Your girlfriend being friends with you friends... what do you really think?

Eve_Dublin

opinion guy wrote: »

Conscience is a bitch eh ? Maybe try apologising and you'll feel better about it. Seems like right now you are resenting him his friends because they also are your friends and it reminds you of how ****ty you treated him. So you were selfish back then and .....still being selfish now. You sure you learned from it ?

Wow and you´re abolutely perfect are you that you can come on here and judge me like that for just being honest? Jesus shoot me for being human!! I apologised profusely to him many times back then and you don´t know the full story...it´s still undecided who treated who the worst. Him for chatting to girls online or me for not sleeping with him in the last month of our relationship because I didn´t fancy him anymore then finally breaking up with him and breaking his heart. He probably chatted to girls because I didn´t sleep with him. Who knows. It was an amicable breakup and we were as friendly as two exes can be but it wasn´t sustainable as is always the case.



He can be friends with who he likes but I can´t say I´m over the moon that someone I once loved is still at most social occasions I go to when we can´t even talk anymore beyond very awkward small talk. I broke his heart which didn´t make either of us feel great. Most people would have walked away from me and my friends...but he didn´t and it´s nothing to do with me being selfish....I never acted selfishly but it´s four years on and it´s just plain weird. Call me old fashioned but there are a certain protocol when you finish with someone and usually you don´t remain friends with the ex´s best friends, particularly when there was a lot of pain caused and I´ve no doubt he feels plenty of resentment towards me. He´s a great fella but it´s still very difficult having him in my life when we don´t get along anymore and I´m sure it´s the same for him. I feel more sad than resentment.

Edit: Just to add, I went to two of my friends´ birthday parties with a new boyfriend and on both occasions he left crying. He should´ve not remained friends with my friends for his own good as well. Just too much past there.

Eve_Dublin

opinion guy wrote: »

See this is teenage bull****. This whole go out with them and see what they are like thing. You know - somewhere inside out know if they are right for you or not. But then either you don't know yourself or you don;t want to admit, in which case go be single and figure yourself out before messing people about again. Gotta say - I'd have a really limited tolerance for someone who was unwilling to introduce me to their friends etc

Honestly, who made you the judge and jury round here buddy? So you´re saying you automatically know what someone is like immediately? That´s pure ****e. I have a friend who was in the perfect relationship for 3 years...we all thought he was The Business...and then he turns around one day and punches her in the face. People change and so do relationships and most sane people don´t go into relationships to mess the other person round.

So you´ve conducted yourself perfectly in every relationship, have you? Either you´re lying to play the martyr here, have had your heart smashed to pieces and are bitter or else you don´t have much experience. Two sides to every story...I´d love to hear your exes´ pov.

Eve_Dublin

opinion guy wrote: »

See this is teenage bull****. This whole go out with them and see what they are like thing. You know - somewhere inside out know if they are right for you or not. But then either you don't know yourself or you don;t want to admit, in which case go be single and figure yourself out before messing people about again. Gotta say - I'd have a really limited tolerance for someone who was unwilling to introduce me to their friends etc

If they were right for you then you´d never break up. Only teenagers break up with their OHs? Rrrright.

Twee.

I'm very good friends with my bf's mates. I knew one of them before we started dating, and he lives with four of his good friends, and is in a band. So, they're a pretty tight bunch! I'm in their house once or twice a week, we have dinner as a group, watch movies, go on nights out! After saying all that, he doesn't know my friends half as well as I know his, but that's down to circumstances. I live at home, and my friends don't live near me.

Otis Driftwood

Ok folks,I can understand that this is somewhat of an emotive subject for some people but can we keep the replies civilised and about the subject at hand.

Cheers,
Nedtheshed.

opinion guy

Smyth wrote: »

Teenage? What a load of boll0x. I find it a hell of lot more immature to assume you know if someone is right for you because of some magical "feeling inside you"

What a load of Walt Disney gack

Who said anything about a "magical feeling inside you" ? It simply self-awareness. Awareness of the type of person you like, the kind of person that suits you .......etc. Put simply -> maturity.

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Call me old fashioned but there are a certain protocol when you finish with someone and usually you don´t remain friends with the ex´s best friends, particularly when there was a lot of pain caused and I´ve no doubt he feels plenty of resentment towards me. He´s a great fella but it´s still very difficult having him in my life when we don´t get along anymore and I´m sure it´s the same for him. I feel more sad than resentment.

No I don't call this old fashioned I call this selfish. Look I don't know, nor want to know all y'all's history. But has it even occurred to you that maybe he values his friendship with these people, and even thou it is awkward for him, he'll put up with having to see you because they ARE HIS friends. Just seems like you are seeing things from your own perspective only.

Edit: Just to add, I went to two of my friends´ birthday parties with a new boyfriend and on both occasions he left crying. He should´ve not remained friends with my friends for his own good as well. Just too much past there.

Let him worry about his own good perhaps ? "For his own good" ? Please. Again consider there a perspective other than how awkward it is for you.

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Honestly, who made you the judge and jury round here buddy? So you´re saying you automatically know what someone is like immediately?
[/quote

I'm saying I don't date someone just to see if it will work. There's either something there or there is not. You are either compatible or you are not. Pretty simple really. Thou people seem to have a difficult time understanding that. Number of people who try to convinced me to given person x "a try to see how it works" :rolleyes:. Guaranteed, GUARANTEED way to hurt people and mess them about.

So you´ve conducted yourself perfectly in every relationship, have you? Either you´re lying to play the martyr here, have had your heart smashed to pieces and are bitter or else you don´t have much experience. Two sides to every story...I´d love to hear your exes´ pov.

Previous to just above did I say anything about how I've 'conducted myself'. You volunteered the peronsal info not me. Indeed - the very reason I say all this is because when I was a teenager I used to do selfish stuff. Then thou having those things done to me in turn I've realised what it feels like and I now endeavor never to mess anyone around. I guess you could say I learned from mistakes and matured a bit - since I'm not a teenager anymore I try not to act like one.

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

If they were right for you then you´d never break up. Only teenagers break up with their OHs? Rrrright.

I never said people never break up. Like you said - things happen, people change etc etc etc. Those are good reasons to break up. "I was only trying you out to see if it would work" is just plain f**king with people. Also its a lie. Truth would be "I was selfish and just using you till I got bored/something better came along". At least that would be honest.

Eve_Dublin

All of us think selfish thoughts Opinion Guy. I haven´t acted on my selfishness and that is the key. What I said above is the very first time I´ve expressed how I feel in four years. I´ve never, ever, ever made an issue of it and I´ve never mentioned this to anyone but I just thought I´d be honest on a forum where I know nobody and I really don´t appreciate your comments suggesting I´m ACTING in a selfish way. If I didn´t see it from his perspective then I would have done something about it. I can´t help how I feel. If I feel a bit peeved that my ex is at every social occasion I go to of these friends and we can´t even talk, the annoyance is not directed at him at this moment in time as I absolutely understand he values their friendship but that wasn´t the case when we broke up...they were acquaintances and he actually went out of his way to build that friendship up after we broke up. I wouldn´t do anything to sabbotage these friendships it but it makes me sad when I see a person I lived and really loved with at these occasions when we can´t even talk and I know he feels the same. Fact.

By the way, you´re projecting here in a very big way: filling in the blanks with your own imagined details...as you said yourself, you don´t know the full story. I´ve never ACTED selfishly (yes, I´ve had selfish thoughts but luckily I´m not living in a George Orwell novel with thought police or believe I might be condemned to purgatory for all eternity for having sinful thoughts or hoping for a nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize any time soon so I can think what I like)...so don´t judge.

Honestly, I don´t know of one other case of someone who was acquaintances with his OH´s friends becomes friendlier with them after a painful breakup. I think it´s bizarre.

As I said, these thoughts are not acted upon and that is all that matters.

Just to add, when I say "occasions" I mean when I visit London. He´s hanging out with us the whole weekend. If you don´t think that´s awkward then I think your a liar, quite frankly.

Sebastien De Valmont

It's always good to have your girlfriend friends with your friends. Women are attracted to a man with a social circle.

moonpurple

advice from one grandmother to her grand daughters..

these are the women your mother should have warned you about

if you are not very keen on him...go out with him to see his friends....

Baggly

It would/will be nice if it happens...

TBH in my experience im reluctant to mix my social groups too much...but ive always been a better one on one friend than an in a group friend, so i guess im more comfortable if they get on well, but arent necessarily best friends.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

He can be friends with who he likes but I can´t say I´m over the moon that someone I once loved is still at most social occasions I go to when we can´t even talk anymore beyond very awkward small talk. I broke his heart which didn´t make either of us feel great. Most people would have walked away from me and my friends...but he didn´t and it´s nothing to do with me being selfish....I never acted selfishly but it´s four years on and it´s just plain weird. Call me old fashioned but there are a certain protocol when you finish with someone and usually you don´t remain friends with the ex´s best friends, particularly when there was a lot of pain caused and I´ve no doubt he feels plenty of resentment towards me. He´s a great fella but it´s still very difficult having him in my life when we don´t get along anymore and I´m sure it´s the same for him. I feel more sad than resentment.

Edit: Just to add, I went to two of my friends´ birthday parties with a new boyfriend and on both occasions he left crying. He should´ve not remained friends with my friends for his own good as well. Just too much past there.

Very much agree with your sentiments. I mean I think he could still maybe see them the odd time but they definitely shouldn't be his close circle of friends. Can completely understand you resenting that.

Though your friends probably shouldn't have encouraged it either. Maybe they really liked him, hard to know without the full story.

The bit about the crying almost sounds manipulative.

I'd ignore that conscience comment from another poster. Breaking someone's heart isn't a crime like say cheating is. If you want to break up with someone you don't have to feel guilty about it.

Baggly

Well it would depend why and how surely.

Breaking up with someone with a view to eating your cake and then getting back with them for example, isnt acceptable in my book.

Breaking up with someone and lying about the reason isnt acceptable and i think i would feel guilty if i did this.

Relationships are never black and white (no racist pun) and as such, breakups are even more grey.

I have a friend who went out with another friend. We all know each other from college and at graduation (after the break up) there was tears on one side and anger on the other. Neither of them were wrong; i can see the point of view of both parties, so i dont agree that he/she shouldnt have felt guilty and he/she shouldnt have been emotional. Someones actions caused another person pain....we all have a right to express that emotion, dont we?

Anywho two years later im friends with one of them and have drifted from the other. Friends with friends exes is tough.

Morphie

SarahMs wrote: »

So it is an on going argument between my friends and I, who are all from and living in Dublin, while I am between Dublin and Monaghan, about being friends with your boyfriends friends.

Is it ok that your girl friend hangs out with your friends when you are not there?
Can she have their numbers?
Do you like that your girlfriend can get on with your friends?
Have you ever had any suspicions?

I am friends with my OH friends, we would see eachother when he is working or out somewhere else etc, often its in the pub or if they called up to the house and he wasn't there they would still come in for tea/coffee etc. I get along really well with them and they have all made a huge effort because I was new to the town etc.

But my Dublin friends, said all that is too far. Interested in opinions from men though!

I shall bold and reply.

Is it ok that your girl friend hangs out with your friends when you are not there?

No. I don't want my partner to hang out with my mates if I'm not there, I don't want her to know them socially enough to WANT to hang out with them. I like my own things, my own life, so that includes my own friends. I wouldn't fear her cheating on me, since, well, I'm the best catch out of all my friends. Oh, and the fact I just trust/believe she wouldn't.

Can she have their numbers?

Yeah, my partner has my friends numbers. Only because I don't have my own mobile phone (haven't had one since I was about 17, now I'm 22). She doesn't use them. Otherwise, it would be a no.

Do you like that your girlfriend can get on with your friends?

Personally, it makes no difference to me. They are two separate entities in my life. If they can get on when I'm there, it's better than if they don't like each other. What I mean is, ultimately, I don't care. If they can't get on, I don't mix them.

Have you ever had any suspicions?

No. But in the way you're doing it I think it's a bit much. I wouldn't support my partner doing it, in the same way I don't see her friends in our house when she isn't home. Why would I? I have no interest in my partners friends beyond them being HER friends. I can get on with them, but I don't need to know them beyond that. They belong in her social life, not an essential part of mine.