Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest

Your girlfriend being friends with you friends... what do you really think?

  • 11-06-2010 7:39pm
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 205 ✭✭


    So it is an on going argument between my friends and I, who are all from and living in Dublin, while I am between Dublin and Monaghan, about being friends with your boyfriends friends.

    Is it ok that your girl friend hangs out with your friends when you are not there?
    Can she have their numbers?
    Do you like that your girlfriend can get on with your friends?
    Have you ever had any suspicions?

    I am friends with my OH friends, we would see eachother when he is working or out somewhere else etc, often its in the pub or if they called up to the house and he wasn't there they would still come in for tea/coffee etc. I get along really well with them and they have all made a huge effort because I was new to the town etc.

    But my Dublin friends, said all that is too far. Interested in opinions from men though!


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37,485 ✭✭✭✭Khannie


    Depends what your fella thinks really. If you didn't know them at all before I'd say it's a *little* bit much. That's just me though.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,219 ✭✭✭PK2008


    In an ideal world it shouldnt be an issue but we dont live in an ideal world.

    Sounds a little dodgy to me, could be innocent and all but still could be asking for trouble


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,195 ✭✭✭✭Michellenman


    How would you feel if the roles were reversed and it was him visiting your friends? That's a genuine question by the way, not trying to pick at you :)

    If it was me, I'd be ok with it if I knew his friends beforehand or if we were from the same group of friends. I'd find it a little odd if he'd never known my friends before our relationship but hung out with them when I wasn't there. Not suspicious of jealous... just think it would be a bit odd.

    In saying that, I'd think it was odd if I hung out with his friends when he wasn't there too.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 205 ✭✭SarahMs


    I would honestly have no prob with it, I mean personally I think its great that friends and bfs/gfs can get along

    i think alot of it is down to trust though, although saying all this, it is a small and slightly loola town so maybe its just a town thing or maybe its an age thing like they are all 10+ years older then me


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 714 ✭✭✭Smyth


    I find it weird. Dont think it has ANYTHING to do with security.

    What happens when theres a breakup?

    Nah. I keep them sepatate and always will.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 215 ✭✭teaholic


    I dont think its weird, if you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone you should be able to spend time with your partners friends as your friends.

    If I had been friends with my ex's friends maybe one of them would have told me he was cheating on me or a least hinted towards it instead of it going on for months.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 587 ✭✭✭some_dose


    My girlfriend is good friends with my friends. Trust her and them completely. If you can't trust you other half around your friends then you either need a new other half or new friends


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,215 ✭✭✭Mrmoe


    I think each situation is different and depending on how long you know them. If you are going out a long time then it is reasonable enough that they become your friends too. There is nothing wrong with calling around for a cup of tea and staying even if your OH is no there. I would not matter to me either way.


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,110 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tar.Aldarion


    Yeah tis grand, my friends tend to be nicer than gf's friends anyway. :p
    If she cheats or anything she doesn't deserve you anyway, aaannd you weed out a bad friend *dusts hands*


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,048 ✭✭✭✭Snowie


    What the hells she gonna talk to them about, none of my friends text its always a phone call.. I wouldnt really care to be honest I know i can trust my friends, my aquantinsies thats different.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,559 ✭✭✭LD 50


    I wouldn't see anything wrong with it. Especially if you're new in town. It's bound to happen. You're both going to be hanging out, and he's going to still want to hang out with his friends. I'd take it as a bad sign if my gf couldn't get along with my friends.
    Obviously he trusts you and his friends a lot.

    My last girlfriend, I knew plenty of her friends, had their numbers and hung out and went drinking even if she wasn't there.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 193 ✭✭Regina Phalange


    Like you SarahMs, I'm very good friends with my OH's friends, I knew them a little before we got together about 9 years now! I don't see any problem with it. We've all got real close relationships.

    I don't think it should be an issue really. He doesn't have a problem with it.

    I'd be totally fine if he hung out with my friends when I wasn't around, perfectly acceptable.

    Sorry to hijack, I know you were asking the boys, but I wanted to give my two cents.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭Otis Driftwood


    One of my best female friends is married to a good friend of mine so the answer is yes,it wouldnt bother me in the slightest.I would go so far as saying Id actually like it because it would save so much hassle in terms of hanging out with either party.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,661 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    Hmm, I'd be good friends with a lot of my friends' boyfriends - as in, I'd have no problem hanging out with them when my friend wasn't there, but I wouldn't actively seek them out either. On the other hand, my ex and I were never that close with each other's friends. We'd have a few on facebook and happily all hang out together as a group, but I'd never have been comfortable spending time with them without my ex. I would have thought it extremely strange if my ex spent time with my friends without me too.

    Since the break up though, I've stayed in contact with my ex's friend's girlfriend, and we'd get together every so often for a chat.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,001 ✭✭✭✭opinion guy


    SarahMs wrote: »
    So it is an on going argument between my friends and I, who are all from and living in Dublin, while I am between Dublin and Monaghan, about being friends with your boyfriends friends.

    Is it ok that your girl friend hangs out with your friends when you are not there?
    Can she have their numbers?
    Do you like that your girlfriend can get on with your friends?
    Have you ever had any suspicions?

    I am friends with my OH friends, we would see eachother when he is working or out somewhere else etc, often its in the pub or if they called up to the house and he wasn't there they would still come in for tea/coffee etc. I get along really well with them and they have all made a huge effort because I was new to the town etc.

    But my Dublin friends, said all that is too far. Interested in opinions from men though!

    My only thought is what age are you ? This 'dilemma' all seems fairly teenage to me.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 276 ✭✭Wade in the Sea


    I think if you have a problem you have trust and possession issues. The very things that kill relationships. Ease up or find a new partner.


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Well yea of course. If she didnt get on with my friends then it wouldnt bode well for the future. I would trust my mates opinion too. Only once did they en masse take me aside and suggest that my GF at the time might be bad news and they turned out to be dead right. Other than that there was rarely any issue. The only other thing I've come across is where a couple of exes tried the whole lets distance him from his mates. One very subtly, one not so subtle. Both got scraped off pronto for that guff. I've known men(and women) who ended up socially isolated over that kinda thing.

    That said if you split up it can become awkward, if among your mates(or hers) you get some who take sides. Luckily in any case so far Ive not lost mates. Ive actually gained new mates after one ex and they used to be hers. :D

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    Faith wrote: »
    Since the break up though, I've stayed in contact with my ex's friend's girlfriend, and we'd get together every so often for a chat.

    There is no rule of thumb and that seems like you made an independent friendship there. Friendships arent automatically transferable.

    I went thru a nasty breakup and my ex was awful with my friends
    wags getting her version. I ended up with a very slimmed down social circle. One of her friends was really nice to me and if I meet her we really get on.

    On the other hand one of the lads has never met my g/f and one of the reasons is the fecker chats up everything and has been on the sidelines for a few breakups.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    My only thought is what age are you ? This 'dilemma' all seems fairly teenage to me.

    even though its college does not make it less real in fact its probably moreso because hanging out is a bigger part of life


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 793 ✭✭✭vicecreamsundae


    i'd definelty like my friends and my boyfriend to get on, and would feel there was something wrong if they couldnt stand each other.
    but as for actually making plans to hang out when i wasnt there, i would feel a bit strange about that. [unless they were friends before me].
    it's not cool to admit it, but if the friend of mine he was making plans with happened to be one of my single and very hot friends then yes, i would feel jealous. you can trust someone not to cheat on you, but that doesnt mean they don't secretly fancy someone else or flirt with them. it would just make me uncomfortable. if he was hanging out with less-hot/less-available friends, or male friends while i wasn't around, it would bother me much less but i'd still feel just a wee bit left out.

    but then, my situation is that when i met my ex, he had just moved here and i introduced him to all my friends and he ended up turning some of them against me. he's jokingly admitted that's a pattern that has happened with other girls he's dated since and that he's still friends with their friends even if he's not friends with the ex-girlfriends, and i think that's kind of ****.


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 205 ✭✭SarahMs


    My only thought is what age are you ? This 'dilemma' all seems fairly teenage to me.

    I have no 'dilemma' thanks very much.
    I am very comfortable and secure with my relationship I was asking a question.

    Age is really not important as I have seen what I assume you would call middle age people have 'dilemmas' too


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,810 ✭✭✭Mackman




  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,884 ✭✭✭Eve_Dublin


    My ex of two and a half years became very good friends with my very close friends from Ireland when we lived in London. I broke up with him and my ex has remained very good friends with my friends (who all still live there)...he´s very much part of their group but we´re not in touch at all. To be honest, I used to be cool with it when we still thought it was possible to be friends with an ex but not now. One of my best friends is now a very good friend with my ex and when I hear what they got up to, I feel a sinking feeling in my stomach like he´s a strange ghostly presence from my past. I broke up with him´and broke his heart and treated him pretty shabbily at the end of the relationship (I was young and stupid and I learnt from it) and now he´s still very much in my life but only through my friends and I´m always reminded of what happened when I hear his name..and I´m sure it´s the same for him.

    Sometimes I even resent him a little bit for staying in touch with my friends....not sure if that´s unfair or not though. I broke his heart not visa versa so do I have a right to be?

    I pretend I´m cool with it though.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭Otis Driftwood


    I can see why the above would be tough alright,duno how I would react in that situation.Thankfully none of my mates other halves that Ive ever hit it off with have split up.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,001 ✭✭✭✭opinion guy


    Eve_Dublin wrote: »
    My ex of two and a half years became very good friends with my very close friends from Ireland when we lived in London. I broke up with him and my ex has remained very good friends with my friends (who all still live there)...he´s very much part of their group but we´re not in touch at all. To be honest, I used to be cool with it when we still thought it was possible to be friends with an ex but not now. One of my best friends is now a very good friend with my ex and when I hear what they got up to, I feel a sinking feeling in my stomach like he´s a strange ghostly presence from my past. I broke up with him´and broke his heart and treated him pretty shabbily at the end of the relationship (I was young and stupid and I learnt from it) and now he´s still very much in my life but only through my friends and I´m always reminded of what happened when I hear his name..and I´m sure it´s the same for him.

    Sometimes I even resent him a little bit for staying in touch with my friends....not sure if that´s unfair or not though. I broke his heart not visa versa so do I have a right to be?

    I pretend I´m cool with it though.

    Conscience is a bitch eh ? Maybe try apologising and you'll feel better about it. Seems like right now you are resenting him his friends because they also are your friends and it reminds you of how ****ty you treated him. So you were selfish back then and .....still being selfish now. You sure you learned from it ?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 998 ✭✭✭maddogcollins


    Smyth wrote: »
    I find it weird. Dont think it has ANYTHING to do with security.

    What happens when theres a breakup?

    Nah. I keep them sepatate and always will.

    What is the point in being with somebody if you think you will break up?

    As someone else said if you cant trust your OH and you cant trust your friends then they really are nothing to you.

    I think its an added bonus if your g'friend/b'friend and be friends with your friends.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 714 ✭✭✭Smyth


    What is the point in being with somebody if you think you will break up?
    .

    Haha. What fairyland are you living in. I go out with people IN ORDER to find out if they're worth keeping. That kind of thing can take months.

    After you get your preconcieved notions about them out of the way, you may realise that 1) you dont want to go out with them 2) that you dont want to be friends with them and 3) that you dont even want to know them.

    If you encounter any of the above and have stupidly already integrated them into your social and family life....well theres a phrase for that.

    You're f*cked


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 412 ✭✭Hackysack


    My girlfriend gets on very well with my friends and I think that's one of the most important aspects of our relationship (not THE most important one, mind you ;)). But to me it's very important. I don't want to be out on a night out or be with friends and have my girlfriend chained to my hip because she couldn't/wouldn't make an effort with my friends.

    She's friends with them on Facebook and they have her number and they text her at times.

    I'm not worried about it at all. I trust her completely and while with some of my 'mates' I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them, I trust her around them.

    But yeah overall I think it's very natural and important really.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,001 ✭✭✭✭opinion guy


    Smyth wrote: »
    Haha. What fairyland are you living in. I go out with people IN ORDER to find out if they're worth keeping. That kind of thing can take months.

    After you get your preconcieved notions about them out of the way, you may realise that 1) you dont want to go out with them 2) that you dont want to be friends with them and 3) that you dont even want to know them.

    If you encounter any of the above and have stupidly already integrated them into your social and family life....well theres a phrase for that.

    You're f*cked

    See this is teenage bull****. This whole go out with them and see what they are like thing. You know - somewhere inside out know if they are right for you or not. But then either you don't know yourself or you don;t want to admit, in which case go be single and figure yourself out before messing people about again. Gotta say - I'd have a really limited tolerance for someone who was unwilling to introduce me to their friends etc


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 714 ✭✭✭Smyth


    See this is teenage bull****. This whole go out with them and see what they are like thing. You know - somewhere inside out know if they are right for you or not. But then either you don't know yourself or you don;t want to admit, in which case go be single and figure yourself out before messing people about again. Gotta say - I'd have a really limited tolerance for someone who was unwilling to introduce me to their friends etc

    Teenage? What a load of boll0x. I find it a hell of lot more immature to assume you know if someone is right for you because of some magical "feeling inside you"

    What a load of Walt Disney gack


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,884 ✭✭✭Eve_Dublin


    Conscience is a bitch eh ? Maybe try apologising and you'll feel better about it. Seems like right now you are resenting him his friends because they also are your friends and it reminds you of how ****ty you treated him. So you were selfish back then and .....still being selfish now. You sure you learned from it ?

    Wow and you´re abolutely perfect are you that you can come on here and judge me like that for just being honest? Jesus shoot me for being human!! I apologised profusely to him many times back then and you don´t know the full story...it´s still undecided who treated who the worst. Him for chatting to girls online or me for not sleeping with him in the last month of our relationship because I didn´t fancy him anymore then finally breaking up with him and breaking his heart. He probably chatted to girls because I didn´t sleep with him. Who knows. It was an amicable breakup and we were as friendly as two exes can be but it wasn´t sustainable as is always the case.



    He can be friends with who he likes but I can´t say I´m over the moon that someone I once loved is still at most social occasions I go to when we can´t even talk anymore beyond very awkward small talk. I broke his heart which didn´t make either of us feel great. Most people would have walked away from me and my friends...but he didn´t and it´s nothing to do with me being selfish....I never acted selfishly but it´s four years on and it´s just plain weird. Call me old fashioned but there are a certain protocol when you finish with someone and usually you don´t remain friends with the ex´s best friends, particularly when there was a lot of pain caused and I´ve no doubt he feels plenty of resentment towards me. He´s a great fella but it´s still very difficult having him in my life when we don´t get along anymore and I´m sure it´s the same for him. I feel more sad than resentment.

    Edit: Just to add, I went to two of my friends´ birthday parties with a new boyfriend and on both occasions he left crying. He should´ve not remained friends with my friends for his own good as well. Just too much past there.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,884 ✭✭✭Eve_Dublin


    See this is teenage bull****. This whole go out with them and see what they are like thing. You know - somewhere inside out know if they are right for you or not. But then either you don't know yourself or you don;t want to admit, in which case go be single and figure yourself out before messing people about again. Gotta say - I'd have a really limited tolerance for someone who was unwilling to introduce me to their friends etc

    Honestly, who made you the judge and jury round here buddy? So you´re saying you automatically know what someone is like immediately? That´s pure ****e. I have a friend who was in the perfect relationship for 3 years...we all thought he was The Business...and then he turns around one day and punches her in the face. People change and so do relationships and most sane people don´t go into relationships to mess the other person round.

    So you´ve conducted yourself perfectly in every relationship, have you? Either you´re lying to play the martyr here, have had your heart smashed to pieces and are bitter or else you don´t have much experience. Two sides to every story...I´d love to hear your exes´ pov.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,884 ✭✭✭Eve_Dublin


    See this is teenage bull****. This whole go out with them and see what they are like thing. You know - somewhere inside out know if they are right for you or not. But then either you don't know yourself or you don;t want to admit, in which case go be single and figure yourself out before messing people about again. Gotta say - I'd have a really limited tolerance for someone who was unwilling to introduce me to their friends etc

    If they were right for you then you´d never break up. Only teenagers break up with their OHs? Rrrright.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 9,722 Mod ✭✭✭✭Twee.


    I'm very good friends with my bf's mates. I knew one of them before we started dating, and he lives with four of his good friends, and is in a band. So, they're a pretty tight bunch! I'm in their house once or twice a week, we have dinner as a group, watch movies, go on nights out! After saying all that, he doesn't know my friends half as well as I know his, but that's down to circumstances. I live at home, and my friends don't live near me.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭Otis Driftwood


    Ok folks,I can understand that this is somewhat of an emotive subject for some people but can we keep the replies civilised and about the subject at hand.

    Cheers,
    Nedtheshed.


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,001 ✭✭✭✭opinion guy


    Smyth wrote: »
    Teenage? What a load of boll0x. I find it a hell of lot more immature to assume you know if someone is right for you because of some magical "feeling inside you"

    What a load of Walt Disney gack

    Who said anything about a "magical feeling inside you" ? It simply self-awareness. Awareness of the type of person you like, the kind of person that suits you .......etc. Put simply -> maturity.
    Eve_Dublin wrote: »
    Call me old fashioned but there are a certain protocol when you finish with someone and usually you don´t remain friends with the ex´s best friends, particularly when there was a lot of pain caused and I´ve no doubt he feels plenty of resentment towards me. He´s a great fella but it´s still very difficult having him in my life when we don´t get along anymore and I´m sure it´s the same for him. I feel more sad than resentment.

    No I don't call this old fashioned I call this selfish. Look I don't know, nor want to know all y'all's history. But has it even occurred to you that maybe he values his friendship with these people, and even thou it is awkward for him, he'll put up with having to see you because they ARE HIS friends. Just seems like you are seeing things from your own perspective only.
    Edit: Just to add, I went to two of my friends´ birthday parties with a new boyfriend and on both occasions he left crying. He should´ve not remained friends with my friends for his own good as well. Just too much past there.

    Let him worry about his own good perhaps ? "For his own good" ? Please. Again consider there a perspective other than how awkward it is for you.
    Eve_Dublin wrote: »
    Honestly, who made you the judge and jury round here buddy? So you´re saying you automatically know what someone is like immediately?
    [/quote

    I'm saying I don't date someone just to see if it will work. There's either something there or there is not. You are either compatible or you are not. Pretty simple really. Thou people seem to have a difficult time understanding that. Number of people who try to convinced me to given person x "a try to see how it works" :rolleyes:. Guaranteed, GUARANTEED way to hurt people and mess them about.
    So you´ve conducted yourself perfectly in every relationship, have you? Either you´re lying to play the martyr here, have had your heart smashed to pieces and are bitter or else you don´t have much experience. Two sides to every story...I´d love to hear your exes´ pov.

    Previous to just above did I say anything about how I've 'conducted myself'. You volunteered the peronsal info not me. Indeed - the very reason I say all this is because when I was a teenager I used to do selfish stuff. Then thou having those things done to me in turn I've realised what it feels like and I now endeavor never to mess anyone around. I guess you could say I learned from mistakes and matured a bit - since I'm not a teenager anymore I try not to act like one.
    Eve_Dublin wrote: »
    If they were right for you then you´d never break up. Only teenagers break up with their OHs? Rrrright.

    I never said people never break up. Like you said - things happen, people change etc etc etc. Those are good reasons to break up. "I was only trying you out to see if it would work" is just plain f**king with people. Also its a lie. Truth would be "I was selfish and just using you till I got bored/something better came along". At least that would be honest.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,884 ✭✭✭Eve_Dublin


    All of us think selfish thoughts Opinion Guy. I haven´t acted on my selfishness and that is the key. What I said above is the very first time I´ve expressed how I feel in four years. I´ve never, ever, ever made an issue of it and I´ve never mentioned this to anyone but I just thought I´d be honest on a forum where I know nobody and I really don´t appreciate your comments suggesting I´m ACTING in a selfish way. If I didn´t see it from his perspective then I would have done something about it. I can´t help how I feel. If I feel a bit peeved that my ex is at every social occasion I go to of these friends and we can´t even talk, the annoyance is not directed at him at this moment in time as I absolutely understand he values their friendship but that wasn´t the case when we broke up...they were acquaintances and he actually went out of his way to build that friendship up after we broke up. I wouldn´t do anything to sabbotage these friendships it but it makes me sad when I see a person I lived and really loved with at these occasions when we can´t even talk and I know he feels the same. Fact.

    By the way, you´re projecting here in a very big way: filling in the blanks with your own imagined details...as you said yourself, you don´t know the full story. I´ve never ACTED selfishly (yes, I´ve had selfish thoughts but luckily I´m not living in a George Orwell novel with thought police or believe I might be condemned to purgatory for all eternity for having sinful thoughts or hoping for a nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize any time soon so I can think what I like)...so don´t judge.

    Honestly, I don´t know of one other case of someone who was acquaintances with his OH´s friends becomes friendlier with them after a painful breakup. I think it´s bizarre.

    As I said, these thoughts are not acted upon and that is all that matters.

    Just to add, when I say "occasions" I mean when I visit London. He´s hanging out with us the whole weekend. If you don´t think that´s awkward then I think your a liar, quite frankly.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 54 ✭✭Sebastien De Valmont


    It's always good to have your girlfriend friends with your friends. Women are attracted to a man with a social circle.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 852 ✭✭✭moonpurple


    advice from one grandmother to her grand daughters..

    these are the women your mother should have warned you about

    if you are not very keen on him...go out with him to see his friends....


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,024 ✭✭✭✭Baggly


    It would/will be nice if it happens...

    TBH in my experience im reluctant to mix my social groups too much...but ive always been a better one on one friend than an in a group friend, so i guess im more comfortable if they get on well, but arent necessarily best friends.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    Eve_Dublin wrote: »
    He can be friends with who he likes but I can´t say I´m over the moon that someone I once loved is still at most social occasions I go to when we can´t even talk anymore beyond very awkward small talk. I broke his heart which didn´t make either of us feel great. Most people would have walked away from me and my friends...but he didn´t and it´s nothing to do with me being selfish....I never acted selfishly but it´s four years on and it´s just plain weird. Call me old fashioned but there are a certain protocol when you finish with someone and usually you don´t remain friends with the ex´s best friends, particularly when there was a lot of pain caused and I´ve no doubt he feels plenty of resentment towards me. He´s a great fella but it´s still very difficult having him in my life when we don´t get along anymore and I´m sure it´s the same for him. I feel more sad than resentment.

    Edit: Just to add, I went to two of my friends´ birthday parties with a new boyfriend and on both occasions he left crying. He should´ve not remained friends with my friends for his own good as well. Just too much past there.

    Very much agree with your sentiments. I mean I think he could still maybe see them the odd time but they definitely shouldn't be his close circle of friends. Can completely understand you resenting that.

    Though your friends probably shouldn't have encouraged it either. Maybe they really liked him, hard to know without the full story.

    The bit about the crying almost sounds manipulative.

    I'd ignore that conscience comment from another poster. Breaking someone's heart isn't a crime like say cheating is. If you want to break up with someone you don't have to feel guilty about it. :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,024 ✭✭✭✭Baggly


    Well it would depend why and how surely.

    Breaking up with someone with a view to eating your cake and then getting back with them for example, isnt acceptable in my book.

    Breaking up with someone and lying about the reason isnt acceptable and i think i would feel guilty if i did this.

    Relationships are never black and white (no racist pun) and as such, breakups are even more grey.

    I have a friend who went out with another friend. We all know each other from college and at graduation (after the break up) there was tears on one side and anger on the other. Neither of them were wrong; i can see the point of view of both parties, so i dont agree that he/she shouldnt have felt guilty and he/she shouldnt have been emotional. Someones actions caused another person pain....we all have a right to express that emotion, dont we?

    Anywho two years later im friends with one of them and have drifted from the other. Friends with friends exes is tough.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 34 Morphie


    SarahMs wrote: »
    So it is an on going argument between my friends and I, who are all from and living in Dublin, while I am between Dublin and Monaghan, about being friends with your boyfriends friends.

    Is it ok that your girl friend hangs out with your friends when you are not there?
    Can she have their numbers?
    Do you like that your girlfriend can get on with your friends?
    Have you ever had any suspicions?

    I am friends with my OH friends, we would see eachother when he is working or out somewhere else etc, often its in the pub or if they called up to the house and he wasn't there they would still come in for tea/coffee etc. I get along really well with them and they have all made a huge effort because I was new to the town etc.

    But my Dublin friends, said all that is too far. Interested in opinions from men though!

    I shall bold and reply.

    Is it ok that your girl friend hangs out with your friends when you are not there?

    No. I don't want my partner to hang out with my mates if I'm not there, I don't want her to know them socially enough to WANT to hang out with them. I like my own things, my own life, so that includes my own friends. I wouldn't fear her cheating on me, since, well, I'm the best catch out of all my friends. Oh, and the fact I just trust/believe she wouldn't.

    Can she have their numbers?

    Yeah, my partner has my friends numbers. Only because I don't have my own mobile phone (haven't had one since I was about 17, now I'm 22). She doesn't use them. Otherwise, it would be a no.

    Do you like that your girlfriend can get on with your friends?

    Personally, it makes no difference to me. They are two separate entities in my life. If they can get on when I'm there, it's better than if they don't like each other. What I mean is, ultimately, I don't care. If they can't get on, I don't mix them.

    Have you ever had any suspicions?

    No. But in the way you're doing it I think it's a bit much. I wouldn't support my partner doing it, in the same way I don't see her friends in our house when she isn't home. Why would I? I have no interest in my partners friends beyond them being HER friends. I can get on with them, but I don't need to know them beyond that. They belong in her social life, not an essential part of mine.


Advertisement