do i have a rite to be angry???

LegacyUser

ok my boyfriend went behind my back and read my messages on my fone cuz he was paranoid as i was textin my ex i am very angry bout this it is a complete invasion of my privacy

jus want to hear other ppls views on it please

thanks xx

Marksie

Careful with the textspeak please

AnonoBoy

You do have a right to be angry. But also bear in mind that we as a gender are terribly insecure. We always fear that the ex has some magical power that we will never ever have.

Presumably everything was above board with your ex.

Be angry - but cut the guy a tiny bit of slack after you've given out to him and reassure him that you're not interested in getting back with your ex.

gubby

how would you feel if he was txting his ex, and dont say you would be fine with it, cos you wouldnt...no-one would...

Seraphina

personally, i would dump anyone who had the cheek to pull such **** on me, but thats only my opinion

vorbis

AnonoBoy wrote: »

You do have a right to be angry. But also bear in mind that we as a gender are terribly insecure. We always fear that the ex has some magical power that we will never ever have.

Speak for yourself mate.
Looking at your partner's phone is an extremely needy insecure move. So what if something happens with the ex. You dump them if that happens. Thinking in your terms AnonoBoy it appears you bring no value to the relationship. She should be afraid of losing you as well!

To the OP, it was a bad decision by your bf. For me it would be a big breakdown in trust. Give him another chance if you like him enough.

Gyalist

AnonoBoy wrote: »

You do have a right to be angry. But also bear in mind that we as a gender are terribly insecure. We always fear that the ex has some magical power that we will never ever have.

Huh? Don't presume to speak for all men.

To the OP: Of course you have every right to be angry. That deserves at least a yellow card.

gillyfromlyre

my fella threw my phone into the sea because I had 3 male names in the contact list, my doctor, my 1st cousin and a colleague from work. I was really pissed off, had to buy a new phone, so count yourself lucky your not married to mr jealous, I love him tho, proves he loves me, in a caveman kind of way

SarahSassy

gillyfromlyre wrote: »

my fella threw my phone into the sea because I had 3 male names in the contact list, my doctor, my 1st cousin and a colleague from work. I was really pissed off, had to buy a new phone, so count yourself lucky your not married to mr jealous, I love him tho, proves he loves me, in a caveman kind of way

It only proves he is a possessive, nutjob......

Caryatnid

gillyfromlyre wrote: »

my fella threw my phone into the sea because I had 3 male names in the contact list, my doctor, my 1st cousin and a colleague from work. I was really pissed off, had to buy a new phone, so count yourself lucky your not married to mr jealous

Um...... are you in an abusive relationship?

To the OP: When I was young and naive I used to think really black and white about this issue. I used to think I would never check a partner's phone, and they should never check mine. However. Now I am older and wiser (and more cynical?) I think that checking the partner's phone is really not that bad if done in certain circumstances. Would I check my partner's phone if I had a reasonable thought that they were doing the dirt on me? Of course! Should my partner check my phone if they had reason to be suspicious of me? I think so, and I believe I would understand that. I would certainly get very angry if a partner (or anyone) checked my phone without my consent and without reason - or maybe as a matter of routine. I can see that it's an invasion of privacy but if your partner wants to know you are telling the truth, then really it's not such a bad thing. It's not ideal, but it's not really that bad. Ideally we are all telling the truth to our partners so our phones shouldn't really be so 'private' at all.

To AnonoBoy, I do not believe this is a gender issue. Indeed some girls would say the same about their own sex.

Talliesin

Unreg 7689 wrote: »

ok my boyfriend went behind my back and read my messages on my fone cuz he was paranoid as i was textin my ex i am very angry bout this it is a complete invasion of my privacy

Of course you are.

Is this primarily a matter or rights though?

Now, I'm not justifying what he did - he was entirely in the wrong, and of course you are going to be upset and angry about it.

However, if you're not going to just break up with him over it (which would be a reasonable enough decision, but I'm guessing not what you intend to do) I think it's probably more conducive to the long-term health of the relationship if he deals with the jealousy that motivated him to do so than copping on to how unacceptable his behaviour is.

I'm not saying to turn a blind eye, just to try to focus on the jealousy more than the behaviour it lead to.

gillyfromlyre wrote: »

proves he loves me

That he's willing to sacrifice your phone and cause you the hassle that goes along with that?

I don't know about you, but I've had nicer experiences with people who openly hate me.

LegacyUser

Wow I'm almost certain this post is about me(the boyfriend). The only problem is that its
missing certain important information that caused me to be suspicious enough to look at the
texts. My girlfriend(OP), had not just been texting her ex now and again, it has been a
constant thing that began just recently. Anytime I'm with her now she's texting him and
obviously when I'm not with her too.

My girlfriend had been acting cold and off with me since this texting began and I was
worried why. She has a strong history with this ex(as I suppose most people would), but she
views him as her first love who can never be lived up to and seems to look back with rose
tinted glasses.

Many of the texts were out of line and in my opinion not something that should be said to
an ex-boyfriend who has said he still loves her. There were texts about their relationship
and how she still has diary entries and gifts he gave her. Thats fair enough i suppose but
then i saw a few that i know are wrong, for instance one of the texts she sent to him read:

I'm not happier wit him(me) then i was wit you ill neva be as happy wit anyone then
I was wit you

Maybe I'm just paranoid but i really don't think its appropriate to say that to someone who
has admitted to being in love with her. Before checking her phone I confronted her and
asked her what is she talking about and is she saying things about their past that really
she shouldn't be, she lied to me and said that nothing was said that shouldn't have been
but i could tell she was being strange.

Apologies for the length of this post, I'm feeling upset by her lying to me and saying
these things to him that are really just unfair on me and him too i suppose. It has me
really down at the moment so I guess this is just my way of letting out how i feel by
putting it in writing. I don't know what else to do.

So yes, I was very wrong for doing it(and judging from other PI posts, its seems to happen
regularly) and i have apologised a lot but my suspicions were not without reason, but she
was wrong to go behind my back and say those things to her ex and lie to me. I'm being made into the monster here but I'm not the only one in the wrong-she will barely talk to me now because of looking at her phone and seems to think what she said was ok?!?

I love her to bits, I really do and tell me if I'm wrong to feel upset by this, because I
honestly am doubting my own judgement now. I have been feeling depressed recently due to
other things in my life and I'm afraid that this is affecting my view on things, which is
also why I'm writing down some of the facts.
There is more to the story but I cant write anymore or this'll turn into a novel.
What do you guys think?
Was I wrong to be suspicious?
Am i wrong to be upset?

Again...sorry for the length of this post...

gubby

gubby wrote: »

how would you feel if he was txting his ex, and dont say you would be fine with it, cos you wouldnt...no-one would...

Wow, I guess my bf should dump me for having lunch with an ex the other day :rolleyes: get over it

OP: I'd ask him wtf was going through his head that he thought going to your phone was an acceptable or justifiable thing to do
make it very clear to him that it isn't

personally if we hadn't been together that long i'd be very tempted to show him the door

l3LoWnA

Unreg 7689 wrote: »

ok my boyfriend went behind my back and read my messages on my fone cuz he was paranoid as i was textin my ex i am very angry bout this it is a complete invasion of my privacy

jus want to hear other ppls views on it please

thanks xx

Did you give him a reason to be paranoid? Were you texting your ex?

My ex was so secretive about his phone and I found out the hard way (because he used to delete all his texts, believe me, I did my best to look through his phone but everything was always deleted and I've no problem admitting it because my hunch was right, he was a lying, womanising, cheating b*stard - he WAs texting an ex - keeping his options open, when I left he ran back into her arms but I have reason to believe he'd ran back into them months before I left him) If you think you're boyfriend should trust you so much, then you're obviously completely 100% trustworthy so why would you have a problem with him looking through your phone. With my last boyfriend he gave me his phone to read through some funny texts from his ex and some other stuff (I didn't have to ask or sneakily have a peak) and in turn I gave him mine and told him to read anything he wanted and we found out more about each other through doing just that (silly I know but true all the same)!

If a person truly has nothing to hide, their phone shouldn't be such a private thing to their other half, surely!

I'm a firm believer that being extremely secretive with your mobile is the first and foremost sign that you're not being completely honest about things or you're hiding something.

So were you texting your ex? What made him think this? Were you being careful with your phone in order to make him suspicious - dying to hear!

Jack B. Badd

Boyfriend wrote: »

Wow I'm almost certain this post is about me(the boyfriend). The only problem is that its
missing certain important information that caused me to be suspicious enough to look at the
texts. My girlfriend(OP), had not just been texting her ex now and again, it has been a
constant thing that began just recently. Anytime I'm with her now she's texting him and
obviously when I'm not with her too.

My girlfriend had been acting cold and off with me since this texting began and I was
worried why. She has a strong history with this ex(as I suppose most people would), but she
views him as her first love who can never be lived up to and seems to look back with rose
tinted glasses.

Many of the texts were out of line and in my opinion not something that should be said to
an ex-boyfriend who has said he still loves her. There were texts about their relationship
and how she still has diary entries and gifts he gave her. Thats fair enough i suppose but
then i saw a few that i know are wrong, for instance one of the texts she sent to him read:

Maybe I'm just paranoid but i really don't think its appropriate to say that to someone who
has admitted to being in love with her. Before checking her phone I confronted her and
asked her what is she talking about and is she saying things about their past that really
she shouldn't be, she lied to me and said that nothing was said that shouldn't have been
but i could tell she was being strange.

Apologies for the length of this post, I'm feeling upset by her lying to me and saying
these things to him that are really just unfair on me and him too i suppose. It has me
really down at the moment so I guess this is just my way of letting out how i feel by
putting it in writing. I don't know what else to do.

So yes, I was very wrong for doing it(and judging from other PI posts, its seems to happen
regularly) and i have apologised a lot but my suspicions were not without reason, but she
was wrong to go behind my back and say those things to her ex and lie to me. I'm being made into the monster here but I'm not the only one in the wrong-she will barely talk to me now because of looking at her phone and seems to think what she said was ok?!?

I love her to bits, I really do and tell me if I'm wrong to feel upset by this, because I
honestly am doubting my own judgement now. I have been feeling depressed recently due to
other things in my life and I'm afraid that this is affecting my view on things, which is
also why I'm writing down some of the facts.
There is more to the story but I cant write anymore or this'll turn into a novel.
What do you guys think?
Was I wrong to be suspicious?
Am i wrong to be upset?

Again...sorry for the length of this post...

If you don't trust your girlfriend then end your relationship with her but don't use your suspicions to justify violating her privacy. Bear in mind, there was a 50% chance you were wrong and tbh I'm not convinced you're right. You're viewing a private conversation from the outside and you're interpreting it without knowing the context (in fact, since you're not a participant it's not your place to know the context). If you had definitive evidence that she was cheating then it'd be a different story but you don't. If I was your girlfriend, I'd be giving you a right bollicking and then I'd be giving you the boot.

Cupcake_Crisis

i think u do hav a right to be angry but also keep in mind that ppl in relationships do get really insecure sometimes!! it was a blatant invasion of ur privacy and he shouldn't have done but i doubt it was done maliciously!! just reassure him that u love him and that he has nothing tro be worried about!! tell him u dont appreciate him going thru ur phone and that u wnt tolerate it happening again but that there is no risk of u straying from home!

Wibbs

Boyfriend wrote: »

Wow I'm almost certain this post is about me(the boyfriend). The only problem is that its
missing certain important information that caused me to be suspicious enough to look at the
texts. My girlfriend(OP), had not just been texting her ex now and again, it has been a
constant thing that began just recently. Anytime I'm with her now she's texting him and
obviously when I'm not with her too.

My girlfriend had been acting cold and off with me since this texting began and I was
worried why. She has a strong history with this ex(as I suppose most people would), but she
views him as her first love who can never be lived up to and seems to look back with rose
tinted glasses.

Many of the texts were out of line and in my opinion not something that should be said to
an ex-boyfriend who has said he still loves her. There were texts about their relationship
and how she still has diary entries and gifts he gave her. Thats fair enough i suppose but
then i saw a few that i know are wrong, for instance one of the texts she sent to him read:

Maybe I'm just paranoid but i really don't think its appropriate to say that to someone who
has admitted to being in love with her. Before checking her phone I confronted her and
asked her what is she talking about and is she saying things about their past that really
she shouldn't be, she lied to me and said that nothing was said that shouldn't have been
but i could tell she was being strange.

Apologies for the length of this post, I'm feeling upset by her lying to me and saying
these things to him that are really just unfair on me and him too i suppose. It has me
really down at the moment so I guess this is just my way of letting out how i feel by
putting it in writing. I don't know what else to do.

So yes, I was very wrong for doing it(and judging from other PI posts, its seems to happen
regularly) and i have apologised a lot but my suspicions were not without reason, but she
was wrong to go behind my back and say those things to her ex and lie to me. I'm being made into the monster here but I'm not the only one in the wrong-she will barely talk to me now because of looking at her phone and seems to think what she said was ok?!?

I love her to bits, I really do and tell me if I'm wrong to feel upset by this, because I
honestly am doubting my own judgement now. I have been feeling depressed recently due to
other things in my life and I'm afraid that this is affecting my view on things, which is
also why I'm writing down some of the facts.
There is more to the story but I cant write anymore or this'll turn into a novel.
What do you guys think?
Was I wrong to be suspicious?
Am i wrong to be upset?

Again...sorry for the length of this post...

Yes I think you're right to be upset about this. Can I ask how long you are together? How long they were together? Who split up with whom in the ex relationship? Most importantly, how much of a gap was there between the significant ex and you? If it was a sudden thing or there was overlap, I would be much more concerned if I were you. The word rebound jumps to mind.

The fact that they are in constant contact and she describes him as her "first love" is not good. OK many people have contact, even friendly contact with exes. Usually this is after some time has passed or they were both young, or they weren't that heavy a deal. If there was deep history and love, that chance of friendship is vastly reduced. Unless there's a decent amount of time passed, hence I asked how big was the gap between you and him. Even then that stuff can flair up. Basically it boils down to this, if she was happy with you the chances are she wouldn't be in this much contact with her ex. As you say it's not nice to her ex either as if she was happy with him, she would have gone back. th texts you have described would have me show her the door TBH. Both of you are in limbo while she may be making up her mind. OK, you've got the relationship good stuff, but with much uncertainty thrown in.

I would be concerned and I would ask her straight who she wants to be with and concentrate on for the future. There's no point in either you or the ex being second best to confusion.

purpledragon677

Boyfriend wrote: »

Wow I'm almost certain this post is about me(the boyfriend). The only problem is that its
missing certain important information that caused me to be suspicious enough to look at the
texts. My girlfriend(OP), had not just been texting her ex now and again, it has been a
constant thing that began just recently. Anytime I'm with her now she's texting him and
obviously when I'm not with her too.

My girlfriend had been acting cold and off with me since this texting began and I was
worried why. She has a strong history with this ex(as I suppose most people would), but she
views him as her first love who can never be lived up to and seems to look back with rose
tinted glasses.

Many of the texts were out of line and in my opinion not something that should be said to
an ex-boyfriend who has said he still loves her. There were texts about their relationship
and how she still has diary entries and gifts he gave her. Thats fair enough i suppose but
then i saw a few that i know are wrong, for instance one of the texts she sent to him read:

Maybe I'm just paranoid but i really don't think its appropriate to say that to someone who
has admitted to being in love with her. Before checking her phone I confronted her and
asked her what is she talking about and is she saying things about their past that really
she shouldn't be, she lied to me and said that nothing was said that shouldn't have been
but i could tell she was being strange.

Apologies for the length of this post, I'm feeling upset by her lying to me and saying
these things to him that are really just unfair on me and him too i suppose. It has me
really down at the moment so I guess this is just my way of letting out how i feel by
putting it in writing. I don't know what else to do.

So yes, I was very wrong for doing it(and judging from other PI posts, its seems to happen
regularly) and i have apologised a lot but my suspicions were not without reason, but she
was wrong to go behind my back and say those things to her ex and lie to me. I'm being made into the monster here but I'm not the only one in the wrong-she will barely talk to me now because of looking at her phone and seems to think what she said was ok?!?

I love her to bits, I really do and tell me if I'm wrong to feel upset by this, because I
honestly am doubting my own judgement now. I have been feeling depressed recently due to
other things in my life and I'm afraid that this is affecting my view on things, which is
also why I'm writing down some of the facts.
There is more to the story but I cant write anymore or this'll turn into a novel.
What do you guys think?
Was I wrong to be suspicious?
Am i wrong to be upset?

Again...sorry for the length of this post...

clearly i have no privacy in anyway

Wibbs

I neglected to mention that checking her phone was out of order. No excuse really. Never did that and when it was once done to me, she was shown the door. No excuses, no comeback.

I will say though;

Boyfriend wrote: »

Anytime I'm with her now she's texting him

Reading this back this is the part that stands out for me. That's just bad manners and texting a significant ex shows a lack of consideration, self centeredness and lack of simple empathy for any boyfriend/girlfriend

obviously when I'm not with her too.

Pretty likely.

My girlfriend had been acting cold and off with me since this texting began and I was
worried why.

Instincts can often be competely arseways and I wouldn't put that much store in them. It's all the other parts of the relationship that you have to look at.

The two of you need to sit down and find out what games one or both of you are playing. I've been in the same or similar place as both you and her ex. Neither good. In the former, she went back to the ex and in the latter she came back to me. Neither lasted very long as it happened. Mainly because those kind of games always bite you back, sooner or later.

l3LoWnA

purpledragon677 wrote: »

clearly i have no privacy in anyway

Are you the OP?

Clearly, he had every right to be suspicious?



Ooooooh Domestic! (sory mods....but it's very exciting!) :eek:

m83

I think ye should break up. OP your using your boyfriend, hence his paranoia. If I were him i'd dump her ass. Sure he looked in her phone, I think what she is doing is far far worse.

You've got my vote boyfriend.

Overheal

l3LoWnA wrote: »

Are you the OP?

Clearly, he had every right to be suspicious?



Ooooooh Domestic! (sory mods....but it's very exciting!) :eek:

My left and right hemispheres had a betting pool going about when such a thing might happen on PI :rolleyes: looks like lefty won. And now its become a Couple's Counselling session with several free to hire couch-psychologists.

@Boy: You can have all the suspicion in the world but I dont think it constituted pulling a James Bond. You have a right to be hurt, but not in the manner by which you came to that knowledge.

@Girl: In almost any length of relationship, you need to establish healthy levels of trust with your significant other. You're entitled to your privacy, but can you see that you have to give a little to take a little? If you're completely stonewalling Boy, then you can expect him to go to great lengths to figure out whats on the other side. And if the reason you're being so distant with him is because your dealing with feelings for your ex, then you need to respect Boy enough not to use him as your tool: and by that, I mean as a shield from your ex. Thats not what a relationship is for :mad:

Personally I'd reccomend both of you to break off for at least a while. Clearly Girl, you need to go find something out about yourself - do you really want to be with your ex or do you just need closure? You cant solve that question without space. And the Both Of You need to take in a break-up as a hard lesson in the consequences of abusing Trust.

I may sound like I'm siding with the Boyfriend here, but thats because I place a High Penalty on lying; moreso than snooping - because snooping is usually a product of a suspected lie. If you never lie, nobody has to suspect you of lying. See how that works? If you've never lied to me, say, you could easily leave your phone down with me full of your texts and I doubt I'd ever go and read them unless you told me to. I tend not to think about such things, but maybe thats just me.

m83

Overheal wrote: »

My left and right hemispheres had a betting pool going about when such a thing might happen on PI :rolleyes: looks like lefty won. And now its become a Couple's Counselling session with several free to hire couch-psychologists.

@Boy: You can have all the suspicion in the world but I dont think it constituted pulling a James Bond. You have a right to be hurt, but not in the manner by which you came to that knowledge.

@Girl: In almost any length of relationship, you need to establish healthy levels of trust with your significant other. You're entitled to your privacy, but can you see that you have to give a little to take a little? If you're completely stonewalling Boy, then you can expect him to go to great lengths to figure out whats on the other side. And if the reason you're being so distant with him is because your dealing with feelings for your ex, then you need to respect Boy enough not to use him as your tool: and by that, I mean as a shield from your ex. Thats not what a relationship is for :mad:

Personally I'd reccomend both of you to break off for at least a while. Clearly Girl, you need to go find something out about yourself - do you really want to be with your ex or do you just need closure? You cant solve that question without space. And the Both Of You need to take in a break-up as a hard lesson in the consequences of abusing Trust.

I may sound like I'm siding with the Boyfriend here, but thats because I place a High Penalty on lying; moreso than snooping - because snooping is usually a product of a suspected lie. If you never lie, nobody has to suspect you of lying. See how that works? If you've never lied to me, say, you could easily leave your phone down with me full of your texts and I doubt I'd ever go and read them unless you told me to. I tend not to think about such things, but maybe thats just me.

Fantastic reply.

axer

Do people really need privacy from each other in a relationship? I really cannot understand this.

If my girlfriend read all my email and all the texts in my phone - would I care? No, not one bit. I have nothing to hide from her.

If an ex contacted me, I would not only tell her but I would even tell her what the email/text etc said or let her read it. Why? because I have nothing to hide.

I would expect my girlfriend to do the same as I would presume she has nothing to hide either.

To me it really is mind boggling that two people in a relationship need privacy from each other. I just could not be in that type of relationship.

--

Mr Boyfriend, from what I have read from you and her - I am with you in this instance. She was being secretive, cold and off - did she have something to hide? Maybe. You did/do have a right to know.

Ms. Girlfriend - what the **** are you doing with your current boyfriend if you would be happier with your ex. Break up with your current boyfriend and set him free if you would be happier elsewhere. It is not fair on him.

--

Who do I make the invoice for this counselling session out to?

vandermeyde

purpledragon677 wrote: »

clearly i have no privacy in anyway

Irony: complaining about lack of privacy whilst having a domestic on an Internet bulletin board

You guys need to sit down together, calmly, and decide whether something as fundamental as the trust between ye can be salvaged. If you can't get a definitive answer to that well off to pastures new for both of you.

axer

purpledragon677 wrote: »

yes you read her emails but if she has nothin to hide she will get over it

taken from this thread:
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055144874

Maybe the OP should listen to herself.

IRISH RAIL

slightly different angle
I had suspicions with my ex about her cheating on me
so i did the whole mossad thing e mails phones etc and was spot on there was so much stuff it was shocking.
but the bottom line was I needed proof to confront her with as I didnt want to go in without a shred of evidence and all guns blazing.
I got the proof the same way the boyfriend did.
its sad when you have to go to such lengths to find out where you stand in a relationship but sometimes it has to be done.

bottom line bf dump her straight away and get yourself a nice girl how anyone could go out with someone like that is beyond me shes clearly using you , and dont let her twist it by saying something like (it was only a bit of fun or I was just saying it to get rid of him) ive heard all these before and all it does is fu** with your head

best of luck

*Lees*

Why do people feel like they need to keep their phones private from their partners?? I really don't understand that!!!
OP, you gave your boyfriend a reason to be suspicious! If the roles were reversed and if he was the one texting an ex constantly and acting cold towards you and going on about how she was his first love! Would you not want to know what they were talking about?You telling your ex that you arent as happy with your boyfriend as you were with him is bang out of order!! You shouldn't be saying it... if your not happy with him then leave him!

LegacyUser

Was it an invasion of privacy for me to post in this thread?
I'm half afraid to post anymore now.
Surely I would think a public forum is free for anyone to post even if it is about me?
With the lack of details given in the OP it biases everything in the side of my girlfriend because nobody knows why I felt so bad that i lowered myself to looking through her phone.

Wibbs

IRISH RAIL wrote: »

bottom line bf dump her straight away and get yourself a nice girl how anyone could go out with someone like that is beyond me shes clearly using you , and dont let her twist it by saying something like (it was only a bit of fun or I was just saying it to get rid of him) ive heard all these before and all it does is fu** with your head

best of luck

Have to agree with this minus the mossad stuff.

I'll put a wager that if you do walk away, guess who you'll find out she's with in a months time? I wouldn't be surprised if she's since been in contact about this. He'll lap it up of course.

At the moment it seems she's got the best of both worlds. She's making a composite relationship out of both of you. She's got you as her boyfriend and she's got him telling her he still loves her. He obviously fulfills something in her that you don't and vice versa. Lovely bit of attention for her to boot. Not so good for you or the ex. I would be advising him to act much the same way.

As I say you can friends with exes. It's difficult and in most cases it's not worth it as there's always one that hopes for more. The less serious or intense the previous relationship makes it a lot easier.

Even if you're friends with an ex simple basic cop on would suggest you're not contacting them on a constant basis in front of your current partner. It shows a lack of simple respect for your feelings.

Boyfriend wrote:

Was it an invasion of privacy for me to post in this thread?
I'm half afraid to post anymore now.

Well invasion of privacy seems to be a theme here.

Surely I would think a public forum is free for anyone to post even if it is about me?

I would have though especially if it was about you. That aside, it would have been better to deal with her directly than take it here among strangers.

With the lack of details given in the OP it biases everything in the side of my girlfriend because nobody knows why I felt so bad that i lowered myself to looking through her phone.

Honestly this situation is not working for you. She's still got an unhealthy(it seems)attachment to this guy and you don't know where you stand. If it was me I'd walk away. I figure you won't as you love her, but you better sort out ground rules and soon or prepare to be walked on.

dRNk SAnTA

I'm on the boyfriends side! Why is it so bad that he read her text messages? If you have something to hide in your texts then your relationship is rubbish. Her behaviour sounds completely inappropriate and now he knows that his suspicions were correct.

The end justifies the means. She's only causing a scene about your snooping because she doesn't want to confront the issues of her behaviour. Dump the OP!

vorbis

dRNK SAnTA, its bad to read someone else's private text messages as its an invasion of privacy. You're probably better off breaking up if you feel that you have to look at her / his phone.

The right thing to do would be to deal with the behavior. If your gf was acting cold and distant to you and snooping produced no evidence of cheating would you still be happy with her being cold and distant? The same applies here to the bf. Looking at the phone is cowardly. Be a man, you should have told her straight up that texting her ex so much in front of you was disrepectful and you didn't like her.

You don't need to find a justification for bad behavior. Its bad behavior, you shouldn't tolerate it. I'd wager if the OP's bf and called her on the texting the ex issue a lot sooner, this would never have developed into a major issue.

NabyLadistheman

my girl always goes through my phone and i have no issue with it. Its the same for her. Its no big deal, that is unless you have something to hide like chatting to an ex...if there was nothing bad for him to see you would not care less

axer

vorbis wrote: »

dRNK SAnTA, its bad to read someone else's private text messages as its an invasion of privacy. You're probably better off breaking up if you feel that you have to look at her / his phone.

How is it an invasion of privacy when, say for example, your girlfriend reads your text messages? Have you something to hide from her?

vorbis wrote: »

The right thing to do would be to deal with the behavior. If your gf was acting cold and distant to you and snooping produced no evidence of cheating would you still be happy with her being cold and distant?

Its usually best to find the root of the problem before trying to deal with it. She lied to her boyfriend so how he is supposed to know what is wrong.

vorbis wrote: »

The same applies here to the bf. Looking at the phone is cowardly. Be a man, you should have told her straight up that texting her ex so much in front of you was disrepectful and you didn't like her.

How is it cowardly? If he had told her not to text her ex people would be on here saying that it is none of his business if she wanted to stay in contact with her ex, that he has no right to say who she can or cannot text and that he is just too insecure to handle it i.e. he would become the bad guy. It had to become a problem before he could do anything about it.

vorbis wrote: »

You don't need to find a justification for bad behavior. Its bad behavior, you shouldn't tolerate it. I'd wager if the OP's bf and called her on the texting the ex issue a lot sooner, this would never have developed into a major issue.

I'll take that wager. She would most likely have just lied again and said she wasn't texting her ex and if he is not "allowed" to check her phone how is he supposed to know if she is lying or not?

As torresistheman said "if there was nothing bad for him to see you would not care less" and I couldn't agree more.

Wibbs

axer wrote: »

How is it an invasion of privacy when, say for example, your girlfriend reads your text messages? Have you something to hide from her?

No but in my case anyway, I would like to be asked. Hell she could read them anytime she liked.

Its usually best to find the root of the problem before trying to deal with it. She lied to her boyfriend so how he is supposed to know what is wrong.

Exactly.

How is it cowardly? If he had told her not to text her ex people would be on here saying that it is none of his business if she wanted to stay in contact with her ex, that he has no right to say who she can or cannot text and that he is just too insecure to handle it i.e. he would become the bad guy.

Very true and again in my opinion, I would be very dubious of someone texting an ex on a regular basis. It would depend on many factors, not least of which how often this goes on, their time apart, the seriousness of the ex relationship and frankly if the ex was still carrying a torch for them. I they were doing it in front of me, knowing how this may effect me I would at the very least consider them emotionally thick for not seeing that. Nothing to do with insecurity either, just simple common sense and manners.

I've known too many people in rebounds(inc. myself on one occasion) to be entirely happy with the idea. In all those cases the significant ex was in regular contact. In one case I was the ex in contact and guess what we ended up back together a year later. Went out for a good while after that too.

It had to become a problem before he could do anything about it.

True enough.

As torresistheman said "if there was nothing bad for him to see you would not care less" and I couldn't agree more.

Have to agree myself.

dubdcugirly

As torresistheman said "if there was nothing bad for him to see you would not care less"

I couldn't agree more

Siding with da BF completely..

Boyfriend I can understand your worries with posting on this, but I agree you have to show your side!

My boyfriend and I have one respective ex each I dont like one particular girl and he doesn't like one ex fella...

So why if I love my boyfriend would I then go and text an ex? Girlfriend u need to be honest who knows if you had said to your boyfriend the first text u got "Oh X text me today" you could have completely difussed the situation...bad move...

As my mother says someone is always watching...if my boyfriend was acting the way you seem to have been acting, I would confront him and if I wasnt satified sorry but yep I prob would have checked too...

If GF was telling the truth she would be none the wiser, her BF wud trust her and everything would be rosy again...but she lied....so it isnt hard luck!

Jack B. Badd

Why do people feel like they need to keep their phones private from their partners?? I really don't understand that!!!

Why is it so bad that he read her text messages? If you have something to hide in your texts then your relationship is rubbish.

my girl always goes through my phone and i have no issue with it. Its the same for her. Its no big deal, that is unless you have something to hide like chatting to an ex...if there was nothing bad for him to see you would not care less

Why the hell would you go out with someone if you had to check their phone to make sure they weren't cheating on you?! That's what I don't understand. If you don't trust someone (which you obviously don't, if you have to spy on them) why date them? Is it that people enter relationships with the idea that they will be cheated on inevitably and the only way to stop it is to make sure that the person they're dating doesn't have the opportunity to do it?
Saying that you wouldn't be angry if you had nothing to hide is rubbish. The same argument could be applied if your partner decided to spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week following you around to make sure you weren't cheating. Whether you were cheating or not it would drive you mad...

axer

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Why the hell would you go out with someone if you had to check their phone to make sure they weren't cheating on you?!

It mightn't have anything to do with cheating. I never feel the urge to check my girlfriends phone because she doesn't care either way. If I was bored and picked up her phone and started going through it in front of her - she probably wouldn't even notice. When we first started going out I had my phone out reading a text and my girlfriend started going through it afterwards to learn about me. So she would read some texts and I would tell her who the person is and the story etc. I don't have privacy from her - I don't want privacy from her as I think that would the defeat the point of the relationship.

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

That's what I don't understand.

Its not about a need to check the phone its about not caring either way.

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

If you don't trust someone (which you obviously don't, if you have to spy on them) why date them?

I think it is more trustful that I can leave my phone around or not have to delete messages or let my girlfriend go through my phone without having to worry about anything.

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Is it that people enter relationships with the idea that they will be cheated on inevitably and the only way to stop it is to make sure that the person they're dating doesn't have the opportunity to do it?

Not me anyway. I enter a relationship 100% in such a way that I have nothing to hide so the problem does not arise. If all of a sudden my girlfriend started getting all secretive then I would get suspicious but I think that is understandable enough.

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Saying that you wouldn't be angry if you had nothing to hide is rubbish.

I disagree completely. Why would you care unless you felt there was a negative side to it. I cannot see one. If my girlfriend went through my phone or email then she might learn something new about me that she never knew before - something that I never thought to tell her. That would be a positive in the relationship i.e. that we are learning things about each other.

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

The same argument could be applied if your partner decided to spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week following you around to make sure you weren't cheating. Whether you were cheating or not it would drive you mad...

Nope, that would be a different situation because you are implying that the other person is following you for the sake of you not cheating. If you had an open relationship in the first place then neither of you would even think of doing that.

Fysh

Wow, there's a whole lot of huffing and puffing going on here and most of it seems to be people shouting that one side or the other is right.

From this thread, both sound like twits who probably shouldn't be involved in a relationship.

Girly : don't get involved with a new fella if you're going to be sending messages to your ex-fella constantly. It's poor form and suggests that you're not really with the new fella for any reason other than to fill the void left by the ex-fella.

New Fella : don't be a spanner. Reading someone else's private information, regardless of the cause, is an invasion of privacy and is similarly poor form. There's a reason the police have to get warrants and legal permission before they can gather evidence with wiretaps and the like, so why should it be different for you? And the nonsense axer is spouting about having "nothing to hide" from your partner is exactly that - nonsense. When you're involved with someone you are still an individual, and have the right to your own private space, thoughts, feelings and opinions. Moreover, you are entitled to the trust of your SO that you will be a faithful partner - and that trust, in part, means no bloody spying. If things got to the point where you feel that you need to spy on the SO, you should be sitting down for serious chats of the make or break variety, not pretending to be Dick Tracy.

And for all those people who think that extensive spying on your SO is acceptable because of the chance that there might be something juicy to uncover : why not address your obvious problems with trusting people close to you, instead of projecting the issue onto them and claiming that they "wouldn't mind if they were really innocent"? Oh, and while you're at it go and read 1984. If nothing else, you might get an idea of what your perfect world would be like :rolleyes:

axer

Fysh wrote: »

Reading someone else's private information, regardless of the cause, is an invasion of privacy and is similarly poor form. There's a reason the police have to get warrants and legal permission before they can gather evidence with wiretaps and the like, so why should it be different for you?

You are hardly in a relationship with the police now are you? That is completely different.

Fysh wrote: »

And the nonsense axer is spouting about having "nothing to hide" from your partner is exactly that - nonsense. When you're involved with someone you are still an individual, and have the right to your own private space, thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Nonsense, in your opinion. Why would you want to hide your private space, thoughts, feelings and opinions from your other half? That sounds like insecurity to me. Please tell me how your Girlfriend reading your texts, email etc makes you any less of an individual - you still have your thoughts, feelings and opinions. Whats this private space you are talking about?

Fysh wrote: »

Moreover, you are entitled to the trust of your SO that you will be a faithful partner - and that trust, in part, means no bloody spying.

I think it is more trustful not caring whether your other half reads you texts etc. than being paranoid over privacy from your SO.

Fysh wrote: »

If things got to the point where you feel that you need to spy on the SO, you should be sitting down for serious chats of the make or break variety, not pretending to be Dick Tracy

In this guy's case he did not seem to believe his girlfriend so he wanted to make sure or she could just deny it and they are back to step one - he was right not to believe her.

Fysh

axer wrote: »

You are hardly in a relationship with the police now are you? That is completely different.

No, it's not different - my point is that even the police, when investigating a suspected serious crime, do not do such things without permission. Which means that from a legal perspective it is understood that invading someone's privacy is a serious issue, and at the very least not something to be done without prior permission

axer wrote: »

Nonsense, in your opinion. Why would you want to hide your private space, thoughts, feelings and opinions from your other half? That sounds like insecurity to me. Your Girlfriend reading your texts or email doesn't make you any less of an individual - you still have your private space, thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Why? Because when I'm single I have a private space that's my own and I don't see why being in a relationship with someone should involve diminishing myself as an individual. It's laughable that you, who are endorsing some sort of totalitarian "right to supervise all the SO's activities", are accusing me of insecurity. After all, you're the one endorsing the "If I know everything, I can't be hurt by surprises" attitude.

axer wrote: »

I think it is more trustful not caring whether your other half reads you texts etc. than being paranoid over privacy from your SO.

I would expect my SO to have enough respect for me to ask before reading the damn things, frankly, rather than assuming that permission was granted by virtue of the relationship. There's no standard for these things any more than there is a standard by which you decide who you will tell your bank account information, so assuming that your view is the norm is just asking for trouble.

axer wrote: »

In this guy's case he did not seem to believe his girlfriend so he wanted to make sure or she could just deny it and they are back to step one - he was right not to believe her.

Yes, and he couldn't have just said "I don't trust what you're telling me, and here are the reasons I don't trust you", could he? No, he had to go and play at being Dick Tracy on a quest to find the hidden drama. FFS, if you're rooting through your other half's rubbish or private texts/messages, IS THAT NOT ENOUGH SIGN THAT SOMETHING'S GONE TITS-UP IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? Seriously. Because if he could go searching, find no evidence of cheating, and then go "oh well, nothing to worry about" and continue on as if his breach of trust wasn't at least as large as the one he suspected his SO had committed, I'd worry about the state of his brain. You just don't do that, not under any circumstances. If you have to spy on someone, the trust is gone. If the trust is gone, why waste time discussing whose fault it is? Either try and fix it, or just walk out the door. All else is just cheap soap-opera style drama.

vorbis

exactly Fysh, either you trust your SO or you don't. Its really that simple. For the record, I don't hide away my phone or have anything iffy on it but I would be pissed if I found my girlfriend going through it. Some people just like having a bit of personal space.

Suppose axer, that you send a mate a sexist joke that your gf might be offende by. Would it be ok for her to read that text and then give out to you. Or suppose you're after having an argument with her and you send a less than flattering text to a friend about the argument. Would you be happy for her to read that text? Theres loads of things besides cheating that you might not want your gf to read.

As Fysh said you're still entitled to be an INDIVIDUAL in a relationship.

edit. the comment about telling her to stop texting the ex was to do with her constantly doing it in FRONT OF YOU. Thats just rude. You should never accept that kind of behavior.

Loopy

Sorry i just dont really understand what all the fuss is about him checking your fone when he has strong suspicions that your textin your ex. Why are you texting her ex when they are not in a relationship anymore (and doing it while your with your BF).

I know for sure as soon as he was out the door i would check my bf's fone if i suspected something. And would not feel i was invading his privacy especially if my suspicions were confirmed.

If your in a loving relationship whats the big deal with you reading your partners texts - if you have nothing to hide that is.

Op how would you feel if you suspected your bf was textin one of his ex's. Do nothin? If you cared about him you would be devasted as he is.

Fysh

looptheloop wrote: »

Sorry i just dont really understand what all the fuss is about him checking your fone when he has strong suspicions that your textin your ex. Why are you texting her ex when they are not in a relationship anymore (and doing it while your with your BF).

If you don't understand, go and re-read my last post. Several times, if necessary. It's not all that complicated, and it's getting boring having to repeat it.

looptheloop wrote: »

I know for sure as soon as he was out the door i would check my bf's fone if i suspected something. And would not feel i was invading his privacy especially if my suspicions were confirmed.

And this tells us two things:

1) You have trust issues with your BF, and do not seem to understand that openly talking about it to your BF is a far healthier and respectful option than spying on him;
2) You don't seem to realise that when it comes to invading privacy, IT'S NOT UP TO YOU TO DECIDE IF YOU HAVE INVADED HIS PRIVACY. It's up to HIM. And if you said to him "Oh, I was rooting through your phone and reading your messages earlier, btw" he would be well within his rights to bollock you out for it.

looptheloop wrote: »

If your in a loving relationship whats the big deal with you reading your partners texts - if you have nothing to hide that is.

What's wrong is that if you're in a loving and trusting relationship, your partner should respect you and part of that involves understanding that you may want to retain some privacy. And specifically, trusting you enough not to assume that you're using this privacy as a way to go out and be unfaithful. Or, to turn your question back on you : if you didn't on some level believe that your partner would cheat on you given half a chance, why would you feel the need to keep tabs on them?

looptheloop wrote: »

Op how would you feel if you suspected your bf was textin one of his ex's. Do nothin? If you cared about him you would be devasted as he is.

IF I suspected my GF was in touch with an ex, I would be mature enough to understand that it's up to her to choose who she talks to. If I suspected it was inappropriate contact, I'd bring it up with her at the earliest possible point, and if I still wasn't happy with the situation I'd be sitting down for a frank conversation with her.

But let's get this straight here : we're talking about people thinking that it's ok to read people's private conversations on the basis of a suspicion that they might be contacting an ex, yes?

WHAT PLANET ARE YOU PEOPLE ON?

Since when does having a relationship with someone mean that you're entitled to go all Gestapo on them because you think they might be talking to an ex-partner? Do you think that you own your partners and get to choose who they are allowed to talk to? Yes, you're entitled to feel a bit odd if your partner resumes contact with an ex-partner, but you don't get a veto on who they talk to, nor do you get a "Spy on your partner consequence-free" card.

TPD

Fysh wrote: »

I don't see why being in a relationship with someone should involve diminishing myself as an individual.

I dont think axer meant it in that way. More like sharing yourself with your SO than diminishing yourself.

TPD

Fysh wrote: »

But let's get this straight here : we're talking about people thinking that it's ok to read people's private conversations on the basis of a suspicion that they might be contacting an ex, yes?

WHAT PLANET ARE YOU PEOPLE ON?

Since when does having a relationship with someone mean that you're entitled to go all Gestapo on them because you think they might be [/i]talking[/i] to an ex-partner? Do you think that you own your partners and get to choose who they are allowed to talk to? Yes, you're entitled to feel a bit odd if your partner resumes contact with an ex-partner, but you don't get a veto on who they talk to, nor do you get a "Spy on your partner consequence-free" card.

Nope, this is based on the gf constantly texting the ex while the current bf is with her, and acting cold to him since she first told him she was in contact with the ex.

Edit: Sorry about the double post n all.

purpledragon677

ok firstly i never wanted this to turn into a stupid domestic fight

secondly my being cold to my boyfriend is due to our own personal problems which started well before me textin my ex

thirdly i hadnt spoken to him in god knows how long and i was catching up with him i shouldnt have said that yes i know that i am very sorry bout it the only reason the past came up at all is because i was cleaning out my room found some old things and mentioned it and we got talking

i do love my boyfriend i have not and will not cheat on him ever. talking to my ex was memories and that is all i have not spoken to him in ages.

the reason i want privacy with my phone is simply because i talk to alot of friends and some of them have problems that they tell me in confidence so by him reading my messages is breaking that confidence

also btw i only started texting him again about five days ago tops and i have not constantly text him if i am texting when i go out i always say goodbye my boyfriend knows this

apologies for the length of the message

l3LoWnA

purpledragon677 wrote: »

ok firstly i never wanted this to turn into a stupid domestic fight

secondly my being cold to my boyfriend is due to our own personal problems which started well before me textin my ex

thirdly i hadnt spoken to him in god knows how long and i was catching up with him i shouldnt have said that yes i know that i am very sorry bout it the only reason the past came up at all is because i was cleaning out my room found some old things and mentioned it and we got talking

i do love my boyfriend i have not and will not cheat on him ever. talking to my ex was memories and that is all i have not spoken to him in ages.

the reason i want privacy with my phone is simply because i talk to alot of friends and some of them have problems that they tell me in confidence so by him reading my messages is breaking that confidence

also btw i only started texting him again about five days ago tops and i have not constantly text him if i am texting when i go out i always say goodbye my boyfriend knows this

apologies for the length of the message

How do you think your boyfriend feels about you texting your ex and talking about all those things you STILL have in your room reminding you (and HIM) of your relatinship wih ex? Would you like it if your boyfriend spent ages, whilst even in your company sometimes, texting his ex, telling her he'd found things in his bedroom that reminded him of her and how he was SO much happier with her than he is now with you? You always have to reverse the scenario and think how you'd feel in the situation before you can truly see the damage you are doing. I'm not attacking you here, I just feel you should think about it....You really should not have been texting your ex if you had ANY respect whatsoever for your current boyfriend. It's so so disrespectful IMO

Funny thing is, your ex probably wouldn't even entertain you if you were single, it's probably only him wanting what he can't have....

If you continue with this behaviour, if you can't learn to respect him and stop making excuses, I seriously hope Mr. Boyfriend gets sense and leaves you tbh, how would you feel if he did and then if your ex didn't want you either?

Fysh

l3LoWnA wrote: »

How do you think your boyfriend feels about you texting your ex and talking about all those things you STILL have in your room reminding you (and HIM) of your relatinship wih ex? Would you like it if your boyfriend spent ages, whilst even in your company sometimes, texting his ex, telling her he'd found things in his bedroom that reminded him of her and how he was SO much happier with her than he is now with you? You always have to reverse the scenario and think how you'd feel in the situation before you can truly see the damage you are doing. I'm not attacking you here, I just feel you should think about it....You really should not have been texting your ex if you had ANY respect whatsoever for your current boyfriend. It's so so disrespectful IMO

Funny thing is, your ex probably wouldn't even entertain you if you were single, it's probably only him wanting what he can't have....

If you continue with this behaviour, if you can't learn to respect him and stop making excuses, I seriously hope Mr. Boyfriend gets sense and leaves you tbh, how would you feel if he did and then if your ex didn't want you either?

Ah yes, but you're apparently from the camp that doesn't see anything weird about rummaging through someone's private messages without permission.

Realistically, OP, you and your BF need to sit down and have a serious talk about the state of your relationship and the things that both of you find upsetting or damaging to your relationship. Sounds like it's definitely a case of both sides being guilty of certain things and I'm sorry that it's ended up being dragged out under the spotlight here.

Hopefully ye can both work things out and come to a satisfactory compromise. Best of luck with it, hope it all works out for you.

portomar

complete invasion of privacy, no excuse.

purpledragon677

l3LoWnA wrote: »

How do you think your boyfriend feels about you texting your ex and talking about all those things you STILL have in your room reminding you (and HIM) of your relatinship wih ex? Would you like it if your boyfriend spent ages, whilst even in your company sometimes, texting his ex, telling her he'd found things in his bedroom that reminded him of her and how he was SO much happier with her than he is now with you? You always have to reverse the scenario and think how you'd feel in the situation before you can truly see the damage you are doing. I'm not attacking you here, I just feel you should think about it....You really should not have been texting your ex if you had ANY respect whatsoever for your current boyfriend. It's so so disrespectful IMO

Funny thing is, your ex probably wouldn't even entertain you if you were single, it's probably only him wanting what he can't have....

If you continue with this behaviour, if you can't learn to respect him and stop making excuses, I seriously hope Mr. Boyfriend gets sense and leaves you tbh, how would you feel if he did and then if your ex didn't want you either?

i do not want my ex we tried it didnt work i moved on and i do have respect for my current boyfriend i love him so much we have our own problems which for obvious reasons i am not going to discuss which are also a factor in what is going on with us i have thought about how it would be from my point of view but i know i am not the only person to stay friends with an ex and i will certainly not be the last