Invitations and asking for cash presents

magrat · 05-07-2011 07:18PM

I have never (yet) recieved a wedding invitation with a cash qift request.

I dont do as a rule do cash gifts. The exception being to younger teenagers who may not have any earning power of their own and who enjoy shopping.

I recieved an invite to the hens of my soon to be sister in law recently with the amount on the end of the invite. In other words - please come to 'greedy gillys' hens - it will cost you 80 euro.

I very quickly replied that I was busy than night.

We are expecting the wedding invites from that same couple within a week or two - and despite it being my husband's brother - you can be sure if there is a request for a cash gift on the invite - I will be RSVPing a big fat no thanks!!

I am making their wedding cake and to be honest I consider this our gift to them.

kandr10 · 05-07-2011 09:27PM

I think contributing to a wedding by making something or doing something is a really lovely idea and the couple would be incredibly rude to expect anything else.

On the charity note, I find it equally annoying when I receive an invite or request to donate to charity instead of giving a present. This has happened a few times a Christmas and for birthdays. I feel the person requesting such a thing does not know or appreciate the amount that I already give and do for charity. I'd ignore such a request and gift cash or something for the house anyway!

iguana · 05-07-2011 09:46PM

kandr10 wrote: »

On the charity note, I find it equally annoying when I receive an invite or request to donate to charity instead of giving a present. This has happened a few times a Christmas and for birthdays. I feel the person requesting such a thing does not know or appreciate the amount that I already give and do for charity. I'd ignore such a request and gift cash or something for the house anyway!

But they aren't saying you don't donate to charity and need a moral prompt. They are saying that at this time which they already have everything they need, they would prefer anyone wishing to give them a gift, to instead give it to people/animals/projects who do have a need. They want to take a time when people are celebrating them and use it to help others.

We had a nominated charity for our wedding. At the time I worked for Oxfam, as did all of my colleagues, obviously. A huge amount of my other friends also work for NGOs or small scale community projects. I know full well that most people I know either work for charities or give quite a lot to charities. But I didn't want gifts, I didn't want my wedding to be be something that gained me anything but a marriage. It makes me extremely uncomfortable that people who aren't immediate family would gift me anything. But I did know that the south Asian earthquake which had devastated parts of Pakistan and left almost 100,000 dead and more than that seriously injured, was not receiving donations which were any where near enough to do what was needed which made me very sad. Asking anyone who wanted to give us a gift to help those people instead was the best gift anyone could give me. It doesn't mean that I don't respect my guests own charitable works.

Diddler1977 · 05-07-2011 09:50PM

magrat wrote: »

I am making their wedding cake and to be honest I consider this our gift to them.

What a lovely gift! I'm sure they'll love it.

amdublin · 05-07-2011 09:51PM

:rolleyes:

You know what's funny.....all these people who "have everything" tend to never have money to pay for their own wedding.

Funny that.

PrincessPixie · 06-07-2011 08:53AM

don't care how you argue it or how you put it maybe we need a prompt from some future mother in laws on manners???

Diddler1977 · 06-07-2011 09:07AM

PrincessPixie wrote: »

don't care how you argue it or how you put it maybe we need a prompt from some future mother in laws on manners???

LOL!

06-07-2011 10:34AM

"regifting" has been mentioned a number of times on this thread - seriously has the Celtic tiger turned us into such an ungrateful nation?

yes i received two toasters for my wedding - the one im using is on its way out after four years, im glad i have one to take out of the box to replace it because im broke now!

"regifting" makes me cringe. No matter what you receive whether its gifts or money just be glad of it, you never know, the day might come that you'll be grateful for it.

gimmick · 06-07-2011 11:54AM

On the topic of cash gifts - I have 3 weddings in 3 weeks at the end of August. Dose. But for each of them, my gift to them will be cash.

At least with cash you know it will not be left gathering dust in the spare room, but will be put to good use.

Friend of mine was at a wedding before where after the meal the head bridesmaid stood up and told everyone that the cost was €30 each and the other bridesmaids would be aroudn to colelct it during the speeches or some crap like that.

Victor Meldrew · 06-07-2011 01:53PM

Deleted User wrote: »

"regifting" makes me cringe. No matter what you receive whether its gifts or money just be glad of it, you never know, the day might come that you'll be grateful for it.

I deliberately re-gifted once, to someone who held a post wedding bash purely as a gift generating event.

They were going travelling so I gave them a blender.....

rainbowtrout · 06-07-2011 02:08PM

iguana wrote: »

But they aren't saying you don't donate to charity and need a moral prompt. They are saying that at this time which they already have everything they need, they would prefer anyone wishing to give them a gift, to instead give it to people/animals/projects who do have a need. They want to take a time when people are celebrating them and use it to help others.

We had a nominated charity for our wedding. At the time I worked for Oxfam, as did all of my colleagues, obviously. A huge amount of my other friends also work for NGOs or small scale community projects. I know full well that most people I know either work for charities or give quite a lot to charities. But I didn't want gifts, I didn't want my wedding to be be something that gained me anything but a marriage. It makes me extremely uncomfortable that people who aren't immediate family would gift me anything. But I did know that the south Asian earthquake which had devastated parts of Pakistan and left almost 100,000 dead and more than that seriously injured, was not receiving donations which were any where near enough to do what was needed which made me very sad. Asking anyone who wanted to give us a gift to help those people instead was the best gift anyone could give me. It doesn't mean that I don't respect my guests own charitable works.

I can see where you're coming from, but I still wouldn't be happy with this option. Even though it's well meaning, it's still dictating to people what to get as a gift. Why not just accept the gifts that people choose to give you and then donate the money/any other gift items to charity yourself?

It's like when people donate to charity instead of having wedding favours. Now I think wedding favours on tables are a waste of time and money anyway, but if a couple chooses not to have them and donates the money they would have spent on them to charity instead, why is there a need to advertise the fact?

Penny Dreadful · 06-07-2011 02:19PM

gimmick wrote: »

On the topic of cash gifts - I have 3 weddings in 3 weeks at the end of August. Dose. But for each of them, my gift to them will be cash.

At least with cash you know it will not be left gathering dust in the spare room, but will be put to good use.

Friend of mine was at a wedding before where after the meal the head bridesmaid stood up and told everyone that the cost was €30 each and the other bridesmaids would be aroudn to colelct it during the speeches or some crap like that.

What is good use of money to one person may well be a total waste of money to the next.
Personally I think it a total waste of money to spend € 20-30k on a wedding day, huge massive, enormous, total waste of money. Others don't and think it fine to give €150-200 as a gift to cover their cost (ohh breaking out in a rash at that phrase:o) at a wedding they may be attending. Others again think its fine to subsidise a honeymoon/holiday for a couple who have spent all their money on a party where as I think its a waste and if they had spent less on the party they could pay for the honeymoon/holiday themselves.

Malari · 06-07-2011 02:21PM

rainbowtrout wrote: »

I can see where you're coming from, but I still wouldn't be happy with this option. Even though it's well meaning, it's still dictating to people what to get as a gift. Why not just accept the gifts that people choose to give you and then donate the money/any other gift items to charity yourself?

It's like when people donate to charity instead of having wedding favours. Now I think wedding favours on tables are a waste of time and money anyway, but if a couple chooses not to have them and donates the money they would have spent on them to charity instead, why is there a need to advertise the fact?

Presumably to pre-empt the accusations that the couple were too tight to spend money on favours. :rolleyes:

Way too much focus on what "should" be done for weddings, I always think.

iguana · 06-07-2011 03:26PM

rainbowtrout wrote: »

I can see where you're coming from, but I still wouldn't be happy with this option. Even though it's well meaning, it's still dictating to people what to get as a gift. Why not just accept the gifts that people choose to give you and then donate the money/any other gift items to charity yourself?

I get your point, but to me I was worried that there would have been issues around what would have essentially been me making a very large donation to my employer. It could have been very messy, especially when it came to the donation of my exempted taxes. My husband was technically self-employed at the time, and him making a very large donation to his wife's employer, and wanting that portion of his taxes given to them too could have sparked an investigation from the revenue services.

In the end as some people did ask to give it to us that way, especially those who weren't coming, so we ended up having to transfer through my old Irish bank account and making it through Oxfam Ireland, instead of my employer - Oxfam GB. It was still a little awkward as Oxfam Ireland were my previous employer. People who just made it themselves made it significantly easier.

The thing was, we really, really didn't want gifts. I'm not kidding, I don't like getting gifts from people who aren't my very immediate family and even then I prefer a little token. Our wedding was low key, we were emigrants so some people had to travel to it which was expensive enough for them anyway. But people said they were going to give them anyway, even people who weren't coming, so we asked them to give to a chosen charity. I'm not sure why, but even as a small child I had a big aversion to the money spent on weddings. ( think it could have been overhearing a discussion about wedding costs at the same time as Band Aid was happening. The expense of weddings has always served to me as a stark contrast to the fact that half the world lives in gross poverty.) And we didn't have it on the invitations (mainly as we didn't have invitations). If they made a donation themselves, then we never needed to know if they realistically could do more than drop a fiver in a box. If they gave us money and we decided to donate it, we'd know, so they'd be under pressure to give more.

And lastly people (especially of a certain generation) often ask what you did with the money, ie did it go toward your honeymoon, house, baby stuff, etc. I didn't want to say, "we gave it away" in case it seemed unappreciative. Especially if they had made a big effort to put the cash together.

oal22 · 06-07-2011 03:58PM

gimmick wrote: »

On the topic of cash gifts - I have 3 weddings in 3 weeks at the end of August. Dose. But for each of them, my gift to them will be cash.

At least with cash you know it will not be left gathering dust in the spare room, but will be put to good use.

Friend of mine was at a wedding before where after the meal the head bridesmaid stood up and told everyone that the cost was €30 each and the other bridesmaids would be aroudn to colelct it during the speeches or some crap like that.

Those poor bridesmaids must have been MORTIFIED :eek:

Heineken Helen · 06-07-2011 07:33PM

iguana wrote: »

Of course there is because saying, "if people wish to give you a gift, you have everything you need" means you are saying you don't want anything at all. That's perfectly acceptable as that's the complete opposite of asking for something, it's also acceptable if people follow up that statement with a charity of choice that anyone who really wants to give a gift can donate to instead. Saying "if people wish to give you a gift, you have everything you need so you'd like money" is just rude.

And the simple fact is that it doesn't matter of you personally see nothing wrong about it. We have variations of this thread on this forum all the time and I have never seen a single thread where less than 80-90% of the posters don't state that they find it extremely rude. So while a few of your guests might find it practical and acceptable, the vast, vast majority will be insulted, will think less of you and possibly gossip about you for ages after.

That's all well and good but remember that this is what is acceptable in your opinion. I'd much rather people didn't beat around the bush and just get to the point.

Heineken Helen · 06-07-2011 07:59PM

rainbowtrout wrote: »

I can see where you're coming from, but I still wouldn't be happy with this option. Even though it's well meaning, it's still dictating to people what to get as a gift. Why not just accept the gifts that people choose to give you and then donate the money/any other gift items to charity yourself?

It's like when people donate to charity instead of having wedding favours. Now I think wedding favours on tables are a waste of time and money anyway, but if a couple chooses not to have them and donates the money they would have spent on them to charity instead, why is there a need to advertise the fact?

I wouldn't be happy with this either. If I'm going to a wedding, I want to give something to the couple to get them started, whatever it is that they need, I will ask them if not already advised and that's what they'll get. However a charity request? That's a whole other topic. I really don't get it and I would find it slightly rude... kinda like saying 'we don't want or need anything you have to give us'

but that's just my opinion. I give to charity in my own time and as a separate thing, not as a gift.

tatli_lokma · 06-07-2011 08:01PM

rainbowtrout wrote: »

It's like when people donate to charity instead of having wedding favours. Now I think wedding favours on tables are a waste of time and money anyway, but if a couple chooses not to have them and donates the money they would have spent on them to charity instead, why is there a need to advertise the fact?

while I get what you're saying, and as another poster pointed out, there could be the accusation of being stingy if there are no favours, on the other side of it, by 'advertising' their donation they are also advertising the charity, and often it puts an idea in people's heads to donate/support that charity themselves. I know at a wedding I was recently at (OH's work colleague), the couple had these cards for a charity I would previously not have given much thought to. I then heard from another guest that the brides grandad had been involved with the charity all his life and as he died that year the donation was a way to include him in the celebration.
As I said I had never really thought much about this charity, but when it was presented to me I realised that actually it is a very worthwhile cause and one I should support more. So its not all about promoting the couple's philanthropy but also about raising awareness of a charity.

Heineken Helen · 06-07-2011 08:23PM

Little Ted wrote: »

while I get what you're saying, and as another poster pointed out, there could be the accusation of being stingy if there are no favours, on the other side of it, by 'advertising' their donation they are also advertising the charity, and often it puts an idea in people's heads to donate/support that charity themselves. I know at a wedding I was recently at (OH's work colleague), the couple had these cards for a charity I would previously not have given much thought to. I then heard from another guest that the brides grandad had been involved with the charity all his life and as he died that year the donation was a way to include him in the celebration.
As I said I had never really thought much about this charity, but when it was presented to me I realised that actually it is a very worthwhile cause and one I should support more. So its not all about promoting the couple's philanthropy but also about raising awareness of a charity.

That's quite sweet. A friend of mine getting married in November,her bridesmaid is 'buying' her favours as a wedding pressie... British Heart Foundation pins... as her Dad died of heart problems so it's a nice way of doing something in his honour. I totally support the couple donating in honour of their day... just don't expect your guests to share the enthusiasm.:o

Lady Chatterton · 07-07-2011 02:50AM

About six years ago, my husband and I were invited to a wedding, (friend of my husband's). Enclosed with the invitation was a gift list for a very upmarket antique store. We went to the antique store and the cheapest item on the list was over €500 so we ended up purchasing a gift voucher for €300 instead. After the wedding my husband's "friend" said "it was most regrettable that you couldn't find sometime suitable on the list" and we never received a "thank you" card either.

Another invite we received had an instruction to say that gentleman had to wear suits and ladies should only wear ankle length attire.

07-07-2011 10:31AM

MrsD007 wrote: »

About six years ago, my husband and I were invited to a wedding, (friend of my husband's). Enclosed with the invitation was a gift list for a very upmarket antique store. We went to the antique store and the cheapest item on the list was over €500 so we ended up purchasing a gift voucher for €300 instead. After the wedding my husband's "friend" said "it was most regrettable that you couldn't find sometime suitable on the list" and we never received a "thank you" card either.

Another invite we received had an instruction to say that gentleman had to wear suits and ladies should only wear ankle length attire.

Oh my God - the things you should have done with that €300! a nice weekend away or something, instead of giving it to the most ungrateful and spoilt fecker on the face of the planet! .......ive heard it all now

Heineken Helen · 07-07-2011 07:11PM

MrsD007 wrote: »

About six years ago, my husband and I were invited to a wedding, (friend of my husband's). Enclosed with the invitation was a gift list for a very upmarket antique store. We went to the antique store and the cheapest item on the list was over €500 so we ended up purchasing a gift voucher for €300 instead. After the wedding my husband's "friend" said "it was most regrettable that you couldn't find sometime suitable on the list" and we never received a "thank you" card either.

Another invite we received had an instruction to say that gentleman had to wear suits and ladies should only wear ankle length attire.

That's unreal! And just ignorant!

For the record, I'm not saying that people should specify how much they want or should insist that people give SOMETHING. I'm just supporting people being honest about what it is they would like if people wish to give them something. We briefly considered doing a gift list (very very briefly) but prices would have ranged from the bare minimum... only we realised we would have been picking things for the sake of it that we didn't really want.

PrincessPixie · 08-07-2011 12:17AM

I don't think there is anything wrong with a gift list, but again it can't appear on the invitation, it should only be suggested when asked. Of course it should contain things that range from 5 to 500euro so that people can have a choice. In fairness I think once you're discreet and respectful your not going to offend. Remember your invititng your family and friends to your wedding, unless you've got completely disfuctional relationships with these people I sure they would be understanding. If they're going to play silly buggers and insist on teaching you a lesson, then be gracious in your response.

I was delighted with every present and card, we had a modest list in a fancy shop, didn't put it on the invites and exchanged gifts that were duplicates. Now we did get a few unusal things which I know we will appreciate at some stage when our taste change. And many are in the attic due to space issues and fear of breakage with young kids. But folks in fairness .....

Dudess · 08-07-2011 12:21AM

Bens wrote: »

I know one couple who got married and had one of those cash demanding poems on the invites.

gimmick wrote: »

I once heard of an invite stating "minimum contribution". Not popular.

Toots* wrote: »

I work in a bank and an elderly couple came in one day and asked for an international bank transfer form, when they had filled it in and asked me to look it over, they handed me a card with the bank details etc to see had they missed anything.
The card was a wedding invitation from their grandson who was getting married in Spain, and it said 'In lieu of gifts the couple would appreciate a contribution towards the cost of their reception' and they had the IBAN, SWIFT code and the name of the hotel where the wedding was being held!!!

gimmick wrote: »

Friend of mine was at a wedding before where after the meal the head bridesmaid stood up and told everyone that the cost was €30 each and the other bridesmaids would be aroudn to colelct it during the speeches or some crap like that.

Victor Meldrew wrote: »

someone who held a post wedding bash purely as a gift generating event.

MrsD007 wrote: »

About six years ago, my husband and I were invited to a wedding, (friend of my husband's). Enclosed with the invitation was a gift list for a very upmarket antique store. We went to the antique store and the cheapest item on the list was over €500 so we ended up purchasing a gift voucher for €300 instead. After the wedding my husband's "friend" said "it was most regrettable that you couldn't find sometime suitable on the list" and we never received a "thank you" card either.

Sweet jeebuss...

I hope your friend was exaggerating, gimmick, because that is just... :eek:

magrat · 10-07-2011 01:42PM

gimmick wrote: »

Friend of mine was at a wedding before where after the meal the head bridesmaid stood up and told everyone that the cost was €30 each and the other bridesmaids would be aroudn to colelct it during the speeches or some crap like that.

i would have honestly got up and left :eek: the most shocking display of rudeness I have ever read about.... ever !

Bens · 10-07-2011 02:06PM

gimmick wrote: »

Friend of mine was at a wedding before where after the meal the head bridesmaid stood up and told everyone that the cost was €30 each and the other bridesmaids would be aroudn to colelct it during the speeches or some crap like that.

Im being reminded of more weddngs I am trying to forget

I was at one where the brides sisters and mother had bags, got the bride and groom on the dance floor, got everyone to dance around them and kept sticking the bags in front of everyone asking for money to send them on their way.

My mrs threw in a tenner out of embarrassment and then the next sister comes by looking for more. People were so pissed off at that, but still put money in because they were made feel terrible with someone holding a bag in front of them until they put money into it. If someone took out coins they got the wagging finger and told to put notes in.

We had already given them €150 before the wedding and both taken two days off work and paid for a hotel room to go to the wedding.

Now that bride is known as "Money bags" or "Money grabber" when spoken about.

Invitations and asking for cash presents

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