Getting jerked about by women

Galvasean

Looking for some feedback here:
It seems as if every seemingly nice woman I encounter has gotten themself so well and thoroughly effed up with 'emotional baggage' or 'issues' with an ex that they can't seem to function properly.

Example, I had been dating this girl for a little while. Everything going great. I really like her. She really likes me. Then one day, out of the blue she texts me (while I'm at work, yay!) with a message that starts with the line that can never end well; "Hey I have been thinking...". Basically she tells me that things 'are still complicated' with her and her ex and she needs to 'sort out whats going on with him'. Of course the whole thing is capped off with that beautiful sentiment, "My head is all over the place at the moment" :rolleyes:
Long story short, she can't see me (casual relationship that it was) because she has 'issues' with her ex, WTF?

Virtually the same thing happened with my last girlfriend too. Some BS about not wanting to get into another relationship (her last one ended 3 months before meeting me) as she felt she was 'getting too attached' to me.
Of course, she just had to throw in the ultimately patronizing cliché, "I hope we can still be friends" line. How's that going? Well we haven't met in person since and any time I tried to organize a mee tup I'd get fobbed off with increasingly lame duck excuses. Whatever about that. I'm straying a bit from the point now...

It seems to happen practically every time I get into a relationship (of sorts) with a woman. They all seem to have had some sort of traumatic previous relationship that has left them so emotionally crippled that they wont give a guy like me -who I might ad has done absolutely nothing to be consistently cast aside - a fair shot and let me go for some pathetic reason which has absolutely nothing to do with me.
But hey, I have a Y chromosome so it's not like jerking me around matters. I'm a freakin' caveman anyway. Not like I can get hurt right?

So basically what I'm looking to find out with this thread is am I just quite unlucky with this or is it commonplace?

I-Shot-Jr

Women are crazy psychopaths fuelled by hormones, emotion and drama.
My plan is to find one that isn't as bad as the rest and marry it.

Ickle Magoo

I always viewed the whole "me and the ex", "heads all over the place", etc stuff in much the same vein as "it's not you it's me", "I'm just out of a relationship and need some me time","It's getting serious too quickly", etc, etc and all the other clichéd attempts to spare feelings when ending a relationship or deciding a relationship has gone as far as it's going to - for a whole raft of reasons....I wouldn't assume it's because they actually have issues regarding their exes.

seenitall

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I always viewed the whole "me and the ex", "heads all over the place", etc stuff in much the same vein as "it's not you it's me", "I'm just out of a relationship and need some me time","It's getting serious too quickly", etc, etc and all the other clichéd attempts to spare feelings when ending a relationship or deciding a relationship has gone as far as it's going to - for a whole raft of reasons....I wouldn't assume it's because they actually have issues regarding their exes.

Exactly.

(I don't usually post in tGC, but I'll make an exception this time cos this is too much like a PI to pass by )

As Ickle Magoo said, if a girl likes you enough to date you and have fun with you etc, turning around at the point where it normally gets a bit more serious and claiming emotional baggage, unresolved past relationships and what not, sounds as sincere as "It's not you, it's me" and used for the same reason as well. If she really had had such unresolved ex issues, she wouldn't have started playing doctors and nurses with you at all.

No. My best guess is that you are probably a confident and generally personable guy (seen your pics on here), and therefore you find it easy enough to get with 'em, but that there is something about you that may scare women off when it comes to the crunch. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, it's really nothing but thinking aloud. Could it be that you are too confident for the likes of an average girl? When it comes to intimate relationships, confidence and emotional soundness can put the majority of people off pretty quickly, if we are talking relationships rather than just scoring. That's because most people (not all) carry around a lot of masked insecurities, which generally makes them want to get with someone who is even more insecure, so that they start feeling needed and validated in more immediate ways than they would with a naturally confident person. The solution for you (if this is the problem) would be either to stop caring, or start being more discerning in your choices.

That's based on my observations in life and may not apply to you at all, it's just the first thing that came into my head...

Anyway, best wishes for the future!

Mackman

Icky Magoo made a good point. Could just be an excuse.

But i have a nicer theory.

I think that most women, and men, have baggage. It comes with the territory. When ya get to the late 20's most people who are single will have had a relationship that didnt work for some reason and has issues becuse of it.

Now, here's the tricky bit. The goal is not to find someone who doesnt have baggage, its to find someone who doesnt bother you with their baggage. Or are emotionally mature enough to deal with it themselves and get over it.

sam34

I shot jr, cop on, this isn't AH. please read the charter before posting any further.

Retail Hell

your not as handsome, sexy, fit, rich,as good in bed as their Ex's,

Congrat's

tbh

Retail Hell wrote: »

your not as handsome, sexy, fit, rich,as good in bed as their Ex's,

Congrat's

don't post like this in here again.

It is quite common yes, and not just from women but men too.

The main cause of this I feel is that many people feel they need to be in a relationship… any relationship… rather than be in no relationship at all. This moves a lot of people to get into one with someone who is just not right for them, or at a time that is just not right for them.

Rather than get the right person, or get the timing right, they act like it is best to be in any relationship at all and work from there. The idea of being in no relationship for a period of time is simply terrifying to them… like the old dream people have of realising your are naked in a public place… it is as if not being in a relationship means you are somehow lacking.

The effect of this alas is that many good people who are in the right place… or think they have found a good person… get jerked around or dumped unceremoniously when the other realises that they moved too quickly and are not in the right relationship.

Another effect of this is that often people stay in relationships they are unhappy with, rather than be in no relationship. They simply refuse to leave person 1 until some person 2 comes along that they can leave person 1 for. Seemingly the idea of being single is more terrifying and depressing that staying with the person you are unhappy with.

Most of those things are excuses. I've tried them a couple of times, but most of the time they just make the guy more determined to 'fix me'. Now I've moved on to the more honest "You annoy me, go away" approach.

TouchingVirus

Deleted User wrote: »

Now I've moved on to the more honest...

This would be a whole lot simpler with a little honesty. There's no fixing an "I can't see this going anywhere, I'm done" and it's probably a whole lot less frustrating than using some sort of baggage to get out of a relationship.

minidazzler

In my own experience, everyone has baggage, absolutely everyone. Some people know how to handle it better than others. Some people like to just play the field, but don't like to be going out with a few people at a time so they casually date, as you were doing and when they see you are getting into it they cut it short before you get emotionally invested. It's a fair enough thing to do IMO, but invariably these things will end with half-arsed excuses and attempts at sparing feelings. I'm a rather direct person so I can't explain or rationalise why people would do that.

When anyone says "I hope we can still be friends", unless ye were dating for a LONG LONG time think 8 years rather than 8 weeks, or ye were good friends before hand, they don't mean they want to be friends, they generally mean, "don't think I'm a cnut" or "You're a nice guy but..."

TBH, I say just chalk it up to experience, you're young, plenty of time for that proper relationship lark, people will always give sh1tty excuses for things, but still the overriding message is that they aren't interested, there are literally 50 million women in the world you could be attracted to and get along with really well, and that's just those around the same age as you. Plenty more fish in the sea and all that.

Also, I don't think they are purposefully jerking you around, they probably just want to end it for whatever reason and take the road that is "less hurtful", though in reality there is no less hurtful, it's just a matter of onwards and upwards. Consider it one woman you know you wouldn't work well with.

Morag

Some people think they are ready to date and again and do so thinking they are in the all clear and then find they aren't as healed or as over the ex and the fall out from the last relationship they were in, as they tought they were, it happens.

metrovelvet

If it is an excuse like Ickle suggests, and it could be, why do you need to make something like that up?

You could just say ' this isnt working out for me' or 'i thought I was ready but I am not,' why spill stuff about ex boyfriends?

I do think though some people, maybe more than others, get back on the scene only to realise they cant manage it. And if it is true, Galvasean, not getting involved with you is actually being fair because when people havent cleansed their palette you could end up taking a lot of their crap that is meant for someone else. I remember saying to a man 'I dont know who you are talking to right now, but it's not me. This is meant for someone else." So while frustrating, its a good thing that they were self aware enough to nip earlier rather than later.

Galvasean

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I always viewed the whole "me and the ex", "heads all over the place", etc stuff in much the same vein as "it's not you it's me", "I'm just out of a relationship and need some me time","It's getting serious too quickly", etc, etc and all the other clichéd attempts to spare feelings when ending a relationship or deciding a relationship has gone as far as it's going to - for a whole raft of reasons....I wouldn't assume it's because they actually have issues regarding their exes.

That's probably the case alright. Thanks. That's exactly the kind of answer I needed to hear.

seenitall wrote: »

Could it be that you are too confident for the likes of an average girl? When it comes to intimate relationships, confidence and emotional soundness can put the majority of people off pretty quickly, if we are talking relationships rather than just scoring. That's because most people (not all) carry around a lot of masked insecurities, which generally makes them want to get with someone who is even more insecure, so that they start feeling needed and validated in more immediate ways than they would with a naturally confident person.

Well, I'm not a particularly confident person by any means. Quite the opposite actually. :pac:
edit: well, thats not exactly true... I'd be a bit more manic than that; fairly low on confidence by standard, easily boosted (by say getting a date with a nice girl), but also easily shattered (by say being let go).

Bottle_of_Smoke

TouchingVirus wrote: »

This would be a whole lot simpler with a little honesty. There's no fixing an "I can't see this going anywhere, I'm done" and it's probably a whole lot less frustrating than using some sort of baggage to get out of a relationship.

Completely true but easier said than done.

Ash.J.Williams

The 2 examples given in the op look like standard "dump" texts....

no baggage there i reckon, just an easy way out???

Galvasean

Yeah, I suppose it's much easier citing 'issues' or something than telling someone to their face that you aren't into them anymore.
Pity failed relationships don't come with feedback cards.

Mulan

As Ash.J.Williams says: standard dump texts!!!
Cheer up charlie, the sun comes out tomorrow!!!

who what when

Galvasean wrote: »

Yeah, I suppose it's much easier citing 'issues' or something than telling someone to their face that you aren't into them anymore.
Pity failed relationships don't come with feedback cards.

You know you could just ask! Not during the actual break-up obviously but let the dust settle and a couple of months later just ask them.
Dont see why they wouldnt tell you.

tbh

Galvasean wrote: »

:
edit: well, thats not exactly true... I'd be a bit more manic than that; fairly low on confidence by standard, easily boosted (by say getting a date with a nice girl), but also easily shattered (by say being let go).

I used to be the same, particularly with one girl. I wasn't in a great place at the time and put all my eggs in her basket, if you'll pardon the expression. She blew hot and cold, when she flirted with me, I felt great, when she didn't, I felt terrible.
One day, I literally copped on that you have to take the rough with the smooth. If I don't get hyper when she gave me positive feedback, I don't get low when she gave me negative feedback. Coming to this conclusion led me to have a deeper appreciation of why I was acting the way I was with her - sending her texts etc. It wasn't necessarily because I thought she was the love of my life, I didn't really, it was more that I was after the "high" of having her give me positive feedback, and also of reassuring myself that I was in control of the situation - in other words, that I had the choice of whether I wanted to be with her or not.

so, my behaviour before was to give her an opportunity to make me feel good - which could go either way - I simply stopped doing that. I stopped texting her, forgoing the chance of a high from a postive reply so I could escape the low of a negative reply. IF she texted me, I'd be perfectly nice to her and all, but I stopped "fishing".

It worked, boy oh boy did it work! if this is the bit where you expect me to say she started chasing after me - she didn't. It never came to anything. but the fact that I was able to let it die a natural death left me open to being in another relationship - seven years on and I'm married with a child on the way.

two lessons i learned.

one, and probably the most important thing - if you seek to validate yourself through the reactions of others to you, you're always going to be a hostage to a bunch of stuff you have no control over.

two, She really could be hung up over her ex, or maybe she has a thing for guys who are shorter/taller/heavier/lighter/funnier than you. You shouldn't try to change to accomodate her any less than you should lie on your CV to get a job that doesn't suit you. Sometimes two people just don't click, and that's nobodys fault.

and sometimes, when she says "its not you, its me" - she means it.

,

Count Duckula

You just need to keep trying. Maybe girls find it very easy to "like" you and get to a certain stage in the relationship, but there's too many differences between you to let it get any more serious.

All I'm saying is, perhaps you need to be a bit more picky with who you date, since it seems that you often get the girl and the girl you get may not be the right one.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Legend of a post tbh, so true it's crazy.

A great phrase I heard related to that is "Don't buy into their bullsh*t".

Some women sometimes like to play silly push/pull games, don't partake.

tbh

Cyrus Slow Reader wrote: »

Legend of a post tbh, so true it's crazy.

A great phrase I heard related to that is "Don't buy into their bullsh*t".

Some women sometimes like to play silly push/pull games, don't partake.

thanks SS, just one thing I'd disagree with you on - some people like to play silly push/pull games, it's by no means exclusive to women

Galvasean

Count Duckula wrote: »

You just need to keep trying. Maybe girls find it very easy to "like" you and get to a certain stage in the relationship, but there's too many differences between you to let it get any more serious

I think I suffer from the "Ah, he's so daft and funny, what a great guy!", followed by the 'Oh my god, hes actually like that all the time!".

Count Duckula wrote:

All I'm saying is, perhaps you need to be a bit more picky with who you date, since it seems that you often get the girl and the girl you get may not be the right one.

Ah well, can't know if you don't try 'em out. They all seem potentially 'right' and generally feel 'right', until they decide enough is enough at some point.

um7y1h83ge06nx

tbh wrote: »

thanks SS, just one thing I'd disagree with you on - some people like to play silly push/pull games, it's by no means exclusive to women

True actually.

liah

Sharrow wrote: »

Some people think they are ready to date and again and do so thinking they are in the all clear and then find they aren't as healed or as over the ex and the fall out from the last relationship they were in, as they tought they were, it happens.

This. I turned down a perfectly good guy who should, by all rights, be completely suited to me after going on a few dates because I thought I was well over the ex, and it turned out I wasn't. At all. It's funny, because normally I know myself very well and I wholly was not expecting it to creep up on me that way, especially after I thought I'd dealt with it.

It's not like I set out with the intent to lead him on or anything, my unreadiness just kind of snuck up on me and I felt like I couldn't do anything else but give a variation of the 'it's not you, it's me' speech which, albeit cliche, can actually be true, believe it or not, as it was in my case.

I think you're better off just not giving a crap why she says what she says, every single person's different and trying to interpret and figure out what it all meant after the fact is an exercise in nothing but frustration and futility. Just chalk it up to not being suited and on to the next.

Maguined

I generally view the whole "my head is all over the place/don't know how I feel" to be basically they are not that interested in you but they liked the attention you were giving them, so even though they knew they were know going to be wanting a proper relationship with you in the long run the good feeling they get out of being desired made them want it for a short while.

This does happen a lot because of an ex, a relationship ends but they are not really ready for a new one but at the same time they are still going through through the negative slump of a break up so the thrill of being pursued makes them feel infinitely better.

metrovelvet

liah wrote: »

This. I turned down a perfectly good guy who should, by all rights, be completely suited to me after going on a few dates because I thought I was well over the ex, and it turned out I wasn't. At all. It's funny, because normally I know myself very well and I wholly was not expecting it to creep up on me that way, especially after I thought I'd dealt with it.

It's not like I set out with the intent to lead him on or anything, my unreadiness just kind of snuck up on me and I felt like I couldn't do anything else but give a variation of the 'it's not you, it's me' speech which, albeit cliche, can actually be true, believe it or not, as it was in my case.

I think you're better off just not giving a crap why she says what she says, every single person's different and trying to interpret and figure out what it all meant after the fact is an exercise in nothing but frustration and futility. Just chalk it up to not being suited and on to the next.

Most definitely. Especially since half the time people really arent in touch with their own feelings.

Feeona

Those girls might have been telling white lies, Galvasean, or there might have been some truth to what they said. I met some truly great guys, but for some reason things weren't working out and I couldn't understand why. Naturally, I usually came to the conclusion that I wasn't ready to see/meet anyone, and for me that was true. I'd also wonder what was wrong with me that I didn't want to stay with such great guys! Your exes are probably thinking the same way

I'm with someone now, and things feel right. We are both on the same page. He went through a tough relationship before ours, and he came out of it knowing exactly what he wanted and how to get it. I came out of a few years of meeting men who didn't treat me the way I wanted to be treated, so I also knew exactly what I wanted. He gives me what I need, and I give him what he needs.

It's hard to get the balance right with relationships. One thing I will say is that you need to be sure that you're getting what you want from the relationship. It's all well and good being chivalrous, and only thinking of what she would like to do, but you have to look out for yourself too. Do things that make you happy, as well as making her happy.

Handsome Bob

Galva my friend I can sympathise. The only thing I can say is put this behind you and chalk it up as experience, then the next time you meet someone who is giving off the same vibes you'll be able to end it much quicker.

I think the main thing here is to walk tall, don't let it get to you.