Best Comebacks

Al_Fernz · 17-06-2008 01:26PM

Comedy club and a heckler shouts something or other at a very bad (woman) comedian.

Woman comedian responds in a patronising tone: oh so we have a comedian here.

Heckler : Yeah, we wish ya fat b1tch

Reganio 2 · 17-06-2008 01:26PM

Acid_Violet wrote: »

Slag me when you reach puberty.

You talking to me? Oh god your so funny, a hard man on an internet forum well done to you.

wandatowell · 17-06-2008 01:32PM

Gordon Strachan what a man

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there.

Reporter: "Gordon, what will you take from today?"
Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish, the expiry date is today.

Reporter: There goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge.

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. So I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick - down negative man, down.

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless.

Reporter: Where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?"
Strachan: "I don't do impressions"

Reporter: So Gordon, any changes then?
Strachan: Naw, still 5ft 6, ginger and a big nose!

Gary Lineker: So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play?
Strachan: If I was English I'd top myself!

What a funny guy

Climate Expert · 17-06-2008 01:36PM

Another of his gems:
Woman: Winston, you are very drunk.
WInston: And Bessie, you are very ugly but in the morning I shall be sober.

That doesn't really work if you are Winston Churchill.

Mossy Monk · 17-06-2008 01:48PM

Reganio 2 wrote: »

You talking to me? Oh god your so funny, a hard man on an internet forum well done to you.

Seems to me that Acid_Violet was posting a witty comeback, just like everybody else on the thread

dilallio · 17-06-2008 01:50PM

My buddy tried unsucessfully to chat up the same snobbish girl 3 times in a niteclub one night.
At the end of the nite, he walked over to her and said:
"You know, I really wanted to talk to u, because u remind me of a famous movie-star"
"Really? " she replied. "Which movie-star" while flicking her hair back.
"Lassie" he replied.

Reganio 2 · 17-06-2008 01:55PM

Mossy Monk wrote: »

Seems to me that Acid_Violet was posting a witty comeback, just like everybody else on the thread

Yeah I only thought of that when I gave it a minute. Sorry Acid_Violet, I am very sensitive

.

JP Liz · 17-06-2008 01:59PM

wandatowell wrote: »

Gordon Strachan what a man

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there.

Reporter: "Gordon, what will you take from today?"
Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish, the expiry date is today.

Reporter: There goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge.

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. So I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick - down negative man, down.

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless.

Reporter: Where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?"
Strachan: "I don't do impressions"

Reporter: So Gordon, any changes then?
Strachan: Naw, still 5ft 6, ginger and a big nose!

Gary Lineker: So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play?
Strachan: If I was English I'd top myself!

What a funny guy

Gordon Strachan's interviews are funny

Miguel_Sanchez · 17-06-2008 02:01PM

Reganio 2 wrote: »

Yeah I only thought of that when I gave it a minute. Sorry Acid_Violet, I am very sensitive .

Ironically your comeback to her in this thread was pretty weak.

Climate Expert · 17-06-2008 02:01PM

dilallio wrote: »

My buddy tried unsucessfully to chat up the same snobbish girl 3 times in a niteclub one night.
At the end of the nite, he walked over to her and said:
"You know, I really wanted to talk to u, because u remind me of a famous movie-star"
"Really? " she replied. "Which movie-star" while flicking her hair back.
"Lassie" he replied.

How pathetic. More so that you seem impressed by it.

Acid_Violet · 17-06-2008 02:02PM

Reganio 2 wrote: »

Yeah I only thought of that when I gave it a minute. Sorry Acid_Violet, I am very sensitive .

Yeah, that came across...

Btw, I'm a gal.

JP Liz · 17-06-2008 02:09PM

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilised!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

SV · 17-06-2008 02:42PM

Climate Expert wrote: »

How pathetic. More so that you seem impressed by it.

That's what she said.

cabrwab · 17-06-2008 04:29PM

Slightly Racist but funny none the less. Forgot about it earlier.
Circa 2000 tara st train station Northbound platform.
Little scumbags giving a chinese guy a horrible time. Eventually somebody pipes up eh fu*k off you little shi*e's"
They bugger off. One of the staff of CIE walks up to the visibly shaken chinese guy ask's him is he alright. THe chinese bloke says you weren't around when i needed your help so ill survive. The cie guy says "Ok.........(looks at him) you are the weakest CHINK(chinc, not sure correct spelling) goodbye".

You could see people not wanting to laugh. But everybody found it funny.

Rb · 17-06-2008 04:58PM

cabrwab wrote: »

Slightly Racist but funny none the less. Forgot about it earlier.
Circa 2000 tara st train station Northbound platform.
Little scumbags giving a chinese guy a horrible time. Eventually somebody pipes up eh fu*k off you little shi*e's"
They bugger off. One of the staff of CIE walks up to the visibly shaken chinese guy ask's him is he alright. THe chinese bloke says you weren't around when i needed your help so ill survive. The cie guy says "Ok.........(looks at him) you are the weakest CHINK(chinc, not sure correct spelling) goodbye".

You could see people not wanting to laugh. But everybody found it funny.

That's not remotely funny tbh.

chopperbyrne · 17-06-2008 05:15PM

JP Liz wrote: »

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilised!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Liz, you're an angry, angry woman.

Is somebody not getting some lovin?!!!

cabrwab · 17-06-2008 05:16PM

Sorry thought it was! at the time. Sorry if i offended anybody. Oh well

Ninja_scrotum · 17-06-2008 05:23PM

cabrwab wrote: »

Slightly Racist but funny none the less. Forgot about it earlier.
Circa 2000 tara st train station Northbound platform.
Little scumbags giving a chinese guy a horrible time. Eventually somebody pipes up eh fu*k off you little shi*e's"
They bugger off. One of the staff of CIE walks up to the visibly shaken chinese guy ask's him is he alright. THe chinese bloke says you weren't around when i needed your help so ill survive. The cie guy says "Ok.........(looks at him) you are the weakest CHINK(chinc, not sure correct spelling) goodbye".

You could see people not wanting to laugh. But everybody found it funny.

HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! dats sum funny shiat.

thelordofcheese · 17-06-2008 05:44PM

truecrippler wrote: »

'YORE MA!' = Greatest comeback ever.

It truely is a timeless classic.

AnonoBoy · 17-06-2008 05:59PM

Irish comedian (can't remember his name - he played Father Cave in the airplane epsiode of Fr. Ted) - he's getting heckled by some drunk woman. Turns around and says "You know it's true what they say - 'you are what you eat'. And you must've eaten A ****ING **** FOR BREAKFAST!!!"

Stunned silence from drunk woman.

Not really subtle but hilarious at the same time.

Kold · 17-06-2008 06:13PM

Rb wrote: »

That's not remotely funny tbh.

This.

FruitLover · 17-06-2008 06:21PM

Climate Expert wrote: »

I paused for a moment then grabbed his throat and rammed him against the wall and whispered 'If you ever say that again to me I'll end your life'.

No, you didn't.

Sinfonia · 17-06-2008 08:21PM

Bertram: What took you so long?
Stewie: What took you so ugly?

This is of course the all-time greatest imo:

Mena wrote: »

"Oh yeah, Reilly? Well, the Jerk Store called, and they're running out of you."

chalad07 · 17-06-2008 08:27PM

It's an oldie, but a goodie:

Guy: Is that a ladder in your tights or is it a stairway to heaven.
Girl: No, it's a ladder in my tights. I've got the painters in,

Dlite · 17-06-2008 09:22PM

My favourite;

Groucho Marx: When told that a swimming pool was off-limits to Jews, Said:
My son is half-Jewish. Can he wade in up to his knees?

Class.

mahamageehad · 17-06-2008 09:28PM

wandatowell wrote: »

Gary Lineker: So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play?
Strachan: If I was English I'd top myself!

Haha lmao!

dilallio wrote: »

My buddy tried unsucessfully to chat up the same snobbish girl 3 times in a niteclub one night.
At the end of the nite, he walked over to her and said:
"You know, I really wanted to talk to u, because u remind me of a famous movie-star"
"Really? " she replied. "Which movie-star" while flicking her hair back.
"Lassie" he replied.

very good, i expect he got a drink poured ova him for his creativity tho

JP Liz wrote: »

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilised!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Best Ever!! *memorises* Yes, they will be used in future!!

Rb · 17-06-2008 09:50PM

mahamageehad wrote: »

Best Ever!! *memorises* Yes, they will be used in future!!

Irish women have a bad enough reputation (world wide) without having to use such "witty" lines tbh.

Sea Sharp · 17-06-2008 10:08PM

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Then the man turns around and says "Honey, there's two free seats over here"

tribulus · 17-06-2008 10:09PM

lol

andrew · 17-06-2008 11:11PM

Truman Capote was fond of regaling people with an anecdote about one of his finer moments. At the height of his popularity, he was drinking one evening with friends in a crowded Key West bar. Nearby sat a couple, both inebriated. The woman recognized Capote, walked over to his table, and gushingly asked him to autograph a paper napkin. The woman's husband, angry at his wife's display of interest in another man, staggered over to Capote's table and assumed an intimidating position directly in front of the diminutive writer. He then proceeded to unzip his trousers and, in Capote's own words, "hauled out his equipment." As he did this, he bellowed in a drunken slur, "Since you're autographing things, why don't you autograph this?" It was a tense moment, and a hush fell over the room. The silence was a blessing, for it allowed all those within earshot to hear Capote's soft, high-pitched voice deliver the perfect emasculating reply:"I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it."

From http://www.drmardy.com/repartee/historygreatreplies/c.shtml

Best Comebacks

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