Would you consider an open relationship?

the_syco · 29-12-2011 03:03AM

Kimia wrote: »

A friend of mine mentioned that she was thinking about this seriously with her husband

Ask her what happens if she gets pregnant with a child that isn't his?

Also, will she mind if he screws a 20 year old college student with a fantastic body, and the student gets pregnant with his child, what happens then?

Saila · 29-12-2011 03:08AM

what if you were in a car crash or something and ended up not being able to satisfy your partner anymore, technically you could have sex, but not like before, would you be so quick to outright refuse it based on the fact you cant satisfy them like they need and you both love each other? its win win!

kraggy · 29-12-2011 08:06AM

the_syco wrote: »

Ask her what happens if she gets pregnant with a child that isn't his?

Also, will she mind if he screws a 20 year old college student with a fantastic body, and the student gets pregnant with his child, what happens then?

There are enough forms of contraception around these days to make sure you don't get pregnant.

Besides, if a couple were contemplating having an open relationship, I'd hope that they would both be VERY careful when sleeping with other partners.

seamus · 29-12-2011 11:30AM

It would have to depend on the people.

Aside from the risk of another man impregnating my wife (a primal no-no

), neither of us would be capable of a sexual relationship with another person without becoming emotionally involved, it's just the kind of people we are.

Like everyone else, naturally I see a hot woman and get distracted by them, but I think if push came to shove, permission or otherwise it would feel very odd and wrong to me to be having sex with someone who isn't my OH.

Jemmy · 29-12-2011 11:34AM

Das Kitty wrote: »

I'm sure there are people it works for, I know people in polyamorous relationships that work, so there must be couples with open relationships that work.

Agree with this I'm sure it works for some but personally no it's not for me. If I love and care for someone I wouldn't want to share them or myself purely for sex. It's bascially wanting to be sexually single but emotionally in a relationship. If a relationship as a whole is not satisfying both partners then why stay together if you need to look for something more outside of it.

Saila wrote: »

what if you were in a car crash or something and ended up not being able to satisfy your partner anymore, technically you could have sex, but not like before, would you be so quick to outright refuse it based on the fact you cant satisfy them like they need and you both love each other? its win win!

This is a different issue altogether imo, and every situation is different.

Kimia · 29-12-2011 04:11PM

Its interesting to see everyone's point of view. I knew a couple who 'swung' and she hated it, she only did it because he wanted to. It was awful for her.

I think I'm the same as Seamus, yes I get distracted when I see a hot man but at the end of the day it would be physically impossible for me to actually do anything. And of course I wouldn't be able to even think about my oh being with someone else.

I will keep an open mind though. Just because it wouldn't be for me doesn't mean it wouldn't work for some people. And it doesn't mean that they are any less in love than I am.

Gareth2011 · 29-12-2011 04:40PM

Kimia wrote: »

Its interesting to see everyone's point of view. I knew a couple who 'swung' and she hated it, she only did it because he wanted to. It was awful for her.

I think I'm the same as Seamus, yes I get distracted when I see a hot man but at the end of the day it would be physically impossible for me to actually do anything. And of course I wouldn't be able to even think about my oh being with someone else.

I will keep an open mind though. Just because it wouldn't be for me doesn't mean it wouldn't work for some people. And it doesn't mean that they are any less in love than I am.

That must have hurt that woman you speak off and maybe feel less for her partner. My wife is 4 hours drive away from me working/college and has been for the last 6 months. Even tho we all get the urge I could never cheat on her I love her very much and I would feel so guilty if I did. But whats been said before it is for some people but not for others.

Saila · 30-12-2011 02:36AM

Gareth2011 wrote: »

That must have hurt that woman you speak off and maybe feel less for her partner. My wife is 4 hours drive away from me working/college and has been for the last 6 months. Even tho we all get the urge I could never cheat on her I love her very much and I would feel so guilty if I did. But whats been said before it is for some people but not for others.

but in an open relationship its not cheating if you are both ok with it

Truley · 30-12-2011 12:33PM

Yes and it was the best thing I've ever done. I understand it's not for everyone though.

ElleEm · 30-12-2011 04:59PM

Storminateacup wrote: »

I personally couldn't. The thoughts of my fiancée with someone else turns my stomach, not just sex but the thoughts of him being emotionally close to someone else is vile.

This.

I could never imagine my partner being physically close with another woman. I even struggled with the idea of him and his exes at the start of our relationship. There is no way I would want to be with anyone else either. I'm crazy about my man!

BarackPyjama · 30-12-2011 05:23PM

ElleEm wrote: »

This.

I could never imagine my partner being physically close with another woman. I even struggled with the idea of him and his exes at the start of our relationship. There is no way I would want to be with anyone else either. I'm crazy about my man!

As open-minded as I'm trying to be, I don't know how anyone could stand the thought of someone they were in a relationship with having sex with or even dating someone else.

Relationships should involve an emotional investment. Otherwise it's just sex with maybe a platonic friendship; f**k buddies basically. Which again would never work for me. Sex with the same person on a regular basis and emotionality go hand-in-hand IMO.

Anyway, maybe my take on things isn't for everyone. I just can't help but find the idea of an open relationship being completely wrong and the type of people that would consider it acceptable as emotionally lacking and a bit creepy.

daveirl · 30-12-2011 05:34PM

This post has been deleted.

baby and crumble · 30-12-2011 05:42PM

There is an argument to be made that one partner for life isn't natural- but that humans naturally seek out many relationships for satisfaction. Marriage and fidelity as a requirement of human social practice, and marrying for love etc really only emerged in the 18th century. Right up until the 1970's, the common understanding was that marriage was an arrangement which facilitated the rearing of children, but that 100% fidelity was not expected. Not everywhere, of course.

I'm with most of you guys though, the idea of my partner being intimate with someone else does turn my stomach, and I wouldn't ever want to be with another person to the detriment of my relationship, ever. But if both people are in agreement, I don't see the problem- so long as everyone is adult and makes their own decisions, then it's fine. As for women who 'go along' with swinging etc., to save their marriage, then while I feel bad for them, it's their own decision to do so. Their husbands aren't monsters because they said what they wanted or needed- they shouldn't be demonised.

And from chatting with people who are polyamorous, there does seem to be a difference between cheating, swinging, open relationships and multiple relationships (polyamory). So people shouldn't get them mixed up.

JuliusCaesar · 30-12-2011 08:29PM

baby and crumble wrote: »

There is an argument to be made that one partner for life isn't natural- but that humans naturally seek out many relationships for satisfaction. Marriage and fidelity as a requirement of human social practice, and marrying for love etc really only emerged in the 18th century. Right up until the 1970's, the common understanding was that marriage was an arrangement which facilitated the rearing of children, but that 100% fidelity was not expected.

Generally 100% fidelity was expected from women, while men - well, allowances were made. It had to do with women's economic dependence on men. Women with their children are still the losers generally in divorce situations, but that's a different topic.

It'd be interesting to see if there's any divergence of views on open relationships between those who are young/rearing children and those who have finished their child-rearing and have been together for 20+ years.

Me - it would depend on the quality of the long-term relationship. Wouldn't rule it out entirely.

sharper · 31-12-2011 04:51PM

BarackPyjama wrote: »

As open-minded as I'm trying to be, I don't know how anyone could stand the thought of someone they were in a relationship with having sex with or even dating someone else.

You like someone -> You like when they are happy -> They are happy (in this case with someone else) -> You like that they are happy.

Also see compersion

I think people should always try to keep in mind that not everyone wants the same things they do or to live the same way they do. That doesn't make their relationships lesser, weaker or not as fulfilling (the same can also apply to people that think open relationships are more evolved than monogamous ones).

merlie · 01-01-2012 11:55AM

No. As I do not consider it to be a relationship then. There would be trust issues and also health issues and so on.

I think in this day and age, its not a healthy thing.

For me, I would never do it, and if the guy I was with wanted too, then I would consider leaving him as I would have doubts about his loyalty and love for me.

There are only two people in a relationship and that's the way it should be.

01-01-2012 01:59PM

merlie wrote: »

No. As I do not consider it to be a relationship then. There would be trust issues and also health issues and so on.

I think in this day and age, its not a healthy thing.

For me, I would never do it, and if the guy I was with wanted too, then I would consider leaving him as I would have doubts about his loyalty and love for me.

There are only two people in a relationship and that's the way it should be.

there's a boardsie happily in a truple

the whole open thing isn't for me and i dont want to share him in a relationship with anyone else, but i can see it might work for others
to each their own

LegacyUser · 01-01-2012 06:51PM

I definitely wouldn't rule out an open relationship.

I guess it's because, although I've never been cheated on (that I'm aware of), I don't think it would necessarily be a dealbreaker for me if I was. Depending on the circumstances of course.

For example, it's unlikely that I would end an otherwise good relationship over a kiss. Even if it was more than a kiss, I could probably live with it, if he was honest with me about it straight away. I wouldn't demand a million apologies or reassurances, I'd just be curious about why it happened more than anything else.

I know some people might be able to get over their partner having a physical encounter with someone else, but would draw the line at an emotional relationship. However, this would not necessarily be a dealbreaker for me either. I believe that it's possible to be in love with one person, but to have a very strong deep emotional connection with someone else. In fact, although I haven't experienced it, I don't see why you couldn't be in love with two people at the same time.

I don't know, I guess I'm quite secure in myself in some ways. Just because my partner gets happiness out of being with someone else, it does not necessarily mean that I'm doing something wrong or that there's something wrong with our relationship. I would certainly want to know about it if it happened, and I would want to discuss the reasons behind it. But I don't see what's inherently wrong about being with another person just because you're part of a couple ... no matter how perfect the relationship is.

I have been in very long-term relationships before, and my partners would certainly not have shared my views. And I had no problems being faithful to them, because I fully respected how they felt about it - in fact there was never any need to even discuss it. I was already fulfilled in the relationships, and when that was no longer the case, the relationships ended.

However I'm now at a point in my life where I do not want a serious relationship. If I do get into a relationship any time soon, it'll be a low-commitment one. I won't be agreeing not to see other men.

Some people might not consider this to be a relationship, and anyways I know it is unlikely that I'd find a man who would agree to a relationship on those terms. I do think that, in practice, it's probably rare that an open relationship would work out long-term. But it could definitely happen, with the right two people.

I would like to stress that, although I don't see "cheating" - well, seeing other people - as a massive deal, it does not mean that a loyal committed relationship is impossible for me. I've done it in the past and was happy, and will most likely happily do it again, it's just not what I want right now.

The big issue for me is honesty and communication. So long as my partner and I are fully open and honest with each other, I believe that almost anything else can be worked out.

Truley wrote: »

Yes and it was the best thing I've ever done. I understand it's not for everyone though.

I'd be very interested in hearing more about your experience, if you'd be willing to share, as I haven't actually heard any personal experiences of how open relationships have worked out for others.

baby and crumble wrote: »

And from chatting with people who are polyamorous, there does seem to be a difference between cheating, swinging, open relationships and multiple relationships (polyamory). So people shouldn't get them mixed up.

That's a very good point. While I could definitely be happy in an open relationship, I really cannot see myself in a polyamorous relationship (not as I understand it anyways - sort of a "threesome" relationship?) It doesn't mean that I think it's wrong or anything though - it's just not for me.

sharper · 01-01-2012 09:41PM

cipsier wrote: »

For example, it's unlikely that I would end an otherwise good relationship over a kiss. Even if it was more than a kiss, I could probably live with it, if he was honest with me about it straight away.

The honesty and communication are what matters to me. All the people posting about feeling ill at the thought of their partner with someone else is something I can certainly understand but what makes me feel ill is the idea of them lying to my face.

Kimia · 01-01-2012 10:22PM

sharper wrote: »

The honesty and communication are what matters to me. All the people posting about feeling ill at the thought of their partner with someone else is something I can certainly understand but what makes me feel ill is the idea of them lying to my face.

Well the thing about an open relationship is that there's no lying as the boundaries have been discussed and set. So that wouldn't be a worry at all.

smileychick · 01-01-2012 11:43PM

Wouldn't myself but each to their own!!!

Lockstep · 02-01-2012 12:47AM

Nah, it doesn't appeal to me at all at all.

Ave Sodalis · 02-01-2012 01:08AM

In a long distance relationship and I would consider it if my boyfriend brought it up.
My reasoning would be that, when you don't see each other except for a short time, once or twice a year, there is strong want for sex that wouldn't be satisfied unless you cheat. Being in an open relationship means that you still get to have a sex life whilst having the boundaries laid down beforehand. It doesn't have to mean anything when you can, like me, sleep with someone without becoming emotionally attached and it doesn't mean you don't love your boyfriend/girlfriend as much. It just allows you to have that physical contact.
Although, I don't think I would bring it up with my boyfriend myself, I would wait for him to, just because I don't think he would agree.

I don't see the point in open relationships when your partner is living fairly close though but it could be that I just don't see the reasoning behind it

02-01-2012 01:20AM

There's a few fairly judgemental posts on this thread. I don't think I'd have any interest in an open relationship myself, but if someone wants to get involved in one, good for them. It's no worse (or better) than any of a thousand different variations of relationships.

starlit · 02-01-2012 01:26PM

I have considered it. I'd be open to it if not in a serious relationship already. Then again I only do that at the start of something that hasn't started yet. By means of getting to know someone.

An open relationship to me be more of a casual relationship really. Not too serious. They can let off steam and then when they are ready we can just stop seeing other people and become more exclusive but would that really happen though?

Now if in a serious relationship, I would only consider an open relationship if wanting a break or something but then again if in a serious happy and fulfilled relationship and it going somewhere, no I would not consider an open relationship.

Jen Pigs Fly · 03-01-2012 01:35AM

Purple_Bobbin wrote: »

To be honest, for me personally, I wouldn't like an open relationship.

I am with my boyfriend five months and while it's still early days for us, I would be disgusted and devastated if he suggested an open relationship.

The thoughts of him going out and kissing, sleeping, groping other women and then coming home and sharing a bed with me and kissing, touching and sleeping with me turn my stomach.:(

It definitely wouldn't be for me.

I'm the exact same as you, I only know mine for a few months and would hate if he suggested it, I couldn't stand the thought of him with someone else.

03-01-2012 10:36PM

Definitely wouldn't be for me. At all.

What way does it work? You go out on dates with other people, I get that and think that might be kind of ok. But what happens when you go on a date and really click with someone, do you go again? At what point do you stop going on dates with this person? At what point are you in a relationship with this new person?

It's just not something I really understand but if it's what other people want to do and they are both happy with it then I'm not gonna judge.

The Cool · 05-01-2012 12:29PM

Any of you remember when Will Smith and Jada talked about having an open marriage?
http://www.hollywoodlife.com/2011/08/26/will-smith-jada-pinkett-smith-open-marriage/

I can't decide if it means that you have a casual out look on sex, or on each other. Maybe if you don't think that sex is that big a deal - not so important that it should be exclusive between you, but important enough that you should be able to get it when you want it - then it's a case where you can arrive home, say, hey honey, had sex tonight, how was your evening?

Otherwise, I don't really get it. Staying single and sleeping around / dating casually means you don't have the connection with one person, who is your emotional partner as well as your sexual one. Being in a relationship, on the other hand, means that you commit to that person and you don't do dating with other people any more. To me, having an open relationship is like trying to have the best of both - having your cake and eating it too. However from my general experience of life, having your cake and eating it too is just not the way things go!

I'd like to hear more from people who are, or have been, in one. The dynamics of it, etc.

LegacyUser · 05-01-2012 12:51PM

I don't like the idea of an open relationship myself but at the moment I've been seeing someone who I thought wanted the same things as me but doesn't. She wants to keep seeing me (and not just for NSA sex) but also doesn't want to commit to being my girlfriend.

So I guess in a sense if I go for this, it will be an open relationship because we do lots of relationship-y things together so it will feel like a relationship but just we will both be allowed to see other people too

Not what I want but when you're crazy about someone it's either this or nothing at all

I would imagine a lot of open relationships occur when one person wants it but the other isn't too keen but is too scared of losing the person so they go along with it anyway

Liberal Irishman · 05-01-2012 11:31PM

Just from one male's perspective: I don't really see how people do it! I think an open relationship would eat away at trust! and jealousy would eventually rear it's ugly head in some way shape or form.

My opinion, for what it's worth, is that anything that goes on, should go on in front of or with one's partner. I know that most men would balk at the idea, especially with another man. But it seems to me to be the fairest and most honest way to add another person into the equation!

I've had the opportunity to participate in such an encounter in the past and I've regretted turning it down ever since. Probably the fantasy would be better than the reality!

A serious question: Do you think this is a perverted outlook?

Would you consider an open relationship?

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