Invitations and asking for cash presents

Diddler1977 · 21-06-2011 10:46PM

wexford12 wrote: »

Just so you all understand its got nothing to do with the guests paying for the wedding.Come the day of the wedding all hotel etc etc will have been paid for.We just didnt want to end up with boxs of glasses and vouchers that we dont want and yea a few quid would be nice for what we want to do i would prefer someone to put €50 in a card than but a set of glasses

Just ask for a donation to charity in lieu of glasses etc if you really don't want them.

Or just say "No presents, just your presence"

Asking for money on a wedding invite is the height of rudeness. I'm sure your parents would be mortified if they knew what you were thinking of doing.

LizT · 24-06-2011 05:17PM

As has been said, it is so so tacky and I would feel offended if I received an invitation asking for money. I would always give money as a present anyway but I would actually think twice about doing it if I was specifically asked to!

cheekyass · 25-06-2011 05:21PM

My mother showed me a wedding invitation she received and on it was 'no gifts which can be wrapped' or something to that effect.....essentially what was implied that toasters = no the can be wrapped, cash = yes.....people are unlikely to wrap cash!

It was kind of a round about way of asking for cash gifts only I guess, I found it incredibly rude (and odd).....

I think from friends who have gotten married recently (and who have homes together) they received cash or vouchers for place. Restaurant vouchers, arnotts vouchers etc.....they all seemed happy with this as they could splash out on a nice meal or one couple bought a new sofa....

I thought this was all very nice

iguana · 25-06-2011 05:35PM

cheekyass wrote: »

My mother showed me a wedding invitation she received and on it was 'no gifts which can be wrapped' or something to that effect.....essentially what was implied that toasters = no the can be wrapped, cash = yes.....people are unlikely to wrap cash!

It was kind of a round about way of asking for cash gifts only I guess, I found it incredibly rude (and odd).....

I'd be tempted to go on deal pages and pick a selection of the naffest vouchers and give them those in a card. 10 sessions of Bikini Bootcamp for her, a tooth whitening pen and yoga socks for him and a garuffi fish pedicure each for them to share the experience.

kandr10 · 25-06-2011 06:06PM

iguana wrote: »

I'd be tempted to go on deal pages and pick a selection of the naffest vouchers and give them those in a card. 10 sessions of Bikini Bootcamp for her, a tooth whitening pen and yoga socks for him and a garuffi fish pedicure each for them to share the experience.

Brilliant!

PrincessPixie · 27-06-2011 04:11PM

I'd like to think that we as a society have moved on and become a little bit sophisticated in the process of gift giving at a wedding. The majority of people give cash gifts now days, it's a bit unusal to get a wrapped gift, but please consider the following if you do get a wrapped gift it may be because the giftee could not afford to but a large amount of money in a card, maybe that picture frame or set of glasses is to disguise the fact that they don't have 100-200 euro to lodge to your account and would be embarrassed by the paltry sum they have to spend on you, so they choose to give a gift as 50 quid spent on a toaster looks a lot more than 50 quid in a card.

Heineken Helen · 03-07-2011 11:55AM

wexford12 wrote: »

LOL Well thats me told god i didnt think it was that bad an idea.If i got an invite it wouldnt bother me at all but thanks for the time to answer

Same here

. We struggled with how to word it too... so in the end we didn't bother and waited til people asked us. They all DID ask us and then I gave a big speech about how I just want them there and if they want to get us something, we'd gladly accept but we have everything we need so money would be a great option. Everyone gave us money... oh but we did get one electric juicer

. Just trust that most people these days give money but if you get the odd gift it's gonna be nice to have down the line and say it was a wedding pressie.

Two friends are getting married in November and they sent a little note with the invite explaining how they have everything they need but their dream is to do a road trip in the deep south of america for the honeymoon and they're asking for donations to get them as far as they can. It didn't bother me at all since we'd already agreed not to swap gifts

but it wouldn't bother me anyway... but I can see how it would bother some people.

Heineken Helen · 03-07-2011 12:03PM

Reading through the replies though, I'm wondering why people are so offended anyway? If you go to a wedding, you're ALWAYS going to bring a gift to send the couple on their way. The couple have simply been upfront and straightforward about what it is they need and would like. Why people would then go and get them something else is beyond me

. If you had a gift in mind for the couple and get it anyway, that's fine, but don't do it because they were honest enough to say what they wanted.

Again, it's not something I would do but I don't understand why people are so easily offended about traditions and etiquette when many people getting married simply don't know what the done thing is.

Dudess · 03-07-2011 12:19PM

What's traditional about saying "Cash gift only" on an invitation? Darn right people would be offended! :eek: It's reprehensible. It displays such contempt for loved ones. I don't understand how you see it as taking offence easily. It's not the wanting a gift, it's the attitude - I do think every guest should give a gift, don't agree with giving nothing - but a gift is a goodwill gesture, viewing it as payment towards the wedding, house deposit etc is obnoxious. That's not to say there's anything wrong with putting money received towards those things - that makes sense and is practical, and I'm sure the gift-bearers would be happy for it to be put to such use, but seeing wedding presents solely as a cashing-in opportunity rather than goodwill gestures... it's really distasteful.

mikemac · 03-07-2011 12:25PM

Eddie Hobbs has a lot to answer for

He used to have a show for people dealing with finance, everyday people in different situations

Advising a couple to be very clear they wanted cash and bring the numbers up so as to break even.

Heineken Helen · 03-07-2011 12:34PM

Dudess wrote: »

What's traditional about saying "Cash gift only" on an invitation? Darn right people would be offended! :eek: It's reprehensible. It displays such contempt for loved ones. I don't understand how you see it as taking offence easily. It's not the wanting a gift, it's the attitude - I do think every guest should give a gift, don't agree with giving nothing - but a gift is a goodwill gesture, viewing it as payment towards the wedding, house deposit etc is obnoxious.

Most people give gifts... I'm sure most people would like to give something that is needed. Couples getting married know this and most couples on this thread have had the same dilemma, most choosing to say nothing but if everyone goes through it, why should people simply be more upfront? It certainly does not display contempt. I'm sure nobody does it without giving it some thought.

It's not traditional - my point is why do people expect everyone to do everything the traditional way... wouldn't all weddings be exactly the same then? Oh wait....

Dudess · 03-07-2011 01:00PM

I see your point Helen, but it would have to be worded very sensitively, e.g. maybe "If you're giving a gift, it would be fantastic if it were in cash (amount doesn't matter) but it doesn't have to be - any gift would be appreciated". Anyone who puts "Cash gift only please" on the invitation... well I'd like to think I wouldn't know anyone so vile. And worse again, putting a specific amount on it! :eek: I'd fuk the thing back in their faces!

I appreciate even modest weddings can run up high costs due to the amount of guests - it's very easy to say to limit the numbers, but some people have a lot of relatives/friends, and sometimes certain guests have to be invited purely out of a sense of duty (again, not always easy to avoid) but not all guests can afford a generous present, and the pressure can be really piled on them when idiots demand arbitrary high sums. What people can afford should be enough - or if they want to add a bit extra, fair play to them, or if they want to be really generous, their choice, etc. Basically it's an individual thing - shouldn't be "one size fits all" being imposed. If you choose to have a flash wedding, a wedding abroad etc, you certainly shouldn't feel aggrieved if gifts don't cover a good chunk of the costs - nobody puts a gun to anyone's head to have flashy, expensive weddings. That doesn't mean guests shouldn't feel gratitude - in fairness, they should, but they shouldn't feel obliged to repay the lot.

joan mack · 03-07-2011 01:09PM

My son was recently married and all but one guest contributed money, Although they were never asked,. They figured that the best gift and it was. Several guests turned up with nothing and thats to be expected also. Some people think their presence at the event is sufficient.

When looking at the generous amount of money contributed those that gave no present were painfully obvious.

If someone is a bit hard up, You don't expect a present. Thing is they are usually the most generous. Making you feel real guilty

03-07-2011 02:22PM

directly asking for money is so vulgar and such bad taste, do you really want your wedding to be remembered like that?

Weddings should be a celebration of love and joy, not a source of revenue

Heineken Helen · 03-07-2011 02:38PM

Dudess wrote: »

I see your point Helen, but it would have to be worded very sensitively, e.g. maybe "If you're giving a gift, it would be fantastic if it were in cash (amount doesn't matter) but it doesn't have to be - any gift would be appreciated". Anyone who puts "Cash gift only please" on the invitation... well I'd like to think I wouldn't know anyone so vile. And worse again, putting a specific amount on it! :eek: I'd fuk the thing back in their faces!

I appreciate even modest weddings can run up high costs due to the amount of guests - it's very easy to say to limit the numbers, but some people have a lot of relatives/friends, and sometimes certain guests have to be invited purely out of a sense of duty (again, not always easy to avoid) but not all guests can afford a generous present, and the pressure can be really piled on them when idiots come up with arbitrary figures like "€200 per couple". If you choose to have a flash wedding, a wedding abroad etc, you certainly shouldn't feel aggrieved if gifts don't cover a good chunk of the costs - nobody puts a gun to anyone's head to have flashy, expensive weddings.

Oh absolutely... those examples really are vulgar. When it's worded right though, it's simply sensible. If I were told to give 200 per couple, I'd ignore it and still give what I felt reasonable. That's just ridiculous.

Bens · 03-07-2011 02:57PM

I know one couple who got married and had one of those cash demanding poems on the invites.
People laugh about them all the time.
If we ever here of a wedding invite like that we call it a <Insert Couple we knows name > Invite.

It can never be worded right.

iguana · 03-07-2011 03:04PM

Heineken Helen wrote: »

Reading through the replies though, I'm wondering why people are so offended anyway? If you go to a wedding, you're ALWAYS going to bring a gift to send the couple on their way. The couple have simply been upfront and straightforward about what it is they need and would like.

Because it is rude to ask for a gift. Children are brought up to not ask relatives for gifts. You don't walk into your grandmother's house on your birthday and say "where's my present!!!!" or "I already have a doll that wets itself, I wanted a bike!!!!" If I'd done that as a child my parents would have taken the gift off me until I learned manners, and in general people expect better manners from an adult than they do from a child. You wait until it is presented to you as all gifts are at the discretion of the giver. You don't say what you want, or even that you expect a gift because to do so changes the gift from a gift to an expectation. That's very rude and I, along with most posters, don't feel good rewarding rudeness.

Penny Dreadful · 04-07-2011 03:25PM

Heineken Helen wrote: »

Oh absolutely... those examples really are vulgar. When it's worded right though, it's simply sensible. If I were told to give 200 per couple, I'd ignore it and still give what I felt reasonable. That's just ridiculous.

In my opinion there is no right way to word it. You're asking for money plain and simple and that is, again in my opinion, dreadfully rude.

Bens · 04-07-2011 06:50PM

Even my dog knows not to beg.

Heineken Helen · 04-07-2011 10:20PM

iguana wrote: »

Because it is rude to ask for a gift. Children are brought up to not ask relatives for gifts. You don't walk into your grandmother's house on your birthday and say "where's my present!!!!" or "I already have a doll that wets itself, I wanted a bike!!!!" If I'd done that as a child my parents would have taken the gift off me until I learned manners, and in general people expect better manners from an adult than they do from a child. You wait until it is presented to you as all gifts are at the discretion of the giver. You don't say what you want, or even that you expect a gift because to do so changes the gift from a gift to an expectation. That's very rude and I, along with most posters, don't feel good rewarding rudeness.

There's a difference between asking for or demanding a gift and politely stating that if people wish to give you a gift, you have everything you need. I think people should be encouraged to say what's on their minds, otherwise it has the potential to get silly. I guess it depends on how close you are to the people - if it's somebody you barely know or somebody old, it can be crude but if it's a good friend, you should know them well enough to say stuff like this surely

Bens · 04-07-2011 10:34PM

Heineken Helen wrote: »

There's a difference between asking for or demanding a gift and politely stating that if people wish to give you a gift, you have everything you need. I think people should be encouraged to say what's on their minds, otherwise it has the potential to get silly. I guess it depends on how close you are to the people - if it's somebody you barely know or somebody old, it can be crude but if it's a good friend, you should know them well enough to say stuff like this surely

Not a chance. It's rude, end of story.
I would say if you are thinking of putting requests for money in any form on your invites, or even asking your friends to spread the word, then think long and hard about it.
They might tell you they didn't mind, but it won't ever be forgotten.

amdublin · 04-07-2011 10:46PM

There's no two ways about it, it's plain downright rude.

Brides and grooms who've done it (in whatever form eg just saying it to friends when asked etc) can come on here all they like and defend it, but it's indefensible.

Seriously, think back to the way your were brought up. If your mother found out you asked for money she'd be mortified.

The correct answer when anyone asks you what present you want is:
"A present is not important to me, more important is that you are there on the day and you enjoy yourself. But if you are getting us a gift I know we will like and treasure whatever you choose to give us"

And you know what?! Why not try meaning it as well. No matter what they give you.

Get over this fixation of wanting money (seriously how bad does this look seeing it in black and white)

amdublin · 04-07-2011 11:04PM

Bens wrote: »

They might tell you they didn't mind, but it won't ever be forgotten.

So true Bens

LizT · 04-07-2011 11:25PM

I always thought having people at your wedding was more important than gifts or money. Granted, I've never had a wedding but from previous experience (birthday parties, important life events etc) I always remember the people that made the effort to come, not the ones who gave me the most money or the best present.

kandr10 · 05-07-2011 12:16PM

I think it comes from a more 'american' outlook for want of a better phrase. They are generally more forward when it comes to these things. I think it's spreading into Ireland now but such forward-ness doesn't really suit Irish people.
But having said that, people prob had the same discussion when gift registers started to become popular. Now, although not everyone uses them, they're in every department store. I think asking for cash gifts will be as commonplace in the near future.

Redonblonde · 05-07-2011 12:31PM

I don't see why people get offended...I would rather not spend 80euro on a vase that the couple don't want and then it be regifted...my friend was due to move abroad after her wedding here and someone gave her an extremely delicate vase for her wedding, despite knowing about her moving. As much as she loved it, she couldn't have it brought over because it would have broken. Another friend now has 2 big identical expensive food processors, which had no receipts in the box, so cannot be exchanged for something more useful.

iguana · 05-07-2011 02:36PM

Heineken Helen wrote: »

There's a difference between asking for or demanding a gift and politely stating that if people wish to give you a gift, you have everything you need.

Of course there is because saying, "if people wish to give you a gift, you have everything you need" means you are saying you don't want anything at all. That's perfectly acceptable as that's the complete opposite of asking for something, it's also acceptable if people follow up that statement with a charity of choice that anyone who really wants to give a gift can donate to instead. Saying "if people wish to give you a gift, you have everything you need so you'd like money" is just rude.

And the simple fact is that it doesn't matter of you personally see nothing wrong about it. We have variations of this thread on this forum all the time and I have never seen a single thread where less than 80-90% of the posters don't state that they find it extremely rude. So while a few of your guests might find it practical and acceptable, the vast, vast majority will be insulted, will think less of you and possibly gossip about you for ages after.

gimmick · 05-07-2011 04:04PM

amdublin wrote: »

The correct answer when anyone asks you what present you want is:
"A present is not important to me, more important is that you are there on the day and you enjoy yourself. But if you are getting us a gift I know we will like and treasure whatever you choose to give us"

Jesus Christ - If I asked someone what they wanted/needed and they gave me that reply I would probably puke at them.

I once heard of an invite stating "minimum contribution". Not popular.

Cathmandooo · 05-07-2011 05:08PM

Redonblonde wrote: »

Another friend now has 2 big identical expensive food processors, which had no receipts in the box, so cannot be exchanged for something more useful.

A food processor can always be sold or given to charity (or a lucky friend?!) if they have two.

gimmick wrote: »

I once heard of an invite stating "minimum contribution". Not popular.

That's horrifying! I wonder what would happen if (when) they dont give the minimum, do you think they'll get a bill in the post?

Toots · 05-07-2011 06:44PM

gimmick wrote: »

I once heard of an invite stating "minimum contribution". Not popular.

I work in a bank and an elderly couple came in one day and asked for an international bank transfer form, when they had filled it in and asked me to look it over, they handed me a card with the bank details etc to see had they missed anything.

The card was a wedding invitation from their grandson who was getting married in Spain, and it said 'In lieu of gifts the couple would appreciate a contribution towards the cost of their reception' and they had the IBAN, SWIFT code and the name of the hotel where the wedding was being held!!!

Invitations and asking for cash presents

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