Post a baseless lie about the last poster. Read the warning in post #1

was put out of business by milk

likes spaghetti

Cdfm woke this morning and decided he has got that feeling ...... so after a night of dreaming about my little pony(only pink ones) he got up, made his better half a lovely cuppa tea and some toast, put a dainty little daffodil with no head on the tray ......ran down got into the shower, curled his hair the way she likes it, put on loads of aftershave his sexy thong jocks, sucks in his tummy and heads back up, swings open the door and gives her that look!!!!
She said, that cuppa was cold, where is the remote and i would put something on before you feed that lizard you know what happened the last time you excited him!!!
CDfm's now only has that feeling for himself!!!!

CDfm is collecting all his pooh, to try and piece together the 10,000 scratch card he ate!!!

CDfm was collecting these stories for his new novel "Bedtime Stories for Boyz and Grillz"



1. "Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not
having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the
RAC have more responsible employees." Anon.

2. " 'Disneyland - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial
says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30." Anon.

3. "The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I." Anon.

4. "Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd
just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his
wife's growler. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?"
Anon.

5. "Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?" Anon.

6. "On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road."
Anon.

7. "Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey.
What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on
about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius."
Anon.

8. "Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection
with the exception of 'There is Nothing Left to Lose' by the Foo
Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account
their splendid sense of humour." Anon.

9. "I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is 'satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life'. He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but
isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?" Anon.

10. "I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My
Dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in
customs." Anon.

11. "What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman
being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that." Anon.

12. "When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day,
I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny, but
the poor sod's face told a different story." Anon.

13. "I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake
of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through
a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some
sticks." Anon.

14. "My boss and colleagues spend half their time criticizing me for
things I've done and the other half criticizing me for things I haven't
done. I wish they'd make their f**king minds up." Anon.

15. " 'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...'
wrote the Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in
order to see that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping
off with her you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to
me like they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the
relationship is dead in the water and they should end it now before they
both get hurt." Anon.

16. "The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll
have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking
a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's
not good luck in my book. " Milos el Standish, Barcelona

17. "I was shocked to hear the Home Secretary say that Britain's prison
population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the
world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given
'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can
only dream of." Anon.

18. "The person who coined the phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese'
obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar." Anon.

19. "If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable
Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?" Anon.

20. "They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV
in my local." Anon.

21. "If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon and bacon?"
Anon.

22. "They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my
daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand." Anon.

23. "If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some
recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?" Neil Sedgwick,
Nottingham .

24. "These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you
down." Anon.

25. "Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems
OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty
arguments begin. I will never understand women." Anon.

26. "We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother
to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in
London beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with
the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately
left his wife and children and pissed off, first to France, then North
Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always
be with us." Anon.

27. "Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the
East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a
hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for
the Luftwaffe." Werner Hoffman, Munich .

28. "I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful
young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather)
holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to." Anon.

29. "Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand
Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous
thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with
Stan Collymore." Anon.

30. "So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off.
I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either." Anon.

31. "To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter
nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based
murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin
Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out
not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's
'Worst Mass Murderer'. " Anon.

32. "I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds
in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other
one?" Anon.

Is waiting to see what my next trick will be:p