The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

loremolis · 12-11-2011 12:53PM

barone wrote: »

...............

'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to hurt ! ! ! ! ! !

Maybe it's becuase I have a filthy mind but I started laughing here.

All I could picture was the length of the broom handle and how much that would hurt.

I was disappointed when I scrolled down and read the actual punchline.

getz · 12-11-2011 01:03PM

old pat gets up out of his armchair and puts his coat on,betty his wife says where you going,pats says to the doctor to get some of that viagra,betty puts her coat on and says i am coming with you,why says pat are you sick,no said betty but if you are going to put that rusty old thing in me ,i am going to get a tetanus jab

rainbowdrop · 12-11-2011 06:05PM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Now then...Now then pop pickers.
This weeks non-mover is Jimmy Saville.

10 years ago we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs and Jimmy Saville!

Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and no fucker to fix it......

hondasam · 12-11-2011 06:55PM

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out late at night."
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."
The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.

When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.

As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

texidub · 13-11-2011 03:27PM

A Jelly Baby goes to the doctor.

"What can I do for you?" asks the Doc.

"I need an AIDS test," sez the Jelly Baby.

"Fook me," sez the Doc and scratches his head. "Alright. I'll do it... but if you don't mind me saying, it's kind of unusual to have a Jelly Baby in my surgery looking for an AIDS test. What have you been up to?"

"Ah, I've been f u cking Allsorts."

YouTookMyName · 14-11-2011 05:27PM

Flooding in thailand is getting worse, they interviewed a lady who just emerged from the water, and she reckoned it came right up to her bollocks!

daithieoghan · 14-11-2011 11:09PM

European Championship Groups Announced tonight. Republic of Ireland have been drawn in group d. The group is as follows:
Group D.
1. Greece
2. Italy
3. Portugal
4. Rep. Of Ireland
This group has already been singled out by journalists as the group of debt.

JessicaRabbit · 14-11-2011 11:12PM

Paddy and Mick were on a plane when the roof blew off. Paddy says to Mick " If this plane goes upside down, will we fall out?"
Mick: "No Paddy, no matter what happens, we'll always be friends!"

Bassboxxx · 22-11-2011 01:55PM

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

Rocky_Dennis · 22-11-2011 03:24PM

What do you call a Limerick man in a suit?
Guilty.

What do you call a Limerick woman in a tracksuit?
The bride.

chughes · 23-11-2011 11:34AM

Sometimes you find out new facts about Christmas that you never knew before. For example, did you know that there is a reindeer that you don't hear much of ? He's called Benjy the Brown Nosed Reindeer. Apparently he's as fast as Rudolph but he's not as quick at stopping.

cheater · 23-11-2011 11:53AM

3 mice are in a bar discussing who's the toughest mouse.

1st mouse says "I'm the toughest last night I took the cheese out of the trap and bench pressed it 100 times"

2nd mouse says "That's nothing last night I snorted a load of rat poison and ran around the place all night, nothing wrong with me"

3rd mouse grabs his coat and gets up to leave. The other two mice ask him where he's going..

"Home to bang the cat" he replies.

backinexile · 23-11-2011 02:21PM

D'ya wanna hear a joke about Carbon Dioxide?

You'll love it, it's gas!

JessicaRabbit · 25-11-2011 11:17PM

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

razorblunt · 25-11-2011 11:38PM

Big Issues at the moment...
..I'm used to it though...probably due to my big-ish feet.

alchemist33 · 25-11-2011 11:44PM

I took 5 Es last night.

Worst letter selection I've ever had in Scrabble.

barone · 27-11-2011 02:15PM

Advanced Sex Position For Girls: Rodeo

Tie the guys limbs to the bed, then get in the cow-girl position. Tell him that you have crabs and try stay on for as long as possible

Curly Judge · 27-11-2011 07:53PM

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else..

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. '

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.'

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

senorwipesalot · 27-11-2011 08:15PM

Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
A. Potpourri

27-11-2011 08:22PM

Be careful who you order a 5 year old Scotch from. You might just be done for child trafficking.

delaad · 27-11-2011 08:46PM

So a guy walks into a chip shop, and there's a cow behind the counter.

So the cow goes, "you surprised to see me?"

And he says, "no, no, no, just wondering when the horse sold the place."

barone · 28-11-2011 07:33PM

What's the best thing about a girl with a gastric bag?

Her arse is always clean

Curly Judge · 29-11-2011 05:25PM

1. Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore!

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

beertons · 29-11-2011 06:58PM

A doctor was examining a woman who had been rushed into the Emergency Room. He took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither, doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

**Timbuk2** · 29-11-2011 07:05PM

Grab your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.

Duffman K · 29-11-2011 07:13PM

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

kfallon · 29-11-2011 07:29PM

What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese phone :P

marcsignal · 30-11-2011 05:43PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dgx1f3ssb08

Kippure · 30-11-2011 07:31PM

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said with a Wispa. "I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he replied.
He touched her Creme Eggs and slipped his hand into her Snickers.
He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre.
But 3 days later his sherbert dib-dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got ****in Allsorts!!

Ellis Dee · 30-11-2011 09:16PM

An elderly gentleman is sitting in a first-class carriage in a train when a tweedy elderly lady sits down in the seat opposite him.

Then she notices his fly is open and pokes him with her umbrella, saying "Do you know there's something sticking out of your trousers?"

He looks down and replies: "You flatter yourself, Madam. It's hanging out!":pac::pac:

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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