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Jokes thread

24

Comments

  • #32
    starbelgrade
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,739 ✭✭✭✭starbelgrade


    What do you say to your adopted African child if you want them to eat up their dinner?

    'There are people starving in Africa right now, like your parents'


  • #33
    Sam Vimes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,611 ✭✭✭✭Sam Vimes


    What has eight legs and makes women cry? Gang rape


  • #34
    Sam Vimes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,611 ✭✭✭✭Sam Vimes


    What's the number one cause of paedophilia? Sexy kids


  • #35
    starbelgrade
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,739 ✭✭✭✭starbelgrade


    A headline in the paper, after the death of Saddam Hussein, read: 'Tyrant is hanged'. My auntie looked at the newspaper and said, 'Who's going to present Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? now'


  • #36
    Twilightning
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,901 ✭✭✭Twilightning


    starbelgrade wrote: »
    What do you say to your adopted African child if you want them to eat up their dinner?

    'There are people starving in Africa right now, like your parents'

    That's ****ing terrible :pac:


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  • #37
    Sam Vimes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,611 ✭✭✭✭Sam Vimes


    When Obama said to flush the Taliban out of Pakistan I don't think that's what he meant


  • #38
    starbelgrade
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,739 ✭✭✭✭starbelgrade


    My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first.


  • #39
    mfceiling
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,003 ✭✭✭✭mfceiling


    Me coming into house from work - What's that smell?

    Missus - I can't smell anything

    Me - Exactly, get that fúcking dinner on........


  • #40
    Twilightning
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,901 ✭✭✭Twilightning


    What do you get when you put a dead baby in a blender?

    An erection.


  • #41
    Sam Vimes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,611 ✭✭✭✭Sam Vimes


    What happens when you put a baby in a microwave?

    I don't know I was too busy masturbating


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  • #42
    Klingon Hamlet
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,758 ✭✭✭Klingon Hamlet


    Why did the chicken kill itself?

    To get to the Other Side.

    (Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.)


  • #43
    OutlawPete
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,689 ✭✭✭✭OutlawPete


    What's the difference between Marmalade and Jam?
    I can't marmalade my cock up your arse.


  • #44
    winston82
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,052 ✭✭✭winston82


    Why does snoop dogg carry around an umberella?

    For the drizzle...

    manizzle


  • #45
    Drumpot
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,306 ✭✭✭✭Drumpot


    to-make-a-short-story-long-woman-talk-just-a-joke-demotivational-poster-1278522561.jpg


  • #46
    starbelgrade
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,739 ✭✭✭✭starbelgrade


    Soldier "Doctor - I can't feel my legs"

    Doctor "You're legs are fine - they weren't damaged in the explosion"

    Soldier "You're just saying that to make me feel better, aren't you?"

    Doctor "No - you can't feel them because both your arms were blown off"


  • #47
    Twilightning
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,901 ✭✭✭Twilightning


    What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

    You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.


  • #48
    MIRMIR82
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 658 ✭✭✭MIRMIR82


    woman decides to spice up her sex life ..so she buys a crotchless knickers.
    she waits in her sitting-room for her OH to come home.
    OH walks in and points and says: WTF is that.
    She says: i bought a crotchless knickers for you.
    He says: THANK FCUK - I thought the couch burst.:D


  • #49
    KeithM89_old
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,806 ✭✭✭✭KeithM89_old


    How do you stop a gang rape?

    Throw in a basketball.


  • #50
    eimearcmh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 599 ✭✭✭eimearcmh


    Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
    A. You did not hold the pillow down long enough:D


  • #51
    Twilightning
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,901 ✭✭✭Twilightning


    What's worse than 10 dead babies in 1 bin?

    1 dead baby in 10 bins.


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  • #52
    starbelgrade
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,739 ✭✭✭✭starbelgrade


    Who are the most decent people in the hospital?

    The ultrasound people.


  • #53
    Oranage2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,129 ✭✭✭✭Oranage2


    A guy walks into a shop and asks for a kit kat chunky , the girl gets him a kit kat chunkie, the guy turns around and says " I just wanted a kit kat you fat cnut".


  • #54
    Irish Guitarist
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,736 ✭✭✭Irish Guitarist


    What would you find in an elfs condom?

    Fairy liquid.


  • #55
    starbelgrade
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,739 ✭✭✭✭starbelgrade


    Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs.

    You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.


  • #56
    KeithM89_old
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,806 ✭✭✭✭KeithM89_old


    starbelgrade wrote: »
    Who are the most decent people in the hospital?

    The ultrasound people.

    What about the hip-replacement guy?? :D



    /robbed from someone else


  • #57
    starbelgrade
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,739 ✭✭✭✭starbelgrade


    Every now & again, you have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested.

    One time a girlfriend asked me: "What's my favourite flower?" and I stupidly replied, "Eh... Self-raising?"


  • #58
    kc87
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 83 ✭✭kc87


    two blondes walk into a building.

    ya'd think one of them wudve seen it.


  • #59
    starbelgrade
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,739 ✭✭✭✭starbelgrade


    Guranteed way to feel really good looking; Go shopping at Lidl.


  • #60
    starbelgrade
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,739 ✭✭✭✭starbelgrade


    How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb?

    Just Bono... he holds it and the world revolves around him.


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  • #61
    KeithM89_old
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,806 ✭✭✭✭KeithM89_old


    Did you hear about the mathematician with constipation?
    He worked it out with a pencil


This discussion has been closed.
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