Would you consider an open relationship?

Kimia

A friend of mine mentioned that she was thinking about this seriously with her husband - they are together 10 years in total so very secure and (I thought) extremely happy. I always really held them up as the couple to admire actually so it was quite surprising when she said this to me.

She said that they were going to start off with dates, nothing physical, and see how it goes. At first I was really dubious but the more I think about it I'm starting to see her side of things. She is looking forward to meeting new guys where she can have that new person buzz while having the security of her long term relationship, plus no cheating.

I'm still on the fence. Part of me loves the idea about having the buzz of dating again (I'm in a long term relationship myself) but I would be afraid of the jealousy I would have of my bf dating someone. What if he starts to like them etc?

Has anyone thought about it/done it?

The Lovely Muffin

To be honest, for me personally, I wouldn't like an open relationship.

I am with my boyfriend five months and while it's still early days for us, I would be disgusted and devastated if he suggested an open relationship.

The thoughts of him going out and kissing, sleeping, groping other women and then coming home and sharing a bed with me and kissing, touching and sleeping with me turn my stomach.:(

It definitely wouldn't be for me.

jam_mac_jam

Not with somebody I loved. I dont think I could cope, something less serious yes but not with somebody who I wanted to stay with forever.

Gareth2011

Id like to think I could do it but the thoughts of my wife being with someone else would make me very sad. I know she loves me very much and Id say she would let me but I know it would kill her inside. So No Don't think we could do it.

daenerysstormborn3

Not in a million years.

carolinespring

NO WAY!!! I love my husband far to much to want to be with anyone other than him and I would be very hurt if he wanted to be with someone else even if he wanted to stay with me. I really think that would be a deal breaker for me.

I often commented to friends how I envy the whole first date buzz, the wonder, getting ready, the butterflies...

Of course all of that is great but the high you get from being with someone you love after so long (almost 12 years) and knowing what the other person is thinking feeling from just a glance. Eye contact when you are in a group and knowing how much they love you and you them far out weighs any first buzz.

We had memories made together, a past, a present and a future to look forward.

I would not swap for anything.

Novella

To me, an open relationship would simply mean I wasn't all that serious about my partner. I'd consider it, sure, and I'd do it but at the end of the day, if I really, really like someone, I want to be with them and only them.

Acoshla

Tried it, did not work out, he f*cked everything that moved and caught a multitude of STD's, I'm happy without that thanks.

Lola92

I might consider it in a casual relationship.

No way I could do it in a serious/long term relationship though, That would bring out jealousy and insecurity in even the most self-assured person.

MyKeyG

I'm in one at the moment but only because my OH and I are not in love and know we never will be. The relationship is one of convenience more than romance.

With a life partner though I can't imagine needing it. There are hundreds of ways a couple can rekindle the old buzz between themselves. If you need intimate relationships elsewhere then surely yours is dead. I'd feel like I was flogging a dead horse.

Princess Peach

I'm going to Canada for the year and me and my boyfriend discussed all our options of what to do. Open relationship did come up and we both agreed it was not for us. We both really love each other and are serious about our relationship, it was just a thought of how to deal with our long separation and horniness!

I think if I was to try get with another guy it would feel like cheating and I would hate it. I would also hate the thought of my boyfriend being with another girl. I'm not a crazy jealous girlfriend (he has a lot of female friends and thats fine I mean) but I would go crazy jealous if he slept with another girl. Couldn't deal with the thoughts of it. And I think things would be very awkward when we did reunite then. Definitely not for me.

We have a good relationship, and some people think it might work if the people are growing apart, or there is an issue in their sex life. I think its just a step on the way to breaking up though. Don't know how it could ever be a good thing in a relationship in my mind.

BarackPyjama

I'd just stay single if I wanted to sleep around. Without wanting to sound too judgmental, how can someone possibly want to be in a steady relationship with someone and yet want to have sex with other people? It shows a complete lack of emotional investment in the relationship and a frightening level of selfishness and nihilism. If I was with someone who suggested an open relationship, the first thing I'd think is that they were below me and didn't have the emotional or psychological tools for a serious adult relationship. I'd ditch them immediately.

sharper

I'm open to the idea although admittedly what I like most about it is that the boundaries of the relationship need to be clearly and explicitly communicated and agreed rather than just assumed. Most people just assume everyone else shares their boundaries and ideas on relationships then get annoyed when they're unknowingly violated. And by annoyed, I mean enraged.

A lot of people will also confuse "open relationship" with "swinging" or "sleeping around". Despite being a guy I'm not very interested in sleeping with lots of people either in a relationship or out of it. For me an open relationship would mean a real emotional/romantic connection with another person.

From what I've observed it does make life complicated (I've seen people having troubles because of something related to the partner of a partner of a partner) but it can be worthwhile with a bunch of caveats:

-Both partners have to want it. If one side is happy with the current closed relationship then opening it won't work.

-Either you need to be not the jealous type or committed to getting over it.

-You may find yourself in situations you're not considering like consoling your partner because his other relationship has ended badly or needing to get an STD test more regularly because his partner requires it.

-It seems to work best where there are decent sized populations of people also practising open relationships usually in the US in places like Seattle and Portland.

There is an Irish meetup.com group you might find useful http://www.meetup.com/Polyamory-Ireland/

Lady von Purple

I'm sure it works for some people, but I could never be happy in one. That's just me though, I already have insecurity issues with the OH's close female friends (that I'm working on!) so I know that I'd never be able to handle sharing him. I think it'd take a lot of the sparkle off our intimacy anyway, if I knew he was holding and kissing other women. Nope, nope, nope.

Chet Zar

I always thought that an open relationship was no relationship at all.

Had something like that in college, all very innocent, but quite farcical at the same time really

Bubblefett

I couldn't do it. Myself and the boyfriend have been together nearly 5 years, talks of marrage and whatnot in the next year for us and kids down the line. Our future is all about us- our relationship and building our family.
An open relationship could only hurt us.

But I imagine there must be some reason people do this. Not all relationships are as strong as others and some need something to fill in a void/make it more interesting. And as said, both partners must be into it and want to go through with it.

I guess to me it's like bungee jumping, some people love it and totally get the appeal.... I don't

Giselle

I've only been in love once but when I was, I felt I belonged to my ex (in a non-creepy or possessive way). Everything about being with someone else would have felt wrong, and I wouldn't have been able to consent to other girls having a timeshare in him.

As it turned out, our relationship wasn't as exclusive as I thought it was anyway, but for a while ignorance really was bliss.

I wouldn't be able to have an open relationship, or even a relationship with someone who felt it should be an option. But each to their own and whatever works and all that.:)

OkayWhatever

No way, 100% no.

Sitting at home watching telly knowing your o/h was out with another woman? No thanks.

I don't even like the thought of it.

MissFlitworth

Nope. I can see why people might do it in the case where there was a relationship where you loved butwere no longer in sexual type love with each other but still wanted to stay together platonically whilst having partners outside your main relationship. It would break my heart & head though.

I know 2 couples in open relationships and in both there is one partner pushing the idea and one going along with it because they know it's either that or a break up. That sort of thing is horrible

Das Kitty

I'm sure there are people it works for, I know people in polyamorous relationships that work, so there must be couples with open relationships that work.

It definitely would not work in my relationship, I don't want to share my husband with anyone else sexually. I know the OP said that it wouldn't be a physical thing for her friend to begin with, but dates with no physical aspect are friendships.

Ickle Magoo

No, I wouldn't consider an open relationship - I've had fairly relaxed relationships and completely full-on relationships and they provided completely different things...I'm at a stage in my life when I'm quite happy to have a full on relationship, to compromise on some things and make the effort to work at keeping things hot and happy.

Tbh, if there is something missing from my relationship then I'd much prefer to work on that and have one fully-fulfilling relationship. I would take it as making a fairly unpleasant statement about me/my partner and our relationship if either wanted to enlist the help of some third party in order to get temporary relief from - and plaster over - whatever aspect of our relationship was failing miserably in lieu of us working on being a better partnership together.

Morag

I've been in open and poly relationships, yes they are different but I don't think of them of being 'lesser'.
Currently I don't have the time/engry and am happy with the relationship I have.

Skuxx

I saw this thread a while ago and have been thinking about it today and I honestly can't see why anybody would want an open relationship, but maybe thats just because I'm young, and relationships come and go constantly!!
The way I see it, if you love someone and are happy with them, an open relationship is unnecessary, and if you don't love them or are unhappy being with them, its time to move on! I don't see how an open relationship will change things. As I said, maybe thats just my life inexperience, but thats how I see it!

Storminateacup

I personally couldn't. The thoughts of my fiancée with someone else turns my stomach, not just sex but the thoughts of him being emotionally close to someone else is vile.

bobbytables

I'm not surprised that the general consensus is "No!". I've never been in an open relationship and don't think they're a good idea for many reasons, most of which have been expressed already.

My belief is that you've either found the person you'd love to spend the rest of your life with or you haven't.

There is no other person that could be like my OH to me. We know each other instinctively and I love her with all my heart. It's uncanny how well matched we are sometimes. So the thought of an open relationship makes no sense, or for anyone else in similar circumstances in my opinion.

There is a lot to be gained from a solid and loving monogamous relationship between two people.

Da Shins Kelly

Narf. It's all or nothing with me.

RebelBOK

No i dont think an open relationship in the sense of one partner going of on dates etc... But i do think there`s alot to be said for something like swinging were a couple could experience the thrill and buzz of meeting other couples and being with another couple sexually together. Anything like this would have to be done with both partners involved though and would have to set out the rules and that first but lets be honest, monogamy is one of the hardest parts of any relationship and this would take that out of the equation while still not going of on your own or cheating etc...

Halo Kitty

An open relationship to me would only open a can of worms, Might be an idea at the time but i feel trust and respect would be lost,

LaHaine

Couldnt even contemplate it. Probably an insecurity as much as anything. But, strokes and folks I suppose.

I cant even imagine how you end up in that situation. "eh yeah, course I care about you, I just want to sleep with other people too...if thats ok"

seenitall

Yes. With Daniel Craig. Rachel can have him when I'm too busy to see him.

... seriously, no. My relationships are usually complicated (i.e. screwed up) enough without even more complexities being added on for thrills.

saa

It only works if you're basically single but getting the perks of being in a relationship with that one guy you sleep with.

Can't see how it works if you're a person in a relationship looking for the perks of being single, someone always wants it more than the other. But this just applies to me, I do believe some people are fine with it but I think its extremely rare all partners are just as fine with it as the other.