Adult only wedding yes or no?

Glitter wrote: »

This problem has just reared it's ugly head for us too. My finace's mum called yesterday with the news that apparently my finace's sister and her husband are flying in from Australia for our wedding next year, which we did not expect. She and her husband have just had a baby. How can we expect her to find a babysitter in Dublin (the family is based in Mayo) for our day??
Our wedding will really not be suitable for kids at all , it's black tie/formal in a room that is basically a library filled with valuable antique books for starters!

ooh awkward, especially as you didnt think they'd go. That's a bit like us, OH reckons they wont travel, but all his gang LOVE a good wedding and visits back to Ireland. We have to assume they'll go for our numbers estimates.

Is your venue also the accommodation? Hotel might look after babysitting from that end

Bride2012 wrote: »

Ohh awkward. Your venue sounds gorgeous though. Nearby babysitter maybe?

I googled 'adult only wedding' to check out etiquette and invitation wording etc. Some of the sites are unreal, the wedding sites support them in the main as long as it's all or nothing with the exception of own kids or flower girls and page boys but the parenting sites, wow! 'How dare they split up a family and choose adults over kids' or 'they should know that I'll still be breast feeding my two year old'.

ugh no one cares about other people's kids, that's why! Was at a mate's wedding recently, they were lucky in that no nieces or nephews yet for both of them, so had a kid-free wedding. It was in the bride's hometown, so the following day they had a small party in a local pub and aunts, cousins etc brought the kids along to that. it was a great compromise and good fun, but at the same time I dont think anyone was put out that the kids weren't invited to the wedding to begin with, presumably cos it was a local wedding anyway. I'd do this if it was an option for us, but it isn't really

stinkle wrote: »

ooh awkward, especially as you didnt think they'd go. That's a bit like us, OH reckons they wont travel, but all his gang LOVE a good wedding and visits back to Ireland. We have to assume they'll go for our numbers estimates.

I hear ya - I'm starting to suspect that all the the international invites I dismissed as "ah sure, half of them won't come" WILL come now. Gah!

stinkle wrote: »

Is your venue also the accommodation? Hotel might look after babysitting from that end

Good call - I'll check with them about that.

Bride2012 wrote: »

Ohh awkward. Your venue sounds gorgeous though. Nearby babysitter maybe?

Thanks! It's the Radisson Blu St. Helens in Stillorgan - their La Panto Suite, it's half library, half Georgian drawing room. It's my fantasy venue! Couldn't belive it when we went to see it.
Will def. check babysitting options in the locale.

Bride2012 wrote: »

I googled 'adult only wedding' to check out etiquette and invitation wording etc. Some of the sites are unreal, the wedding sites support them in the main as long as it's all or nothing with the exception of own kids or flower girls and page boys but the parenting sites, wow! 'How dare they split up a family and choose adults over kids' or 'they should know that I'll still be breast feeding my two year old'.

Jebus H! I really hope it doesn't come to anything like that, none of my friends have kids yet so it shouldn't be an issue as we're only inviting aunts and uncles, not cousins. But this Australian thing has thrown me for a loop.

Toots* wrote: »

My brother in law had an adults only wedding and the way they did their invitation was they had all the normal bits and pieces on it and the names were say 'Mr & Mrs Toots' and then at the RSVP details it said 'We have reserved 2 places in your honour, please let us know if you will be able to attend by X date.'

Thats genius, I'm writing that down!

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

...Now how on earth can you enjoy yourself?!

it is difficult, even if its a 'child friendly' wedding - you can't both stay up late, you can't both drink, one of you will miss great lumps of the evening, and the whole thing, by and large, is pretty unsatisfactory for all involved.

we generally can't get a babysitter for overnight jobs, so either we decline, one of us goes while the other declines, or if the couple particularly want us there, we take the kids to the service itself, then leg it.

i generally don't enjoy weddings, and i certainly agree that tired, bored kids with drunken/feckless parents are a disaster for everyone else they are inflicted upon - however, there are two problems that aggravate this that fall outside the particular parents control.

(i) in the society that we live, the geographicly close family is much less prevailant - quite simply, they may not be anyone within 200 miles that will have your kids overnight.

(ii) close friends and family generally aren't just 'invited' to a wedding, they are expected to attend - by the couple themselves, and by the rest of the family. if you send a 'sorry, can't come' RSVP you may well get a snotty comment or phone call that damages relationships you don't want damaged.

the OP aludes to the thread in PI about this issue - in that thread the couple are, to some degree, offended that another couple they invited to their child free wedding have declined because they can't get childcare. that couple, entirely reasonably, decided that they didn't want kids at the wedding - thats fine, but they can't then bitch when the hurdle that they placed in the way of people attending their wedding stopped people attending their wedding.

the couple have the absolute right to have the wedding they want, but if they choose to get married in the top turret of a fairytale castle they can't pretent to be surprised when 89 yo wheelchair-bound Aunty Edna doesn't come, and its exactly the same with inviting parents of kids to adults only weddings - if you place barriers to people attending, some of those barriers will, astonishingly, stop people attending.

stinkle wrote: »

Thats genius, I'm writing that down!

Me too lol

I have never came across anyone who would presume their kids were invited if their name wasnt on the invitation. We invited all my husbands neice and nephews to our wedding and also my young cousins as their parents were travelling from england especially to be at our wedding. It didnt impact on our day at all they didnt cost me a thought it wasnt my job to be looking after them! My children have been invited to all my siblings weddings and have gone, and yes it is a completly different day for people who have children with them but that is their problem. My kids have been invited to the wedding of a couple of our close friends, this wasnt expected and we didnt bring them, I didnt see the point as they would have known none of the other children and been bored.
Glitter I am going to be honest here and say I am suprised that you are seeing your fiances sisters child as been a problem. Its one small child and they are travelling across the world to come to your wedding, surely that must mean something if not to you but to your fiance and his family. I definetly think you should issue an invite for them all and mention none of the concerns you have, you may end up tarnishing what should be a very special visit.

Here's a question though....

Kids.... Teens.... Young adults....
Where do you draw the line?

For example, one household in my family has five boys ranging from 18 down to 5.

What would be the best way to work that out if I didn't want kids at the event?

Maybe individual invites for the parents and then for the 18 & 16 year old?

aw wrote: »

Maybe individual invites for the parents and then for the 18 & 16 year old?

I'm the oldest of 23 grandchildren on one side of my family and whenever there was a wedding that the nieces and nephews weren't invited to I didn't get an invite, even in my 20s. I was fine with it as I knew that if you invite one and not the others it can make people feel left out and that inviting us all could cost 4 figures. The only time I was ever at a family wedding without my brothers or cousins was if I was in the wedding party.

HairMonster wrote: »

I can't speak for Glitter, but if it was me my main concern would be that the other guests who's kids weren't invited would be offended. I know it makes sense that they came from Oz with their child so the other guests shouldn't be put out, but since when did weddings and sense go together?

To the OP: I agree with everyone else - if you want an adult-free wedding then go for it. Explain that its down to numbers and not that you don't want the kids there and hope they understand. But it really doesn't matter what you do, you'll never please everyone... so you may as well please yourself!

That's what I took from it too - and as I said above we are in the same position - OH's Cousin X from the States has 2 kids, one of which is exactly the same age as OH's Cousin Y's child (live in Ireland) who we don't plan on inviting. On my side, Cousin Z from the states just had a baby, and this cousin's sister has 2 slightly older kids, again who live in Ireland and aren't invited. The only good thing about my US cousin is that her husband's family are also in Dublin, so maybe there's a chance they'll babysit, or else her and her sister might share childminding. I won't be suggesting that or anything - it might seem unfair to bring a kid across the ocean and dump it on strangers. I actually don't care if the yanks bring their kids, it's the backlash of the others I'd be dreading...

As for the older kids (in fairness if there's toddlers allowed can you imagine how put out the parents of the "big kids" will be?! agh!) - am thinking of planning the wedding for a school day! :pac:

HairMonster wrote: »

I can't speak for Glitter, but if it was me my main concern would be that the other guests who's kids weren't invited would be offended. I know it makes sense that they came from Oz with their child so the other guests shouldn't be put out, but since when did weddings and sense go together?

Yes exactly, it opens up a door we really don't want to go through!
Another sibling of my fiance's has a 10 year old we weren't planning to invite either. Now if Baby Oz is coming it makes it that bit harder to say no to her.

@ is mise astra
See above as the main reason, but also, "one small child" = "one small screeching, crying, snotty, ambience-ruining distraction" in my book.
I am not a child-person.
(And nor is my fiance btw, hence the original decision to have an adult only day.)

OS119 wrote: »

10 year olds however are a different story. they are self-propelled, they are wilfull, they want to be where the action is - even if that action bores them to tears so they start to play up.

can you go with the cost issue? i.e. a small child (bigger than baby, perhaps under four?) is unlikely to actually be old enough eat any of the delicious dinner provided. Excuse my ignorance, I don't have kids, I could be madly overestimating the age that they happily eat "normal" food, I'm talking the age when parents bring formula, or jars of mushed up stuff for them. whereas for say a 10 year old you'd probably need to provide a suitable menu for them, possibly separate from the grown-up menu, at a cost to you

OS119 wrote: »

i wouldn't - its too easy for the parents to say 'oh don't worry, here's €20.

what do you say then?

in terms of the actual cost, it would depend on the 10yo - some might be still at fishfingers, chips and beans, some might happily tuck into a four course, €100 meal and eat more of that most of the adults.

that's such a good point, and in fairness chucking a few quid at you might be cheaper to them than sorting a babysitter for the night, bah! answers for everything!