Would you consider an open relationship?

Kimia

A friend of mine mentioned that she was thinking about this seriously with her husband - they are together 10 years in total so very secure and (I thought) extremely happy. I always really held them up as the couple to admire actually so it was quite surprising when she said this to me.

She said that they were going to start off with dates, nothing physical, and see how it goes. At first I was really dubious but the more I think about it I'm starting to see her side of things. She is looking forward to meeting new guys where she can have that new person buzz while having the security of her long term relationship, plus no cheating.

I'm still on the fence. Part of me loves the idea about having the buzz of dating again (I'm in a long term relationship myself) but I would be afraid of the jealousy I would have of my bf dating someone. What if he starts to like them etc?

Has anyone thought about it/done it?

The Lovely Muffin

To be honest, for me personally, I wouldn't like an open relationship.

I am with my boyfriend five months and while it's still early days for us, I would be disgusted and devastated if he suggested an open relationship.

The thoughts of him going out and kissing, sleeping, groping other women and then coming home and sharing a bed with me and kissing, touching and sleeping with me turn my stomach.:(

It definitely wouldn't be for me.

jam_mac_jam

Not with somebody I loved. I dont think I could cope, something less serious yes but not with somebody who I wanted to stay with forever.

Gareth2011

Id like to think I could do it but the thoughts of my wife being with someone else would make me very sad. I know she loves me very much and Id say she would let me but I know it would kill her inside. So No Don't think we could do it.

daenerysstormborn3

Not in a million years.

carolinespring

NO WAY!!! I love my husband far to much to want to be with anyone other than him and I would be very hurt if he wanted to be with someone else even if he wanted to stay with me. I really think that would be a deal breaker for me.

I often commented to friends how I envy the whole first date buzz, the wonder, getting ready, the butterflies...

Of course all of that is great but the high you get from being with someone you love after so long (almost 12 years) and knowing what the other person is thinking feeling from just a glance. Eye contact when you are in a group and knowing how much they love you and you them far out weighs any first buzz.

We had memories made together, a past, a present and a future to look forward.

I would not swap for anything.

Novella

To me, an open relationship would simply mean I wasn't all that serious about my partner. I'd consider it, sure, and I'd do it but at the end of the day, if I really, really like someone, I want to be with them and only them.

Acoshla

Tried it, did not work out, he f*cked everything that moved and caught a multitude of STD's, I'm happy without that thanks.

Lola92

I might consider it in a casual relationship.

No way I could do it in a serious/long term relationship though, That would bring out jealousy and insecurity in even the most self-assured person.

MyKeyG

I'm in one at the moment but only because my OH and I are not in love and know we never will be. The relationship is one of convenience more than romance.

With a life partner though I can't imagine needing it. There are hundreds of ways a couple can rekindle the old buzz between themselves. If you need intimate relationships elsewhere then surely yours is dead. I'd feel like I was flogging a dead horse.

Princess Peach

I'm going to Canada for the year and me and my boyfriend discussed all our options of what to do. Open relationship did come up and we both agreed it was not for us. We both really love each other and are serious about our relationship, it was just a thought of how to deal with our long separation and horniness!

I think if I was to try get with another guy it would feel like cheating and I would hate it. I would also hate the thought of my boyfriend being with another girl. I'm not a crazy jealous girlfriend (he has a lot of female friends and thats fine I mean) but I would go crazy jealous if he slept with another girl. Couldn't deal with the thoughts of it. And I think things would be very awkward when we did reunite then. Definitely not for me.

We have a good relationship, and some people think it might work if the people are growing apart, or there is an issue in their sex life. I think its just a step on the way to breaking up though. Don't know how it could ever be a good thing in a relationship in my mind.

BarackPyjama

I'd just stay single if I wanted to sleep around. Without wanting to sound too judgmental, how can someone possibly want to be in a steady relationship with someone and yet want to have sex with other people? It shows a complete lack of emotional investment in the relationship and a frightening level of selfishness and nihilism. If I was with someone who suggested an open relationship, the first thing I'd think is that they were below me and didn't have the emotional or psychological tools for a serious adult relationship. I'd ditch them immediately.

sharper

I'm open to the idea although admittedly what I like most about it is that the boundaries of the relationship need to be clearly and explicitly communicated and agreed rather than just assumed. Most people just assume everyone else shares their boundaries and ideas on relationships then get annoyed when they're unknowingly violated. And by annoyed, I mean enraged.

A lot of people will also confuse "open relationship" with "swinging" or "sleeping around". Despite being a guy I'm not very interested in sleeping with lots of people either in a relationship or out of it. For me an open relationship would mean a real emotional/romantic connection with another person.

From what I've observed it does make life complicated (I've seen people having troubles because of something related to the partner of a partner of a partner) but it can be worthwhile with a bunch of caveats:

-Both partners have to want it. If one side is happy with the current closed relationship then opening it won't work.

-Either you need to be not the jealous type or committed to getting over it.

-You may find yourself in situations you're not considering like consoling your partner because his other relationship has ended badly or needing to get an STD test more regularly because his partner requires it.

-It seems to work best where there are decent sized populations of people also practising open relationships usually in the US in places like Seattle and Portland.

There is an Irish meetup.com group you might find useful http://www.meetup.com/Polyamory-Ireland/

Lady von Purple

I'm sure it works for some people, but I could never be happy in one. That's just me though, I already have insecurity issues with the OH's close female friends (that I'm working on!) so I know that I'd never be able to handle sharing him. I think it'd take a lot of the sparkle off our intimacy anyway, if I knew he was holding and kissing other women. Nope, nope, nope.

Chet Zar

I always thought that an open relationship was no relationship at all.

Had something like that in college, all very innocent, but quite farcical at the same time really

Bubblefett

I couldn't do it. Myself and the boyfriend have been together nearly 5 years, talks of marrage and whatnot in the next year for us and kids down the line. Our future is all about us- our relationship and building our family.
An open relationship could only hurt us.

But I imagine there must be some reason people do this. Not all relationships are as strong as others and some need something to fill in a void/make it more interesting. And as said, both partners must be into it and want to go through with it.

I guess to me it's like bungee jumping, some people love it and totally get the appeal.... I don't

Giselle

I've only been in love once but when I was, I felt I belonged to my ex (in a non-creepy or possessive way). Everything about being with someone else would have felt wrong, and I wouldn't have been able to consent to other girls having a timeshare in him.

As it turned out, our relationship wasn't as exclusive as I thought it was anyway, but for a while ignorance really was bliss.

I wouldn't be able to have an open relationship, or even a relationship with someone who felt it should be an option. But each to their own and whatever works and all that.:)

OkayWhatever

No way, 100% no.

Sitting at home watching telly knowing your o/h was out with another woman? No thanks.

I don't even like the thought of it.

MissFlitworth

Nope. I can see why people might do it in the case where there was a relationship where you loved butwere no longer in sexual type love with each other but still wanted to stay together platonically whilst having partners outside your main relationship. It would break my heart & head though.

I know 2 couples in open relationships and in both there is one partner pushing the idea and one going along with it because they know it's either that or a break up. That sort of thing is horrible

Das Kitty

I'm sure there are people it works for, I know people in polyamorous relationships that work, so there must be couples with open relationships that work.

It definitely would not work in my relationship, I don't want to share my husband with anyone else sexually. I know the OP said that it wouldn't be a physical thing for her friend to begin with, but dates with no physical aspect are friendships.

Ickle Magoo

No, I wouldn't consider an open relationship - I've had fairly relaxed relationships and completely full-on relationships and they provided completely different things...I'm at a stage in my life when I'm quite happy to have a full on relationship, to compromise on some things and make the effort to work at keeping things hot and happy.

Tbh, if there is something missing from my relationship then I'd much prefer to work on that and have one fully-fulfilling relationship. I would take it as making a fairly unpleasant statement about me/my partner and our relationship if either wanted to enlist the help of some third party in order to get temporary relief from - and plaster over - whatever aspect of our relationship was failing miserably in lieu of us working on being a better partnership together.

Morag

I've been in open and poly relationships, yes they are different but I don't think of them of being 'lesser'.
Currently I don't have the time/engry and am happy with the relationship I have.

Skuxx

I saw this thread a while ago and have been thinking about it today and I honestly can't see why anybody would want an open relationship, but maybe thats just because I'm young, and relationships come and go constantly!!
The way I see it, if you love someone and are happy with them, an open relationship is unnecessary, and if you don't love them or are unhappy being with them, its time to move on! I don't see how an open relationship will change things. As I said, maybe thats just my life inexperience, but thats how I see it!

Storminateacup

I personally couldn't. The thoughts of my fiancée with someone else turns my stomach, not just sex but the thoughts of him being emotionally close to someone else is vile.

bobbytables

I'm not surprised that the general consensus is "No!". I've never been in an open relationship and don't think they're a good idea for many reasons, most of which have been expressed already.

My belief is that you've either found the person you'd love to spend the rest of your life with or you haven't.

There is no other person that could be like my OH to me. We know each other instinctively and I love her with all my heart. It's uncanny how well matched we are sometimes. So the thought of an open relationship makes no sense, or for anyone else in similar circumstances in my opinion.

There is a lot to be gained from a solid and loving monogamous relationship between two people.

Da Shins Kelly

Narf. It's all or nothing with me.

RebelBOK

No i dont think an open relationship in the sense of one partner going of on dates etc... But i do think there`s alot to be said for something like swinging were a couple could experience the thrill and buzz of meeting other couples and being with another couple sexually together. Anything like this would have to be done with both partners involved though and would have to set out the rules and that first but lets be honest, monogamy is one of the hardest parts of any relationship and this would take that out of the equation while still not going of on your own or cheating etc...

Halo Kitty

An open relationship to me would only open a can of worms, Might be an idea at the time but i feel trust and respect would be lost,

LaHaine

Couldnt even contemplate it. Probably an insecurity as much as anything. But, strokes and folks I suppose.

I cant even imagine how you end up in that situation. "eh yeah, course I care about you, I just want to sleep with other people too...if thats ok"

seenitall

Yes. With Daniel Craig. Rachel can have him when I'm too busy to see him.

... seriously, no. My relationships are usually complicated (i.e. screwed up) enough without even more complexities being added on for thrills.

saa

It only works if you're basically single but getting the perks of being in a relationship with that one guy you sleep with.

Can't see how it works if you're a person in a relationship looking for the perks of being single, someone always wants it more than the other. But this just applies to me, I do believe some people are fine with it but I think its extremely rare all partners are just as fine with it as the other.

the_syco

Kimia wrote: »

A friend of mine mentioned that she was thinking about this seriously with her husband

Ask her what happens if she gets pregnant with a child that isn't his?

Also, will she mind if he screws a 20 year old college student with a fantastic body, and the student gets pregnant with his child, what happens then?

Saila

what if you were in a car crash or something and ended up not being able to satisfy your partner anymore, technically you could have sex, but not like before, would you be so quick to outright refuse it based on the fact you cant satisfy them like they need and you both love each other? its win win!

kraggy

the_syco wrote: »

Ask her what happens if she gets pregnant with a child that isn't his?

Also, will she mind if he screws a 20 year old college student with a fantastic body, and the student gets pregnant with his child, what happens then?

There are enough forms of contraception around these days to make sure you don't get pregnant.

Besides, if a couple were contemplating having an open relationship, I'd hope that they would both be VERY careful when sleeping with other partners.

seamus

It would have to depend on the people.

Aside from the risk of another man impregnating my wife (a primal no-no ), neither of us would be capable of a sexual relationship with another person without becoming emotionally involved, it's just the kind of people we are.

Like everyone else, naturally I see a hot woman and get distracted by them, but I think if push came to shove, permission or otherwise it would feel very odd and wrong to me to be having sex with someone who isn't my OH.

Jemmy

Das Kitty wrote: »

I'm sure there are people it works for, I know people in polyamorous relationships that work, so there must be couples with open relationships that work.

Agree with this I'm sure it works for some but personally no it's not for me. If I love and care for someone I wouldn't want to share them or myself purely for sex. It's bascially wanting to be sexually single but emotionally in a relationship. If a relationship as a whole is not satisfying both partners then why stay together if you need to look for something more outside of it.

Saila wrote: »

what if you were in a car crash or something and ended up not being able to satisfy your partner anymore, technically you could have sex, but not like before, would you be so quick to outright refuse it based on the fact you cant satisfy them like they need and you both love each other? its win win!

This is a different issue altogether imo, and every situation is different.

Kimia

Its interesting to see everyone's point of view. I knew a couple who 'swung' and she hated it, she only did it because he wanted to. It was awful for her.

I think I'm the same as Seamus, yes I get distracted when I see a hot man but at the end of the day it would be physically impossible for me to actually do anything. And of course I wouldn't be able to even think about my oh being with someone else.

I will keep an open mind though. Just because it wouldn't be for me doesn't mean it wouldn't work for some people. And it doesn't mean that they are any less in love than I am.

Gareth2011

Kimia wrote: »

Its interesting to see everyone's point of view. I knew a couple who 'swung' and she hated it, she only did it because he wanted to. It was awful for her.

I think I'm the same as Seamus, yes I get distracted when I see a hot man but at the end of the day it would be physically impossible for me to actually do anything. And of course I wouldn't be able to even think about my oh being with someone else.

I will keep an open mind though. Just because it wouldn't be for me doesn't mean it wouldn't work for some people. And it doesn't mean that they are any less in love than I am.

That must have hurt that woman you speak off and maybe feel less for her partner. My wife is 4 hours drive away from me working/college and has been for the last 6 months. Even tho we all get the urge I could never cheat on her I love her very much and I would feel so guilty if I did. But whats been said before it is for some people but not for others.

Saila

Gareth2011 wrote: »

That must have hurt that woman you speak off and maybe feel less for her partner. My wife is 4 hours drive away from me working/college and has been for the last 6 months. Even tho we all get the urge I could never cheat on her I love her very much and I would feel so guilty if I did. But whats been said before it is for some people but not for others.

but in an open relationship its not cheating if you are both ok with it

Truley

Yes and it was the best thing I've ever done. I understand it's not for everyone though.

ElleEm

Storminateacup wrote: »

I personally couldn't. The thoughts of my fiancée with someone else turns my stomach, not just sex but the thoughts of him being emotionally close to someone else is vile.

This.

I could never imagine my partner being physically close with another woman. I even struggled with the idea of him and his exes at the start of our relationship. There is no way I would want to be with anyone else either. I'm crazy about my man!

BarackPyjama

ElleEm wrote: »

This.

I could never imagine my partner being physically close with another woman. I even struggled with the idea of him and his exes at the start of our relationship. There is no way I would want to be with anyone else either. I'm crazy about my man!

As open-minded as I'm trying to be, I don't know how anyone could stand the thought of someone they were in a relationship with having sex with or even dating someone else.

Relationships should involve an emotional investment. Otherwise it's just sex with maybe a platonic friendship; f**k buddies basically. Which again would never work for me. Sex with the same person on a regular basis and emotionality go hand-in-hand IMO.

Anyway, maybe my take on things isn't for everyone. I just can't help but find the idea of an open relationship being completely wrong and the type of people that would consider it acceptable as emotionally lacking and a bit creepy.

daveirl

This post has been deleted.

baby and crumble

There is an argument to be made that one partner for life isn't natural- but that humans naturally seek out many relationships for satisfaction. Marriage and fidelity as a requirement of human social practice, and marrying for love etc really only emerged in the 18th century. Right up until the 1970's, the common understanding was that marriage was an arrangement which facilitated the rearing of children, but that 100% fidelity was not expected. Not everywhere, of course.

I'm with most of you guys though, the idea of my partner being intimate with someone else does turn my stomach, and I wouldn't ever want to be with another person to the detriment of my relationship, ever. But if both people are in agreement, I don't see the problem- so long as everyone is adult and makes their own decisions, then it's fine. As for women who 'go along' with swinging etc., to save their marriage, then while I feel bad for them, it's their own decision to do so. Their husbands aren't monsters because they said what they wanted or needed- they shouldn't be demonised.

And from chatting with people who are polyamorous, there does seem to be a difference between cheating, swinging, open relationships and multiple relationships (polyamory). So people shouldn't get them mixed up.

JuliusCaesar

baby and crumble wrote: »

There is an argument to be made that one partner for life isn't natural- but that humans naturally seek out many relationships for satisfaction. Marriage and fidelity as a requirement of human social practice, and marrying for love etc really only emerged in the 18th century. Right up until the 1970's, the common understanding was that marriage was an arrangement which facilitated the rearing of children, but that 100% fidelity was not expected.

Generally 100% fidelity was expected from women, while men - well, allowances were made. It had to do with women's economic dependence on men. Women with their children are still the losers generally in divorce situations, but that's a different topic.

It'd be interesting to see if there's any divergence of views on open relationships between those who are young/rearing children and those who have finished their child-rearing and have been together for 20+ years.

Me - it would depend on the quality of the long-term relationship. Wouldn't rule it out entirely.

sharper

BarackPyjama wrote: »

As open-minded as I'm trying to be, I don't know how anyone could stand the thought of someone they were in a relationship with having sex with or even dating someone else.

You like someone -> You like when they are happy -> They are happy (in this case with someone else) -> You like that they are happy.

Also see compersion

I think people should always try to keep in mind that not everyone wants the same things they do or to live the same way they do. That doesn't make their relationships lesser, weaker or not as fulfilling (the same can also apply to people that think open relationships are more evolved than monogamous ones).

merlie

No. As I do not consider it to be a relationship then. There would be trust issues and also health issues and so on.

I think in this day and age, its not a healthy thing.

For me, I would never do it, and if the guy I was with wanted too, then I would consider leaving him as I would have doubts about his loyalty and love for me.

There are only two people in a relationship and that's the way it should be.

merlie

merlie wrote: »

No. As I do not consider it to be a relationship then. There would be trust issues and also health issues and so on.

I think in this day and age, its not a healthy thing.

For me, I would never do it, and if the guy I was with wanted too, then I would consider leaving him as I would have doubts about his loyalty and love for me.

There are only two people in a relationship and that's the way it should be.

there's a boardsie happily in a truple


the whole open thing isn't for me and i dont want to share him in a relationship with anyone else, but i can see it might work for others
to each their own

LegacyUser

I definitely wouldn't rule out an open relationship.

I guess it's because, although I've never been cheated on (that I'm aware of), I don't think it would necessarily be a dealbreaker for me if I was. Depending on the circumstances of course.

For example, it's unlikely that I would end an otherwise good relationship over a kiss. Even if it was more than a kiss, I could probably live with it, if he was honest with me about it straight away. I wouldn't demand a million apologies or reassurances, I'd just be curious about why it happened more than anything else.

I know some people might be able to get over their partner having a physical encounter with someone else, but would draw the line at an emotional relationship. However, this would not necessarily be a dealbreaker for me either. I believe that it's possible to be in love with one person, but to have a very strong deep emotional connection with someone else. In fact, although I haven't experienced it, I don't see why you couldn't be in love with two people at the same time.

I don't know, I guess I'm quite secure in myself in some ways. Just because my partner gets happiness out of being with someone else, it does not necessarily mean that I'm doing something wrong or that there's something wrong with our relationship. I would certainly want to know about it if it happened, and I would want to discuss the reasons behind it. But I don't see what's inherently wrong about being with another person just because you're part of a couple ... no matter how perfect the relationship is.

I have been in very long-term relationships before, and my partners would certainly not have shared my views. And I had no problems being faithful to them, because I fully respected how they felt about it - in fact there was never any need to even discuss it. I was already fulfilled in the relationships, and when that was no longer the case, the relationships ended.

However I'm now at a point in my life where I do not want a serious relationship. If I do get into a relationship any time soon, it'll be a low-commitment one. I won't be agreeing not to see other men.

Some people might not consider this to be a relationship, and anyways I know it is unlikely that I'd find a man who would agree to a relationship on those terms. I do think that, in practice, it's probably rare that an open relationship would work out long-term. But it could definitely happen, with the right two people.

I would like to stress that, although I don't see "cheating" - well, seeing other people - as a massive deal, it does not mean that a loyal committed relationship is impossible for me. I've done it in the past and was happy, and will most likely happily do it again, it's just not what I want right now.

The big issue for me is honesty and communication. So long as my partner and I are fully open and honest with each other, I believe that almost anything else can be worked out.

Truley wrote: »

Yes and it was the best thing I've ever done. I understand it's not for everyone though.

I'd be very interested in hearing more about your experience, if you'd be willing to share, as I haven't actually heard any personal experiences of how open relationships have worked out for others.

baby and crumble wrote: »

And from chatting with people who are polyamorous, there does seem to be a difference between cheating, swinging, open relationships and multiple relationships (polyamory). So people shouldn't get them mixed up.

That's a very good point. While I could definitely be happy in an open relationship, I really cannot see myself in a polyamorous relationship (not as I understand it anyways - sort of a "threesome" relationship?) It doesn't mean that I think it's wrong or anything though - it's just not for me.

sharper

cipsier wrote: »

For example, it's unlikely that I would end an otherwise good relationship over a kiss. Even if it was more than a kiss, I could probably live with it, if he was honest with me about it straight away.

The honesty and communication are what matters to me. All the people posting about feeling ill at the thought of their partner with someone else is something I can certainly understand but what makes me feel ill is the idea of them lying to my face.

Kimia

sharper wrote: »

The honesty and communication are what matters to me. All the people posting about feeling ill at the thought of their partner with someone else is something I can certainly understand but what makes me feel ill is the idea of them lying to my face.

Well the thing about an open relationship is that there's no lying as the boundaries have been discussed and set. So that wouldn't be a worry at all.