Jokes thread

BOHtox

The police called to the door with my girlfriend and say......

It looks like your girlfriend has just been in a carcrash.........

I said ye I know, but she has a real good personality.

Dman001

*Cough*

starbelgrade

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

Donkey Oaty

Because it saw the salad dressing.

easyeason3

This thread is a joke.


/gets coat

Oranage2

A blonde jumps off a bridge - She had depression

BOHtox

A German walks into a bar.......................
He's an alcoholic and it's ruining his family

starbelgrade

Why do women get periods?

Because they deserve them.

galwayrush

Why did the thread cross the boards?
To get to the Humour section........:D

Donkey Oaty

starbelgrade wrote: »

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

Answer honestly: have you ever told that joke on a stage?

starbelgrade

The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

last name ever. first name greatest

Black people.

lol etc

bonerm

There were these two fellas standing on a bridge, going to the bathroom. One fella said, "The water's cold" and the other fella said, "The water's deep". I believe one fella come from Arkansas. Get it?

Donkey Oaty

starbelgrade wrote: »

The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent.

It's to stop them rolling out of bed.

Donkey Oaty

bonerm wrote: »

There were these two fellas standing on a bridge, going to the bathroom. One fella said, "The water's cold" and the other fella said, "The water's deep". I believe one fella come from Arkansas. Get it?

Bill Clinton has a very long penis and he stands on a bridge to wee?

Fizman

galwayrush wrote: »

Why did the thread cross the boards?
To get to the Humour section........:D

You've been waiting since January 2006 to post that haven't you?

galwayrush

Donkey Oaty wrote: »

It's to stop them rolling out of bed.

No, it's to stop them dripping on their feet.

starbelgrade

I wonder what would happen if Franz Ferdinand were assassinated?

Brendog

Oranage2 wrote: »

A blonde jumps off a bridge - She had depression

she should've been in the kitchen etc. etc.

starbelgrade

My missus gave me a list of things to do around the house, so while she was out I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.

Had to get an even-man in to finish it off.

Kasabian

starbelgrade wrote: »

I wonder what would happen if Franz Ferdinand were assassinated?

Too late some of their music is already out there

Twilightning

What's a woman's point of view?

The kitchen window.

MIRMIR82

Woman answers phone and hears heavy breathing on the line, eventually a voice says: have you got a sweaty cnut?
she replies: yes he's on the couch will i get him for you?....
:pac:

starbelgrade

They say being a hostage is difficult. But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

RayM

Why does Noddy have a bell on the end of his hat?

Because he's a cunt.

Donkey Oaty

Comments? Be the first to post a comment.

Twilightning

What do scangers use as protection?

Bus shelters

TanG411

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian replies, 'F*ck off, you won't bring it back'.

Donkey Oaty

Is it possible for a thread to have more posters than views?

hamchops

why do travellers smell? so the blind can hate them 2:pac:

Kasabian

Old drunk sitting on a park bench . He is joined by a punk with full multicoloured mohikan. Old drunk starts looking the punk up and down and staring at his hair . This goes on for a few minutes and the punk is getting annoyed and turns and asks the old man what he is looking at .

It's ok son says the old drunk , I was so drunk one night I think I fcuked a peacock I was just checking to see if you had my eyes.

starbelgrade

What do you say to your adopted African child if you want them to eat up their dinner?

'There are people starving in Africa right now, like your parents'

Sam Vimes

What has eight legs and makes women cry? Gang rape

Sam Vimes

What's the number one cause of paedophilia? Sexy kids

starbelgrade

A headline in the paper, after the death of Saddam Hussein, read: 'Tyrant is hanged'. My auntie looked at the newspaper and said, 'Who's going to present Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? now'

Twilightning

starbelgrade wrote: »

What do you say to your adopted African child if you want them to eat up their dinner?

'There are people starving in Africa right now, like your parents'

That's ****ing terrible :pac:

Sam Vimes

When Obama said to flush the Taliban out of Pakistan I don't think that's what he meant

starbelgrade

My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first.

mfceiling

Me coming into house from work - What's that smell?

Missus - I can't smell anything

Me - Exactly, get that fúcking dinner on........

Twilightning

What do you get when you put a dead baby in a blender?

An erection.

Sam Vimes

What happens when you put a baby in a microwave?

I don't know I was too busy masturbating

Klingon Hamlet

Why did the chicken kill itself?

To get to the Other Side.

(Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.)

OutlawPete

What's the difference between Marmalade and Jam?

I can't marmalade my cock up your arse.

winston82

Why does snoop dogg carry around an umberella?

For the drizzle...

manizzle

Drumpot

starbelgrade

Soldier "Doctor - I can't feel my legs"

Doctor "You're legs are fine - they weren't damaged in the explosion"

Soldier "You're just saying that to make me feel better, aren't you?"

Doctor "No - you can't feel them because both your arms were blown off"

Twilightning

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

MIRMIR82

woman decides to spice up her sex life ..so she buys a crotchless knickers.
she waits in her sitting-room for her OH to come home.
OH walks in and points and says: WTF is that.
She says: i bought a crotchless knickers for you.
He says: THANK FCUK - I thought the couch burst.:D

KeithM89_old

How do you stop a gang rape?

Throw in a basketball.

eimearcmh

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You did not hold the pillow down long enough:D

Twilightning

What's worse than 10 dead babies in 1 bin?

1 dead baby in 10 bins.