The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

beertons · 21-12-2011 12:31AM

Eggonyerface wrote: »

The thread title is best joke you ever heard... Is that torres joke really the best joke someone's ever heard?

I thought it was hilarious. Must be a chelsea fan. He's been as much use to them as a chocolate teapot, or have you missed the season so far. Anyway, more jokes please!

Actually. You were right. I take it back. He's brilliant, Mrs Torres.

Capt'n Midnight · 21-12-2011 12:45AM

beertons wrote: »

I thought it was hilarious. Must be a chelsea fan. He's been as much use to them as a chocolate teapot, or have you missed the season so far. Anyway, more jokes please!

http://www.thenakedscientists.com/HTML/content/kitchenscience/exp/how-useless-is-a-chocolate-teapot/

The layer of molten chocolate is viscous, and so it doesn't flow away easily. It then sits as protective layer, insulating the solid chocolate below from the hot water above.

Capt'n Midnight · 21-12-2011 12:47AM

I've been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants; Feefiphobia

razorblunt · 21-12-2011 12:49AM

An old couple are sitting down watching Countdown one day, when the wife asks the husband to make her a cup of tea.
"Two sugars and write it down because you'll forget it' she says.
The man replies 'I'm not senile, I won't forget it'
'And a club milk' she shouts into him.

Twenty minutes later the old man returns with a fully cooked breakfast.The woman looks at the plate, back at her husband, back at plate and sighs..."where the fúck is my toast?"

44leto · 21-12-2011 12:50AM

Both by Frankie Boyle.

Is Camilla what Diana would look like if she survived the accident.

All the paedophiles on the news all seem to wear glasses, what is it about glasses that children find so sexually attractive.

sebastianlieken · 21-12-2011 12:50AM

Did ya hear about the magic tractor?!?! it turned into a field!

d.anthony · 21-12-2011 12:58AM

punk77 wrote: »

Late on in a cup match,with the score at 0-0, the ref awards a dubious penalty to the team in blue. The captain of the team in red, infuriated at this poor decision, menacingly approaches the ref.

Captain: Ref,what would you do if I called you a f**king w*nker?

Referee: I'd give you a red card and send you off straight away!

Captain: What would you do if I just thought you were a f**cking w*nker?

Referee: Nothing! You can think what you want.

Captain: Ref, I think you're a F**CKING W*NKER.

Actually a true story. Celtic Midfielder Bertie Auld said it to ref 'Tiny' Wharton:D

supersparkz · 21-12-2011 11:08PM

Liverpool plan to wear black armbands tomorrow night against Wigan to show support for Luis Suarez after his 8 match ban.

Suarez has objected to the colour of the bands.

supersparkz · 21-12-2011 11:09PM

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

Callan57 · 22-12-2011 03:06PM

supersparkz wrote: »

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

Many a true word spoken in jest :mad:

podgemonster · 22-12-2011 04:47PM

Moses was the first person in History to use the Ctrl C shortcut.

The doctor told me last week that I was colourblind. I wasn't expecting it, the news came straight out of the orange.

Paddy Samurai · 22-12-2011 05:21PM

A female journalist from CNN heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the
wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as
responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a Fcuking wall."

Ellis Dee · 22-12-2011 05:36PM

When Mother Teresa died and went to Heaven, St. Peter welcomed her at the Pearly Gates and they stepped into a vast foyer with hordes of people walking around wearing wings and carrying harps.

He asked her to walk with him to her quarters, where she would get her wings and harp, and later she'd be taken to see God, who was looking forward to meeting her.:)

After a while, she asked St. Peter when she'd be getting her halo, but he told her a halo was only issued after a very, very long time, centuries perhaps, adding "but you're here for all eternity, so there's no rush."

They strolled on for a while, but then she said: "I don't want to go on about the halo thing, but I did devote my whole life to good works and never had sex or anything like that, but I've just noticed Princess Diana - a good friend of mine actually, but hardly a total saint, and she's wearing a halo, although she's only been here for six days."

St. Peter glanced across the foyer and replied: "Oh no, Mother Teresa, that's not a halo. It's a steering wheel.":):)

Voodoomelon · 22-12-2011 06:24PM

sebastianlieken wrote: »

Did ya hear about the magic tractor?!?! it turned into a field!

Did you hear about the gay magician? He disappeared with a puff.

im invisible · 22-12-2011 06:48PM

sebastianlieken wrote: »

Did ya hear about the magic tractor?!?! it turned into a field!

did you see the new film about the tractor?

no, but i saw the trailer

Whispered · 22-12-2011 06:59PM

My fav joke

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian!"

gufnork · 22-12-2011 07:08PM

Q) What's brown and sticky?

A) A stick.

Now that's funny!

casio4 · 22-12-2011 07:19PM

did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

he worked it out with a pencil

gufnork · 22-12-2011 08:05PM

Q) What's wet and slippery?

A) A wet slipper.

Another win...

Capt'n Midnight · 23-12-2011 01:58AM

Five things I want to do before I die : The Saturdays

Following the death of Kim Jong Il, kids all across North Korea must be wondering who will deliver their Christmas presents this year

varadero · 23-12-2011 02:17AM

How many springs are in a lesbians bed ? None ! Its all tongue in groove!

Johnny Foreigner · 24-12-2011 08:06PM

How do you start a rave in Africa?

Glue toast to the ceiling.

puzzle factory · 26-12-2011 02:32AM

I rear ended a midget with my car today. He got out and said "I am not happy"; then I said, well than which dwarf are you?

supersparkz · 26-12-2011 07:17PM

I posted this in another thread but for those who missed it.

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisors office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, Whats wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?? The woman replies

Hes a midget

tacofries · 28-12-2011 06:49PM

what do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back...

a stick.

JessicaRabbit · 28-12-2011 08:37PM

tacofries wrote: »

what do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back...

a stick.

Ha ha

messi1985 · 29-12-2011 06:29PM

if you get banned from driving, give ally mccoist a call.. apparently here is fooking brilliant at making 15 points disappear!

Nodster · 30-12-2011 01:56AM

Caution about drinking and driving this Christmas - It happened to me.

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and
driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from various social sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many glasses of wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I
have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

alwayssideways · 30-12-2011 04:15PM

I starred in a James Bond themed porno last week and the director was extremely pleased with my performance.

I came right on Q

Capt'n Midnight · 30-12-2011 06:56PM

Blackburn manager Steve Kean has signed a new contract.

He will now get 300 minutes and unlimited texts for £20-a-month.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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