The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Paddy & Annie, in their 70's after a lifetime of scrimping and scraping eventually bite the bullet and book a foreign holiday for their Golden Wedding celebrations. The day arrives and off they go but as luck would have it they hit awful turbulence and the plane went down killing all aboard.

Paddy & Annie, both devout, arrive at the gates of Heaven simultaneously and are greeted personally by Saint Peter who welcomes them in and immediately takes them off to see their accommodation. Very soon they were looking around the most fabulous house, furnished with all their little knick knacks and treasured possessions, the wardrobes full with their favorite clothes as well as top of the range appliances, decor and furniture. Paddy nervously clears his throat and asks, "How much would this cost??" St. Peter smiles and says "Paddy, you and Annie have paid your dues and more on Earth, No Charge" Meanwhile Annie comes tearing out of the kitchen asking where she might obtain groceries......"Merely imagine what you would like in the fridge and cupboards and it will be there, no charge!! You can of course use the facilities at the Golf Club or gym, the restaurants are open all the time and there is no limit to what you can order, free of charge!!"

"There's a Golf Club?"., "Yes, next to the gym, it is better than any course on Earth and well you can always get a bit of a game with the Dear Departed pro's", "Is it expensive?" asked Paddy, "Need you ask?" responded Peter with an even bigger smile. Paddy was by now relaxing a little and asked "Do I have to go to the gym??" Peter said,"well you can if you enjoy it but you don't have to, you will never become sick, you will never be older than you are today so it is not necessary for health reasons." "What about diet, Paddy asked, can I eat red meat, refined sugar, salt, have a few scoops without getting sick??" Peter smiled and assured him, " You can eat and drink what you like for all eternity, this is your eternal reward"


Paddy turned and looked at Annie for a long time and when he spoke it was clear as a bell........"Fock you and your fockin bran flakes, we could have been here 10 years ago!!"

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife , 43 , who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13 th then.”

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to vacuum the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse , I’ll have to let her in.

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.



:D:D:D:D Not all my jokes take forever!! ;-) No offence intended to anyone...

Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son’s body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.

dilallio wrote: »

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.

Devil: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in Hell!

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well, You're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do. Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Mt. Dew. We drink until we throw up and then drink some more.

Guy: Wow, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: Yeah , you better believe it.

Devil: All right ! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smooke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay.... you're already dead.

Guy: No Way!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yeah, I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horseraces, you name it. We even opened a Pai Gai Poker table.

Guy: I never played that before.

Devil: Well now you can.

Guy: Cool....

Devil: You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don't mean...

Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. Do all the drugs you want. If you overdose, It's Okay... you're already dead.

Guy: Alright! I never realized that Hell was such a swinging place!

Devil: So.... are you gay?

Guy: Uh, no....

Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna hate Fridays!

Sign me up!!!!

whats black and starving?

CarrickMcJoe wrote: »

An old man stopped by police at 1 in the morningand asked where he's going at that time of the night.

He says,"To a lecture about alcohol abuse and the affects on the human body".

Copper says, "Really, who's giving that lecture at this time of the night?".

Man says," The fvckin wife!".

Why do men name their penises?


Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 99% of their decisions.