has anyone here ever seen a funeral of a suicide casualty?

Printemps93 · 06-08-2011 12:27AM

I would Imagine a funeral of a suicide would be worse as the person themselves chose to be taken from this world , they weren't taken by their fate .
I don't believe it is a selfish act because for the people that do it , the vast majority of cases think that they are all alone and no one gives a crap about them and nothing would be different if they were dead .

norris_minor · 06-08-2011 12:28AM

Only recently. 27; friend of brother. Doctor just recommended "keep taking the tablets" .. literally. he never asked to go on em. he wanted off em; said they were muddling his mind.. stormed out of the doctors office n did the unthinkable in a fit of frustration.. Good luck to him. Was only asking my bro where/how he was these days prior to it; hadn't seen him in years.

housetypeb · 06-08-2011 12:55AM

I lost my wife two years ago through suicide, it was her 11th attempt.She described depression as like being in a black box with no light and no hope and no way out,when you are in that frame of mind you think that you are a burden on your loved ones and that they would be better off without you, if anything it's an misguided act of selflessness rather than selfishness.

Mountainsandh · 06-08-2011 01:03AM

Yes, my Dad's funeral, he was 47.
Our feelings on the day were all over the place : numb, but not really. Anger, sadness, love, relief, confusion. Not shock, in his case.
He had been deep in depression for a long time.
He should have been 61 today

.

Mountainsandh · 06-08-2011 01:09AM

housetypeb wrote: »

I lost my wife two years ago through suicide, it was her 11th attempt.She described depression as like being in a black box with no light and no hope and no way out,when you are in that frame of mind you think that you are a burden on your loved ones and that they would be better off without you, if anything it's an misguided act of selflessness rather than selfishness.

Exactly. Strangely I was trying to word the selfishness selflessness dilemna in my post above and deleted many things, but what came in my head was the idea of the black box too, from which you can see the world from a distorted perspective too.

My father talked a lot about ending it for a long time too, before he did it. And I experienced depression myself at a stage in my life, so it's easier to understand, of course.

Sorry for your loss, housetypeb.

mw9121970 · 06-08-2011 01:09AM

housetypeb wrote: »

I lost my wife two years ago through suicide, it was her 11th attempt.She described depression as like being in a black box with no light and no hope and no way out,when you are in that frame of mind you think that you are a burden on your loved ones and that they would be better off without you, if anything it's an misguided act of selflessness rather than selfishness.

You went through her hard times with her. She was lucky to have you. When you say"a misguided act of selflessness rather than selfishness", I feel like you undersand thank you.

Novella · 06-08-2011 01:59AM

stupidusername wrote: »

ok, well it's not a matter of opinion for me, it's a matter of experience. May of 2009 is when i was first diagnosed, and I still have not received counselling.

If you're in Dublin (or Limerick afaik), try Pieta House. I cannot say enough great things about that place. It's free too.

http://www.pieta.ie/

IQDENIED · 06-08-2011 02:47AM

yea one dude killed person then himself clsoe to home paid respects ofc, sad sad stuff

recylingbin · 06-08-2011 02:50AM

no.

Kimia · 06-08-2011 03:31AM

It's so difficult to express an opinion on this subject because it's such a sensitive topic, and for good reason obviously. It's just so very sad when you see/hear that a person has ended their life. There's such a sense of finality about it - you wonder - did they know or even understand that there's no coming back, that that's it?

I do see where some people are coming from - I don't know if ye remember there a few years back when several young english kids killed themselves and it appeared that there became this new fashion to create memorial pages for them on Bebo (that's what it was at the time). Of course we never know what's going on in other's heads but it scares me to think that a contributing factor in their choice to die was the fact that they would be almost worshipped for a while after their death online..

I also think that a large part of the reason mental illness is treated with less than the gravity it deserves is because everyone and their mammy says at one time 'I suffered from depression'. It's used to describe everything from being in a bad mood to the serious mental illness that it is and it takes so much away from it. It almost needs a new word at this stage.

Personally I believe that rather talk about selfishness or whatever, I just feel so sad that a person genuinely feels so terrible and worthless and beyond all hope that they attempt and succeed in literally murdering themselves. It's so awful and I completely disagree with a few heads on this thread saying we shouldn't be talking about it. YES we absolutely should be talking about it because if even one person feels less alone, well then it's worth it.

later12 · 06-08-2011 04:00AM

stupidusername wrote: »

ok, well it's not a matter of opinion for me, it's a matter of experience. May of 2009 is when i was first diagnosed, and I still have not received counselling.

I know someone in almost that exact position. He took it upon himself to telephone the HSE clinic to which he was referred a few times, on the last try the counsellor asked him if he was on the verge of suicide (or words to that effect) and this guy answered 'um, no', to which the counsellor said 'sorry, we're only able to take on the most serious cases, you'll hear from us soon'. Over 2 years ago, and that was the last contact that was made with or from the clinic.

This sort of thing is so infuriating when you know someone with mental health difficulties, particularly in rural areas, because you know they need help, they know they need help, but you know they're only going to get it if they go privately or are at death's door. What a way to treat people who are seriously ill... thank goodness we don't treat cancer patients like that, but if we did there would be a real public outcry.

Unfortunately it is also their own inward shame that muffles debate on this issue, and deprives sufferers of poor mental health of crucial services.

Jesus Wept · 06-08-2011 04:34AM

Orando Broom wrote: »

A lot of young people, unfortunately. Only one suicide. Tragic stuff and it is NEVER the answer. no matter how bad a person thinks their situation is, they are wrong. It's not that bad. All these situations are retrievable. Unfortunately only the true extent of how loved these people really are becomes apparent at a funeral.

I am the son of an Undertaker and I can tell each and everyone of you that Suicide solves absolutely nothing and only demolishes and destroys dozens of lives, needlessly. If any of you guys even remotely feel like suicide is an answer I can tell you categorically it is not. It is a selfish mean act that destroys more than just one life. ALWAYS talk to someone about what bothers you. I'm telling you it's NEVER that bad. EVER. I can only beg that people do that.

I find this massively condescending and belittling.

meoklmrk91 · 06-08-2011 04:56AM

I have been to one of those funerals, my uncle, a man who unbeknownst to anyone but his very immediate family had been suffering with depression for years. It was heartbreaking and it was the only time I've ever seen my Dad cry, one of those times in life where it feels like the whole world is falling apart.

To those who think that suicide is selfish, is it not equally as selfish to expect someone to live in complete and utter misery so others won't have to suffer, such as their family and friends and do you not think that they have considered all this before they commit the act and made themselves feel even more guilty. I am not in anyway condoning suicide, but we have an epidemic of young people killing themselves, particularly young males, there is something wrong somewhere, people are killing themselves and there don't seem to be services in place to help them, and also I would also say that suicide is rarely a snap decision, in most cases where I have known someone who is suicidal, it is a though that builds in their mind until it consumes them. It is the final cry for someone who has lost all hope and feels there is no way out, that everything they do is wrong and that they themselves have something wrong with them, they have no where to go and no where to turn. If you think it's selfish try walking in those shoes for a day.

Shpuds · 06-08-2011 06:03PM

markc1184 wrote: »

Every other sentence seemed to be talking about the chaps selfishness and just general derogatory slurs against the chap. No matter what the priest stance is on suicide the way he was talking about the chap is definitely not what a grieving family wants to be hearing at the funeral. The family let him know that too.

Unfortunatly, the area i live is 'known' for it's too much of a number suicide so i've been to quite a few. There is a certain priest who says much the same, which ie an utter disgrace! Makes me so angry that i had a word with him a few weeks ago but he was having none of it though.

cofy · 12-08-2011 12:56AM

Orando Broom wrote: »

A lot of young people, unfortunately. Only one suicide. Tragic stuff and it is NEVER the answer. no matter how bad a person thinks their situation is, they are wrong. It's not that bad. All these situations are retrievable. Unfortunately only the true extent of how loved these people really are becomes apparent at a funeral.

I am the son of an Undertaker and I can tell each and everyone of you that Suicide solves absolutely nothing and only demolishes and destroys dozens of lives, needlessly. If any of you guys even remotely feel like suicide is an answer I can tell you categorically it is not. It is a selfish mean act that destroys more than just one life. ALWAYS talk to someone about what bothers you. I'm telling you it's NEVER that bad. EVER. I can only beg that people do that.

Its taken me a while to get into the right frame of mind to answer this one. Firstly, you have the most horrific job when it comes to suicide I appreciate that.

Secondly, for some people who commit suicide its not an answer they are looking for its an end to suffering. When my brother took his own life some months ago it was so tragic for all of us, but (selfishly) speaking for myself, I started to sink. I could see life happening all around me but could feel nothing. It was like I was in a bubble and somehow separated from reality. It came to a head 4 weeks to the day after he died when my aunt (a catholic nun) phoned me to tell me how depressed she was about his death, and how she felt that I was a very poor sister for not knowing what was going on with my brother. Basically, the reason he died was because I did not deserve a brother like him and told me how I could be a better sister. The following morning I knew I was in trouble and needed to get help. I went to the doctor and got fantastic help.

Sorry for the ramble, its just that I can maybe understand how my brother must have been feeling for months and possibly years. He was trying to deal with his lovely wife's mental problems. These problems are torcherous and will be for the rest of her life. I don't know how to help her, which is what he would have wanted.

WesternNight · 12-08-2011 01:04AM

cofy wrote: »

It came to a head 4 weeks to the day after he died when my aunt (a catholic nun) phoned me to tell me how depressed she was about his death, and how she felt that I was a very poor sister for not knowing what was going on with my brother. Basically, the reason he died was because I did not deserve a brother like him and told me how I could be a better sister. The following morning I knew I was in trouble and needed to get help. I went to the doctor and got fantastic help.

:eek::eek:

That woman should be ashamed of herself for saying that.

I'm glad you got the help you needed...and I hope you realise that what your aunt said has no basis in reality whatsoever.

cofy · 12-08-2011 01:48AM

WesternNight wrote: »

:eek::eek:

That woman should be ashamed of herself for saying that.

I'm glad you got the help you needed...and I hope you realise that what your aunt said has no basis in reality whatsoever.

Thanks for your support - my reason for posting is that it's just not as cut and dried as people think. But everyone is entitled to their opinions. What she said to me was just voicing what I felt but at the same time wondered if everyone else thought that. What I was most stunned at was his "months mind" filled the church and in the state I was in wondered how many other people in the church felt that. Now I realise that was completely ridiculous. His "months mind" made my parents realise what a good person they raised their son to be. THEY REALLY ARE GOOD PEOPLE.

cofy · 12-08-2011 12:06PM

decembersun77 wrote: »

No, I have never been to a funeral like that. It would be very sad there would be nothing left to say. Saying 'sorry' wouldn't be enough it's very painful

I remember a lady coming up to me and just saying my name and giving me a beautiful smile. This lady herself has had a huge amount of tragedy. Her smile touched me so much and gave me strength. When you can't think of anything to say - say nothing.

saa · 12-08-2011 01:26PM

Once, the saddest thing wasn't seeing upset relatives but the mothers sitting at the front with their children some at that age where they're bored and/or playing with toys, they can't understand the situation and it breaks my heart thinking of how hard it must be to lose anyone close but especially a parent when you're still so young.

has anyone here ever seen a funeral of a suicide casualty?

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