Yeah I'm in the wrong but is this really that big of a deal??

LegacyUser

I will try to make this as short as possible, just looking for an opinion or two. I have broken up with my girlfriend of 10+ years over not something exactly stupid but in my eyes doesn't warrant a breakup.

Basically we moved into a house a while back and one night while she was taking a shower, I took about a 5 minute video on my camera of her taking a shower. Let me stress that this is not something I am into by any means, it was simply a once off just being a lad etc. Now she didn't actually see me videoing her nor did she know that I had done it.

Obviously I love how my girlfriends looks and like what she looks like naked, so yes I hung onto the video to cop a peek at her in the nip once in a while but then basically the whole thing slipped my mind. To cut a long story short, she lent her sister the memory card from my camera and well you can guess what happened from there...

So my girlfriend has thrown a complete wobbler, called me a pervert, dirty minded so and so etc and give me a huge lecture on how filming her without her consent is against the law etc, basically making me out to be the worst in the world. She actually now thinks that I have some sort of sex sickness..

Now I do understand this. I understand that she is probably majorly embarressed about her sister seeing it and I understand that she probably thinks that I make a habit of it, or that I have been showing it to mates or something. Which is totally understandable, but I honestly would never do anything or the sort. It was merely a once off thing, acting the bollox at home one night.

Yes she should be angry but its at the stage where she never wants to talk to me again over it, I really don't think it warrants that. It's not like its some other girl, it was her naked I was looking at??.

Anyhow thoughts please, what should I do?. I'm actually thinking of knocking it on the head after her making me out to be a complete pervert when really I'm just a young enogh guy with a healthy appetite for sex who likes to look at his other half naked. Is that so bad??

Marksie

It depends on whether you believe that making a video without knowledge or permission of your partner consititutes "betrayal of trust".

You may see it as merely embarrassing, she sees it as the above. The idea of being a pervert is secondary tbh.

If you cannot see and accept the above you are best knocking it on the head

tbh

marksie is right, this is a complete breakdown of trust. She didn't break up with you solely because you took a video of her in the shower - she broke up with her because she's thinking "Maybe he has video of us having sex? Maybe he has LOADS of videos of me in the shower and he's been showing all his mates?" And of course, you'll tell her you don't, but then you would say that, wouldn't you? And she might have believed you, but then she wouldn't have thought you'd have taken footage of her in the nude without saying it to her (during or since), so why should she believe you now? And if she can't believe you about this, this fundamental lack of respect, then what can she believe you about?

If you want her back, apologise, apologise and then apologise again. Tell her you know you betrayed her and left her incredibly vulnerable, and that you'll do anything you can to get her back. And be prepared for her to tell you to fcuk off.

You probably knew she wouldn't be happy with you doing this - otherwise you would have asked her permission first. You did it anyway. Deal with the consequences man.

LegacyUser

Point taken lads, yes I betrayed her trust. Though when your looking at a naked women in front of you its not exactly what you think of at the time unfortunately. I'm actually more embaressed about it myself now to be honest...

Though we were in a relationship for a very long time, aside from everything else do you not think that deep down she knows it was only a bit of harmless fun on my part??.

Karen_*

Its a really big deal. You fimed her, didn't make it known you were doing it and then didn't tell her about it after. So why were you doing it? Because 'for your own personal enjoyment' doesn't really cut it when it was all so underhanded.

Nevyn

DirtyOldMan wrote: »

Though we were in a relationship for a very long time, aside from everything else do you not think that deep down she knows it was only a bit of harmless fun on my part??.

Chances are she is in shock that you have done this, if it is as out of character as you say then she is wondering if she knew you at all and what other things you have done with out her permission. You lack of regard for her, lack of respect for her, that you invaded her privacy and had the opportunity to show what to who knows how many people, may have soured all that she thinks of you and mean the end of the relationship, which is she is possibly grieving.

Some things are for people utter deal breakers, lack of respect and such an invasion of privacy would be deal breakers for a lot of people.

Pol Pot

Pol Pot disagrees with the above consensus.
To call it a betrayal of trust is a bit much. Pol Pot wonders what happened to the 10 years of kudos built up , surely it warrants forgiving a "naughty" deed as this.
Yes, indeed Pol Pot sees the OP's actions as merely naughty.
Personally Pol Pot believes she is over reacting.

Had the relationship been in it's infancy perhaps Pol Pot would agree with the previous posters. But it's a 10 year plus relationship.

Pol Pot does wonder OP about your motivation for retaining the offending video? Surely once you had a look you would have deleted it.
Perhaps your gf is worried that you were showing it about in the pub.
But after 10 years Pol Pot would imagine , assuming it's a decent relationship, that she would believe you.

Pol Pot suspects that she is mortified that her sister saw the video and her motivation for dumping you is not what you did but because her sister saw the video.

Either way apart from grovelling, flowers,chocolates there is not much you can do.

Nevyn

I think the betrayal of 10 years of trust is worse, if he didn't know at that stage it was a 'wrong ' things to do ( which he must of otherwise he would have asked or shown her the vid after he took it) at that stage of the relationship and was willing to treat her like his property to do with what he wished maybe she is better off with out him.

What he did was wrong, disrespectful and he needs to be careful as she is in possession of the sim card that she doesn't go to the garda with it.

TerrorFirmer

DirtyOldMan wrote: »

Though we were in a relationship for a very long time, aside from everything else do you not think that deep down she knows it was only a bit of harmless fun on my part??.

Absolutely. It's horrendously embarrassing and I can see where one might be a little annoyed and ask that's it's never done again, but if I did that to my girlfriend....I really don't think she'd care, she'd just be mortified and we'd probably have a laugh over it later. At worst she would ask that I ask her permission next time, but it would not be an issue as such. I know with my ex she definitely wouldn't care, in fact she'd probably be happy that I took a video of her in the first place, for example - the point I'm getting at is these people would automatically realise it was a case of 'You look great in there, I'm going to take a video for myself', not some dirty, degrading alterior motive. Whether or not it's inappropriate in their eyes doesn't really change that, after the initial fallout things should be able to return to normal - I'd wonder about the nature of your relationship to be honest, if a simple video of your girlfriend is the shower means the end of it all after such a long period together. Now that said of course not everyone reacts in the same way and it's a perfectly acceptable entitlement to be very insulted by the whole affair but on the whole, it's a ridiculously silly thing to break up over, and an equally silly thing to call someone a dirty pervert/sex addict over in my opinion.

I'd just sit her down and say 'Listen, my girlfriend was in the shower and looking fantastic, that was my only motivation for taking the video, I'm really sorry that I didn't consider where it might lead but I promise it'll never happen again.'

Not much more you can say and if the story is as described here then I think she is totally over-reacting in the long term.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

You lack of regard for her, lack of respect for her

Yes Thaedydal, this is exactly the tone on of her anger with me. The point I am failing at is that, I didn't do it out of lack of respect for her. To be honest I was actually pretty stunned with her comments, I don't get how exactly I am a pervert if its my own girlfriend of 10 years that I am looking at?. Is it not natural for me to want to see her naked, how does that make me perverted or some kind of sex fiend?.

The kicker is, that if I had of just told her about it at the time she probably would have just posed and had a laugh or something. Anyways I guess its probably just best to give me sincere apologies and let her go on her way.

Why is it though that most women accept that guys look at porn, or check out other girls or even masturbate thinking about other girls (my ex also is of this mindset), though I make a 5 minute video of her and its such a big deal?. That is the part I am struggling with to be honest...likes its un-natural that I have those urges about her?. Doesn't make any sense to me at all. If it was the other way round minus the family seeing the video, I think I would be a bit flattered.

Feelgood

I think I would have to go with TerrorFirmer on this one, but can also see why she might be a bit peeved. Hopefully she will have a laugh at it when the dust settles OP.

EM2008

As a woman who has a bf who often tries to take sneaky pics of me i think its funny a compliment i must say he's never descrete about it though so i always catch him and i don't care... i think your gf is completely over reacting and must have just been embarrassed that her sis seen the video, her sis is either saying my god you let him video you or what a perv he did it with out you knowing
I think if the sister never seen it there wouldn't be an issue...

ziedth

Pol Pot wrote: »

Pol Pot suspects that she is mortified that her sister saw the video and her motivation for dumping you is not what you did but because her sister saw the video.
QUOTE]

Why in god's name would you talk in the third person?

I kinda agree with both sides of the argument If my Other half had this happen too her I would imagine she would hit the roof. I do beg the question though why didn't you tell her when she came out of the shower? In saying that after 10 years it does seem madness to break up over it. Hope it turns out ok for ya!

Pete4779

No-one's mentioned so far that his gf decided to lend the memory card from his own video camera to her sister, without telling him.

That shows she is just as presumptuous about privacy as he is. Has she lent other thigns belonging to him to other people without asking?

Pigletlover

I think your girlfriend is over-reacting tbh. I can see why she would be pissed off, you filmed her in the shower without her permission, didn't tell her afterwards and then her sister seen the video, but I don't think it warrants a break up.

I can't understand why you didn't just either ask you if she'd mind you making a video of her, or at the very least tell her that you had made the video. That way if she wasn't comfortable with it she could have told you that she'd prefer if you didn't, or if you had already made it then asked you to delete it.

milod

OP, there's probably a case for saying your g/f's reaction was a little OTT.

10 years must mean something, but I've a feeling her reaction is being led by her interpretation of the expectations of others. For example, now that her sister is aware that she lives with such a 'pervert' she has no choice but to crank up the drama a little...

Sounds to me like she's over-reacting. I'm not saying she's no right to be annoyed or embarrassed - you certainly did break trust here. You've a major apology to make, but that shouldn't involve begging her to come home...

Burial

Yes its that big of a deal. She can't trust you anywhere now, because who knows what/when you did this before or if you did this before. If it was you just being a lad[no, it wasn't], then you would've told her or deleted it. It sounds very pervy to video someone you trust doing something privately without their consent, especially NOT telling them after.

I don't think she's over-reacting. Imagine your best friend recording you while showering and a year later that being shown to your father. You'd forgive and forget??? It's a huge invasion of privacy. Why did you need to record it anyway when you can see her naked ALL the time anyway??

tbh

DirtyOldMan wrote: »

The kicker is, that if I had of just told her about it at the time she probably would have just posed and had a laugh or something.

so why didn't you?

Ginny

TBH its an invasion of privacy, so what you're together 10 years, so what she'd have posed if ask. The point is you didn't ask and you didn't tell her, she wasn't given the option of consent or to delete the video.
It's a complete lack of respect and I can see how she doesn't trust you, no matter how many times you say it was the one video, why should she believe you?

DirtyOldMan wrote: »

To be honest I was actually pretty stunned with her comments, I don't get how exactly I am a pervert if its my own girlfriend of 10 years that I am looking at?. Is it not natural for me to want to see her naked, how does that make me perverted or some kind of sex fiend?.

If you respected her you'd have asked her, why didn't you? according to yourself she would have agreed, why did you need to film her unawares?

Burial

Also for those that are saying that the OP's GF was somehow wrong in dumping him, take it from the other side. 10 years of trust in him and him being her best-friend, who is supposed to know her and their boundries etc. And he does this. It'd tell me he has no respect for her, as a person. Just as a sexual object. 10 years of relationship means nothing if the man had no respect for her. Had she broken up with him for nothing, THEN he'd have a case. However thats not the scenario here.

rvd156

I would have to say she is over reacting....

A 10 year relationship shows that there is trust built well into that relationship..So to say he has betrayed the trust is stupid (in a way) because there are 101 worse things you could do to betray someones trust...But I can also see it from her point about breaking the trust...(CONFUSION)

He simply was doing it to admire his missus body whenever he wanted to...She should be happy in a way that her man is happy with her body as most women worry about their apperaance....Espically in the nip....

I mean I can understand her anger at her sister finding it...And dude yeah you could have told her that you recorded her...It would have made sense to tell her.....

BUT you must apologise to her and see what happens....

The fact you even forgot that you had recorded her on the camera shows you ain't some sort of pervert....

And to be fair if she is willing to throw a 10 year relationship away on something like this then she obv isn't stable herself....

I do see her point but she is pushing it a bit....

What she going to tell people "my man recorded me in the shower so I dumped him and our 10 year relationship" hardly the most hateful thing a man can do....

Burial

rvd156 wrote: »

I would have to say she is over reacting....

A 10 year relationship shows that there is trust built well into that relationship..So to say he has betrayed the trust is stupid (in a way) because there are 101 worse things you could do to betray someones trust...But I can also see it from her point about breaking the trust...(CONFUSION)

He simply was doing it to admire his missus body whenever he wanted to...She should be happy in a way that her man is happy with her body as most women worry about their apperaance....Espically in the nip....

I mean I can understand her anger at her sister finding it...And dude yeah you could have told her that you recorded her...It would have made sense to tell her.....

BUT you must apologise to her and see what happens....

The fact you even forgot that you had recorded her on the camera shows you ain't some sort of pervert....

And to be fair if she is willing to throw a 10 year relationship away on something like this then she obv isn't stable herself....

I do see her point but she is pushing it a bit....

What she going to tell people "my man recorded me in the shower so I dumped him and our 10 year relationship" hardly the most hateful thing a man can do....

What would your reaction be if he recorded her while she was sleeping? Same thing. Could've happen all/any of the time she was asleep/having a shower.

*NOTE*

I'm not saying he did this action.

Macha

rvd156 wrote: »

What she going to tell people "my man recorded me in the shower so I dumped him and our 10 year relationship" hardly the most hateful thing a man can do....

No, she's going to say (if she wants to) "my man decided to record me naked in the shower without my consent or knowledge. He continued to fail to tell me after the fact and I only found out through a chance happening. Otherwise, how do I know he would ever have told me? so I dumped him..."

SpookyDoll

She's over-reacting altogether, I'd say led along by the nose by her sister too.

I cannot believe she broke up with you over this, to me its like she was already unhappy about something else and decided to use this as an excuse to break up.

I dont get how its breaking trust at all, its not like you filmed her taking a dump or something....I'd be well flattered if my fella did this.

unhappycamper

You were having a bit of sexual fun, she is completely over reacting and I can only predict she is using this as an excuse to break up or something.

rvd156

SpookyDoll wrote: »

I dont get how its breaking trust at all, its not like you filmed her taking a dump or something....I'd be well flattered if my fella did this.

My point exactly...

Dude I think there is a totally different reason why she is reacting like this....

I wouldn't call this A REALLY SERIOUS issue....

Theres men out there doing god awful thing to women and they get away with it.....

Why should this man suffer because he made a minor slip up....

meglome

I feel sorry for the OP, after ten years you'd think certain things were not out of bounds especially since he wasn't showing anyone else. I'm sorry but I'd only see a betrayal of trust here if he was actually showing someone else, presumably he saw her naked quite regularly, although that said I don't think I'd do it myself without permission. Lighten up on the poor guy I really don't think the punishment fitted the crime. Seriously after ten years you would think that's the OP's other half wouldn't be so uptight about this even though I can see she'd be embarrassed. In this situation there's no way on earth he's a pervert for doing it.

Burial

Are ye saying that an invasion of privacy is ok, if you've known the person for 10 years?? Or are you saying an invasion of privacy is ok because they've been going out for 10 years? How about if it was 8? 4? 2? 1? a month? When does this action get accpetable?

How about if this was a regular occurance, and you found a room full of tapes with just his GF showering? how about a quarter of the times she went to shower. Ok how about 30 times. How about 10? 5? 2? 1? I'm sorry, it doesn't get better as you go down. Having consent is different. He didn't have it and she wasn't a willingful participant. How much of the time is he allowed do this before the GF can break-up with him?

tbh

I'm not a woman, or the OP's partner but even I can see why this is a big deal to her.

If you'd asked her a week ago "Would your partner ever video you naked without your consent or knowledge?" She would have said "no, of course not, he knows me better than that".

If you asked her now, she would have to say yes. So, if you ALSO asked her "Would your boyfriend show those videos to his mates?" She would probably say "a week ago I would have said no, but now I don't know". Her faith in the OP has been completely destroyed. She MAY calm down in a week or so, but if she didn't, I wouldn't blame her. Sorry OP.

Nevyn

A bit of sexual fun is not recording your partner when naked with out thier permission in a place that they feel safe in.

You were well out of order and I don't blame her for being freaked and embarrased and
doubting you. How does she know you didn't upload it on to some dodgy pron site ?
She must be thinking the worse of you and I can't say I blame her, if you want her back you need to give her space and then grovel like fúck and hope that she will listen.

rvd156

People make mistakes...We all ain't saints you know....

Lay off him....