Best jokes from Primary school.

Coeurdepirate · 18-08-2011 11:40pm

Fremen wrote: »

It had changed to "tiger" by the time I was growing up.

I think I was in primary school right in the middle of the change to tiger because we used to say 'catch a tigger by the toe'.

dan185 · 19-08-2011 12:14am

Boy: can you touch your elbows together behind your back?
Girl tries. Laughter ensues.

I did it to my girlfriend a while back, me in tears laughing as she tried for a few minutes. She still trys the odd time:D

RhubarbCrumble · 19-08-2011 12:23am

AnamGlas wrote: »

You couldn't beat a round of "I wish all the ladies..." on any school tour

Not to mention "Oh roe the rattling bog". Remember one of the teachers losing her temper after about half an hour of it on the 4th class school tour. Kids eh

soyawhatsup · 19-08-2011 1:16am

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? TEQUILA!!

GY A1 · 19-08-2011 1:19am

ya stupid fool, i'll break this bottle (plastic coke bottle)
over your head

robman60 · 19-08-2011 1:22am

Would you ride a man for silver? No

Would you ride a man for gold? No

What would you ride a man for? Nothing

Haha you'd ride a man for nothing. That means you're GAY

drumlover22 · 19-08-2011 1:30am

pdbhp wrote: »

Were you ever caught eating shít?

No!

You must be good at it then!!

Had one like that in my school, but it was were you ever caught shagging a sheep? :pac:

Flincher · 19-08-2011 1:34am

In about 4th or 5th class, at the school masses, we used to have a "last man standing competition". So after a standing up part, when everyone would go to sit down, half the lads in our class would stay standing. Cue half the teachers and the nerdy kids telling us to sit down. 2 of the lads made it most of the way through the sermon at one mass. Epic stuff, the tension would be unbearable.

Another favourite was:
Do you have updoc?
- What's updoc?

Goldenegg · 19-08-2011 1:34am

Fat and skinny went to bed,
Fat rolled over and skinny is dead

(our 6th class teacher was a fat weapon and her husband was really skinny!)

rainbowdrop · 19-08-2011 1:38am

I grew up in Yorkshire, UK and this has to be said in a Yorkshire accent:

Eeee by gum
Does your belly touch your bum?
Do your tits hang low?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Do your balls hang flat?
Can you tie 'em in a plait?
Eeee by gum
Can you say that?

When we were playing a game and trying to decide who was 'out' we used to say:

Ip dip dog shit
Fuckin bastard
Dirty git
You are not IT

We were always careful not to use that kind of language in front of our Mum's though, we would have been battered for swearing like that:cool:

MungBean · 19-08-2011 1:39am

How many animals can ya fit in a condom?

A cock and a few hares.

Had no idea what a condom was at the time or why anyone would be putting chickens and rabbits in it.

Aglomerado · 19-08-2011 9:00am

Great thread.

I was only talking about these jokes/ rhymes with an old school friend a couple of weeks ago. These were the ones we remembered:

Diarrhoea Custard, Diarrhoea pie,
All mixed together with a dead dog's eye
Snots on toast
Three feet thick
All mixed together with a cup of cold sick.

I was walking down the lane and I got a sudden pain,
Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!
It may sound funny but it's really hot and runny
Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!
It runs down your leg like a soft boiled egg,
Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!
My mother wasn't in so I did it in the bin
Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!

There was a young man from Cape Horn
Who wished he'd never been born
And he wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the tip of the rubber was torn

Good times!

foxyboxer · 19-08-2011 9:08am

It came from me hole like Maradona scorin' a goal
Diarrhea Paw Paw

tightropetom · 19-08-2011 9:20am

It shoots from your bum like a bullet from a gun
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
Me father wasn't in so I did it in the bin
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
Me mother wasn't there so I dumped it in the chair
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
When you think your friends are joking but your pants are brown and soaking:
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea

zyxwvu · 19-08-2011 9:54am

[said quietly] "only queers say what!" [/said quietly]

what?

ahhh!!!!!

massdebater · 19-08-2011 10:07am

Used to sing to the younger kids who liked Barney:

I hate you
You hate me
Lets get a gun and shoot Barney
With a great big bang
And a bullet through the head
Sorry kids but Barney's dead!

When we got older it became:

I hate you
You hate me
Barney took an ectasy
Now he's lying dead on the floor
No more purple dinosaur

Even though we hadn't a clue what ectasy was! we still don't...

Run_to_da_hills · 19-08-2011 10:21am

Why dose Helen Keller play the piano with one hand?

Because she sings with the other one.

fryup · 19-08-2011 10:33am

what? no paddy irishman jokes?

Paddy Englishman Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman were in a desert and their car broke down. They decided to walk to the nearest town. It was really hot so Paddy Englishman said he would take the radiator water, Paddy Scotsman said that he would have the windscreen washer water and Paddy Irishman said he that he would take the door because if it got too hot he could roll down the window.

Sergeant · 19-08-2011 10:33am

What do you call a bra stretched across a road?

A boobie trap.

Borat_Sagdiyev · 19-08-2011 12:24pm

Aglomerado wrote: »

Great thread. I was only talking about these jokes/ rhymes with an old school friend a couple of weeks ago. These were the ones we remembered:

Diarrhoea Custard, Diarrhoea pie,
All mixed together with a dead dog's eye
Snots on toast
Three feet thick
All mixed together with a cup of cold sick.

I was walking down the lane and I got a sudden pain,
Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!
It may sound funny but it's really hot and runny
Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!
It runs down your leg like a soft boiled egg,
Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!
My mother wasn't in so I did it in the bin
Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!

There was a young man from Cape Horn
Who wished he'd never been born
And he wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the tip of the rubber was torn

Good times!

tightropetom wrote: »

It shoots from your bum like a bullet from a gun
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
Me father wasn't in so I did it in the bin
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
Me mother wasn't there so I dumped it in the chair
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
When you think your friends are joking but your pants are brown and soaking:
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea

Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea,
You do a little dance and you find it in your pants

c_man · 19-08-2011 12:33pm

I was climbing up a tree,
something brown fell on my knee
Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!

(not sure of the physics of that one)

Jimmy Two Times · 19-08-2011 12:33pm

D'ya wipe your arse with your left hand or your right hand ?

My right hand, why ?

D'ya not use Jacks Paper like everyone else ?

MungBean · 19-08-2011 12:38pm

Jonesey fancies Fr Murphy TID, TIND (true if destroyed, true if not destroyed)

Poor little Jonsey left in a horrified confused and angry state trying to figure a way of getting this off his pencil case before his ma sees it.

pdbhp · 19-08-2011 1:25pm

From Barney!

I love you, you love me
Barney gave me HIV
now I'm very very sick
all because of Barneys dick.

chopperbyrne · 19-08-2011 1:30pm

There was a song we used to all sing on any school trip in primary school (St Kevins Boys National School, Kilnamanagh) that I can never remember the first verse to, but the rest of it went like this:

The fart went rolling down the street, barnabu
The fart went rolling down the street, barnabu
The fart went rolling down the street
Knocked the copper off his feet
Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u

The copper took out his trusty pistol, barnabu
The copper took out his trusty pistol, barnabu
The copper took out his trusty pistol
Shot the fart from there to Bristol
Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u

Bristol City were playing at home, barnabu
Bristol City were playing at home, barnabu
Bristol City were playing at home
Kicked the fart from there to Rome
Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u

Julius Caesar was drinking gin, barnabu
Julius Caesar was drinking gin, barnabu
Julius Caesar was drinking gin
Opened his mouth and the fart went in
Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u

The fart went rolling down his spine, barnabu
The fart went rolling down his spine, barnabu
The fart went rolling down his spine
Knocked his MICKEY out of line
Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u

Retrovertigo · 19-08-2011 1:31pm

I still have this one ingrained in my brain since Primary.

In the German nick, where they hang you by the prick
And the rats play snooker with your balls
And youur mind goes blank, when your dying for a ****
And you're hanging dirty pictures on the walls.

Rubberlegs · 19-08-2011 1:32pm

El Siglo wrote: »

What do you call a man with no left testicle?

A right bollocks!

What do you call a man with 3 testicles??
Hudyanika Bolokov

What do you say to a constipated cat?
Have a break, have a s**t, cat...

goose2005 · 19-08-2011 1:58pm

hatrickpatrick wrote: »

Hey, would you like to join the Pen Fifteen club?
It's the coolest club EVER, and all you have to do to become a member is let me write our logo, Pen Fifteen, on your hand in permanent marker.
Sure!

PEN15

Ah. Bollocks.

Also you can join the Clint Eastwood fan club by wearing a hat with "CLINT" on it - the L and the I are written very close together...

foxyboxer · 19-08-2011 2:04pm

How do monkeys make toast?
They put it under the gorilla.

The Mulk · 19-08-2011 2:09pm

chopperbyrne wrote: »

There was a song we used to all sing on any school trip in primary school (St Kevins Boys National School, Kilnamanagh) that I can never remember the first verse to, but the rest of it went like this:

The fart went rolling down the street, barnabu
The fart went rolling down the street, barnabu
The fart went rolling down the street
Knocked the copper off his feet
Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u

The copper took out his trusty pistol, barnabu
The copper took out his trusty pistol, barnabu
The copper took out his trusty pistol
Shot the fart from there to Bristol
Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u

Bristol City were playing at home, barnabu
Bristol City were playing at home, barnabu
Bristol City were playing at home
Kicked the fart from there to Rome
Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u

Julius Caesar was drinking gin, barnabu
Julius Caesar was drinking gin, barnabu
Julius Caesar was drinking gin
Opened his mouth and the fart went in
Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u

The fart went rolling down his spine, barnabu
The fart went rolling down his spine, barnabu
The fart went rolling down his spine
Knocked his MICKEY out of line
Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u

Another one from the same school

Johnny robbed a bank, robbed a bank,
Johnny robbed a bank, robbed a bank,
Johnny robbed a bank in the middle of a.....tea break,
Johnny robbed a bank, robbed a bank,

a few versus followed.

The Mulk · 19-08-2011 2:16pm

73Cat wrote: »

What do you call a man with 3 testicles??
Hudyanika Bolokov
..

What do you call a man with 5 testicles

Ivan Nakovnikindem (I've a knack of knicking them)- In case the spelling is wrong!

pappyodaniel · 19-08-2011 2:20pm

Fremen wrote: »

Jesus Christ, superstar,
Flying down the road in his motor car.
Pulls a skid,
Kills a kid,
Recks his head on a dustbin lid.

When I die
Bury me
& hang my balls from a cherry tree
When they're ripe
Take a bite
Don't blame me if you piss all night.

pappyodaniel · 19-08-2011 2:26pm

Kid A: I bet you can't bop your head forwards and backwards with your mouth open.
Kid B: Yes I can.
Kid A: go on then.
*Kid B looks like he's giving a blowjob
Kid A: Ahahahahahaaa

Kid A: What way do you brush your teeth.
Kid B: Like this.
*Kid B looks like he's giving a blowjob a pornstar would be proud of
Kid A: Ahahahahahaaa

SEPT 23 1989 · 19-08-2011 2:28pm

Q:How do you make a hormone?

A:Kick her in the fanny

--Kaiser-- · 19-08-2011 3:17pm

In Templemore there is a hall
And a church without a steeple
And in every door there stands a whore
Looking out a decent people

Aglomerado · 19-08-2011 3:24pm

I'm not sure if I remember the correct wording, but here goes...

My old man's a dustman,
He wears a dustman's hat
He farted through the keyhole
And paralysed the cat

The dog ran up the chimney
He couldn't stand the smell
He caught his balls upon a door
And shouted "Fúcking Hell"

The table fell to pieces,
The city fell apart
And that's the story of
The supersonic Fart.

Colmo52 · 19-08-2011 3:34pm

I recognise nearly everything in this thread. We were easily amused.

Johnny went out to milk the cows ta-ra ta-ra
Johnny went out to milk the cows ta-ra ta-ra
He pulled the tail instead of the tit
And all that came out was a bucket of shît

Old MacDonald sitting on a bench
Picking his balls with a monkey wrench
The wrench got hot and burnt his balls
He pissed all over his overalls
He went to the doctor and the doctor said
Sorry sir your balls are dead
When i die, bury me,
Tie my balls to a cherry tree.

ringadingding · 19-08-2011 3:37pm

c_man wrote: »

I was climbing up a tree,
something brown fell on my knee
Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!

(not sure of the physics of that one)

we used
When your climbing up a tree,
and it dribbles down your knee
Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!

When it comes out your bum,
It looks like pedigree chum
Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!

--Kaiser-- · 19-08-2011 3:44pm

[To the tune of the Colonol Bogey march]

Hitler has only got one ball,
Göring has two but very small,
Himmler is somewhat sim'lar,
But poor Goebbels has no balls at all.

irelandspurs · 19-08-2011 3:46pm

Did you ever get caught sniffing up moms knickers
No
you must be good at it then

Aglomerado · 19-08-2011 3:48pm

What's brown and goes to college?
A clever Shít!

What's brown and taps at your window?
A Poo on Stilts!

Ghandee · 19-08-2011 3:56pm

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
She couldn't control her pupils!

sunflower27 · 19-08-2011 4:00pm

Call a random phone number and ask:

Is Mr Wall there?
Reply: No.
Is Mrs Wall there?
No.
Are there any Walls there?
No.
Then what's holding up your house?

Obviously this was before the day when you could find out who the last caller was

longshanks · 19-08-2011 4:12pm

Me: You know the way cum floats on water?

Him: (tentatively) eh..... yes?

Me: (pointing, loudly) Ha ha ha, he **** in the bath. Bath wanker!!

Then the whole class would join in, often to the tune of 'sing when you're winning'

**** in the bathroom
He only **** in the bathroom
**** in the baaaathroooooom....

Good times

VenomousFish · 19-08-2011 11:56pm

I'm surprised nobody's posted this gem:

Boys go to Mars, to get more bars,
Girls go to Jupiter, to get more stupider.

It's a good thing we didn't know what 'irony' was in 2nd class...

Rockery Woman · 20-08-2011 12:36am

There was a young girl from Madrid
who thought she would never be rid
up came an Italian
with balls like a stallion
and rode her like Billy The Kid

Why did the condom fly across the room? It got pissed off

It comes from your bum
like a bullet from a gun
diahorrea
diahorrea
It isnt very funny
cos its red hot and runny
diahorrea
diahorrea
my mammy wasnt in
so I did it in the bin..... (you know the rest)

If I was a bird high in the sky
Id stop over you
and **** in your eye

If I was a dog
and you were a flower
I'd lift up my leg
and give you a shower

:pac: the 80's!

Rockery Woman · 20-08-2011 12:39am

I was walking through the jungle
with my d**k in my hand
I said "hey mother F***er Im a condom man"
I looked up a tree
and what did I see
but a big fat f***er trying to piss on me
I said "hey mother f***er dont piss on me"
so I picked up a rock
and I aimed for his c**k
and the big fat f**ker
got a hell of a shock!:pac:

Miss Brightside · 20-08-2011 12:50am

I remember this lovely rhyme from my innocent little schoolgirl days

:

I am a little girl
I wear my hair in curls
I wear short dungarees
to show my sexy knees

A boy came up to me
He paid me 50p
To go behind a tree
and get it on with me

I pulled my knickers down
he pulled his willy out
and on the count of three
he stuck it in to me.

There was more then about being pregnant or something but can't remember the rest :pac:

20-08-2011 12:51am

How was the Red Sea formed?

Over a long period.

THall04 · 20-08-2011 1:11am

The Mulk wrote: »

What do you call a man with 5 testicles

Ivan Nakovnikindem (I've a knack of knicking them)- In case the spelling is wrong!

A Russian Castrate-tor..................Ivan Knackovnickemdemoff.

What do ye call..................
A woman leaning against a wall....................Eileen
A woman not leaning against a wall...............Noleen
A woman hanging between goalposts..............Annette
A very lazy goat........................Billy Idol
A goat in the sea.......................Billy Ocean
..........................................................:(

Best jokes from Primary school.

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