Is my boyfriend gay?

LegacyUser · 10-07-2009 05:09PM

directly?!! indirectly?!! Any pain she is experiencing has been as a result of his actions! Jesus..... He doesn't get to play the sympathy card, indirectly or not. He had no right to enter into a relationship and have a child if he was lying to her about his sexuality and don't bother trying to say that just because he didn't reveal it he wasn't actually lying. I cannot believe the naivete of some people.

prinz · 10-07-2009 05:09PM

Moomoo1 wrote: »

in a world without prejudice, yes. But in our world, I don't see why someone should admit to being bisexual when they think it may act adversely on his relationship. As long as he genuinly loves and feels attracted to the OP, why should he admit that he likes men also?

Surely you want to be loved for who and what you are? Not who and what you want people to see you as? By that logic you should never tell your OH that you use prostitutes, are a junkie, have AIDS, cheat on them, have homicidal tendancies, are an alcoholic....etc etc etc

O Noes, I couldn't tell her that it might adversely affect the relationship!

Oh The Humanity · 10-07-2009 05:11PM

Moomoo1 wrote: »

in a world without prejudice, yes. But in our world, I don't see why someone should admit to being bisexual when they think it may act adversely on his relationship.

Because one person does not have the right to take another persons rights to decide away. That is the act of a sociopath, someone who has no conscience, acts in pure self interest at others expense and fails to recognise that other peoples rights are equal to theirs.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

As long as he genuinly loves and feels attracted to the OP, why should he admit that he likes men also?

Because it is her right to know and to choose if its a problem for her.

Its her right to make her own choices and not be manipulated for someone elses own selfish reasons to her detriment.

nmesisca · 10-07-2009 05:13PM

prinz wrote: »

Surely you want to be loved for who and what you are? Not who and what you want people to see you as? By that logic you should never tell your OH that you use prostitutes, are a junkie, have AIDS, cheat on them, have homicidal tendancies, are an alcoholic....etc etc etc

O Noes, I couldn't tell her that it might adversely affect the relationship!

see how many girls would NOT even go out with a bi guy and you probably understand why most decide not to say it in the first place. apparently is a deal breaker.
and comparing to junkies etc is just silly.

prinz · 10-07-2009 05:16PM

nmesisca wrote: »

see how many girls would NOT even go out with a bi guy and you probably understand why most decide not to say it in the first place. apparently is a deal breaker.
and comparing to junkies etc is just silly.

That's not my problem is it? First you say O it's societies fault he couldn't come clean, now it's o it's in his own personal interest not to come clean... why is comparing it to a closet junkie silly if it's something that was kept hidden from a partner until years down the line...?

PLUS you're confusing the issue. if it was another woman/women I'd be saying the same thing.

Silverfish · 10-07-2009 05:18PM

Guys, if you want to debate it, please start a thread in Humanities.

The OP is looking for advice.

LegacyUser · 10-07-2009 05:19PM

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

I 100% agree with you. Well said.

Thanks Oh The Humanity. I just can't believe that people think this guy has the right to hide what is a massive secret from his girlfriend. All of this "world without prejudice" rubbish.....it is not prejudicial of the OPs girlfriend if she decides she, very understandably, does not wish to be in a long term relationship with someone who is bisexual. It is her right. And as for, setting boundaries....MooMoo - I'm sure that finding naked pics of other people on your wife's phone would have you setting boundaries as your first response....Good god. Can you not see the lies and deceit that this man is engaged in??

Oh The Humanity · 10-07-2009 05:19PM

nmesisca wrote: »

see how many girls would NOT even go out with a bi guy and you probably understand why most decide not to say it in the first place. apparently is a deal breaker.
and comparing to junkies etc is just silly.

He might just be straight up gay and not bi at all. Anyway its irrelevant whether its hard for bi guys to find partners.

That falls under 'tough sh1t' -Life is hard Beavis, get over it. EVERYONE finds stuff hard in life, everyone has crosses to bear, it doesn't give us impunity to use and abuse other people through self pity.

To be gay/bisexual and to use someone as a cover is in an inexcusable violation of their rights. End of.

The self-pity of people who do this moves me not one jot.

LegacyUser · 10-07-2009 05:35PM

Silverfish wrote: »

Guys, if you want to debate it, please start a thread in Humanities.

The OP is looking for advice.

Sorry - was just trying to relate my own experiences. OP - I hope you're ok. My advice to you is to get out of the relationship. It won't change. It cannot if he is in denial about his sexuality. You will cope and so will your baby. You don't have to tell anyone why the relationship is over, just that it has ended. It is nobody's business. As I said before, nobody knows why my relationship ended and they never will. But you need to look after yourself and your baby and put the two of you first. Something that he clearly is not willing to do. Think what you would advice a friend to do in this situation?

LegacyUser · 10-07-2009 10:48PM

Unregistered wrote: »

Sorry - was just trying to relate my own experiences. OP - I hope you're ok. My advice to you is to get out of the relationship. It won't change. It cannot if he is in denial about his sexuality. You will cope and so will your baby. You don't have to tell anyone why the relationship is over, just that it has ended. It is nobody's business. As I said before, nobody knows why my relationship ended and they never will. But you need to look after yourself and your baby and put the two of you first. Something that he clearly is not willing to do. Think what you would advice a friend to do in this situation?

I whole heartedly concur with this, as someone who expended a lot of emotional effort into tryin to understand this to no avail and ended up bein further ripped of i advise you to make plans to create an enviroment or your dauhter which does not include acceptin the ununderstandable from your partner. put yourself and your dauhter first and leave him off, he will do nothin but take.

et somewhere where you can just relax with your baby without this man and his drama and selfish demands.

shanejunkin · 11-07-2009 12:04AM

Saucey-Susie wrote: »

i dont think he is gay but more so curious. just wondering what its like, flirting with the men to see what happens

i honestly dont know what i would do in your situation. i know you have a child so you really want it to work and if he says he will stop with the texts and pictures and websites, give it a go and see if he can do it. if he slips up, you will have to move on unfortunately

i hope it works out for you

It's very unlikely that a straight man would flirt with other men out of curiosity. It's extremely unlikely that one would flirt with other men out of curiosity over five years!

I wouldn't accuse a guy of being gay if he looked up a gay porn site, or flicked around a few videos out of curiosity. I suspect curiosity would be satisified very quickly for a straight guy. Exploring it wouldn't go on and on, the images are repulsive to a straight man.

In this case, the actual interaction between real gay men is likely a sign that this guy is harbouring some level of homosexuality. He may never have acted physically on it though.

The only other possible explanation is if he has some psychological issue. He may dabble in a prohibited behavior, life flirting with men, in a similar way as a child throw a tantrum. It could be a very strange sulk. The girl who posted this query could try to see if there is something common that may have sparked this behavior on each occasion. If there is something, like a fight between the two of you, a parent interfering with something or some bullying issue in work you may have found the spark for a psychological problem.

If you can't find any pattern, I'm afraid it seems that he's a latent homosexual. Sorry.

shanejunkin · 11-07-2009 12:24AM

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Gay: adj. Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex.

If you have sex with persons of the same sex you are gay irrelevant of your motivations.

We as individuals do not get to decide what gay means for us. There is an absolute definition in the dictionary. If you have sex with another of the same sex then you are gay.

Excellently put....

shanejunkin · 11-07-2009 12:58AM

Unregistered wrote: »

Apologies but I have to reply unregistered.Im a regular user of boards but think ill stay anon for this one. I met my man when i was 18 im now 31. We got married when I was 23 in 2001 & had 2 wonderful little kids. In 2006 I discovered my husband was gay. Same thing I discovered a phone bill which should have been free but was €180. I checked online & found thousands of messages. On checking it further they were to another man. I confronted him & of course denied it. The excuses were something else - he was being stalked by this weirdo, he was this, he was that. As you can imagine I was fit for the mental ward. Something in my head was not adding up. As the a/c holder I was able to check further into the bill & found a voicemail had been left. I dialed into it & wham Bam there it was. He still continued to deny it. I made him leave & moved out with the babies. It was only further on I found this had been going on for 6 months. I found a file on my lap top of pictures that were horrific.

My mental state was so bad after this. I was convinced something I had done made him gay. I could turn men gay. I suffered severe depression & ended up seeing a councellor for a 2 years.

Im now fantastic. I could have stayed & tried to work on my marriage but why. I had never strayed, I worked damn hard as well as raising 2 babies. Im glad I didnt. He now has no interest in his children. Has a new girlfriend - I know we all have questioned that one. But he is the one in total denial.

I have a new life. I have a new partner who loves me more than my supposed husband ever did. My children adore him. I will never tell them what daddy did. I take a lot of the brunt as they see me as having taken them away from their dad. But I feel its for the best for them. I dont ever want them bullied in school for something he has done.But I still have that 1 question .... Why ?????

Fair play to you, sounds like you did the correct and brave thing.

By the way, I've had a few girlfriends who were horrible, liers, cheats etc etc but I never once considered getting off with a few guys for a change, to see how I get on!! A woman never has to worry whether she turned a guy gay, it's impossible.

shanejunkin · 11-07-2009 01:10AM

unregistered wrote: »

I feel sympathetic more than critical of gay guys in sham marriages from before the time when homosexuality became more socially acceptable. People can't help the way they're wired. From your posts it seems like your bf comes from a background where it is similarly prohibitive to be homosexual.

Shouldn't ruin a girl's life by marrying her to cover up his own sexuality. There's no sympathy for that, that's just selfish and manipulative. If a guy doesn't like being gay, he should just stay single (no girls), make up a few girlfriends here and there and knock off guys in secret. That way no one gets hurt and he can keep his own reputation intact.

shanejunkin · 11-07-2009 01:25AM

OP... you could try set him up. Set up a profile on one/all of the sites, wait to see if he shows up online. If he does engage in the texts and try arrange a meeting.

That'd be hard obviously, but at least you wouldn't have to wait another five years to find out that he's still at it. Catching him again as soon as possible will make the decision easier for you, simple I would suspect.

You could hire a PI either to trace his movements, pricey but might be worth it.

JamesAlex · 11-07-2009 04:23AM

i don't think he is gay, but give him a break, not everyone is 100% hetro, doesn't mean you swing the other way

RosieQI · 13-07-2009 12:03AM

Hi all,
I just thought I'd update everyone as to what's happening since most people were very kind to take time out to give their honest advice. Most people have showed more concern for me in their posts than he has in the past 3 weeks since I found out about all this.

I have spoken to a councellor myself as this is literally eating away at me, i had to get answers that he just could n't give me or to be honest that i just found hard to believe almost 3 weeks ago.

Firstly he's more than likely not gay ... i know how this sounds i did n't wnat to believe it myself. I'm a very black and white person, if a man is texting other men and looking for and sending on naked photos of men...gay, apparently not, it really is a buzz or a thrill some men get, an unexplored area, prohibited that they will never go through with. Some posted have said this and I've gotten a lot of pms from guys with similar stories who've been very honest but also say that there are no gay feelings involved.

He has never deleted a text off his phone since last year or any emails for years (first i knew about this email address though), or the history on the computer, he does not look at gay porn, it's just chatrooms etc that he goes into. However, what he was saying in them kills me, he's 31 and was emailing a 68 year old man asking him what he was into, how am i supposed to look at him after that especially, giving out his mobile that a lot of people have (was a work mobile) and then saving a picture of himself (face) on his phone and while he was asked for it a week earlier and had not actually sent it (never deletes anything in his sent items) i think it might only have been a matter of time, again councellor disagrees. The worst thing was signing up to a new site while i was in hospital (when he knew things were n't going right and an emergency caesarian was on the cards, which is what happened in the end).
Apparently you don't have to be gay to do indulge in this behavour... I don't know but I don't want other women in similar predicaments to write off a relationship based on ours and whatever curiosity their boyfs may have. At the end of the day, I understand curiousity but 5 years .... apparently it can become an addiction.

I really don't believe he has cheated physically, i'm not sure he ever would but he has cheated emotionally on me, men or women it does n't matter he was supposed to be in a relationship with me, i trusted him 100% and i know he trusted me too but he betrayed that trust and thought nothing of it or me.

At the end of the day the thing that pushed me over the edge were a few promises he made to me when i found this out, i satyed awake for over 30 hours crying and screaming at him for the years of lies. This went for a few more days but i stayed, i was trying to put out of my mind the things he was looking at and the things he was saying once that was it and i did believe he would n't do it again. he promised me he'd go to councelling (his idea not mine) plus a few other things but never went through with one of them, not a thing changed. He's written me a letter hoping i'll stay and work things through because i know things are worth working for but he expects the work to be one sided, there was no work on his part, Now if the biggest and worst thing you did to your partner would n't you at least do everything you could think of in the days after to keep them ... not him. He said he was too ashamed and embarrassed to go to the councellor, but that's him all over his feelings obviously come before mine and our baby. To me if he could break this promise to me straight away it's just a matter of time with him before he breaks the rest, he knew the trust was gone so why make that even worse by not following through on the promises he was making me.

I don't know how to describe this man to you, but i can just sum it up as there is no goodness in him, even when i cried my heart out it was about him and how ashamed he was, how he felt. I could go through a million stories over the years, they don't sum up our entire relationship but it shows he's selfish to the core. This is probably part bitterness on my part but more a reality check. He has no empathy for others or what they go through yet he expects me to understand this?

So my point of this email is I left him Friday night, he's gone away for a stag and won't be back until tomorrow and does n't know (i'm sure he's much happier with 30 men anyway!). I have n't replied to the 2 texts and 1 missed call all weekend! I know he knows something's up, but he won't try to find out in case it interferes with him enjoying his weekend, this is how he thinks I know him.
I've moved home with my parents (cringe!) but I have a house of my own too that I'm giving the tenants notice and will move into. Everything we have is now in my parents bedroom and he'll come back to an empty house tomorrow, which and I don't care how this sounds is what he deserves. He has n't the goodness in him to put his family first, his new baby or anyone else's feelings. i look his friend/godfather to be, single and doting on our child and he has no girl in his life and would give anything for what he has (not the me part!) and then he gets it all instead but does n't deserve it.

So bitterness over for now, i'm defintely going through the angry phaze but I have n't cried a tear since i left (that's amazing for me), i'm actually happier than i have been for a long time as while he will always be in my daughter's life he is finally out of mine. We'll never be friend he does n't deserve that and now finally i see we were just never meant to be.

Take care all,

Rose

loloray · 13-07-2009 12:05AM

*hug*

Zaph · 13-07-2009 12:29AM

Threads merged

Taltos · 13-07-2009 08:42AM

loloray wrote: »

*hug*

+1
I know this feels tough for you right now - but in the long run I really believe you made the right choice.
If I and my OH had an issue as big as this there is no way in hell I would go to a Stag...

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

You are an absolute star and a gem and you deserve so much better than this "curious" P****.

Oh The Humanity · 13-07-2009 10:43AM

Hi Rosie, You are so brave. Reading about his actions and indifference since it all broke is sort of chilling. I think you are right, he has no empathy and is selfish to the core. You had no choice, Im glad you wont be living with him any more.

I really hope that things will now settle down and you can just enjoy your baby. I cant believe the timing of the man to do this to you.

Anyway, I really wish you and your little daughter all the very best.

Take care xx

JamesAlex · 13-07-2009 12:20PM

hugs and all that, but I still think she is overreacting. He didn't cheat on you, physicaly or emotionally. He didn't even send pictures of himself. He met a few people in an online chat room and trolled them, so what? I seriously think that this is a typical female reaction to this situation, always looking for the worst.

I would kick him out if you can honestly say to yourself, I have never flirted with another man, he was just doing the same.

Google the word trolling and baiting and you will find out that what he is doing is more out of comedic value rather then sexual gratification. Calm down, you are only saying he is selfish now because you as you put it yourself are in the anger stage.

Would you mind if he was looking at normal straight porn on the internet or would that be emotionally cheating too.

IMHO you are throwing away a relationship over nothing. If you have been having problems with him for years, fine break up, but dont let this be the deciding factor.

JamesAlex · 13-07-2009 12:42PM

sunflower27 wrote: »

She's throwing it away? Get real. She asked him to go to a counsellor to try and understand what is going on and he was too embarassed. Shows how much he thinks of saving his family.

Oh, and then running off to a stag do leaving the OP feeling the way she was. Selfish to the core.

Typical female reaction my @rse!

why would he need to go to a councilor over baiting, is he supposed to not go to his friends stag weekend, is that how fights get resolved now?

How is this not a typical female reaction, I am almost certain if the situation was reversed he wouldn't care one iota.

clearly we need people to understand what he is doing is not sexual, he is only embarrassed because he was caught in what seems a lot worse then it is

prinz · 13-07-2009 12:51PM

JamesAlex wrote: »

is he supposed to not go to his friends stag weekend, is that how fights get resolved now?

Uhmm by communication and effort.......yes, that's how fights were always resolved. They were never resolved by running away and ignoring the problem

Moomoo1 · 13-07-2009 12:59PM

Well OP, you've made your choice, so good luck with it. I do however seem to gather that there's previous history here, that you felt that your feelings were never very well considered in this relationship and that made you unhappy about the whole thing even before his indisgression? The fact you are not feeling anything having moved out would certainly suggest that. I mean, the way you describe your OH's personality (selfish, uncaring, untrustworthy), it's a surprise you two lasted 5 days let alone 5 years, so my personal view is that there were previous 'cracks' in this.

As for not showing empathy, that's something I can relate to. I feel all the empathy in the world, but 99 times out of 100 seem totally unable to show it, mainly because when I see people I love distressed I panic and do nothing, or say something insincere. So whilst I do care for others' feelings I have a really hard time making them realise this. He may or may not be the same, I simply don't know.

LegacyUser · 13-07-2009 01:13PM

crustyjuggler wrote: »

He ' s as gay as Christmas .

LOL!

Must admit, I am a girl and like 'girl things' and would probably partake if I was single but I wouldn't really call myself bi, definately curious.

Think I would sooner my man look at men than other women though lol

Moomoo1 · 13-07-2009 01:58PM

sunflower27 wrote: »

I think when he returns home though he is going to panic that the OP may tell family/friends why she has left. He may try and do a backtrack on the counselling then.

come on, that's cynical. Imagine your OH and child took off whilst you were away on holiday: would that really be the first thought in your mind?

Some people just don't like counselling period. Find it cringeworthy, pointless and invasive. Face it, a councellor is just a poor substitute for a friend that you can share secrets with.

Moomoo1 · 13-07-2009 02:11PM

Unregistered wrote: »

And as for, setting boundaries....MooMoo - I'm sure that finding naked pics of other people on your wife's phone would have you setting boundaries as your first response....Good god.

I assume you meant 'wouldn't' there. Well, when you love someone genuinly, you must be prepared to forgive them certain things (up to a point). And I am certainly prepared to do so.

If I found her doing that, I'd ask her to come clean and reassure her that whatever she said wouldn't have me walking away (that's the only way you can get someone to tell the truth). Then we'd thrash out some sort of agreement that satisfies both sides. This is the only way you can do those things really.

prinz · 13-07-2009 02:14PM

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I assume you meant 'wouldn't' there. Well, when you love someone genuinly, you must be prepared to forgive them certain things (up to a point). And I am certainly prepared to do so.

....you mean the point he has already passed for the vast majority of people posting here? So for you to decide where the OP's point of no forgiveness is is a bit rich tbh.

Moomoo1 · 13-07-2009 02:26PM

sunflower27 wrote: »

A counsellor is not a poor substitute for a friend

I understand some people dont like it, but at the expense of possibly losing your family I'd imagine most people would get over the 'shame' factor pretty quickly. Especially when there is a new baby.

The guy wasnt interested in going to counselling and despite how the OP was feeling, he still went off on his stag party!

I may seem cynical to you, fine.

I don't think there is such thing as 'most people' here. Going to a councellor is a massive step for someone who is not used to doing so. I know I would be far too ashamed to ever do it, and even if someone gave me an ultimatum I would still attempt to delay going as far as I could. Plus, he may not have realised the real seriousness of the OP's desire to leave him.

As for being cynical, the reason I said that is that you (and some others) interpret every single action of the OP's OH negatively. No matter what he does he gets labelled as 'selfish, self-centered, only thinking about his feelings'. I bet that if he comes back home today and starts begging for the OP to come back, he'd be labelled as 'selfish'. If he says 'screw this' and walks away, he'd also be labelled as 'selfish'!

Is my boyfriend gay?

Comments