The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

MetalDog · 26-10-2011 02:21PM

Jokes about particle physics give me a hadron.

eamonnq · 26-10-2011 02:26PM

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea, one called Justin, the other called
Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by
sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed-up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large and mysterious cod appeared and said "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold, found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best
friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture,
Justin set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gates
memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's
me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again!" Christian
replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy, and
I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back " No, I'm
not.That was the old me. I've changed, I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again
Christian."

sausages79 · 26-10-2011 02:29PM

What do you get hanging from apple trees?..................

Sore arms :-)

jacko · 26-10-2011 02:47PM

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your a$$hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably down at the golf club with his friends."

Ramza · 26-10-2011 03:52PM

Two fat lads are sat in the pub, they finish their drinks. One turns to the other and says "Your round" the other guy turns around and says "So are you, ya fat ****!"

--Kaiser-- · 26-10-2011 04:03PM

Knock knock
Who's there?
To
To Who?
<tut> <tut>...To Whom...

KeithM89_old · 26-10-2011 09:01PM

Whole load of shite removed. If you dont like a joke, ignore it and move on.

wiger toods · 26-10-2011 09:11PM

How do you keep a boards moderator busy?
Look Below!

How do you keep a boards moderator busy?
Look Above!

Dazza · 26-10-2011 09:13PM

wiger toods wrote: »

How do you keep a boards moderator busy?
Look Below!

How do you keep a boards moderator busy?
Look Above!

No.

veryangryman · 26-10-2011 09:37PM

^^^^^^

The work of a sh1te shoveller is never complete.

MungBean · 26-10-2011 09:52PM

Wrote this as a reply in another thread about scat porn which got locked. Couldnt let it go to waste

Coprophilia From the Greek meaning Excrement fondness.

What shall we call this cretin Sir Dictionary ? *inserts monocle to view shít covered peasant*

Frightfully dirty chap, seems to have an odd fondness for excrement Lord English.

Excrement fondness it is then, best translate it to Greek though so the rest of the peasants dont get wind of it.

Too late I fear Lord English, I believe the wind has changed *chortle chortle chortle* Filthy peasants.

DualFrontDiscs · 26-10-2011 09:55PM

MungBean wrote: »

Couldnt let it go to waste

Unpardonable pun....

wiger toods · 26-10-2011 10:09PM

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

fulhamfanincork · 27-10-2011 02:42PM

ericl wrote: »

Good news for insomniacs -

only 3 more sleeps 'til Christmas.

anyone explain this joke to me please?

--Kaiser-- · 27-10-2011 02:43PM

fulhamfanincork wrote: »

anyone explain this joke to me please?

Insomniacs have trouble sleeping.....thus may only sleep 3 times until Xmas....

im invisible · 27-10-2011 03:21PM

wiger toods wrote: »

How do you keep a boards moderator busy?
Look Below!

wanna watch virtual tennis?

look right...

...look left

How do you keep a boards moderator busy?
Look Above!

Bobby Baccala · 27-10-2011 09:21PM

I was pushing my Nephew around in the park yesterday and he was screaming and crying,

My fault really, I forgot the pram.

A man crashes into a dwarf while driving.
The dwarf quite upset gets out of his car and says to the other driver i'm not happy.
The driver turns to him and says which of the seven are ye then?

:D:D:D:D:D:D

Canard · 27-10-2011 09:31PM

Meh, sickipedia quoting in this thread is getting a bit repetitive, how about some jokes that arent on that site's front page? Just a thought.

Bobby Baccala · 27-10-2011 09:34PM

KeithM89 wrote: »

Whole load of shite removed. If you dont like a joke, ignore it and move on.

Patchy~ wrote: »

Meh, sickipedia quoting in this thread is getting a bit repetitive, how about some jokes that arent on that site's front page? Just a thought.

You didnt see that did you?

livinsane · 27-10-2011 09:34PM

ericl wrote: »

Good news for insomniacs -

only 3 more sleeps 'til Christmas.

I thought I suffered from insomnia for six months. Turns out I was having a recurring dream about not being able to sleep.

policarp · 28-10-2011 12:45AM

KeithM89 wrote: »

Whole load of shite removed. If you dont like a joke, ignore it and move on.

You have scoured the whole site?

barone · 28-10-2011 09:36PM

Subject: Sleeping with Bob

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because
he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay
with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with
his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened
to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all
night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing,
hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to
you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his
snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's
man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what
happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted
him on the ass and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all
night.

Curly Judge · 30-10-2011 03:32PM

The three great lies in life.
1] I tried to phone you yesterday.
2] The cheque's in the post.
3] I'll only put it in a little bit.

gerrymartin · 30-10-2011 11:29PM

Dear Jimmy.
I have had an idea about posting something funny on facebook
about a radio DJ/TV presenter
who has died recently..........

Can you fix it for me?

31-10-2011 01:27AM

Curly Judge wrote: »

The three great lies in life.
1] I tried to phone you yesterday.
2] The cheque's in the post.
3] I'll only put it in a little bit.

4) Don't worry, this won't hurt!

krustydoyle · 31-10-2011 08:35PM

So what if my son has Downs syndrome. It's saved me a ****ing fortune in Halloween masks over the years.

:pac::D:pac:

So it seems that Jimmy Saville got my last letter???

4leto · 31-10-2011 08:40PM

Curly Judge wrote: »

The three great lies in life.
1] I tried to phone you yesterday.
2] The cheque's in the post.
3] I'll only put it in a little bit.

4 we are the Americans we are here to help
5 I promise snow white I wont cum in your mouth

pudzey101 · 31-10-2011 08:45PM

Was driving there the other day, pulled up at a red light.
This ****box of a 1.0 Corsa pulled up alongside
4 skangers inside, 'bagin' toons' on the stereo which cost more than the car did.
Light turns green.
They peel out with a rasp through the fartcannon and a chirp from the tires.
Straight into the path of a speeding artic' truck.
Bits of body and bodywork fly everwhere. ****ers never even had a chance.
I'm left sitting there, thinking, that could've been me.
That could've been me.
So ****it, I'm applying for my truck license tomorrow

seanybiker · 31-10-2011 08:54PM

Curly Judge wrote: »

The three great lies in life.
1] I tried to phone you yesterday.
2] The cheque's in the post.
3] I'll only put it in a little bit.

David Allan coe explains it well

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVPwFSep0Ig

MetalDog · 01-11-2011 09:44PM

My pretentious new girlfriend took me down to her film club last night.

I think I was a little out of my depth.

They were all juxtaposition this, and narrative that, and how they adore the use of subtext.

Then I was asked, "And do you have a favourite indie film?"

"Err, Temple of Doom?"

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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