7 years: I want kids, he doesn't, but I don't want to break up.

LegacyUser · 07-04-2012 03:36AM #1

Background: He’s 30, I’m 29 and we’ve been together for 7 years. We’re renting with no plans to buy a house, unmarried and no children.

I love him very much and I know he loves me, but I just feel that he’s coasting right now. We’re together a long time and there seems to be no plans whatsoever to move forward in our relationship. He has been aware since the beginning of our relationship that I really want children at some stage. He says he does too but anytime I try to talk about any sort of timeline for even thinking about having kids he closes down. He becomes evasive and does his best to change the subject. Asking him if he does in fact actually want children results in “yes, of course” and no more.

It’s the same with marriage. I would like to get married at some point. I love him and I want to spend my life with him. He claims he wants marriage too but again, as with the children talk, he closes down and won’t have an actual discussion.
I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I am going to have to choose between having kids and being with this man. In my heart of hearts I don’t believe he is being honest when he says he wants children and marriage. Or if he does want these things, he doesn’t want them with me.

I don’t want to lose him and I guess I need advice on how I can accept that I won’t be having children if I stay with him. Has anyone been in this situation? Were you able to make that choice successfully and without resentment? I simply feel sad. Just really, really sad.

I am a friend · 07-04-2012 07:26AM

Why would you give-up your dream of kids and marriage to be with someone who, after 7 years, won't give you a straight answer and timeline about your future????

You also need to ask why you are handing him full control of how your future pans out?? Surely you should be driving that?? I don't get why you are suppressing your dreams for him? have you thought about all this op? No one is worth giving up your dreams for hon...

You are young and will meet someone else. I was in a similar position and we broke up (for that reason and others) and like your case he told me for years he wanted kids etc but admitted at the end he lied cos he didn't want to lose me

I now have a new baby with someone so much better suited to me... You can too xx

ihsb · 07-04-2012 08:32AM

He lied to you... you made it clear what you wanted from the beginning and he doesn't even have the guts to admit that he doesn't want what you want. Get out while you are still young enough to meet someone else and get married and have your babies. I know you love him but will you always hate him for making you give up your dream?

P. Breathnach · 07-04-2012 09:23AM

SadLass wrote: »

... I just feel that he’s coasting right now....

I'm inclined to agree with those who responded before me, but want to focus on the one sentence above. Perhaps he just needs shaking up.

In any relationship, people like to get into a comfortable state. It's possible that he really does share your dream of marriage and children, but things are so comfortable for him at present that he is giving the short term priority over the longer term (that's a complicated way of saying that he couldn't be arsed unless the issue is forced).

I suggest that you lay it on the line for him. Don't ask. Take a stronger position and put him on notice: unless he agrees to set a date for marriage and accepts that your view of marriage is that you have a family, then you are leaving. Give him a deadline to respond - it's hard to say how long to allow, but more than a day or two and less than months.

I am a friend · 07-04-2012 10:21AM

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I'm inclined to agree with those who responded before me, but want to focus on the one sentence above. Perhaps he just needs shaking up.

In any relationship, people like to get into a comfortable state. It's possible that he really does share your dream of marriage and children, but things are so comfortable for him at present that he is giving the short term priority over the longer term (that's a complicated way of saying that he couldn't be arsed unless the issue is forced).

I suggest that you lay it on the line for him. Don't ask. Take a stronger position and put him on notice: unless he agrees to set a date for marriage and accepts that your view of marriage is that you have a family, then you are leaving. Give him a deadline to respond - it's hard to say how long to allow, but more than a day or two and less than months.

I see the logic here but do you not think thats an ultimatum? I would hate to force someone into marriage and kids and have it thrown back in my face some day..

I would think having a chat about the birds and the bees is essential, clearly explaining the time limitations on women having kids and for the OP to explain she wants marriage as well. I would see what comes out of that conversation but have a timescale set in my own head by which time he would need to get moving...

dellas1979 · 07-04-2012 10:25AM

It is 100% possible to be in love with someone yet both want different things, and at different stages in our lives.

Well done for trying to talk to him already, although its gotton nowhere. If you want answers, you are going to have to get a little tougher and tell him exactly where you feel you stand. But here is the thing, you may open up a can of worms and get the answer you dont want. You must prepare yourself for this. Maybe try a slightly different approach-tell him exactly whats going on with you, that you want to move forward in your own life and you want it to be with him, but what he is offering for currently at present and in the future is not what you want for yourself-dont push for an answer there and then, give him a little time to mull it over, but make it clear you are expecting a reply to this.

P. Breathnach · 07-04-2012 10:45AM

I am a friend wrote: »

I see the logic here but do you not think thats an ultimatum?

Yes, I'm suggesting an ultimatum.

I would hate to force someone into marriage and kids and have it thrown back in my face some day.

But the situation is that OP's partner has said that he also wants marriage and children; he's just not following through on his words. So the ultimatum can be set in that context: "Look, you have said that you would like to get married and start a family. So here's where I now stand..."

I would think having a chat about the birds and the bees is essential, clearly explaining the time limitations on women having kids and for the OP to explain she wants marriage as well. I would see what comes out of that conversation but have a timescale set in my own head by which time he would need to get moving...

What you suggest is not fundamentally different from my proposal. Effectively, the difference is that I think he should be told the timescale for decision-making. I'm suggesting the stronger line because of what OP said about his seeming to be coasting, and my interpretation that he needs a big wake-up call.

It's OP's call. She might follow your recommendation, or mine, or neither.

I am a friend · 07-04-2012 10:50AM

Well my fear is that he would agree to get married and have kids etc to keep her but not really want it... Chances are in 5/10/15 years his frustration would kick in and there could be resentment from his side.

OP its a hard one - either you grow to resent him or chances are if he is 'forced' into a family situation then he could grow to resent you. i think its better to meet someone on the same page as you rather than forcing someone to change...

Meller · 07-04-2012 12:54PM

Maybe he backs out of it because he doesn't want any of those things just yet? You are both still very young. 30 is considered a big milestone, though, especially when it comes to things like kids and marriage - but you've barely hit it yet, so maybe he just needs time to adjust to the fact he's actually gotten older and reached the stage where he should seriously thinking about this. A lot of people don't want to be thinking about children in their twenties.

I don't know why you've resigned yourself to not getting what you want - you know him better than anyone, of course, but you're still young!

If you suspect he's just trying to appease you with the 'yes, of course' response, then call him out on it. Ask if he's just saying that and if it's what he really wants. Don't let him back out this time, but don't make him feel like you're going to try force him into doing something he's not quite ready for too soon either. It's a BIG deal, after all; try being patient and understanding and consider how he might be feeling about it, and hopefully he'll return the favour.

Elmidena · 07-04-2012 01:42PM

OP, I think that these issues are bigger in your mind than they should be in reality; you have another decade of chidbearing potentiality in you at least, and have said that you want a marriage and kids "at some point". You're renting with no intention to buy a house but you sounded fine with that; are you feeling in a rut and want to advance for some reason?

Money could be an issue; weddings can be pricy and he might want to do it right, and if there's a child then that's a long term financial stability requirement. Unless you're both in great jobs, that means very little in terms of disposable income and it could be that that's so unappealing to him.

I think you're putting too much focus on this and want something in stone for the sake of something in stone. The more you bring it up the more he'll dig his heels in with his uncertainty and wishes to change the subject, or he'll feel coerced to go along with your wishes and down the line that would very likely be a volcanic eruption in your partnership.

If you let the subject cool off then he might be more willing to approach you with a conversation concerning them, rather than feeling put on the spot. You want these things some day, and don't want to break up, so don't! Just relax and take each day as it comes until you have a definite desire for a "now" rather than a "some day"

iguana · 07-04-2012 05:10PM

Elmidena wrote: »

OP, I think that these issues are bigger in your mind than they should be in reality; you have another decade of chidbearing potentiality in you at least, and have said that you want a marriage and kids "at some point".

Actually a woman's fertility peaks between the ages of 22 and 26 and starts a rapid decline from 30 onwards. By age 30 1 in 6 women are naturally infertile, by age 35 1 in 4 women are, by 40 half of women are and of those who do get pregnant they have a 33% miscarriage rate. The older you get the harder it is to get pregnant, the tougher pregnancy is on your body and, worst of all, the odds of you having healthy baby decrease.

Also the OP said she wants a baby 'at some stage' 7 years ago, now she wants to start having the discussions about when that stage might be. Something that is pretty normal to want in a relationship that is 7 years old.

OP, my advice is to make it clear that you want to talk it through. Maybe tell your boyfriend in advance that you want this discussion. Tell him you are unhappy with how things are and you need to have this talk. Tell him you appreciate that he may need time to think about it so he doesn't have to be ready to talk right there and then but you want to set aside a time to talk, over the May Bank for example, and you want him to be ready to talk then. Then, unless he says he is ready to talk there and then, change the subject and don't mention it again until the set time. It will also give you a few weeks to really think about exactly what you are hoping for. If when that time comes around he still won't talk, then you'll know that he is either not interested enough in you and your future or that he sees that future as something too far off to be worthy of talking about, either of which is an answer to you in some way.

I am a friend · 07-04-2012 05:48PM

Elmidena wrote: »

; you have another decade of chidbearing potentiality in you at least

Why should she wait another decade for him to decide, if he cant know after 7 years and living together

Also why should she take any risk that she may not have kids because he is sitting on the fence :mad:

LegacyUser · 07-04-2012 07:16PM

Thank you all for your responses. I know I need to talk to him about it but it seems that no matter what approach I take he won't do it. Then I get frustrated and annoyed and end up feeling like an unreasonable nag. I'm at the stage now where I'm getting asked about when we're getting married, having kids, and while I don't want these things because of people's questions or because I see my friends moving on in their relationships, it does bring it home to me that it will most likely never happen for me.

Elmidena wrote: »

you have another decade of chidbearing potentiality in you at least,

I don't want to be in my late 30s, early 40s and only then trying for a baby. I don't to be 60 years old when my child is starting college. I don't want to have an increased risk to my pregnancy or, god forbid, not be able to get pregnant at all. I'm not asking that he knocks me up right now, but rather that he gives me some indication of when he thinks he would like to start trying for a family.

and have said that you want a marriage and kids "at some point".

I have said this throughout our relationship over the last 7 years. I didn't just decide this now.

You're renting with no intention to buy a house but you sounded fine with that;

I'm not really fine with it at all. I don't want to buy a house right this second given how the market is but it would be nice to even start some sort of savings for when the time comes. This isn't even on his radar. It is another thing I have tried talking to him about.

are you feeling in a rut and want to advance for some reason?

I guess I am feeling in a rut. I feel like I have no control over my future and that it all rests in his hands.

Money could be an issue; weddings can be pricy and he might want to do it right, and if there's a child then that's a long term financial stability requirement. Unless you're both in great jobs, that means very little in terms of disposable income and it could be that that's so unappealing to him.

I have told them if we were to get married I would want it to be a simply registry office affair and he has never indicated that he would want otherwise.

He spent thousands on a 2 seater sports car last year and he regularly spends hundreds on his hobby. This shows me that he has no long-term plans. We are both in comfortable enough jobs, not exactly on massive salaries but we would manage. Again though, I'm not asking for all of this right now. I just want to know if it's even in his plans. At the moment it doesn't seem to be and he won't talk to me about it not matter how I approach it.

I think you're putting too much focus on this and want something in stone for the sake of something in stone. The more you bring it up the more he'll dig his heels in with his uncertainty and wishes to change the subject, or he'll feel coerced to go along with your wishes and down the line that would very likely be a volcanic eruption in your partnership.

If you let the subject cool off then he might be more willing to approach you with a conversation concerning them, rather than feeling put on the spot. You want these things some day, and don't want to break up, so don't! Just relax and take each day as it comes until you have a definite desire for a "now" rather than a "some day"

I appreciate where you are coming from but I have spent 7 years with this man and I am at the point now where I just want to know if it's ever going to happen. I haven't been pestering him with this constantly, in fact, I rarely bring it up in a serious sense, but when I do he shuts down and I get nothing other than vague assurances that he does want the same things but nothing more. I can't face another 7 years of uncertainty and then have him tell me that he doesn't want anything like that with me. I try to resign myself to the fact that this is as far as our relationship is going and that I need to just accept it if I want to be with him, but another part of me feels that I shouldn't have to just accept it and he should tell me where I stand.

Elmidena · 07-04-2012 07:35PM

The advice I gave was based on her not wanting to break up with him....as for the fertility some interesting stats there but a lot is down to hereditary/medical history/smoking etc as well. I just meant it wasn't the end of the world right this moment that she still had a good long future. I was conceived at 42, the exception to the rule I know but there's a lot of medical assistance available nowadays that helps conception (fertility pills, IVF, surrogacy with a fertilised egg). Wasn't advocating putting it on the long finger, just trying to help clear the storm clouds a bit and as I said, based off her not wanting to end it with him

tinkerbell · 07-04-2012 07:42PM

Elmidena wrote: »

there's a lot of medical assistance available nowadays that helps conception (fertility pills, IVF, surrogacy with a fertilised egg). Wasn't advocating putting it on the long finger, just trying to help clear the storm clouds a bit and as I said, based off her not wanting to end it with him

First of all, regardless if IVF etc is an option, it costs thousands and thousands and not many people have that kind of spare cash to spend on fertility treatments which may not even work.

To the OP, you have been together 7 years, you need to have a serious chat with him and discuss your future. If you're not on the same page by now, you prob never will be.

LegacyUser · 07-04-2012 11:43PM

I am a friend wrote: »

Well my fear is that he would agree to get married and have kids etc to keep her but not really want it... Chances are in 5/10/15 years his frustration would kick in and there could be resentment from his side.

OP its a hard one - either you grow to resent him or chances are if he is 'forced' into a family situation then he could grow to resent you. i think its better to meet someone on the same page as you rather than forcing someone to change...

This is a huge worry for me. I don't want to force him into something he doesn't want. To be honest, if he proposed to me tomorrow I would probably say no because I think he genuinely doesn't want to marry me and I would feel like he was only doing it because he doesn't want us to break up. That probably sounds ridiculous but I don't think I could marry someone when I don't believe their heart is in it.

My head is wrecked at the moment. Most of the time I'm fine and I just get on with things and enjoy being together, but every now and then it hits me hard and I feel so incredibly sad.

I appreciate all of the advice. I have a lot of thinking to do.

Baby75 · 08-04-2012 04:50PM

Good Luck its a hard one! I think your gut knows already go with it!

leeroybrown · 08-04-2012 05:26PM

The real problem here is that the two of you you have been together seven years and can't seem to sit down (as a couple) and have a proper discussion about this. That basic direct communication on long-term issues is incredibly important if you're considering marriage, kids, etc. Without it that long term commitment is is on really poor footing.

I'd also strongly advise against an ultimatum on the issue. Ultimatums bring different responses from different people and quite often they're not necessarily the ideal response. You could be very strong willed on the issue of communication and his not opening up about the subject of marriage/kids but if you start bringing timelines, etc into it to force him to marry and have kids you may as well just break up with him. I know it sounds harsh but it's just my opinion.

I am a friend · 08-04-2012 05:34PM

Ok so you are ok most of the time. What happens when another 2 years passes and you are ok less of the time? Then another two etc etc

The easiest thing to do here, like he is, is to sit on the fence. The only difference is that mother mature has a limit on how long you can sit if you do want kids.

P. Breathnach · 08-04-2012 05:56PM

SadLass wrote: »

This is a huge worry for me. I don't want to force him into something he doesn't want. To be honest, if he proposed to me tomorrow I would probably say no because I think he genuinely doesn't want to marry me and I would feel like he was only doing it because he doesn't want us to break up. That probably sounds ridiculous but I don't think I could marry someone when I don't believe their heart is in it.

And you think he is coasting?

Think about it: you are seven years into a relationship; you want to marry; you want children; he says he wants the same. He's not following through, and it seems that he might be getting all of what he wants, while you are not getting all that you want. And I suspect that you hear the ticking of the biological clock. And now you express a fear of changing the situation. But you are here because you want the situation to change.

As for marrying you because he doesn't want the relationship to break up: can't it be said that is what marriage is about? It's making a public and legal declaration that you are in a relationship that you consider permanent.

My head is wrecked at the moment. Most of the time I'm fine and I just get on with things and enjoy being together, but every now and then it hits me hard and I feel so incredibly sad.

Is it right that you have to experience such sadness? What you want is not at all unreasonable. Have you let him know that you feel this way?

I appreciate all of the advice. I have a lot of thinking to do.

Poor you! I am torn between offering you a virtual hug and a virtual shaking. Do make sure that he understands what is important to you.

LegacyUser · 08-04-2012 06:20PM

P. Breathnach wrote: »

And you think he is coasting?

Think about it: you are seven years into a relationship; you want to marry; you want children; he says he wants the same. He's not following through, and it seems that he might be getting all of what he wants, while you are not getting all that you want. And I suspect that you hear the ticking of the biological clock. And now you express a fear of changing the situation. But you are here because you want the situation to change.

It's not so much a fear of changing the situation. It is a fear of him feeling forced into something he doesn't want. I don't want to marry someone that doesn't want to marry me and is only doing it because he wants me to stop nagging him.

P. Breathnach wrote: »

As for marrying you because he doesn't want the relationship to break up: can't it be said that is what marriage is about? It's making a public and legal declaration that you are in a relationship that you consider permanent.

Oh I know, and I agree with you. But I don't think he sees it that way. I just don't believe that after all these years, and after numerous attempts to have a discussion about it, that it is something he actually wants. I mean, if I would marry him tomorrow if I thought he wanted to because I love him and I want to spend my life with him. He could never say the same thing about me.

I feel like we're really separate. When he bought the car my mam was cracking jokes about how we'd never fit a kid in the back of it and he just shrugged it off. It never even entered his head that he's going to have this car for a good few years and that maybe it was something to consider.

Is it right that you have to experience such sadness? What you want is not at all unreasonable. Have you let him know that you feel this way?

I told him earlier how I feel. I've been really off with him the last few days and I haven't been very fair so I explained why I was off and I apologised for it. I asked him to just listen to me and to take in what I was saying. I told him I didn't want him to say anything in response but that I wanted him to think about what he wants to happen and to be honest with me. I told him my fears about the situation and I made sure to stay calm and (almost) tear free. I'm not going to push it right now but he knows he needs to have a proper conversation with me at some stage very soon.

Poor you! I am torn between offering you a virtual hug and a virtual shaking. Do make sure that he understands what is important to you.

Thanks. I'm wrecking my own head so I do appreciate the considerate nature of all the replies here.

Kimia · 08-04-2012 08:53PM

To be honest OP I think you've done all you can do. You have explained to him how you feel and unless he completely surprises you very soon, I think you have realized by now that this relationship is not going to give you what you want. That's why you're so sad.

After that, you need to figure out if you are willing to live with what he can give you. I know you feel out of control, but you have the opportunity to take it back. It will be tough though.

mackmuffin · 08-04-2012 09:14PM

I think he's rehearsed his answer being honest and is just spinning you a line to keep you quiet

gowayouttadat · 08-04-2012 09:23PM

fair dues for having the conversation. to be honest before i read your last post i was just about to say you should speak to him, tell him you don't want a response straight away and let him think about it.

my own experience is this... i'm with my other half 11 years this month, we have a two and a half year old boy. the pregnancy was unplanned and totally unexpected. since our little boy was born i've been anxious to get married. it's just my own personal opinion but i prefer the thought of his parents being married. i hate how my boyfriend and son have a different surname to me. i broached the subject with my boyfriend a few times, we has always been very difficult to have serious conversations with. finally last november i sat him down, told him what i wanted and when, explained how it could be a small ceremony etc, told him i didn't want him to reply straight away, just to think about it and i'd ask him in a few days what he thought. in a few days time i asked him if he'd thought about it and he agreed to get married.

i know 100% he'd be happy to keep going as we are however we're getting married in 1 month because he knows how much it means to me. he explained at the time that he had no problem marrying me it was the thought of the big day etc that put him off. we had never been to anything except the standard irish weather so he didn't have any concept of how you could do things differently. he was completely freaked by the thought of a big wedding.

P. Breathnach · 08-04-2012 10:05PM

SadLass wrote: »

... I love him and I want to spend my life with him. He could never say the same thing about me....

After seven years together? I really hope that you are wrong.

strandroad · 08-04-2012 10:18PM

SadLass wrote: »

I told him earlier how I feel. I've been really off with him the last few days and I haven't been very fair so I explained why I was off and I apologised for it. I asked him to just listen to me and to take in what I was saying. I told him I didn't want him to say anything in response but that I wanted him to think about what he wants to happen and to be honest with me. I told him my fears about the situation and I made sure to stay calm and (almost) tear free. I'm not going to push it right now but he knows he needs to have a proper conversation with me at some stage very soon.

I strongly believe that this is the best you could have done and fair dues for not going too emotional on it. You deserve an honest answer, you asked for it but you gave him enough time to think things through as he may not know the answer today; not necessarily because he's against the plans or being inconsiderate but perhaps he is indeed coasting and happy to continue this way so he never gave it the attention it deserves.

Please have this talk again some time down the line, don't leave it too long though so that you don't fall back into the old comfy routine which will be hard to shake.

LegacyUser · 09-04-2012 01:27PM

P. Breathnach wrote: »

After seven years together? I really hope that you are wrong.

No, sorry, you left out the main part of that sentence where I said "I would marry him tomorrow"

At the moment he's acting as if everything is normal and I told him before we went to bed last night that I don't want to slip back into normality like every other time I've tried to talk to him. He said he understands so I guess its just a case of waiting to see if he'll actually talk to me about where he stands. I think after 7 years its the least I deserve.

Thank you for all the advice.

dellas1979 · 09-04-2012 02:31PM

Well done to you. It was a brave and scary thing that you did. All you can do now is wait for a response. Better to have torn the plaster off now than wait more months and years. I hope it all works out for you.

I am a friend · 09-04-2012 03:34PM

SadLass wrote: »

It's not so much a fear of changing the situation. It is a fear of him feeling forced into something he doesn't want. I don't want to marry someone that doesn't want to marry me and is only doing it because he wants me to stop nagging him.

But at this stage will you ever believe that he is doing it because he wants to? You have spoken to him a number of times about it.

I am a friend · 09-04-2012 03:35PM

SadLass wrote: »

No, sorry, you left out the main part of that sentence where I said "I would marry him tomorrow"

At the moment he's acting as if everything is normal and I told him before we went to bed last night that I don't want to slip back into normality like every other time I've tried to talk to him. He said he understands so I guess its just a case of waiting to see if he'll actually talk to me about where he stands. I think after 7 years its the least I deserve.

Thank you for all the advice.

You need to give this is a timesclae in your own mind or it will drag out again. Whats his motivation to act if there is no change to how ye are together after each talk?

LegacyUser · 15-05-2012 11:04PM

Hi all,

So its been about 5 weeks since I told my boyfriend how I feel and, as I predicted, he simply slipped back into normal mode. I mentioned it to him twice over the last 5 weeks, told him I hadn't forgotten and I do expect him to talk to me. Again I got "I know" in response and nothing else.

Last night I told him I wanted to talk about it and asked him why he was so reluctant to even speak about. He said "I don't know." Normally at this stage I would give up because there's only so many times I can hear "I don't know." I pressed him further and I asked him if he was unhappy. He said he's not unhappy. I told him that there was obviously a problem that we needed to deal with if, after 7 years, he can't even talk about this issue. Again, "I don't know. My head is just going around in circles." I asked him what he meant and he said "I find it.....overwhelming." I asked what it was that he found overwhelming and he said "I don't know". I told him that I wasn't asking for marriage and babies right now but I do deserve to know where I stand. He said "I know. I know it's not fair to keep you in limbo but I just....I don't know."

And that was that. He literally turned over and went to sleep. We haven't really spoken today. I feel so hurt that the idea of even thinking about taking that next step with me is so abhorrent to him. As a previous poster said, if we're not on the same page after 7 years together chances are we never will be. I guess the decision is mine now. Stick it out in the most likely misguided hope that he will suddenly realise he does want to move forward with me and potentially miss my chance to have a family OR walk. Neither are appealling options right now.

7 years: I want kids, he doesn't, but I don't want to break up.

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