Yeah I'm in the wrong but is this really that big of a deal??

Fysh · 02-10-2008 11:13PM

Hmmm, there appear to be a lot of generalisations in this thread, so I'll endeavour not to repeat anything that's already been said.

First off, while I do think you were in the wrong I'd say that the pervert/sex pest thing is a tangent and not really relevant to the big issue which is trust.

Trust, as can be seen from reading any number of PI threads, varies from person to person, and thus from couple to couple. Some have no problem with sharing every part of their lives with their partner, others prefer to retain a modicum of personal space or privacy (see the endless discussions about whether it's OK to look at a partner's SMS message log without asking, for example). Because of this variation, there's no safe option other than to talk to your partner and figure out something that works for you.

The problem here is that you did something that your partner considers a gross violation of trust, and now she doesn't know whether she can trust you with other related matters (eg whether you showed the video in question to your mates). As with all things trust-related, it'll take an honest conversation and a hefty bit of work to repair the damage, not to mention time. This is not the sort of thing that you'll put right in a week or two, not if she's this upset by it.

To try and give an analogy: imagine you, for whatever reason, had €500 in cash and you left it in your shared bedroom. Your partner takes the €500 to pay for something, planning on paying you back in due course. While she's out and uncontactable, you discover that the money's gone and have a panic attack while looking for it. When she returns home and you tell her how stressed you are because the money's gone missing, she casually mentions that she took it and will pay you back.

Depending on your relationship you may just be relieved that the money's back, or you may get annoyed that your partner didn't leave you a note or ask first. There's no correct way to proceed in any situation like this; all you can do is try to be sensitive of your partner's boundaries. You appear to have inadvertently stumbled over a big one, and realising just how violated someone can be when such a boundary is breached is the first step to repairing the damage.

Jack B. Badd · 02-10-2008 11:28PM

DirtyOldMan wrote: »

Very selfish of me I know, but at the end of the day I'm a guy and have the exact same needs, wants and sex drive as any other guy.

And like any other guy you presumably have sufficient grey matter between your ears to realise that you should have
a) asked her permission to film her
or
b) informed her you were filming either before, during or immediately afterwards.

The "I'm a guy, I have needs, I can't be held responsible for my actions because of my gender" argument holds very, very little weight with most people, both male and female. Given your girlfriend's reaction I'm betting this argument will, quite rightly, do nothing other than frustrate her further. As advised above, sit her down, ask her to explain to you why it has angered her so, listen to her and take on board what she says. The last bit is the most important and no "grand gesture" is going to work better than that.

DapperGent · 03-10-2008 05:58AM

Thaedydal wrote: »

Lads what is important is how she views it and if she thinks it was a deal breaker.
Clearly she does.

Wow seriously? What's important is whether her reaction is reasonable or not surely?

If I pulled this crap on my girlfriend I'd expect to her to be rightfully pissed off but if she was prepared to burn a ten year relationship for it my thoughts would swiftly move to whether I wanted that relationship in the first place.

LegacyUser · 03-10-2008 06:02AM

DapperGent wrote: »

If I pulled this crap on my girlfriend I'd expect to her to be rightfully pissed off but if she was prepared to burn a ten year relationship for it my thoughts would swiftly move to whether I wanted that relationship in the first place.

DapperGent thats pretty much exactly what I am thinking at this moment to a T.

spurious · 03-10-2008 06:47AM

Perhaps there is more to this and what he did was the last straw.
We only have one person's side of things.

Personally, what he did would be a deal breaker for me.

thebiggestjim · 03-10-2008 07:32AM

Maybe she is looking for an excuse to get out of the relationship. Were there problems before this? Sounds a bit over the top to me.

Macha · 03-10-2008 09:14AM

DapperGent wrote: »

If I pulled this crap on my girlfriend I'd expect to her to be rightfully pissed off but if she was prepared to burn a ten year relationship for it my thoughts would swiftly move to whether I wanted that relationship in the first place.

Wow yes, because her being unsure of her boyfriend is obviously way worse than lying and filming her naked without her knowledge and consent, oh and then not telling her afterwards :rolleyes:

Note: HE'S the one thinking of breaking up with HER - so basically your point doesn't stand. OP you're in cuckoo land and are just hanging on to posters who agree with you. How convenient.

AckwelFoley · 03-10-2008 09:52AM

DapperGent wrote: »

Wow seriously? What's important is whether her reaction is reasonable or not surely?

If I pulled this crap on my girlfriend I'd expect to her to be rightfully pissed off but if she was prepared to burn a ten year relationship for it my thoughts would swiftly move to whether I wanted that relationship in the first place.

Thats avery good point.

After 10 years she should really know him, and i know if i did the same with my ex, id get a punch in the jewls and probably spat on when i was in agony on the ground, but she'd know ne well enough that i was essentially only dickin around.

If it was with my current gf.. she'd probably want me to add music to it and upload it to my facebook account ;D

badolepuddytat · 03-10-2008 10:10AM

DirtyOldMan wrote: »

A lot of you are mentioning that she doesn't know what else I've been upto, which is fair enough but I think after this amount of time she should at least know I'm not the type to go around showing this video elsewhere. I'm actually a bit bothered over that, as personally I wouldn't like any of my mates seeing or knowing what my girlfriend of 10 years looks like naked. Obviously not something that we have spoken about in the past, but after that amount of time I think you should at least know the mentality of your partner.

Mate, YOU should know enough to be bloody careful with a video like that of your partner. I know your intentions weren't malicious, just thoughtless and now you're feeling hard-done by because she's so pissed over your guy needs thing. Guess what, she 's a girl and she has needs too, she needs to know she's safe in her new house. If my husband did that I'd be pissed that he didn't tell me but twice as pissed that he wasn't careful enough about MY privacy and intimacy to wipe the card.

I respect that its a complete invasion of privacy on my behalf, but not something to warrant the breakup of a serious long term relationship in my eyes. I know I am in the wrong to certain degrees, but I can't understand how it comes across as "sick" to a lot of you to be honest. Its not porn, its not another woman. Its a very small clip of the woman that I love and have shared over 10 years of my life with.

It's very small to you, having something like that out there about you is huge to you especially if you haven't agreed to it. While your intentions were (relatively - and I use the word loosely) honourable in that you wouldn't show your mates, what if you'd lent the card to someone? Or you'd lost it? At least it was just her sister that saw it, mortifying as that would be it could've been so much worse for her because of your carelessness.

DapperGent wrote: »

If I pulled this crap on my girlfriend I'd expect to her to be rightfully pissed off but if she was prepared to burn a ten year relationship for it my thoughts would swiftly move to whether I wanted that relationship in the first place.

I can see your point but the poor girl must've gotten such a fright, he was a total tool and if he's playing it down as harmless then I understand why she'd want to dump him. Of course it's harmless to him, he's not the one who was going to be embarrassed or used for others gratification should that card have gotten into the wrong hands. Yes, she lent the card but he should not have had that on it in the first place without her permission.

nacho libre · 03-10-2008 12:46PM

Pete4779 wrote: »

No-one's mentioned so far that his gf decided to lend the memory card from his own video camera to her sister, without telling him.

That shows she is just as presumptuous about privacy as he is. Has she lent other thigns belonging to him to other people without asking?

good point.
Also,i wonder has she ever discussed his performance in bed with her friends. i would consider this a betrayal of privacy too. to me it's completely disrespectful to discuss your sex life with your partner to a third party. of course most people viewing this don't view this as a breach of privacy. yet many of you are up in arms over this see that as harmless. to me respecting privacy goes both ways. as this poster pointed out she should not have taken his camera without permission. how does he know she hasn't invaded his privacy in other ways?
they both were in the wrong here- obviously him to a greater degree but if people are going to focus on the privacy then it must cut both ways.
to be honest i think she was looking for a way out. after 10 years she should know he is not a pervert. if i was the op i would not want to be with someone who, after 10 years, could have such a low opinion of me.

Macha · 03-10-2008 02:23PM

Whoah whoah, what's with the assumptions? How do you know it wasn't *their* video camera? Talk about taking an idea out of thin air & running with it...

nacho libre · 03-10-2008 04:03PM

taconnol wrote: »

Whoah whoah, what's with the assumptions? How do you know it wasn't *their* video camera? Talk about taking an idea out of thin air & running with it...

The fact he stated it was his camera in his first post.

RuailleBuaille · 03-10-2008 04:20PM

metaoblivia wrote: »

I'm really shocked by some of the opinions on here. I bet many of those people have never been filmed in a private moment without their consent. I have. I had a stalker who took pictures and videos of me without my consent, and claimed to have taken some in my home. I only found out when he tried to use the video to blackmail me into giving him my new address (I moved to a different part of the country after he broke into my home and assaulted me). You have no idea how violated this makes you feel. No idea.
No one has a right to film anyone else without their consent. The difference between the OP's case and porn is that the girls in porn are paid professionals who are knowingly being filmed. It doesn't matter that the OP was in a relationship with this girl - it doesn't give him the right to invade her privacy, never mind film her without her consent or knowledge.
If it was truly a bit of fun, why not tell her and let her in on the fun?
In any event, I would have dumped the OP too. A disregard of privacy is a deal breaker for me.

I'm sorry about what happened to you, that is truly awful but I think your experience may have coloured your perspective. In other words, you're not comparing like with like. Your stalker had sinister intentions, I personally don't feel that is the case here. I agree he should have told her (and don't really get why he didn't

) but for me, it's hardly a red card offense. Her reaction sounds disproportionate to the actual events. Her sister saw her naked, big deal. Maybe it's just because it would have given me a giggle that I think she's over-reacting.
In reply to those who are giving out about people saying 'I'd be delighted if my bf of 10 years was that into me', I think you're missing their point. My understanding is that they mean that attraction wanes after a long time and it's reassuring to know your OH still finds you so attractive. In this age of technological wonders, there are many other (worse) ways people can get their kicks.
Just my 2c.

emma6606 · 03-10-2008 04:30PM

I think she went way OTT... i can understand she's embarassed, but surely this is something she can laugh about later?
It wouldnt bother my if my fella did it - i'd laugh at him!

RuailleBuaille · 03-10-2008 04:35PM

emma6606 wrote: »

I think she went way OTT... i can understand she's embarassed, but surely this is something she can laugh about later?
It wouldnt bother my if my fella did it - i'd laugh at him!

I agreed with you until I read your sig. It makes me :rolleyes: Some advice: maybe don't go to such lengths to let everyone know you're a small minded individual. And I'm from Clondalkin so the Northside thing doesn't apply.

emma6606 · 03-10-2008 04:37PM

Ow im sorry... I didnt mean to upset you...

*No Northsiders were harmed in the making of this post

mossyj · 03-10-2008 04:51PM

I think she is over-reacting a bit too tbh...

i mean if my g/f (of 8 years) recorded me in the shower for a laugh/perv id be annoyed she didnt tell me but id get over it quickly enough.

if the recording then fell into third party hands by accident id be more annoyed & it would take me longer to get over it.

But i wouldnt see 1 lapse in judgement as a betrayal of trust.

Cheeky_gal · 03-10-2008 04:51PM

Note, I haven't read any commets on this thread cuz i don't want them to influence my opinion, i just wanna give my own opinion...so apologies in advance.

DirtyOldMan wrote: »

I have broken up with my girlfriend of 10+ years over not something exactly stupid but in my eyes doesn't warrant a breakup.

After all of that, which was clearly your fault entirely, how were you the one to break up with her??

DirtyOldMan wrote: »

Now she didn't actually see me videoing her.

How on earth did she not see you??

DirtyOldMan wrote: »

Anyhow thoughts please, what should I do?

Personally, I don't think it warrants a break up, especially as you've been together for 10 years. After such a lengthy time I would assume she'd know your personality inside out, hence she'd be like "ah well it was a once off, totally out of character thing" but tbh it sounds as though it wasn't out of character...

Sorry I'm terrible at getting points across but yano like if my boyfriend did that i'd be furious but i would forgive him cuz I know he's not actually like that and wouldn't do it again...

So obviously, she clearly has trust issues with you...

One thing I myself have learned though, never beg. Ever. However, as you were the one that was in the wrong you should beg....you owe her everything to make it up to her and prove to her that you are genuinely sorry.

Throwing in the towel is both lazy and represents a coward...

cute_cow · 03-10-2008 05:14PM

Pigletlover wrote: »

I think your girlfriend is over-reacting tbh. I can see why she would be pissed off, you filmed her in the shower without her permission, didn't tell her afterwards and then her sister seen the video, but I don't think it warrants a break up.

I completly agree with this. I have been with my BF for over 5 years and if he did this to me, yes I would be pissed off, however I def wouldn't break up, she is over-reacting.

Sumire · 03-10-2008 06:37PM

(Forgive me if I repeat anyone, but like the poster above I didn't want to get distracted by others opinions)
I would think that's a serious over reaction tbh, surely if you are together that long she would know whether or not you're the sort of bloke who'd show their mates, which would be the only problem I'd have.
This might be a bit harsh, but do you think maybe she wanted to finish & used this as an excuse?

Also, if a boyfriend of 10 years still found me hot enough to get turned on watching me shower I'd be pretty happy!

St Bill · 03-10-2008 10:27PM

In his opening post, the OP said that HE wanted to break up with HER because he thought she was over-reacting to what he did. It sounds to me that he doesn't take what he did seriously (or his girlfriend's reaction for that matter) and would rather end a ten year relationship than try and work it out. First of all, I really don't think it's fair to say that his girlfriend is over-reacting when it's he who wants to end the relationship. And second of all, surely his girlfriend has some say in what her boyfriend can and cannot do to her?? Or is her opinion null and void because 'she's on the rag (to quote another poster)/She has the painters in/Insert your own juvenile comment here'?

And OP, you're really not doing yourself any favours by using the moniker 'Dirtyoldman'

scoot on · 03-10-2008 10:50PM

Personally, if I was your gf, I'd be really upset by it but not because of the video. I'd be really upset because you hadn't told me. I know that if my bf did something like that he'd show it to me when I got out of the shower and we'd have a laugh about it. We've done the video thing and I've no problem with it but if I found out that he had one and had kept a secret of it then i'd be really suspicious. I'd think he was showing it off to people. If you're with your gf for 10 years what is the point of keeping it a secret? I just don't get it. If it's something you enjoyed you should have told her. She probably would have been flattered.

So I don't really think she's upset over the video, I think she's upset because you kept the whole thing a secret.

Overature · 03-10-2008 10:54PM

she doesn't know what youve done with that video, i know you proberly havent done anything but its going to be a while before she trusts you again. your going to have to builf that back up

somethingwitty · 03-10-2008 11:17PM

Seriously she is over reacting!
If you were only going out for a few lonths it would not be cool, but surely after 10 years she should know what you are like?! She said all these crazy things like you have a problem and youre sick or whatever, but after 10 years she should know who you are. And if you are what you say you are, then she should know you enought by now to know that you like to fool around like that... and its just harmless fun for you...
A someone said, it would not be such a big deal if her sis didnt see it, and she is probably embarassed. Her embarassement is coming out through anger, at you. She went a bit over the top with this. There is no need to beg for forgiveness unless its your complete last resort.
But you could try to do something nice to show youre sorry the whole situation happened itself...
I know I wouldnt mind if my guy did it to me... she just has to understand its a bit of an unusual accident..

Quackles · 04-10-2008 10:23AM

I just love the way the "she's overreacting" brigade are consistently ignoring the fact that HE is breaking up with HER over her reaction. It sounded to me like she didn't dump him, but isn't forgiving him immediately, which is fair enough - the embarrassment alone is going to keep her angry for a while. My bet is that he approached the conversation with her using the same "get over it, it's not that bad" attitude that he's bringing here. If I was in her shoes, I think I'd be more annoyed and concerned over the fact that he thinks being a man with needs makes what he did ok, rather than behaving like a decent human being, seeing what he did was wrong, and groveling like there is no tomorrow.

OP, if you had any respect at all for your partner, you'd see that you crossed a line. Not everyone draws their lines in the same place, but you knew damn well that line was there, you as much as admitted it when you said you didnt tell her about the video because you wanted to keep it. Apologise, reassure her of your intentions, tell her you'd hate the idea of others seeing her naked too, but if you want to hold on to her, stop trying to defend yourself and own up to hurting her.

DarkJager · 04-10-2008 12:00PM

I wonder what the female posters here would be saying if it was a male who was videoed by his girlfriend? I've seen it plenty of times where a female might have "risque" pictures of her BF in her phone and takes delight out of having a good giggle with her friends about them....trust the female species to be the biggest hypocrites walking the earth...

IMO she is over reacting, and OP should make one apology and one only. If she doesn't accept that and still plays victim to the max, then just drop her...

RoosterIllusion · 04-10-2008 12:13PM

DirtyOldMan wrote: »

Yes Thaedydal, this is exactly the tone on of her anger with me. The point I am failing at is that, I didn't do it out of lack of respect for her. To be honest I was actually pretty stunned with her comments, I don't get how exactly I am a pervert if its my own girlfriend of 10 years that I am looking at?. Is it not natural for me to want to see her naked, how does that make me perverted or some kind of sex fiend?.

The kicker is, that if I had of just told her about it at the time she probably would have just posed and had a laugh or something. Anyways I guess its probably just best to give me sincere apologies and let her go on her way.

Why is it though that most women accept that guys look at porn, or check out other girls or even masturbate thinking about other girls (my ex also is of this mindset), though I make a 5 minute video of her and its such a big deal?. That is the part I am struggling with to be honest...likes its un-natural that I have those urges about her?. Doesn't make any sense to me at all. If it was the other way round minus the family seeing the video, I think I would be a bit flattered.

I think that in doing it you completely avoiding (not flaunted) her feelings.

Perhaps it was a method of breaking up with her? I mean this seems out of character for you and after ten years I assume it's a make or break situation to have a major fight like that.

I think that you put yourself in a position where you could break up with her. forgetting about the video was a stupid thing to do, not because she forgot it but because it shows exactly how much you care about her.

Regardless of any of that sh!te anyway, after ten years you should be able to apologise (if you feel like it) and for that apology to at least be taken on board by her, whether or not its accepted. I think she is acting like a tool too. But then again you don't really know the full extent of the position you have put her in. I mean if she had found the video it could have ended up in a load of extra sex for you, but her sister?! urg :eek:

Quackles · 04-10-2008 12:15PM

DarkJager wrote: »

I wonder what the female posters here would be saying if it was a male who was videoed by his girlfriend? I've seen it plenty of times where a female might have "risque" pictures of her BF in her phone and takes delight out of having a good giggle with her friends about them....trust the female species to be the biggest hypocrites walking the earth...

IMO she is over reacting, and OP should make one apology and one only. If she doesn't accept that and still plays victim to the max, then just drop her...

I can safely say the same thing. And if I did that, I dont think one apology would fix things between me and my husband. That's not what OP did, though, he never took the video to share it, but he just needs to acknowledge that what he did was wrong. And saying "I'm sorry, but.." does not constitute an apology - How can he apologise to her properly if he doesnt really feel like he did anything wrong?

Storm_rages · 04-10-2008 01:49PM

wow op, you would seriously be in the dog with me. Its just not on! You had no right to do it and now your talking about dumping her.. eh...

No one has the right to take pictures/video of anyone else naked with out permission. (end of story!). She trusted you and you let her down. You have to accept that and make it up to her. And yes i think that means letting her "let off steam". I would have a name or two to call my husband if he did this to me but I am sure she will calm down after a bit.

On the dumping issue, i think you need to accept that you have hurt her but the fact you have dumped her/or are thinking about dumping her suggests to me you don't really care that you have hurt her...

Ten years or not i'm thinking she might be better off without you (not cause of what you did but because of the way you are acting now). It seems to me like you are saying "yes i hurt you, i did something wrong, but you better get over it or i will dump you"

Nevyn · 04-10-2008 02:47PM

emma6606
RuailleBuaille

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Yeah I'm in the wrong but is this really that big of a deal??

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