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Porn and the men in our lives.

  • 20-04-2011 11:28AM
    #1
    Mallei
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 144 ✭✭Mallei


    There was another thread on boards about this topic, but rightfully it wasn't the place for a great discussion on porn and its place in a relationship. I thought it was an interesting topic to have a debate on, though.

    Personally, I find the idea of porn in a relationship abhorrent. I hate the idea that a guy I'm with, who is supposed to like me and me alone, is playing with himself and getting himself off to explicit images of other women. Women who possess bodily assets and will do things that I could never and will never do. That when he goes looking for pictures of women who arouse him, those women look nothing like me. He could find pictures of women who looked like me if he wanted, he could even use actual pictures of me. But he doesn't - he gets more aroused by those who don't look like me.

    I don't see why it's so hard for a man to just control that urge and not look at pictures or videos of other women. I manage to, and the women I know don't, either. When we were single, of course we let our minds wander, but the whole point of a relationship is commitment and we dream only of our partners, or at the very least keep the fantasy entirely in our head.

    Am I alone in these assertions, though? I know there are a lot of women out there who don't mind, or at least accept that if they do mind they're being unreasonable. Personally, however, I don't think I am being unreasonable.

    Are there women out there who, despite letting their partners watch porn because they tell themselves they tolerate it, deep down it still upsets them a little bit? It doesn't have to be rational after all, although personally I think it's entirely rational.


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Comments

  • #2
    Marc Hot Drill
    Posts: 81,308 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Marc Hot Drill


    I don't mind at all, I don't really care. We all use different things to get off. Hell, watching it together can be fun.

    How someone finds it disrespectful goes way over my head to be honest.
    I hate the idea that a guy I'm with, who is supposed to like me and me alone, is playing with himself and getting himself off to explicit images of other women.
    I don't mean to be insulting but I find this attitude often comes from insecurity, and massively so. He's with you, he wants you, that's that.
    I may love and desire a partner, but I'm still going to be posting pictures of david tennant in our tll thread!!
    Personally I think I would prefer a partner to still find other women attractive and come home to me - just because he's in a relationship with me doesn't mean he is blind.


  • #3
    Cupcake_Crisis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 21,448 ✭✭✭✭Cupcake_Crisis


    I dont get upset by it, but I would prefer my partner watched it with me rather than by himself.


  • #4
    biscuiteater
    Closed Accounts Posts: 77 ✭✭biscuiteater


    in all fairness to the blokes, have you never watched a main stream movie and thought the guy who was the hero was gorgeous, and perhaps he was nothing like your fella. the guy who was saving the world or saving the girl which your fella will probably never do either.
    do think there's much difference we just look at things in a different ways


  • #5
    amiable
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,206 ✭✭✭✭amiable


    I don't get the idea that a man is supposed to like his partner and his partner alone.
    All men will be attracted to other people.
    There's nothing anyone can do about that just like all women will be attracted to other people.


  • #6
    Mr. CooL ICE
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,013 ✭✭✭✭Mr. CooL ICE


    Mallei wrote: »
    I don't see why it's so hard for a man to just control that urge
    You don't see why its so hard because you are not a man.


    Nothing wrong with a little window shopping as long as no purchases are made :)


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  • #7
    jayteecork
    Site Banned Posts: 5,676 ✭✭✭jayteecork


    Mallei wrote: »
    will do things that I could never and will never do.

    Don't knock it till you've tried it :)


  • #8
    LittleBook
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,716 ✭✭✭LittleBook


    If I can have my porn, he can have his.


  • #9
    amiable
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,206 ✭✭✭✭amiable


    LittleBook wrote: »
    If I can have my porn, he can have his.
    I doubt he'd have a problem with that


  • #10
    Mallei
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 144 ✭✭Mallei


    LordChessington wrote: »
    You don't see why its so hard because you are not a man.

    Isn't this the biggest get-out ever though? "You won't understand why I love porn because you're not a man like me. It's a basic need I have and since you don't have it you just need to understand and put up with it."

    Sorry, but I don't think that's right. If you want to go imagining yourself with other women then do it when you're not supposed to be loyal to one woman and one woman alone.

    And before it comes up that men aren't enjoying the sight of the women, they're just using it as visual stimuli - what does that even mean? Of course they're using the sight of the women. That IS the visual stimuli! Or are the man adoring the sight of the sofa or bed but totally ignoring the women with an amazing figure howling like a banshee.


  • #11
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    [Okay - I'll add a caveat that I'm not ever talking about rape/child/animal/whatever illegal stuff in the following because these discussion invariably turn into moralising on the tiny percentage of awful stuff and willfully ignore the billions of stuff that amateurs put up of themselves that harm no-one and are realistic...]

    I like porn, he likes porn, we like porn...not an issue.

    I actually get off on the thought of him having relations with other people so it doesn't threaten me in the slightest that he would also get turned on by that...

    Tbh, I don't get what the whole big deal with porn is for some women. I have an imagination, I often fantasise about men and women, I definitely don't always think of my partner - I think porn is just the lazy man/woman's imagination. I wouldn't tell my parter how and when he could touch his own body, nor what he thinks about or looks at as he does it [again, using the above caveat]

    In realistic terms, the vast majority of men, if not people, use porn - that's why it is by far the biggest entity on the net. And pretty much everyone masturbates. You hear the "why amn't I enough", "why can't he just think of me" - it just reeks of insecurity and control...if a guy told me what I should be thinking of and what should or shouldn't turn me on just because I chose to be in a relationship with them they'd be out on their ear asap.


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  • #12
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,375 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    It's escapism, that's all. Variety is the spice of life and all that....

    Im sure porn is responsible for both destroying and saving many a marriage.


  • #13
    Morgase
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 737 ✭✭✭Morgase


    I have myself almost convinced that I'm fine with it, but deep down I know I'm not 100% comfortable with the idea of my boyfriend getting off to images of real women.

    I don't mind the idea of him looking at / admiring other women, it's more that he is actually getting off because he's so turned on by these other women.

    I've no problem at all with erotic fiction, and I think that's because it's fiction and there's no real women involved.

    On the other side, I've a feeling that he has a similar attitude towards vibrators so I suppose it's give and take.


  • #14
    NoDice
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,088 ✭✭✭NoDice


    I would get upset about it and would have agreed with you a few months ago without a doubt. But I have my own insecurities. I went through a very dodge relationship and have been comparing my perfect one now with that nightmare.

    I have started to think that it really is only window shopping! I have absolutely no problem watching it with him and think that that can be very sexy but man, it took me ages to let sleeping dogs lie and to move on from what happened in the past.

    I know my boyfriend would never cheat on me, I know he wouldn't watch it if I asked him to also. We're both very open with each other too so I know when he's lying which is a rarity.

    He also knows I have an issue with it but I know it's childish and I'm working on just letting him do what he wants if he wants to watch it!


  • #15
    Otis Driftwood
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭Otis Driftwood


    Okay,I know you asked for female opinions however Im just going to give you my thoughts to maybe help give you a bit of perspective on it.

    I watch porn,I watch it on my own,Ive watched it with partners,Ive watched it on my own while in a relationship.

    When in a relationship yes,I watch it a helluva lot less,obviously if Im getting regular sex the need to masturbate is much lower however most men will still do it.

    The opinion you have is that your fella is getting aroused by or thinking about having sex with the women on screen.With me that isnt the case because pornography is pure fantasy and in a lot of cases the fantasy will never live up to the reality.When watching porn while in a relationship I always,always fantasise about being with whomever Im seeing at the time.If Im having regular sex then its harder to get aroused on my own as Ive gotten used to being with a real person and obviously that will never compare to any type of porn ever,it just cant.If I hadnt seen my partner in a few days or we couldnt have sex for whatever reason then the urge is naturally much higher so porn is a quick fix,nothing more,nothing less.

    From speaking with friends,reading other forums on boards or elsewhere,in general the typical porn star look of peroxide blonde hair,pneumatic silicone breasts and botox'ed faces really arent all that attractive.Reality is where its at and having a partner and enjoying a fulfilling sex life is more arousing and erotic than anything in life.

    The only way I could see a man watching porn being a problem is if it begins to take the place of regular sex.

    I hope the above helps give you even a little bit of understanding as to why we watch it.

    :)


    /scuttles back to tGC.


  • #16
    abouttobebanned
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,943 ✭✭✭abouttobebanned


    OP you sound like a prude and I hope you have found the right man for you (low to mid libido).

    Men are designed this way...hormones..testosterone etc...it's How we were made. You posted it in here because sub consciously you wanted other women to agree with you even though you must know that your opinion is in the minority.

    And I can just imagine the disgusted face on ya when you wrote "playing with themselves"

    Some women can go without sex for weeks, even months, until Jupiter and our moon are lined up in a specific way...

    Men need an outlet...it's either going to be porn...or another woman. Your call.


  • #17
    Morgase
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 737 ✭✭✭Morgase


    abouttobebanned wrote: »
    OP you sound like a prude and I hope you have found the right man for you (low to mid libido).

    Men are designed this way...hormones..testosterone etc...it's How we were made. You posted it in here because sub consciously you wanted other women to agree with you even though you must know that your opinion is in the minority.

    And I can just imagine the disgusted face on ya when you wrote "playing with themselves"

    Some women can go without sex for weeks, even months, until Jupiter and our moon are lined up in a specific way...

    Men need an outlet...it's either going to be porn...or another woman. Your call.

    In fairness to the OP, she hasn't said anything about having a low libido herself. I don't know where you picked that up from.


  • #18
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    abouttobebanned, as per the forum charter, the ladies lounge is primarily a place for the female posters of boards to discuss issues from a female perspective - suggesting any of those posters are prudes or have libido issues for doing so is not on.

    Please take the time to read the charter before posting in the Ladies Lounge again.


  • #19
    Mallei
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 144 ✭✭Mallei


    abouttobebanned wrote: »
    OP you sound like a prude and I hope you have found the right man for you (low to mid libido).

    You have no idea what my libido is like. I, in fact, have quite a high libido. You are making the mistake of equating a high sex drive with high use of porn - I can assure you that I would enjoy very regular sex with a potential partner, but that doesn't mean I condone the use of porn in a relationship. In fact, I would argue it gives even less excuse for it because it's not like the man isn't "getting any".
    abouttobebanned wrote: »
    Men are designed this way...hormones..testosterone etc...it's How we were made. You posted it in here because sub consciously you wanted other women to agree with you even though you must know that your opinion is in the minority.

    I already know that other women agree with me. I also know that other women disagree with me. That's kind of the point of a debate.
    abouttobebanned wrote: »
    And I can just imagine the disgusted face on ya when you wrote "playing with themselves"

    I have no problem with masturbation. Please stop insinuating things about my character you have no idea about.
    abouttobebanned wrote: »
    Some women can go without sex for weeks, even months, until Jupiter and our moon are lined up in a specific way...

    And some women can't even go a day without sex.
    abouttobebanned wrote: »
    Men need an outlet...it's either going to be porn...or another woman. Your call.

    So if I don't let my partner masturbate to pictures of other women he'll just go and sleep with other women instead? Guaranteed? Wow, there's less hope for your gender than I thought.


  • #20
    Mallei
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 144 ✭✭Mallei


    Sorry Ickle, made that reply whilst you were making yours.


  • #21
    krudler
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 34,788 ✭✭✭✭krudler


    Only one of my exes ever had a problem with porn, (not with using a vibrator when I wasnt around though, that "was different" :rolleyes: ) its visual stimulation, thats it. I dont sleep with a woman and have images of the plastic pornstar with fake boobs in my head at the time, doesnt work that way.

    OP, you'd prefer your guy whacked off to pics of you? I'd imagine most women would find that more odd than looking at porn. Do you own a vibrator? if so then its a bit hypocritical of you to not want your partner to be stimulated when you can yourself.

    The only time porn should be a problem in a relationship is if either person is choosing that over actual sex, I'd have absolutely zero issue with a girl I was going out with watching it, in fact I'd find it odd she didnt.

    also, this "you should only have eyes for ME!" thing is ridiculous, when you're in a relationship you dont suddenly only find your partner attractive, its human nature to find good looking people...good looking. acting on that impulse or blatantly gawking at other people in your prescent is a different thing altogether. let me spare you some wondering if he fancies other women, be it in real life or celebrities on tv, he does. simple as. we all do.


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  • #22
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Mallei wrote: »
    Wow, there's less hope for your gender than I thought.

    Mallei, the ladies lounge is a discussion forum; misandry, gender generalizations and general man hating is not permitted. As a general rule, if you wouldn't like a male poster to say such a thing about you and your gender - don't post it.

    Many thanks


  • #23
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,661 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    I have absolutely no problems with my partner watching porn. I'd encourage him to watch it with me. I'd actually be more concerned if he didn't watch porn.

    The reason I don't care is because I watch porn on occasion too. I know exactly what goes through my head when I'm watching it. I barely see the faces of the people in it. I'm not looking at the guy's knob and thinking "Oh, I wish my partner's was like that" - the same goes for any physical characteristic. I'm just watching what they're doing and imagining being in that situation myself, usually with my partner.

    Honestly, I get far more worked up about actors on the TV than I ever would about porn. Porn is functional. I watch it, I get off on it, I'm done. Whereas show me an episode of True Blood and I'll be lost for days in fantasies about me and Alexander Sarsgard running away together. If my partner was to be threatened about something, it should be the fantasies I have about famous people, not porn stars :pac:. But in reality, neither of them are a threat at all. They're just escapism.


  • #24
    abouttobebanned
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,943 ✭✭✭abouttobebanned


    If I got you wrong, then I apologise.

    I think a lot of what I said may well be valid to this thread though, wherever it may go from here.


  • #25
    The_Morrigan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,368 ✭✭✭The_Morrigan


    I'm all for it :D

    I've even had the discussion of "so I was watching this vid the other day and I saw this thing...was wondering if, ya know, we could try it..."

    Broadens the mind and all that.


  • #26
    LittleBook
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,716 ✭✭✭LittleBook


    amiable wrote: »
    I doubt he'd have a problem with that

    He doesn't :)


  • #27
    krudler
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 34,788 ✭✭✭✭krudler


    Faith wrote: »
    I have absolutely no problems with my partner watching porn. I'd encourage him to watch it with me. I'd actually be more concerned if he didn't watch porn.

    The reason I don't care is because I watch porn on occasion too. I know exactly what goes through my head when I'm watching it. I barely see the faces of the people in it. I'm not looking at the guy's knob and thinking "Oh, I wish my partner's was like that" - the same goes for any physical characteristic. I'm just watching what they're doing and imagining being in that situation myself, usually with my partner.

    Honestly, I get far more worked up about actors on the TV than I ever would about porn. Porn is functional. I watch it, I get off on it, I'm done. Whereas show me an episode of True Blood and I'll be lost for days in fantasies about me and Alexander Sarsgard running away together. If my partner was to be threatened about something, it should be the fantasies I have about famous people, not porn stars :pac:. But in reality, neither of them are a threat at all. They're just escapism.


    Same as, when I'm with someone I'm with someone, I'd never cheat. But that doesnt mean I wont see a pic of someone like Mila Kunis or whoever and drool accordingly.


  • #28
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,360 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    abouttobebanned wrote: »
    OP you sound like a prude and I hope you have found the right man for you (low to mid libido).
    Hope that crystal ball is working out for you...:rolleyes:
    Men are designed this way...hormones..testosterone etc...it's How we were made.
    Yea maybe in the big book of cliches for boys. Women get horny too you know. Indeed when you go over the 30-35 year olds, they're more libidinous than men on average. More women than men complain about lack of physical intimacy in marriage and its noted in many a divorce case.
    You posted it in here because sub consciously you wanted other women to agree with you even though you must know that your opinion is in the minority.
    Freud PM'd me, he wants his couch back.
    Some women can go without sex for weeks, even months, until Jupiter and our moon are lined up in a specific way...
    Ditto for some men. And a lot of men go without because they can't. What's the biggest selling prescription drug on earth? Vitamin V, the pills that put the lead back in your pencil. Ever wonder why?
    Men need an outlet...it's either going to be porn...or another woman. Your call.
    No. Maybe you
    are that black and white but please don't speak for the rest of us.

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



  • #29
    Mallei
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 144 ✭✭Mallei


    krudler wrote: »
    Only one of my exes ever had a problem with porn, (not with using a vibrator when I wasnt around though, that "was different" :rolleyes: ) its visual stimulation, thats it. I dont sleep with a woman and have images of the plastic pornstar with fake boobs in my head at the time, doesnt work that way.

    No one insinuated that you did. But whilst you're watching that porn and getting yourself off, you're doing it to the image of that woman. Of course you are - it's her sexuality and the sexuality of the acts on screen that is getting you worked up.

    I'm not trying to say men shouldn't find porn arousing, but I don't see why they need to use it in a relationship when they have more arousing things to think of (ie, the person they're actually with). I think it's a bit sad when they find a video of some random pornstar more arousing than memories or fantasies of their partner - and if they don't, why are they watching porn and not fantasising about their partner then?
    krudler wrote: »
    OP, you'd prefer your guy whacked off to pics of you? I'd imagine most women would find that more odd than looking at porn. Do you own a vibrator? if so then its a bit hypocritical of you to not want your partner to be stimulated when you can yourself.

    I don't know why most women would find that odd at all. We share our bodies with that person - personally I can't think of much more flattering than knowing that when he can't share my body for whatever reason, he's imagining that he is.

    And my vibrator is a small piece of plastic that vibrates. It is not images of another woman having sex. I use the vibrator purely because I find it difficult to get myself off on my own and it does the job very well. If I were looking at pictures of naked men whilst I did it then that would be hypocritical.


  • #30
    Marc Hot Drill
    Posts: 81,308 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Marc Hot Drill


    Mallei wrote: »
    And my vibrator is a small piece of plastic that vibrates. It is not images of another woman having sex. I use the vibrator purely because I find it difficult to get myself off on my own and it does the job very well. If I were looking at pictures of naked men whilst I did it then that would be hypocritical.

    Exactly. Same thing.


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  • #31
    Mallei
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 144 ✭✭Mallei


    bluewolf wrote: »
    Exactly. Same thing.

    Would you mind elaborating on that?

    I can't help that physically I find it difficult to pleasure myself with my hand. A lot of women do, hence sex toys sell so well.

    Porn does not do the same thing. If we really wanted to draw parallels shouldn't we be discussing male sex toys? The man is pleasuring himself perfectly well with his hand. Porn is not stimulating his cock - it's stimulating his mind. My mind is stimulated by the fantasies I have of my partner; I use to toy simply because on the physical side it is a little tricky for me.


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