back into normality like every other time I've tried to talk to him. He said he understands so I guess its just a case of waiting to see if he'll actually talk to me about where he stands. I think after 7 years its the least I deserve.

Thank you for all the advice.

dellas1979

Well done to you. It was a brave and scary thing that you did. All you can do now is wait for a response. Better to have torn the plaster off now than wait more months and years. I hope it all works out for you.

I am a friend

SadLass wrote: »

It's not so much a fear of changing the situation. It is a fear of him feeling forced into something he doesn't want. I don't want to marry someone that doesn't want to marry me and is only doing it because he wants me to stop nagging him.

But at this stage will you ever believe that he is doing it because he wants to? You have spoken to him a number of times about it.

I am a friend

SadLass wrote: »

No, sorry, you left out the main part of that sentence where I said "I would marry him tomorrow"

At the moment he's acting as if everything is normal and I told him before we went to bed last night that I don't want to slip back into normality like every other time I've tried to talk to him. He said he understands so I guess its just a case of waiting to see if he'll actually talk to me about where he stands. I think after 7 years its the least I deserve.

Thank you for all the advice.

You need to give this is a timesclae in your own mind or it will drag out again. Whats his motivation to act if there is no change to how ye are together after each talk?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

So its been about 5 weeks since I told my boyfriend how I feel and, as I predicted, he simply slipped back into normal mode. I mentioned it to him twice over the last 5 weeks, told him I hadn't forgotten and I do expect him to talk to me. Again I got "I know" in response and nothing else.

Last night I told him I wanted to talk about it and asked him why he was so reluctant to even speak about. He said "I don't know." Normally at this stage I would give up because there's only so many times I can hear "I don't know." I pressed him further and I asked him if he was unhappy. He said he's not unhappy. I told him that there was obviously a problem that we needed to deal with if, after 7 years, he can't even talk about this issue. Again, "I don't know. My head is just going around in circles." I asked him what he meant and he said "I find it.....overwhelming." I asked what it was that he found overwhelming and he said "I don't know". I told him that I wasn't asking for marriage and babies right now but I do deserve to know where I stand. He said "I know. I know it's not fair to keep you in limbo but I just....I don't know."

And that was that. He literally turned over and went to sleep. We haven't really spoken today. I feel so hurt that the idea of even thinking about taking that next step with me is so abhorrent to him. As a previous poster said, if we're not on the same page after 7 years together chances are we never will be. I guess the decision is mine now. Stick it out in the most likely misguided hope that he will suddenly realise he does want to move forward with me and potentially miss my chance to have a family OR walk. Neither are appealling options right now.

Taltos

OP - after 7 years - if the best he can come out with is "I don't know" I think you have your answer. Might not be the answer you want but it's an answer all the same.

Sorry.

LegacyUser

Op am sorry to see that you are no further on. You seem to think you are not getting an answer from him but you are. He doesn't want this and doesn't have the balls to say that, instead he is saying he doesn't know as it buys him time and it was worked with you so far. You deserve so much more.

I personally would finish with him to hive him space to make up his mind. See if he comes back to you and if he doesn't then that solidifies your answer. Dont waste any more time are there are good guys out there who won't be afraid of marriage and a family with you. Good luck.

PlainP

You deserve more from this relationship than an "I don't know" after seven years.

But.....

He could be scared or have gotton too comfortable within this time. Sometimes men need a gentle push in the right direction, he probably loves you to bits but just needs time to get his head around the "finality" (don't know if this is the right word to use) of growing up I suppose.

It's a massive deal for men and maybe his way of coping is by keeping quiet and not talking but as this issus is so important you need to let him know that you need an answer and after seven years together you deserve one.

Gentle coaxing of the issue spoken under good terms might get him to open up. He might not have seriously thought about these things before but now that the time has come he could just be scared.

Give him time, you have spent seven years together, another few weeks or a couple of months could be the time he needs to get these issues resolved in his own mind.

Good luck.

Ickle Magoo

I think the prospect of getting married and having children is generally considered huge regardless of gender.

OP, the bottom line is he knows this is an enormous issue for you and one you feel you need to discuss and come to some kind of resolution with and he appears to have done absolutely no soul searching or personal discovery in order to have that conversation with you. That shows a degree of uncaring that would hurt me deeply, in your shoes.

Keeping a marriage happy and healthy takes work, parenting is tough - you really need to be able to discuss and have open, constructive conversations on how you feel and why you feel what you do in order to resolve conflict when jointly parenting or sharing a life with someone. That your boyfriend, even after seven years together, either cannot or will not do this really doesn't bode well regardless of any 11th hour change of heart. Do you really want to come up against this wall every time an issue comes up or some aspect of his psychology is affecting your relationship/family?

All the best OP.

curlzy

Jesus H Christ :eek: Honestly OP, you're a better woman than me. If that had happened to me last night and he just turned over and went asleep after repeating "duh, I don't know, duh, I'm scared" I would have been unable to control myself and I would have slapped the head off him. (Probably not, I'm not physically aggressive, but I certainly wouldn't have slept beside him, in fact I would have got up and packed right there and then) I mean come bloody on!!! How old is he? 12? Seriously I get that you love him but he's treating you like sh*t and he's getting away with it. YOU GAVE HIM 5 F*CKING WEEKS AND ALL HE COULD GIVE YOU WAS "I DON'T KNOW"!!!!:mad::mad::mad:

I strongly urge you to walk away at this point, like are you gonna beg him? Or put up with not having the life you want? Are you really that much of a doormat? I'm sorry, I really don't mean to be so mean to you when you're feeling so sad but COME ON!!! Get some self respect and dignity and get the life you want and stop leaving your future in this manboy's hands. For christ's sake get angry and do what's best for you, f*ck sad, get angry and get motivated and get the life you want by moving on from that wreck the head.

Walk away, honestly OP, he's just dicking you around. It sounds to me like it could be that you're Ms RightNow to him and not Ms Right.

You've a good job, you're patient, you're intelligent, I can tell that much from your posts. You'll find a man OP, that wants what you want and wants it with you and won't act like a scared and confused little boy. Honestly OP, I walked away from a f*cked up relationship and found the love of my life 1 month later, I'm now engaged to him and I didn't have to beg. I don't know how you could love Mr Manboy to be honest, he sounds selfish and childish and vacuous and infuriating.

Seriously OP, walk away.

I really wish you all the best and hope you find the strength you need to get through this.

ash23

After 7 year with you, how long does he think it is going to take before he does know?
At this point in the relationship he knows you, he knows what you're like, he should know whether you are the woman he wants to marry.

Truthfully OP, I think you're on to a dead end here.
With my ex, I used to pretty much have to trap him to talk to him about marriage and kids.
We'd been together 5 years and I'd always wanted to get married and have children with him. He used to fob me off and put it on the long finger etc etc. Next year, after we buy a house, after I get my promotion......and on and on it went.
When we were driving somewhere it was the only time I could push the issue because there was no escape from it for him, short of leaping from a moving car.

Eventually he admitted he didn't want children. Then he admitted he didn't want to get married.
He had always been "too afraid" to tell me in case I left.

We split up partly because of that, mainly because he went off with someone younger :rolleyes:

He said he hoped that by the time she wanted marriage and kids, he might want them too.
What a gamble to make with someone elses life eh?

After 7 years he should be sure about where he sees your relationship going. He might just be afraid to tell you.

mood

ash23 wrote: »

Eventually he admitted he didn't want children. Then he admitted he didn't want to get married.

Unfortunately I think this is the case with your boyfriend OP. I would break up with him now so you have time to get over it all and meet someone else.

Baby75

I tend to agree with every one else, if he can not make up his mind now or be open he may never, I have a friend's a couple they got married for the wrong reason's. he did not really want it but they had ( do not really want to go in to the reason why) then the cracks appeared as she wanted children he wanted his music and a baby was not in his plans. eventually they split up both sad as they did care for each other but wanted other things. fast forward and She is engaged and expecting her first baby in September and he has his music

I hope you get your heart desire

daisybelle2008

As he does not know what he wants now and you say you are clear on what you want, you then have to accept that the incompatibility is enough to move on.
If you are 100% clear on what you want then his wish washyness about the issue will be enough for you to end the relationship and cast your net elsewhere with someone who has the same life plans as you. Set each other free as you are both holding each other back.

username123

OP - I think you need to look at this from a different angle.

You think that as long as he says I dont know, he isnt saying no. But he isnt saying yes.

And thats your answer. He is not saying yes and agreeing to the same future you want.

You have given him 7 years and more directly, you have given him 5 weeks.
Its sadly a bit like 'he's just not that into you'. If he wanted you and he wanted to marry you and he wanted children with you - thats what you two would be doing. He is just living the life he wants with no regard for you, your hopes, your wishes, your dreams - and the reason why, is that he doesnt see them as shared hopes, wishes or dreams - but he knows if he tells you that you will leave him, so instead he just says 'i dont know' and because you dont leave he knows he can just keep stringing you along. I mean, you are still there with no answer you want after 7 years - so why would he think that thats gonna change?

Sala

Op you need to decide if you can stay with him, even if you never have kids, or if you need to leave. I'm sure it's very hard to leave someone you love but you need to think can you make those sacrifices for him. I don't think telling him what you want is giving him an "ultimatum"; I know 29 seems young, but to meet a life partner, get married and have children can take years. I think you need a yes or no- fobbing it off will not help you make your decision.

LegacyUser

Hello everyone,

First of all, I just want to thank everyone who has taken the time to reply to me. I really appreciate the outside perspectives. I'm taking everything onboards and while some of it has been hard to face up to I know that these are things I need to acknowledge.

Myself and my boyfriend had another talk the night before last. He explained to me that he felt at this stage he would have done more with his life. He thought he would have gone to college, or travelled or even emigrated. He said that he has all of these things going around in his head for the last year or so and he tried to ignore it instead of facing it. He said that he doesn't know what he's doing with his life. I told him that when he says he doesn't know what he's doing with his life it sounds like he's saying "I don't know what my plans are or if they include you." He said that this isn't how he feels. He said he loves me, I'm the most important person in his life and he wants us to be together. He said that he is worried that I will leave him because he feels that there is so much he still wants to do and that means he can't commit to having children in the next 2 years or so. He got very upset and kept apologising for not talking to me sooner.

I asked him if he does in fact want children and he said he does, 100%. I said "ok, if you're being totally honest with me then we can push it back a few years. I would be willing to wait until 35, once you geneuinely do want them." He said again that he does. I told him that if he wants to go to college I will support him all the way, if he wants to go see the world we'll do it together and if he wants to emigrate we'll start a life somewhere else. I told him that I'm open to all possibilities and I just need him to talk to me.

Then I broached the subject of getting engaged. I asked him why he was so reluctant to get engaged as that wouldn't affect any other plans we could make. He said he didn't know. He said that he always thought that you got engaged and married when you know what you're doing with your life, and he doesn't have a clue what he's at. I told him that I see it differently and I think you get engaged because you love the person and even if you don't know what you're doing with your life you know that you want this person to be part of it. He smiled at me and said "I never thought of it that way." I told him that I feel like I am making a compromise on the children side of things and I would feel a lot more comfortable with that decision if he were to make that commitment to me. He said he understood. He also told me he didn't want me to think that he hasn't spent the last 5 weeks thinking about this because he has. He internalises everything, I just didn't realise the extent of it. He said he's thinking of going to speak to a counsellor to try and get a handle on everything. I told him I think thats a wonderful idea and that I will support him in any way I can.

Am I being taken for a mug?? I genuinely believe this man loves me. I am taking a massive gamble on the children side of things as I know pushing it back could mean it never happens if we have problems conceiving. It does scare me and I do feel he could do more to make me feel more secure but given that we just had this talk I know nothing will happen straight away and we need to talk more.

He's away with work at the moment so I'll talk to him again when he gets home. I don't want to hassle him about it but I also don't want him to bury his head in the sand again. I think the counsellor is a wonderful idea and I'll suggest he goes alone at first and then we could go together. We'll see how things go.

Piliger

Hi OP. I read all of your last post and I am sure many here will be extremely cynical of this guy. I am going to try really hard not to be. I am delighted that at least you broke through his barriers and the subject is now exposed.

I could write a long reply dealing with all of the issues but I won't

I will just say that everything he says is fine and dandy. It makes sense. It may even be that he believes all of it.

However. He is 30 and you've together 7 years ! and really by now he should have grown up and come to some decision. And I don't believe that is unfair.

He is now placing you in a really ghastly position of have to take a huge gamble. You are considering delaying having kids until a time when, if he changes his mind again, you will be left stranded for a life without children !

All based on his ....... wishy washy unwillingness to decide. And I want to be fair to his point of view, but I cannot help but feel in my gut that he is telling you what you want to hear ... to put off his need to make a decision.

I hear you when you talk about love. I really do. But in my humble opinion marriage and kids is about a lot MORE than just love. Love on it's own is simply not good enough. It takes commitment and action and decisions.

I also hear a complete conflict between what he interprets engagement and marriage and what you interpret it as .... this is also not good.

So to cut to the chase. Here's my advice. I think you should tell him that you hear what he says, and you accept his explanations. However you need him to get a grip on his life, and what he wants out of it, and what he is willing to commit to ... and you are giving him until September to decide. Also, he must commit now to talking to a counsellor, and to you on a regular basis, and to openly discussing all of the issues (children, career, achievement, commitment) on a regular basis. In my mind this is the minimum he needs to commit to.

I do not believe you should be committing to his college at this point. Without being too hard on you OP, it is simply too early to give that commitment to someone who is not offering anything in return. That may sound cold ... but we are talking serious life here...not just kissy kissy luvy luvy.

Of course if you give him until September you will still have a huge decision to make. But you will at least have 4 months to assess if he follows through on the other issues and and a basis for making this crucial life choice.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Op has he applied for college? If not then that's another year before he can start and 4 years after that for a degree. Then he has to start at the bottom of the pile with work (usually)...

I personally would not take the risk and give him 12 years of my life before having kids. Have seen it happen numerous times with friends and each time the couples broke up and the guy married someone else within a year. IMHO he can't commit to you after 7 years because he can't commit to you and putting an engagement ring on won't change thet especially seeing as you had to cajole him into it. Move on op and don't waste any more fertile years on this man who is willing to take a risk on your chances of having a kid.

username123

username123 wrote: »

so instead he just says 'i dont know' and because you dont leave he knows he can just keep stringing you along. I mean, you are still there with no answer you want after 7 years - so why would he think that thats gonna change?

So whats changed?

SadLass wrote: »

Myself and my boyfriend had another talk the night before last. He explained to me that he felt at this stage he would have done more with his life. He thought he would have gone to college, or travelled or even emigrated.

This is a complete cop out imo. He is 30. If he wanted to travel or go to college or emigrate - he would have done so. Pipe dreams.
Yeah, Id like to have been a ballerina or a hollywood star or married a millionaire.
What does he think he is gonna do - after 30 years of not getting up of his a$$ and doing any of these things is he gonna join the 22 year olds on the Inca trail? DO me a favour - you surely cant take this seriously from him?

SadLass wrote: »

He said that he has all of these things going around in his head for the last year or so and he tried to ignore it instead of facing it. He said that he doesn't know what he's doing with his life.

Which is how he lives his life - no reason to think that this is going to change. He doesnt even open up unless he is under pressure.

SadLass wrote: »

I would be willing to wait until 35, once you geneuinely do want them." He said again that he does. I told him that if he wants to go to college I will support him all the way, if he wants to go see the world we'll do it together and if he wants to emigrate we'll start a life somewhere else. I told him that I'm open to all possibilities and I just need him to talk to me.

Im telling you now, he doesnt want any of these things, he just wants you to leave him alone and he has gotten what he wants, you have effectively given him more 6 years of not having to make any changes in your life. Unless there was a plane ticket on the table by the weekend - he isnt going anywhere, college, travel, its all just words.

And you are selling your fertility for this rubbish! You do realise that your chances of having a down syndrome baby increase substantially in your late 30s. You do realise that your fertility goes into decline at around 35 and a lot of women are effectively infertile in their 40s? Is he gonna read up on this in 6 years time and decide that actually - lets not take the risk after all?
Does he even understand the implications for a woman of 35 trying to get pregnant for the first time? Do you? Madness. Youre selling yourself out for someone who doesnt respect you or care about your dreams. Why is it all about his dreams? Are your dreams irrelevant?

SadLass wrote: »

He said that he always thought that you got engaged and married when you know what you're doing with your life, and he doesn't have a clue what he's at.

And at what point do you expect him to have a clue what he is at? He is 30 now.

SadLass wrote: »

He said he's thinking of going to speak to a counsellor to try and get a handle on everything.

Thinking about it? Again, not actually doing anything, just having a think. He is a great thinker, Ill give him that.

SadLass wrote: »

H
Am I being taken for a mug?? I genuinely believe this man loves me. I am taking a massive gamble on the children side of things as I know pushing it back could mean it never happens if we have problems conceiving. It does scare me and I do feel he could do more to make me feel more secure but given that we just had this talk I know nothing will happen straight away and we need to talk more.

Yes - totally. You are taking a gamble against massive odds on the fertility aspect of things. However, if you are happier to have this partner than have children then thats your choice. Because I can guarantee you, in 6 years time, you might not be together at all, and if you are, what makes you think he will be ready then? If he decides to go to college (which I dont believe for a minute he will) then he will only be finished and you will be on him to have kids and he will be saying he has to get settled earning money first etc... There'll always be another excuse.

Why are you so willing to accept this below par treatment? Why dont you just leave him and find someone who wants to share in your hopes and dreams and not someone you have to beat like a dray horse and sell your fertility for to try and get him to do what you want? You know you cant control another person, you are trying to make him something he doesnt want to be.

Planning a life with someone should be exciting and fun, not this awful struggle where you actually agree to risk your child bearing years because this eejit still doesnt know what he wants at 30!

SadLass wrote: »

He's away with work at the moment so I'll talk to him again when he gets home. I don't want to hassle him about it but I also don't want him to bury his head in the sand again. I think the counsellor is a wonderful idea and I'll suggest he goes alone at first and then we could go together. We'll see how things go.

Good luck with that. Youve given him 6 years more, thats all he wanted, thats what he got. Forget more talk, he wont be interested. He will be too busy thinking about how his life could have been different if he travelled, or was a cowboy or an astronaut.

Seriously - you need to take your head out of the sand.

strandroad

I agree with username123 OP. Look at how he got you to commit to his plans, whatever they are (he's not sure himself), without committing to any of yours in any meaningful way. he made it all about him and you are so happy to accommodate him... but with someone with his outlook this will never end. Even if you wait out his college, he we will want to travel/find a job/emigrate and he will expect you to submit as you've done so far. Think about how many years will pass for him to finish college and settle down, or finish college and travel. Or finish college and emigrate - when you both need to save for the trip and start, find accommodation, find jobs, sort out your healthcare, maternity... He's 30, has no initiative and still doesn't know what he wants to do, even poked, prodded and given an ultimatum. I'm afraid that you're wasting your time, unless you accept that he's the only child you will have in your life.

leeroybrown

SadLass wrote: »

Myself and my boyfriend had another talk the night before last. He explained to me that he felt at this stage he would have done more with his life. He thought he would have gone to college, or travelled or even emigrated. He said that he has all of these things going around in his head for the last year or so and he tried to ignore it instead of facing it. He said that he doesn't know what he's doing with his life. I told him that when he says he doesn't know what he's doing with his life it sounds like he's saying "I don't know what my plans are or if they include you." He said that this isn't how he feels. He said he loves me, I'm the most important person in his life and he wants us to be together. He said that he is worried that I will leave him because he feels that there is so much he still wants to do and that means he can't commit to having children in the next 2 years or so. He got very upset and kept apologising for not talking to me sooner.

So in effect he's spent the last 10 years procrastinating rather than doing the things he "felt" he would have done. Seven of those years he managed to spend with you without putting any thought into your future together. What is he actually planning to do? Has he picked a college course (most of which he's too late for this year)? Has he started considering travel plans? Is he thinking about emigrating to find a new challenge abroad? How's he even going to scratch the surface of this in the next two years. It sounds like he likes the idea of all of these but will never commit to doing them.

Maybe I'm completely wrong but my expectation would be that in two years time he still won't have even scratched the surface of these grand ideas and still won't be ready to settle down.

Floppybits

I hate to say it OP but I think this guy is stringing you along. I think you need to start making your own plans and stop waiting on him to make up his mind. By the age of 30 most people have thought about what they want to do in life and have made the necessary steps to set about achieving those things, your guy hasn't done any of that.

Unfortunately OP, like a lot of other posters have said this guy is just keeps stringing you along. Break up and get on with getting on with your life and stop waiting on him to figure out what he is going to do.

Baby75

just my thoughts, but whats stopping him (you both) having children now and still doing the things he wants to do!!! I had my first baby when my husband was in college, we managed fine, I went back to college when we had our second, we emigrated when we had 3 children had a 4th abroad then we came home:) my husband then went to college again and retrained completely and is working in that profession now (computers) we had our 5'th baby a year ago ( we love children)
My point is:
you can still live your dream's children do not stop you achieving them or living your life! on less you let them! for us it made our journey so far a great one! We have no regrets.

Some times waiting for the right time means it never happens as for some there is never a right time!!!!

just one point on waiting for a baby till your 35! what if you wait and it takes ages to get pregnant then have your baby and suddenly realize you love 3 or 4 children and you don't have enough time or because of being older or what ever it never happens. I did not know when we started I would have as many as I do now, 1 or 3 I always thought! but we knew our family wasn't complete and I was lucky we could have them, and some may think it was easy it wasn't at all 2 years and more trying for 3 of them! the longing for a baby be it your first or third etc if your trying and its just not happening can be very hard to deal with and very emotional. something you may come to regret and hold resentment towards him if it happens some years down the line.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I really think that you and your OH are getting a very rough time here. I think it's good news that he said he 100% wants children and that he does want to be with you. I totally see where username123 and others are coming from and I agree that he's a great thinker altogether:rolleyes: and very wishy-washy.

HOWEVER, I also see your OH's point of view. In fairness you told him you needed an answer and you've got one, he does want what you want, just not yet. You said yourself at the start that you didn't want kids just yet either, you just needed to know where you both were headed. Well now you do know.

I can't argue with statistics but my mother was 32 having me, 37 having my brother and 42 having my little sister, she had no problems conceiving (in fact lil sis was a surprise) and we were all born perfect. So yeah while it's a gamble I think it can turn out fine to leave having kids late. I don't plan on starting until I'm around 35 myself. Personally I find the thoughts of having kids is hugely daunting. Luckily for me my financee would like to be a stay at home dad so I can continue working without argument Maybe your OH is like me and knows he would like them some day but is a bit daunted by the life changing epicness of the decision?

I think all relationships are a gamble really. You might be gambling that he won't have kids when it comes down to it, another girl is gambling that her fella won't cheat on her on holiday etc etc etc. At the end of the day we can only have faith that other people are telling the truth, granted if they lie to you then learn from it, but there's no point living life wondering if everthing is a lie.

You say yourself that you believe him. So then give him your trust. However I would stick to the fact that you would like to be more secure and engaged. Discuss time limits with him, i.e I would tell him outright that as you are willing to support him in travel, emigration or college, you would like some commitment in return. I also think couple's counselling is a great idea as you can work out your future plans etc.

If you think he tells lies or that he will just change his mind then yes walk away. But if you think he's being honest and open and you love him then I think you should enjoy life as it is and continue to enjoying live together. But if there's no sign of an engagement ring soon then I would consider having another talk.