Getting jerked about by women

Malari · 07-02-2011 07:43PM

I have actually been on the reverse of this. I broke up with a guy I was seeing and was accused of not being over my ex!

I didn't feel as strongly for the guy I had been seeing casually, as my ex. I'd probably mentioned the ex a couple of times, but I was definitely over him!

I think when you meet someone who feels strongly about you any history with an ex will go out the window. I fell in love with my boyfriend within a week and there was just no comparison with my ex. I think when you meet a girl who seriously falls for you, all thoughts of her ex will disappear. I hope that for you anyway!

Dolph Starbeam · 07-02-2011 09:49PM

Galvasean wrote: »

So basically what I'm looking to find out with this thread is am I just quite unlucky with this or is it commonplace?

Common enough really, last girl i was with over xmas and January, both of us really liked each other i think and then comes the line "i've just come out of a long relationship and i need more time" etc. She had broke up wth her ex 4 months previous, they were with each other for 4 or 5 years though i think so i can understand it, kind of. We have still met a few times and am good friends with her but that excuse does suck. It is common enough though i find.

--LOS-- · 07-02-2011 10:38PM

Galvasean wrote: »

Looking for some feedback here:
It seems as if every seemingly nice woman I encounter has gotten themself so well and thoroughly effed up with 'emotional baggage' or 'issues' with an ex that they can't seem to function properly.

Example, I had been dating this girl for a little while. Everything going great. I really like her. She really likes me. Then one day, out of the blue she texts me (while I'm at work, yay!) with a message that starts with the line that can never end well; "Hey I have been thinking...". Basically she tells me that things 'are still complicated' with her and her ex and she needs to 'sort out whats going on with him'. Of course the whole thing is capped off with that beautiful sentiment, "My head is all over the place at the moment" :rolleyes:
Long story short, she can't see me (casual relationship that it was) because she has 'issues' with her ex, WTF?

You can't just dismiss it as an excuse like a lot of people have suggested. Ofc previous relationships carry baggage for both sexes and it's maybe not something that comes to light offhand. If those girls are breaking up with you for those reasons they're only doing it to be fair to themselves and you. Would you rather have to deal with all the 'baggage' if they can't keep it to themselves? If one o them broke up with the ex a few months ago, that's not much time at all if it was a long relationship.

Mackman wrote: »

Now, here's the tricky bit. The goal is not to find someone who doesnt have baggage, its to find someone who doesnt bother you with their baggage. Or are emotionally mature enough to deal with it themselves and get over it.

It's pretty selfish to bother someone with past relationships baggage, if you can't just forget it and leave it aside or deal with it yourself, don't bring it up with your new partner ffs.

Howard the Duck · 07-02-2011 11:03PM

Galvasean wrote: »

Well, I'm not a particularly confident person by any means. Quite the opposite actually. :pac:
edit: well, thats not exactly true... I'd be a bit more manic than that; fairly low on confidence by standard, easily boosted (by say getting a date with a nice girl), but also easily shattered (by say being let go).

You sound exactly like me. But i have sent a lot of "lets just be friends" "i'm not looking for a serious relationship" texts to girls that were very nice but i just didn't like them enough to take it any further.
So i try not to take it hard when i get the same texts myself. My issue is i get nervous around girls i really like and don't feel comfortable enough to be myself, And the girls i don't like as much i'm fine around and they mostly like me.

It's hard not to take it to heart when someone you like says they don't want to see you for whatever reason. But.......nah i don't have a but sorry

FrDickByrne · 07-02-2011 11:31PM

I think everyone that has been in any kind of serious relationship can related to many of the topics that have been highlighted in this thread. I can relate to both sides of the OPs troubles. It is truly headwreaking when it seems someone is wasting your time or playing you. When these cases go up in smoke you will send yourself lula if you start doing post-mortems on them.

From my experiences I find relationships are all about timing. As someone stated baggage and personal history has/can have an enormous standing when it comes to the game of love and courting. The whole timing issue refers to both entering and whilst in a relationship.

When my first serious relationship(2 years) finished I met this girl about two weeks later. We started seeing each other quite casually if you know what I mean. She was and still is an absolute gem, ya could argue she was twice as much craic as my ex and hot as hell. After a few weeks we came to the "we'll make something official here and stop the messing". I had to stop right there. I loved being with the girl and the chemistry we shared was mighty. But I was still totally drained from my break up and wanted to give a relationship a go as much as I did wanted to it my balls in a toaster (nil). I gave her all the lines you have quoted and as bull$hity and cliche as they sound they all were genuine, I didn't mean any harm to the girl.

On the other foot when I first got involved with that relationship that affected me some much I was all mad for a relationship. The girl was (with her baggage) really scared about moving the relationship forward too fast. I remember we had spent the weekend back at my homeplace as she was meeting my parents. Few nights later we were in the bec chatting and she started bawling voicing her fear of how it's a big thing (total heart on sleeve stuff beautifully tragic). Anyone understand what I'm getting at? That next step can be a big one.

It is like if you have doubts there is no point is dragging it out. If someone told me I was going to be in a trainwreak, it would be in my best interest to get off the train.

Timing it is all about timing. Tis crap when nothing seems wrong and it all stops but it is more a pity than a travesty.

CDfm · 07-02-2011 11:44PM

Galvasean, you bring me back a bit, I kindof think it is dishonest of someone to go out with someone else while you are still holding a torch for your ex.

I do feel for you as you did invest some emotional energy into this on someone who was not emotionally available.

Her issues are not your problem.

Is there a common denominator on the type of woman you are going for.

A couple of years ago , I went out with someone like that, probably longer than I should have. Sitting out for coffee in Howth, after we had broken up for a long while, I got a text "wanna take me out for dinner & champagne". The friends I was with, women as it happens, were adamant that I should not touch her with a bargepole.

So maybe , you need to look outside your comfortzone a little, someone a bit different than the type of woman you are dating.

Some people might say "bullet dodged". Get back together in the future, well you would feel second best.

Best of luck Mr G & lets hope the next lady deserves you.

Galvasean · 07-02-2011 11:49PM

CDfm wrote: »

Is there a common denominator on the type of woman you are going for.

Not that I can think of. I just go for someone I'm attracted to. I don't think I have a preferred 'type'.
As it happens, my last girlfriend actually asked me out. Can't blame my choosing for that one.

I appreciate all the input guys (and gals)

smallgarden · 08-02-2011 12:20AM

id agree with it as just an excuse.i think weve all got a bit complacent i think nowadays when it comes to dating people are leaving it longer and longer to let go of the joys of single life until its too late and therel be an entire generation of unmarried,childless people as a result (jeesh im cheery tonight!my bad!)

there are plenty of men and women out there with baggage and personal issues,i think people are more open and honest about stuff nowadays so generally more aware of peoples issues
i recently got drunken text from friend of someone telling me his friend was dead!when he died,where buried etc
which he wasnt,now thats issues!

CDfm · 08-02-2011 12:33AM

But there are plenty of great people out there too.

So there is something like 7 billion people on the planet and 3.5 billion are women.

There are around 3 million women on the island of Ireland Mr G & you are only looking for 1 normal 1. So the odds are with you.

magneticimpulse · 08-02-2011 10:21AM

Galvasean wrote: »

Not that I can think of. I just go for someone I'm attracted to. I don't think I have a preferred 'type'.
As it happens, my last girlfriend actually asked me out. Can't blame my choosing for that one.

I appreciate all the input guys (and gals)

Well from a womans point of view, yes you are going for the wrong type of women. I split up with my ex 18 months now. Lots of advice on boards was get out there and meet someone new. Well I didnt. I just worked on me. I have to say its was brillant to have the space and reset button.

From recent online dating experience, I have had guys chatting to me whose profiles say
" Interested in dating but nothing serious"

I politely contact them back and say sorry that I am not interested in them for that reason. They reply saying, sure how can we be serious if we never met?? Im at a time in my life where I want a serious relationship, I am not going to rush into anything just for the sake of having a boyfriend.

There are plenty of women like that, but you prob wont meet them in bars. Nice women do go to bars and clubs, but they are not the ones making the eye contact and out on the prowl. They are either having a quite drink with friends or dancing away on the floor.

I think its important to be unfront with people on things like internet dating. I dont care if they freak out, because I know that I was happy I found out sooner or later and there are plenty more guys out there interested in long term thing. I have tried internet dating in the past, but gave up, because I was just going along for the date!! But if you want to take it serious, you really have to look for the "serious long term people". Im not sure if you have already stated that you are looking for a "long term" relationship. You also need to check that they have the same level of commitment as well.

magneticimpulse · 08-02-2011 10:24AM

CDfm wrote: »

But there are plenty of great people out there too.

So there is something like 7 billion people on the planet and 3.5 billion are women.

There are around 3 million women on the island of Ireland Mr G & you are only looking for 1 normal 1. So the odds are with you.

This would mean that there are only 500,000 men in Ireland?? And that was the population before mass emigration (which incidently was mainly men)....

listermint · 08-02-2011 10:34AM

Hi OP

TBH, 3-6 months to be 'replacing' a previous relationship is far far too short. You should chalk it very much up to experience and frankly keep it EXTREMELY casual with any girl who is within this sort of time frame. This especially evident if the girl has been seeing their ex for anything more than 1-2 years.

People can be quite funny and would have to really have some connection with a person to be able to obliterate all/most previous feelings.
Is it possible that you were indeed moving too fast for this person? I mean she may not have had strong feelings for her ex, but then again didnt really want to raise the same strong links with someone new so quickly.

My advice is to act accordingly to the relationship at hand and never pressure the other person even if you feel you need to put some extra gas into the relationship because it might be heavily one sided. Every situation is different. But recent breakups should always be approached with caution even if it appears easy going at the outset. That tends to be the person reassuring themselves that they are wanted.

I hope that makes sense, it did when i was in full type.;)

Best of luck.

D'Agger · 08-02-2011 11:41AM

tbh wrote: »

I used to be the same, particularly with one girl. I wasn't in a great place at the time and put all my eggs in her basket, if you'll pardon the expression. She blew hot and cold, when she flirted with me, I felt great, when she didn't, I felt terrible.
One day, I literally copped on that you have to take the rough with the smooth. If I don't get hyper when she gave me positive feedback, I don't get low when she gave me negative feedback. Coming to this conclusion led me to have a deeper appreciation of why I was acting the way I was with her - sending her texts etc. It wasn't necessarily because I thought she was the love of my life, I didn't really, it was more that I was after the "high" of having her give me positive feedback, and also of reassuring myself that I was in control of the situation - in other words, that I had the choice of whether I wanted to be with her or not.

so, my behaviour before was to give her an opportunity to make me feel good - which could go either way - I simply stopped doing that. I stopped texting her, forgoing the chance of a high from a postive reply so I could escape the low of a negative reply. IF she texted me, I'd be perfectly nice to her and all, but I stopped "fishing".

It worked, boy oh boy did it work! if this is the bit where you expect me to say she started chasing after me - she didn't. It never came to anything. but the fact that I was able to let it die a natural death left me open to being in another relationship - seven years on and I'm married with a child on the way.

two lessons i learned.

one, and probably the most important thing - if you seek to validate yourself through the reactions of others to you, you're always going to be a hostage to a bunch of stuff you have no control over.

two, She really could be hung up over her ex, or maybe she has a thing for guys who are shorter/taller/heavier/lighter/funnier than you. You shouldn't try to change to accomodate her any less than you should lie on your CV to get a job that doesn't suit you. Sometimes two people just don't click, and that's nobodys fault.

and sometimes, when she says "its not you, its me" - she means it.

,

Were I wearing a hat, I'd tip it to you good sir

- excellent post especially the bit in bold

magneticimpulse · 08-02-2011 12:14PM

^ Good post indeed.

I dont know how long are you out of a relationship yourself? My relationship, although only 1 year really broke my heart and that ended 18 months ago and im 30!!! Sometimes it doesnt matter how long the relationship was, sometimes you just felt it was the "one" blah blah.

I have another friend who broke up with an ex 10 months ago. 1 week later she got with another guy (who she is still with). It definitely helped her get over the ex. I know she like the current guy, but I feel she only got with him as a rebound...who knows.

The post above is good, because I think I could have been that person if I too had rushed into another relationship, looking for validation. However 18 months has given me the time to get my head clear, to be independent again and to get out of habits of texting people and getting quick highs and lows. Everything is level field now. I feel completely ready to get into a relationship.

I am not saying people who are 1 - 6 months out of a relationship cannot get into a new one, but certainly the longer the break the less isssues they are going to have

Also maybe a number of other factors can cause a relationship to end which seems to be going ok,

............like too much of an age gap (meaning different stages in life, different hopes for future etc)

............habits which didnt bother them before or they never knew about...like snoring, smoking, drinking, farting, spitting, gargling etc.

...........not forward planning or driving a car. As in how easy or difficult it is to see each other. Some people really need to know an exact plan so they can fit in friends etc around dates.

..........being too pushy about settling down...my friend dated a guy last year who insisted they have a baby by Christmas despite they only dated for 2 months.

..........being too private about your life...like being part of a secret boys club or having friends which you exclude from the new gf because "you are not sure" if its serious enough or not.

This are just a few things which cause women to break up suddenly besides still not being over the guy.

The best is not to dwell on the negative!! You need to find the correct key to open the right door! You need to look for women who are totally over ex boyfriends, who have had a long break from past relationship and who are looking for serious relationship (or whatever it is you desire from a partner).

Deedsie · 08-02-2011 12:18PM

magneticimpulse wrote: »

This would mean that there are only 500,000 men in Ireland?? And that was the population before mass emigration (which incidently was mainly men)....

Nah, there are 6,197,100 people in Ireland based on the last census. Unless you don't like Irish people from the North, then you are down to 4,470,770 from the south.

Half the islands population is 3,098,550 females. How many of whom are married, in a relationship, under age, over age, lesbians, come from different social class than op, similar interests etc.

You wouldn't have 100,000 left after that. I am sure there is someone out there for you though op, I had a similar situation to you. If I was interested, she wasn't, if she was interested I wasn't.

Think I have found the right one now though. Hopefully. I'm sure you will too. Best of luck.

annetted · 08-02-2011 12:27PM

hi
my sister was friends with this guy for months - with lots of flirting thrown in. looked liked things were going places when his ex of 4 and a half years came back on the scene. him and the ex are giving it a go. my sister feels like a fool, but what can you do in a situation like that. sometimes being an ex means nothing at all.. you just have to be so careful about who you like or have a relationship with..

Gunsfortoys · 08-02-2011 02:15PM

Haven't had this one yet, if it is happening quite often you may be going for the wrong kind of girls. Clichéd as hell but you should join a club you are interested in and get to know people without the emotional stuff.

I wouldn't worry about it anyways.

Maj Malfunction · 08-02-2011 02:25PM

We've all been there "its not you its me"... maybe the ladies you have dated just simply lack the maturity to get involved with someone. Rather than beat yourself up about it, wondering where you went wrong, I'd suggest you focus on its their loss not yours and move on.

snorlax · 08-02-2011 03:23PM

it happens the other way round too...eg my ex wanted to' be friends' but he broke up with me..and he really hurt me so i didnt want to feel like a tag-a-long.

magneticimpulse · 08-02-2011 03:38PM

Deedsie wrote: »

Nah, there are 6,197,100 people in Ireland based on the last census. Unless you don't like Irish people from the North, then you are down to 4,470,770 from the south.

Half the islands population is 3,098,550 females. How many of whom are married, in a relationship, under age, over age, lesbians, come from different social class than op, similar interests etc.

You wouldn't have 100,000 left after that. I am sure there is someone out there for you though op, I had a similar situation to you. If I was interested, she wasn't, if she was interested I wasn't.

Think I have found the right one now though. Hopefully. I'm sure you will too. Best of luck.

No I was not counting people in the North because that is a different country...United Kingdom.

I knew it had gone up to 4 million or so mark. But I equally knew that about 100,000 people left last year...and I know all my cousins have left the country (about 60 of them last year)...Im also down on the census...but live in France. Most of the Polish went back to Poland. If every family has a similar ratio...then its prob back down to 3.5 million population.

Anyway thats another topic.

Galvasean · 08-02-2011 08:31PM

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Well from a womans point of view, yes you are going for the wrong type of women.

Gunsfortoys wrote: »

Haven't had this one yet, if it is happening quite often you may be going for the wrong kind of girls.

Well like I said, I'm not actively going for a 'type'. I don't spot a girl who looks emotionally messed up and decide, "that's what I want". That's the tricky thing, there is non way (that I know of) of telling who has emotional baggage from previous relationships until you actually get to know them.

listermint wrote: »

Hi OP
TBH, 3-6 months to be 'replacing' a previous relationship is far far too short. You should chalk it very much up to experience and frankly keep it EXTREMELY casual with any girl who is within this sort of time frame. This especially evident if the girl has been seeing their ex for anything more than 1-2 years.

Again, I have no way of telling what girls are just out of relationships or how long their last relationship lasted. Plus i doubt many would appreciate being asked on the first date.
As for casuality, I don't think meeting up twice in the space of a week is overbearing on my part (or is it?). I mean, I'm not one to profess my undying love for someone having known them for the best part of a very short time.

I wouldn't worry about it anyways.

Good advice.

missrandomer · 08-02-2011 10:53PM

hope its ok for girls to post here! but i just thought id giv my 2 cents.
I have to slightly agree with tbh as if you hold back a small bit it will add mystery and what tbh said your not waiting for positive feedback so you keep tryin to b nice in order to get that feedback

In your case, i think thats just the way peoples lives are, its just wether a girl uses an ex as an excus or not. Its not just us girls who do it, boys do it too.

Dont take it to heart, the "its not you" thing really is not you, its there crap not urs. People nearly always want what they cant have.... Dont be the "get over him, guy" your better than that from what i can see Galvasean, but do what you want to do and not wat you think some girl wants to do, save that for when your married haha x

Stheno · 08-02-2011 11:13PM

Galvasean wrote: »

Well like I said, I'm not actively going for a 'type'. I don't spot a girl who looks emotionally messed up and decide, "that's what I want". That's the tricky thing, there is non way (that I know of) of telling who has emotional baggage from previous relationships until you actually get to know them.

There's not, but a few danger signs imo would be them prattling on about their last relationship, comparing you with them, playing games with replies/calls/texts etc.

As for casuality, I don't think meeting up twice in the space of a week is overbearing on my part (or is it?). I mean, I'm not one to profess my undying love for someone having known them for the best part of a very short time.

Depends tbh, three months in when neither of us had plans my current bf and I spent Christmas together, it was great and we are still together two years later. We agreed on no gifts, (though he bought me a massive box of chocolates and then was too shy to say they were for me lol

) spent a lovely quiet day together, had a great dinner, and a lovely walk, kinda like a long weekend away.

Maybe the girls you are meeting think you are a bit "full on" and don't like the thoughts of settling into a relationship?

If you are hitting the same barrier at the three month mark, that might be something to think about?

Deedsie · 09-02-2011 12:27PM

magneticimpulse wrote: »

No I was not counting people in the North because that is a different country...United Kingdom.

I knew it had gone up to 4 million or so mark. But I equally knew that about 100,000 people left last year...and I know all my cousins have left the country (about 60 of them last year)...Im also down on the census...but live in France. Most of the Polish went back to Poland. If every family has a similar ratio...then its prob back down to 3.5 million population.

Anyway thats another topic.

Someone mentioned island of Ireland. You excluded alot of people in one fell swoop. Just highlighting there are very eligible people throughout the island for the op. I went out with a girl from Derry. She was very nice...

I do agree, another topic. Incidentally, you will be off the census from April 11th.

Count Duckula · 09-02-2011 12:41PM

Deedsie wrote: »

Someone mentioned island of Ireland. You excluded alot of people in one fell swoop. Just highlighting there are very eligible people throughout the island for the op. I went out with a girl from Derry. She was very nice...

I do agree, another topic. Incidentally, you will be off the census from April 11th.

And really, in this day and age of easy travel, is it too ridiculous to look for people on other shores? I'm a Brit, but I'm in love with an Irish girl. I talk to her every day, and fly over to see her every few weeks (when I can afford it). Eventually I want to move out to Ireland, but until then I'm hardly suffering. Modern technology and cheap flights make it more than bearable.

If there really are that few women in Ireland (the whole geographical thing, politics aside) then cast your eyes further afield. There's at least one British woman free now I've taken an Irish woman instead

Also, I was going to mention that I know someone from university who has moved in with a girl from the North, showing that it happens more often than you'd think. She's from Derry, but she calls it Londonderry, and we call it Londonderry, but am I allowed to call it Londonderry on these boards? >_>

wireyj · 09-02-2011 12:43PM

tbh wrote: »

I used to be the same, particularly with one girl. I wasn't in a great place at the time and put all my eggs in her basket, if you'll pardon the expression. She blew hot and cold, when she flirted with me, I felt great, when she didn't, I felt terrible.
One day, I literally copped on that you have to take the rough with the smooth. If I don't get hyper when she gave me positive feedback, I don't get low when she gave me negative feedback. Coming to this conclusion led me to have a deeper appreciation of why I was acting the way I was with her - sending her texts etc. It wasn't necessarily because I thought she was the love of my life, I didn't really, it was more that I was after the "high" of having her give me positive feedback, and also of reassuring myself that I was in control of the situation - in other words, that I had the choice of whether I wanted to be with her or not.

so, my behaviour before was to give her an opportunity to make me feel good - which could go either way - I simply stopped doing that. I stopped texting her, forgoing the chance of a high from a postive reply so I could escape the low of a negative reply. IF she texted me, I'd be perfectly nice to her and all, but I stopped "fishing".

It worked, boy oh boy did it work! if this is the bit where you expect me to say she started chasing after me - she didn't. It never came to anything. but the fact that I was able to let it die a natural death left me open to being in another relationship - seven years on and I'm married with a child on the way.

two lessons i learned.

one, and probably the most important thing - if you seek to validate yourself through the reactions of others to you, you're always going to be a hostage to a bunch of stuff you have no control over.

two, She really could be hung up over her ex, or maybe she has a thing for guys who are shorter/taller/heavier/lighter/funnier than you. You shouldn't try to change to accomodate her any less than you should lie on your CV to get a job that doesn't suit you. Sometimes two people just don't click, and that's nobodys fault.

and sometimes, when she says "its not you, its me" - she means it.

,

Wow... Total honesty and its so true.

Deedsie · 09-02-2011 01:11PM

Count Duckula wrote: »

And really, in this day and age of easy travel, is it too ridiculous to look for people on other shores? I'm a Brit, but I'm in love with an Irish girl. I talk to her every day, and fly over to see her every few weeks (when I can afford it). Eventually I want to move out to Ireland, but until then I'm hardly suffering. Modern technology and cheap flights make it more than bearable.

If there really are that few women in Ireland (the whole geographical thing, politics aside) then cast your eyes further afield. There's at least one British woman free now I've taken an Irish woman instead

Also, I was going to mention that I know someone from university who has moved in with a girl from the North, showing that it happens more often than you'd think. She's from Derry, but she calls it Londonderry, and we call it Londonderry, but am I allowed to call it Londonderry on these boards? >_>

I agree with this. It's still officially Londonderry for now. The case for changing the name is with the privvy council or some such UK council. Not that I would ever refer to it as anything other than Derry. Anyway totally off topic, apologies.

Setun · 13-02-2011 08:56PM

Galvasean - it might help to remember this scene from Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid next time you feel you've been messed around

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wvl0iwp-_0

magneticimpulse · 13-02-2011 09:34PM

Deedsie wrote: »

I do agree, another topic. Incidentally, you will be off the census from April 11th.

Haha who knows...i plan to get my ass in gear finally finish this thesis and be back in Ireland by then...

Its true there are lots of nice girls...even in Dublin :eek:

magneticimpulse · 13-02-2011 09:37PM

Count Duckula wrote: »

If there really are that few women in Ireland (the whole geographical thing, politics aside) then cast your eyes further afield. There's at least one British woman free now I've taken an Irish woman instead

I find there are not that many available Irish men to date because they are all dating Eastern European women, or women in Northern Ireland...whatever about plenty of women in Ireland. What about plenty of men???

(i live in France but i want to find an Irish man as I would never date a french man..i have already had 5 relationships with guys back in Dublin, while i live here)

Getting jerked about by women

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