Would it bother you if your boyfriend was really good friends with his ex-girlfriend?

Scarinae · 26-10-2010 11:50PM #1

My flatmate is really good friends with her ex-boyfriend, in fact they work in the same lab so they spend a lot of time together. It is several years since they broke up and both have seen other people since they were together - her last boyfriend didn't mind that they were good friends. She is currently single, and he has a girlfriend.

Last night she had to go to A&E, and her ex didn't want her to be there alone so he waited with her. It was quite late by the time she was seen, so he came back to stay at our flat.

I mentioned to her that I was very surprised to see him this morning, as I hadn't realised that he was here (and I had wandered bleary-eyed into the kitchen in my PJs with my hair all over the place

) She explained about going to A&E and how he'd stayed over because it was so late, fair enough. I was a bit puzzled as to where he'd slept, since we've already got someone staying on the sofa bed right now.

She just said that it was so late when they got back she didn't want him to have a crappy night's sleep on the sofa, so he slept in her bed with her. I was, well, a bit surprised - she didn't see a problem with it though, since nothing happened between them and they were just sleeping. I asked would his girlfriend not mind, and she said that they just weren't going to say anything to her. I can't help thinking that the fact they're not going to tell her means that they know that she'd mind.

So, would it bother you if you found out your boyfriend had shared a bed with his ex, even if it was totally innocent and they'd just been sleeping? Would it bother you if your boyfriend was good friends with an ex at all? I don't think being friends would bother me, or him accompanying her to hospital or whatever, but I'd be uneasy about any bed-sharing

Princess Peach · 27-10-2010 12:54AM

I wouldn't mind them being friends. Especially if they work together, it seems that would have been a very good reason for them to make the effort to stay friends. And I'm sure you could ask your boyfriend why they broke up, and why they are still friends, so you know you can trust him.

But I would have an issue with the bed sharing. I would be upset if my boyfriend shared a bed with any girl, but it would bother me more that it was his ex. I don't think not wanting him to have a bad night's sleep on the sofa is a good enough excuse. And if they aren't going to tell his girlfriend they must think it was a bit wrong too.

But I really don't mind boyfriends being friends with their ex's. If anything, I think its sort of a good thing. At least if they are still on friendly terms, you know nothing really bad happened during the breakup. Anyone I know who never talks to their ex, its generally because of a bad breakup. It gives me a little bit of hope that it might not end badly from his part. A little bit silly I know :P

Konata · 27-10-2010 01:24AM

Well it's all about trust isn't it? If you don't trust your boyfriend enough to be comfortable with him being friends with his ex, then I think that's something that needs to be looked at in a relationship.

That said, all the trust in the world wouldn't stop me being a bit upset if I found out my boyfriend had been sharing a bed with any other girl really. I'd still trust him, and believe him if he says it was innocent, but I think it's female or, even human, nature to feel threathened or self conscious about incidents like that.

sesna · 27-10-2010 01:34AM

Hotaru wrote: »

That said, all the trust in the world wouldn't stop me being a bit upset if I found out my boyfriend had been sharing a bed with any other girl really.

I think it's okay, once one of them is sleeping inverted.

Konata · 27-10-2010 01:39AM

sesna wrote: »

I think it's okay, once one of them is sleeping inverted.

That wouldn't stop some people :P

>_>

Princess Peach · 27-10-2010 01:39AM

sesna wrote: »

I think it's okay, once one of them is sleeping inverted.

Lets hope neither of them have a foot fetish

mojesius · 27-10-2010 02:04AM

Sharing a bed is completely wrong. End of story. The friend aspect is a little greyer. Your friend's work situation sort of dictates that she maintains a level of friendship with the ex, there's nothing really the girlfriend can do about that.

The way I see it with exes is quite simple. Were they friends before they started going out with each other or not? They may have the same circle of friends and compromises will need to be made. However, if the answer is no, then the people involved need to be completely honest with themselves. Why are they continuing this failed relationship under different terms? Personally, I see it as nothing more than an insurance policy, a back up card in case they feel lonely or things don't work out with a new boyfriend or girlfriend.

I had major issues with my (now ex) boyfriend's ex girlfriend, let's call her 'Anne'. Anne kept trying to call him at ridiculous hours crying or she'd text him numerous times during the day. It went on for months. He told me he wasn't contacting her back, but I knew that he had to be reciprocating communication for her to behave like this. I told him how much it bothered me but he told me he wasn't interested in her like that. One day (she called the night before) he sent me a text just after I'd left his place to go to work, saying 'How's Anne today?'. I replied 'wrong phone number buddy' and didn't speak to him for weeks.

Then I gave him an ultimateum. Either maintain this 'friendship' with Anne or it's over, because my trust in him was shot at that point. I asked him why he was friends with her, things had ended horribly between them and they were never friends beforehand. It was simple, he was keeping her on the long finger, as she was with him. He stopped all contact with her and all was fine.

I email him maybe three times a year now, that's it. No meet ups, no coffees, nothing. It's not fair on my new boyfriend and it's pointless.

candy-gal1 · 27-10-2010 09:40AM

mojesius wrote: »

Sharing a bed is completely wrong. End of story. The friend aspect is a little greyer. Your friend's work situation sort of dictates that she maintains a level of friendship with the ex, there's nothing really the girlfriend can do about that.

The way I see it with exes is quite simple. Were they friends before they started going out with each other or not? They may have the same circle of friends and compromises will need to be made. However, if the answer is no, then the people involved need to be completely honest with themselves. Why are they continuing this failed relationship under different terms? Personally, I see it as nothing more than an insurance policy, a back up card in case they feel lonely or things don't work out with a new boyfriend or girlfriend.

I had major issues with my (now ex) boyfriend's ex girlfriend, let's call her 'Anne'. Anne kept trying to call him at ridiculous hours crying or she'd text him numerous times during the day. It went on for months. He told me he wasn't contacting her back, but I knew that he had to be reciprocating communication for her to behave like this. I told him how much it bothered me but he told me he wasn't interested in her like that. One day (she called the night before) he sent me a text just after I'd left his place to go to work, saying 'How's Anne today?'. I replied 'wrong phone number buddy' and didn't speak to him for weeks.

Then I gave him an ultimateum. Either maintain this 'friendship' with Anne or it's over, because my trust in him was shot at that point. I asked him why he was friends with her, things had ended horribly between them and they were never friends beforehand. It was simple, he was keeping her on the long finger, as she was with him. He stopped all contact with her and all was fine.

I email him maybe three times a year now, that's it. No meet ups, no coffees, nothing. It's not fair on my new boyfriend and it's pointless.

Couldnt agree more with you to be totally honest!

Was great to hear of a girl thinking the same as myself in this situation. Why would you be friends with an ex unless your either not over (which then you shouldnt be starting up with someone else seriously) or you have them as a backup plan of some sort. its simple as if you ask me.

As for sleeping together, eh no!! Do you not have a bed of your own?! if your going to share a bed with an ex, or anyone of the opposite sex, when your with someone else then it can be construed as cheating (emotionally or physically).

Iago · 27-10-2010 09:50AM

candy-gal1 wrote: »

Couldnt agree more with you to be totally honest! Was great to hear of a girl thinking the same as myself in this situation. Why would you be friends with an ex unless your either not over (which then you shouldnt be starting up with someone else seriously) or you have them as a backup plan of some sort. its simple as if you ask me.

As for sleeping together, eh no!! Do you not have a bed of your own?! if your going to share a bed with an ex, or anyone of the opposite sex, when your with someone else then it can be construed as cheating (emotionally or physically).

because you get on well with them? because despite you not being good as a couple you have a laugh together? because a relationship that lasts a few years doesn't one day go POP and everything that you've shared and experienced together disappears with it?

Being friends with exes is not a problem and in fact it shows good judgement in that there is still a friendship left when there's no physical/emotional relationship anymore.

Sleeping in the same bed is a completely different kettle of fish and is not something that is easily explained away imo

hobochris · 27-10-2010 09:54AM

I would not be surprised if something is still going on between the two.. given their history, I'd say it is very unlikely that something didn't happen.

Ruby-J · 27-10-2010 10:07AM

I am friends with my ex. It ended amicably between us but by no means would we share a bed. Thats just not on especially if there is another girlfriend or boyfriend involved and it seriously shows theres a line that has been crossed.

We remain good friends and chat every few days, but its platonic and we have seen each other date other people etc and are fine with it. I think theres being friends with your ex and theres being "friends" with your ex. Personally i think when you get involved with someone else and the ex is a friend it depends on how serious things get with the new relationship and how they feel about you being mates with the ex. After all, there is a reason your ex is an ex and if you are not prepared to let them go for something that could potentially be something real with someone else then i think there is a problem. That is something i always keep in mind and me and the ex have spoken about it that if either of us are faced with that decision its only fair that we cut contact. He was dating a girl previously who couldnt bare us being friends so i backed off on our contact. Now im seeing someone and its going well but like that i asked him how he felt about me being friends with an ex and he is fine with it as he said he is friends with one or two of his exs because of common interests and hobbies that they still bump into each other which is fair enough and understandable. So i think its all about trust and also knowing how you feel inside about your ex and that they are your past end of.

Asphyxia · 27-10-2010 10:08AM

Nah! It wouldn't bother me if it was just hanging out or having a drink, I wouldn't even mind them crashing at the house on the sofa or spare room but sharing a bed :eek: Hell No! That is crossing the line big time. It seems that there might be more going on with them.

Nervous Wreck · 27-10-2010 10:28AM

Agree with a lot of you. I don't see the problem with someone being friends with their ex (hell, I'm friends with one of my exes). If you get along with someone well enough to be in a relationship with someone for years, you obviously like them as a person. Provided it was an amicable break-up, why bother to cut contact? I'm still friends with my ex cos we always had stuff in common, had a laugh together and had a lot to chat about. There are very few people I can genuinely say the same about so I'm not about to cut contact with her just cos we used to date.

As for sharing a bed though, that defo comes down to situation. If we were snowed in and there was only one bed, I doubt either of us would have a problem sharing and I don't see why it would be a big deal. If, however, I had a girlfriend, I'd be plopping myself squarely on the floor. It's not about cheating and it's not about trust. It's about having respect for your gf/bf/whatever. If I thought "hmmm, I don't think my gf would like me doing this," I'd just avoid doing it. It can be as innocent as ye like (and it would be), but having respect for your OH is a lot more important than a comfortable sleep. I can guarantee that if I disrespected a partner by sleeping beside an ex, I'd have plenty of sleepless nights in the wake of it!

Truley · 27-10-2010 11:12AM

Even if they didn't do anything incriminating. The thought of him blatantly doing it behind my back and of other people knowing (and inevitably talking/laughing about it) is pretty humiliating. It also puts you in an extremely awkward position if you find out, as you will then know that a) he lied to you b) broke a pretty huge relationship taboo by anyone's standard c) actually willingly chose to do it despite so many alternatives.

'If you loved me you'd trust me' is a very common cop out for getting away with that sort of behaviour. I don't think I would be too happy about it.

Maple · 27-10-2010 11:19AM

When in a relationship and faced with a situation were the lines of right and wrong are not clear cut and easily defined, I always ask myself "how would I feel if my boyfriend was doing this". If the answer is yes I'd be ok, then I do it and if the answer is no I'd be raging then I don't. It's about respect for my boyfriend.

You should be able to stand by your actions and if you have a situation whereby you're omitting details of a story, well that's just shady and you know it.

As for the friends with exes, I think it can only be judged on a case by case basis. And again it's about respect for your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Malari · 27-10-2010 11:34AM

Maybe it's hard for me to imagine it because I am not friends with any of my exes, but I wouldn't really like it if my boyfriend was. But luckily he's not in touch with anyone either.

I find it difficult to defend my position because people always accuse me of being jealous, lacking trust, being controlling, but it's something I had from when I was a small child. I absoutely HATED when my parents talked about their lives before each other. I remember having a hissy fit at one point when my dad started a story by saying "I once went out with a girl..." :eek::rolleyes:

I don't know what it is! It's not jealousy, it's not a fear of rejection. My parents always had a very stable, loving relationship and still do. I think it's just that I don't like to think about they way people lived before I was around. Cripes, that makes me sound very self-centred

I'm not really! And I'm perfectly secure in my relationship with my boyfriend. In fact, he is very good friends with another girl and it doesn't bother me at all.

pollypocket10 · 27-10-2010 11:44AM

Being honest I don't get this whole being friends with an ex thing. You had feelings for each other, it didn't work out so why not just let it go? Personally, I don't believe that it can be purely platonic, one party will always harbor feelings. The past is the past for a reason so I don't see the point in trying to drag it out.

Being honest aside from sleeping in the same bed, the fact that they are colluding together to keep something from the gf is totally wrong and a huge betrayal.

Even the staying by her side at a&e doesn't sit well, my partner has done this with me and being honest I would not be happy if he's feelings were so strong for another woman that he would do the same, well a family member ok but certainly not a "friend".

I'm all for staying civil, chatting when u bump into each other or at work and what have you but I don't this level of relationship is appropriate.

candy-gal1 · 27-10-2010 11:59AM

Iago wrote: »

because you get on well with them? because despite you not being good as a couple you have a laugh together? because a relationship that lasts a few years doesn't one day go POP and everything that you've shared and experienced together disappears with it?

Being friends with exes is not a problem and in fact it shows good judgement in that there is still a friendship left when there's no physical/emotional relationship anymore.

Sleeping in the same bed is a completely different kettle of fish and is not something that is easily explained away imo

Because, again, it was in the past, leave it there. they are an ex for a reason and playing up the friendship card is, imho, just another way of keeping them at hand "just in case".

If you are not with someone then its entirely your choice what you do with exes and the like, but out of respect for your BF/GF you should cut all contact with exes.

jokettle · 27-10-2010 12:01PM

My boyfriend is good friends with an ex and they also work together. They meet for drinks, go to lunch and text each other regularly.

It's not something that bothers me because they both admit that their past relationship was far from a good match and there was very little emotional involvment, beyond that of friendship and affection. I get on quite well with this girl too, and even if my boyfriend didn't work with her right now I'd understand maintaining the friendship because she can be great fun!

However, if he shared a bed with her while in a relationship with me he'd at best be in the doghouse and at worst be out on his ear. Sleep on the floor or something if the couch isn't available. The fact that nothing happened doesn't matter; that's just not something you do. Even the thought that he could have just put his arm around her while sleeping is an image that would cause a lot of hurt, no matter how innocent/uniintentional/unconscious it may be!

I think Nervous Wreck it the nail on the head with his comments about respect for your current partner. I'd never dream of sharing a bed with another guy, ex or not, because I have too much respect for my boyfriend's feelings. It's not too much to expect the same levels of respect in return.

27-10-2010 12:06PM

I wouldn't mind at all. However, my ex; with whom I was in a relationship for 2 years with, isn't allowed to talk to me because her fella said she couldn't. Yet when we were together, I wanted her to be in contact with her ex because he had been an important part of her life at some stage and there's no point in trying to deny that.

pollypocket10 · 27-10-2010 12:55PM

Deleted User wrote: »

I wouldn't mind at all. However, my ex; with whom I was in a relationship for 2 years with, isn't allowed to talk to me because her fella said she couldn't. Yet when we were together, I wanted her to be in contact with her ex because he had been an important part of her life at some stage and there's no point in trying to deny that.

My 6th class teacher was an important part of my life at some stage, my best friend in secondary school was an important part of my life at the time but we haven't seen each other in close to a decade.

Life moves on and things change, an inability to let go is unhealthy imho. Priorities will constantly change and when in a relationship I think your priority should no longer be keeping on a friendship with your ex.

jokettle · 27-10-2010 01:17PM

Deleted User wrote: »

I wouldn't mind at all. However, my ex; with whom I was in a relationship for 2 years with, isn't allowed to talk to me because her fella said she couldn't. Yet when we were together, I wanted her to be in contact with her ex because he had been an important part of her life at some stage and there's no point in trying to deny that.

I apologise for going completely off-topic, but every time I see one of your posts, no matter what the content, I giggle

your username is amazing!

Aaaaaand back on topic: sounds like your ex's new guy has some serious trust issues if she's not allowed even to talk to you.

I do understand what a lot of people here are saying about letting the relationship go if it didn't work out, but if you spent a significant part of your life with someone and it didn't end horribly then I see no reason why you can't at least try to stay friends. I've never experienced a situation where one person still harboured feelings for the other though, so maybe I'm being naive. I'd like to hope not...

27-10-2010 01:39PM

pollypocket10 wrote: »

My 6th class teacher was an important part of my life at some stage, my best friend in secondary school was an important part of my life at the time but we haven't seen each other in close to a decade.

Life moves on and things change, an inability to let go is unhealthy imho. Priorities will constantly change and when in a relationship I think your priority should no longer be keeping on a friendship with your ex.

I agree somewhat, but I won't be the person to force them to stop being friends with their ex; it has to be their choice.

jokettle wrote: »

I apologise for going completely off-topic, but every time I see one of your posts, no matter what the content, I giggle your username is amazing!

Thank you. Thank you. I'd like to thank God. And Jesus. And so on and so forth.

rannerap · 27-10-2010 01:43PM

The friends thing wouldnt bother me, I still talk to one of my ex's occasionally. But sharing a bed seems a bit much. I would not be happy if my bf shared a bed with his ex the same way I would never do it to him. its nothing to do with trust its just you should have more respect for who you are going out with

azwethinkweiz · 27-10-2010 02:06PM

Being friends is one thing, its nice to be civil with your exes instead of letting the reason you broke up make you stay angry at them forever. However, sleeping in the same bed is just not cool. Just so NOT cool. I dread to think the kinda hissy fit I'd have about something like that :rolleyes:. I'd be very very upset about it and i think what someone said earlier about having respect for your other half is exactly right!

I'm in a situation myself that I've never been in before, a guy broke up with me 2 months ago (there were a lot of little arguments the last year), we were together for 4 years and we currently work together... its a very awkward situation, not really sure what to do or how to act around him. I tried to be "friendly" and civil with him but felt like I was the only one making the effort to do this so I backed off, He ignores me most of the time now anyway so i've been ignoring him too. Suppose its up to him now if he wants to keep up a friendship! But i assure you I shan't be sleeping in any bed with him ever again no matter what the circumstances are lol!!

Iago · 27-10-2010 03:03PM

candy-gal1 wrote: »

Because, again, it was in the past, leave it there. they are an ex for a reason and playing up the friendship card is, imho, just another way of keeping them at hand "just in case".

If you are not with someone then its entirely your choice what you do with exes and the like, but out of respect for your BF/GF you should cut all contact with exes.

The relationship and the associated feelings are in the past. The friendship can continue into the present and through to the future. There are a lot of reasons why somebody becomes an ex, and only some of them are down to that person as an individual.

I think your view is quite blinkered to be honest, if you have been with someone for a long time then you develop a significant friendship with them, much as you would with any friend of the same sex that you spend a lot of time with. It's entirely natural for that friendship to survive a break-up, especially if it's cordial and something that has just come to the end of the road. In fact a lot of relationships end simply because both people in them realise that they have become really good friends as opposed to lovers.

Out of respect for your current partner you should absolutely inform them that you are still in contact with your exes and you should never do anything that breaks that respect or boundary, but cutting off contact is beyond extreme in my opinion.

Wibbs · 27-10-2010 03:13PM

For me it depends entirely on the nature of the contact and how and why they split up. Real long termer that mutually just ran out of steam, then no worries, or a short term fling thing that was going nowhere, ditto. As far as the nature of it, if they're in daily kinda contact then I think it's a bit dubious to say the least. If they're in contact and the current partner isn't aware by how much that's really dubious. That actually would be a litmus test for me. If your current partner found out how much and what kind of contact was going on, would this be a problem? If so it is a problem.

RacoonQueen · 27-10-2010 04:48PM

Jesus, I make a rubbish, uncaring girlfriend but I'd be devastated if I was with someone who shared a bed with an ex.

Audie · 27-10-2010 06:29PM

My boyfriend used to be good friends with an ex. Well, they never properly went out but they did stuff and he was in love with her for years - I almost though that was worse, because he might always pine for what might have been? Maybe I don't understand it as I have never ever been friends with an ex!!

Im really trusting of my boyfriend, this is the only thing that gets me. They used to have late night phone calls and skype chats that I only heard about later! He was talking about going to stay with her as she lives abroad, and invited me. But to be honest, 2 years down the line I don't think I would mind him going over that much (the fact that she has a long term partner helps!)

Sharing a bed, in my eyes, would be a massive no-no!

Pebbles! · 27-10-2010 07:45PM

No I could not handle that if it happened to me! The only girls bed my boyfriend should sleep in is mine!...Let alone an ex! :eek: Fair enough being friends with an ex, some people manage a perfectly fine friendship but sharing a bed, innocent or not should not happen. No matter, how much trust in in a relationship if your boyfriend came home and said he stayed in his ex girlfriends bed and nothing happened would be really hard to believe knowing that they used to share a bed, he used to love her, used to sleep with her....No thanks! I personally wouldn't like my boyfriend to be spending lots of time with his ex girlfriend, fair enough is this situation they work together and there is nothing they can do about it but it would probably get to me if there were best friends!!

Every situation is different thou, it depends how long their broken up and how it ended etc. The Fact that he won't tell his girlfriend shows that he knows he shouldn't stayed there. No matter how late it was he should have still had the cop on to go home to his own house, I don't think it thinks too much for his girlfriend.

bills · 27-10-2010 07:54PM

Staying in contact & still friends with an ex- i would not mind.
Sharing a bed- i would definetely mind!!!
You would have to be very trusting to believe nothing happened & there would always be doubt in my mind. Its not very respectful of the boyfriend either. He obviously is not considering his girlfriends feelings.

Would it bother you if your boyfriend was really good friends with his ex-girlfriend?

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