Is my boyfriend gay?

RosieQI

Hi all, I’m a first time user and I need some serious advice or to be honest nearly abuse for what I have allowed to happen. I have been with my boyfriend a number of years and we have a new beautiful baby girl. 2 weeks ago I found texts on his phone to other men and naked pictures of men on his phone. He swears he is not gay and had no intention of doing anything with these men. This has been going on for 5 years (before we met). Every few months he goes on Irish gay websites and emails men. In some cases he hands out his mobile number and texts for a while. He received pictures from these men and saves them and sends them onto other men, None of the pictures in his sent items are actually pictures of him. I also found a profile picture of him. One guy requested a picture of him and he had this saved on his phone, it appeared he never sent this though. He says he does n’t know why he does this, he gets no kicks out of it sexually and he just wants to see how far the guys will take it. He has never met up with anyone nor does he ever intend to. He started on these websites after breaking up with his first girlfriend of 7 years and before we met.

He has always been a good boyfriend, he has never cheated on me and I know this for a fact. But now I feel so betrayed and I do think he has cheated on me in a way. I cannot get over the fact that it has been men he’s been texting and it’s photos of men that he is looking at. It makes me sick. I had a difficult birth that ended up being a caesarean Section, while I was in hospital he signed himself up to yet another website??? Seriously what does this say about a person??

He has begged me to stay and I have but I feel so lost, I feel like a fool and I am not a weak person but I must be to stay with him. He says it will never happen again but how am I to trust him and how can I ever look at him the same again? If it was n’t for our new baby I’d be gone. I’m not looking for sympathy I can leave, I have great support around me, I just need to know why he’s doing this and am I just a fool and is he actually gay? I’ve always thought it’d be so easy to leave someone who has hurt me this much, but I can’t seem to. I’m fine and smug to see the bad in other people’s boyfriends who treat them badly saying if it was me I’d be gone and then something this unbelievable happens and I’ve stayed. I’m hoping if people just tell me I’m a fool, I’ll actually get strong enough to do it.

Sorry about the rant, have nobody to talk to about this. I can’t have this get out, I’m so ashamed and I don’t want this getting out and my daughter growing up listening to these stories about her dad ( we live in a small place where everybody knows everybody).

kmart6

He must get some kind of thrill out of it if he's been doing it for 5 years! At the same time yoou have to ask yourself why you've but up with it for 5 years, instead of insisting it stop initailly instead of it continuing now to when you have a child with him.

You will have to give him an ultimatum....either stop completely or you and your daughter are going to be out of his life!

prinz

He's obviously getting some kick out of it/thrill from it or else he wouldn't be doing it. You don't spend 5 years doing something out of boredom and curiousity. You're not a fool. tbh it's time to lay down the law or issue an ultimatum. Tough but required IMO. On further reflection it's pretty much guaranteed he gets a sexual kick out of this.


lol snap kmart.

Saucey-Susie

i dont think he is gay but more so curious. just wondering what its like, flirting with the men to see what happens

i honestly dont know what i would do in your situation. i know you have a child so you really want it to work and if he says he will stop with the texts and pictures and websites, give it a go and see if he can do it. if he slips up, you will have to move on unfortunately

i hope it works out for you

Oh The Humanity

He is either gay or bisexual.

Taltos

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

He is either gay or bisexual.

After 5 yrs - this really makes the most sense.
Either he is in denial or it could be that he has convinced himself that he is not.
As a straight guy though I have no interest in viewing photos like this.

But to let you know - you have nothing to be ashamed about here. Nothing at all. Your OH has interests that are different to what you expect.
But I think for the sake of your relationship and his relationship with the child he needs to be encouraged to be honest - maybe not just with you but with himself.

Just be aware that this honesty might result in some bad consequences for your relationship. BUT - it might not - it could all work out really well.

At heart you just need to get to the heart of this activity. Maybe having a counsellor walk him thru this will help.

But just do not feel bad about this, upset, betrayed etc yes - but never ashamed.

crustyjuggler

He ' s as gay as Christmas .

messygirl

If a man looks at naked pictures of women he does so sexually,
if he is on a dating website he is on it for sexual kicks

If he does this with another person of either sex he is doing it for something,
i dont understand why this is an issue now and not 5 years ago or when you started having sex with him or when you got pregnant, why now?

if you wouldn't tolerate this behaviour if he was behaving this way to women (which im assuming you wouldn't because it is disrespectful) so why would tolerate it towards a member of eithr sex?!

sbsquarepants

Gayer than mardi gras

RosieQI

thanks for all the replies, sorry i probably was n't clear he says he's been doing this for 5 years but I never knew, i only found out 2 weeks ago. he emails and texts and i never look at his accounts. If i had known this from the start and before we had a baby i would have been gone in a flash, but it's very hard to leave now that i have a newborn.
He has said he gets a buzz out of this that he might get and send on the photos that he does n't look at them. To be honest I think i would n't have minded as much if they were women. Don't get me wrong I killed him and would too if they were women, but the thought of men and what he was saying to them, what he liked and what they liked was just sick as far as i was concerned. He says he would never have met anyone so why sign up for Irish sites? 2 weeks ago he was ashed for a picture of his face (for a change) and he took one and had it saved in his inbox. He says he was never going to send it. I'm just thinking it was just a matter of time, it seems for 5 years he has been texting and emailing men (happens for a day or 2 every few months) but when will he go a step further and satrt doing something? He says he's curious but not about being with men, more how far they'll take the texting etc. He gets some kind of buzz out of it that's not sexual apparently?? I know deep down I'm just fooling myself if I think I can ever be really happy with him again.

RosieQI

BTW he has swore he will never do it again because then I will go, no doubt about it. he also swore he's get councelling and 2 weeks on he's made no attempt to meet a councellor?? Lie after lie I suppose basically.

messygirl

Sorry I misunderstood your post, to tell the truth it sounds like he is definately at least curious, he may not be gay now but some day some situation might happen and... its hard to say really, especially with a kid involved, I think its just talk thigs through with him, decide what you want first, what you are prepared to put up with, how far you are willing to let his "curiosity" get the better of him, and how you will be able to deal with the aftermath of what happens if ye break up.
Do whats best for you and your daughter, and go with your gut.

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

prinz

RosieQI wrote: »

He has said he gets a buzz out of this that he might get and send on the photos that he does n't look at them. To be honest I think i would n't have minded as much if they were women. Don't get me wrong I killed him and would too if they were women, but the thought of men and what he was saying to them, what he liked and what they liked was just sick as far as i was concerned. He says he would never have met anyone so why sign up for Irish sites? 2 weeks ago he was ashed for a picture of his face (for a change) and he took one and had it saved in his inbox. He says he was never going to send it. I'm just thinking it was just a matter of time, it seems for 5 years he has been texting and emailing men (happens for a day or 2 every few months) but when will he go a step further and satrt doing something? He says he's curious but not about being with men, more how far they'll take the texting etc. He gets some kind of buzz out of it that's not sexual apparently?? I know deep down I'm just fooling myself if I think I can ever be really happy with him again.

You're not fooling yourself, he has taken care of that for you. Of course he was going to send the face pic. Just as matter of interest when he was telling men what he liked, what was he telling them he liked if you get me? He was hardly telling them he was straight but got a non-sexual buzz from leading them on...

gordotempo

.....

digital_d

Hi OP, Firstly, Sorry to hear of your problem - It's a really bad position to be in. Try to detach your self from the fact it is guys your B/F is contacting as that is only part of the issue TBH

There is a lot you have to deal with in this one, there are really two main things that would concern me:

The cheating aspect of what he did? Wether or not it was men or women, he's still be flirting with people behind your back

there is alos that he's not be been entirly honest or open with you about this aspect of his sexuality

And that what he has been doing hasn't really shown a lot of respect for you or the people he has been leading on.

Either of those take you back to the fact that what he has done, has quite badly damaged the trust you have in him, and having kept this from you it would be very had for you belive that it's just been chat, and just been flirting. Of course you only have his word for that, and you only have his word that it will never happen again, and naturally, what you have found out is going to make it hard for you to take his word for it.

I guess the thing that you have to do, is try to work out if you can rebuild the trust, or be happy in the relationship knowing that the trust that was once there isn't anymore. You probably need a bit of time to work at that and see if your relationsip can recover.

Good luck with it all. D

Oh The Humanity

gordotempo wrote: »

The first thing I want to say is that I am not gay! However, I sometimes have sex with gay men. I dont kiss them or do foreplay but I get a kick out of the sense of dominating or the sense that I'm humiliating another man. I know it's hard for most people to understand but I think its an Alpha male primitive instinct where I feel I'm the dominant male and hence more attractive to women. Thats the only way I can explain it and before anyone tries to tell me otherwise, I am not gay and more than likely neither is your bf.

Gay: adj. Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex.

If you have sex with persons of the same sex you are gay irrelevant of your motivations.

We as individuals do not get to decide what gay means for us. There is an absolute definition in the dictionary. If you have sex with another of the same sex then you are gay.

miss dove

Hi rosie, i read your posts and had to reply. I recently posted about a very similar issue, although we dont have any children. We are due to get married soon though, which meant I had to do a lot of soul searching. I/we have decided to stay together, although we both know it will take time to go back to the way we were etc. I'm like you, strong etc and the first to give advice to others, however, when the problem is at your own door, it isnt so easy! Only you can decide what to do for yourself and your wee baby girl. Ive decided I love him too much to throw away our relationship and that the fright of losing me is enough to make him never do that sort of thing again. Whether Im right or not, well, only time will tell, but I want to give it another try. It wont be easy, and I know that the memory of what he was doing/looking at etc will probably 'haunt' me but time will help to erase this. Thats what Im praying for anyway. Again, I could be fooling myself but its my choice and he knows that if it happens again, I wouldnt be as forgiving or secretive about it. I hope that whatever you decide, its the right choice for you and that it all works out for you. Thats what im praying for, for me too! You are welcome to PM me if you want, as I'm like you, I have no one to talk to about it.

LegacyUser

From reading your posts OP. Why on earth would a "straight" man send texts and pictures of himself to other men??
It is like saying I don't do drugs but I get a kick out of using them.
He was doing this because he enjoyed doing it.
You mentioned that you come from a very small area?
Many people stay in the closet and it seems to me this is what he does.
You also mentioned that he would go and get some councelling, what will this achieve?
I hope for your sake and the sake of your baby you can get this sorted and lead a happy life.

RosieQI

Sorry I seem to have deleted this thread. just signed up as a new user today! if you could re post your comments that would be very helpful as I have nobody to talk to. I have great friends, but I can't have this getting out. We live in a small town where everyone knows him. He uses to play for the local football team, goes to mass on Sunday etc. It's a laugh actually and behind closed doors this is what he's up to.

I really only found out about this 2 weeks ago and have been devasted since. All the history of these websites is up on our laptop. He does n't appear to ever have visited any gay websites or gay porn sites, just sites that have chatrooms for men. It seems it was only email for years until last year when he started giving out his mobile number to a few of these guys.

In a way he's kind of homophobic, not in a violent way nor would he ever say anything to anyone but he does n't like gay guys (have a gay friend - and no it's not cause he knows him!!).

He says he gets a buzz out of all of this, that's it's just curiosity about these guys but he's not curious as to what it would be like to be with one of them?? I can't unserstand this as it's not something i would ever do and don't understand how a straight man would ever want to be curious about this. And how is he still curious after 5 years? Surely the curiosity would be well gone by now? And whn does it go to the next stage of curiosity, how far will he take this?

enviro

The actions of your boyfriend are very strange, for a guy who is suppose to be straight. The happiness of yourself and your child is the most important thing so I think you need to think long and hard if you can put this behind you and move on. But the other problem is, will your boyfriend stop doing this?

prinz

RosieQI wrote: »

He does n't appear to ever have visited any gay websites or gay porn sites, just sites that have chatrooms for men. It seems it was only email for years until last year when he started giving out his mobile number to a few of these guys.
In a way he's kind of homophobic, not in a violent way nor would he ever say anything to anyone but he does n't like gay guys (have a gay friend - and no it's not cause he knows him!!).
He says he gets a buzz out of all of this, that's it's just curiosity about these guys but he's not curious as to what it would be like to be with one of them??

Ah the old homophobia, nothing like it to use as a cover for your closet. Why are you trying to convince yourself?

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

firaxis

he may not be gay but he may be contemplating escort work to raise cash. the pressure of having a baby etc in the current financial environment may have made him consider doing this

prinz

firaxis wrote: »

he may not be gay but he may be contemplating escort work to raise cash. the pressure of having a baby etc in the current financial environment may have made him consider doing this

It's been going on for 5 years.

Dark Stanley.

Yep, he's a shirt lifter. Bet he's as camp as a row of pink tents...........:rolleyes:

RosieQI

Thanks to everyone, i need someone else's insight as I have nobody to talk to. I have great friends, but I can't have this getting out. We live in a small town where everyone knows him. He uses to play for the local football team, goes to mass on Sunday etc. It's a laugh actually and behind closed doors this is what he's up to.

I really only found out about this 2 weeks ago and have been devasted since. All the history of these websites is up on our laptop. He does n't appear to ever have visited any gay websites or gay porn sites, just sites that have chatrooms for men. It seems it was only email for years until last year when he started giving out his mobile number to a few of these guys.
I agree about the picture though, i keep thing why go to the effort of taking a picture of himself if he waqs never going to send it?

In a way he's kind of homophobic, not in a violent way nor would he ever say anything to anyone but he does n't like gay guys (have a gay friend - and no it's not cause he knows him!!). Of course isn't this a sign that he probably is gay.

He says he gets a buzz out of all of this, that's it's just curiosity about these guys but he's not curious as to what it would be like to be with one of them?? I can't unserstand this as it's not something i would ever do and don't understand how a straight man would ever want to be curious about this. And how is he still curious after 5 years? Surely the curiosity would be well gone by now? And when does it go to the next stage of curiosity, how far will he take this?

LegacyUser

RosieQI wrote: »

He swears he is not gay and had no intention of doing anything with these men.

Lies. He is gay.

RosieQI wrote: »

He says he does n’t know why he does this, he gets no kicks out of it sexually and he just wants to see how far the guys will take it.

Lies. He is gay.

RosieQI wrote: »

[He has never met up with anyone nor does he ever intend to. He started on these websites after breaking up with his first girlfriend of 7 years and before we met.

Dont believe a word out of him. A gay man only marries a woman for one reason. To use her as a cover. He will say ANYTHING at the moment to preserve his nice cushy life where he has his cake and eats it too.

He says it will never happen again

Lies. It will. He will just become more careful.

RosieQI wrote: »

I just need to know why he’s doing this and am I just a fool and is he actually gay?

He is doing this because he is gay. You are not a fool but you will be if you dont turf him out.

Your posts are filled with a quest to understand but the simple facts although hard to digest at the moment will take some days and weeks to sink in.

My father also married my mother under false pretences and used her as a cover for many years. He thought nothing of sqandering her life for his own selfish ends. He clung on like a limpet until finally she managed to seperate from him. Coward.

People who do this are BONE SELFISH. There is nothing wrong with being gay but it does not give him a licence to use you because he is too cowardly to live his life honestly.

He will cling on and on and tell you all kinds of $hite to get you to stay. Dont listen to any of his cr@p. He is gay and that is the end of it.

I advise you to get the hell out of this 'relationship' as it is a total farce based on lies for his convenience.

enviro

OP how would you feel/ what action would you take, if you knew for sure he was gay?

Oh The Humanity

Rosie, what makes you think that people in the town dont know already. He managed to conceal it from you for 5 years but perhaps others are a little quicker on the uptake.....?

Dont hold this charade together just because you are afraid of what people will think.

At the end of the day people will have far more respect for a woman who has the balls to kick out a bloke who is just using her to hide his gayness.

Than for someone who will bury their head in the sand and play happy families just due to fear of what nosey neighbours might say.

Which is worse, people knowing he is gay and thinking you are weak for putting up with it or you standing up for yourself and kicking this toerag out where he belongs.

You seem to be clutching at straws in that you are listening to the tissue of lies and propeganda he is spouting and trying to make sense of it somehow. It is not going to make sense.

You talk about having been smug before to other peoples problems. If you are just afraid they will now turn around and laugh, well yes maybe they will. But so what, you will have to get through that because the alternative is to live the rest of your life as a lie.

DangerMouse27

God Rosie, i can only i imagine the turmoil in your head.
Ha ive so much time for anyone called Rosie coz its such a cool name!

Anyway im a 29 year old guy,not gay!
Your fella has issues but it might not be as straightforward as gay or not.I have a cousin who since he was 15 drew mens bits on paper! he drew them not as some fascination but because an old guy exposed himself to him.Maybe your fella has some skeletons in his closet that makes him curious like he did?

that said,the face pics are disturbing.Id be worried if say your sex life has seriously diminished since the birth of your child,then he could be at more than just texting.The implausable excuses seem like he was searching when he came up for answers as to why these were on his phone,could be just one big rabbit warren of lies?

You seem far too nice to have this happen to you.For the sake of your child and your own poor head you need closure.What will happen for intimacy issues with you two?

If he wont get help or do something,then send him the door.
If he wants you back,then at least he knows what he has to do.

RosieQI

oh the humanity, i'm not from this town, i'm from a different county, just moved here when we has our baby. To be really honest I don't care what people think of me, yes i would be embarrased and ashamed but i could still look people in the eye, i have n't done anything wrong. I won't and don't live my life worying about what the neighbours think, they can think what they want of me, but it's har when we have a family now. I said i was smug but not like that, I was smug knowing we were happy.

It's not easy, this can't get out because he'll be ruined. Seriously, that's what this town is like, everyone knows everything about everone! He'll have no friends, no family that will ever talk to him again. His parents are in their 60s and what would it do to them. No matter what anyone thinks about him, I cannot ruin their lives or my daughters. She'll go through school and her life with people commenting about her dad. that's not fair on her or any of his family who really are quite close.

When i first found out, i wanted to ring his best friends and his sister and tell them what he is, i was so angry and hurt and wanted him to feel a pinch of what he put me through, but this isn't possible, whatever he had done i cannot ruin his life and yes at the moment i feel like he has ruined mine.

Wibbs

The next poster who uses some daft simile, such as "gay as insert cliche here" is getting banned. Last warning.

Moomoo1

RosieQI wrote: »

Thanks to everyone, i need someone else's insight as I have nobody to talk to. I have great friends, but I can't have this getting out. We live in a small town where everyone knows him. He uses to play for the local football team, goes to mass on Sunday etc. It's a laugh actually and behind closed doors this is what he's up to.

I really only found out about this 2 weeks ago and have been devasted since. All the history of these websites is up on our laptop. He does n't appear to ever have visited any gay websites or gay porn sites, just sites that have chatrooms for men. It seems it was only email for years until last year when he started giving out his mobile number to a few of these guys.
I agree about the picture though, i keep thing why go to the effort of taking a picture of himself if he waqs never going to send it?

In a way he's kind of homophobic, not in a violent way nor would he ever say anything to anyone but he does n't like gay guys (have a gay friend - and no it's not cause he knows him!!). Of course isn't this a sign that he probably is gay.

He says he gets a buzz out of all of this, that's it's just curiosity about these guys but he's not curious as to what it would be like to be with one of them?? I can't unserstand this as it's not something i would ever do and don't understand how a straight man would ever want to be curious about this. And how is he still curious after 5 years? Surely the curiosity would be well gone by now? And when does it go to the next stage of curiosity, how far will he take this?

I'd say he is bisexual. Frankly, I think the problem is that he is in contact with other people behind your back: whether they are men or women is irrelevant.

It's really up to you what you consider cheating. Some people would consider this cheating, and some wouldn't (there was some guy on here who got dumped for exchanging explicit messages with a different girl of Facebook for example). You need to decide for yourself what constitutes cheating in your mind and what does not, and tell him.

So I'd set him a boundary (eg: he can go into chatrooms and view pictures of men, but he cannot post his or contact people directly) and make him adhere to it.

Abi

It doesnt matter whether its men or women hes in touch with, its hardly the behaviour of a doting father / bf. Giving out his number and emailing these guys.. The whole scenario is rather odd to say the least.

I wouldn't really be happy with his explanation of things. If it were me, I'd telling him I was leaving unless he came clean.

Although, a lot of people have bi-sexual tendancies that they don't own up to, or even act upon. Maybe this is the case here, and you also have to decide if that is something you are comfortable with. There is a whole lot of talking that has to be done here

Pete4779

Saucey-Susie wrote: »

i dont think he is gay but more so curious. just wondering what its like, flirting with the men to see what happens

Curious about looking at other men naked *sort of* makes you a bit gay though, in a way that generally straight men do not repeatedly, for years, have gay porn on their phones, join gay websites, etc., .

The dilemma is really not about the relationship, which will likely end anyway (because if it was straight porn and he was giving his number out, you'd have dumped his ass already) , but rather what is the best possible outcome for the child and how the parents can work around it.

2xj3hplqgsbkym

Yes it sounds like he is gay or bi-sexual. Maybe he denies it because he hasn't admitted it to himself yet?
If he had pictures of naked girls on his phone would you put up with it?
If he chatted up girls and gave his number to them, would you put up with it?

I think you need to take a big, brave step and end the relationship. He can still be part of your childs life and can be a great dad, but it sounds like he is not being true to you or himself and your child will sense this as he gets older. Good luck

Mr Benevolent

A gay man only marries a woman for one reason. To use her as a cover. He will say ANYTHING at the moment to preserve his nice cushy life where he has his cake and eats it too.

Bingo. Turf him.

illgetyourcoat

sounds very much like hes gay or Bi, at the very least BI-curious

Vanbis

RosieQI wrote: »

BTW he has swore he will never do it again because then I will go, no doubt about it. he also swore he's get councelling and 2 weeks on he's made no attempt to meet a councellor?? Lie after lie I suppose basically.

If you believe you this then then i would think more fool you ( maybe a bit harsh ). How many times have we all heard this before? It certainly sounds like he is either Gay or Bisexual but maybe to proud to admit this and also with a baby would make it much harder especially if he knew long before the baby arrived ( 5years he has being doing this ). You need to be the stonger person here and if it has upset you and you have serious doubts which it does sound even after saying he was going to go to a councellor and talk but two weeks later he still hasn't done anything about it. If he has be doing this for over 5years then i think he has probably done a lot more then just e-mails i am sorry to say. If you have any doubts about him being serious then you need to be the stronger person and move on.

Galadriel

I don't think it is as black and white as you are gay, bi or straight; just because a guy looks at pictures of a guy naked does not mean he is gay (in my opinion) people (men and women) get turned on by all sorts of things that they might be embarrassed about.

However, the issue here is not if they were pictures of a man or a woman, it is if he is cheating on her or not. He is chatting with someone else outside of his relationship and exchanging pictures with them, to me that is wrong and is cheating.

OP you need to get him to be 100% honest with you, does he realise that you are thinking of leaving him? Maybe it is that he gets excited by pictures of guys, again in my opinion that is ok but it's the chatting with people on sites, exchanging numbers, I think there is more to this then he is telling you, it could be he is highly embarrassed to admit he gets sexual kicks from it or it could be more. I don't think you will be able to move past this until he admits his feelings to you 100%.

King of Kings

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Gay: adj. Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex.

If you have sex with persons of the same sex you are gay irrelevant of your motivations.

We as individuals do not get to decide what gay means for us. There is an absolute definition in the dictionary. If you have sex with another of the same sex then you are gay.

i disagree - it's quite possible to have sex with a man and not be attracted to them (e.g prison situation ) and thus not be gay.
you need to be attracted to men to be gay.

but i think the bf is gay and living a lie, a brief flirt online and I could agree him may be just fooling about but 5 years.

and not for one minute OP should you think he hasn't hooked up with anybody from these sites. 5 years is a lot of flirtation I doubt there has been no resultant action.

metamorphosis

He has they ghey

On a serious note though I think you need to open your eyes and be objective because no straight guy would be doing what he is doing.

Gay/bi - sexual ... whichever but defo not straight. And if he was happy in a relationship he wouldnt feel the need to do it either.

LegacyUser

You say you're worried what it would do to his reputation if news about this got out in your town. However if you did split up, surely it's nobody business but yours as to the reasons why. So why would anybody in the town need to know what he is getting up to unless you tell them? Dont use this as a reason not to leave him.

[Jackass]

There's NO WAY he'd be doing this for 5 years and be in so deep (pardon the pun?) if he didn't:

A) Get a sexual thrill out of it. FACT!

and

Had SOME intention on experimenting on it.

I don't know. You have a baby girl. I'd give him another chance, you do sound like you love him too, but this sh*t has to stop.

I mean one more thing like this, and walk away, but do give him another chance, he sounds like a decent guy (other than this stuff) and treats you well, and your daughter deserves giving it a chance to have a happy home with her mother and father.

Don't feel like a fool, because you're certainly not one, but try to forgive and try to give him another chance. Trust him to stop, make it clear if he does it again, you're gone forever, but don't be confrontational, just tell him you don't want that, you want it the way it was before all of that, and try and build things back up again. It may take a while, but if it's worth fighting for, then do it, and he fuc*ked up BIG TIME, but sometimes it takes being caught doing something wrong before you can actually acknowledge just how wrong it was and how it affects somebody else and what's at stake.

Let him have his wakeup call...if he does it again though, it's pack the bags time. You'd be a fool to stay with him if he did it again, but not now if you want to give things a chance.

Moomoo1

RosieQI wrote: »

He has always been a good boyfriend, he has never cheated on me and I know this for a fact. But now I feel so betrayed and I do think he has cheated on me in a way. I cannot get over the fact that it has been men he’s been texting and it’s photos of men that he is looking at. It makes me sick. I had a difficult birth that ended up being a caesarean Section, while I was in hospital he signed himself up to yet another website??? Seriously what does this say about a person??

it can say anything really. But you have to take this in conjunction with the other things he has been and has done to you. Someone who has been very good to you (according to you) for 5 years deserves to be forgiven certain things.

RosieQI wrote: »

He has begged me to stay and I have but I feel so lost, I feel like a fool and I am not a weak person but I must be to stay with him.

I think you've made the right choice. Leaving him would be cutting off your nose to spite your face: yes you'd punish him for his indisgression but you'd hurt yourself equally badly.

RosieQI wrote: »

He says it will never happen again but how am I to trust him and how can I ever look at him the same again?

you trust him because you've trusted him up to now.

RosieQI wrote: »

I just need to know why he’s doing this and am I just a fool and is he actually gay?

bisexual.

RosieQI wrote: »

I’ve always thought it’d be so easy to leave someone who has hurt me this much, but I can’t seem to. I’m fine and smug to see the bad in other people’s boyfriends who treat them badly saying if it was me I’d be gone and then something this unbelievable happens and I’ve stayed. I’m hoping if people just tell me I’m a fool, I’ll actually get strong enough to do it.

of course you can't seem to, because you cannot just take one isolated incident and judge a 5-year relationship on it. When you criticised other people's boyfriends, you may not have been aware of the good things they did for their partners, just the bad ones. In this case, things are (clearly) different.

RosieQI wrote: »

He says he gets a buzz out of all of this, that's it's just curiosity about these guys but he's not curious as to what it would be like to be with one of them?? I can't unserstand this as it's not something i would ever do and don't understand how a straight man would ever want to be curious about this. And how is he still curious after 5 years? Surely the curiosity would be well gone by now? And when does it go to the next stage of curiosity, how far will he take this?

The way I'd see it is this: he feels attracted to men. But he cannot actually act on this, since he's in a relationship. So instead he does this: probably he has convinced himself that it is 'not being unfaithful', whereas going further would be. The fact that he made no real moves to make sure you wouldn't discover his surfing record on the computer would certainly point to that conclusion.

I might be way off here. But you cannot assume someone cheated on you unless you know it for a fact. Equally, you cannot assume that someone is going to cheat on you.

Taltos

Moomoo1 wrote: »

But you cannot assume someone cheated on you unless you know it for a fact. Equally, you cannot assume that someone is going to cheat on you.

He might not have physically cheated - but emotionally???
Come on - emotionally he is way off the range...

Moomoo1

Taltos wrote: »

He might not have physically cheated - but emotionally???
Come on - emotionally he is way off the range...

perhaps. But you cannot assume that it all went further than he says until you know for sure that it did.

prinz

Moomoo1 wrote: »

perhaps. But you cannot assume that it all went further than he says until you know for sure that it did.

Of course she can. He's already shattered her trust in him.. why would he deserve it now? He's lived a lie for 5 years tbh... taking his word for it now would be the last thing on my mind.

Moomoo1

prinz wrote: »

Of course she can. He's already shattered her trust in him.. why would he deserve it now? He's lived a lie for 5 years tbh... taking his word for it now would be the last thing on my mind.

because that's how it is. You cannot accuse someone of X unless you know for sure X has actually happened.

prinz

Moomoo1 wrote: »

because that's how it is. You cannot accuse someone of X unless you know for sure X has actually happened.

Why not? He divested himself of the benefit of doubt. People are accused of things every minute of every day, based on the precept of reasonable doubt.