The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

OurLadyofKnock · 09-12-2011 01:55AM

Carlsberg Don't Do Alzeimers Disease, But He Does Bake Exceedingly Good Cakes.

OurLadyofKnock · 09-12-2011 02:07AM

What did Gary Glitter Say When His 10 Year Old Newhew Sent His Photo?

"I can see myself in you."

Curly Judge · 09-12-2011 02:34AM

talla10 wrote: »

Yeah i read Overheard in Dublin too :P

I'm surprised you'r able to read.

Frowzy · 09-12-2011 06:51AM

I felt sorry for the hypnotist i saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys then tripped over the microphone and yelled "**** me"......What happened next will haunt me forever

talla10 · 09-12-2011 08:18PM

Curly Judge wrote: »

I'm surprised you'r able to read.

And whats that meant to mean. And surely you meant 'You're'?

Rick Deckard · 11-12-2011 01:36AM

talla10 wrote: »

And whats that meant to mean. And surely you meant 'You're'?

i don't get it!!

KKkitty · 11-12-2011 01:51AM

livinsane wrote: »

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

It's impossible to say "Good Eye Might" without sounding Australian.

Also say Beer Can in an English accent to sound Jamaican.

And to sound posh, say Air Hair Lair.

This is one for your non irish friends to try out, get them to say well oil beef hooked. They'll surely sound irish trying to say it :-)

pudzey101 · 11-12-2011 02:38AM

After shagging a fat chick whilst I was drunk the next morning I said to her, "Here, if you want to see me again call this number."
"Awww, men don't usually give me their numbers," she responded.
I said, "It's not mine. It's Weight Watchers."

Jack Daniels I · 11-12-2011 03:55AM

my new trick to get my dog to eat my spunk is coming on a treat!

kevmol88 · 13-12-2011 03:24PM

> The teacher said,
> "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
> > Who said
> > 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
> > She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki
> > a bright foreign exchange student from Japan ,
> > who had his hand up:
> > 'Patrick Henry, 1775',
> > he said.
> > 'Very good!'
> > Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People,
> > for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
> > Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki,
> > 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
> > 'Excellent!',
> > said the teacher continuing,
> > 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'
> > Who said,
> > 'Ask not what your country can do for you,
> > but what you can do for your country?'
> > Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said:
> > 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.
> > The teacher snapped at the class,
> > 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki
> isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'
> > She heard a loud whisper:
> > 'F . . k the Japs,'
> > 'Who said that?
> > I want to know right now!'
> > she angrily demanded.
> > Little Hodiaki put his hand up,
> > 'General MacArthur, 1945.'
> > At that point, a student in the back said,
> > 'I'm gonna puke.'
> > The teacher glared around and asks,
> > 'All right! Now who said that!?'
> > Again, Little Hodiaki said,
> > 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
> > Now furious, another student yelled,
> > 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
> > Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and
> shouted to the teacher,
> > 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
> > Now with almost mob hysteria someone said,
> > 'You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
> > Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice,
> > "Michael Jackson to the child witness
> > testifying against him, 2004.'
> > The teacher fainted.
> > As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone
> said,
> > 'Oh ****, We're screwed!'
>
> Little Hodiaki said quietly,
>
>
>
> 'The Irish people, 2011.’

smash · 13-12-2011 03:30PM

I invested in a company last year to fight terrorism. They create bombs disguised as pray mats for Muslim fundamentalist terrorists... it's really taken off and prophets are going through the roof!

stickyface · 14-12-2011 12:50AM

Bound to have been told already....

What do you call a fat computer?

A Dell

niallo27 · 14-12-2011 02:41PM

Now that India has allowed homosexuality, the first lesbian couple have got married,so congratulations to Sukme Phlaps and Makemeclit Singh

TwoShedsJackson · 16-12-2011 11:59AM

Three guys are in a Soviet prison in the 1940's, they get chatting and two of them ask the first one what he's in for.

'I insulted Comrade Popov in 1939' he says. Then they ask the second guy what he's in for.

'I praised Comrade Popov in 1943' he says. The turn to the third guy and ask him what he's in for.

'I'm Comrade Popov'.

getz · 16-12-2011 12:14PM

a goverment official goes to see thomas on his farm, and askes,HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE WORKING ON THE FARM<AND WHAT DO YOU PAY THEM,well there is young jimmy i pay him £240 a week,then there is old tom he works part time and i pay him £100 a week but he gets to live in the cottage for free,and then there is the idiot he only get £25 a week but gets to sleep with my wife, OK THEN I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THE IDIOT,yes sir your looking at him

Pace2008 · 16-12-2011 08:59PM

Geroge Best walks into an offo, grabs a slab of Heinken and slaps it on the counter, and asks for a bottle of Smirnoff. The barman shakes his head and says "No can do, mate."

"Why not?" Best asks angrily.

The barman replies "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."

JessicaRabbit · 17-12-2011 03:42PM

As the Christmas spirit will be flowing over the festivities I thought I
would share this experience about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the
authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and
had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret. Knowing full well I
may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done
before - I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident,
which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not
sure where I got this one.

younge · 17-12-2011 03:57PM

Statistically.. 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

Ellis Dee · 17-12-2011 04:14PM

A fellow goes to the doctor complaining about a really sore rash around his waist. The doctor asks him to strip off and, sure enough, he has a sore band about an inch wide all around, a bit below his navel.

The doctor looks at it and says he'll take some swabs. At the same time, he remarks that the man's scrotum is a very dark yellow colour and asks to examine it, but the guy adamantly refuses and says it's only the rash he's worried about. The doctor takes the swabs and asks the guy to come back in a week.

A week later, the patient is back and the doctor tells him the lab tests have revealed that he is allergic to a detergent and the rash is being caused by the fact that his underpants haven't been rinsed thoroughly enough when they are washed.

Then he adds: "I'd really like to see what is causing that dark yellow discolouration of your scrotum", but the guy curtly tells him it doesn't matter and all he wanted to know was what was causing the rash.

As soon as he gets home, he starts growling at the missus for not rinsing his underpants properly and complains about the painful rash that he has suffered as a result.

She gets annoyed at him and yells. "I'm cooking, doing the laundry, ironing, minding the kids, cleaning the house, walking the dog. I'm going nearly 24 hours a day and yer still not satisfied. I don't get time to wipe me arse!"

He says. "And that's another fcuking thing!":):)

punk77 · 20-12-2011 02:15PM

Late on in a cup match,with the score at 0-0, the ref awards a dubious penalty to the team in blue. The captain of the team in red, infuriated at this poor decision, menacingly approaches the ref.

Captain: Ref,what would you do if I called you a f**king w*nker?

Referee: I'd give you a red card and send you off straight away!

Captain: What would you do if I just thought you were a f**cking w*nker?

Referee: Nothing! You can think what you want.

Captain: Ref, I think you're a F**CKING W*NKER.

Mr.Plough · 20-12-2011 05:05PM

In a car, one dylexic asks another, "can you smell petrol?"

Other replies, "I can't even smell my own name"

frag420 · 20-12-2011 05:43PM

Mr.Plough wrote: »

In a car, one dylexic asks another, "can you smell petrol?"

Other replies, "I can't even smell my own name"

Were they hard of hearing too??

barone · 20-12-2011 05:49PM

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life.

The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary... Mary..." Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?" "Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

"Well, what is it like?" Fred excitedly tells his tale, "Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the next day."

So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven."

Fred replies, "Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

beertons · 20-12-2011 10:04PM

Arsene Wenger sent Alex Ferguson a present for Christmas. Fergie unwrapped the gift, and saw the words "Torres's best bits"

Fergies stuck the dvd in and pressed play.

Dvd was blank.

Guill · 20-12-2011 10:21PM

beertons wrote: »

Arsene Wenger sent Alex Ferguson a present for Christmas. Fergie unwrapped the gift, and saw the words "Torres's best bits"

Fergies stuck the dvd in and pressed play.

Dvd was blank.

Not good.

caca2011 · 20-12-2011 11:00PM

I was sitting in the living room when I heard my wife's voice in the kitchen. "What do you want for dinner love?, chicken, beef or lamb?", "Chicken", I replied. She said "you'll have soup you fat b***tard, I was talking to the cat!"

hypermuse · 21-12-2011 12:08AM

beertons wrote: »

Arsene Wenger sent Alex Ferguson a present for Christmas. Fergie unwrapped the gift, and saw the words "Torres's best bits"

Fergies stuck the dvd in and pressed play.

Dvd was blank.

oh beery.. might have to defriend ya for that one!

Thanked coz it was so bad it was almost good

Eggonyerface · 21-12-2011 12:14AM

The thread title is best joke you ever heard... Is that torres joke really the best joke someone's ever heard?

supersparkz · 21-12-2011 12:20AM

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."

"That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?"

CarrickMcJoe · 21-12-2011 12:21AM

Wife says to husband "Darling, Id love to have a huge pair of tits".

Husband looks at her and says, "thats easy, just get a piece of toilet roll and rub it between them once a day".

"DO you think that would really work?" she asks.

"Why not, says he, "It worked on your ass"!

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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