The Off-Topic, insult, picture and everything else thread

In the interest of assisting the careers of all uniform members on boards who aspire to be detectives I have decided to post the official DDU guide.
Here is the introduction and chapters 1&2. The remaining chapters will be posted over the coming days.

There WILL be an exam in early April, as with all Garda exams strict rules apply. PM me for the paper.



Official DDU Guide



By: D/Inspector Gravy Trainer


Mission Statement
To achieve the highest attainable level of
Overtime, Sub, Travel and Free Grub
Introduction


With reference to the above, please find the Official DDU Guide compiled by D/Inspector Gravy Trainer for issue to all new DDU members. Please destroy (by eating) this document as soon as you’ve memorised it. Under no circumstances should this document fall into the greasy hands of any wooden tops (uniform members).



Chapter 1 – Useful Phrases

• We’re on the grub

• We’re on enquiries

• We’re on files

• We’re in court

• We’re on escorts

• We’re DDU



Chapter 2 – Suitable Attire

• Tweed Jacket (patches are not optional and must be worn at all times)

• Brown Shoes

• Moustache (optional, but must be worn for court and conferences)

Chapters 3 & 4


Chapter 3 – Diet


• Coffee

• Full Irish (wooden tops will provide breakfast between 8am and 10pm daily)

• Biscuits (also provided by wooden tops at selected stations)

• Chicken Curry (beef and prawn also acceptable)

Note: Under no circumstances should any DDU member attempt to approach a dishwasher to avoid back problems in later life.




Chapter 4 – Equipment

• Radio (must be switched off at all times to avoid harmful radiation)

• Phone (as above)

• Gun (must be visible at all times)

• Notebook and pen (optional)

• Hair Comb

• File cover (always useful for carrying newspaper)

• Newspaper (peepholes can be cut out for surveillance)

Useful Tip:

To ensure that gun is visible at all times, purchase a suit jacket one size too small.

Now that's loyalty.

Sorry if this has already been posted but I love it.

It belongs to South-Yorkshire Police.

Ukranian immigration officers dress similarly. Hard to take them seriously in those heels...

Luckily, I did.