Controlling boyfriends/girlfriends

Princess Peach · 07-04-2012 07:04PM

Friend of mine has been with her boyfriend for 8/9 years. He spent most of the early years of the relationship hitting her. Often if we had nights out he would come early and take her away. She has broken up with him a thousand times but he just keeps calling her and going over to her house till she gets back with him.

She's a dope, and I gave up a while ago giving her advice cause she won't listen.

eviltwin · 07-04-2012 07:06PM

Princess Peach wrote: »

Friend of mine has been with her boyfriend for 8/9 years. He spent most of the early years of the relationship hitting her. Often if we had nights out he would come early and take her away. She has broken up with him a thousand times but he just keeps calling her and going over to her house till she gets back with him.

She's a dope, and I gave up a while ago giving her advice cause she won't listen.

Ask her to call Women's Aid.

harney · 07-04-2012 07:07PM

Gummy Panda wrote: »

Today he makes her drop out of college, tomorrow he'll have her selling her ass on a street corner.

Give her a slap and tell her to cope on

The op said she was smart, not hot.

Old Tom · 07-04-2012 07:09PM

eviltwin wrote: »

Easy to say that on the outside looking in. This is not normal behaviour and any woman or man who allows themselves to be controlled like this has issues that need addressing not slagging off. She could come from a background where she was broken down by her parents emotionally to the extent that she was an easy target for this guy. We don't know. Either way she needs to get out before this guy gets violent or shuts her off from society completely.

Easy to say, yeah maybe.
I wouldn't be making such statements in "Personal Issues", however this thread isn't there (yet?). In "After Hours" I'm relaxed and I won't be debating about psychology of difficult relationships.

You, of course, can go ahead sir.

Gummy Panda · 07-04-2012 07:11PM

Dudess wrote: »

Confidence can be chipped away over time to the point that the abused party becomes dependent on their abuser for any crumbs they throw their way. Often they can't even see it - or refuse to.

True. Its basic Stockholm syndrome by the end.

Dudess · 07-04-2012 07:13PM

Old Tom wrote: »

eviltwin wrote: »

Easy to say that on the outside looking in. This is not normal behaviour and any woman or man who allows themselves to be controlled like this has issues that need addressing not slagging off. She could come from a background where she was broken down by her parents emotionally to the extent that she was an easy target for this guy. We don't know. Either way she needs to get out before this guy gets violent or shuts her off from society completely.

Easy to say, yeah maybe.
I wouldn't be making such statements in "Personal Issues", however this thread isn't there (yet?). In "After Hours" I'm relaxed and I won't be debating about psychology of difficult relationships.

just throwing out any auld thing you feel like then? Isn't that kinda trolling?

eviltwin · 07-04-2012 07:15PM

Old Tom wrote: »

Easy to say, yeah maybe.
I wouldn't be making such statements in "Personal Issues", however this thread isn't there (yet?). In "After Hours" I'm relaxed and I won't be debating about psychology of difficult relationships.

You, of course, can go ahead sir.

Regardless of where its posted its an important issue and should be treated as such.

And its ma'am

BluesBerry · 07-04-2012 07:16PM

eviltwin wrote: »

Ask her to call Women's Aid.

Womens Aid is a fantastic service! this is good advice your friend needs support A member of my family has used this service and it really helped her
If your friend told you about the reason for leaving college maybe she said it for help abused women generally keep things to themselves

Old Tom · 07-04-2012 07:19PM

Dudess wrote: »

just throwing out any auld thing you feel like then? Isn't that kinda trolling?

Yes it is. Ban me for not being a good Samaritan.

I'm afraid it could have been true when someone said that AH's gone to ****.
It's either "Look I have eaten my aunt's chair" type of totally idiotic threads some find very funny or pure bull about toxic relationships, homeless guys seeking advice or other tragic events or circumstances - for good Samaritans only.

Whatever, seeya.

Dudess · 07-04-2012 07:21PM

I can't ban you.

Adhamh · 07-04-2012 07:33PM

I know this isn't quite the same thing, but I have a friend who is actually really submissive and unsure of himself and in any relationship he's been in, the girl walks all over him- not because they're controlling naturally, but rather his absence of any 'backbone' allows this behaviour to develop over the few years, and these girls wouldn't have ended up like this with someone else.

wasislos · 07-04-2012 07:35PM

Jaysis il hold me hands up and say in myfirst serious ship I was controllin and abusive cos she was jus so good at socialising with other guys . I got so jelly.ive learnt my lesson if u get with a super hot chick ul have to live with that stuff. This case disgusting tho

Local-womanizer · 07-04-2012 07:37PM

wasislos wrote: »

Jaysis il hold me hands up and say in myfirst serious ship I was controllin and abusive cos she was jus so good at socialising with other guys . I got so jelly.ive learnt my lesson if u get with a super hot chick ul have to live with that stuff. This case disgusting tho

Ah, your in the Navy I see!

saa · 07-04-2012 07:41PM

I had three very close friends and now one of them lives every second for her boyfriend and doesn't see anything beyond him, the other keeps splitting and getting back with an alcoholic/angry fool who is dragging her down she keeps trying to get on her feet, good intentions get fit, get a job, stop drinking so much but she is trapped in her situation and has to care for a few family members so when he is nice to her that is the only thing she looks forward to and over looks everything else. And the third just came out of a controlling relationship and was sectioned because she knew she needed to make the leap but to all you folk just telling people ah just get out its not always possible you have no idea how messed up mentally and financially these relationships leave people.

I feel like I've lost all my friends and I've tried for years to support and offer ways for them to help themselves its not always possible but when it is man it is a struggle.

LilyCricket · 07-04-2012 07:41PM

steddyeddy wrote: »

One of the smartest girls in my college has recently chucked in her degree course because her boyfriends jealous of a: her talking to other boys and b: her doing a course to further her career. Hes allowed to talk to other girls and do a course but sees no problem with the double standard there. I hadnt found out why she left college until today and having met the chap a few tiems it all makes sense. Do you have any friends who are controlled by their boyfriend/girlfriend and does it annoy you?

where are her parents in all this?

ff sakes

matrim · 07-04-2012 07:50PM

LilyCricket wrote: »

where are her parents in all this?

ff sakes

What can her parents do if she is over 18 and living away from home?

LilyCricket · 07-04-2012 07:53PM

matrim wrote: »

What can her parents do if she is over 18 and living away from home?

I know my parents would have kicked my stupid ass into touch pretty quick.

Snowie · 07-04-2012 08:12PM

Dudess wrote: »

Included in my assessment.

is it a thesis can i have read of it please and could you please note all references thank you

Gummy Panda · 07-04-2012 09:00PM

saa wrote: »

I feel like I've lost all my friends and I've tried for years to support and offer ways for them to help themselves its not always possible but when it is man it is a struggle.

Thats pretty sad

--LOS-- · 08-04-2012 01:19AM

Yes I used to be with someone like that, they would just show up unannounced at college on lunch breaks etc dragging me away from the rest of my class, waiting around for me after exams etc, you can misinterpret these kinds of things as nice gestures but it's really super controlling. The jealousy thing ofc went hand in hand with that kind of behaviour too, obsessing about one guy in particular who was gay so any fears about my interaction with that person were totally unfounded. Turning up to collect me everywhere, when I look back the earliest signs I definitely misinterpreted as him being nice and caring, such as never letting me walk anywhere alone.

steddyeddy · 08-04-2012 05:06PM

LilyCricket wrote: »

where are her parents in all this?

ff sakes

Sorry for the reply both parents are dead unfortunatly. She lost them at an early age and she has no brothers or sisters

LilyCricket · 08-04-2012 05:20PM

steddyeddy wrote: »

Sorry for the reply both parents are dead unfortunatly. She lost them at an early age and she has no brothers or sisters

That is awful, God love her.

08-04-2012 05:34PM

I can't believe the amount of people saying that to let yourself be controlled makes you an idiot.

It's called being CONTROLLED for a reason. You have no control over it yourself.

It's also not an insecurity thing. In my experience of being controlled, and from what I've seen of it happening to people I know, the person starts off being pretty popular, loud, sociable, and it's almost like it's those very qualities about them that makes their boyfriend jealous. I'm sure plenty of insecure people get controlled, but I really think it's ridiculous that some people here are blaming the person who slowly gets broken down into a scared wreck.

The controller, however, is most definitely insecure. And idiotic, and at fault. Not the other way round.

JohnMarston · 08-04-2012 05:36PM

I've known a few guys like that, controlling their girlfriends with intensity. But then when they are alone with just the guys they talk about other girls they know and "giving them one"

Thing about it is they think theyre entitled to act that way because the ego of guys like that are so bloated.
It made me so sick at one point that i started making excuses not to associate with them

LilyCricket · 08-04-2012 05:36PM

true-or-false wrote: »

I can't believe the amount of people saying that to let yourself be controlled makes you an idiot.

It's called being CONTROLLED for a reason. You have no control over it yourself.

It's also not an insecurity thing. In my experience of being controlled, and from what I've seen of it happening to people I know, the person starts off being pretty popular, loud, sociable, and it's almost like it's those very qualities about them that makes their boyfriend jealous. I'm sure plenty of insecure people get controlled, but I really think it's ridiculous that some people here are blaming the person who slowly gets broken down into a scared wreck.

The controller, however, is most definitely insecure. And idiotic, and at fault. Not the other way round.

Spot on

SunnyDub1 · 08-04-2012 06:16PM

Your friend is one silly girl.
She will realise in the future that she made a big mistake.
I have friends like that to extremely annoying but there no telling someone when they are in "love"

Grayson · 08-04-2012 06:30PM

Dudess wrote: »

While there's nothing wrong with expressing concern to your partner if they're getting very overweight and to encourage them to live more healthily, that guy was just being a bullying, humiliating dick. If she was so huge, she was likely heavy when they met anyway, and hung up about it - jackpot to someone who likes to control and belittle.

Unless he'd had to go through hours of her whinging about her size. I'd be pissed off at that stage of she ordered a foot long. Of course he could be a bacstard. But I don't know enough so I'm not going to judge.

TeddyTedson · 08-04-2012 06:47PM

People will say **** like that annoys me ect because we're all here on the internet and pretending to very open about things and all that crap when really a lot of are very right wing nut jobs in real life (I'm not saying everyone but definitely most)
The truth is though you have to rule a partner with an iron first or else they stray, it's just human nature. Perhaps we just love them too much.

orchidsrpretty · 08-04-2012 07:01PM

TeddyTedson wrote: »

People will say **** like that annoys me ect because we're all here on the internet and pretending to very open about things and all that crap when really a lot of are very right wing nut jobs in real life (I'm not saying everyone but definitely most)
The truth is though you have to rule a partner with an iron first or else they stray, it's just human nature. Perhaps we just love them too much.

Isn't that what most abusers say,? I'm doing this because I love you so much.........

Born to Die · 08-04-2012 07:08PM

TeddyTedson wrote: »

People will say **** like that annoys me ect because we're all here on the internet and pretending to very open about things and all that crap when really a lot of are very right wing nut jobs in real life (I'm not saying everyone but definitely most)
The truth is though you have to rule a partner with an iron first or else they stray, it's just human nature. Perhaps we just love them too much.

Teddy I hope you are kidding here

Nah I know you are.

You are, ya?

Answer me!!!!!

Controlling boyfriends/girlfriends

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