Best Comebacks

j1smithy

Was walking past a building site earlier today. An attaractive woman also happened to be passing at the same time. Builders being builders started shouting down from the scaffolding at her, She ignored them until one hollered "Jasus you've got a great pair of tits love" She stopped and turned around shouting back "not as big as yours"! All the other lads on the job had a good laugh and he then shut up.

Any other posters have examples of some good put downs as heard on the street?

truecrippler

'YORE MA!' = Greatest comeback ever.

Call Me Jimmy

Asking someone why their name is an anagram for retard is a pretty good one.

LouOB

I like:
'its not my fault'
'i blame the parents'

ibh

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

Asking someone why their name is an anagram for retard is a pretty good one.

Still makes me laugh. R.Rated got owned...

Reku

Best one I ever heard was:
*Teacher walks in with bandaged hand*
Classmate: "what's that sir, wanker's cramp?"
Teacher: "No, your sister crossed her legs."
Classmate: "My sister's still in nappies!"

Was years ago and I still remember it, freaking hilarious!

Steve_o

farohar wrote: »

Best one I ever heard was:
*Teacher walks in with bandaged hand*
Classmate: "what's that sir, wanker's cramp?"
Teacher: "No, your sister crossed her legs."
Classmate: "My sister's still in nappies!"

Was years ago and I still remember it, freaking hilarious!

lol...:D

Can't beat "So's your face" for simplicity and maximum annoyance!

cabrwab

The best come back was to a manager in a hotel as he asked one of the guys that works with me, who is not a member of staff in the hotel, to move a table with him.

The guys says no, i don't work here. the manager says "but you i am your customer, we are a team there is no I in team"
My work mate says " yeah true, but there is a U in muppet"

The guy was stumped and the staff that does work for him broke there s**t laughing "back in your box sunshine"!

tribulus

One day in school we were walking back in from short break. One lad in a year ahead of me had bleached his hair blond which was a no no in my school.

A bald but proud teacher stops him and says "What happened to your hair"
The student says: "Sir I bleached it, what happened to yours" in the most innocent and inquisitive tone ever.

The whole hallway erupted and teacher was not happy.

Clink

truecrippler wrote: »

'YORE MA!' = Greatest comeback ever.

No it isn't.

Climate Expert

Some guy was having a go at me in work one day, having a bit of an argument. Then completely out of context he shouts 'your ma'.

I paused for a moment then grabbed his throat and rammed him against the wall and whispered 'If you ever say that again to me I'll end your life'.

Miguel_Sanchez

Climate Expert wrote: »

I paused for a moment then grabbed his throat and rammed him against the wall and whispered 'If you ever say that again to me I'll end your life'.

I've seen Good Will Hunting too.


Best one I remember from school was a young lad walking back in late after lunch chewing away. The headmaster grabs him and says "Are you chewing gum?". The lad looks up and replies "No Sir, I'm Peter Staunton!"

The kid got so much respect after that.

funk-you

Clink wrote: »

No it isn't.

+1

Climate Expert wrote: »

Some guy was having a go at me in work one day, having a bit of an argument. Then completely out of context he shouts 'your ma'.

I paused for a moment then grabbed his throat and rammed him against the wall and whispered 'If you ever say that again to me I'll end your life'.

Mad.

-Funk

The Bollox

cabrwab wrote: »

The best come back was to a manager in a hotel as he asked one of the guys that works with me, who is not a member of staff in the hotel, to move a table with him.

The guys says no, i don't work here. the manager says "but you i am your customer, we are a team there is no I in team"
My work mate says " yeah true, but there is a U in muppet"

The guy was stumped and the staff that does work for him broke there s**t laughing "back in your box sunshine"!

I can't wait to use that on someone!

RATM

truecrippler wrote: »

'YORE MA!' = Greatest comeback ever.

......around the summer of 1998

biko

"That's what SHE said" never fails

*waits for FAIL post*

The Bollox

pfft :rolleyes:

AckwelFoley

dunno where i heard it but it was funneah....

woman : if i was your wife id put poison in your tea

Man: woman, if you were my wife id drink it.

antodeco

Best Comeback ever would be re-inacting the whole of American Psycho. In your face!! :pac:

The Bollox

snyper wrote: »

dunno where i heard it but it was funneah....

woman : if i was your wife id put poison in your tea

Man: woman, if you were my wife id drink it.

that was Churchill iirc. he was teh l33t at comebacks

woman at partay: Mr Churchill, you are drunk!

Churchill: that may be so, Madam, but you are ugly. in the morning I will be sober

Lockstep

snyper wrote: »

dunno where i heard it but it was funneah....

woman : if i was your wife id put poison in your tea

Man: woman, if you were my wife id drink it.

That was Winston Churchill.

Another of his gems:
Woman: Winston, you are very drunk.
WInston: And Bessie, you are very ugly but in the morning I shall be sober.

Edit: damn you The Bollox getting in ahead of me.



Best comeback I heard was: Dude, 6 billion sperm and you were the fastest?

Al_Fernz

Student in a rush to get out at 11 o'clock break is spotted by a teacher -

Teacher - Going out for a fag Mr. Murphy.
Student - No Sir, I don't smoke.
Teacher - Did I say anything about smoking?

That student was me

Oh another time I heard a Taxi driver and another motorist having an arguement;

Motorist: Fcuk you - you're a w4nker.
Taxi Driver: Yeah and its a pity your father wasn't

Al_Fernz

Journalist: Gordon can I have a quick word please?

Gordon Strachan: Yeah, velocity.

Jigsaw

Heckler to comedian - Get off you fat f**k!!!

Comedian to heckler - Excuse me, I don't think that is very fair. The only reason I am so fat is that every time I shag yore ma she insists I have a slice of cake.

speaktofrank

Here is my favourite comeback from Churchill.


Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I'd poison your tea.


Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.

Mena

"Oh yeah, Reilly? Well, the Jerk Store called, and they're running out of you."

Jigsaw

Another classic!!

Person 1 - You're gay!!

Person 2 - Well I used to be but I don't bother my arse with it these days.

wandatowell

When I was in 6th year in school our Vice-Principle (who's was old school/hardcore type of guy) bursts in the room and shouts at one of the lads

VP: BARRY! come here to me!!!!!!

STUDENT: My names not Barry sir.

VP: Barry, don't contradict me.


The whole class just erupted,

molloyjh

A few years ago a gang of us were out for a few scoops. One of the lads, not the most popular of the bunch, was always taking the piss out of people. One girl in particular who had a very thick Dublin accent got the brunt of it. So he turns around to her that night and said:
"You talk too fast" - which was always a prelude to an accent joke. Before he could finish it one of the gang piped up:
"No mate, you just think too slow!".


My fav of all time is the one with the guy waiting in line to check on to a flight. There is a delay and he's getting more and more irate. When he finally gets to the top of the queue he decides to give the check-in lady what-for. She calmly trys to deal with him and settle him down saying there was little they could do. He then asks her;
"Do you know who I am?"
The lady at the check-in desk then, in dead-pan manner, takes her mike and announces over the loud speaker that there is a man at her counter who doesn't know who he is and if anyone can identify him they should make their way over immediately.

Reganio 2

I was walking back from the Spar with mates on a lunch break from school. Random bloke in a car with his mate stopped on the Malahide Road at traffic lights leans out and says
"Hey mate McDonalds is that way" *pointing in opposite direction* then leaning back in and laughing with his mate.
I shout over to him "Yeah mate the dole collection is that way"

Me and mates started bursting out laughing. You kinda had to be there though .

Acid_Violet

Slag me when you reach puberty.

Al_Fernz

Comedy club and a heckler shouts something or other at a very bad (woman) comedian.

Woman comedian responds in a patronising tone: oh so we have a comedian here.

Heckler : Yeah, we wish ya fat b1tch

Reganio 2

Acid_Violet wrote: »

Slag me when you reach puberty.

You talking to me? Oh god your so funny, a hard man on an internet forum well done to you.

wandatowell

Gordon Strachan what a man

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there.

Reporter: "Gordon, what will you take from today?"
Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish, the expiry date is today.

Reporter: There goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge.

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. So I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick - down negative man, down.

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless.

Reporter: Where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?"
Strachan: "I don't do impressions"

Reporter: So Gordon, any changes then?
Strachan: Naw, still 5ft 6, ginger and a big nose!

Gary Lineker: So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play?
Strachan: If I was English I'd top myself!


What a funny guy

Climate Expert

Another of his gems:
Woman: Winston, you are very drunk.
WInston: And Bessie, you are very ugly but in the morning I shall be sober.

That doesn't really work if you are Winston Churchill.

Mossy Monk

Reganio 2 wrote: »

You talking to me? Oh god your so funny, a hard man on an internet forum well done to you.

Seems to me that Acid_Violet was posting a witty comeback, just like everybody else on the thread

dilallio

My buddy tried unsucessfully to chat up the same snobbish girl 3 times in a niteclub one night.
At the end of the nite, he walked over to her and said:
"You know, I really wanted to talk to u, because u remind me of a famous movie-star"
"Really? " she replied. "Which movie-star" while flicking her hair back.
"Lassie" he replied.

Reganio 2

Mossy Monk wrote: »

Seems to me that Acid_Violet was posting a witty comeback, just like everybody else on the thread

Yeah I only thought of that when I gave it a minute. Sorry Acid_Violet, I am very sensitive .

JP Liz

wandatowell wrote: »

Gordon Strachan what a man

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there.

Reporter: "Gordon, what will you take from today?"
Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish, the expiry date is today.

Reporter: There goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge.

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. So I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick - down negative man, down.

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless.

Reporter: Where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?"
Strachan: "I don't do impressions"

Reporter: So Gordon, any changes then?
Strachan: Naw, still 5ft 6, ginger and a big nose!

Gary Lineker: So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play?
Strachan: If I was English I'd top myself!


What a funny guy

Gordon Strachan's interviews are funny

Miguel_Sanchez

Reganio 2 wrote: »

Yeah I only thought of that when I gave it a minute. Sorry Acid_Violet, I am very sensitive .

Ironically your comeback to her in this thread was pretty weak.

Climate Expert

dilallio wrote: »

My buddy tried unsucessfully to chat up the same snobbish girl 3 times in a niteclub one night.
At the end of the nite, he walked over to her and said:
"You know, I really wanted to talk to u, because u remind me of a famous movie-star"
"Really? " she replied. "Which movie-star" while flicking her hair back.
"Lassie" he replied.

How pathetic. More so that you seem impressed by it.

Acid_Violet

Reganio 2 wrote: »

Yeah I only thought of that when I gave it a minute. Sorry Acid_Violet, I am very sensitive .

Yeah, that came across...




Btw, I'm a gal.

JP Liz

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilised!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

SV

Climate Expert wrote: »

How pathetic. More so that you seem impressed by it.

That's what she said.

cabrwab

Slightly Racist but funny none the less. Forgot about it earlier.
Circa 2000 tara st train station Northbound platform.
Little scumbags giving a chinese guy a horrible time. Eventually somebody pipes up eh fu*k off you little shi*e's"
They bugger off. One of the staff of CIE walks up to the visibly shaken chinese guy ask's him is he alright. THe chinese bloke says you weren't around when i needed your help so ill survive. The cie guy says "Ok.........(looks at him) you are the weakest CHINK(chinc, not sure correct spelling) goodbye".

You could see people not wanting to laugh. But everybody found it funny.

Rb

cabrwab wrote: »

Slightly Racist but funny none the less. Forgot about it earlier.
Circa 2000 tara st train station Northbound platform.
Little scumbags giving a chinese guy a horrible time. Eventually somebody pipes up eh fu*k off you little shi*e's"
They bugger off. One of the staff of CIE walks up to the visibly shaken chinese guy ask's him is he alright. THe chinese bloke says you weren't around when i needed your help so ill survive. The cie guy says "Ok.........(looks at him) you are the weakest CHINK(chinc, not sure correct spelling) goodbye".

You could see people not wanting to laugh. But everybody found it funny.

That's not remotely funny tbh.

chopperbyrne

JP Liz wrote: »

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilised!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Liz, you're an angry, angry woman.

Is somebody not getting some lovin?!!!

cabrwab

Sorry thought it was! at the time. Sorry if i offended anybody. Oh well

Ninja_scrotum

cabrwab wrote: »

Slightly Racist but funny none the less. Forgot about it earlier.
Circa 2000 tara st train station Northbound platform.
Little scumbags giving a chinese guy a horrible time. Eventually somebody pipes up eh fu*k off you little shi*e's"
They bugger off. One of the staff of CIE walks up to the visibly shaken chinese guy ask's him is he alright. THe chinese bloke says you weren't around when i needed your help so ill survive. The cie guy says "Ok.........(looks at him) you are the weakest CHINK(chinc, not sure correct spelling) goodbye".

You could see people not wanting to laugh. But everybody found it funny.

HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! dats sum funny shiat.

thelordofcheese

truecrippler wrote: »

'YORE MA!' = Greatest comeback ever.

It truely is a timeless classic.

AnonoBoy

Irish comedian (can't remember his name - he played Father Cave in the airplane epsiode of Fr. Ted) - he's getting heckled by some drunk woman. Turns around and says "You know it's true what they say - 'you are what you eat'. And you must've eaten A ****ING **** FOR BREAKFAST!!!"

Stunned silence from drunk woman.

Not really subtle but hilarious at the same time.