Is my boyfriend gay?

RosieQI · 08-07-2009 05:51PM

oh the humanity, i'm not from this town, i'm from a different county, just moved here when we has our baby. To be really honest I don't care what people think of me, yes i would be embarrased and ashamed but i could still look people in the eye, i have n't done anything wrong. I won't and don't live my life worying about what the neighbours think, they can think what they want of me, but it's har when we have a family now. I said i was smug but not like that, I was smug knowing we were happy.

It's not easy, this can't get out because he'll be ruined. Seriously, that's what this town is like, everyone knows everything about everone! He'll have no friends, no family that will ever talk to him again. His parents are in their 60s and what would it do to them. No matter what anyone thinks about him, I cannot ruin their lives or my daughters. She'll go through school and her life with people commenting about her dad. that's not fair on her or any of his family who really are quite close.

When i first found out, i wanted to ring his best friends and his sister and tell them what he is, i was so angry and hurt and wanted him to feel a pinch of what he put me through, but this isn't possible, whatever he had done i cannot ruin his life and yes at the moment i feel like he has ruined mine.

Wibbs · 08-07-2009 05:51PM

The next poster who uses some daft simile, such as "gay as insert cliche here" is getting banned. Last warning.

Moomoo1 · 08-07-2009 05:54PM

RosieQI wrote: »

Thanks to everyone, i need someone else's insight as I have nobody to talk to. I have great friends, but I can't have this getting out. We live in a small town where everyone knows him. He uses to play for the local football team, goes to mass on Sunday etc. It's a laugh actually and behind closed doors this is what he's up to.

I really only found out about this 2 weeks ago and have been devasted since. All the history of these websites is up on our laptop. He does n't appear to ever have visited any gay websites or gay porn sites, just sites that have chatrooms for men. It seems it was only email for years until last year when he started giving out his mobile number to a few of these guys.
I agree about the picture though, i keep thing why go to the effort of taking a picture of himself if he waqs never going to send it?

In a way he's kind of homophobic, not in a violent way nor would he ever say anything to anyone but he does n't like gay guys (have a gay friend - and no it's not cause he knows him!!). Of course isn't this a sign that he probably is gay.

He says he gets a buzz out of all of this, that's it's just curiosity about these guys but he's not curious as to what it would be like to be with one of them?? I can't unserstand this as it's not something i would ever do and don't understand how a straight man would ever want to be curious about this. And how is he still curious after 5 years? Surely the curiosity would be well gone by now? And when does it go to the next stage of curiosity, how far will he take this?

I'd say he is bisexual. Frankly, I think the problem is that he is in contact with other people behind your back: whether they are men or women is irrelevant.

It's really up to you what you consider cheating. Some people would consider this cheating, and some wouldn't (there was some guy on here who got dumped for exchanging explicit messages with a different girl of Facebook for example). You need to decide for yourself what constitutes cheating in your mind and what does not, and tell him.

So I'd set him a boundary (eg: he can go into chatrooms and view pictures of men, but he cannot post his or contact people directly) and make him adhere to it.

Abi · 08-07-2009 06:13PM

It doesnt matter whether its men or women hes in touch with, its hardly the behaviour of a doting father / bf. Giving out his number and emailing these guys.. The whole scenario is rather odd to say the least.

I wouldn't really be happy with his explanation of things. If it were me, I'd telling him I was leaving unless he came clean.

Although, a lot of people have bi-sexual tendancies that they don't own up to, or even act upon. Maybe this is the case here, and you also have to decide if that is something you are comfortable with. There is a whole lot of talking that has to be done here

Pete4779 · 08-07-2009 06:19PM

Saucey-Susie wrote: »

i dont think he is gay but more so curious. just wondering what its like, flirting with the men to see what happens

Curious about looking at other men naked *sort of* makes you a bit gay though, in a way that generally straight men do not repeatedly, for years, have gay porn on their phones, join gay websites, etc., .

The dilemma is really not about the relationship, which will likely end anyway (because if it was straight porn and he was giving his number out, you'd have dumped his ass already) , but rather what is the best possible outcome for the child and how the parents can work around it.

2xj3hplqgsbkym · 08-07-2009 06:21PM

Yes it sounds like he is gay or bi-sexual. Maybe he denies it because he hasn't admitted it to himself yet?
If he had pictures of naked girls on his phone would you put up with it?
If he chatted up girls and gave his number to them, would you put up with it?

I think you need to take a big, brave step and end the relationship. He can still be part of your childs life and can be a great dad, but it sounds like he is not being true to you or himself and your child will sense this as he gets older. Good luck

Mr Benevolent · 08-07-2009 07:27PM

A gay man only marries a woman for one reason. To use her as a cover. He will say ANYTHING at the moment to preserve his nice cushy life where he has his cake and eats it too.

Bingo. Turf him.

illgetyourcoat · 08-07-2009 07:30PM

sounds very much like hes gay or Bi, at the very least BI-curious

Vanbis · 08-07-2009 07:42PM

RosieQI wrote: »

BTW he has swore he will never do it again because then I will go, no doubt about it. he also swore he's get councelling and 2 weeks on he's made no attempt to meet a councellor?? Lie after lie I suppose basically.

If you believe you this then then i would think more fool you ( maybe a bit harsh ). How many times have we all heard this before? It certainly sounds like he is either Gay or Bisexual but maybe to proud to admit this and also with a baby would make it much harder especially if he knew long before the baby arrived ( 5years he has being doing this ). You need to be the stonger person here and if it has upset you and you have serious doubts which it does sound even after saying he was going to go to a councellor and talk but two weeks later he still hasn't done anything about it. If he has be doing this for over 5years then i think he has probably done a lot more then just e-mails i am sorry to say. If you have any doubts about him being serious then you need to be the stronger person and move on.

Galadriel · 08-07-2009 08:03PM

I don't think it is as black and white as you are gay, bi or straight; just because a guy looks at pictures of a guy naked does not mean he is gay (in my opinion) people (men and women) get turned on by all sorts of things that they might be embarrassed about.

However, the issue here is not if they were pictures of a man or a woman, it is if he is cheating on her or not. He is chatting with someone else outside of his relationship and exchanging pictures with them, to me that is wrong and is cheating.

OP you need to get him to be 100% honest with you, does he realise that you are thinking of leaving him? Maybe it is that he gets excited by pictures of guys, again in my opinion that is ok but it's the chatting with people on sites, exchanging numbers, I think there is more to this then he is telling you, it could be he is highly embarrassed to admit he gets sexual kicks from it or it could be more. I don't think you will be able to move past this until he admits his feelings to you 100%.

King of Kings · 08-07-2009 08:23PM

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Gay: adj. Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex.

If you have sex with persons of the same sex you are gay irrelevant of your motivations.

We as individuals do not get to decide what gay means for us. There is an absolute definition in the dictionary. If you have sex with another of the same sex then you are gay.

i disagree - it's quite possible to have sex with a man and not be attracted to them (e.g prison situation ) and thus not be gay.
you need to be attracted to men to be gay.

but i think the bf is gay and living a lie, a brief flirt online and I could agree him may be just fooling about but 5 years.

and not for one minute OP should you think he hasn't hooked up with anybody from these sites. 5 years is a lot of flirtation I doubt there has been no resultant action.

metamorphosis · 08-07-2009 09:42PM

He has they ghey

On a serious note though I think you need to open your eyes and be objective because no straight guy would be doing what he is doing.

Gay/bi - sexual ... whichever but defo not straight. And if he was happy in a relationship he wouldnt feel the need to do it either.

LegacyUser · 08-07-2009 09:51PM

You say you're worried what it would do to his reputation if news about this got out in your town. However if you did split up, surely it's nobody business but yours as to the reasons why. So why would anybody in the town need to know what he is getting up to unless you tell them? Dont use this as a reason not to leave him.

[Jackass] · 08-07-2009 09:52PM

There's NO WAY he'd be doing this for 5 years and be in so deep (pardon the pun?) if he didn't:

A) Get a sexual thrill out of it. FACT!

and

Had SOME intention on experimenting on it.

I don't know. You have a baby girl. I'd give him another chance, you do sound like you love him too, but this sh*t has to stop.

I mean one more thing like this, and walk away, but do give him another chance, he sounds like a decent guy (other than this stuff) and treats you well, and your daughter deserves giving it a chance to have a happy home with her mother and father.

Don't feel like a fool, because you're certainly not one, but try to forgive and try to give him another chance. Trust him to stop, make it clear if he does it again, you're gone forever, but don't be confrontational, just tell him you don't want that, you want it the way it was before all of that, and try and build things back up again. It may take a while, but if it's worth fighting for, then do it, and he fuc*ked up BIG TIME, but sometimes it takes being caught doing something wrong before you can actually acknowledge just how wrong it was and how it affects somebody else and what's at stake.

Let him have his wakeup call...if he does it again though, it's pack the bags time. You'd be a fool to stay with him if he did it again, but not now if you want to give things a chance.

Moomoo1 · 09-07-2009 12:34AM

RosieQI wrote: »

He has always been a good boyfriend, he has never cheated on me and I know this for a fact. But now I feel so betrayed and I do think he has cheated on me in a way. I cannot get over the fact that it has been men he’s been texting and it’s photos of men that he is looking at. It makes me sick. I had a difficult birth that ended up being a caesarean Section, while I was in hospital he signed himself up to yet another website??? Seriously what does this say about a person??

it can say anything really. But you have to take this in conjunction with the other things he has been and has done to you. Someone who has been very good to you (according to you) for 5 years deserves to be forgiven certain things.

RosieQI wrote: »

He has begged me to stay and I have but I feel so lost, I feel like a fool and I am not a weak person but I must be to stay with him.

I think you've made the right choice. Leaving him would be cutting off your nose to spite your face: yes you'd punish him for his indisgression but you'd hurt yourself equally badly.

RosieQI wrote: »

He says it will never happen again but how am I to trust him and how can I ever look at him the same again?

you trust him because you've trusted him up to now.

RosieQI wrote: »

I just need to know why he’s doing this and am I just a fool and is he actually gay?

bisexual.

RosieQI wrote: »

I’ve always thought it’d be so easy to leave someone who has hurt me this much, but I can’t seem to. I’m fine and smug to see the bad in other people’s boyfriends who treat them badly saying if it was me I’d be gone and then something this unbelievable happens and I’ve stayed. I’m hoping if people just tell me I’m a fool, I’ll actually get strong enough to do it.

of course you can't seem to, because you cannot just take one isolated incident and judge a 5-year relationship on it. When you criticised other people's boyfriends, you may not have been aware of the good things they did for their partners, just the bad ones. In this case, things are (clearly) different.

RosieQI wrote: »

He says he gets a buzz out of all of this, that's it's just curiosity about these guys but he's not curious as to what it would be like to be with one of them?? I can't unserstand this as it's not something i would ever do and don't understand how a straight man would ever want to be curious about this. And how is he still curious after 5 years? Surely the curiosity would be well gone by now? And when does it go to the next stage of curiosity, how far will he take this?

The way I'd see it is this: he feels attracted to men. But he cannot actually act on this, since he's in a relationship. So instead he does this: probably he has convinced himself that it is 'not being unfaithful', whereas going further would be. The fact that he made no real moves to make sure you wouldn't discover his surfing record on the computer would certainly point to that conclusion.

I might be way off here. But you cannot assume someone cheated on you unless you know it for a fact. Equally, you cannot assume that someone is going to cheat on you.

Taltos · 09-07-2009 08:24AM

Moomoo1 wrote: »

But you cannot assume someone cheated on you unless you know it for a fact. Equally, you cannot assume that someone is going to cheat on you.

He might not have physically cheated - but emotionally???
Come on - emotionally he is way off the range...

Moomoo1 · 09-07-2009 10:28AM

Taltos wrote: »

He might not have physically cheated - but emotionally???
Come on - emotionally he is way off the range...

perhaps. But you cannot assume that it all went further than he says until you know for sure that it did.

prinz · 09-07-2009 10:31AM

Moomoo1 wrote: »

perhaps. But you cannot assume that it all went further than he says until you know for sure that it did.

Of course she can. He's already shattered her trust in him.. why would he deserve it now? He's lived a lie for 5 years tbh... taking his word for it now would be the last thing on my mind.

Moomoo1 · 09-07-2009 10:33AM

prinz wrote: »

Of course she can. He's already shattered her trust in him.. why would he deserve it now? He's lived a lie for 5 years tbh... taking his word for it now would be the last thing on my mind.

because that's how it is. You cannot accuse someone of X unless you know for sure X has actually happened.

prinz · 09-07-2009 10:45AM

Moomoo1 wrote: »

because that's how it is. You cannot accuse someone of X unless you know for sure X has actually happened.

Why not?

He divested himself of the benefit of doubt. People are accused of things every minute of every day, based on the precept of reasonable doubt.

Taltos · 09-07-2009 10:51AM

Moomoo1 wrote: »

because that's how it is. You cannot accuse someone of X unless you know for sure X has actually happened.

Moomoo1 - he has betrayed her trust.
He has been playing around at a min in his head...
Come on - the physical act if it has not happened would just be the clincher.

What is the difference to this situation and the folk out there on-line dating but never meeting up - while their partners continue on oblivious.

Either way - this guy - while carrying around photos of naked men or women and here is the big part - communicating with them - receiving personal images... Has Been Cheating.

Back to the OP though - still say he is Gay or Bi. But definitely not straight.
You need to get some straight answers from him one way or another - personally I would believe that your whole relationship is based upon a lie - hard but not impossible to recover from - but can you ever trust him again???

littlesmile · 09-07-2009 10:57AM

I don't think that he is a guy, sometimes people have weird thoughts in their heads..But to leave with the guy, knowing things like this about him...don't know, very difficult i should say. I would advice you to talk with him about it, if you want to save your marriage of course..

Oh The Humanity · 09-07-2009 11:06AM

prinz wrote: »

Why not? He divested himself of the benefit of doubt. People are accused of things every minute of every day, based on the precept of reasonable doubt.

I agree, blind faith in the face of solid evidence is stupidity.

OP, Im glad to hear you wont make choices based on what people think.

I think with a new baby in the house this is the last thing that you need. Although isnt it strange that this flurry of online activity has surfaced at this particular time, when you need him the most.

Only you can decide whether to remain in the relationship or not. People who are saying 'forgive him' seem to be forgetting this wont be a one off. No one can resist temptation indefinitely.

Is this how it is going to be every time you are vulnerable and need him. You were giving birth and he was thinking of his dick?

What about the rest of your life and your daughters life. Raising kids is hard and you need to feel you are part of a team, not carrying weak passengers who are going to pull you under emotionally just when you need it least.

Your daughter is 2 weeks old and look at the start in life he has created for her Mother. He has you devastated. And yet his only interest is preserving the status quo for himself, he has fallen over himself to pretend that the impossible is possible, that black is white and night is day.

You are trying to make sense of his nonsense. When you should be doing NOTHING ELSE except enjoying your new daughter, that fool has given you this cross to carry. Nice.

He is selfish to the core. Forgive him now and its a green light to continue, he has gotten away with it.

You are better than this and so is your daughter. If he begs and pleads you remember he is begging and pleading for HIMSELF. Not you or your daughter.

Believe me a short sharp pain now is a lot easier than a slow death over 20 years 'for the sake of the child'

You dont deserve this, neither does your daughter. He is in denial, he is trying to suck YOU into his denial. The things he says dont make sense because they are nonsense. Not because you need to learn to understand....

Get your strength together day by day and work twords your future without this user.

Moomoo1 · 09-07-2009 11:06AM

prinz wrote: »

Why not? He divested himself of the benefit of doubt. People are accused of things every minute of every day, based on the precept of reasonable doubt.

then why don't you just go ahead and accuse him of genocide and crimes against humanity? And every crime under the sun to boot?

You can't do that. If you only have evidence of him contacting men, you cannot go ahead and say 'oh he's been sleeping with men', because you've no evidence for that.

LegacyUser · 09-07-2009 11:07AM

Apologies but I have to reply unregistered.Im a regular user of boards but think ill stay anon for this one. I met my man when i was 18 im now 31. We got married when I was 23 in 2001 & had 2 wonderful little kids. In 2006 I discovered my husband was gay. Same thing I discovered a phone bill which should have been free but was €180. I checked online & found thousands of messages. On checking it further they were to another man. I confronted him & of course denied it. The excuses were something else - he was being stalked by this weirdo, he was this, he was that. As you can imagine I was fit for the mental ward. Something in my head was not adding up. As the a/c holder I was able to check further into the bill & found a voicemail had been left. I dialed into it & wham Bam there it was. He still continued to deny it. I made him leave & moved out with the babies. It was only further on I found this had been going on for 6 months. I found a file on my lap top of pictures that were horrific.

My mental state was so bad after this. I was convinced something I had done made him gay. I could turn men gay. I suffered severe depression & ended up seeing a councellor for a 2 years.

Im now fantastic. I could have stayed & tried to work on my marriage but why. I had never strayed, I worked damn hard as well as raising 2 babies. Im glad I didnt. He now has no interest in his children. Has a new girlfriend - I know we all have questioned that one. But he is the one in total denial.

I have a new life. I have a new partner who loves me more than my supposed husband ever did. My children adore him. I will never tell them what daddy did. I take a lot of the brunt as they see me as having taken them away from their dad. But I feel its for the best for them. I dont ever want them bullied in school for something he has done.But I still have that 1 question .... Why ?????

prinz · 09-07-2009 11:14AM

Moomoo1 wrote: »

then why don't you just go ahead and accuse him of genocide and crimes against humanity? And every crime under the sun to boot?

lol, do you know what reasonable doubt as a legal concept is and how it works? ffs.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

You can't do that. If you only have evidence of him contacting men, you cannot go ahead and say 'oh he's been sleeping with men', because you've no evidence for that.

I never did say that. I said there's a reasonable doubt that it could have happened or will happen in the future, and there's more than enough IMO to doubt his word that it hasn't happened already.:rolleyes:

Moomoo1 · 09-07-2009 11:15AM

Taltos wrote: »

Moomoo1 - he has betrayed her trust.
He has been playing around at a min in his head...
Come on - the physical act if it has not happened would just be the clincher.

What is the difference to this situation and the folk out there on-line dating but never meeting up - while their partners continue on oblivious.

Either way - this guy - while carrying around photos of naked men or women and here is the big part - communicating with them - receiving personal images... Has Been Cheating.

Back to the OP though - still say he is Gay or Bi. But definitely not straight.
You need to get some straight answers from him one way or another - personally I would believe that your whole relationship is based upon a lie - hard but not impossible to recover from - but can you ever trust him again???

give him a break mate - he is clearly confused about his sexuality and needs support and sympathy, not to be dumped out of the family nest at the first sign of trouble.

I agree that he has been inconsiderate and silly, but I really don't think that anything he did warrants the OP putting him and herself through a painful breakup of an otherwise healthy relationship. Sawing branches you are sitting on isn't very clever or mature.

prinz · 09-07-2009 11:17AM

Moomoo1 wrote: »

give him a break mate - he is clearly confused about his sexuality and needs support and sympathy, not to be dumped out of the family nest at the first sign of trouble.

I agree that he has been inconsiderate and silly, but I really don't think that anything he did warrants the OP putting him and herself through a painful breakup of an otherwise healthy relationship. Sawing branches you are sitting on isn't very clever or mature.

People who are confused about their sexuality =/= a healthy relationship.

Moomoo1 · 09-07-2009 11:21AM

prinz wrote: »

I never did say that. I said there's a reasonable doubt that it could have happened or will happen in the future, and there's more than enough IMO to doubt his word that it hasn't happened already.:rolleyes:

ok, fair enough. But I'd say that there is more than a reasonable doubt to suggest that nothing more happened.

LegacyUser · 09-07-2009 11:23AM

I think he's bisexual. To be honest I don't think that's a very big deal if he's attracted, loves and is faithful to you.

However, his contact with these other guys constitutes cheating. The same as if he was in contact with other women.

You deserve better.

Is my boyfriend gay?

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