Would you date a single dad / guy who has a child ?

metrovelvet · 08-06-2009 05:22PM

How do you answer this? Depends on so so many factors, so many details, impossible to say.

A man who has abandoned his child? No thanks.

Malari · 08-06-2009 05:22PM

Vinny-Chase wrote: »

I was trying to say that GENERALLY people think of a single dad it's assumed he f**ked off and left some woman holding the baby. I meant, that's not always the case.

OK, but I actually think that's not what most women here would think. I think actually the single dads/men who are active in their kid's lives are people who didn't just leave. The relationship broke up in most instances not because of the child, but in spite of it.

Vinny-Chase wrote: »

Like I said, every one's entitled to their opinion. Personally I just try to take people as I find them and judge them on their personality, not their situation. Personally, I just don't understand people putting up an automatic filter. I'd see that as me saying like "I could never go for a blonde, I'm all about brunettes".

I know that's more trivial but ye get what I'm trying to say.

Sure, it is more trivial. But it's also fair enough, if you don't find blondes attractive that is your own issue if you are cutting out a proportion of the population you choose from. I don't think anyone should be complaining about people who make summary judgements that don't affect anyone but themselves.

Podman · 08-06-2009 05:33PM

RacoonQueen wrote: »

Wouldn't bother me(doesn't actually given the person I like at the moment has shared custody), that being said if the roles were reversed the same guy probably wouldn't give me a second look.

Are you saying that your with a guy right now who would ignore you if he found out you had a child?

RacoonQueen · 08-06-2009 05:44PM

chompy wrote: »

Are you saying that your with a guy right now who would ignore you if he found out you had a child?

No I'm saying that the person who I'm not with but like probably wouldn't be interested in me if it was me who had kids and not him. More based around my low opinion of men than what I actually know.:)

iguana · 08-06-2009 05:49PM

Vinny-Chase wrote: »

I was trying to say that GENERALLY people think of a single dad it's assumed he f**ked off and left some woman holding the baby. I meant, that's not always the case.

I don't think anyone has said anything like that. In my experience most single dads find it heartbreaking to not be able to be a full-time father, even if they initiated the break-up with the mother. Their son/daughter is the center of their world and is on their mind in every decision they make.

Which is what a lot of people don't want to have to deal with. Either because they never want children to have that type of impact on their life or because they want they only children with that type of impact to be their own.

sam34 · 08-06-2009 06:16PM

Vinny-Chase wrote: »

While every one is entitled to their opinion. Do you not think that you're at a loss instantly ruling out anything with a man just because he has a child. What if his wife died or some other circumstance?

it's not the circumstances of how he became a parent that would bother me, it's the fact that he's a parent. i generally (within reason) dont get too bothered about someone's past and their sexual/relationship histories.

it's the kid that makes teh deal breaker, irrespective if they were the product of a drunken one nighter or a ten year marriage.

and, yes, i may well be risking missing out on a great partner because of this, but, thats a risk im willing to take.

the issue is simply that important to me that im not prepared to compromise.

sam34 · 08-06-2009 06:22PM

RacoonQueen wrote: »

You can't help who you fall for unfortunately and if you fall for someone 10 years older than you with 3 kids, someone who is an increidble guy who would treat you like a queen and make you really happy do you run away from a chance to be happy just because he has kids?

i would walk, nay, i would run.

i would not be happy with three kids in my life, no matter how great a man their father was.

but, horses for courses and all that.

i know im fairly black and white on the issue, and i know i might be cutting off my nose to spite my face.
in some ways, i think having it as a blanket filter makes it easier, in that i will never be in a situation where im mad into a guy who has kids and i have to make the "get involved or go" agonising decision. that situation just wont arise for me.

RacoonQueen · 08-06-2009 06:23PM

What if you liked him before you found out he had kids? :pac:

sam34 · 08-06-2009 06:26PM

RacoonQueen wrote: »

What if you liked him before you found out he had kids? :pac:

*sticks fingers in ears lalalalalalalala i cant hear you lalalalalalalala*

surely thats something you'd find out pretty early on?
i'd ask it very early on anyway, and would presume he'd answer truthfully!

RacoonQueen · 08-06-2009 06:39PM

By like I mean fancy, getting on well together as friends, occasionally flirting say in a non-social setting like at work...then you find out he has kids. This is similar to my scenario by the way which is why I describe it like this.

Dudess · 08-06-2009 06:50PM

Thaedydal wrote: »

Ok would you date/have a relationship with a single Dad?

Yes. And it's actually something I'd find quite attractive. I know - totally idealistic and romantic. But yes, I'd probably be won over by it - like those women Hugh Grant makes eejits of in About A Boy.

I was dating a separated father for a while and he was a fantastic guy and his being a doting dad just added to his attractiveness. But then again, it didn't work out - that was more to do with me moving away though.

or would you date/have a relationship with a guy who has a child?
By that someone who has fathered a child but for what ever reason is not part of the child's life and would what those reasons are make a difference?

Depends on why he is not a part of his child's life - could be because the child's mother is a thundering bitch. And then there is his heartbreak to contend with - a tricky one. I like to think I'd be strong enough to be a rock for a man in such a situation, but the reality could be very, very tough.
Still though, I truly believe love is blind - and if he's amazing enough, would it not be worth it?

or would you not be interested either way at all in finding out they had a child no matter the circumstances?

Again, I don't know. As in, would I carry on a relationship with a man who drops the bombshell "Actually, I have a kid, but let's not go there"? Hmmm... that would not cut it for me at all.

iguana wrote: »

After having a semi-serious relationship with a father I can say unequivocally that it isn't for me.

Dating a parent will have a huge impact on a relationship. Emotional issues include; You will almost never come first with your partner, and it isn't selfish to want to be the most important thing in the world to the person who is the most important thing in yours. If you want to have a family together you won't be becoming parents together. A huge issue to me, I want to make my husband a father, I want him to make me a mother.

Practical issues include; A good portion of your family income will never reach your household. Your partner's ex will have to be consulted on things like your family holiday. Your children and your step-child will have different rights and responsibilities in their own homes and this could cause serious friction. To me, life in a standard nuclear family is complicated enough, and I'd prefer not to add to that.

It's great that some people can rise above the practical emotional issues, or that their priorities are such that the emotional issues don't arise. But I also believe that it's also ok to not want to have to deal with them and choose not to date parents. The same applies for men not wanting to date single mothers.

Yep, despite my being won over by the whole doting dad thing, all of these realities went through my head when I was seeing that father (the not becoming parents together aspect wouldn't bother me but apart from that, spot-on) - and some of them are very tough to come to terms with. You're so right - nothing wrong with wanting to be the most important person in another's life, however... I think I'd deal with the second-best thing. If he was an amazing enough guy, second-best would be better than not being with him at all. That sounds kinda sad I suppose, but being second-best to a child would also be better than being second-best to his ex or dead wife/partner - in my opinion anyway. Sometimes, a person is worth such complications.

sam34 · 08-06-2009 07:35PM

RacoonQueen wrote: »

By like I mean fancy, getting on well together as friends, occasionally flirting say in a non-social setting like at work...then you find out he has kids. This is similar to my scenario by the way which is why I describe it like this.

well, its something i usually find out about someone very early on. if he was a friend or work colleague, i'd imagine you'd know his "kid-situation".

i find out early on. i make it my business to know :pac: even in a non-fancying situation, its something i find out, it's part of getting to know someone in a work setting, or in any setting for that matter.

Stheno · 08-06-2009 11:02PM

iguana wrote: »

Dating a parent will have a huge impact on a relationship. Emotional issues include; You will almost never come first with your partner, and it isn't selfish to want to be the most important thing in the world to the person who is the most important thing in yours. If you want to have a family together you won't be becoming parents together. A huge issue to me, I want to make my husband a father, I want him to make me a mother.

Practical issues include; A good portion of your family income will never reach your household. Your partner's ex will have to be consulted on things like your family holiday. Your children and your step-child will have different rights and responsibilities in their own homes and this could cause serious friction. To me, life in a standard nuclear family is complicated enough, and I'd prefer not to add to that.

It's great that some people can rise above the practical emotional issues, or that their priorities are such that the emotional issues don't arise. But I also believe that it's also ok to not want to have to deal with them and choose not to date parents. The same applies for men not wanting to date single mothers.

+1 My current bf of eight months has kids and vistitation arrangements, etc etc, so I thought it would be an orderly and planned existence

Our first proper date he was two hours late as one of the kids had an emergency, most of the few times he has no commitments regarding his kids and visitation, one or another will need driving somewhere/stuff to be picked up/chats on the phone, or just full stop arrive over and spend the day/evening. We went on holiday together and literally three hours before we were due back, one of the kids was on text asking how soon he'd be home as they needed to see him (Now in fairness he's a great dad and they get on very well and they are older kids) I've basically learned never to plan more than a day or so in advance unless it's something concrete like a holiday and furthermore, any planning I do in regards to us (which I talk through with him)is planned around his commitment to his kids and their potential needs/wants during that time.

Now I don't want kids, so that aspect doesn't bother me, and we are not yet at the point where joint income matters tbh, but despite it all, the "lost" days, the frustration of making plans in the morning and having them dashed due to an emergency with the kids or a simple "Dad, can you give me a lift cos it's raining" call, I'm actually pretty ok with it, it can be frustrating but the upside for me is that I've developed a relationship with the kids, he and I have learned to compromise, and if I do ask for time just for us, to be honest outside of a real emergency he really makes the effort to keep it special.

It's been a huge learning curve for me, but one that has had some very special moments like when one of his kids came back from a trip abroad and had brought me back a gift, or when I make breakfast for a bunch of teens who've partied all night, and we have a laugh.

That said, I'd never say it was easy, it was very difficult to get away from the idea that I was dating one bloke, as opposed to essentially a family and learning to integrate into that family group took time and effort, on all sides and not just mine.

Pythia · 08-06-2009 11:05PM

At the age I am now (23), it would definitely bother me. I don't need to be weighed down by baggage like that. You'd end up having to half become a mother when you hadn't chosen it at all. If you are significantly older, it limits your choice if you won't accept it.

Gyalist · 08-06-2009 11:10PM

Acacia wrote: »

Secondly, I'm only twenty, just out of college. This will probably sound incredibly selfish but I don't want to come second in my signifcant other's life- and I know if he had a child, then I would be his second priority. I also feel I would be way too young for the step-mother role.

Why would you assume that a single father is looking for a mother for his child/children?

Stheno · 08-06-2009 11:12PM

Gyalist wrote: »

Why would you assume that a single father is looking for a mother for his child/children?

I think that at the very least a single father is looking for someone who will accept his children, and get on well with them, and integrate with them.

For many women that can be quite a struggle, moving on to a point where you are someone that children of a partner feel comfortable chatting to about a lot of things can evoke a sense of guilt in children depending on the previous relationship that their parents were in.

Corb · 09-06-2009 10:26AM

Being brutally honest no I wouldn't. Reltaionships take enough of work without having the extra burden of a child involved. Yes to me a child would be a burden. I like children and want my own one day but I don't want to date someone who already has a child. I've always felt this way and probably always will. Just my preference.

Lux23 · 09-06-2009 12:43PM

craiginireland wrote: »

As a single dad I find the amount of women who don't like "the whole baby thing" is quite big. And then a proportion of those who are ok with it eventually get into competition with said baby/child.

I am in a realtionship with a guy with a child and to be honest I am constantly being reminded that I will always come second, possibly even third as he will drop everything if the child's mother wants him for something. Its not easy. I don't think I would have stayed with him if I knew what I know now.

John Mason · 09-06-2009 01:08PM

absolutely no way

children do not feature in my present or future life

Munster_Gal · 09-06-2009 01:43PM

Been there and done that...

Spent over a year with a man that I was crazy in love with - he had a young son who i absolutely adored and looked after when my ex partner wanted to train etc - after a year i was told that he didn't want any more children which subsequestly became one of the reasons he ended things.

I had no problem in the world being with a man that had a child from a previous relationship - However, I was completely involved with the child when he spent weekends with us and so it made the break up 10 times harder for me.

I don't think I'd ever get myself into that kind of situation again!

Morgase · 09-06-2009 04:26PM

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

absolutely no way

children do not feature in my present or future life

Same here.

Vinta81 · 09-06-2009 04:29PM

Corb wrote: »

Being brutally honest no I wouldn't. Reltaionships take enough of work without having the extra burden of a child involved. Yes to me a child would be a burden. I like children and want my own one day but I don't want to date someone who already has a child. I've always felt this way and probably always will. Just my preference.

I agree.

RacoonQueen · 09-06-2009 05:42PM

sam34 wrote: »

well, its something i usually find out about someone very early on. if he was a friend or work colleague, i'd imagine you'd know his "kid-situation".

i find out early on. i make it my business to know :pac: even in a non-fancying situation, its something i find out, it's part of getting to know someone in a work setting, or in any setting for that matter.

When you first meet someone new, in a social or non-social situation do you have a list of questions you ask? Cos generally when I speak in passing to people I'm only getting to know asking them if they've got kids isn't really on the sort of thing I ask. :pac:

sam34 · 09-06-2009 05:59PM

RacoonQueen wrote: »

When you first meet someone new, in a social or non-social situation do you have a list of questions you ask? Cos generally when I speak in passing to people I'm only getting to know asking them if they've got kids isn't really on the sort of thing I ask. :pac:

well, i dont have a checklist! but when getting to know someone i think most people talk about teh same kind of things - where you're from, where you work, family situation etc.

i dont think it's an odd thing to ask someone.

Magenta · 10-06-2009 05:23AM

Not a hope in hell.
I really don't like kids, and have no intention of ever having any of my own, so I definitely don't want to look after someone else's.

stovelid · 10-06-2009 09:38AM

It's quite ridiculous to say you don't want to be second-best in a relationship when somebody has a kid. A romantic relationship and a parental relationship are two completely different things and should not be in competition.

Looking after a child is an entirely non-negotiable relationship with far-reaching effects; a romantic relationship between adults can involve compromise and negotiation without damaging the relationship if they love each other enough.

Best just to avoid men with kids (entirely understandable) instead of going out with them and getting the hump because they spend time with their kid(s).

If you pitch yourself against somebody's kid(s) in the importance stakes, you'll never win so why try?

Khannie · 10-06-2009 10:36AM

stovelid wrote: »

It's quite ridiculous to say you don't want to be second-best in a relationship when somebody has a kid. A romantic relationship and a parental relationship are two completely different things and should not be in competition.

I think you're being overly harsh. Who wants to be 2nd best like? Not me.

Malari · 10-06-2009 10:42AM

stovelid wrote: »

It's quite ridiculous to say you don't want to be second-best in a relationship when somebody has a kid. A romantic relationship and a parental relationship are two completely different things and should not be in competition.

I don't think they are usually in competition if both of the people in the couple have a parental relationship with the child. If only one does, of course the other person is going to feel second-best.

stovelid · 10-06-2009 11:21AM

Malari wrote: »

I don't think they are usually in competition if both of the people in the couple have a parental relationship with the child. If only one does, of course the other person is going to feel second-best.

Fair enough though, I can see what you mean. If I was single and dating, my kid would be my first priority.

I guess I just don't find the second-best analogy useful. It's not like there is a first and foremeost romantic rival. Not like somebody pining after a dead or ex-partner. It's just a responsibility. If you like someone enough, it's like coping with a long-distance relationship or other personal situation, but again not everyone wants to which is very understandable too.

Khannie · 10-06-2009 11:39AM

stovelid wrote: »

If I was single and dating, my kid would be my first priority.

Of course! That's totally natural. The problem (if you're dating) is, nobody likes being less than first priority.

I don't think it's a competition as such, just something that you'd accept, but not like.

Would you date a single dad / guy who has a child ?

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