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Your girlfriend being friends with you friends... what do you really think?

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  • 11-06-2010 8:39pm
    #1
    SarahMs
    Closed Accounts Posts: 205 ✭✭


    So it is an on going argument between my friends and I, who are all from and living in Dublin, while I am between Dublin and Monaghan, about being friends with your boyfriends friends.

    Is it ok that your girl friend hangs out with your friends when you are not there?
    Can she have their numbers?
    Do you like that your girlfriend can get on with your friends?
    Have you ever had any suspicions?

    I am friends with my OH friends, we would see eachother when he is working or out somewhere else etc, often its in the pub or if they called up to the house and he wasn't there they would still come in for tea/coffee etc. I get along really well with them and they have all made a huge effort because I was new to the town etc.

    But my Dublin friends, said all that is too far. Interested in opinions from men though!


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    #2
    Khannie
    Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 37,485 Mod ✭✭✭✭Khannie


    Depends what your fella thinks really. If you didn't know them at all before I'd say it's a *little* bit much. That's just me though.


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    #3
    PK2008
    Registered Users Posts: 2,219 ✭✭✭PK2008


    In an ideal world it shouldnt be an issue but we dont live in an ideal world.

    Sounds a little dodgy to me, could be innocent and all but still could be asking for trouble


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    #4
    Michellenman
    Registered Users Posts: 11,195 ✭✭✭✭Michellenman


    How would you feel if the roles were reversed and it was him visiting your friends? That's a genuine question by the way, not trying to pick at you :)

    If it was me, I'd be ok with it if I knew his friends beforehand or if we were from the same group of friends. I'd find it a little odd if he'd never known my friends before our relationship but hung out with them when I wasn't there. Not suspicious of jealous... just think it would be a bit odd.

    In saying that, I'd think it was odd if I hung out with his friends when he wasn't there too.


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    #5
    SarahMs
    Closed Accounts Posts: 205 ✭✭SarahMs


    I would honestly have no prob with it, I mean personally I think its great that friends and bfs/gfs can get along

    i think alot of it is down to trust though, although saying all this, it is a small and slightly loola town so maybe its just a town thing or maybe its an age thing like they are all 10+ years older then me


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    #6
    Smyth
    Registered Users Posts: 714 ✭✭✭Smyth


    I find it weird. Dont think it has ANYTHING to do with security.

    What happens when theres a breakup?

    Nah. I keep them sepatate and always will.


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    #7
    teaholic
    Registered Users Posts: 215 ✭✭teaholic


    I dont think its weird, if you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone you should be able to spend time with your partners friends as your friends.

    If I had been friends with my ex's friends maybe one of them would have told me he was cheating on me or a least hinted towards it instead of it going on for months.


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    #8
    some_dose
    Registered Users Posts: 587 ✭✭✭some_dose


    My girlfriend is good friends with my friends. Trust her and them completely. If you can't trust you other half around your friends then you either need a new other half or new friends


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    #9
    Mrmoe
    Registered Users Posts: 2,212 ✭✭✭Mrmoe


    I think each situation is different and depending on how long you know them. If you are going out a long time then it is reasonable enough that they become your friends too. There is nothing wrong with calling around for a cup of tea and staying even if your OH is no there. I would not matter to me either way.


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    #10
    Tar.Aldarion
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,086 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tar.Aldarion


    Yeah tis grand, my friends tend to be nicer than gf's friends anyway. :p
    If she cheats or anything she doesn't deserve you anyway, aaannd you weed out a bad friend *dusts hands*


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    #11
    Snowie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,048 ✭✭✭✭Snowie


    What the hells she gonna talk to them about, none of my friends text its always a phone call.. I wouldnt really care to be honest I know i can trust my friends, my aquantinsies thats different.


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    #12
    LD 50
    Registered Users Posts: 1,559 ✭✭✭LD 50


    I wouldn't see anything wrong with it. Especially if you're new in town. It's bound to happen. You're both going to be hanging out, and he's going to still want to hang out with his friends. I'd take it as a bad sign if my gf couldn't get along with my friends.
    Obviously he trusts you and his friends a lot.

    My last girlfriend, I knew plenty of her friends, had their numbers and hung out and went drinking even if she wasn't there.


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    #13
    Regina Phalange
    Registered Users Posts: 193 ✭✭Regina Phalange


    Like you SarahMs, I'm very good friends with my OH's friends, I knew them a little before we got together about 9 years now! I don't see any problem with it. We've all got real close relationships.

    I don't think it should be an issue really. He doesn't have a problem with it.

    I'd be totally fine if he hung out with my friends when I wasn't around, perfectly acceptable.

    Sorry to hijack, I know you were asking the boys, but I wanted to give my two cents.


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    #14
    Otis Driftwood
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭Otis Driftwood


    One of my best female friends is married to a good friend of mine so the answer is yes,it wouldnt bother me in the slightest.I would go so far as saying Id actually like it because it would save so much hassle in terms of hanging out with either party.


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    #15
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    Hmm, I'd be good friends with a lot of my friends' boyfriends - as in, I'd have no problem hanging out with them when my friend wasn't there, but I wouldn't actively seek them out either. On the other hand, my ex and I were never that close with each other's friends. We'd have a few on facebook and happily all hang out together as a group, but I'd never have been comfortable spending time with them without my ex. I would have thought it extremely strange if my ex spent time with my friends without me too.

    Since the break up though, I've stayed in contact with my ex's friend's girlfriend, and we'd get together every so often for a chat.


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    #16
    opinion guy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11,001 ✭✭✭✭opinion guy


    SarahMs wrote: »
    So it is an on going argument between my friends and I, who are all from and living in Dublin, while I am between Dublin and Monaghan, about being friends with your boyfriends friends.

    Is it ok that your girl friend hangs out with your friends when you are not there?
    Can she have their numbers?
    Do you like that your girlfriend can get on with your friends?
    Have you ever had any suspicions?

    I am friends with my OH friends, we would see eachother when he is working or out somewhere else etc, often its in the pub or if they called up to the house and he wasn't there they would still come in for tea/coffee etc. I get along really well with them and they have all made a huge effort because I was new to the town etc.

    But my Dublin friends, said all that is too far. Interested in opinions from men though!

    My only thought is what age are you ? This 'dilemma' all seems fairly teenage to me.


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    #17
    Wade in the Sea
    Registered Users Posts: 276 ✭✭Wade in the Sea


    I think if you have a problem you have trust and possession issues. The very things that kill relationships. Ease up or find a new partner.


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    #18
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,099 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Well yea of course. If she didnt get on with my friends then it wouldnt bode well for the future. I would trust my mates opinion too. Only once did they en masse take me aside and suggest that my GF at the time might be bad news and they turned out to be dead right. Other than that there was rarely any issue. The only other thing I've come across is where a couple of exes tried the whole lets distance him from his mates. One very subtly, one not so subtle. Both got scraped off pronto for that guff. I've known men(and women) who ended up socially isolated over that kinda thing.

    That said if you split up it can become awkward, if among your mates(or hers) you get some who take sides. Luckily in any case so far Ive not lost mates. Ive actually gained new mates after one ex and they used to be hers. :D

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #19
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    Faith wrote: »
    Since the break up though, I've stayed in contact with my ex's friend's girlfriend, and we'd get together every so often for a chat.

    There is no rule of thumb and that seems like you made an independent friendship there. Friendships arent automatically transferable.

    I went thru a nasty breakup and my ex was awful with my friends
    wags getting her version. I ended up with a very slimmed down social circle. One of her friends was really nice to me and if I meet her we really get on.

    On the other hand one of the lads has never met my g/f and one of the reasons is the fecker chats up everything and has been on the sidelines for a few breakups.


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    #20
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    opinion guy wrote: »
    My only thought is what age are you ? This 'dilemma' all seems fairly teenage to me.

    even though its college does not make it less real in fact its probably moreso because hanging out is a bigger part of life


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    #21
    vicecreamsundae
    Registered Users Posts: 793 ✭✭✭vicecreamsundae


    i'd definelty like my friends and my boyfriend to get on, and would feel there was something wrong if they couldnt stand each other.
    but as for actually making plans to hang out when i wasnt there, i would feel a bit strange about that. [unless they were friends before me].
    it's not cool to admit it, but if the friend of mine he was making plans with happened to be one of my single and very hot friends then yes, i would feel jealous. you can trust someone not to cheat on you, but that doesnt mean they don't secretly fancy someone else or flirt with them. it would just make me uncomfortable. if he was hanging out with less-hot/less-available friends, or male friends while i wasn't around, it would bother me much less but i'd still feel just a wee bit left out.

    but then, my situation is that when i met my ex, he had just moved here and i introduced him to all my friends and he ended up turning some of them against me. he's jokingly admitted that's a pattern that has happened with other girls he's dated since and that he's still friends with their friends even if he's not friends with the ex-girlfriends, and i think that's kind of ****.


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    #22
    SarahMs
    Closed Accounts Posts: 205 ✭✭SarahMs


    opinion guy wrote: »
    My only thought is what age are you ? This 'dilemma' all seems fairly teenage to me.

    I have no 'dilemma' thanks very much.
    I am very comfortable and secure with my relationship I was asking a question.

    Age is really not important as I have seen what I assume you would call middle age people have 'dilemmas' too


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    #23
    Mackman
    Registered Users Posts: 1,810 ✭✭✭Mackman


    Worlds colliding!!!!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPG3YMcSvzo


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    #24
    Eve_Dublin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,884 ✭✭✭Eve_Dublin


    My ex of two and a half years became very good friends with my very close friends from Ireland when we lived in London. I broke up with him and my ex has remained very good friends with my friends (who all still live there)...he´s very much part of their group but we´re not in touch at all. To be honest, I used to be cool with it when we still thought it was possible to be friends with an ex but not now. One of my best friends is now a very good friend with my ex and when I hear what they got up to, I feel a sinking feeling in my stomach like he´s a strange ghostly presence from my past. I broke up with him´and broke his heart and treated him pretty shabbily at the end of the relationship (I was young and stupid and I learnt from it) and now he´s still very much in my life but only through my friends and I´m always reminded of what happened when I hear his name..and I´m sure it´s the same for him.

    Sometimes I even resent him a little bit for staying in touch with my friends....not sure if that´s unfair or not though. I broke his heart not visa versa so do I have a right to be?

    I pretend I´m cool with it though.


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    #25
    Otis Driftwood
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭Otis Driftwood


    I can see why the above would be tough alright,duno how I would react in that situation.Thankfully none of my mates other halves that Ive ever hit it off with have split up.


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    #26
    opinion guy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11,001 ✭✭✭✭opinion guy


    Eve_Dublin wrote: »
    My ex of two and a half years became very good friends with my very close friends from Ireland when we lived in London. I broke up with him and my ex has remained very good friends with my friends (who all still live there)...he´s very much part of their group but we´re not in touch at all. To be honest, I used to be cool with it when we still thought it was possible to be friends with an ex but not now. One of my best friends is now a very good friend with my ex and when I hear what they got up to, I feel a sinking feeling in my stomach like he´s a strange ghostly presence from my past. I broke up with him´and broke his heart and treated him pretty shabbily at the end of the relationship (I was young and stupid and I learnt from it) and now he´s still very much in my life but only through my friends and I´m always reminded of what happened when I hear his name..and I´m sure it´s the same for him.

    Sometimes I even resent him a little bit for staying in touch with my friends....not sure if that´s unfair or not though. I broke his heart not visa versa so do I have a right to be?

    I pretend I´m cool with it though.

    Conscience is a bitch eh ? Maybe try apologising and you'll feel better about it. Seems like right now you are resenting him his friends because they also are your friends and it reminds you of how ****ty you treated him. So you were selfish back then and .....still being selfish now. You sure you learned from it ?


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    #27
    maddogcollins
    Registered Users Posts: 998 ✭✭✭maddogcollins


    Smyth wrote: »
    I find it weird. Dont think it has ANYTHING to do with security.

    What happens when theres a breakup?

    Nah. I keep them sepatate and always will.

    What is the point in being with somebody if you think you will break up?

    As someone else said if you cant trust your OH and you cant trust your friends then they really are nothing to you.

    I think its an added bonus if your g'friend/b'friend and be friends with your friends.


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    #28
    Smyth
    Registered Users Posts: 714 ✭✭✭Smyth


    maddogcollins wrote: »
    What is the point in being with somebody if you think you will break up?
    .

    Haha. What fairyland are you living in. I go out with people IN ORDER to find out if they're worth keeping. That kind of thing can take months.

    After you get your preconcieved notions about them out of the way, you may realise that 1) you dont want to go out with them 2) that you dont want to be friends with them and 3) that you dont even want to know them.

    If you encounter any of the above and have stupidly already integrated them into your social and family life....well theres a phrase for that.

    You're f*cked


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    #29
    Hackysack
    Registered Users Posts: 412 ✭✭Hackysack


    My girlfriend gets on very well with my friends and I think that's one of the most important aspects of our relationship (not THE most important one, mind you ;)). But to me it's very important. I don't want to be out on a night out or be with friends and have my girlfriend chained to my hip because she couldn't/wouldn't make an effort with my friends.

    She's friends with them on Facebook and they have her number and they text her at times.

    I'm not worried about it at all. I trust her completely and while with some of my 'mates' I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them, I trust her around them.

    But yeah overall I think it's very natural and important really.


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    #30
    opinion guy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11,001 ✭✭✭✭opinion guy


    Smyth wrote: »
    Haha. What fairyland are you living in. I go out with people IN ORDER to find out if they're worth keeping. That kind of thing can take months.

    After you get your preconcieved notions about them out of the way, you may realise that 1) you dont want to go out with them 2) that you dont want to be friends with them and 3) that you dont even want to know them.

    If you encounter any of the above and have stupidly already integrated them into your social and family life....well theres a phrase for that.

    You're f*cked

    See this is teenage bull****. This whole go out with them and see what they are like thing. You know - somewhere inside out know if they are right for you or not. But then either you don't know yourself or you don;t want to admit, in which case go be single and figure yourself out before messing people about again. Gotta say - I'd have a really limited tolerance for someone who was unwilling to introduce me to their friends etc


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    #31
    Smyth
    Registered Users Posts: 714 ✭✭✭Smyth


    opinion guy wrote: »
    See this is teenage bull****. This whole go out with them and see what they are like thing. You know - somewhere inside out know if they are right for you or not. But then either you don't know yourself or you don;t want to admit, in which case go be single and figure yourself out before messing people about again. Gotta say - I'd have a really limited tolerance for someone who was unwilling to introduce me to their friends etc

    Teenage? What a load of boll0x. I find it a hell of lot more immature to assume you know if someone is right for you because of some magical "feeling inside you"

    What a load of Walt Disney gack


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