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Child Item

Adult only wedding yes or no?

Bride2012

We were discussing having an adult only wedding as we both have young first cousins and friends and cousins with young kids. It would add up to a lot of extra seats and the kids tend to rule the dancefloor.

I'm not sure how it would go down with everyone though. A thread on another forum had a bride who was upset as close friends of theirs aren't coming because they cannot get childcare.

What do parents think, would you mind an adult only invitation or would your kids being there be important to you?

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stinkle

Glitter wrote: »

This problem has just reared it's ugly head for us too. My finace's mum called yesterday with the news that apparently my finace's sister and her husband are flying in from Australia for our wedding next year, which we did not expect. She and her husband have just had a baby. How can we expect her to find a babysitter in Dublin (the family is based in Mayo) for our day??
Our wedding will really not be suitable for kids at all , it's black tie/formal in a room that is basically a library filled with valuable antique books for starters!

ooh awkward, especially as you didnt think they'd go. That's a bit like us, OH reckons they wont travel, but all his gang LOVE a good wedding and visits back to Ireland. We have to assume they'll go for our numbers estimates.

Is your venue also the accommodation? Hotel might look after babysitting from that end

tfitzgerald

I think that children have as much right to go to a wedding as much as anyone else as for them ruling the dancefloor at least it's better than the drunk cousin that always seems to be at these things

Bride2012

Glitter wrote: »

This problem has just reared it's ugly head for us too. My finace's mum called yesterday with the news that apparently my finace's sister and her husband are flying in from Australia for our wedding next year, which we did not expect. She and her husband have just had a baby. How can we expect her to find a babysitter in Dublin (the family is based in Mayo) for our day??
Our wedding will really not be suitable for kids at all , it's black tie/formal in a room that is basically a library filled with valuable antique books for starters!

Ohh awkward. Your venue sounds gorgeous though. Nearby babysitter maybe?

I googled 'adult only wedding' to check out etiquette and invitation wording etc. Some of the sites are unreal, the wedding sites support them in the main as long as it's all or nothing with the exception of own kids or flower girls and page boys but the parenting sites, wow! 'How dare they split up a family and choose adults over kids' or 'they should know that I'll still be breast feeding my two year old'.

Kathnora

Another aspect of having children at a wedding is the extra expense on parents to dress their children for the occasion. Some parents may not want to spend money on buying formal clothes (e.g. proper trousers for boys as opposed to jeans) that may not be worn again. It all costs money and.....if my children were invited to a wedding I would feel that I'd have to give an even bigger wedding gift. Bottom line... you could be doing some parents a favor by not inviting children!!

stinkle

Bride2012 wrote: »

Ohh awkward. Your venue sounds gorgeous though. Nearby babysitter maybe?

I googled 'adult only wedding' to check out etiquette and invitation wording etc. Some of the sites are unreal, the wedding sites support them in the main as long as it's all or nothing with the exception of own kids or flower girls and page boys but the parenting sites, wow! 'How dare they split up a family and choose adults over kids' or 'they should know that I'll still be breast feeding my two year old'.

ugh no one cares about other people's kids, that's why! Was at a mate's wedding recently, they were lucky in that no nieces or nephews yet for both of them, so had a kid-free wedding. It was in the bride's hometown, so the following day they had a small party in a local pub and aunts, cousins etc brought the kids along to that. it was a great compromise and good fun, but at the same time I dont think anyone was put out that the kids weren't invited to the wedding to begin with, presumably cos it was a local wedding anyway. I'd do this if it was an option for us, but it isn't really

moco

I'm having adult only! Mostly to keep costs down. If I ask one child I'll have to ask them all, and it'd add about 60 extra guests on which we really can't afford.

Glitter

stinkle wrote: »

ooh awkward, especially as you didnt think they'd go. That's a bit like us, OH reckons they wont travel, but all his gang LOVE a good wedding and visits back to Ireland. We have to assume they'll go for our numbers estimates.

I hear ya - I'm starting to suspect that all the the international invites I dismissed as "ah sure, half of them won't come" WILL come now. Gah!

stinkle wrote: »

Is your venue also the accommodation? Hotel might look after babysitting from that end

Good call - I'll check with them about that.

Bride2012 wrote: »

Ohh awkward. Your venue sounds gorgeous though. Nearby babysitter maybe?

Thanks!

It's the Radisson Blu St. Helens in Stillorgan - their La Panto Suite, it's half library, half Georgian drawing room. It's my fantasy venue! Couldn't belive it when we went to see it.
Will def. check babysitting options in the locale.

Bride2012 wrote: »

I googled 'adult only wedding' to check out etiquette and invitation wording etc. Some of the sites are unreal, the wedding sites support them in the main as long as it's all or nothing with the exception of own kids or flower girls and page boys but the parenting sites, wow! 'How dare they split up a family and choose adults over kids' or 'they should know that I'll still be breast feeding my two year old'.

Jebus H! I really hope it doesn't come to anything like that, none of my friends have kids yet so it shouldn't be an issue as we're only inviting aunts and uncles, not cousins. But this Australian thing has thrown me for a loop.

Toots

My brother in law had an adults only wedding and the way they did their invitation was they had all the normal bits and pieces on it and the names were say 'Mr & Mrs Toots' and then at the RSVP details it said 'We have reserved 2 places in your honour, please let us know if you will be able to attend by X date.'

stinkle

Toots* wrote: »

My brother in law had an adults only wedding and the way they did their invitation was they had all the normal bits and pieces on it and the names were say 'Mr & Mrs Toots' and then at the RSVP details it said 'We have reserved 2 places in your honour, please let us know if you will be able to attend by X date.'

Thats genius, I'm writing that down!

Sunny Dayz

I must prefer an adult wedding, I have never bought my son to a wedding - I must prefer a night off, I get plenty of notice and have time to organise childcare.

For our own wedding, we are having our son and his 4 cousins and that's it. Any of our friends with children are not bringing theirs (as far as I know!)

I was at a wedding last year where a couple didn't have a moment's peace, child kicked off in the church so one of them missed the whole cermony, child then needed nap so one of them need to bring the child up to the room, child kicked off during meal, they took in turns to eat courses, one had to miss speeches, one had to have an early night. Now how on earth can you enjoy yourself?!

OS119

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

...Now how on earth can you enjoy yourself?!

it is difficult, even if its a 'child friendly' wedding - you can't both stay up late, you can't both drink, one of you will miss great lumps of the evening, and the whole thing, by and large, is pretty unsatisfactory for all involved.

we generally can't get a babysitter for overnight jobs, so either we decline, one of us goes while the other declines, or if the couple particularly want us there, we take the kids to the service itself, then leg it.

i generally don't enjoy weddings, and i certainly agree that tired, bored kids with drunken/feckless parents are a disaster for everyone else they are inflicted upon - however, there are two problems that aggravate this that fall outside the particular parents control.

(i) in the society that we live, the geographicly close family is much less prevailant - quite simply, they may not be anyone within 200 miles that will have your kids overnight.

(ii) close friends and family generally aren't just 'invited' to a wedding, they are expected to attend - by the couple themselves, and by the rest of the family. if you send a 'sorry, can't come' RSVP you may well get a snotty comment or phone call that damages relationships you don't want damaged.

the OP aludes to the thread in PI about this issue - in that thread the couple are, to some degree, offended that another couple they invited to their child free wedding have declined because they can't get childcare. that couple, entirely reasonably, decided that they didn't want kids at the wedding - thats fine, but they can't then bitch when the hurdle that they placed in the way of people attending their wedding stopped people attending their wedding.

the couple have the absolute right to have the wedding they want, but if they choose to get married in the top turret of a fairytale castle they can't pretent to be surprised when 89 yo wheelchair-bound Aunty Edna doesn't come, and its exactly the same with inviting parents of kids to adults only weddings - if you place barriers to people attending, some of those barriers will, astonishingly, stop people attending.

The Big Red Button

tfitzgerald wrote: »

I think that children have as much right to go to a wedding as much as anyone else

Ummm ... nobody has a "right" to go to any wedding! No matter who you are, or what relation you are to the bride or groom.

Every couple has a "right" to invite the guests that they want to be there to their wedding. If the couple don't want to invite children - completely understandable for many reasons - then that's entirely their prerogative.

moco

stinkle wrote: »

Thats genius, I'm writing that down!

Me too lol

Heineken Helen

As long as you know your guests... there shouldn't be much of a problem. We had a small wedding and there were only two people who might bring their kids (6 kids in total). We wanted kids (as they're great craic at a wedding anyway). They told me they weren't bringing them... I presumed this was cos they thought I wouldn't want them and they were being polite so I talked them into bringing them. Yep, the kids were wonderful at the wedding but both sets of parents were the only ones who really didn't seem to be enjoying themselves at all and couldn't let their hair down

. On the one hand I kinda wish I'd just left them alone when they said they weren't bringing the kids as they're both very important to me

but hey ho... you're never gonna keep everyone happy!

Daisy M

I have never came across anyone who would presume their kids were invited if their name wasnt on the invitation. We invited all my husbands neice and nephews to our wedding and also my young cousins as their parents were travelling from england especially to be at our wedding. It didnt impact on our day at all they didnt cost me a thought it wasnt my job to be looking after them! My children have been invited to all my siblings weddings and have gone, and yes it is a completly different day for people who have children with them but that is their problem. My kids have been invited to the wedding of a couple of our close friends, this wasnt expected and we didnt bring them, I didnt see the point as they would have known none of the other children and been bored.
Glitter I am going to be honest here and say I am suprised that you are seeing your fiances sisters child as been a problem. Its one small child and they are travelling across the world to come to your wedding, surely that must mean something if not to you but to your fiance and his family. I definetly think you should issue an invite for them all and mention none of the concerns you have, you may end up tarnishing what should be a very special visit.

lace

The last wedding I was at was a family friend with a LOT of nieces and nephews ranging from babies to preteens. They attended the church and there was quite a lot of crying and tantrums and children having to be brought outside to calm down. For the dinner, the family had organized a kids' table far away from everyone else with two childminders to help with all the food-chopping and keeping the kids seated and quiet. As the speeches were going on the childminders took the children for some colouring and activities and they stayed until the first dance. As it was a large, close family they had organized a suite in the hotel and two (different) childminders to keep an eye on them until three at which point an aunt who's a non-drinker took over.

Here's a question though....

Kids.... Teens.... Young adults....
Where do you draw the line?

For example, one household in my family has five boys ranging from 18 down to 5.

What would be the best way to work that out if I didn't want kids at the event?

Maybe individual invites for the parents and then for the 18 & 16 year old?

Bride2012

aw wrote: »

Here's a question though....

Kids.... Teens.... Young adults....
Where do you draw the line?

For example, one household in my family has five boys ranging from 18 down to 5.

What would be the best way to work that out if I didn't want kids at the event?

Maybe individual invites for the parents and then for the 18 & 16 year old?

Good point, inviting some siblings and others could get very messy. If you were doing that I'd go the separate invitations route.

iguana

aw wrote: »

Maybe individual invites for the parents and then for the 18 & 16 year old?

I'm the oldest of 23 grandchildren on one side of my family and whenever there was a wedding that the nieces and nephews weren't invited to I didn't get an invite, even in my 20s. I was fine with it as I knew that if you invite one and not the others it can make people feel left out and that inviting us all could cost 4 figures. The only time I was ever at a family wedding without my brothers or cousins was if I was in the wedding party.

Kinetic^

ElleEm wrote: »

What about saying something like, "this hotel/ venue caters for adults only" or something like that.

You will be guaranteed that people will call the hotel to find out why and when they get a different response you'll be called every name under the sun.

Toots* wrote: »

My brother in law had an adults only wedding and the way they did their invitation was they had all the normal bits and pieces on it and the names were say 'Mr & Mrs Toots' and then at the RSVP details it said 'We have reserved 2 places in your honour, please let us know if you will be able to attend by X date.'

I like it, will be similar to what we're sending out.

aw wrote: »

Here's a question though....

Kids.... Teens.... Young adults....
Where do you draw the line?

For example, one household in my family has five boys ranging from 18 down to 5.

What would be the best way to work that out if I didn't want kids at the event?

Maybe individual invites for the parents and then for the 18 & 16 year old?

The invites we're sending out are going to have names on them, if the names aren't on the invite, they're not invited. We're not inviting children and the youngest person in attendance will be 19, next up from that is 21.

watna

I think if you want an adults only wedding, that's what you should have. I've heard so many stories about people refusing to go because their children couldn't go. Fair enough if you just can't get a babysitter but there's something petty about just point out refusing to go. Everyone's wedding is different and the bride and groom want different things from it. It's their day really.

I'm having an adults only wedding but by some miracle none of my guests have children so I don't really have to distinguish. One of my bridesmaids is my 11 year old cousin and she'll be the only child there. I'm pleased, that's on hassle I don't have to worry about.

HairMonster

is mise astra wrote: »

Glitter I am going to be honest here and say I am suprised that you are seeing your fiances sisters child as been a problem. Its one small child and they are travelling across the world to come to your wedding

I can't speak for Glitter, but if it was me my main concern would be that the other guests who's kids weren't invited would be offended. I know it makes sense that they came from Oz with their child so the other guests shouldn't be put out, but since when did weddings and sense go together?

To the OP: I agree with everyone else - if you want an adult-free wedding then go for it. Explain that its down to numbers and not that you don't want the kids there and hope they understand. But it really doesn't matter what you do, you'll never please everyone... so you may as well please yourself!

stinkle

HairMonster wrote: »

I can't speak for Glitter, but if it was me my main concern would be that the other guests who's kids weren't invited would be offended. I know it makes sense that they came from Oz with their child so the other guests shouldn't be put out, but since when did weddings and sense go together?

To the OP: I agree with everyone else - if you want an adult-free wedding then go for it. Explain that its down to numbers and not that you don't want the kids there and hope they understand. But it really doesn't matter what you do, you'll never please everyone... so you may as well please yourself!

That's what I took from it too - and as I said above we are in the same position - OH's Cousin X from the States has 2 kids, one of which is exactly the same age as OH's Cousin Y's child (live in Ireland) who we don't plan on inviting. On my side, Cousin Z from the states just had a baby, and this cousin's sister has 2 slightly older kids, again who live in Ireland and aren't invited. The only good thing about my US cousin is that her husband's family are also in Dublin, so maybe there's a chance they'll babysit, or else her and her sister might share childminding. I won't be suggesting that or anything - it might seem unfair to bring a kid across the ocean and dump it on strangers. I actually don't care if the yanks bring their kids, it's the backlash of the others I'd be dreading...

As for the older kids (in fairness if there's toddlers allowed can you imagine how put out the parents of the "big kids" will be?! agh!) - am thinking of planning the wedding for a school day! :pac:

Gatica

watna wrote: »

I think if you want an adults only wedding, that's what you should have. I've heard so many stories about people refusing to go because their children couldn't go. Fair enough if you just can't get a babysitter but there's something petty about just point out refusing to go. Everyone's wedding is different and the bride and groom want different things from it. It's their day really.

agree 100%. It's your wedding, your day and your budget/money. If people throw a fuss over their kids not being invited and don't come, then isn't it just as well? why would you want those whiney people attending your wedding anyway... if they're being so selfish concerning YOUR wedding day, then I don't think there's any reason to be worrying about their feelings or attendance on that account.

Glitter

HairMonster wrote: »

I can't speak for Glitter, but if it was me my main concern would be that the other guests who's kids weren't invited would be offended. I know it makes sense that they came from Oz with their child so the other guests shouldn't be put out, but since when did weddings and sense go together?

Yes exactly, it opens up a door we really don't want to go through!
Another sibling of my fiance's has a 10 year old we weren't planning to invite either. Now if Baby Oz is coming it makes it that bit harder to say no to her.

@ is mise astra
See above as the main reason, but also, "one small child" = "one small screeching, crying, snotty, ambience-ruining distraction" in my book.
I am not a child-person.

(And nor is my fiance btw, hence the original decision to have an adult only day.)

OS119

Glitter wrote: »

...Another sibling of my fiance's has a 10 year old we weren't planning to invite either. Now if Baby Oz is coming it makes it that bit harder to say no to her....

not withstanding the reality that sense and weddings (or people) don't go together, you could pitch it this way. a baby is relatively easy to contain - its portable, easily amused, cute - so there is rarely a probly getting someone to take the baby and entertain it - and it doesn't care if its in a hotel room 200m from the action. a baby at an all-adult wedding is managable, it can be handled without impacting the wedding.

10 year olds however are a different story. they are self-propelled, they are wilfull, they want to be where the action is - even if that action bores them to tears so they start to play up.

quite how you might put that to the family involved without saying that their child is a little horror is a little beyond me, but i hope you can use it somehow...

Glitter, i'm not having a pop, but when you decided that you didn't want to invite the 10yo, did you know for certain that your fiances (sp?) sibling and their partner would be able to get childcare for the whole period of the wedding and therefore both be able to attend?

stinkle

OS119 wrote: »

10 year olds however are a different story. they are self-propelled, they are wilfull, they want to be where the action is - even if that action bores them to tears so they start to play up.

can you go with the cost issue? i.e. a small child (bigger than baby, perhaps under four?) is unlikely to actually be old enough eat any of the delicious dinner provided. Excuse my ignorance, I don't have kids, I could be madly overestimating the age that they happily eat "normal" food, I'm talking the age when parents bring formula, or jars of mushed up stuff for them. whereas for say a 10 year old you'd probably need to provide a suitable menu for them, possibly separate from the grown-up menu, at a cost to you

OS119

stinkle wrote: »

can you go with the cost issue?...

i wouldn't - its too easy for the parents to say 'oh don't worry, here's €20.

what do you say then?

in terms of the actual cost, it would depend on the 10yo - some might be still at fishfingers, chips and beans, some might happily tuck into a four course, €100 meal and eat more of that most of the adults.

stinkle

OS119 wrote: »

i wouldn't - its too easy for the parents to say 'oh don't worry, here's €20.

what do you say then?

in terms of the actual cost, it would depend on the 10yo - some might be still at fishfingers, chips and beans, some might happily tuck into a four course, €100 meal and eat more of that most of the adults.

that's such a good point, and in fairness chucking a few quid at you might be cheaper to them than sorting a babysitter for the night, bah! answers for everything!

Gatica

If they've just had a baby then it will only be small at your wedding, right? (assuming it's not over a year into the future) What you've explained here makes perfect sense, so you should be able to explain the same thing: they're coming from abroad with no one being able to look after the baby locally or back at the family home.
The baby also won't be taking up a seating place and will either be sitting on the mum's lap or on a high baby chair beside her. Its presence won't be felt for long as it'll be laid to sleep early on. That's far less hassle for your table plans than a ten year old kid who'll be bored stiff himself at a formal function with no one else to hang out with.