do i have a rite to be angry???

vorbis · 29-11-2007 03:23PM

dRNK SAnTA, its bad to read someone else's private text messages as its an invasion of privacy. You're probably better off breaking up if you feel that you have to look at her / his phone.

The right thing to do would be to deal with the behavior. If your gf was acting cold and distant to you and snooping produced no evidence of cheating would you still be happy with her being cold and distant? The same applies here to the bf. Looking at the phone is cowardly. Be a man, you should have told her straight up that texting her ex so much in front of you was disrepectful and you didn't like her.

You don't need to find a justification for bad behavior. Its bad behavior, you shouldn't tolerate it. I'd wager if the OP's bf and called her on the texting the ex issue a lot sooner, this would never have developed into a major issue.

NabyLadistheman · 29-11-2007 03:36PM

my girl always goes through my phone and i have no issue with it. Its the same for her. Its no big deal, that is unless you have something to hide like chatting to an ex...if there was nothing bad for him to see you would not care less

axer · 29-11-2007 06:42PM

vorbis wrote: »

dRNK SAnTA, its bad to read someone else's private text messages as its an invasion of privacy. You're probably better off breaking up if you feel that you have to look at her / his phone.

How is it an invasion of privacy when, say for example, your girlfriend reads your text messages? Have you something to hide from her?

vorbis wrote: »

The right thing to do would be to deal with the behavior. If your gf was acting cold and distant to you and snooping produced no evidence of cheating would you still be happy with her being cold and distant?

Its usually best to find the root of the problem before trying to deal with it. She lied to her boyfriend so how he is supposed to know what is wrong.

vorbis wrote: »

The same applies here to the bf. Looking at the phone is cowardly. Be a man, you should have told her straight up that texting her ex so much in front of you was disrepectful and you didn't like her.

How is it cowardly? If he had told her not to text her ex people would be on here saying that it is none of his business if she wanted to stay in contact with her ex, that he has no right to say who she can or cannot text and that he is just too insecure to handle it i.e. he would become the bad guy. It had to become a problem before he could do anything about it.

vorbis wrote: »

You don't need to find a justification for bad behavior. Its bad behavior, you shouldn't tolerate it. I'd wager if the OP's bf and called her on the texting the ex issue a lot sooner, this would never have developed into a major issue.

I'll take that wager. She would most likely have just lied again and said she wasn't texting her ex and if he is not "allowed" to check her phone how is he supposed to know if she is lying or not?

As torresistheman said "if there was nothing bad for him to see you would not care less" and I couldn't agree more.

Wibbs · 29-11-2007 07:37PM

axer wrote: »

How is it an invasion of privacy when, say for example, your girlfriend reads your text messages? Have you something to hide from her?

No but in my case anyway, I would like to be asked. Hell she could read them anytime she liked.

Its usually best to find the root of the problem before trying to deal with it. She lied to her boyfriend so how he is supposed to know what is wrong.

Exactly.

How is it cowardly? If he had told her not to text her ex people would be on here saying that it is none of his business if she wanted to stay in contact with her ex, that he has no right to say who she can or cannot text and that he is just too insecure to handle it i.e. he would become the bad guy.

Very true and again in my opinion, I would be very dubious of someone texting an ex on a regular basis. It would depend on many factors, not least of which how often this goes on, their time apart, the seriousness of the ex relationship and frankly if the ex was still carrying a torch for them. I they were doing it in front of me, knowing how this may effect me I would at the very least consider them emotionally thick for not seeing that. Nothing to do with insecurity either, just simple common sense and manners.

I've known too many people in rebounds(inc. myself on one occasion) to be entirely happy with the idea. In all those cases the significant ex was in regular contact. In one case I was the ex in contact and guess what we ended up back together a year later. Went out for a good while after that too.

It had to become a problem before he could do anything about it.

True enough.

As torresistheman said "if there was nothing bad for him to see you would not care less" and I couldn't agree more.

Have to agree myself.

dubdcugirly · 29-11-2007 07:59PM

As torresistheman said "if there was nothing bad for him to see you would not care less"

I couldn't agree more

Siding with da BF completely..

Boyfriend I can understand your worries with posting on this, but I agree you have to show your side!

My boyfriend and I have one respective ex each I dont like one particular girl and he doesn't like one ex fella...

So why if I love my boyfriend would I then go and text an ex? Girlfriend u need to be honest who knows if you had said to your boyfriend the first text u got "Oh X text me today" you could have completely difussed the situation...bad move...

As my mother says someone is always watching...if my boyfriend was acting the way you seem to have been acting, I would confront him and if I wasnt satified sorry but yep I prob would have checked too...

If GF was telling the truth she would be none the wiser, her BF wud trust her and everything would be rosy again...but she lied....so it isnt hard luck!

Jack B. Badd · 29-11-2007 08:19PM

Why do people feel like they need to keep their phones private from their partners?? I really don't understand that!!!

Why is it so bad that he read her text messages? If you have something to hide in your texts then your relationship is rubbish.

my girl always goes through my phone and i have no issue with it. Its the same for her. Its no big deal, that is unless you have something to hide like chatting to an ex...if there was nothing bad for him to see you would not care less

Why the hell would you go out with someone if you had to check their phone to make sure they weren't cheating on you?! That's what I don't understand.

If you don't trust someone (which you obviously don't, if you have to spy on them) why date them? Is it that people enter relationships with the idea that they will be cheated on inevitably and the only way to stop it is to make sure that the person they're dating doesn't have the opportunity to do it?
Saying that you wouldn't be angry if you had nothing to hide is rubbish. The same argument could be applied if your partner decided to spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week following you around to make sure you weren't cheating. Whether you were cheating or not it would drive you mad...

axer · 29-11-2007 08:31PM

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Why the hell would you go out with someone if you had to check their phone to make sure they weren't cheating on you?!

It mightn't have anything to do with cheating. I never feel the urge to check my girlfriends phone because she doesn't care either way. If I was bored and picked up her phone and started going through it in front of her - she probably wouldn't even notice. When we first started going out I had my phone out reading a text and my girlfriend started going through it afterwards to learn about me. So she would read some texts and I would tell her who the person is and the story etc. I don't have privacy from her - I don't want privacy from her as I think that would the defeat the point of the relationship.

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

That's what I don't understand.

Its not about a need to check the phone its about not caring either way.

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

If you don't trust someone (which you obviously don't, if you have to spy on them) why date them?

I think it is more trustful that I can leave my phone around or not have to delete messages or let my girlfriend go through my phone without having to worry about anything.

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Is it that people enter relationships with the idea that they will be cheated on inevitably and the only way to stop it is to make sure that the person they're dating doesn't have the opportunity to do it?

Not me anyway. I enter a relationship 100% in such a way that I have nothing to hide so the problem does not arise. If all of a sudden my girlfriend started getting all secretive then I would get suspicious but I think that is understandable enough.

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Saying that you wouldn't be angry if you had nothing to hide is rubbish.

I disagree completely. Why would you care unless you felt there was a negative side to it. I cannot see one. If my girlfriend went through my phone or email then she might learn something new about me that she never knew before - something that I never thought to tell her. That would be a positive in the relationship i.e. that we are learning things about each other.

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

The same argument could be applied if your partner decided to spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week following you around to make sure you weren't cheating. Whether you were cheating or not it would drive you mad...

Nope, that would be a different situation because you are implying that the other person is following you for the sake of you not cheating. If you had an open relationship in the first place then neither of you would even think of doing that.

Fysh · 29-11-2007 08:32PM

Wow, there's a whole lot of huffing and puffing going on here and most of it seems to be people shouting that one side or the other is right.

From this thread, both sound like twits who probably shouldn't be involved in a relationship.

Girly : don't get involved with a new fella if you're going to be sending messages to your ex-fella constantly. It's poor form and suggests that you're not really with the new fella for any reason other than to fill the void left by the ex-fella.

New Fella : don't be a spanner. Reading someone else's private information, regardless of the cause, is an invasion of privacy and is similarly poor form. There's a reason the police have to get warrants and legal permission before they can gather evidence with wiretaps and the like, so why should it be different for you? And the nonsense axer is spouting about having "nothing to hide" from your partner is exactly that - nonsense. When you're involved with someone you are still an individual, and have the right to your own private space, thoughts, feelings and opinions. Moreover, you are entitled to the trust of your SO that you will be a faithful partner - and that trust, in part, means no bloody spying. If things got to the point where you feel that you need to spy on the SO, you should be sitting down for serious chats of the make or break variety, not pretending to be Dick Tracy.

And for all those people who think that extensive spying on your SO is acceptable because of the chance that there might be something juicy to uncover : why not address your obvious problems with trusting people close to you, instead of projecting the issue onto them and claiming that they "wouldn't mind if they were really innocent"? Oh, and while you're at it go and read 1984. If nothing else, you might get an idea of what your perfect world would be like :rolleyes:

axer · 29-11-2007 08:56PM

Fysh wrote: »

Reading someone else's private information, regardless of the cause, is an invasion of privacy and is similarly poor form. There's a reason the police have to get warrants and legal permission before they can gather evidence with wiretaps and the like, so why should it be different for you?

You are hardly in a relationship with the police now are you? That is completely different.

Fysh wrote: »

And the nonsense axer is spouting about having "nothing to hide" from your partner is exactly that - nonsense. When you're involved with someone you are still an individual, and have the right to your own private space, thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Nonsense, in your opinion. Why would you want to hide your private space, thoughts, feelings and opinions from your other half? That sounds like insecurity to me. Please tell me how your Girlfriend reading your texts, email etc makes you any less of an individual - you still have your thoughts, feelings and opinions. Whats this private space you are talking about?

Fysh wrote: »

Moreover, you are entitled to the trust of your SO that you will be a faithful partner - and that trust, in part, means no bloody spying.

I think it is more trustful not caring whether your other half reads you texts etc. than being paranoid over privacy from your SO.

Fysh wrote: »

If things got to the point where you feel that you need to spy on the SO, you should be sitting down for serious chats of the make or break variety, not pretending to be Dick Tracy

In this guy's case he did not seem to believe his girlfriend so he wanted to make sure or she could just deny it and they are back to step one - he was right not to believe her.

Fysh · 29-11-2007 09:05PM

axer wrote: »

You are hardly in a relationship with the police now are you? That is completely different.

No, it's not different - my point is that even the police, when investigating a suspected serious crime, do not do such things without permission. Which means that from a legal perspective it is understood that invading someone's privacy is a serious issue, and at the very least not something to be done without prior permission

axer wrote: »

Nonsense, in your opinion. Why would you want to hide your private space, thoughts, feelings and opinions from your other half? That sounds like insecurity to me. Your Girlfriend reading your texts or email doesn't make you any less of an individual - you still have your private space, thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Why? Because when I'm single I have a private space that's my own and I don't see why being in a relationship with someone should involve diminishing myself as an individual. It's laughable that you, who are endorsing some sort of totalitarian "right to supervise all the SO's activities", are accusing me of insecurity. After all, you're the one endorsing the "If I know everything, I can't be hurt by surprises" attitude.

axer wrote: »

I think it is more trustful not caring whether your other half reads you texts etc. than being paranoid over privacy from your SO.

I would expect my SO to have enough respect for me to ask before reading the damn things, frankly, rather than assuming that permission was granted by virtue of the relationship. There's no standard for these things any more than there is a standard by which you decide who you will tell your bank account information, so assuming that your view is the norm is just asking for trouble.

axer wrote: »

In this guy's case he did not seem to believe his girlfriend so he wanted to make sure or she could just deny it and they are back to step one - he was right not to believe her.

Yes, and he couldn't have just said "I don't trust what you're telling me, and here are the reasons I don't trust you", could he? No, he had to go and play at being Dick Tracy on a quest to find the hidden drama. FFS, if you're rooting through your other half's rubbish or private texts/messages, IS THAT NOT ENOUGH SIGN THAT SOMETHING'S GONE TITS-UP IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? Seriously. Because if he could go searching, find no evidence of cheating, and then go "oh well, nothing to worry about" and continue on as if his breach of trust wasn't at least as large as the one he suspected his SO had committed, I'd worry about the state of his brain. You just don't do that, not under any circumstances. If you have to spy on someone, the trust is gone. If the trust is gone, why waste time discussing whose fault it is? Either try and fix it, or just walk out the door. All else is just cheap soap-opera style drama.

vorbis · 29-11-2007 09:17PM

exactly Fysh, either you trust your SO or you don't. Its really that simple. For the record, I don't hide away my phone or have anything iffy on it but I would be pissed if I found my girlfriend going through it. Some people just like having a bit of personal space.

Suppose axer, that you send a mate a sexist joke that your gf might be offende by. Would it be ok for her to read that text and then give out to you. Or suppose you're after having an argument with her and you send a less than flattering text to a friend about the argument. Would you be happy for her to read that text? Theres loads of things besides cheating that you might not want your gf to read.

As Fysh said you're still entitled to be an INDIVIDUAL in a relationship.

edit. the comment about telling her to stop texting the ex was to do with her constantly doing it in FRONT OF YOU. Thats just rude. You should never accept that kind of behavior.

Loopy · 29-11-2007 09:53PM

Sorry i just dont really understand what all the fuss is about him checking your fone when he has strong suspicions that your textin your ex. Why are you texting her ex when they are not in a relationship anymore (and doing it while your with your BF).

I know for sure as soon as he was out the door i would check my bf's fone if i suspected something. And would not feel i was invading his privacy especially if my suspicions were confirmed.

If your in a loving relationship whats the big deal with you reading your partners texts - if you have nothing to hide that is.

Op how would you feel if you suspected your bf was textin one of his ex's. Do nothin? If you cared about him you would be devasted as he is.

Fysh · 29-11-2007 10:17PM

looptheloop wrote: »

Sorry i just dont really understand what all the fuss is about him checking your fone when he has strong suspicions that your textin your ex. Why are you texting her ex when they are not in a relationship anymore (and doing it while your with your BF).

If you don't understand, go and re-read my last post. Several times, if necessary. It's not all that complicated, and it's getting boring having to repeat it.

looptheloop wrote: »

I know for sure as soon as he was out the door i would check my bf's fone if i suspected something. And would not feel i was invading his privacy especially if my suspicions were confirmed.

And this tells us two things:

1) You have trust issues with your BF, and do not seem to understand that openly talking about it to your BF is a far healthier and respectful option than spying on him;
2) You don't seem to realise that when it comes to invading privacy, IT'S NOT UP TO YOU TO DECIDE IF YOU HAVE INVADED HIS PRIVACY. It's up to HIM. And if you said to him "Oh, I was rooting through your phone and reading your messages earlier, btw" he would be well within his rights to bollock you out for it.

looptheloop wrote: »

If your in a loving relationship whats the big deal with you reading your partners texts - if you have nothing to hide that is.

What's wrong is that if you're in a loving and trusting relationship, your partner should respect you and part of that involves understanding that you may want to retain some privacy. And specifically, trusting you enough not to assume that you're using this privacy as a way to go out and be unfaithful. Or, to turn your question back on you : if you didn't on some level believe that your partner would cheat on you given half a chance, why would you feel the need to keep tabs on them?

looptheloop wrote: »

Op how would you feel if you suspected your bf was textin one of his ex's. Do nothin? If you cared about him you would be devasted as he is.

IF I suspected my GF was in touch with an ex, I would be mature enough to understand that it's up to her to choose who she talks to. If I suspected it was inappropriate contact, I'd bring it up with her at the earliest possible point, and if I still wasn't happy with the situation I'd be sitting down for a frank conversation with her.

But let's get this straight here : we're talking about people thinking that it's ok to read people's private conversations on the basis of a suspicion that they might be contacting an ex, yes?

WHAT PLANET ARE YOU PEOPLE ON?

Since when does having a relationship with someone mean that you're entitled to go all Gestapo on them because you think they might be talking to an ex-partner? Do you think that you own your partners and get to choose who they are allowed to talk to? Yes, you're entitled to feel a bit odd if your partner resumes contact with an ex-partner, but you don't get a veto on who they talk to, nor do you get a "Spy on your partner consequence-free" card.

TPD · 29-11-2007 10:19PM

Fysh wrote: »

I don't see why being in a relationship with someone should involve diminishing myself as an individual.

I dont think axer meant it in that way. More like sharing yourself with your SO than diminishing yourself.

TPD · 29-11-2007 10:21PM

Fysh wrote: »

But let's get this straight here : we're talking about people thinking that it's ok to read people's private conversations on the basis of a suspicion that they might be contacting an ex, yes?

WHAT PLANET ARE YOU PEOPLE ON?

Since when does having a relationship with someone mean that you're entitled to go all Gestapo on them because you think they might be [/i]talking[/i] to an ex-partner? Do you think that you own your partners and get to choose who they are allowed to talk to? Yes, you're entitled to feel a bit odd if your partner resumes contact with an ex-partner, but you don't get a veto on who they talk to, nor do you get a "Spy on your partner consequence-free" card.

Nope, this is based on the gf constantly texting the ex while the current bf is with her, and acting cold to him since she first told him she was in contact with the ex.

Edit: Sorry about the double post n all.

purpledragon677 · 29-11-2007 10:39PM

ok firstly i never wanted this to turn into a stupid domestic fight

secondly my being cold to my boyfriend is due to our own personal problems which started well before me textin my ex

thirdly i hadnt spoken to him in god knows how long and i was catching up with him i shouldnt have said that yes i know that i am very sorry bout it the only reason the past came up at all is because i was cleaning out my room found some old things and mentioned it and we got talking

i do love my boyfriend i have not and will not cheat on him ever. talking to my ex was memories and that is all i have not spoken to him in ages.

the reason i want privacy with my phone is simply because i talk to alot of friends and some of them have problems that they tell me in confidence so by him reading my messages is breaking that confidence

also btw i only started texting him again about five days ago tops and i have not constantly text him if i am texting when i go out i always say goodbye my boyfriend knows this

apologies for the length of the message

l3LoWnA · 29-11-2007 10:53PM

purpledragon677 wrote: »

ok firstly i never wanted this to turn into a stupid domestic fight

secondly my being cold to my boyfriend is due to our own personal problems which started well before me textin my ex

thirdly i hadnt spoken to him in god knows how long and i was catching up with him i shouldnt have said that yes i know that i am very sorry bout it the only reason the past came up at all is because i was cleaning out my room found some old things and mentioned it and we got talking

i do love my boyfriend i have not and will not cheat on him ever. talking to my ex was memories and that is all i have not spoken to him in ages.

the reason i want privacy with my phone is simply because i talk to alot of friends and some of them have problems that they tell me in confidence so by him reading my messages is breaking that confidence

also btw i only started texting him again about five days ago tops and i have not constantly text him if i am texting when i go out i always say goodbye my boyfriend knows this

apologies for the length of the message

How do you think your boyfriend feels about you texting your ex and talking about all those things you STILL have in your room reminding you (and HIM) of your relatinship wih ex? Would you like it if your boyfriend spent ages, whilst even in your company sometimes, texting his ex, telling her he'd found things in his bedroom that reminded him of her and how he was SO much happier with her than he is now with you? You always have to reverse the scenario and think how you'd feel in the situation before you can truly see the damage you are doing. I'm not attacking you here, I just feel you should think about it....You really should not have been texting your ex if you had ANY respect whatsoever for your current boyfriend. It's so so disrespectful IMO

Funny thing is, your ex probably wouldn't even entertain you if you were single, it's probably only him wanting what he can't have....

If you continue with this behaviour, if you can't learn to respect him and stop making excuses, I seriously hope Mr. Boyfriend gets sense and leaves you tbh, how would you feel if he did and then if your ex didn't want you either?

Fysh · 29-11-2007 11:00PM

l3LoWnA wrote: »

How do you think your boyfriend feels about you texting your ex and talking about all those things you STILL have in your room reminding you (and HIM) of your relatinship wih ex? Would you like it if your boyfriend spent ages, whilst even in your company sometimes, texting his ex, telling her he'd found things in his bedroom that reminded him of her and how he was SO much happier with her than he is now with you? You always have to reverse the scenario and think how you'd feel in the situation before you can truly see the damage you are doing. I'm not attacking you here, I just feel you should think about it....You really should not have been texting your ex if you had ANY respect whatsoever for your current boyfriend. It's so so disrespectful IMO

Funny thing is, your ex probably wouldn't even entertain you if you were single, it's probably only him wanting what he can't have....

If you continue with this behaviour, if you can't learn to respect him and stop making excuses, I seriously hope Mr. Boyfriend gets sense and leaves you tbh, how would you feel if he did and then if your ex didn't want you either?

Ah yes, but you're apparently from the camp that doesn't see anything weird about rummaging through someone's private messages without permission.

Realistically, OP, you and your BF need to sit down and have a serious talk about the state of your relationship and the things that both of you find upsetting or damaging to your relationship. Sounds like it's definitely a case of both sides being guilty of certain things and I'm sorry that it's ended up being dragged out under the spotlight here.

Hopefully ye can both work things out and come to a satisfactory compromise. Best of luck with it, hope it all works out for you.

portomar · 29-11-2007 11:02PM

complete invasion of privacy, no excuse.

purpledragon677 · 29-11-2007 11:03PM

l3LoWnA wrote: »

How do you think your boyfriend feels about you texting your ex and talking about all those things you STILL have in your room reminding you (and HIM) of your relatinship wih ex? Would you like it if your boyfriend spent ages, whilst even in your company sometimes, texting his ex, telling her he'd found things in his bedroom that reminded him of her and how he was SO much happier with her than he is now with you? You always have to reverse the scenario and think how you'd feel in the situation before you can truly see the damage you are doing. I'm not attacking you here, I just feel you should think about it....You really should not have been texting your ex if you had ANY respect whatsoever for your current boyfriend. It's so so disrespectful IMO

Funny thing is, your ex probably wouldn't even entertain you if you were single, it's probably only him wanting what he can't have....

If you continue with this behaviour, if you can't learn to respect him and stop making excuses, I seriously hope Mr. Boyfriend gets sense and leaves you tbh, how would you feel if he did and then if your ex didn't want you either?

i do not want my ex we tried it didnt work i moved on and i do have respect for my current boyfriend i love him so much we have our own problems which for obvious reasons i am not going to discuss which are also a factor in what is going on with us i have thought about how it would be from my point of view but i know i am not the only person to stay friends with an ex and i will certainly not be the last

Loopy · 29-11-2007 11:03PM

Fysh.

Im from planet earth...

My 'EX' cheated on me and i found out by checking his fone. Yes an invasion of privacy, Its not rocket science - had suspicions, asked him straight out, he absolutely denied it and made out i was crazy.

Checked his fone, followed him one nite, caught him with the other woman. Packed his bags for him. Over. If he had the balls to be honest with me I could of dealt with it a lot better.

Forgive me for siding with the BF on this one.

Its a horrible thing to go through.

purpledragon677 · 29-11-2007 11:04PM

Fysh wrote: »

Ah yes, but you're apparently from the camp that doesn't see anything weird about rummaging through someone's private messages without permission.

Realistically, OP, you and your BF need to sit down and have a serious talk about the state of your relationship and the things that both of you find upsetting or damaging to your relationship. Sounds like it's definitely a case of both sides being guilty of certain things and I'm sorry that it's ended up being dragged out under the spotlight here.

Hopefully ye can both work things out and come to a satisfactory compromise. Best of luck with it, hope it all works out for you.

thank you and believe me if it was up to me none of this **** would have been posted here i apologise to all

29-11-2007 11:08PM

What is wrong with you people? "i'm feeling insecure today but instead of dealing with it i'm going to blame it on someone else because it cant POSSIBLY be my fault"
you don't get to rifle through someone else's belongings because you think they MIGHT be CONTACTING an ex.
even if they are acting cold to you or whatever other stupid excuses people have come up with, you still dont get to go through their stuff
Nevermind why should you trust them - why should they ever trust you if you do that

everything fysh said ++

dRNk SAnTA · 29-11-2007 11:10PM

purpledragon677 wrote: »

thank you and believe me if it was up to me none of this **** would have been posted here i apologise to all

haha you started the thread. But I can understand since most people support your boyfriend you may regret it.

dRNk SAnTA · 29-11-2007 11:17PM

bluewolf wrote: »

What is wrong with you people? "i'm feeling insecure today but instead of dealing with it i'm going to blame it on someone else because it cant POSSIBLY be my fault"
you don't get to rifle through someone else's belongings because you think they MIGHT be CONTACTING an ex.
Nevermind why should you trust them - why should they ever trust you if you do that

everything fysh said ++

Ok answer me this hypothetical situation, which is the worse crime:

1) cheating on your SO
2) reading your SO's phone to confirm that he/she IS cheating.

At the end of the day in this case, the girlfriends behaviour has been worse than the boyfriends. I really cannot understand the desire to keep stuff private from your girlfriend. I tell my girlfriend everything, I am completely open, honest, and feel secure. if that were to change then we should probably break up. So why would I be angry if she had a gander at my messages.

l3LoWnA · 29-11-2007 11:17PM

purpledragon677 wrote: »

i do not want my ex we tried it didnt work i moved on and i do have respect for my current boyfriend i love him so much we have our own problems which for obvious reasons i am not going to discuss which are also a factor in what is going on with us i have thought about how it would be from my point of view but i know i am not the only person to stay friends with an ex and i will certainly not be the last

I'm also friends with some exes - but even though I'm single, I wouldn't be telling them I was happier when I was with them, I'd either be with them or move on. I especially wouldn't be telilng an ex things like that if I was going out with someone else!

You may love your current boyfriend, but what kind of respect are you showing him?

Ok, I'm butting out now because I don't know the full story but seriously, you both need to learn how to respect and trust each other or else just move on, don't stay with each other simply because ye CAN and ye love each other. Love, on it's own, is not enough.

purpledragon677 · 29-11-2007 11:20PM

dRNk SAnTA wrote: »

haha you started the thread. But I can understand since most people support your boyfriend you may regret it.

i asked do i have a rite to be angry that he read my messages not started all this i figured that since we both did things wrong we would have a civilised conversation privately

and as for regretting it because they support it i dont mind everyone has different views hence why people post here everyone is entitled to there own opinion!

29-11-2007 11:24PM

dRNk SAnTA wrote:

At the end of the day in this case, the girlfriends behaviour has been worse than the boyfriends. I really cannot understand the desire to keep stuff private from your girlfriend. I tell my girlfriend everything, I am completely open, honest, and feel secure. if that were to change then we should probably break up. So why would I be angry if she had a gander at my messages.

Because she did it behind your back because she didn't trust you.
There's a difference between reading someone's phone openly in front of them, checking something else randomly on their phone, and snooping on it because they don't trust you and can't even have enough respect for you or your relationship to discuss it with you.
completely different things.

Fysh · 29-11-2007 11:36PM

looptheloop wrote: »

Fysh.

Im from planet earth...

My 'EX' cheated on me and i found out by checking his fone. Yes an invasion of privacy, Its not rocket science - had suspicions, asked him straight out, he absolutely denied it and made out i was crazy.

Checked his fone, followed him one nite, caught him with the other woman. Packed his bags for him. Over. If he had the balls to be honest with me I could of dealt with it a lot better.

Forgive me for siding with the BF on this one.

Its a horrible thing to go through.

Well done. You had your suspicions, confronted him, he denied it. At which point your choice was to decide whether to trust him or not. At which point you decided you didn't trust him, but instead of just breaking it off and saying you didn't trust him, you went into Dick Tracy mode.

Now, I've been in this situation. Was going out with a girl, we split up and made up in the past and then it seemed something was amiss. A couple of friends of mine tried to play detective, but that didn't help - I didn't know what was going on and wasn't prepared to jump to conclusions until I got to speak to the girl in question. Who was a bit odd about the whole situation and didn't actually give me a proper answer when I asked what was happening, but that was enough to suggest that things were askew so I walked away from things.

What I don't understand is why people think that the logical response to a breakdown in trust is to go spying on people. If the trust is already gone, what good does the confirmation do? What help can it possibly be, other than in playing the blame game?

dRNk SAnTA · 29-11-2007 11:44PM

bluewolf wrote: »

Because she did it behind your back because she didn't trust you.
There's a difference between reading someone's phone openly in front of them, checking something else randomly on their phone, and snooping on it because they don't trust you and can't even have enough respect for you or your relationship to discuss it with you.
completely different things.

I take your point. But people usually lie about cheating, and if their answers don't satisfy you then what do you do?

It would be really pathetic if after being caught cheating I tried to turn it around on my girlfriend by claiming an invasion of privacy.

All is fair in love and war.

do i have a rite to be angry???

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