Would you date a single dad / guy who has a child ?

Nevyn

Ok would you date/have a relationship with a single Dad?
By that I mean a guy who has a child from a previous relationship who is actively parenting his child and is a part of his child's life?

or would you date/have a relationship with a guy who has a child?
By that someone who has fathered a child but for what ever reason is not part of the child's life and would what those reasons are make a difference?

or would you not be interested either way at all in finding out they had a child no matter the circumstances?

Madame Razz

It wouldn't bother me.

Though I think I would prefer it if the father played an active role in the childs life as opposed to another circumstance, I know thats not always possible, but I don't have a lot of time for men who refuse to believe that their children exist or do not provide for their children at all;l In fact I don't think I have time for men like this at all tbh.

However I have been in a situation where a partner was involved in his childs life but the mother of said child(who did not have a good relationship AT ALL with this man anyway) began to make things even more difficult for him and started on me also.

I didn't want to be the cause of heightening an already tense situation; nor did I care enough about said guy to be taking such abuse from his ex-partner, hence I left them to it.

But on the whole, while it wouldn't be an issue for me. I do have friends who very much have a problem with their partners chlidren from a previous relationship and/or their partners ex-partners. One in particular has reduced herself to the behaviour of a fish-wife with said ex-partner, and has real problems with the amount of money her now husband provides for his child.

This I don't think is right and this I never could do. In fact it is irrational pathetic behaviour which I find incredibly distasteful.

I think we have to accept a persons past and what it brings with them to the future. Several people male and female have children from previous relationships and it shouldn't be resented or frowned upon or anything like that.

In fact it should be accepted as part of that person and embraced as part of the life that you want to share with said person. Chances are it has made them the person that they are and that you have fallen for, and there shouldn't be anything wrong with that.

Sadly, I know this often isn't the case; but I do feel it is something that people need to grow up about.

My 0.02.

jbl123

Yes. I could, provided the guy was on at least cordial terms with the mother of the child. I dont' think I could deal with one of those situations where the exes are constantly fighting regarding custody or other issues with the kids in the middle.

I also wouldn't be attracted to someone who I knew had a child but chose not to be part of his/her life.

RacoonQueen

Wouldn't bother me(doesn't actually given the person I like at the moment has shared custody), that being said if the roles were reversed the same guy probably wouldn't give me a second look.

craiginireland

As a single dad I find the amount of women who don't like "the whole baby thing" is quite big. And then a proportion of those who are ok with it eventually get into competition with said baby/child.

G86

If he was a part of the child's life then it wouldn't bother me at all, I'd be grand with it, but if he wasn't then I'd want to know why.

strongbluebell

I suppose it depends on the stage of life you're at. By the time you get to late 30s,40s most guys will have some sort of history of previous relationships and often children.
The judge of character is how they treat these children, a man that doesn't want to get involved in his childrens lives would sound a few alarm bells.

Acacia

To be perfectly honest, at this stage in my life, no. Now, never say never, if he was 'the one' or whatever of course I'd give it a go, but it would put me off a little right now.

Firstly, if he wasn't in contact with his child, I'd think it would be a bit weird for one, and there's obviously a lot of emotional baggage there that I don't have time or energy for right now.

Secondly, I'm only twenty, just out of college. This will probably sound incredibly selfish but I don't want to come second in my signifcant other's life- and I know if he had a child, then I would be his second priority. I also feel I would be way too young for the step-mother role. I know some people can do it at my age, and fair play, but it would be way too much for me right now.

Lastly, I'm quite frankly enjoying having no responsibilty (well , at least not the kind that being a sort-of step-mother would entail). I like being able to go out and party, travel, etc, etc. Knowing that my partner probably wouldn't be able to enjoy this with me to the same extent would be problem for me, tbh.

So in short, no, I couldn't date a single dad. Not for the moment anyway.

what acacia said tbh. If I was single and he was some amazing guy then yeah sure I might want to give it a go. But I'm not at the stage in my life where I would want to deal with it.

Meller

Thaedydal wrote: »

By that I mean a guy who has a child from a previous relationship who is actively parenting his child and is a part of his child's life?

lol what, would you feel better if he'd abandoned it?

Mrs JackDaniels

It wouldn't bother me at all infact I think if a guy had a child and was not actively involved with him or her it would put me right off him

allabouteve

craiginireland wrote: »

As a single dad I find the amount of women who don't like "the whole baby thing" is quite big. And then a proportion of those who are ok with it eventually get into competition with said baby/child.

Well, I think the dislike of the 'baby thing' is fair enough, especially with younger women.

I also think that any woman who involves herself with a single dad and then gets into a competition with the kid needs to grow up.

I think if I was with a single dad, I'd be accepting that I wouldn't ever be his first priority (or shouldn't be), or I'd have no business in that relationship.

Zippie84

wouldn't really bother me.

although if he didn't have any involvement in the kid's life, and it was by choice, then that might bother me.

family first

It wouldnt bother me at all to be honest..
But a lot of women i persume would rather not be in a relationship with a guy, knowing that he just got up and left his child and his child's mother.. that is not very reassuring really is it?

b3t4

If he had a child and was a good Dad then I'd concider it.

If he had a child and was a good Dad and his ex was a living nightmare I'd try it for a while but eventually break up with him.

If he had a child and had no part in that childs life I would not date him under any circumstances.

The thing for me is that I have done, and continue to make sure, that I do not bring a child into this world as I am not ready for one. My partner having a child would bring a child into my life prematuraly which is something I'm not keen on.

shellyboo

Thaedydal wrote: »

Ok would you date/have a relationship with a single Dad?
By that I mean a guy who has a child from a previous relationship who is actively parenting his child and is a part of his child's life?

or would you date/have a relationship with a guy who has a child?
By that someone who has fathered a child but for what ever reason is not part of the child's life and would what those reasons are make a difference?

or would you not be interested either way at all in finding out they had a child no matter the circumstances?

I have dated guys with kids before and it hasn't bothered me at all. I adore kids, and I'm sort of of the opinion that good dad = good guy. It shows a certain amount of maturity and capability and reliability - that's not to say that guys with kids are always amazing boyfriends (they're not) but it's a good sign, I reckon.

I'd never date a guy who'd walked away from his kid. Not only do I think it's completely heartless, but I wouldn't want to be left in the same situation if the worst happened.

There's a grey area though that's so tricky - where the Dad wants to be a part of the kid's life, but the mother is making things difficult. As much as I'd like to think I'd be supportive, I'm not sure I'd want to put myself in that situation, because the guy just has bigger things going on than a relationship. I don't think there'd be a fair chance at making it work.

lgoring21

wood never ever ever go out with someone who has walked away from a child...my ex done it on my son and i cannot understand how women are ok with the fact that a man has walked away from their child and they are willing to settle down with thm....unbelievable...

as for a dad that takes part in his childs life come right ahead im in the same boat as u!!:)

joes girls

been a single mam,i think its easier to go out with someone that has kids find men with no kids can be jealous and not understanding.

lgoring21

but wher do u find the time to find these men?? at 23 its very hard to find 1 a man that wnts to settle down with a child 2 a man thats has a child and wants to settle in another relationship with a child involved:(

joes girls

guess you would want to settle down first.....i enjoy been single again.....dont know if i really want anything fulltime again....

Malari

Thaedydal wrote: »

Ok would you date/have a relationship with a single Dad?
By that I mean a guy who has a child from a previous relationship who is actively parenting his child and is a part of his child's life?

or would you date/have a relationship with a guy who has a child?
By that someone who has fathered a child but for what ever reason is not part of the child's life and would what those reasons are make a difference?

No to all the questions really. I know a single dad and a guy who has fathered a child and is still involved in her life. Both nice enough guys, but that situation is not for me.

Thaedydal wrote: »

or would you not be interested either way at all in finding out they had a child no matter the circumstances?

I'm not really sure what this means. Are you asking if you suddenly found out that a boyfriend had fathered and abandonned a child? That wouldn't bother me too much - I can't see how it would change our realtionship that much as we don't want children. But I can see how it would spook a woman who did eventually want kids.

If you mean if a couple suddenly found out that the man had fathered a child, that would be worrying. And probably change things.

sam34

kids are a deal-breaker for me.

i simply have no interest in having them in my life. i intend never to have kids.

i certainly dont want to become involved with a man who has kids. it would totally pout me off someone.

i know that i might pass up the chance of being with a great guy because of this, but, tbh, the issue means so much to me that im prepared to take the risk.

Sligome

i have been with my fella for 5 years and he has a son, he never gets to see him which is rather sad but it doesnt bother me at all that he has a child already

metaoblivia

I would give it a go if the attraction was there, but I would go in a bit wary. While I love children and children love me, I get overwhelmed very easily by any situation that requires even a modest amount of planning and structure. The idea of proper relationship with a man who has no kids is almost too overwhelming for me, so a guy who has kids... it would be a challenge. But I would give it the college try.

iguana

If asked 10 years ago I would have said I would have no problem with dating a man with a child. I absolutely adore kids, want nothing more than to be a mother and don't judge people on their sexual past (within reason). But I never really thought much about what that actually means for me and my relationship. After having a semi-serious relationship with a father I can say unequivocally that it isn't for me.

Dating a parent will have a huge impact on a relationship. Emotional issues include; You will almost never come first with your partner, and it isn't selfish to want to be the most important thing in the world to the person who is the most important thing in yours. If you want to have a family together you won't be becoming parents together. A huge issue to me, I want to make my husband a father, I want him to make me a mother.

Practical issues include; A good portion of your family income will never reach your household. Your partner's ex will have to be consulted on things like your family holiday. Your children and your step-child will have different rights and responsibilities in their own homes and this could cause serious friction. To me, life in a standard nuclear family is complicated enough, and I'd prefer not to add to that.

It's great that some people can rise above the practical emotional issues, or that their priorities are such that the emotional issues don't arise. But I also believe that it's also ok to not want to have to deal with them and choose not to date parents. The same applies for men not wanting to date single mothers.

ciagr297

i've dated a guy with a 10-year old kid. i didn't have any objections to it, but i was never involved with the kid - i kept my distance on purpose.
it wasn't a long term relationship so it was grand that way.

i still have no objections but i would be a little more cautious

Vinny-Chase

sam34 wrote: »

kids are a deal-breaker for me.

i simply have no interest in having them in my life. i intend never to have kids.

i certainly dont want to become involved with a man who has kids. it would totally pout me off someone.

i know that i might pass up the chance of being with a great guy because of this, but, tbh, the issue means so much to me that im prepared to take the risk.

While every one is entitled to their opinion. Do you not think that you're at a loss instantly ruling out anything with a man just because he has a child. What if his wife died or some other circumstance?

Malari

Vinny-Chase wrote: »

While every one is entitled to their opinion. Do you not think that you're at a loss instantly ruling out anything with a man just because he has a child. What if his wife died or some other circumstance?

Why would the wife dying make a difference to her not wanting a child in her life?

There are lots of reasons people filter potential partners - any one of them could rule out someone you would otherwise love to be with, but a deal-breaker is pretty final. You can't expect to have a relationship with someone that has a child if that is a deal-breaker for you.

lgoring21

Sligome wrote: »

i have been with my fella for 5 years and he has a son, he never gets to see him which is rather sad but it doesnt bother me at all that he has a child already

why wood it bother you sure it has absolutely no impact on ur relationship as he has no relationship with his son...he never gets to see him...why doesnt he take the mother to court?
it really fustrates me that men dont see or pay for their children go on and have relationships woth women and for those women not to be concerned for the child havin no father....thats why society is the way it is today..

Vinny-Chase

Malari wrote: »

Why would the wife dying make a difference to her not wanting a child in her life?

There are lots of reasons people filter potential partners - any one of them could rule out someone you would otherwise love to be with, but a deal-breaker is pretty final. You can't expect to have a relationship with someone that has a child if that is a deal-breaker for you.

I was trying to say that GENERALLY people think of a single dad it's assumed he f**ked off and left some woman holding the baby. I meant, that's not always the case.

Like I said, every one's entitled to their opinion. Personally I just try to take people as I find them and judge them on their personality, not their situation. Personally, I just don't understand people putting up an automatic filter. I'd see that as me saying like "I could never go for a blonde, I'm all about brunettes".

I know that's more trivial but ye get what I'm trying to say.

RacoonQueen

sam34 wrote: »

kids are a deal-breaker for me.

i simply have no interest in having them in my life. i intend never to have kids.

i certainly dont want to become involved with a man who has kids. it would totally pout me off someone.

i know that i might pass up the chance of being with a great guy because of this, but, tbh, the issue means so much to me that im prepared to take the risk.

I'd be similar in that I don't intend to ever have kids, but him having kids wouldn't bother me. I do like kids I just don't want any of my own. Ever. If it happened I'd deal with it. I'm in my early 20's and would have no problem dating someone who had kids, it would make it a tad more difficult but sure aren't all relationships hard work anyway? You can't help who you fall for unfortunately and if you fall for someone 10 years older than you with 3 kids, someone who is an increidble guy who would treat you like a queen and make you really happy do you run away from a chance to be happy just because he has kids?

metrovelvet

How do you answer this? Depends on so so many factors, so many details, impossible to say.

A man who has abandoned his child? No thanks.

Malari

Vinny-Chase wrote: »

I was trying to say that GENERALLY people think of a single dad it's assumed he f**ked off and left some woman holding the baby. I meant, that's not always the case.

OK, but I actually think that's not what most women here would think. I think actually the single dads/men who are active in their kid's lives are people who didn't just leave. The relationship broke up in most instances not because of the child, but in spite of it.

Vinny-Chase wrote: »

Like I said, every one's entitled to their opinion. Personally I just try to take people as I find them and judge them on their personality, not their situation. Personally, I just don't understand people putting up an automatic filter. I'd see that as me saying like "I could never go for a blonde, I'm all about brunettes".

I know that's more trivial but ye get what I'm trying to say.

Sure, it is more trivial. But it's also fair enough, if you don't find blondes attractive that is your own issue if you are cutting out a proportion of the population you choose from. I don't think anyone should be complaining about people who make summary judgements that don't affect anyone but themselves.

Podman

RacoonQueen wrote: »

Wouldn't bother me(doesn't actually given the person I like at the moment has shared custody), that being said if the roles were reversed the same guy probably wouldn't give me a second look.

Are you saying that your with a guy right now who would ignore you if he found out you had a child?

RacoonQueen

chompy wrote: »

Are you saying that your with a guy right now who would ignore you if he found out you had a child?

No I'm saying that the person who I'm not with but like probably wouldn't be interested in me if it was me who had kids and not him. More based around my low opinion of men than what I actually know.:)

iguana

Vinny-Chase wrote: »

I was trying to say that GENERALLY people think of a single dad it's assumed he f**ked off and left some woman holding the baby. I meant, that's not always the case.

I don't think anyone has said anything like that. In my experience most single dads find it heartbreaking to not be able to be a full-time father, even if they initiated the break-up with the mother. Their son/daughter is the center of their world and is on their mind in every decision they make.

Which is what a lot of people don't want to have to deal with. Either because they never want children to have that type of impact on their life or because they want they only children with that type of impact to be their own.

sam34

Vinny-Chase wrote: »

While every one is entitled to their opinion. Do you not think that you're at a loss instantly ruling out anything with a man just because he has a child. What if his wife died or some other circumstance?

it's not the circumstances of how he became a parent that would bother me, it's the fact that he's a parent. i generally (within reason) dont get too bothered about someone's past and their sexual/relationship histories.

it's the kid that makes teh deal breaker, irrespective if they were the product of a drunken one nighter or a ten year marriage.

and, yes, i may well be risking missing out on a great partner because of this, but, thats a risk im willing to take.

the issue is simply that important to me that im not prepared to compromise.

sam34

RacoonQueen wrote: »

You can't help who you fall for unfortunately and if you fall for someone 10 years older than you with 3 kids, someone who is an increidble guy who would treat you like a queen and make you really happy do you run away from a chance to be happy just because he has kids?

i would walk, nay, i would run.

i would not be happy with three kids in my life, no matter how great a man their father was.

but, horses for courses and all that.

i know im fairly black and white on the issue, and i know i might be cutting off my nose to spite my face.
in some ways, i think having it as a blanket filter makes it easier, in that i will never be in a situation where im mad into a guy who has kids and i have to make the "get involved or go" agonising decision. that situation just wont arise for me.

RacoonQueen

What if you liked him before you found out he had kids? :pac:

sam34

RacoonQueen wrote: »

What if you liked him before you found out he had kids? :pac:

*sticks fingers in ears lalalalalalalala i cant hear you lalalalalalalala*

surely thats something you'd find out pretty early on?
i'd ask it very early on anyway, and would presume he'd answer truthfully!

RacoonQueen

By like I mean fancy, getting on well together as friends, occasionally flirting say in a non-social setting like at work...then you find out he has kids. This is similar to my scenario by the way which is why I describe it like this.

Dudess

Thaedydal wrote: »

Ok would you date/have a relationship with a single Dad?

Yes. And it's actually something I'd find quite attractive. I know - totally idealistic and romantic. But yes, I'd probably be won over by it - like those women Hugh Grant makes eejits of in About A Boy.
I was dating a separated father for a while and he was a fantastic guy and his being a doting dad just added to his attractiveness. But then again, it didn't work out - that was more to do with me moving away though.

or would you date/have a relationship with a guy who has a child?
By that someone who has fathered a child but for what ever reason is not part of the child's life and would what those reasons are make a difference?

Depends on why he is not a part of his child's life - could be because the child's mother is a thundering bitch. And then there is his heartbreak to contend with - a tricky one. I like to think I'd be strong enough to be a rock for a man in such a situation, but the reality could be very, very tough.
Still though, I truly believe love is blind - and if he's amazing enough, would it not be worth it?

or would you not be interested either way at all in finding out they had a child no matter the circumstances?

Again, I don't know. As in, would I carry on a relationship with a man who drops the bombshell "Actually, I have a kid, but let's not go there"? Hmmm... that would not cut it for me at all.

iguana wrote: »

After having a semi-serious relationship with a father I can say unequivocally that it isn't for me.

Dating a parent will have a huge impact on a relationship. Emotional issues include; You will almost never come first with your partner, and it isn't selfish to want to be the most important thing in the world to the person who is the most important thing in yours. If you want to have a family together you won't be becoming parents together. A huge issue to me, I want to make my husband a father, I want him to make me a mother.

Practical issues include; A good portion of your family income will never reach your household. Your partner's ex will have to be consulted on things like your family holiday. Your children and your step-child will have different rights and responsibilities in their own homes and this could cause serious friction. To me, life in a standard nuclear family is complicated enough, and I'd prefer not to add to that.

It's great that some people can rise above the practical emotional issues, or that their priorities are such that the emotional issues don't arise. But I also believe that it's also ok to not want to have to deal with them and choose not to date parents. The same applies for men not wanting to date single mothers.

Yep, despite my being won over by the whole doting dad thing, all of these realities went through my head when I was seeing that father (the not becoming parents together aspect wouldn't bother me but apart from that, spot-on) - and some of them are very tough to come to terms with. You're so right - nothing wrong with wanting to be the most important person in another's life, however... I think I'd deal with the second-best thing. If he was an amazing enough guy, second-best would be better than not being with him at all. That sounds kinda sad I suppose, but being second-best to a child would also be better than being second-best to his ex or dead wife/partner - in my opinion anyway. Sometimes, a person is worth such complications.

sam34

RacoonQueen wrote: »

By like I mean fancy, getting on well together as friends, occasionally flirting say in a non-social setting like at work...then you find out he has kids. This is similar to my scenario by the way which is why I describe it like this.

well, its something i usually find out about someone very early on. if he was a friend or work colleague, i'd imagine you'd know his "kid-situation".

i find out early on. i make it my business to know :pac: even in a non-fancying situation, its something i find out, it's part of getting to know someone in a work setting, or in any setting for that matter.

Stheno

iguana wrote: »

Dating a parent will have a huge impact on a relationship. Emotional issues include; You will almost never come first with your partner, and it isn't selfish to want to be the most important thing in the world to the person who is the most important thing in yours. If you want to have a family together you won't be becoming parents together. A huge issue to me, I want to make my husband a father, I want him to make me a mother.

Practical issues include; A good portion of your family income will never reach your household. Your partner's ex will have to be consulted on things like your family holiday. Your children and your step-child will have different rights and responsibilities in their own homes and this could cause serious friction. To me, life in a standard nuclear family is complicated enough, and I'd prefer not to add to that.

It's great that some people can rise above the practical emotional issues, or that their priorities are such that the emotional issues don't arise. But I also believe that it's also ok to not want to have to deal with them and choose not to date parents. The same applies for men not wanting to date single mothers.

+1 My current bf of eight months has kids and vistitation arrangements, etc etc, so I thought it would be an orderly and planned existence

Our first proper date he was two hours late as one of the kids had an emergency, most of the few times he has no commitments regarding his kids and visitation, one or another will need driving somewhere/stuff to be picked up/chats on the phone, or just full stop arrive over and spend the day/evening. We went on holiday together and literally three hours before we were due back, one of the kids was on text asking how soon he'd be home as they needed to see him (Now in fairness he's a great dad and they get on very well and they are older kids) I've basically learned never to plan more than a day or so in advance unless it's something concrete like a holiday and furthermore, any planning I do in regards to us (which I talk through with him)is planned around his commitment to his kids and their potential needs/wants during that time.

Now I don't want kids, so that aspect doesn't bother me, and we are not yet at the point where joint income matters tbh, but despite it all, the "lost" days, the frustration of making plans in the morning and having them dashed due to an emergency with the kids or a simple "Dad, can you give me a lift cos it's raining" call, I'm actually pretty ok with it, it can be frustrating but the upside for me is that I've developed a relationship with the kids, he and I have learned to compromise, and if I do ask for time just for us, to be honest outside of a real emergency he really makes the effort to keep it special.

It's been a huge learning curve for me, but one that has had some very special moments like when one of his kids came back from a trip abroad and had brought me back a gift, or when I make breakfast for a bunch of teens who've partied all night, and we have a laugh.

That said, I'd never say it was easy, it was very difficult to get away from the idea that I was dating one bloke, as opposed to essentially a family and learning to integrate into that family group took time and effort, on all sides and not just mine.

Pythia

At the age I am now (23), it would definitely bother me. I don't need to be weighed down by baggage like that. You'd end up having to half become a mother when you hadn't chosen it at all. If you are significantly older, it limits your choice if you won't accept it.

Gyalist

Acacia wrote: »

Secondly, I'm only twenty, just out of college. This will probably sound incredibly selfish but I don't want to come second in my signifcant other's life- and I know if he had a child, then I would be his second priority. I also feel I would be way too young for the step-mother role.

Why would you assume that a single father is looking for a mother for his child/children?

Stheno

Gyalist wrote: »

Why would you assume that a single father is looking for a mother for his child/children?

I think that at the very least a single father is looking for someone who will accept his children, and get on well with them, and integrate with them.

For many women that can be quite a struggle, moving on to a point where you are someone that children of a partner feel comfortable chatting to about a lot of things can evoke a sense of guilt in children depending on the previous relationship that their parents were in.

Corb

Being brutally honest no I wouldn't. Reltaionships take enough of work without having the extra burden of a child involved. Yes to me a child would be a burden. I like children and want my own one day but I don't want to date someone who already has a child. I've always felt this way and probably always will. Just my preference.

Lux23

craiginireland wrote: »

As a single dad I find the amount of women who don't like "the whole baby thing" is quite big. And then a proportion of those who are ok with it eventually get into competition with said baby/child.

I am in a realtionship with a guy with a child and to be honest I am constantly being reminded that I will always come second, possibly even third as he will drop everything if the child's mother wants him for something. Its not easy. I don't think I would have stayed with him if I knew what I know now.

John Mason

absolutely no way

children do not feature in my present or future life

Munster_Gal

Been there and done that...

Spent over a year with a man that I was crazy in love with - he had a young son who i absolutely adored and looked after when my ex partner wanted to train etc - after a year i was told that he didn't want any more children which subsequestly became one of the reasons he ended things.

I had no problem in the world being with a man that had a child from a previous relationship - However, I was completely involved with the child when he spent weekends with us and so it made the break up 10 times harder for me.

I don't think I'd ever get myself into that kind of situation again!